I'm Alive!!

Tomorrow is my last day in Bermuda.

Wow.

Before this trip, I was really anxious. I had myself convinced I wouldn't make it here...you know...like SOMETHING would happen where I couldn't come. (crazy, yes, I know!)

Anywhosies....
I've got my batteries recharged. I didn't spend all my money. I'm amped to go home and make some shit happen for myself.

I'm about 2 shades darker, my nephew asked me to live here and help out his wife in her salon. I'm leaving with a plan of action. I'm happy. I'm focused. I'm ready to attack.

My end game is to have stores/clients in different cities. I have a feeling NYC will always be my home-base but I want to try and work/see/visit/live in as many places as I can. Luckily, my profession allows that.

With living in Bermuda...it is entirely different from living in NYC where the buses don't run regularly. The cost of living is ridiculous (even compared to NYC standards)...my US cell phone costs $2.29 a min to talk on, $0.35 per text. The internet is wack and I don't know anyone NOT related to me. Everyone is either 5+ years older than me or 5+ years younger than me which is weird. Also, BDA is a small town....in an essence where everyone knows your business. I'm sooooo not used to that! I'm projecting to come here possibly by February.

In the meantime, my priorities are:

1. Budget the $$ I Already Have
I need to pay down my debt while investing in acquiring more makeup, my own products and you know, eating and such.

2. Make More Money
I need to get investors interested, seek out grants, loans,etc. And...*drumroll please* WORK! I'm torn between getting a job at MAC or really trying to hustle up more freelance jobs. I'll probably settle on doing both. Either way...I need at least $2500 by August and then another $3000 by October to be able to be in London comfortably.

3. Being Healthy
The family curse is kidney disease on my father's side. All my sisters have it. My father died from it. On my mother's side, diabetes and hypertension. (Damn, can you tell I'm black?) My sisters basically told me...its just a matter of time before my ship comes in so I need to be proactive with my diet, lose some weight and just do better.
I need some health insurance!

So, I need to juggle all this stuff, church, friends and find love?? (Lol)

Speaking of love, I feel like I've been looking in all the wrong places. While out with my wild sister (lol), the men treat me differently. Honestly, while here, I haven't worn heels, I haven't had on tight tight clothes, I didn't even TRY with makeup..it was basically MAC Honeylust all over my lid and some liquid liner most days and the men gawked, bought me drinks, were shy, smiled, held my hand while meeting me a lil too long and I LOVED it! I mean, yes,island men have a way of getting what they want but don't MOST men? Anywhosies, there's this guy I met at the coffee shop in Brooklyn whom I feel is totally awesome...so awesome that I wrote stupid ass poems abt him (yea, I know, lol) There's something inside of me saying...pursue! Take no prisoners! There's also something else sayin...relax. Jay and Marshall text me while I was here. I text Jay back saying I'm in Bermuda, email me. He never did. I want my $0.35 back! I know what these dudes are about...why am I even wasting my damn time? I think Jay is less of a lost cause than Marshall. We'll see. Each summer, I work my ass off. I guess this one is no different. Other than them, that dude from Chicago, CJ is great but my lifestyle doesn't rock with him. (Notice, Chicago is just not on my list of places to be right now...soon though.)

I'm playing it by ear. I'm open to dating and not much more than that. So, we'll see. 2 1/2 more weeks and I'll be celibate for a year and a half.

With everything added up,
In this moment, I'm happy. :)
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I Need a Mate

Since I can't tweet, I'm blogging how I feel right this second....

I'm going out again with my sister, O. Again. Seriously, she talks way too much. Its driving me bananas. I need to learn this island so I can go by myself gallavanting around in peace.

Where are my other sisters? I've been here since Sunday and I haven't seen my eldest. Semi-depressed. I need a friend. Omg. She's resorted to telling me the same stories over and over. She tells me random shit I don't care about. Like abt her sons' friends and their girlfriends. Is silence that hard? I really can't complain. Did I really think a slice of paradise whould be completely free? I just know me and I know eventually, I'm gonna spaz the fuck out.

