Love is not Blind

I was at BFF's house for baby shower planning.She was supposed to be home at 9pm. We called her at 9. At 9:20, we called.  She said she'd be there in 20 minutes. At 11pm, me and Toni Childs left her house because we were both pissed she wasn't home yet.

We knew where she was...with Punjabi.

Y'know...I don't care where she was. She could've been with Barack Obama but she ignored our phone calls and didn't have the courtesy to call or text letting us know she was delayed or just not coming.

Wtf?!

I was telling Twin earlier that I wanted to set up a college fund for her kid as a baby shower gift. He said something like...."Wow, that's a commitment for someon I don't see you being friends with down the road. Get her a case of pampers and call it a day."

Many have said they don't see us being friends in a few years because they know me and half the foolishness I put up with with her...I just don't allow that to fly with mostly anyone.

I'm upset. Especially because yesterday we had dinner and she cried on and on about how much of a dick Punjabi is. She doesn't think he'll truly be there for her in the delivery room, when the baby comes. He asked her if he could do invitro with his "ex" who still lives in his house..And yet:

A. You ditch your friends for him
B. You still want to be with him

I just want to know if fireworks come out his penis. It is so simple as a text message. "Don't wait up."

Smdh

Seams

I'm falling apart at the seams right now.

I should've known it was coming. This morning while cleaning the house, I was watching my favorite movie, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and although I've watched that movie 50-11 times...I started crying during the emotional parts.

One tear tho...cuz...I'm a thug.

I knew I had tons to do...I wanted to do laundry, get my nails re-painted and eat something before my 2pm driving lesson. After my driving lesson, I would meet up with my client whose wedding I'm doing tomorrow to pick up her deposit/payment and then I had a 5pm date with DK.

No room in there to really breathe.

At 1:30 as I was getting dressed, the school called and said that the car they use broke down and we'd need to reschedule. Fine. I took my time and ended up at my client's house at 3pm instead of 3:30. I fantasized about jumping in the sprinklers as I walked through the projects, breaking my neck to get to DK on time.

Being late causes anxiety within me.

I got to his job right at 5. 45 minutes later, we meet up because his boss handed him a project to do right as he was packing up to leave.

I was disappointed and stressed and hormonal. I'm sure the crying spell earlier was because my period is due on the 13th.

My period is always irregular so it might show up tomorrow. Who knows?! 

Anywhosies, I was feeling all these emotions on top of dealing with all the other stuff going on. Yesterday, I saw my friend Jen in the hospital. She's on life support. There were tubes for every vital function. A tube down her throat to help her breathe, one for urine, another for feces. She had a bag for fluids and another for feeding. It was sooooo overwhelming. The last time I'd seen her, she was cracking jokes and talking about Rebie Jackson's "Centipede" video.

My aunt's funeral was today. There's just so much sadness around. I don't have any proper coping mechanisms in place. (I figured that out tonight.)

Sooooo....DK and I are on our date and I'm being quiet (per usual) and he is talking and talking (per usual)  and he turns to me and says... "Talk to me. You never talk. I thought I was quiet but you're mute."

He is right. I took it as criticism when it was really not but I did. With my hormones acting up, I almost cried. I kept goading myself to say something...anything. but everytime I started a story, he'd interject and then I'd get discouraged and go mute.

I told him about my friend on life support and death and then I just felt like I was being a Debbie Downer. He said.."Should I be careful around you? It seems like a lot of people in your life are sick or passing away." He was kidding but that's exactly what I knew he would say.

Ay caramba! 

We parted ways and were dangerously close to Times Square so I walked to Forever 21. I bought a cute skirt and tons of accessories, spending half of the money I earned from the wedding i'm going to do tomorrow.

I ended up at Duane Reade buying some essentials...but spending a little too much.

Even still, I didn't feel better.

"I need a drink," I text(ed) BFF.
"Me too," she text back.

I felt like there was so much pressure on my head...all these thoughts and emotions and I felt like everything was conspiring against me.

As I sat on the train, it kind of hit me...I was feeling a little insecure around DK.  I don't like having an audience. I feel like I'm going to do something stupid or say something stupid. I just don't know...but yes, like I said earlier..I need better coping mechanisms-  either working out or I don't know. 

I need to snap out of it-  whatever IT is. Part of me feels like I owe DK an apology or something.

Damn not being knocked up!

Thankful

This time last year, if all these things would've happened, I would be on the floor sobbing somewhere but now all I feel is gratitude.

I'm thankful God has blessed me with a skill that I can make money from when it gets thick or rather when my pockets are otherwise thin.

I don't have a fridge but I have running water.

I'm refusing to turn on my A/C because my light bill last year was RIDIC!  I have a working fan.

Sure Rocky is noone's guard dog but his little face makes me smile.

