I Heart Big Guys + Cure for the Broken Heart? + WTF Moments +Other Ish Going On

I was minding my own business when this mammoth of a man came on and
stood directly in front of me. He was at least 6ft5. His fist was
literally as big as my head. And all I wanted to do was snuggle with
him.

*sigh*

BFF is going through it and I wish I knew what to do. She recently
reconnected with her first love from elementary school who disappeared.
She found him on My.Sp.ace and he came over weekend before last. They
had a great time. They slept together. He went back home. That's the
black and white of it. The more emotional aspect of it is that she was
looking for him for 10 years. She was so in love with him. When she
found him, it was like she got a second chance at something. He awakened
something in her. When he got back home (He lives in the DC-Maryland
area) he didn't call. They texted each other but she was the aggressor.
The texts lasted for about 2 days and then mum was the word. By this
time, she was desperate for some type of contact from him. She e-mailed,
she called...nada. He resisted all of her efforts.

Finally, yesterday, she gets an e-mail.

"I have a $1,000 insurance infraction and desperately need to get my car
on the road as I wish to go to school. I'm asking all my friends for
$100 to help me with this. I'm working on getting all my ducks in a row
so that I can be swagific and can enjoy the summer."

She asked me for my advice. She was actually going to give this Negro
money!

I said...

(To be continued)

I Had a Dream...

Dreams I've had lately...
1. I was hiking in the desert and I saw a kangaroo. I climbed to the
height of the cliff and tried to touch it. It hissed at me and I fell
off the cliff into Afroman's waiting Land Rover and we rode along.

2. Afroman and I were rolling around in a golf cart and I was looking
for a jewelry box. I decided to get a baby cub. I took it home and it
turned on me and even though I left Afroman for another dude. Dude left
me but Afroman was there.

3. I dreamt that I had a pet pig and was trying to hold around like it
was aYorkie. It kept kicking me.
It was a cute pig tho.

4. Last night, I dreamt that I was Rihanna's assistant/stylist and I was
mad because I styled her perfectly but she wasn't acknowledging me. I
was like "Eff you, Rih, you're nothing without me."

Interesting...no?

Slow to Anger

LP has been talking major shit!

She told Gi that I may be attracted to Leroy because my dad died when I
was young and I may be looking for a father figure!

Wtf?

Firstly, my dad and I were close and I know no one can replace him.
Secondly, women who are like that have no fucking self-esteem. (Like her
*ahem*) it could be for other reasons beside him being older.
Thirdly, and it might be the most important part of all....she doesn't
know the situation! All she knows is his age. She doesn't know how we
met. She doesn't know his name or anything. How the fuck can you judge
that.

I won't say I never judge people. We make our own little assessments.
It's normal. But..sheesh! I've never been so judged so harshly by a
friend.

When Gi told me, I was livid. Livid. My ears started getting hot and
burning.

I'm trying to take a deep breath, because as I write this, I'm getting
more and more upset.

Why? Because LP is 26 and she's been involved with some who is at least
40, if not older. So, it's fine because she's older than me. Give me a
mutheffin break.

I really want to let her have it. I know she would never say no shit
like that to my face. I'm typing extra hard on my sidekick and folks on
the train are looking at me..but I couldn't give a shit!

I just need to vent.

Today, I look too cute with purple make-up a faux-hawk, my silvery-pink
nails, and my outfit is on point. Bitches can't take. If you hear of a
fab chick was fighting in the street, its me if one more heffa looks me
up and down with stankface.

I am so serious.

Ugh!

(Blogfam...PLEASE tell me I'm overreacting)

Robbing the Wheelchair

A few days ago, (Thursday to be exact) BFF and I were walking toward the Brooklyn Bridge. She was convincing me to risk my life and walk across...I was displaying a little bitch-assnness in telling her over my dead body. In the midst of that, I made eye contact with the corniest dude. He smiled. I smiled. I don't know why. I think I was just geeked over someone showing me some attention. I crossed the street and proceeded to keep walking. He stopped, crossed the stret and introduced himself.

";Hi, I'm Leroy," he said as I noticed the salt and pepper goatee.

"I'm Nina." We shook hands

"Gosh Nina," he gushed, "you are just so beautiful. I would love to get to know you better."

He gave me a business card with his cell written on the back and he took my number.BFF got me across the bridge and we laughed about my encounter. Dude is "creased khaki pants" corny and I'm Rihanna-type edgy.

"How old you think that guy is?" I asked BFF.

"Shoot! I dunno. Obviously not in his 20s like you."
We laughed.

Friday, I wanted to shoot someone. We were understaffed, yet again. Prom season is kicking our ass. Problems, problems, problems and I was trying to remain patient. I was supposed to leave work at 4pm.

It was 5:30 and I was still handling a situation. My phone rings.

"Hi, Nina?"

Immediately, I knew who it was.

"It's Leroy. I was wondering if we could meet after work."

"Sure. I'm gonna run out of the door soon."

We met in Lower Manhattan and strolled to Southstreet Seaport. We talked and laughed. The whole time, I'm thinking "He's so corny."

But, Eureka! I kinda like him.

He's 40.

I'm 22.

It doesn't seem to bother him and it doesn't bother me.

Except.

He wants kids and while I hadn't even thought about kids at least for another 10 years, I don't want him to waste his time. But I bet he knows what he's getting into. The thought still lingers in the back of my mind.

I told LP, Gi, and Twin about it last night. I could've predicted how each of them reacted. It was priceless. Gi was excited that I found someone who treats me well. Who actually wants to date me unlike some people. LP immediatelty went defensive. She was like "he's old enough to be your daddy" and "be careful." I understood her concern but I thought it was a little rude and it offended me. I've been trying to be slow to anger. My temper has been out of control lately. Twin saw humor in the situation. He said, "Geez Ni, they're getting older an older. 23..then 27..then 33..now 40. What's next? He's gonn abe on oxygen?"

This morning as I'm walking to the train station, this Jeep pulls up beside me. I look to see who's creeping up on me. All I saw was a full head of gray hair and a full beard - all gray.

I shook my head and laughed.

Exorcizing Mr. Phil

If you're not familiar...bone up on the Mr. Phil series.(LOOK TO THE RIGHT)I sat at work, trying to feel important, perusing my e-mail and I kept my G-mail open for a while. A window opens,

Hey

*surprised*
Hey

How you doing?

I'm good. At work..taking over for (insert supervisor's name).

Ok. What are you doing this weekend besides working?

Umm....nothing. I don't know. Are you in school?
(Did you notice the deliberate subject change)

Yes. I go to York.

What are you studying?

Business Law.

You like it?

Yes, they have an amazing program they guide you all the way through law school wah wah wah...Do you have a man?

