continued

the last time i went to bermuda, i needed my birth certificate and id..i now need a passport.

$160 for the passport + expedited processing

$380 for the ticket to go...

i still haven't heard my sister's voice except for what's on her voicemail. how silly is it that i found her on facebook today. i feel disgusted that it has taken this for me to reach out to her. to them, my forgotten family across the ocean.

i just want to know for sure, it will be ok.

trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not to your own understanding....

i'm trying.

badnews

my oldest sister is dying.

the same disease that my dad had: kidney disease.

i have no words...i'm just....

numb.

it all falls down

should change my name to ground
the way i let you walk all over me
and when does tired street
intersect with sick blvd
leading down avenues
and attitudes of

not giving a shit anymore

i am banging at the door of your heart
begging for you to

listen Listen LISTEN

to me.

i am standing on the brink of hope and indifference
i am drowning in this
abyss of loneliness
begging for you to be there.

and i am seeing you
in the glare of flourescent light

making each flaw
each break
each tear
each lie
each puzzle piece

fall at my feet...

an i am finally strong enough

to walk away.

11/16/2007

random poem#2

i wish i could give you
keys to my dreamland
fall asleep
and find you
there
waiting
for me under the covers of our subconscious
laying next to you
i close my eyes
and truly close my eyes
knowing i am safe.

2/24/07

untitled

(i also found a whole book of poems dedicated to afroman)

(i wrote this when we first got together but didnt really call it a relationship...this was after YEARS of flirting and college and just circumstances keeping us apart)

you are like fresh air
I inhale you into drowning lungs

you revive me. entice me. tease me.
into paradise unknown

circle.s.
we run. we walk. we crawl.
cyclical.
cynical. am i?
really falling
in love
with you?

this platonic romance.
this untitled mastperpiece.
of bliss.
of analysis.

of thoughts that
cannot form.
words that have not been created.
of emotions that entangle and attach
themselves to you.
and to me.

do not let me thnk with my heart
do not allow fantasies to fill my head
with its
do not let me play the fool
for wondrous love.

it's too late
the shadows have taken form
there is no black or white

just the gray area

where we live.
written 12/08/2006

Open Your Eyes

(I promised militant poetry...)

I wanna write a poem that stimulates minds
that goes with the times
cause i'm a plastic spoon
trying to be a silver knife
to cut thru red tape
& show active hate
& how we still have
a
kkk, cia, and an fbi
but, damn, has anyone seen
the
bla, bpp, or the young lords**

and we support presidents & call them
black to
glorify their erections
and how about those texans, promotin mass misconceptions
whio give tax cuts to the rich and famous
some die with a name. we gone die nameless...
like our ancestors
when in amerikkka, the only trickle down theory is
slavery


so yea,
i wanna write a poem that doesnt look too kind
on having a black body
white mind
cause i wanna trace my roots
to teach the youth
but our chapter ends @ the middle passage

my people, we sitting here laughin..
cause we point 1 finger
but 3 are staring back at us
do we still believe in God we trust?
when we're faithless
faceless to this system
willie lynch predictions
still livin

our complaceny is a great mystery to me
{[parts indecipherable]
i wrote this poem to stimulate minds
so wake up my sleeping warriors
smell the roses
open your eyes!

**written in 2005
**BLA- Black Liberation Army, BPP - Black Panther Party

Weekend ReCap

Friday night was hilarious...STD's aside...it was the first time debuting Betty (my wig) and they all loved it. Lol

Saturday...I hung out with Twin getting my stuff together for this ball...I'm excited and stuff but there's a weird collection of bumps on my cheek, chin, and neck. Either its my eczema flaring up or an allergic reaction. Hopefully, it clears up...I'm supressing a freak out. Twin and BFF are the only ones that call me out on my crap so hanging out with him was hilarious and educational in a way that only a gay man can make it so. We went to Canal St which is rewarding and infuriating. I picked up some spring essentials - huge sunglasses that cover half my face! Lol. Got home and I watched some movie...I forget and went to sleep.

Sunday...went to the 9am service and saw some faces I WANTED to see. Realized kids I used to see running around are now 17 year old,5"8, 185 pound football players and are taller than me - yes, all of them...ummm...yea. Lol


Got home. Drained. BFF slept on my couch for 2 hours before changing my lightbulbs for me. One more and I would've been completely in the dark :-)

Funny!
BFF were driving us to her house after church, before we got to mine. This car pulled up next to us. These two guys were in the car. They were insisting she roll down the window.

Both of the dudes were fiiiiiine.

BFF was like..."Oh Jesus," to me.

She rolled down the window.


"Where you going?" she asked. (Side note: BFF is country and is very nice.)
"Church," he smiled - oh his smile!!


"Praise God!" she rolled up the window and sped off.

"Nina, that was nothing but the Devil sending caramel chocolate boys our way. He had the nerve to have a friend!"

"BFF, I thought that was God providing..."

"Oh girl, shush..."

"He was fiine though. Too bad I'm dating ugly boys from now on!"

Lmao.

BFF put me on to some cool new Gospel music. Gotta do a post about it soon.

BFF came over later and cooked after going home. Who makes spicy spaghetti. Idk. We watched Watchmen on bootleg. Pretty good. Went to sleep and became the hamster on the wheel again.

Weekends are never long enough!

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