Its going to get better!

I thought about the boy today and he called just as I was saying...man! How are we gonna make it? We're both so busy! (He has 2 jobs, working on a 3rd. I have a job, a hustle and drama unfolding) He called me and he said..."I feel so bad we haven't spoken all day. I said to myself I had to call this girl." Where did he come from? We were both so tired and then after 5 minutes I had to rush him off the phone and then he wasn't available when I was available. Grrrrrrr. On Monday, we scheduled a date for Friday. How wacktastic is that? I probably wont be able to see him until next Wednesday.  I grumble but its great. Everytime we see each other its like...ohhh hello! No one is jumping into bed. Its all so civilized.

My vagina hurt after going to lamaze class with BFF on Tuesday (err-  yesterday)
The instructor was talking about the changes in the body then BLAM labor pictures...cervix, crowning, person's head and shoulders coming out of a vagina! I was like take my name off the list to volunteer for that ish, yo! I told BFF her va-jay-jay is gonna be wrinkled and misshapen after that ordeal. she concurred.

What other shenanagins have I been up to? Same ole...same ole. 

Jehovah Jireh

(*means God, the Provider)

I wanted to make stir fry today but lacked the ingredients. A quick trip to the grocery store would fix that, right? I checked my balance (knee-jerk reaction to being broke all the time) and what do you know? I only have $7 in my account til Wednesday.

Upset and hungry, I prayed...God, i'm not going to get angry. I am going to trust you. I know you will not allow me to go hungry. I need money. I know you can do it...I'm on the look-out for the how part.

So, I searched old purses and looked in discarded clothing. I only came up with a dollar. Did I mention I had no money on me at all? Yea. I thought I had about $80 in my account. It turns out...I scheduled part of my phone bill to come out my account and forgot about it. If I had remembered, this weekend's spending wouldn't have been the way it was.

Anywhosies...I went through my mom's cupboards and found some rice, chicken strips and broccoli in the freezer and made a meal.

She didnt have anything in the fridge i wanted to drink but she did have iced tea mix and sugar. Done and done. Amazing.

I never go in her cupboards for anything. I figure she's in South Carolina. She's not gonna be checking for a box of rice and some chicken strips when she gets home. Anyways...I get a call from a client whose wedding I'm doing on Saturday. Her niece's prom is Wednesday. She gave her niece my number. She called. I gave her my website. She loved my work. Her and her 2 friends are getting makeup done on Wednesday.

Who doesn't love unexpected money? (And prayers being answered)

On a Sunday Afternoon

I could go into a long diatribe about how great today was....mostly, what I want to say is how it was revealed to me:

I'm not working hard enough. I let the passion in me die out. I got tired. I got discouraged and I stopped believing in my dreams. I stopped believing in me. Why? Because it wasn't happening fast enough. Because there were so many trials. God has blessed me with this talent and I have buried it. I can't limit my greatness because I want instant gratification. There is something in me and I can't let my light flicker and die out.

God has been asking me over and over about DK. If I am willing to let him go...if I am scared he will walk away. If I trust God enough to trust Him that my mate is out there and to stop being so desperate in my emotions. I am walking down a path not to different from before and I need to stop. I need to stop being so aggressive, so forward...I need to cool out, take a cold shower and prepare for him to leave but act as if he's staying. Mentally, put God first. Emotionally put God first, myself first. It would hurt if he left...if we're being honest. I don't handle rejection of any kind well. Him leaving would feel like rejection. But...I can't under any circumstances go through what I went through with The Nigerian again. Some things in me need to die. I feel as though I might have abandonment issues. My dad died, the person I thought was the love of my life left me for someone else - actually, that happened twice. My high school boyfriend of 3 years left me for a friend and then paraded his relationship with her in front of me and everything I wanted him to do with and for me he did with and for her. (Side note: Funny...that guy was so shallow! He started dating my friend AB and then decided to take another girl to prom SS because SS looked better than AB and he wanted nice pictures.) I guess I was the one #winning. Lol. The 2nd guy was Afroman and Lauren. I guess part of me is tired of feeling like I'm going to lose all the people I grow to love. I have to let go of that hurt...really let that die or else I end up doing things that hurt me more (like break a 19 month celibacy, get taken advantage of, get pseudo-stalked,  get super sick for a month) ...ya know, things like that.

Annnnd so....
That's that, I guess.

What else is going on?
That dude I met like a week or so before DK, I forget his moniker...(his phone got cut off but he invited me out on a date only to not call me until after we were supposed to meet up..) has been calling me all weekend. But, he's been calling from his number (which I deleted) and then private like....I don't know its the same person that called 10 seconds ago. If I eeeeeever gotta call someone private just to get them to answer, that's the day iQuit.