Ay carambe!
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Bermuda Gombey Dancer

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Day 2

"Auntie, auntie..." My nephew, R1, was at my door this morning. I didn't answer for the first few times he said it because I'm not used to it. Lol. He genuinely respects me as his aunt although he's 12 years older than me. He made me slammin banana pancakes as he talked to me about his life. He works 7 days a week. He bought this house 8 yrs ago. He's trying to pay it off within the next 10 yrs and buy another house in St. Kitts and/or London. He got up at 7 am after getting in the house from work at 1am. I asked him if he were tired. He said, "I'm a man. I don't get tired." I love him for that. Reminded me of my dad. A lot about Bermuda reminds me of my father. My family has his eyes.

Today was Bermuda Day...think Labor Day meets Memorial Day. Even though it rained most of the day, there was a parade. Majorettes, floats, Gumbay dancers, food, and lots of family. I met my uncle Frederick who last saw me when I was in diapers. He's got to be 70 yrs old not looking a day over 50. Anyway, he looked at me and was like, yep...you look like family. Yay, I pass for a real Bermudian. Hehehe. I also realized that the family likes to use the same name over and over. My dad, Vincent has 2 sons named Vincent. My uncle Joey named all his (3) sons Joey, lol. My uncle Victor named his son, you guessed it...Victor. Lol. Talking to uncle Frederick...I also have another uncle named Frederick, whom we called Freddie (L. Frederick Wade who was the first Prime Minister of the country...the airport is named after him) was so warm. I love nice old people.

I ran into this guy who's from Bed-Stuy. (The guy I was mean to at the coffee shop) He didn't diss me. We'll see how it goes when I get back home.

A lot of the people were complimenting my eye makeup. I didn't even go crazy. My sis was like...see, you should've brought biz cards. She forgets I'm on VA-CA-TION.

Gumbay dancers are Bermuda national icons. They depict African dance, colorful traditional garb and usually two dancers "fight" each other through dance. Kind of like voguing meets Native American culture.

I'm experiencing something I've never had before...true family. Everyone is so kind to me. Out of nowhere my sister gives me her iPod Touch because she has an iPhone. I'm going to guard it with my life because she told me the story of who she got it. We got soaked in the rain...she gave me a dashiki dress she bought from Jamaica.

I feel like a patchwork of my 3 sisters. K (the oldest) is quiet. She listens and observes. M (youngest) used to be wild. She was a bartender, was into cosmetology and was doing hair and makeup for a while. O is generous and knows everyone on the island. Kinda cool.

I still don't talk much because I feel like my accent is ugly. *shrug* Who am I fooling? I just don't talk much, lol.

There's going to be rain tomorrow. On the news, they said it may turn into a tropical storm (picked a great week to come, no?) So pray that that doesn't happen, k?

I attached a pic of a Gumbay dancer in action. I took video...hopefully, I can get those uploaded soon.

Hope you guys are great! Internet is so shaky. When I get home, gonna have a lot of catching up to do...
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Bermuda Day 1: Lizards + Stalker 8-Year Olds!

The only way I can communicate with people is through email. Thus, I shall blog when I can...I can't check blogs or anything. Internet service is spotty at best and the charge to use it on my phone is ridiculous.

When I touched down, it was so beautiful, I almost cried. The first place my sister took me was church. Ay ay ay...I get shy in front of new people. Anywhosies....I'm really here - in the land of pastel-colored houses, palm trees, driving on the left side of the street, and royal blue water everywhere. My sister is trying to keep me in church starting tonight and my brother-in-law is trying to kill us with his crazy driving. Every time I speak, I feel like a Yankee (as my sister's mother called me 5 minutes after getting here.)The island has 3 roads, a north road, a south road and a middle road.

