Fistful of Tears

I am in a foul mood for shame today.



As I was lugging my make-up case home after a looong day. I thought about it...this period of my life, from January until now has been the most difficult for me. Every other day, I contemplate whether or not I should loose myself to the sea (Kate Chopin, "The Awakening" -style)

In all of my post-toddler years, I haven't cried so much. I haven't felt doubt, fear, terror as much as I have these days.

I feel like crap on a stick.

Sometimes, I just don't know.
I talk about loneliness more because I thought it was something I could control..my love life...more than my professional life.

I can't control either.

I just eat it. I eat everything I feel because geez...all of my friends are going through their own crap. I tried to talk to my mom. She asked me why I don't.

SO, I told her I was having dreams of being stabbed in my apartment over and over. I haven't fallen asleep before 2/3am no matter how tired I am since I got laid off. I told her I felt like I couldn't talk to anyone but God.

She looked at me. She got all scared and was like...you hold your mace in your hand when you come home right? I wasn't sure what other response I was expecting.

I told her that I want to live off of my make-up artistry.

The first words out of her mouth were, "You can't make it."

I looked like she slapped me across the face.

She was like.."I don't mean that! You just got to know what looks good on people of different skin tones."

I told her I do.

"Tell me what do you know about skin?"

I felt attacked. It was like high school all over again.

I feel like I am trying to move mountains. I'm trying to fight against the current so hard. I'm trying..struggling...struggling....

Today, I had a photo shoot. It was literally, from 10am to 4pm. I thought I was going to be paid $200. I was paid $70. It was like....whoa.......I was able to pay the bills I needed to pay but I still have people I owe. Tomorrow, I'm going to wake up as early as I can to go and apply for food stamps.

Hope that since I don't make $7 an hour, I won't be denied. If you speak while looking in my fridge...there is a definite echo.

Sometimes, I just want a friend to take me to get drinks. I want to look them in the eye and tell them everything that's going on. I don't want them to tell me its okay. I don't want them to figure out a solution. I just want them to listen. Look me in the eyes back and be sincere. I don't want anything from anyone except to be there for me.

BFF, I know she's going through a lot. She has called me and has talked to me for literally 3 hours about herself. She is in Louisiana til tomorrow and I know I shouldn't feel this way but it felt like a much needed break from her. That extra burden is gone. She text(ed) me. She was like..."Thank you. You are always there for me. I love you." It was nice.

I know why God hasn't placed a person in my life. I can't even handle some of my friendships right now. Iknow I can't handle a relationship.

I just know that I am going through something extremely profound. I know that once I get through it, whatever is on the other side will be worth all the stress and the tears I'm shedding today. Even the disciples flaked on Jesus. I guess, what else could I expect....

No comments, guys..I just want to vent.

Today was a Good Day.

So was yesterday.

And good days are like dandelions floating in the sky. When you find one, you hold to them and make a wish.

:)
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Train Wreck + It Takes a Village to Keep a Friend

I need to get it together.

I told Gi at work today that I was depressed. She asked my why?

I was dumb-founded. Does she not understand what the eff is going on in my life?

Or maybe she's just not paying attention.

I wanted to end my friendship with her right there because its like.....come on! It really is common sense.

Earlier today, around 3, I wrote a rambling post about how no one listens to me and no one lends me their ear completely. I saved it as a draft because I didn't think it was that serious.

YW said people don't understand why other people are sad if they are happy. It kinda makes sense but I think its selfish. Any fool can see why this period in my life is difficult.

Gi doesn't know me. Nope, not at all.


This is the worst summer of my life so far. I'm really just happy to have life.

At work, BFF called me. She was lonely. It was 6:30 and her bff since elementary school hadn't called or seen her today. Really, what kind of mess is that? Your best friend of 18 years or something crazy like that just had a life-altering experience and you don't call or text her all day! And its your day off. I told her..."Its okay BFF. You know who to rely on. That heffa just took your place of who I was going to push down the stairs this week. When it is time for you to have a child...I better be godmama. Shooot!" She cracked up so hard. I was happy to have made her smile.

Twin called me later on to tell me how his day went. We were talking as I was tinkering with the other blog. He said, "Nina, how are you really? You sound like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders."

Even though he's gay and he probably would punch me in the face...I could've kissed him on the lips.
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Tuesday at 8 AM

BFF called me last night, her heart in turmoil. Would she or wouldn't she? She wasn't sure. I didn't want to make the decision for her or for her to make the wrong one.

The writing was on the wall.

A mistake is only a mistake if you make it once. It was a mistake for her to love him. It was wrong for her to continue to sleep with him after she knew he had a woman at home. He would never be hers.

I don't borrow money. I hate to give it back. I don't understand how anyone could borrow a man.

She said he couldn't go inside with her. He's a cop and he had his gun and knife on him.

Who the EFF brings a gun and a knife to an abortion clinic?

She was there, waiting alone for a bit. I was nervous. Not sure if she would change her mind. Not sure if he would change it for her. Not sure if she were scared, sad...she said there were so many women there. Waiting. I think she felt some comfort in that.

She text me.
Everything is fine. I'm a bit loopy.

I came to her house as quickly as I could.

"He's here," she said as she met me at the door.

