Its gonna be a long long way to happy

Afroman came this weekend because it was his older brother's birthday. We tried to meet up but it didn't work out that way. I don't know how I feel about that because once upon a time, I would've dropped everything to see him but I just wasn't that pressed.

I'm wondering....is this progress or is it me trying to feign progress?

With Afroman, it was always like he never tried hard enough. He never went out of his way for anything and masochist me (!!!) needed to prove my love for him even more by spending more time, overextending myself to ---- I don't even know.

The major slap in my face that made me quit was at Christmas when I asked him to spend the night and he said "he didn't feel like taking the train home.".

It wasn't a slap as in an insult but more of a wake-up call and I'm wide-eyed and bushy-tailed.

He e-mailed me yesterday admitting regret that we could not see each other and truthfully, I don't buy it. Maybe, he honestly couldn't leave his family to come and see me, but past transgressions kinda just refute anything he says.

Its been a little over a year since we broke up. How long does it take to get over someone you thought would be your Great Love? How long does it take to forget lips you thought would be the last ones you'd kiss? When do you stop reminiscing on the good times and how long before you can no longer feel the softness of their skin, the brown of their eyes, their caress, etc.

I suspect in a few more years when I'm in a happier situation and can reasonably look back, I'll scoff at my dramatization of the whole thing.

The wound is starting to form a scab if only I could stop picking at it.

Chasing the Big O + Growing Up is like Mold + Sunny Dispositions + Summer Fun in the Sun

Reading the archives of Young Woman on Journey had me really thinking about relationships, sex, life, etc.

Her blog about black women not wanting to masturbate struck me. Out of the group of 4: me, LP, Gi, and BFF...all of them but me own a sex toy. I had a tongue toy but I didn't like it, so I "own" one but it doesn't work technically and literally. My friends and I discuss everything...so yea, we talked about it and I don't like for a man to beat it up both when he's eating me out or during penetration. I like long slow licks and strong strokes. I'm no jack rabbit kind of girl. The best was Mr. Phil. Even though we never had sex, his oral was the best bar none.

And now, I have a confession to make: I've never had an orgasm that I didn't give myself. Then, it was clitoral and not vaginal.

I know. Sad.

But still, I loved sex and all but twice, I liked being with the men I've slept with.

While I'm writing this I'm like DAMN!

But I think I'm ready to get my shit together. I'm ready to buy a toy and just go...see what gets me going and find my "O."

I've been chasing it long enough.
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I feel like I'm going through some type of awakening. Each and every day I'm learning something more about myself and I'm loving it.

Is there a such thing as feeling yourself mature?

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I'm determined to make this summer fun. I have planned and planned many outings in my head and can't wait for them to come to fruition.

I don't know how long I'll be friends with LP. She's really negative and I can't take it.

to be continued...

Morning...

So far this has been an interesting morning. I woke up sorta late not really knowing what I was going to wear. I had a dream I wore bright pink pants with a black blazer and camisole to work. Ironically I'm wearing a soft pink blouse with a wide black belt and knee-length skirt, black sandals and a gray/black/white snakeskin purse. I like pairing unexpected accessories with conventional outfits.

Anywho. While I was doing my makeup, I put on the wrong lotion and my right eye would not stop tearing. I don't know if it were a direct correlation but eek! Here's my beauty secret: Nivea creme. It moisturizes like mad but when I put on cocoa butter, my face sweats like mad, too. So my T-zone is pouring water and my right eye is tearing. I wiped my face with a wet washcloth but its still sweaty. I put some eyedrops in and there was an eyelash in there, literally on top of my pupil and my cornea was red.

So...its 10:04. I was supposed to leave at 9:45. I can't find my keys.

I look everywhere: under the bed, under laundry, I would've checked the Sun if I could. Where was it? Behind the couch cushion. I must've had it on the couch and it slid back there.

10:15am. Fuck.

I got to the bus stop as the bus was pulling up.

Put in my Metrocard.

$0.00 paid.

Shit.

I asked the driver if he would let me on anyway. He obliged. But that means I'm out of $6 unnecessarily. That's lunch money and things are tight.

Fine. I hope I can find the right card for tomorrow because I really don't need the extra expense.

So now...I'm on my way to work and I'm hoping that the rest of the day will just floooowwwww.

Shalom Bitches!

This promotion is running me ragged. I'm working 10 and 11 hour days and the work is never done. Yesterday, I was really irate because my "boss" does nothing and leaves everything to me, yet he takes the lead in meetings and had the nerve to say we need more action when it comes to problems that come up. In my head I'm like the key to having action is doing stuff. I'm once again in a situation where my partner is dead weight.

Its just frustrating.

I'm the type where if I lose respect for you, you know it. I'm at the point where I'm 1 step from losing all semblance of protocol and just disregarding him. The difficult part is that he's Israeli Jew, as all of the managers are. They all speak Hebrew and I know they would rather get rid of me than him. As shown with my old boss Aladdin who was Egyptian.