I'm dating. What about you?

I have the same attitude about women.

Wow. I guess I always admired your honesty. You never made it out to be more than what it was. Women appreciate that. But, I guess I never understood the whole "not having time for a relationship" thing.

When a man says he doesn't have time for a relationship, it means he DOESN'T WANT a relationship.

True. Because if you wanted it you would make time. At least you didn't try to front when it came to me AND Gi.

Yes. I'm still very attracted to you. If you want, I'm not dating anyone right now, I'd like to have sex with you.

*blank stare*
I guess I'm flattered. I will have to say no. Gi is my friend and I couldn't do that.

Gi was never my girl. I messed with you before I messed with her.

Yes, and I never told her what went on with her. If I did, I could guarantee she wouldn't have slept with you.

I guess there's some type of principle girls have when it comes to that.

Yes, there is.

Well, I can respect that. Does that mean we can't get a drink some time.

No, it doesn't. As long as you know there are boundaries.

Well, I guess that means no because I would still try to violate those boundaries. I can't lie. I want to sleep with you. I never got the chance and I really want to.

*jaw on the floor*
Well, I guess it is what it is.

Nina, I've always admired your strength. I hope you accomplish
everything that you want in your life. Goodbye and good luck.

****

Oh.My.Lawd.

This negro did not just proposition me. No, he didn't expect me to hop into bed with him. No, he didn't dismiss me form his life just like that.Now that I'm writing this, I'm thinking about how much I wanted him once upon a time. We felt each other up with the cameras watching at work and did not care. He was so big and sexy. When he kissed my neck, shivers ran down my spine. He was so passionate.It's been a while! Jesus take the wheel! I hope I made the right decision.

5 Random Pictures in My Phone

(I'm a little late)

A Black Squirrel. He was posing. You can't see well....


Trees are in bloom!



BFF and I walked across the Brooklyn Bridge



The Fountain near City Hall


This goth chick's studded boots

Life Comes at you Fast

So...yea...a lot has been going on and I'm gonna try and wrap this up.

* the daytime supervisor is out sick. They think either she has an ulcer
or some other gastro-intestinal issue. I'm acting supervisor for now. It
really is a tough job. The CEO of the company calls me every other hour
with some mundane question if he thinks a price is too high or low.

* I'm so sleepy and its chilly outside. I just want to be curled up by
the tv.

* Speaking of tv, I've been fine without it. I haven't been home but I
imagine it's fine.

* I just want to go to Miami and fall asleep on the beach under a blue
umbrella with the Sun on my face.

*I think its annoying when people walk slowly on stairs.

*I was just crushing on a whiteboy who I'm 99.9% sure he was gay. He was
sooo cute and not flamboyant. He was just a cool ass dude.

* Speaking of dude, I called my boss that yesterday.

* Did I mention that I was exhausted and it was 5:30 and I was supposed
to leave work at 4.

* I hate hearing people talk. Thank God for iPods because if I have to
hear other people's conversations on the train, I'd literally go
ape-shit.

* I think I'm anemic. Serioously, I'm always cold.

* I have 3 other posts chillin in my drafts box. Hopefully, I'll pump
those out.

* I'm contemplating what's for breakfast. Hmm...

If Only I Were A Man...

Posted by: bloomutoday // 12 hours ago // viewed 1,469 times
Bloomsburg, Pennsylvania // embed media

Man Caught by Police Urinating in Car Gas Tank
Eric Bower 20.APR.08

Bloomsburg,PA-

A man was caught by police urinating in a car gas tank of one of our own staff members on Saturday at 2:44 PM.

Surveillance video of a parking lot on Chestnut Ave. shows a man walking up to the 2007 Ford Fusion of BloomUtoday.com co-owner Jessica Bower. The man then opens the gas door and begins urinating in it for several minutes. Police on bicycles can be shown traveling on East 3rd Street and then onto Chestnut Ave a short time later then catching the man literally with his pants down. The man then ran from police and a chase began. The man was caught a short time later by police out of view of the cameras.

Jessica Bower attempted to take her car to A&A on East Street to buy some dry gas to resolve any possible problems but was unsuccessful. The car made it past the intersection of Chestnut Ave. and Fifth Street before the engine stalled out. The Ford Fusion was stuck on Fifth Street for some time tying up traffic until a tow truck could arrive. The car was taken to a local garage which was closed this weekend. Police say the man caught will be responsible for any damages incurred due the urination and will also face criminal charges. The identity of the man had not been released as of Saturday.

Whoa!

So I met a dude last Saturday. Let's just call hom Black. I totally
forgot about him because I gave him my number, but 1. Didn't expect him
to call and 2. He's totally not my type...by any means...

Anywho! Guess who I run into on my way home...Black. He was hustling
cd's. (Ick!)

He asked me to buy one. (Double ick!)

I did. (*shakes head*)

I forgot to get my change which I think he did on purpose.

But...the craziest thing about it was I forgot who he was for a second.
I thought he was one of my gay friends that I was with this weekend so
when I approached him I had the friendlest smile on my face.

I really need to stop hanging out with gay men, but to my defense, I saw
a lot of new faces this weekend.

I'm a damn fool.

Today...

My cable was turned off because I intentionally did not pay the bill...
I'm spoiled and I'm not worthy of the luxury.
I'm not doing anything with myself but watching stuff on tv.
I'm going to leave it off for about a month and use that time to force
myself into other endeavors, like paying my bills on time, getting to
the gym, and working on my novel which was supposed to have been
completed 2 months ago. I figure life would really suck if I can't sit
on my ass and watch tv all the time.

So, I'll be posting via sidekick. I can't post at work.

I can hardly construct a decent sentence, so pouring out a
stream-of-consciousness would really be difficult.

I went to many of the shops near my work and got a handful of
applications...before the summer employment rush hits. I expect to use
my 2nd job to a.save $$/b. fund my recent shoe addiction/c. fund my ball
addiction/d. buy cute bras.

We shall see.

I know I need to budget better and actually keep groceries in the house.
Now, all I have in my fridge is orange soda, mushrooms, butter, and
baking soda.
Pathetic.

Tonight, while my internet is still functioning, I will be looking at my
credit report, e-mailing my resume around, and applying for certain jobs
online.

Also, I'll begin to clean thoroughly and plan how I will decorate my
space. I have tons of shit in my closets and white walls everywhere.

Enough is enough. I keep talking about what I need to do. Its time to
put a fire under my ass. The time is now.

Its time I acted like the adult I should be.

My Weekend

Friday was especially stressful.

I was supposed to get my check on Thursday, but of course, I work for
the most horrible place of employment ever! Checks were supposed to be
ready Friday morning. Then late Friday afternoon.
I was perched in the lobby at 12 noon with the most awful sister-girl
eff u pay me look. I so didn't care.

