Friday Nights are for...

I was dying at work. My boss caught me a few too many times on gchat, reading blogs, goofing off...and gave me a heap of work to do. My hands are all papercut up and I'm not feeling it at all.

It was Gi's Bday Celebration drinks at a local bar. I went and had a Malibu and Pineapple. After that, it was Shirley Temples... I wasn't trying to be drunk because 1. I never get drunk. 2. Doesn't jibe with my spirituality, 3. Drinks are $10-13 a pop and 4. I have an aversion to drinking water. Consuming alcohol drives you straight to a well...ick! Lol

I left and went to another birthday celebration for my gay neice (don't ask) and my ex roomie. I laughed and laughed. I found out 2 of my friends are HIV+. That brings the total to 8 close people to me. The thought of it is just soooo...it makes you angry because you're like "Why weren't you safe, you idiot!" Then you're like, "Ok, its not the end of the world. You're not dead." And you want to grab 'em and hold 'em and go through it with them. I'm just thinking I need to get tested. Colored women are the #1 carrier of the disease, last I checked. The last time I got tested, it was a year ago. Its time.

I'm exhausted.

My night was a lot more fun. That's the last thing we talked about and so its on my mind. I haven't forgotten to post my militant poetry. Soon come...
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Fruits of the Spirit

BFF and I had a talk last night. I was really feeling some type of way toward her and hadn't spoken to her in 2 weeks. I really just needed to hear her voice and get over what was troubling me. It was so inconsequential compared to the decade of friendship we share. Anyway....she asked me how I was doing. I told her about me going to church last week.

She was shocked to say the least. She was like, "You used to flinch when you heard the name 'Jesus' and you went to church? Praise God! I know it was because you were hurt. God is good."

We talked further and she told me about her sacrifice for lent: no facebook, myspace, tv, internet-surfing, blogs, alcohol or bread.

Whoa.

We talked about church and the difference between when we were 17 and now. She talked about her walk with God and its funny how we're both going in the same direction, although she's further than me, I think.

I told her that I think we have similar problems. BFF, by nature, is very extreme - she's all or nothing, like for real. If she's in church, she's in nothing but. If she's not, she's committing all the sins..lol(I kid..she's not killing or stealing, practicing beastiality or homosexuality..but you get what I mean...). That was kinda my impression. The more I grow, the more I realize the true nature of deception.

The church I went to growing up was very surface. The outer man looked very catechised in the wisdom of the doctrine. The inner man was still very much unscathed. Everyone wore their sanctity on their sleeve.

So, I grew up thinking to be godly, I had to have the skirts to the ankle and shout and dance when I was really just praying to get out of my heels.

I ran into BFF on our way to work one day and she was like...you're glamorous at 8 o'clock in the morning. Ugh! I can't stand you. I don't know what the conventional thoughts of glamour surround, but I wasn't trying. I will say that if I subscribed to the doctrine of some churches that say you can't have a perm, wear make-up, only opaque stockings..I would be miserable. I am quite aware that the image you project affects the people around you and while I could have God in my heart and I wear a mini skirt with 5 inch heels, God will not be the first thing a man sees in me when he looks at me. But, Liz and I were talking last week and a point came up that man has used the Bible to enslave people, genders, and pretty much whatever people have wanted it to mean. It is a lie. Love of Christ is about freedom from sin and redemption from the dark and ugly things we do.

I suppose, there will be a lot more posts like this in the future with me just thinking and meditating. I'm re-reading parts of the Bible because I really want to change from the inside out. My outer-man is ok but my inner-man was dying and it was spilling out all over this blog.

This morning, I read Galatians 5 with the fruits of the flesh and the fruits of the spirit. Give it a gander. Lol. Actually, BFF read it to me at midnight and I was half-sleep. I woke up really wanting to read it again.

16 So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. 17 For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. 18 But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law. 19 The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery 20 Idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions 21 And envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. 22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness 23 Gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. 24 Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. (NIV) —Galatians 5:16-23

I'm definitely a work in progress....just dealing with my fits of rage alone...lol
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so...