Anywhosies.....that's all on my mind for now. Everyone have a great week on purpose!

le sigh

my aunt passed away this morning.

what do you say about death? my mom called and left me a message to tell me. i didn't listen to the message. i just called her back. in retrospect, that was a bad idea. i called her like.."hey what's up?" then she puts my cousin on the phone and i say,

"there's nothing anyone will say to make you feel better. your mom is okay. everything is going to be okay. the pain you're going through will not go away magically but the pain will be less sharp. you will be fine."

not sure if those are sage words. everyone always calls me like..i know what to say when a parent dies. i don't.

i carried on with my work day and the magic hour came and i got paid.

*cue disco ball*

i called around to driving schools and found a school that charges $185 for 5 (1-hour) lessons. Most schools give 45 minute lessons...me (and my weekly earnings) went and paid for the lessons. i felt like such a grown up. (look at me doing what i've been wanting to do since the beginning of time) i got home and called the refrigerator repair guy. in 20 minutes (and much picking up of shoes that rocky had eaten) later, he came to tell me my motor was broken and i need a new fridge.

mom called to tell me she needs money. she had to buy clothes. she expected to be down south for a weekend..a week later, she's still looking at another week.

my driving lessons seem less important...as say...giving my mother money or buying a mini-fridge (which costs the same amount of money)

i felt foolish.
until...i realize. heyyyy..wait a damn minute....i had to buy lessons because NO ONE will teach me. (not even my mom). I've been wanting to buy lessons since MARCH. it is JUNE. i worked hard all week...specifically for this purpose and damn it! i will rock those lessons!


i hung out with DK on Wednesday. this guy...something is missing. i keep telling myself...but i can't figure out what. he's super easy to be around and talk to. there's attraction. there's passion. there's also a sensibility. i feel comfortable sleeping with him right now (kinda..always have that puritan guilt) but i like waiting. HE wants to wait. i offered for him to come over and he said no. he wanted to wait. *grins* there's so much we don't know about each other. how do older people do it? get to know each other...date. it feels like the other person had this WHOLE LIFE before you. i guess, they go into it knowing they can't know all the details about the other person.

i am enjoying this time when i discover new things i like about him.
like...

i like that he is super nerdy by accident. he's a computer engineering student but he's working in IT already. wednesday, he had his backpack with all his computer parts and he was telling me about his day. super nerdy. i was like "oh yea, defragment my hard drive baby..." lol..i'm super nerdy as well.

i like that he's honest. i realize that americans like things in a cute little package (how japanese of us). specifically, we like the truth wrapped in a jasmine scented bow. people who are not american (*ahem* nigerian men) tell you things like i don't know.... "your butt is huge but i like it." or "your breasts are in my face." *adjusts shirt* "they are stilll in my face because they are big. its okay. don't worry." with a big smile on their face. it is the truth but it kinda makes you go "damn...can i get a euphemism?" there is no gray area. he said, "nina, i like you. i am also sexually attracted to you. you smell nice." - not in one sentence but several sentences sprinkled in a conversation. gray areas for me cause anxiety. my whole relationship with the nigerian was freakin gray. yes, spell things out for me!!

i like that i can be myself. yes, i want to look good but i don't feel like that's all he sees. yes, i'm on my best behavior still but i can still say whatever i want to say. i can breathe.

anyways...see what i did there? i distracted myself from death and not having anything cold to drink in the house (sans tap water) so..i like that he does that. lol "oh yea baby...distract me...rarr"

Sunday/Monday

I wake up determined to focus on what God has to say to me. Surely, it has to be some type of balm to ease the stress of what I'm going through.

I go to church looking and feeling good. I know God's got my back.

I go to 9am service. At 10:30, I am walking in my door. BFF called and we decide to brunch. I change my clothes..still feeling foxy..I put on this flowy dress I got from Target, bright orange clutch, wood jewelry and my Jesus sandals from last year.

I liked my face in person but I kept photographing how I felt...hot..sweaty and a little tired.


(photos removed)




We brunch. We talk about the boys in our lives, childbirth, the usual. I then help BFF do some grocery shopping because she's preggo and needs all the motivation to do something productive she can get.

Later, I take Rocky for a walk in the park where he gets tired out (!!) by a Pomeranian who he desperately tries to hump.

All is well.

Monday.

I do NOTHING.
I get up. Shower and park my ass on my mom's couch. I stay there intermittently between walking Rocky and eating. I get a call later in the day. My mom's oldest sister's heart stopped. They were able to revive her but its not looking good.

Mom's going to stay in Charlotte until her sister's out of the woods.

As soon as I hang up with my mom, J calls. Our friend who has been in the ICU since last week has taken a turn for the worst. Doctors are looking grim. Oh and my grandma is also in the hospital.

AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!