I called the HR guy like where's my money and he asked why I was
stressing him. Bet your bottom dollar that Nina marched her ass right
over to his office on some...get your shit together/we go through this
every 2 weeks/why can't we get paid on time/I got a train to catch ish.

Don't play on my time. The moment I fugg up people are quick to call me
incompetent but you can systematically pay the netire company whenever
you feel!

Nikka please!

Yes. I still feel some type of way.

Anywho...I rushed to the bank. Rushed to Baker's to get those shoes.
Rushed to thread my eyebrows. Rushed to Jersey to meet the crew to go to
DC.

I was too through!

Anywho!

To make a loong story short. I had a great time in DC. I wore my shoes.
I swear the men were drooling over ya girl. In a ball with a whole bunch
of gay men, I found a straight man who was all too happy to offer me
his seat, his hand, and it was a bit much. Women were in awe at my pain
threshold. My legs looked awesome and all was right with the world. By
the end of the night, which ended at 9am, I pretty much felt liike a
hooker in full makeup, a pencil skirt, and 5 in heels that early in the
morning. I wanted to amputate my feet and was certain that I couldn't
feel a couple of toes. But, I didn't care!

I was so flyy.

I am not a selfish person. But, I wanted to kick a bitch in the shin
becuase my brand- new baby oil gel, sidekick charger, liquid liner, and
gold hoops are missing. (!!!) I couldn't have survived in a household
full of women growing up.

I swear if I find the heffa who took it (which I already know who the
culprit is), I'm gonna cut her. Which I will anyway...on GP.

Sidenote: This chick just walked on the train in a hoodie, leather
jacket, scarf, stirrups and flats. Yes, I did look at her funny. Why?
Because I'm in a short-sleeved denim skirt and boots. And she looks plum
foolish. I know someone would question my taste..with my pink and purple
streaks and white nail polish, but at least I don't look borderline
homeless. At the very best, I look artistic/indie-chic.

Side sidenote: If you're going to have white nail polish, make sure you
wash your hands after applying your make-up. Your nails will betray you
every time.

I came away from the weekend on some extra grown woman tip. I'll
elaborate on that later but I really am ready to get my act together.

I feel really good right now. I slept like a dead person last night. I'm
refreshed.

More later...

This Weekend

Real post coming soon..but firstly...



The shoe I wore this weekend. 5 inches. Silver and black "snakeskin". Painful, but I loved every minute of it. I wore them with a black pencil skirt and a low v-cut blouse. Hotness...



My nails...I'm really into them recently. Last week they were an electric blue, the week before, hot pink. I think I'm going to post what color they are regularly.


That's it for now..before ya'll think I'm vain...

Mr. Phil Series

The Beginning.


Monday, November 27, 2006
wtf?

y do i keep going for the same type of guy? LOSERS!
if u live at home with ya momma and u have nothin in ur pocket but a stick of gum..i fuckin love u.
wtf?
what's wrong with me?
so, i'm sitting at work staring at phil all day salivating at the mouth and i realize he's just a friend...YUP
we've crossed over into that place and i'm so sick of it...

danger signs:
1. he works with me..
2. he lives with his aunt and his uncle
3. he's 25 and has admitted he has trust, commitment, and a whole slew of issues....
4. he's admitted that he only wants the panties and he still hasn't called since the 1st time we spoke

yet and still i look at him with stars in my eyes...

not to mention anthony hamilton..hehehe..that's what i'll call him.

he just got a job..we have so much history me and a.h.
i loved him in high school...stalked him until we graduated when he finally decided that he loved me back. but...then fucked a white girl and dated her for the year after that..GREEEEEEEEEEEAT
then he comes back in my life and says he wants to build something

he hurt me so bad when he pulled that disappearing act shit and i want to take him back but a part of me is like DANGER DANGER!
but the other part is wondering...

but i don't want to be a dumb bitch...that is my fear..to be the dumb bitch in the room is very very depressing.

i hate that phrase..but i love him..but i feel it in my bones...

gotta let him goo goo gooooooo!

(but i love him) hahahahaha

i went off on a.h. because he was another one - no job, living at home...
saying let's move away together....

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
but i said all of that to say...

don't i deserve better???
don't i deserve a man who loves me in all my voluptuousness...smart-assedness...quit wit..all that i have to offer...

but damn...y am i getting all these losers? is that what i think i secretly deserve???

lemme stop b4 the tears start..

(here i go posting this in the blog world...away away...

Posted by Nina at 7:48 PM


Tuesday, December 5, 2006
Today I feel like...
I don't want to have to answer to anyone but God. Even with Him...its like having a credit card...u do shit and pay for it later. Question is..can u really afford the consequences?I have so many decisions to make...so many choices. I've been depressed on some level for the past year I think. I came into 2006 with some heavy burdens...feeling unhappy..forced into shit. Spent the whole year mimicking that feeling. I'm lost. Worse than that, I'm lost in the dark wiith no flashloght.I shower strangers with more love than I do my own family. Strangers in the relative sense that I don't really know them--- what makes them tick, their entire story. well..maybe not..to my fam I'm a stranger. They don't know shit abt me. Thank angers me. I want to retreat in myself. I want to start over fresh. I want to be enveloped in love. I want to feel appreciated. Maybe there is a void thay was created when my parents died. A void that can't be filled.I don't wanna answer to anyone but God.....

Phil
He called yesterday on some hey-type thing. He's not trying hard. I'm sorta trying. I can see failure in our immediate future. Feelin like no one loves me. On some woe is me shit. Mind u....spent the whole day with twin#1. Twin#1 is a good gay male friend of mine who everyone says resembles me. Anyway...loved being with him all day. We slept, ate, watched a movie....talked, hit each other,tickled each other.....great...but now, I'm slumped in this depression.Sorry...went off on a tangent....With Phil..he just wants me for my assets...I kind of want to but think its loneliness...can't tell what my own intentions r...damn!

Afroman
"Its been too long. Come let me hold you." That's what I feel abt him....I know in my heart that I love him. I know that I need him on some level but in my heart...I'm afraid to take that step..more like leap...into love into hurt into the unknown. Or maybe that its getting cold and when it gets cold that's when these needs come up...need to connect. Need to feel loved. Need to be held....I wonder if he can meet these needs or if I'm asking for too much...am I? I just want to wrap myself in him.

Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift.- mantra of the day


Friday, May 25, 2007
dumbassery

So....................
Mr. Phil wants to find a decent girl. And..he's made his quest known. Very known. Yet and still, I'm sitting right across from him like CHOOSE ME! CHOOSE ME! I'M RIGHT FUCKIN HERE!

He's still trolling Black Planet, and myspace - all sorts of things.