Ever hear an Asian person speak with a British accent? Weird. We were in the supermarket today in preparation for Heritage Day (Bermudian Carnival) which is tomorrow. A loaf of bread is $5.60. One carton of Tropicana orange juice is $6.10. :-O. That's American dollars! This island is so expensive!I asked my sister if she wears sunscreen...she's 2 shades darker than me (and 5"0...no hope for me). She laughed. Her husband who looks more Portuguese or Porti and is light-skinned does. (Bermuda is comprised of those who were brought here and were here already...Africans and those who colonized - British and Portuguese, plus West Indians who emigrate here.) I saw a a child my complexion (mocha brown) who had natural curly hair my color (honey blonde) and green eyes. My nephews have natural sandy brown and blonde dreads. My brother is a rasta and his kids all have natural locs.

I have something that I've never had before and that is family. Everyone lives together, eats together...does everything together.

My lil cousin is 8 yrs old and has fallen in love with me. I thought it would be cool to have him hang out with me...until, the boy asked question after question for hours on end. At one point, I kicked him out. He just kept coming back. At one point, he said he saw a lizard and that it slithered in the dresser O.O

I thought iguana and not lizard. I was scared. Lizards are small. They don't bite. They just exist. He was playing a joke on me.

We BBQ'd. I had a great conversation with someone whom I thought was my sister-in-law's mother but it was actually my sister-in-law. My nephew is 36. This lady has got to be 50. She's mad cool though.

There are strange noises and it gets cold at night. The picture is the view from the outside of where I'm staying at around 8:30pm. Got a long day tomorrow. Besos!
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Boarding!

My plane to Bermuda!!! So many things going thru my head right now.

:)
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Updates

Hey party people in the place to be!

Grandma is doing better. Tomorrow, she should be getting discharged to a rehab center for physical therapy. She knows about my trip and all of a sudden, she wants to reconcile with my mom and godsis. funny funny.

Got my passport today so my trip is a GO! Holler! So excited. I leave Sunday! I'm feeling the stress of having to come back already! Smh. As soon as I get back...on the 5th, I'm promoting a makeup party. On the 13th, I have a wedding.The 18th, there's another party, the mag is doing.

Gosh!

I can't complain because those things should bring in some dollars. Much needed dollars.

The play for my church is going well. I committed to writing a 40-min screenplay for the organization I used to be in (when I competed in beauty competitions). Umm, they need the screenplay by Friday (a lil stress).

Other than that....wisdom tooth is still hurting. Hope it will go away soon so that when I come back, I can get it pulled. So far, Motrin is doing its job. Since I don't wanna OD on Motrin, I let it hurt all day (as long as its not excruciating) and right before I go to bed, I take something. I have a high threshold for pain. Not ideal but what can I do? can't afford to get it pulled right before my trip. I have a bad habit of grinding my teeth when I feel stress (which is all the time) and that aggravates it...so I've been trying to focus on a)not feeling stressed and b)feeling the stress but re-focusing it to something else so I don't grind my teeth.

Archer has been ignoring me lately. I feel like such a loser for saying that. I'm coming to a lot of realizations in regards to dudes.

I don't think I'm going to approach them anymore. I was talking to someone (forget who) about my personality. They think I'm turning into an alpha female being hella aggressive to get what I want (trying to be successful.) Being alpha female works in business but not in relationships. They say I need balance which is true. The term they used was I need "to be a gentler woman." People have epiphanies about me all the time but this one struck a chord.

Maybe I do need to be a gentler woman. For now, I don't know how.
Anywhosies, I'll dangle the carrot. If Bugs Bunny takes the bait, I'll go along with it. A man's gotta find me where I am being who I am. That's the story. Ya dig?

One of my Christian friends said she thinks God is hiding me from anyone whom I could get attached to until I'm 100% ready for it. At first, I was like..."Good looking out, God" then I was like..."Wait, whaaaa???" Truthfully, I don't know if I want to be hidden or seen. I'm not trying to marry anyone right now, I just want to go on a date that doesn't make me immediately find a tall building and jump. The one thing I do know is...I'm tired of trying to make fetch happen in every aspect of my life. Some things need to bloom like flowers...in its own season. Is it Spring yet?
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Don't Worry. Be Happy.

So hard to do that right.