I apologize for the last post...Yes, it was everywhere...but, you know..it's reality...Hopefully, this post doesn't seem like that! (lol)

I feel bad that I forgot to bring with me, my books of poetry from when I was a lil militant-minded. After reading Mr.Socialight's post...I felt compelled to give you something....(also posted on fb, if it seemse familiar)

i fear the sound of
my own voice
as it swims in my head
beating down on my heart
washing itself on my brain
and as it spills from my lips onto this page
i fear even more

not truly being heard.

sometimes..

you just gotta laugh at life....

i made a sale today for $1000.
i thought..great, i can chill for the rest of the day, which i proceeded to do.
1 hr 1/2 later, close to the end of my short shift...the person called back to cancel.

i was hurt.

i was venting to liz.
i was playing scrabble online. the person played a word for like 60 points.

upset.

i was stretching my leg..i woke up this morning and my right thigh hurts.

i kicked off my computer.

i wore a sweaterdress because at job #1, i sit right under a vent and am shivering all day. at job #2 , they decided to put the heat on...even though its 50 degrees outside. i was sweating...

i was like...lord help me laugh at this...cause i want to cuss.

i went for a little stroll, i saw some promotional t-shirts and kindly helped myself to one. it was one of my good friend's birthdays today..she was really touched at the gift i got her - i try to give from the heart. she felt loved...

i looked at myself...thank GOD i put on leggings (i was too lazy to look for my stockings..) and i laughed.

i'm breaking one of my cardinal rules...leggings are not pants. sat, my wig cocked to the side looking crazy for sure..and decided to put on some make-up. yes, at 9pm..because...sometimes...you just gotta...

put it all in stride...

lol

Superior GChat Moments Today!


me: soooooooooooo yw!
yw: what's up
me: nuttin
lol
just wanna bother u
yw: lol
idle
lol
me: me 2!
so yes...
yw: yeah, i was talking about you
lol
me: oh
lmao
smh
yw: lmao

me and liz

me: the last concert i went to was prince...(dont laugh)
Liz: i actually think Jill scott was the last
me: and i still had an afro
Liz: I HEART PRINCE
me: that was how long it was..
Liz: i am jealous
me: i like prince
there were some die hard fans there
and i was a bit scared
lol
it was a free concert in bryant park, nyc..it started at like 7am..me n alicia, bff, were there at like 3am
Liz: lol
true
i would have been there too
cuz i loves me some prince
with his little self
me: haha!
women were like..i'd do him
i was like..clearly..the sexuality is ambiguous
what about that is sexy to you?
Liz: lol
i dunno
me: lol
Liz: he has the je ne sais quoi
me: oh, liz!

Liz: he just is dammit
me: don't tell me...
i cant even type it...
Liz: listen... he could get it with his high-heeled boots
lol
and everything
me: omg!
Liz: i think you have to be over 25 to understand
lol
me: he wears clear heels!
Liz: purple rain
me: don't try to pull age on me!
Liz: yes and he press n curls be better than mine
me: i saw the movie...and i love the song
Liz: he looks like he has all types of cotraptions in his house
lol

me: i think we hit a milestone in our friendship..i dont think we can fo back from this
yes...i remember darling nikki
hmmmmmmmmmm.....
Liz: lol
you still love me dammit
me: *go back
of course
all love and jokes
Liz: you're not even curious?
me: i think i would giggleonce i saw his lil chest
Liz: lol @ lil chest
i would giggle
but he would probably have your ass in check
me: wow...you've given it thought
Liz: he just look like he would be like shut up bitch
lol
me: oohhh
i would have to see how he kisses
if he cant kiss
game over
and he would have to have "pussy control"
Liz: uhm he has a song but that title
you do know this right
me: that's why i put itin quotes
Liz: *by not but
me: *it in
Liz: lol
ok
i thought so but had to make sure...
me: have a lil faith in me....
Liz: you know small people are angry
lol
i think he is probably a beast in bed
lol
me: omg..i have to stop bursting out in spontaneous laughter
sadly, we would never know
you just know how some men are like...pillow princesses
like...do everything for me bc i'm sooo fine
Liz: hahahaaa
true
but he seems more freaky then prissy to me...
me: not prissy, i meant lazy...
Liz: yeah that would be wack
however in my prince world he is not like that
lol
the world in my head

me: does he have chest hair
??
in your prince world
Liz: yeah
but i don't think it's taco-meat-ish
lol
me: ewww
does he perm it too
lol
Liz: lol
no!
you stop disrespecting my prince dammit
me: i apologize
i sorry i sorry
hehe
you laughed though
Liz: how would you like it if i was talking about common letting erykah do homo things to him?
you wouldn't
lol
i did laugh
but it's ruining my image of him a sexual elite
me: oh my gawwwd!
that's just wrong
how can you even equate common and prince?
Liz: LOL
cuz
me: you cant
Liz: i can and did!
ha!
me: doesnt make it right
Liz: lol
me: lol
Liz: end jutifies the means
me: besides, common....his sexuality is not ambiguous
Liz: it was when he was wearing knit pants and shyt
me: i think i could see rick james being a lil...eh
Liz: erykah had him out there
me: she did
which proves that his sexuality was in tact
he did it for his woman
Liz: rick james has definitley tasted a wang in his day
with his glitter lip gloss
lol
me: omg!!!!
"tasted a wang"
i'm done!
Liz: i'm saying
lol
me: i lost all concentration
Liz: haha

I Will NOT Lose!