FRUSTRATION!

Posted by Nina at 2:45 PM


Saturday, May 26, 2007
benefit of the doubt

it's a special thing. to give someone the benefit of doubt. meaning, you really are hoping for the best even though your heart knows its the worst.

mr. phil.
maybe this is more than i can handle.
maybe this is a challenge for me.
i don't know my take on it.

but, for now..he gets the benefit of the doubt from me.
i'm witholding judgement.
i'm holding my peace.

looking at my cards, while the chips are stacked. seeing if he's bluffing.

then i'll take a deep breath and lay my cards on the table.

so, he gets the benefit of the doubt

for now...


Saturday, May 26, 2007
SexxxyTime

We got it on and poppin
(Kinda)
Right after I wrote the benefit of the doubt post,
I was staring Mr.Phil in the eyes. Daring him to do something.
I was bold. I was fearless.
I was horny.
I was scared.
Somehow, we stood up and he kissed me!
Ooooo weeeeeeeeee those lips!
Big, juicy, soft! Yummy..
Those arms...sexy, strong, yummy! Lol
...
We were sneaking kissses n all day.
But it was harder because there was people around and we're at WORK FOR
FUCK'S SAKE [lol]
Anywho..
He already propositioned me to go into the bathroom and fucking him....I
politely declined.



One girl comes in...we send her out for Starbucks.

He grabbed my ass, my tits (tits are breasts when they're being
respectable..this was not a respectable situation)...bit my neck.
He says he loves my lips.

People come in. Surely, we can't send them all to Starbucks.

We send flirtatious messages to each other.



We walk down in the staircase.
We walk up the staircase, fearful that someone was coming.

Then......sluttiness ensues....if u have a problem...with that...this is
not for u.....
Abort! Abort!
Ok...with that said.

We kissed. He ripped open my dress...it has buttons going down the
front. And pulled out my tit and was sucking on it like a baby trying to
get milk.
He grabbed at my thighs. He cupped my ass....he was trying to stick his
fingers n my cunt.
(Yes cunt is a dirty word and I loves it!)
Anywho...
I pushed him away....I scratched his back....I kiissed and licked and
nibbled and bit
He kept trying to push my head down..
Me (thinking): "I'm not sucking ur dick"
Mr.Phil pushes my hand down to his crotch...
Me(thinking): "I can do a handjob"
Kiss some more. He pulls hair and scratches me and almost chokes me...
He slips his finger in...ooooo...I'm wetttttt
It sloshes around (lol) and he's entering me.
Feels good.
Yummmmm
My leg is shaking.
Oooo my leg is shaking.

He aggressively asks me to suck his dick.

"Yo..I wanna feels ur lips on my dick."
Mmmmm....he knows what he wants..and is not afraid to ask for it. Sexy
sexy man!

I oblige...he says I'm good.
Me (thinking) Ge Me! Go me!
I hear him say "yea that's right swallow that shit"
Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp
What?!
No!
I don't swallow. Nooo sirrreee
Sure enough it was coming.
I spit it out.
Thinking about his last HIV test.
Thinking about mine.

Me (shouting) ur supposed to warn people.
Him: sorry...he kisses me

Then...he walks me almost all the way home..which includes train and bus
ride.

He won't stop talking....

Oh, didn't I mention? I just want u for sex?
Hmmmmmmm

To be continued....

Posted by


hunh? Saturday, June 6, 2007

I want to kiss Mr. Phil again, but do not have the urge to make the move. Don't know if I should and don't feel like someone's hand going down my shirt right now. Maybe, I shouldn't resume the kissing until I feel like some lovin....hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...........................

Moving in time is quickly approaching. What to do? What to do?
Still haven't packed completely. Feeling soooo willy nilly about it. Actually, really am anxious about. But...I can't seem to want to do anything lately. Feeling really willy nilly about life.

Posted by Nina at 7:31 AM


Friday, July 6, 2007
Mr. Phil no more!


Mr. Phil is somewhat of a lothario with the ladies. He's one of the 2 goodlooking fellas here at work and all the ladies swoon.

But, I, ladies and gents am officially over it and him.

I'm saying this gritting my teeth holding my breath knowing this will come back to haunt me....SHIT!

But, yes Mr. Phil has been flirting with too many women here at the office. Women, by nature are like cats..territorial, ferocious creatures and he is playing with fire. He has (more than) flirted with me, GiGi, La Princesa, NewGirls 1 and 2, and he constantly searches on BlackPlanet and other sites for women. It's disgusting me.
GiGi and LP are not looking too kind on him either and I'd rather have my girls than a man.

Hopefully, I won't eat my words. They taste bitter going down.

Too bad he's so sexy though.

Posted by Nina at


Monday, December 10, 2007
Did I ever tell you....

Mr. Phil and Gi are having relations.

They're in a back-n-forth thing and I never told her about us. She
really likes him. He doesn't know what he wants.

They were off and he came to me. Asking if he could see my apartment. I
told him it wouldn't be a good idea. He didn't ask why.

Now, they're on.

I really hope this doesn't end badly. Gi is on the best friends I've
ever had.

Posted by Nina


Friday, August 17, 2007
no more drop dead fred

Mr. Phil is gone. Fired today. I'm sad because I've been a bitch to him for the past few weeks. I've been told when I withold my love, its like the sunshine is gone. This was not lost on him. I treated him as I do all the lovers who've scorned me and now we won't have our Saturday morning flirtation to get back to that place where we were comfortable.

Maybe its better that way.

Oooh..there's a new guy at the job who is yummy....(lol)


Thursday, August 23, 2007
Guess Fred wasn't Dead

Mr. Phil bowed out with a bang it seemed. He named names of people who are unhappy in the company. Specifically me.

In great detail.

This annoys me to no other.

uno: Don't throw other people under the bus because you want to have more ammunition. Let me speak on my shit. You try to keep yours together.

dos: We haven't been speaking at all lately anyway. So...he doesn't know what he's talking about...Yes, everyone knows by the scowl on my face, I love working there, but still... refer to #1.

He was not fired, after all. He was suspended for 2 weeks. If he's smart, he'll find another job.

Either way, there's no space in my heart for him anymore. My weasel quota is filled to capacity.


Saturday, April 26, 2008
Exorcizing Mr. Phil

If you're not familiar...bone up on the Mr. Phil series.(LOOK TO THE RIGHT)I sat at work, trying to feel important, perusing my e-mail and I kept my G-mail open for a while. A window opens,

Hey

*surprised*
Hey

How you doing?

I'm good. At work..taking over for (insert supervisor's name).

Ok. What are you doing this weekend besides working?

Umm....nothing. I don't know. Are you in school?
(Did you notice the deliberate subject change)

Yes. I go to York.