He greeted me. "Don't speak to me," I said...the disgust dripping from each word.

The rage built up inside of me and I wanted to pummel him with my fists. I wanted to say the things I knew she never would.

It wasn't my place.

I watched her with him. How she smiled at him. How she batted her eyes. She laughed at his jokes.

She still loves him. She will stay with him. Probably.

I wanted to slap her. Slap sense into her. Slap esteem. Slap outrage. Slap the knowledge that she could walk away. She doesn't have to settle. Still, they talked about nothing. Talked about ....nothing.

And so, I got up. He avoided my eyes. I did her dishes. I straightened up her kitchen. I gave her the tightest hug I could muster. I felt her ribs poking me.

"I love you more than anything else," I said.

"Don't you forget it," she responded.

I promised her ice cream after work.

"You have no money. I know. I can tell," she said.

"Butter pecan and vanilla. I'll see you soon." All I can offer her is ice cream, a shoulder, an ear. All I can be is a friend.

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Sunday

Was such an interesting day....

I was really discouraged. My mood was so contrary. I pushed myself to go to church. I saw this girl who I saw on Monday. She copied my make-up look and she did it wrong. And yes, I have a make-up blog where I show you how to achieve my make-up looks but that's different from blatantly copying my look and then looking me in the face and not acknowledging that you swagger-jacked me...I was annoyed. Chick didn't even speak! Ugh!

So....I was forcing myself to break out of my funk. Get out of my rude mood. Whatever. Whatever.

The minister's message was about moving forward. He was like...

"Some of you...its a hard time in your life right now. Its a hard time to follow Jesus. You have a choice: to go backwards to where you came from or go to the cross. We get discouraged and run to sex, run to weed, run to liquor, run to drugs. God wants us to run to him."

That really comforted me because I am really trying not to slap someone down.

That was the moment I decided to take a Me-Day. Call out of life for the rest of the evening. Why not? I deserved it!
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A Man Will Try

Sunday afternoon, I get a text from KappaGuy.

KG:So bored with this rain...lol. Wat r u doing today??
Me:In bed. A rare day of relaxation. KG:Lol, me too...im wasting the day away watching tv...lol.

-fluff fluff fluff-

KG: And oh yeah...I don't appreciate u exposing the womanizer song on facebook...u better stop before I come over and harass you...lol (I call him what he is...Womanizer by Britney Spears)

Me: I'm not afraid of the likes of you

KG: Lmao...im only 3 blocks away you know...you'll get a spanking...lol.

Me:Uhhh no! You don't get those priviledges.

KG:Lol...damn...not even if I promise to lick whip cream of of it first??? Lol.

Me: I'm sure you have plenty of umm...contestants for that game show.

KG: Lmao...no I don't...u always say that but it's not true...smh.

Me: Say what you want...I know the deal...lol

KG: Lol, I give up...you kill my hopes and dreams...all of my high school fatacies gone to waste... :(

(Dude: FANTASIES???)

Me: You could always put a ring on it, lol.

KG: Lol, stop lying...u kno u don't want me too...smh.

Me:You're a good catch if you would allow yourself to be caught. But you don't want to hear that from me

KG: Lol...and im caught by seduction...u know how I am...lol

Me: There you go. End of this conversation. Just that quickly..tisk tisk

KG: Lmao...I was telling u that's wat normaly happens to me, it's the truth...lol. So wat r u doing?? Im watching The Incredibles on the disney channel...super bored

(I have a problem with people telling me they're bored...read a damn book!)

Me: Seduction is lust and it doesn't last. Perhaps you should try something else. But what do I know? I'm siiiiiingle...lol. Wanna go for a walk?

KG: Where to??

Me: Wherever we end up, lol...let's have a real conversation and let our feet do the walking...lol.

KG: Ok kool...im doing my laundry right now tho...hopefully I won't take too long...ill call u up if it's not too late....

Me: I need to throw something on anyway

(This was at 5:45pm)

At 7:15, I sent a text saying I was dressed.

At 7:45, I called him.

At 7:58:
KG:My bad I had to head downtown for a minute, im gonna call u right back

Me:No...no worries...its getting cold. I think I'm in for the night.

And then I turned my phone off.
I.am.so.DONE.
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Culmination of a Rough Week

The phone's vibration under my leg woke me up.

"Blair," the caller ID announced. I looked at the clock. "8:55 AM"

I answered, the frog in my throat unmistakable.

"Hello," I wondered what he wanted. Had I been awake, I probably could have guessed.

"Nina," my name rolled off his tongue in his usual seductive tone. I saw him in my mind. Tall, dark, bald, full lips, strong arms, back, smooth skin, beautiful smile. I blinked.

"Yes, Blair...what's wrong?" I still didn't get it.

"I just woke up. I'm horny. Can you come over?"

"What? No, I actually have to get up and ready for church."

"Can you see me before church?"

"Are you serious?" I laughed. Clearly, I am NOT smooth before 10am.

"No, I'm sorry. I can't. I'll talk to you later, Blair."

"I miss you."

I laughed and hung up.

I ended up being more rude than I'd intended.

I just realized I only put lotion on my face. Which means I'm on my way to church with ashy arms and feet....Thank God I chose to wear pants today.

Maybe,I was distracted.
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