overwhelmed

i'm supposed to be moving to seattle in 2 weeks and i haven't saved as much money as i wanted to.
i haven't done laundry in a month
half my stuff is packed. the other half is in disarray.
i'm so stressed at everything happening at work....my eczema is on 7. i don't want it to be on 10.
i have no idea where my dog is staying for the week while i'm gone.
i have no job interviews yet.
i have no sublets that will take a dog yet.
so far.....i'm fucked.




oh.my.gosh.
what have i done with my life?

strength

I leave for Seattle on March 23.
I am just going to hopefully interview, see some apartments and y'know visit before I uproot my whole life and move to another state.
Either way, even if I hate it...I'm gonna do it.

Why?

Because, SCIENCE.

And because I don't think I have any other choice.
Sit in NYC and rot or try and find a better life somewhere else.
Hmmmmm.....

I'm so tired and I have 24 days to get my entire life together.
Holy fuck!

:/

searching

I have a feeling that my next great love is coming soon.

I'm moving to Seattle where there is no black people
or at the least, very little black people

and the black men prefer non-poc women.
and I'm very much attracted to black men.

even though the odds of me falling in love is so slim because i don't like anyone
but the wrong people.

I feel like I'm purging all this shit inside of me that is keeping me from love.

this move has awakened so many ugly things and I'm addressing them one by one.
and it's harrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrd

but i'm doing it.

April 15th is my date.
not sure HOW i'm moving
i feel like i'm in a vat of quicksand but i'm trying to move forward

and that's all we can really do.

up late

I should really go to therapy but blogger is free so here i am.

happy new year!

i've taken a vow to change my entire life this year and boy, is it difficult.
in that it's fucking scary.
and the anxiety keeps me up at night
and the running of scenarios of what ifs is almost frickin paralyzing
but they say...

doubt kills more dreams than failure ever will.

bro.
i'm sick of people who take their jobs too seriously.
it blows mine.
like...........
i'm a makeup artist.
i'm not a doctor or a lawyer or a firefighter.

i talk about eyebrows and mascara all day long. ......
there's this chick at work. i want to slap her clean across the face.
leave all 5 fingers in a red mark right across her left cheek.
she's a manager.
laziest bitch i know.
and she acts all important.
y'know what irks me....don't pretend to have my back. when you clearly don't.
don't pretend to know me or to be cool with me and then when you get the chance you want to pull rank.
i'm at the point where i'm like...bitch, don't even speak to me.
yeah, good morning to you to mo-fuckah.
die.

and that's a bad place to be at.
because i have a terrible temper.
the type of temper that would slap you in front of all of macys and be escorted out by security doing the diddy bop and a smile and not care.
but, you know i'm a damn adult and you can't put your hands on another person without real consequences.

and y'know,
white women....
she'd probably sue me for trauma  and say i gave her whiplash and shit.
hahaha

but in 3 months! 3 months!
i'm planning on moving to seattle.
yes...from nyc to seattle.
across the country.

i figured.
miami is humid as hell.
i'm too fat for all that humidity.
hahah.

no, really....miami is a great city but seattle is more me.
more culture
more of a REAL city

so, i'm planning on moving within the first 2 weeks of april.
and i'm doing it with no support.
yay.
and that's a major issue in my life, i'm finding.
i cried in front of a customer today.
it was a mother daughter and the daughter moved to nyc from san francisco and the mom was like....i couldn't let my daughter move without me being here to help her.
what?!
WHAT?!
i just kind of lost it because i don't think my mom has even considered helping me move in any way, shape or form.
she spends every chance she gets trying to convince me that i will not be happy anywhere else but nyc and what if you don't find a job and what about your stuff?

and it kills me.
that every single thing i set out to do....i gotta do it on my own dime.
on my own back.
on my own strength

i understand why people believe in God.
i kind of miss it.

don't get me wrong.
i believe there is a higher power.
i haven't given it a name.

but i miss christianity.
faith.
i just don't know if i could get back to the place where i actively believe anymore
and that makes me sad.
because that place i held for Jesus in my heart was pure and untainted once upon a time
but that's another story.

life breaks your heart sometimes
and you have mend it back together.

so, i'm job hunting
and apartment hunting
and excited that for what i'd pay for a room in brooklyn,
i could get a whole apartment WITH a washer/dryer unit inside AND a fitness center AND a doorman and all this other stuff....WHAT WHAT?????

send all your strength my way
because i'm internalizing the stress and my eczema is flaring up
last time, it took me 2 years to get rid of it.
i don't have that kind of time.

Bruh

So, I went on a date with this dude I reconnected with on FB from high school. The date was great.  He was charming, funny and sexy. When we went to school, he was shy and nerdy. We went out a second time with BFF and her college roommate. He was the same. After a few drinks, I got a little touchy Feely. Cool.

BFF said that he was giving me mixed signals. He was into me but pulling back and texting other girls. Dafuq?

So, I got the brilliant idea to just ask him outright.

"Do you have feelings for me?"
"No, I do not."
"Well, I was flirting with you pretty heavily and you didn't stop me."
"Well, I'm an attractive guy and I like the attention."
"I'm not here too boost your ego."
"Too late."