What are you studying?

Business Law.

You like it?

Yes, they have an amazing program they guide you all the way through law school wah wah wah...Do you have a man?

I'm dating. What about you?

I have the same attitude about women.

Wow. I guess I always admired your honesty. You never made it out to be more than what it was. Women appreciate that. But, I guess I never understood the whole "not having time for a relationship" thing.

When a man says he doesn't have time for a relationship, it means he DOESN'T WANT a relationship.

True. Because if you wanted it you would make time. At least you didn't try to front when it came to me AND Gi.

Yes. I'm still very attracted to you. If you want, I'm not dating anyone right now, I'd like to have sex with you.

*blank stare*
I guess I'm flattered. I will have to say no. Gi is my friend and I couldn't do that.

Gi was never my girl. I messed with you before I messed with her.

Yes, and I never told her what went on with her. If I did, I could guarantee she wouldn't have slept with you.

I guess there's some type of principle girls have when it comes to that.

Yes, there is.

Well, I can respect that. Does that mean we can't get a drink some time.

No, it doesn't. As long as you know there are boundaries.

Well, I guess that means no because I would still try to violate those boundaries. I can't lie. I want to sleep with you. I never got the chance and I really want to.

*jaw on the floor*
Well, I guess it is what it is.

Nina, I've always admired your strength. I hope you accomplish
everything that you want in your life. Goodbye and good luck.

****

Oh.My.Lawd.

This negro did not just proposition me. No, he didn't expect me to hop into bed with him. No, he didn't dismiss me form his life just like that.Now that I'm writing this, I'm thinking about how much I wanted him once upon a time. We felt each other up with the cameras watching at work and did not care. He was so big and sexy. When he kissed my neck, shivers ran down my spine. He was so passionate.It's been a while! Jesus take the wheel! I hope I made the right decision.

Yay for Consecutive Posts!

Yes...I'm patting myself on the back of a week of back to back posts!

Has it really been that eventful? Or am I just being more pensive? I
find myself typing away on my sidekick either every morning this week or
every evening. It works. I get my thoughts out. The world is happier.

Moving right along....

I need to be better with my finances. I'm really fucking up. I can't
live hand to mouth, paycheck to paycheck and continue to do the
pageants, have a social life, and be a budding fashionista. I can't
stand being broke all the time anymore. I haven't figured out if its
because I need a second job or if I'm just mis-managing my money. It
might be both. My mom thinks I go out too much. She might be right.
(Yes! I said my mom might be right about something.)

I've already committed to going to Miami in June and to 2 more balls.
One this weekend and one next month.

So...........

That's that.

I just know I have to do better. I have to write out a budget and abide
by that and yes, say no when my friends who(the majority of) live at
home ask me to go out.

I'm not really missing out on anything...right?

Exit Strategy

And so....in the afterglow of the last post, I text him...

Me: Do you want me to stop texting/contacting you? Let me know where I
stand.

B: Whaaaaaaaaaat?

Me: I haven't really heard from you in days. I just want to know if I
should take the hint and stop bothering you.

B: Ok I am a hard working man so if u need someone there all the time
to text n talk I am not the one I like u but I am a man oon a mission
hun and that's success

Me: No. A "hi I'm alive" text once a day takes nothing. I understand
what you're about. I'm not trying to change your agenda by any means but
if the shoe was on the other foot and you hadn't heard from me in 3
days, how would you feel?

B: I would be understanding.

Me: I've been very accomodating of you and your schedule. I'm bending
all my rules for you. I just hope you see that. Hopefully we can talk
more about in person next week.

B: My schedule will be the same way next week . How is the pageant ?

Me: It's this weekend. I may not be competing but I'm still going to
support. I don't see why I can't meet you for lunch/dinn/bfast

B: *crickets*

---------------------------------------------------------
*shakes head*

He really spoke volumes there, didn't he?

---------------------------------------------------------

Who is this WOMAN?

K, soooo...I'm a little tipsy and Mother Nature has chosen to let me know that I am not with child by making me bleed from my crotch and bloat me like a character from the Macy's Parade.

annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd...every text I get, I think it's from Blair.

but of course...it is not.

And so, I walk by his house and resist the urge to:

1. Throw a brick through his living room window

OR

2. Circle the block one two....too many times, in hopes of bumping into him.


And I stop myself...each time. Because, that is not cute.

I think to myself...

Who is this woman and what has she done with Nina.

Or maybe I should ask questions the day I don't stop myself and either have to explain a hole through someone's window or why the cops are called for a prowler.

The Suicide Story

The Breaking Point recently shared his thoughts on a frat brother's
suicide and his own bout with depression and I said I would share my own
thoughts and struggle.

This is hard for me to write because my nature is to act as though I
have no problems while swallowing my pain. This is part of the problem.

My first attempt or thoughts of suicide was when I was 13 years old. I
was working on Roosevelt Island. Its right in the middle of Manhatta and
Queens, a small island first dedicated to people who had been paralyzed
who were trying to lead normal lives. There was a Promenade that looked
out to midtown Manhattan. My father was dead. My mother was kind of
detached. I was going through those adolescent changes. I felt ugly. I
had given my virginity to someone on a whim because I felt like I was
entering high school and felt like I needed to experience new things. I
just got out of an abusive relationship where my boyfriend dumped me for
my best friend...basically, there was a lot of SHIT. I didn't think my
life could get any worse. I can't swim, so I decided to jump over the
gates of the promenade into the Hudson River which in itself is suicide.
Just below the gates were these sharp rocks that the impact of my
hitting them would hurt a lot and then I would roll down into the river
and just give up. I remember clearly visualizing myself jumping and saw
myself as a wounded pig on the rocks. I started crying hysterically as I
gripped the railing. I asked God to send me a sign that life would get
better. I prayed that if I didn't end my life right there thay I would
have the strength to go on.

I want to say that there was a big sign...the skies opened with hail and
frogs, but it didn't. I heard a voice say that it will get better. I
thought it was God talking to me. For years, I convinced myself that it
was God. I tried to talk about it in my church's youth group but the
youth leader who was like my sister ignored me. She didn't want to
discuss it and so she closed her eyes and willed it to go away.

A few weeks ago, I was severely depressed. There's a lot going on right
now. Some of it I blog about, some of it I don't. But, nevertheless, I
thought that I was ready to try again.

I tried talking to Gi and LP in no specific terms. I told them I felt
like I was failing at life and that I might need counseling. LP told me
she thought I should talk to someone. Her aunt had gone through the same
thing I'd gone through. She'd gone on anti-depressants and it really
helped. Gi was more in denial. She just thought I was going through a
rough patch and although she could tell there was a stark change in my
mood, she didn't think I was in any real danger.

