I want to be tough on bullshit but soft at heart.
I want to be respected at work and taken seriously but known as being able to let my hair down.
I want to be in the ball scene but have a well-adjusted hetero relationship.
I want to be coy and send signals that "hey, great guy, DATE ME" but I'm not a slut.
Is this possible?
How?
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I know. I know.
it came out a little more desperate than I anticipated.
But, I decided to put what I wanted which is a decent man who wants a friendship with a woman who will put out if the chemistry is right.
Surprise! Surprise! Not a lot of e-mails. However, I thought one guy was cool. We e-mailed back and forth. He had personality. He was funny. So, I decided on a date. A movie. Casual. Relaxed.
Firstly, he told me he was 5ft9. I'm 5"1' and I decided on 2inch heels...I thought I saw him as he called me to tell me he was there. He lied and said it wasn't him. Then, he saw me and it was. I guess he wanted to see me in person, first. But then, he stands next to me and we're looking eye to eye. What?
I looked soo fly. One dude called me delicious. Lol. I just got a new 16inch weave. I had a little makeup on - just liquid eyeliner on my top lid and shimmery lip gloss. I had a bubble dress on that I cinched in the waist with a skinny belt. Hot.
We went to see the movie. Made small talk. We talked about the election. He said he hadn't been following it. He was a Republican. and he wasn't sure if he was going to vote or not. *blank stare*
Did I mention: he's 28.
He shouldn't vote. Asshole.
I wanted to leave but I really want to see the movie. Traitor with Don Cheadle.
He was trying to talk to me during the movie. He grabbed my hand and was digging his nails under mine. Weird. He said my hands were soft. He said things look like they come to me easily. I laughed like, I wish. His breath smelled like old people's breath, reminding me of moth balls or some shit.
After we left the movie, his phone kept going off. I told him he should just answer it. He said no. He was like I'm surprised your phone isn't going off.
I know you got like 6 dudes in the wings. What number am I?
Eh. I was like...don't go there.
He wanted to get something to eat. I wanted to run far away. I had my umbrella. It was a light rain but I spent too much on my 'do to eff it up. He said my umbrella was too small. He put his arm around me and told me to get under his. It was mad uncomfortable because I had to crouch down. After a block, I had to stand straight. As I'm pulling away, he tried to pull me to him to kiss him.
I was like, "What are you doing?"
He asked, "Oh, you're a good girl, you don't kiss on the first date?"
I nodded.
He kept asking me if I were hungry and I kept dodging the question. I said I was thirsty and tired. We went to Duane Reade (only thing open) and got juices and then decided to take the bus home.
Another half hour I told myself. He kept talking. I was half-listening, half-wishing the bus would go faster. He kept touching me. He was running his fingers up and down the tattoo on my spine. He kept touching my knee. He kept his arm around me. I thought my body language was enough for him to get the point. I was mad stiff. At one point, I was like...Can you stop touching me, please?
I was so skeeved out.
It was finally time for him to go. He wanted a hug. I gave him a half-pat. He looked me dead in the eye. I hope to see you again. I smiled.
He called me like 2x to make sure I was home, safely. I texted him that I was fine.
One other quirk: he kept saying, "Can you blame me? After every other sentence....ugh!
I had a funny thought as I got home. I said...at least I have something to blog about. And see..I do it for your entertainment. Can you blame me?
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I wanted to show how we fuck up our own shit by throwing ridiculous amounts of garbage around.
Gi braved it all the way from the Boogie Down to chill with us.
After asking vendor after vendor for the Bermudian flag to no avail, I decided to be Jafaican and speak with an almost-believable accent.
We got to Billy's house and he greeted us with rum punches and Papa John's.
Billy, of course, is gay. His friends, true to form, are ridiculously cute.
There was one in particular, who was trying to get with BOTH me and Gi.
Tim.
Oh lawd. My heart rate starts pumping thinking about him. Firstly, his skin is gorgeous. Lips are juicy....His smile is beautiful and his eyes are a grayish brown. I told him I didn't believe they were his and I poked him in the right eye.
He just laughed.
We were oddly familiar with each other for strangers who just met.
Funny, he's friends with Billy, who's gay and he's at home with a house full of gays. Hmmmm...