(This is not a post trying to fish for compliments or sympathy. I need to vent...)

I haven't competed in the balls that I do for about 6 months.

It has a lot to do with money...the make-up, the heels, the clothes, its really involved and I just haven't had it to compete.


More than that (and this is going to sound really arrogant...I apologize in advance...), in my arena - big girls beauty - I've beaten everyone.
I've had 0 competitive edge.
I've been feeling like...what's the point. Its like playing the Knicks over and over again.

I was really upset I didn't get to go to DC this weekend to compete, as quiet as its kept. Someone didn't come through for me as they promised - like didn't come through in every way possible. I let it roll off my back because you can't hold grudges, but I will remember to not rely on that person in the future

Anywhosies, there's a ball on the 21st of March. I'm really excited I want to compete. Everyone is making a big deal of it because evidently, some other girl has taken my place and now I have to reclaim my throne.

*gasp*

*insert anxiety attack*

*hold*

*release*

I have to come stronger and different than I have been. Twin wants to edge me up. He wants me to do a whole production, make an entrance and I'm ok with it.

Right?

Right.

So...last night, I decided to take new pics with this new hair I bought on Friday. F.acebook and M.yspace must be updated! I say that only half facetiously.

Anywhosies...I'm taking pictures and I'm critiquing everything about myself. Suddenly, my chin is too big, my skin is not smooth enough...is that a wrinkle? Look at those bags under your eyes! You need sleep! You need water! You look sooo tired.


Notice, I did not plant the seed that I was going to lose. I don't like the fruit it bears. It just means I have to work harder.

I just went to sleep or tried to. I tossed and turned. Why do I even compete? I hate people staring at me. I hate being center of attention. It unnerves me. Because I'm a doofus. I compete because I win. Point blank. I win trophies. I win money. I win respect, recognition, status, and sometimes...intimidation. Haha!

I woke up this morning, still seeing the same things I saw. I scrubbed my face with some minty cleanser which led to me poking myself in the eye with cleanser on my finger. It was great! Told you I was a doofus. Lol

Ahhh...I don't know where I was going with this...I guess everything will be fine. I keep trying to tell myself win or lose, blah blah blah...

But no, eff dat..I WILL NOT LOSE! If in the event I do, I'll make sure I have my finger ready, complete with the minty cleanser on it...just in case. Lmao

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Expectations

She read my entire college essay out loud for the class. I sat cringing in my seat, my face flushed, if not red. When she was done, she looked me square in the face.

"Nina Lastname, you can write, child. If your essay doesn't sound like this, I suggest you start over again."

It was the first time anyone publicly acknowledged my talent like that. This teacher made seniors of one of the toughest high schools in NY cower in fear.

"I will fail you on your final transcript for the college of your choice," her voice would echo into your heart as it beat in fear. BFF did not sleep in order to complete assignments. She was the only senior that ran to school, books on her back, looking like a freshman.

I smiled. I knew I had it in the bag. This teacher would tear your world apart if she had any inkling that you gave her any less than 110% to your work. She would rain random praise on you if she knew you did something well.

In a character essay, another student depicted her as an ogre. She gave her an A, stating it was vivid, imaginative, and well-constructed.

After, I read my poem at graduation, she looked me dead in the eyes. "Ms. XXX, I gave you a 93 in my class. You didn't even try. You will do great things if you leave Mr. Murren alone. You're too good for him. I look forward to your first book. I expect it to be dedicated to me, of course."

6 years later, Mr. Murren and I were engaged twice. The final straw came time and time again. There were other Murrens, 2 years in a school, I will be paying off for the next 10 yrs, no degree and no book. I don't even try to write properly in this space. My mind is so fried from day to day, I haven't written in 2009 yet.

She will be honored in 2 weeks at the school she taught at for 30 years and would love to see me.

Need I say more?
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