I was busy trying to put my affairs in order while thinking of ways to
do it. I think I settled on slitting my wrists. I was thinking of what I
would say in my note.

I remember one day just feeling really weak. Like, I let things spin out
of control and it was time for me to reclaim that.

I would love to say I'm great. I'll never be depressed again. This is
not true.

Happiness, attaining happiness, is a marathon not a sprint and I'm glad
I'm still in the game.

Enough Said!

Couldn't Have Been Clearer

Gi and I had dinner last night. We talked about our lives. Her friend just got accepted into the Ph.D program at NYU. We discussed LP's life. I came clean about the Blair Situation. I pretty much made up my mind about it all and had the vague idea that...ummm...I fucked up.

I came home and called Afroman.

We talked, laughed, dissed each other.

I told him about LP's love life. (The dude she's talking to called her morbidly obese and says she's on the road to death and destruction about her weight. She has really low self-esteem. Yet, she's fucking him and while he told her he doesn't want to be a bad boyfriend that's why he hasn't made that step yet...she's still hanging in there hoping he will change his mind, even though she wants the picket-fence/house/kids/yadaya spiel)

What he said had my jaw on the friggin floor.

Here's a summary:
Girls are so freakin stupid. They just don't get it. If you want a guy to date you and get to know you and all that stuff..don't let dude smash. Once he hits it, its over. OVER! Because you let him fast forward to the good part. You can't go back and get to know someone after you have sex because all that other stuff is boring. If I have a daughter, I'm gonna tell her not to let no dudes smash...Girls think they're Cinderella and life is going to be all make-believe and shit. You're not a princess. Things don't work like that. There's no going back....

We were talking about that for a good 45 minutes.

It became clear, I messed up. I cheated myself because I didn't want what I thought I wanted.

I slept on what he said.

I woke up this morning. Feeling like mold. Yet, not in the depressed-woe is me- way but in the I need to focus on myself.

There are things I need to be doing with myself.

When I was 17, I was so thankful to have made it to that age (explanation of that later)..I had big dreams...I had aspirations for myself and I can't remember when the hell that all fell by the wayside.


It's time for a change.

No day like to day. No time like the present.

Shuffle

Geez...before I can even begin to bear my soul in this post...the little Chinese lady next to me is about to get whooped. She's been in my face from W 4th st to High St. Which is at least a glance too long. The man in front of me...his fly is down. He looks like Overton from Living Single..remember? Trick turned around to the side to stare in my face. How rude!?!

I just feel like listening to the YeahYeahYeahs scream in my ear for a while. I want to be wrapped up in my own world. I want to pull all my shit around me like a blanket and be nice, warm, and cushy in it. All of it.

I feel like I showed my cards. I gave him the good stuff. I gave him the best - the top shelf stuff and he didn't have to do anything but ask. And be all big and sexy and stuff.

When I like someone I don't remember what they look like. I didn't remember what Afroman looked like until recently and that's because I've stared at his picture, his face is emblazoned in my head.

I forgot what Blair looked like until I saw him in my office. There he was...clear as day. He looks just like my co-worker, Panama. Its uncanny.

I kept looking at him and getting shy. Then there were those flashbacks....

*sigh*

If there were any thoughts that we could have something, its *poof*

Or after talking to Genie, it is what he wants and you can't make someone do something that they don't want to do.

So now I have to take what I can get.I wish I could shuffle the cards and be dealt a new hand.

I'm still not mad I slept with him. It was great. He's comfortable. He makes me feel like something who needs inspection. He watches everything. Every expression. Every nuance. It makes you feel special.

I am slightly peturbed at myself for not figuring out what I wanted first. I want closeness. Intimacy. I want to hold hands and go to the movies and museums. I want fights about boring Saturday nights playing Scrabble.

The sex is great. I'll continue to sleep with him when I can until I can. I know eventually my heart will ache and I will want more.

Until then, I guess I will not mess with a good thing.

Good Fences...Part 5 - The Conversation

The phone rang. 12:50am.

"I just got home. Let me shower and I'll call you when I'm out."

I breathed a sigh of relief.

I lotioned. I checked myspa.ce. I checked fac.ebo.ok. I decided to start
dozing off.

And in the most terrifying way, the phone jolted me from my sleep.

"Ayo Nina..." His voice assuaged the effects of my coronary.

I was there in 5 minutes flat.

We began with a massage. I found all his ticklish spots. We laughed and
joked and umm...handled business.

All I'm gonna say about that is..."froggy" separates the strong from the
weak. My knees were not up to it, for sure.

Anywho...I was ready to sleep. Yet, his brothers and sister were having
a heated discussion about something and someone was watching adult swim
cartoons with the sound up so high, I heard it through Blair's closed
door. I wanted to scream at them. I wanted to join the conversation.
But, I knew my place. I wanted to leave and go home, but is that in poor
taste? Hmmm....

The next morning, his alarm clock blared at 7am.

I kissed his back from the small of his back to the nape of his neck.

He groaned.

I licked his ear. Kissed his throat. Kissed his lips.

Nothing.

I stroked his chest. Traced my way down from his collarbone to below his
waist.

"Babe...I'm beat."

I pouted. I wanted something wake me up.

"Blair."

"Hmm.."

"Let me ask you something."

His interest was piqued.

"Nevermind," I said looking away from him.

"Speak your mind, Nina."

<<interjection>> I read in Cosmo that the majority of women think its
sexier when a guy calls them by their name, than by a petname. Anyone
can be sweetie, sugar, hun, babe...but there's only one "insert your
name here" at that given moment. I said that to say...he never calls me
anything but my name when we speak. In text messages, he says hun which
is cute. <<end>>

"I don't want to be your jump-off," I blurted out.

I sat upright, Indian-style. That's my empathetic yet
I'm-about-to-fuck-yo-shit-up pose. He looked at me like I slapped him.

"What? Where did this come from?"

"I just want to be clear where my boundaries are and are not. I don't
want to be the chick you only call at 1am."

"Well...this is how my life is. I'm working and I'm building my
foundation for my future wife and kids. I made a promise to my dad that
I would look after my brother and sister and make sure they go in the
right path. My free time, I spend with them. I don't have the time to be
a boyfriend to anyone. This is what comes with being with me. I don't
think you're a jump-off. I like you a lot. I'm not a phone person. So,
for me to call you is a lot. If I wanted you to just have sex with, that
would be the extent of the conversation if any."

I was the one who's turn it was to look slapped.
I had this vision of what I thought he was about or rather wat I wanted
him to want from me and it wasn't the case and he was telling me what it
was. He couldn't have said it any clearer.

"I understand. I don't want to make demands on you. I'm not trying to be
that added pressure."