At this point, I guess I'm just trying to stick in there until my probation period is over so I can get a raise and hope its good because I know I will not be getting another one for a LONG time. Unlike Aladdin, I don't need this job for a freaking green card.

In other news, Afroman and I talked out our differences.

This damn Blackberry deleted all of my contacts, so I looked at my phone bill and started texting everyone "who is this." He happened to be one of those people and I got to vent out some of my frustrations. It seems to have been a miscommunication. Whatever.

I don't know how I feel about him to be honest. I'm just like ...eh... Maybe, I'm finally getting over him once and for all. He's coming home this weekend for his nephew's birthday. We'll see if I see him at all. I'm not going to try, honestly because I'm tired. I'm always the one initiating everything and if I really mean that much, he'll make the effort.

Stay tuned for that one....

Surprise! I'm not getting my tax refund. Why? Because I owed back taxes which I thought was being taken out of my check. Well...money was being taken out of my check but not being sent to the IRS and while I have a company account, he wasn't applying the money to that either. But, he closed my company account for non-payment.

Motherfucker.

As you can see, I must calm down before I can speak to him because I will curse him the fuck out and its not smart to fuck with the person who hands you a check biweekly. But, fuck! If I made a mistake like that, my ass would be in hot water!

I was so looking forward to that money.

As is the usual case, I've been rambling on during my commute in between wishing to get hit by a car.

Til later, loves....

Wishing On a Star...

now have a work blackberry and my own personal one and switching back and forth with the different buttons will be the death of me.

I'm sorry its been a while since I've posted. Here's what's on my mind....

Dude next to me smelled like Hennessey mixed with Brut. Like he doused himself in it. That shit is not cute. That smell was like IN my nostrils...yuck!

I saw this dude while I was on the platform that looked like a boy I liked a lot in high school.

I'm attracted to the gentle giant. You have to be big enough to man handle me. I'm no small fry. Yet, you must be smart and compassionate enough for me to be threatened by you. That's not the hotness.

Anywho! In high school, I went through a phase where I was very pro-black and I was drawn to men -err- boys who had some type of view of the world. He did: a strong view of it and it was intoxicating. I told u guys once before...the way to my heart and umm...panties...is to mind-fuck me first.

Yumm.

This dude got a season pass to visit anytime he wanted even though time, opportunity, and courage never allowed. So when I saw this dude, you might think that I wouldve been delighted...negative.

I wanted to slap him. Hard.

For while he had a lot to say about women and how they should act, he said nothing about him cheating on his girlfriend every chance he could get. OR of how the Creator would feel that he was stepping out on "his rib" to try and slide up in me for about 3 years while he was still with her and this came after she had a pregnancy scare (and yes..it was by him). I saw them together at an Afrikan Street Festival about 2 years ago. He acted as if he didn't quite remember me. A year later, I saw him again by himself. I'd permedrf my hair again. I'm back and forth with the natural look. He said that I should reclaim my glory and go back to being natural. While I looked great, I would be more beautiful natural and I ate it.

I was dumb. I really took to what he said. I put him on a pedestal and I have no idea why.

I'm glad that not all of our wishes are granted. I wanted him so bad once upon a time.....and why? To have him cheat on me and tell me how to wear my hair and eventually what to wear.


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Just Wake Up!!

My summer plans seem to be shaping up already. I'm going to South Carolina with the fam next month, almost begrudgingly. I'm going to Chicago for the July 4th weekend and I'm going to a wedding with Jake in August. Not to mention I've already committed to going to Six Flags, Splish Splash, and DC.

Its going to be so much fun.

I got rid of my sidekick and am now in the land of Blackberry Curve. For some reason, I can't mobile blog from it.....hmmmmm. So....I'm making due.

My promotion is working well...I guess. No one listens to me and when they do, its only to repeat what I say as if they thought of it. I'm leaving early to stay late and I'm working hard and dare I say it....I like it.

They want to give me a Blackberry for there and I'm not so thrilled about it. I like to leave work at work but......we'll see. Plus it means I'll be more accountable and who really wants that?

Lol

I spent the night with BFF(do u think I shouldve given her a name? Hmmm... I figured I have a lot of friends and it would be easier to have her as BFF). Anywho! Why the hell does she have this system in place:

She has to get up at 8am.

The alarm rings at 7:15.

She hits snooze.

It rings at 7:30.

She hits snooze.

It rings at 7:45.

She hits snooze again.

Wtf?

She said it eases her into waking up.

I'm like just get up.

She said its not that simple.

But now that I think of it...that's how her parents used to wake her up for school every morning when we were younger. In my household, I was afraid to not get up on the first call of my name. My mom was not to be toyed with.

Plus, that whole snooze shit wears me out. By the time it was 8am, I just wanted to sleep uninterrupted. What do you guys think? On a hard-pressed morning, I give myself a pep talk out of bed but I can't hit snooze. What's your morning routine?

She's Baaaaaaaaack!

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