Actual conversation.

I'll just leave it at that.
Smdh!

I downloaded Tinder on my phone....because......I was curious and bored. I started talking to a whole bunch of dudes which didn't result in a lot. Here are 2 dudes I was talking to though...

1. Teddy - Actual name cuz f it.
Tall, dark, handsome, looks like a bouncer at a club but works at a management firm. Cool. We're getting along great.  Flirtatious messages are being sent back and forth. He mentions..."my fall back game is on point." I ask what he means. He says that sometimes girls get too attached and he has to cut them off. He just wants casual relations and they're cool with it until they actually have sex with him and they want to lock it down.

I said...well, as long as there is open communication BEFORE sex, that shouldn't be an issue.  Maybe something else is amiss. He agrees with me. We continue talking. He asks me a question about where I work. I answer and ask him the same. He still hasn't responded. (this was almost a week ago)

Fall back game on point for real.

I don't mind someone not being into me but I think it's cowardly to just not respond.

Like......when he said his fall back game was on point,  I should've heard a bell in my head signify that something was off with him. It you no longer want to talk to someone just say it. *rolls eyes *

2. Jeff
Our communication was a bit off because we work opposite hours. Everytime he did hav down time, he talked about Spending a lot of time out.he was flabbergasted at why I don't go to clubs. Hmmm. Red flag. I added him on IG. I see multiple pictures of him and his son which he never mentioned before.. Hmmmmm.....I poke around a little bit more...I see cutesy messages on his pictures from the same girl. I ask him. "Are you in a relationship?"
"Yes, I've been with her for 5 years."
"What? Why are you on Tinder? "
"People can't be on Tinder if they're in a relationship?"
"No! It's for singles. Some people also think it's a hook up app."
"Are you looking for a relationship? "
"No, but I'm not even going to entertain a dude with a girlfriend. That's a headache. "
"Why does every girl say that?"
"Because she's decent. "
"Sweetheart, if you want to be with someone, they're status don't matter. They could be married with 3 kids. If you want them, what's stopping you?"
"Ok, bye. "
"Does that mean you not talking to me anymore? '
"Yup."
"Good. "

I mean I couldn't even muster the energy to explain to this dude how much of an asshole he is! That poor woman of his!  Annnnnnd he's going to be teaching that foolishness to his son. Smdh! 

3. Dave
He's 37. Another one that likes to be in the club. Reeeeed flag! Why?
Let's say the youngest person he could date would be 25. Ok. What kind of quality are you getting in the club?  He's 37. He clubs every weekend. Every weekend. How much money are you wasting?  Annnnnnd, for what? I told my friend and she was like that sounds like a lonely dude if he has to club every weekend.  I agree. So, the reason I just left it alone....he always asks me what I'm doing which is usually working. Cool. What's my next day off? Monday. He says he wants to see me.we'll go to lunch. Ok. He goes clubbing on Saturday. He texts me Sunday at like 4. He just woke up. Ok. He says, the worst thing about going out is the recovery. He's going to be up all night because he slept all day. In my head I already knew that we were going to go out on Monday.

Sure enough,  Monday,  I didn't hear from him until around 6. Omg, I just woke up....

Really dude?!

He asked me what I was doing. I said, just napping. He said, "Ur a busy woman."

No....let's meet up or apologies or anything...so, I said Fuck you in my head and kept it moving.

Lawd, please deliver me from fuckboys!!!

all me

I took a driving lesson today.
 I take my road test on the 18th. I may need to reschedule.
 Anyway, the instructor said I'm good. I just need to work on my turns which have been a struggle for me. Do you have anyone you can practice with? he asked. I said yes. but really.....no. I have a mother. I have friends with cars but everyone is too busy to help me.

 ANd then I started thinking about other shit I needed support on. And really, I have no support in other areas of my life either. My entire life, I've had to pull myself up from my own bootstraps and make shit happen. And people are always like....oh you're so strong. You have no emotions. And I'm like...if I fall apart, who is there to pick me up and put me back together?? If I need help, who do I really have to call? And my friends are like, you should call me. And then I do and they're not available.

 Do you know how tiring and frustrating that shit is?????? You have to build in your own safety nets. You have to double and triple check everything because if something goes wrong or doesn't work out, you have NO ONE you can call. Do you know how lonely and devastating that shit is???? Do you know what that says about your self-worth? That no one is around to really be there for you.

 All the times I felt suicidal I would rather call the helpline than a friend because that friend wouldn't even be there for me anyway. IF you look at my life from afar, its like...oh, you have siblings. You have friends. You know so many people. I'm the loneliest person I know. So lonely, a 10-lb dog is the most consistent being in my life.

 I just want someone to have MY back. I want someone to be there for ME completely. That seems like the hardest shit to find. Even for something so simple as a car to practice my turns. No, there is no one for me to call. And I pass by an empty car everyday. And I look at other people surrounded by family and friends and I'm like....that is so awesome.

I wish. I wish. I wish. I just wonder...wtf did I do in a past life to deserve solitude?