My words held out in the air between us. I didn't want to look at him,
feeling foolish. Like a little girl with a naive dream.

"I don't want to sleep with anyone else," I blurted out. I mean if we're
going to go this far, why not lay my cards on the table?

"That's good," he smiled.

"I don't want you to sleep with other people." His smile faded and my
heart dropped.

"I mean, are you satisfied with me?"

"Sexually?

"Yes."

"Yes, I am."

"So...."

"Sometimes, I have sex with my ex girlfriend. She's known me since I was
15. She has a daughter with another bum nigga and her daughter calls me
dad. Sometimes we see each other and...ya know..."

[Slapped Face]

I thought of Afroman.

I understood where he was coming from. I would probably sleep with him
if/when he comes back to Brooklyn. If I weren't sleeping with Blair.

I guess my whole theory is if I'm completely fine with you, I don't need
to be under someone else. Some people don't agree.

I don't remember how we ended the conversation, but it ended on a
hopeful, positive note.

Later, I text him... "I think you poked a hole through something"

He laughed.

He told me he would be working overnights for the next two weeks. I was
sad but relieved. I have bags under my eyes and a competition coming up
next weekend.

I need the rest.

Spring Makes me Siiing!

(Ignore the blatant vanity in this post)

I had the perfect outfit in mind as soon as they said 70 degrees in the
morning, 50 in the evening. The creation in my head was perfect on my
body. (How often does that happen?)

Demin pencil dress, with my brown suede knee boots, auburn purse, and
scarf with auburn, pink, black, and beige floral pattern.

You know you're having a good outfit day when gay men admire you and
straight women hate on you. Both happened!

This guy as I was walking to the station didn't have to say anything.
The look he gave me said it all (as well as the extra switch in his
step.

I smiled broadly.

The hater woman was a lot funnier. The man sitting next to her on the
platform was staring at me. She locked eyes on me like a target and kept
giving me dirty looks. When the train came there was an empty 2-seater.
She saw me going for it. So, she rushes to sit on the outside of it, so
if I wanted to sit, I would have to ask her to move her big ass.

I let it go.

At the next stop the seat directly in front of her opens. I sat down and
looked dead in her face and smiled.

I smiled the entire commute to work.

Because, I'm so much prettier when I smile and I heard when you're
smiling the whole world smiles with you.

What in the Hell?

I was waiting for the bus to go home last night after a little cocktail
or 2 and I saw this young girl talk to some dude in a car. He was trying
to holla at her from across the street. When she ignored him and they
were talking. She was still at the bus stop and he was in the car. He
convinced her to enter his car at 11:30pm to take her home.

I hope she made it safely. I hope nothing happened. I hope he didn't
expect anything from her. I hope!

She couldn't have been more than 18 years old.

*sigh*

Good Fences...Part 4 - The Stand Up

He text(ed).

He called.

He wanted to see me again (yippee!).

Then...he worked a double-shift.

He went to sleep at 7am. Woke up and worked from 3pm -12am. And still
had ambitions of trying to see me.

I was jones-ing badly. I wanted him. His smooth skin, his kisses, his
soft bed. I wanted it. I raced home. I bathed.

.....

12 am. No call. No text.

.....

1 am. No call. No text.

.....

I call at 1:30am. Pissed and horny.

.....

I finally doze off but wake up occasionally to check my phone.

.....

He calls me at 8:30am. Apologizing profusely.

I pout. I accept. I forget it (hmmm...) with the resolve to understand
he's tired. He worked his ass off and to have more self-respect...the
chocolate addiciton was SERIOUS.

We made plans for that night.

I went out to have a few cocktails with Gi and LP and Gi's dude. We'll
call him, ATL.

I was done after 2 drinks (yes...that is my M.O) I was not wobbly or
puke-y but giggly and that's a sure sign.

I rushed home, as much as rushing looks like in that state. I showered
and waited.

12 am came...no call.

12:30 am .... shit!

I started cussing him out in my head.

Whodoeshethinkheis?IamNina.Idonnotgetstooduptwice.Hegotanotherthingcomingokbecauseno!

[....]

The Morning After...

aka Good Fences Make Good Neighbours Pt. 3

Part 1..

Part 2..

ooook...let's boogie

The alarm interrupted us at 6 o'clock in the morning and I felt the warmth of his body leave me to turn it off.

"I'm sorry, love. I usually wake up early to work out with my personal trainer."

I nodded, wanting to snuggle in the nook of his underarm once again. He obliged my telepathic demands.

We lay there, him falling asleep almost immediately.

There was a knock at the door.

"Ayo, B?" He roused, lazily. He got up. I remembered his delicious frame. "Yo, you got a black tie?"

"I'm sorry, Nina, that's my brother. I need to turn on the light."He brought out his tie-rack and I was tempted to think about all the things we could do with those ties. (*evil grin*)

He handed his brother the tie through the door.

He stared at my face. It was startling. (Especially because I know my make-up was all over my face.) I began to hide in his mountain of pillows and sheets.

"You're beautiful. Come on. Don't do that."

He held me. He kissed me.

"Climb on top of me."

I obliged.

((Insert all sorts of deliciousness))

I wanted to be tired the rest of the day, but I was oddly on a high.

I smiled at the thought of him, replaying scenes of him in my mind. His kiss...his caress...the way he lifted me and dropped me.

I didn't feel bad abt my choice. I felt no guilt or remorse. In the back of my mind, I hoped he'd call.



(Is this becoming like the "Trapped in the Closet" series?)

Good Fences Make Good Neighbours (continued)

First, go, here..if you're unfamiliar.

MMMkayyy....

And so, he
called.

I was scared shitless.

In the back of my mind, I knew something profound was about to happen. There was a light mist in the air. It was warm enough for me to believe it was spring and as I walked to his house in my brown sweater dress, gray tights, and brown suede knee boots, I was ready and focused.

He met me at the door looking scrumptious. His dark skin glowed. He was better looking than I remembered, but I didnt notice, at first blinded by his smile and his broad shoulders, man-pecks, and his whole laid back essence.

Gorgeousness.

He greeted me with a kiss on the cheek and a hug. We retreated to his bedroom to watch the movie. It would be cozier that way, he said.

First "ding" moment.

We sat down as he watched sports highlights. We talked.

He's Haitian. Has a degree in Criminal Justice. Works way too much for us to have a 'normal' relationship.

He tried to kiss me.

I tried to suffocate him with my hands.

He picked me up and held me in his arms standing up, then gently placed me down.

He tried to kiss me.

I let him.

[insert miscellaneous touching/hugging/kissing/other]

The brotha knows what he is doing in the Boom Boom Room. He is attentive, commanding, accomodating, gracious...sheesh! I feel like I built him for my own pleasure.