Not to worry.

I am super stressed. It feels like I'm going to burst. All I can see is Bermuda before me.

Trying to make it. If it doesn't happen for whatever reason, idk what I would do. I'm so drained. I'm so tired. I can't even work properly.

This is NYC! No rest for the weary. Pray for me ya'll!
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GroundHog Day?

Last night I was told my grandmother was in the hospital. I wasn't told why. The person relaying the info wasn't so helpful. I just got a call late (11pm) and decided it was best to go in the morning. I kept tossing and turning thinking about how my granny was going to die.

Finally went to sleep at around 3. Woke up at 5, then 6, then 9 and 10. The hospital she was supposedly in is hella far. I had to take a train, then a bus, then walked for 7 blocks. Got lost for 30 minutes. Found it. The hospital was so far in and hidden by trees. Who does that? Only to find she was never admitted there. Wasted 2 hrs of my time to find that she was admitted in a hospital that is 10 mins away from my house. I was so annoyed.

Basically, my grandmother fell out of the bed. She's paranoid about walking because her knees are very arthritic and hurt her. She's showing signs of memory loss. In conversation, she asks things over and over and is disoriented abt where she is. I have to talk to her doctors.

Get this, every time my cousin or mom try and reach out to my grandma, she curses at them, is rude or totally ignores them. So, its up to me to care for her by myself! How the eff am I going to do that? O.o Clearly, I barely take care of myself properly...stress and drama. I'm literally all she has. *le sigh*

I text Jay asking what he was doing this weekend. He never text me back. This, after dozens of messages back and forth. What the fuck? Seriously. I have textual friendships that will never get past that. I don't need any more. Ugh!

Straight from the hospital, I went to church to work on the play I wrote. It was 9 when rehearsal was over. I was starving and decided to call/bbm/tweet/text to see who wanted to grab a bite. People either didn't pick up, respond or had just eaten.

I can operate in pain. I can operate tired or sleepy, angry or annoyed. I can not function hungry. Which is ironic because I usually eat one meal a day. Once my brain registers I'm hungry, I must eat or its a done deal.

to make matters worse, my wisdom teeth on my left side decide to hurt. My face starts swelling up on the left side. I have no pain killers in the house because I can't swallow pills.

Don't laugh at me...I usually keep Children's Motrin (liquid Ibuprofen) in the house just in case I have a pain that I can't shake. I'm all out. I called my mom. She gave me some type of pill and yelled at me for not being able to swallow it. I'm like, dude...this is nothing new. I chewed them and now I'm waiting for it to work. The pain has dulled. Hoping for sleep at this point. Today has been completely shitty.

I'm so overwhelmed.

P.S. I'm still hungry.
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The Love of Money + Princes and Frogs + Family Ties

Friday, I get a text from the girl I was going to do the photo shoot for on Saturday (the same one I'd been working for) saying she had 8 models confirmed for Saturday. I was under the impression, she would have 2 or 3 models in total. I flipped out. I really felt as if she were taking advantage.

I told her flat out that I was charging her 10% of what I usually charge and she need to hire another makeup artist. Period. That after Saturday, I was done. Do you know how much work doing 8 faces is for one person? She assured me she didn't think that all 8 models would show and that another mua confirmed for Saturday.

Yesterday, I woke up at 7am, hustled on over to Jersey City for the shoot. I've come to the conclusion that if my heart is not in it, I just shouldn't show up for shoots. It went well but it wasn't my A-game. She lied. There was no other mua. I did 5 girls + her. I was too through. Even after she handed me the money...it just wasn't worth it. I was mad at her but I'm even more upset with myself for allowing her to get over.
Oh wells, that story is done.

++++++
I have been on Plenty of Fish off and on for a few years now. I may log on about once a week, purely to amuse myself and then a few months will go by and I'm looking seriously. I'll talk to someone. If they don't pique my interest (which they rarely do) I keep it moving. I've been talking to this one guy Jay for a couple of weeks. We finally exchanged numbers. He's mad cool. College educated, well-spoken, funny, single, no kids, 6"3, big dude...my type. I'm looking forward to meeting him. Hopefully, I don't eff it up.