He said he's bisexual. He was sitting across from Gina who and next to the small as grown man who is a foot shorter than me and less than half my body weight. He's TINY and I'm 5ft tall. He had the nerve to say he was bisexual, too.
Dude! Firstly, he was my complexion with blue contacts. Not to mention, color contacts look a fool on ANY0NE. If you have a pair, throw them out AT ONCE!
Thanks....
But then, he offers to go to Gi's with the other guy...to make the night special.
I said, "My ass....my whole ass..."
That was bold.
As we were leaving, BisexualDude1 gave us a long lasting hug. It solidified in my mind....I need some "real" dudes in my life...but boy, if he didn't make a sista remember she was fine...
Now....I'm a thick girl. And...I know how to work my assets. And I believe in showing off the best parts of yourself. So, I have legs..breasts, and an ok waist. I didn't want to put myself out there too much. So, I kept it cute with a lil mini mini skirt and a cute shirt. The skirt is 14 inches long. Pull out your ruler and measure the length of your waist to your hips. The skirt just barely covered my ass.
But, it was Labor Day and I never wear scandalous shit and if chicks can walk around in bikinis with feathers and beads...eff it.
I heard so many catcalls...
Here are the best ones:
You wore that just for me.
You need a roommate (---errrp)
Ay, Empress, come 'ere tick gal
Girl, you look healthier than a motha---. I'd eat it up and beat it up all night.
The last one had me thinking......
And the first thought was...really? Let's go right now. Because not for nothing, the last 2 guys that said they could do all this shit to me...1 was so small, I wanted to cry and the other was done in 3 pumps....so spare me....
He just kept going on and on. I wasn't even mad, I laughed in his face.
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I really needed a long weekend away from work. I feel like my nose is flat because its been held to the grindstone.
So...it was kind of run of the mill. I had to work 4 hours on Saturday. Twin owed me $100. He won his category in the ball last week and he got paid in $50 V.isa giftc.ards. So he gave me one. I took that with me to the grocery store knowing that ReluctantRoomie had left some money on the table for me.
(I haven't blogged about RR but basically: he's 19 yrs old. He's gay from Rochester. He's out here for school and he had no where to stay when school was over. He'd just landed a job. He said he could save for a month and be out. So, I said he could stay with me. Knowing how hard it is to live in NYC, I knew he would need longer than a month. I told him the 1st month would be free. After that, his contribution would be $100. His first month was over 08/15...the day of his first meaty paycheck. Yet, nothing was left for me. We had a talk. He promised he would have something for me this week. I call him RR because I don't want him living with me.)
So.....
I get up to the cash register. My items total to $54. I take off 1 thing. $49.62. I tell the cashier I have a credit card. She says she needs to see I.D. Its not in my wallet....which is another story altogether. I say I don't have it. She starts shaking her head 'no.' I try to explain. She's not hearing it. I use my debit card. It gets declined. There's a line forming behind me. The bagboy looks pissed. She calls the manager. I feel like the entire store is looking at me.
Shit.
I show her the giftcard. She goes "ooooooh." I go, "That's what I was trying to tell you."
I swipe.
Declined.
Also...let me interject that their system is old. It takes a good 3 minutes of waiting before it authorizes or declines.
Agony.
I step to the side. The manager says, "Ay mami. No money?"
I give him a nasty look. I'm pissed.
I call my bank first. My balance is $41.XX.
I call Twin. He said he used his fine. He advises me to call the number on the back of the card.
Stupid V.isa takes a maintenance fee. So, the card was no $50. It was $47.50. I wanted to cuss someone.
I had to wait for the cashier to take care of the line. I took off 2 items...$46.75.
I swipe.
Authorized.
Thank Goodness!
My cheeks were burning. My neck was tingling. It was horrible.
I hail a cab with all of my bags. The fuckin cab driver saw me struggling. He didn't have the decency to help me.
He gets me to where I'm going, 5 blocks away. Charges me $7. Turns around. Starts smiling in my face.
"You cooking tonight, sweetheart?"
Straight-face.
"Give me my change."
I struggle to get my bags out of his car.
He drives off.
My neighbor who is like 70 yrs old hears me call him an asshole.
"Ok, Nina-darling," she said in her thick Carribean accent. She chuckled...
To be continued...
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