We fell asleep spooning. His body was so big and inviting. He was so affectionate.

I hoped that I didn't make a mistake like this one..\

I hoped he would call me the next day.

I hoped he would remember my name.

I hoped I hadn't sold myself short.

I hoped he wouldn't get custody of his side of the block because that would make life way difficult for me.

I took a deep breathe and accepted what I did. I couldn't regret it. It felt too good.

(to be continued.)

If I Ruled the Blog World

If I Ruled the Blog World - stolen from, Monie


Ok, here we go. If I ruled the blog world, here is how it would be:

1) Bloggers would not be allowed to have Media Players. I'm sorry...don't mean to offend, but they're a little annoying.

2) There would be a requirement to meet up for drinks at least once every 6 months in one central location that is in the middle of where everyone lives.

3) The Breaking Point and I would go on a date.

4) We would have sister-girl conferences the moment there is a dilemma. It would be very GoldenGirls-ish, complete with Sophia and cheesecake.

5) No one would abuse the you're vs. your, they're vs. their vs. there, and we're vs. were vs. where grammar rules.

6) We would be able to swap lives with the most glamorous of bloggers...just because or at least be a fly on the wall or fugg it, just wear their shoes.

7) There would be more of a selection of templates/options to be more creative...let's not relive the schizophrenic template ISSUES I've been having lately.

8) Blogs would create more understanding of the general human condition throughout all the land. There would be less racism/phobia of all types.

9)I would be able to truly REACH OUT to those who I feel deserve it. No more money woes for certain bloggers or deadbeat dad issues for others...it would be glorious.

10) And finally, if I ruled the Blog World, I would try to use my power for good and not evil. (Maybe even if its on a 60/40 ratio)

It's Alive!!!

YES! This is the background I've wanted for my blog this whole time...

*does booty shake*

Carry on with your normal lives....


*mooohhahahahahahaha*

Good Fences Make Good Neighbours

Blair Underwood and I text(ed) and called each other, randomly running the gambit of who can see each other when. I was randomly thinking.."I like this guy."

Because he can take a joke.

.....and be 6ft4, 250 solid pounds does not fucking hurt.

So, there we were - in a pickle.

He works at one job 3 - 11pm. His days off of Fri/Sat. On those days, he bounces (yea...) at a club at night. I work mid-shift 10/11-6/7. My days off are Sunday/Monday.

I had to ask myself....is the universe trying to tell you something.

My weekend was stacked with engagements.

BU:"Come by my house when I get off of work on Thursday. I get off at 11pm. We can watch a movie."
ME: "Ummm...how about we go some place public."
BU: "When"

NO dates/times were appropiate.

ME: "Fine. But don't try any funny business."
BU: "I won't. I'll be good."
ME: "Yes. Just because you're 14 inches taller than me and way stronger doesn't mean I can't slam your ass to the ground."
BU: "You're crazy. I won't take advantage of you."

And so, Thursday night found me getting primped watching Sex in the City on HBO on Demand and nervous.

(to be continued....)

The Case of the Magic Money Transfer

A week before my birthday (Feb 4), my brother asked me what I wanted for
my birthday. "A lightning bolt tattoo," I told him. He told me he would
buy it for me. That tattoo would cost about $80. The day of my birthday,
his phone was mysteriously off and I didn't get his money or my tattoo.

Three weeks later, I was in a bind. I had to pay my light/cable/phone
bills. Plus, my rent and gas. I was spent. Literally.

I asked him to help me out. That was on a Sunday. The main bill - the
light bill - was due on Tuesday. Monday, he would send it. Monday
turned to Wednesday. Wednesday turned to Thursday. Thursday turned to me
not speaking to him until Sunday.

He called me.

Surprise!

He asked, "Did you get your little $80."

Excuuuuuse me!

I told him that I didn't, naively expecting that this time would be
different. He told me that he was still in bed. He told me to call him
in a half-hour with a confirmation number.

I called and called, and for good measure called again.

I called one more time.
He picked up. Gave me a confirmation number. I spent my entire lunch
break getting to MoneyGram to pick up the money. I couldn't find an open
one on a Sunday.

I called MoneyGram. They gave me the confirmation number. They had
nothing on record for that code, nothing under his name, my name, or
either of our numbers.

I called him. Literally 20 times in a row. I was pissed. Beyond
pissed...livid.

I finally got him after calling his girlfriend like 3 times. I guess she
figured I wasn't going to blow up his phone like I was doing his.

He said that he went to WalMart to send the money. The girl put it
through but there was an error. He had to call MoneyGram to straighten
it out. That was the last I heard from him.

I'm upset with him, but more upset with myself for trusting in someone
who's never done anything to enhance my life at all. I should've known
that the money would never come. I thought that because we were
siblings, he would feel that he could tell me the truth.

The situation is just ugly. Still, it will get uglier. I plan on giving
him the tongue lashing of a lifetime.

Because sometimes, family can fuck you over more than strangers. In the
end, I've learned what I will and will not stand for.

Whenever I Call

The rain tapped at the window like a hungry lover waiting to be let in.
Or like a dog locked out of the house, panting for attention. Maybe, I
just imagine you that way. The way these past few months have gone,
maybe, I imagine myself that way. Loneliness has become like Ms. PacMan
eating all the debris my heat sheds as it whittles away. I assume, it
will become empty space and later my body will follow and I will slip
away into.....nothingness.

And I close my eyes and imagine letting you in. I imagine you coming
home to me and spooning me in the glow of the moonlight. In the wake of
the insistent tapping of the rain.

I hate rainy nights.

It always finds me missing someone. Tonight, that someone is you.

And I think of all your replacements. All those who I've tried to fill
the void with and failed. I think of this someone new. This someone to
spend lonely nights with and it makes me miss you more.

I become so horny, sleep is out of the equation. I pray for it to come
some, so I may dream of you.
Half-wishing I could forget, I think of new prospects.

Spring is when I bloom.

The floor boards creak. The house is settling itself. And terror enters
my chest - too many episodes of CSI or Law and Order. And I clutch my
blanket to my chest wishing you were there with your arms of
protection.

And I know when she's scared, you are the one she calls. And I know you
are there to answer. My eyes adjust to the darkness, clutching my
sidekick close. My only weapon against the unknown night.

My breath catches in my throat. My heart beats faster. Until my fears
subside.

And I know, when I call, you are not there.

And I wish I could forget you. The taste of your lips, the feel of your
skin, and the fact that you were my best friend once upon a time. And, I
think of others who have tried to claim your prize. The prize I still
consider to be yours. You live in my heart. You are my living, breathing
thing. You are my love. The Fabio in my fantasy.

And I wish I could stop missing you. I wish I could forget that, when I
call, you are not there.