Funny, we were at the same club 2 weeks ago (the big girl club) and he said he was across the room from me. I didn't recognize him and he didn't recognize me. I asked him why didn't he try and talk to me. He claimed he was shy and I wasn't dancing. (Who goes to the club in 5 inch heels anyway? Umm, me.) Honestly, the heels wouldn't have bothered me if the DJ weren't so wacktastic. He remembered me because of cheetah tights, heels and headband. I wasn't dressed like any other girl in the place (win!)
++++++++
I debated all day whether or not I would call my grandma for Mother's Day. Everyone gets so shocked when I talk about her. She's not the type of grandma that bakes cookies and sends you money on your birthday.

My entire life I always felt like she didn't care and that people had to make her be a grandmother to me and my brother. If I don't call her, she doesn't call me. That's just the way it is.

Quick Recap: This is my biological mom's (who died when I was 3) mom. After my mom died, my grandma disappeared for 4 yrs. Communication was forced. When I was a teenager, me and my stepmom got into it a lot. I would confide in my grandmother and she would tell my stepmom before I could even get home. Yea, lots of animosity there.

I called her. She claimed she was happy to hear from me. She also said she doesn't have my number, which I've given her dozens of times. She says she hasn't been walking very well. She then goes in to ask me what I'm eating (she wanted dinner) and where I'm working (she wanted money.) Same old ish. I'm going to her house tomorrow. She said I'm the only family who she can depend on (sad) and she wants to go over her will with me. She said she's a lonely old lady. Part of me felt as though that's how I will be when I get older. Hopefully not. I plan on treating my kids better than that. In the meantime, I guess I can try and be a better grandaughter. We can't pick our family and such. *le sigh* I've got 24 years of shit to get off my chest and she's going to listen. Hmph!
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Breasts

I'd been eyeing some new bras from Fredrick's of Hollywood. I walked in and asked if they had my size 44DD. They said yes. I'd been plotting all week on a zebra print bra with purple lace trim. Today was the day! I go in and inquire if they have my size. They do. Win! Wait. She looked at me real hard and measured. Apparently, I'm a 44DDD or a 44F.

Whaaaaaaaaat!!!

For sure, I tried on a 42 (the biggest in the store) the cups fit perfectly but the sides were tight.

No cute bra for me.

*le sigh*
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Hard Beds

Miserable would be an understatement.

This job sucks. Standing all day for 8 hours and then for part of the hr and 30 min commute home has my legs aching so much at night that I can't sleep although I am exhausted. My back is a ball of hardness. I'm exhausted and grumpy...Trying to get soccer moms to buy hot pink eyeshadow has its own challenges as I have not sold one thing yet. I'll probably get fired soon. I just don't care anymore.

Oh yea and my intern put in her resignation letter today. Awesome! *sarcasm*

I am just SO ready for Bermuda. My sister keeps sending me notes about bringing my makeup kit with me so I can do makeup and make some money. She also wants me to stay there and build by my business....

I just want to sit on the beach for hours not saying anything and fantasize about getting lost at sea. I want quiet, peace, stillness.

Rise and Grind

I decided to get a job to help with expenses of London and Bermuda. I answered a makeup artist listing on Craigslist. Went on the interview...the girl loved me. Its a makeup cart position in a mall in NJ. She was only offering $8 an hour. I said yes although makeup artists make $15-$26/hr. I figured it would be good on my resume. Its a start-up and one person is financing it.

I went home and started thinking...the money I would be making would hardly cover the cost of transportation/food/my time.

I emailed her that I couldn't do it. She raised the hourly wage. She would also be paying me in cash. I accepted. This means...I'll be working on my feet every day from 10-6. I can work 7 days a week if I want. Then, I will go home to work on my business, the magazine, and blog for all the other people I guest-blog/contribute to. I don't mind as long as this takes me where I need to get to. Pray for me ya'll. No rest in my future.
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