Confession

I'm angry at things I can not control. Although I know its futile, I can not help it.

I tweeted this last night and immediately, I wanted to delete it because it felt so raw. It was so true, so real to the state I was in....and I wasn't sure if anyone would take it seriously.

So much in my life could be different.

Better.

But its not.

Its ridiculous to dwell on it. That's how you become miserable and spiteful. But, if only...
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All This For an Average N-Word

I've really been playing myself. Pining after dudes that don't really DO IT for me. All in the name of not being lonely.

What in the heezy am I thinking?

Shabba didn't call me back when he got home from Atlanta. I decided to call him yesterday. It should've been a light bulb moment when I was surprised he answered. He was out at Target with his mom picking up gifts for his nephew's birthday. I said I wanted to hang out today. He told me it would have to be today because he's going to Philly on Saturday.

Cool. I was going to work. We said someone would call each other later. I got home from work round 10:30. I called him. No answer. This morning I text(ed) him and told him to hit me up if he still wanted to hang out.

I got called in to work early. I'm not holding my breath for him to call, text, smoke signal me. If he does, he does but seriously, I need to faaaallllllll back. I have a tendency to go hard. Usually the person is not even worth it. So, really until whomever comes along and they prove to me that they are by umm--- putting some effort in, then I'm not troubling myself. This goes for friendships and business partnerships, too. Hmph!

I told Twin about the situation, he was like...maybe he's just not that into me.

He's got a point there....
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It's Hotter Than the Devil's Balls Today

- has nothing to do with the post but just thought you should know.

So, BFF decided to get an abortion. I agree with her. Its a messed up situation that had she followed through with *ahem* my advice/her conviction to leave him alone in JANUARY, she wouldn't be in this predicament. Ladies, make better decisions, please! His selfishness is ridiculous. He wants a child and so he will put her in this crazy position and ask her to keep it..smh. But, when she called him to talk, he said he couldn't because he was with his girl.

Class act, isn't he?

GGi has drama of her own. Idk if I told ya'll but she slept with this dude she met off Facebook after 2 weeks. He was weird. Kept pushing her to spend all her time with him, wanted her to meet his daughter, meet his friends...yep, after 2 WEEKS! I was like:dang Gi, was the lovin good?

The 3rd week hits, and this girl pops up. She's an Aquarian and her name is Nina, too. Go figure. Nina2 tells Gi that dude is still sleeping with her, accepting her gifts and chauffeured services. After much ado, dude tells Gi he called it quits with Nina 2.

Last week, he had a bday party for his daughter. Gi didn't go. She felt weird meeting the fam, the baby mama and 'em after now, 3 weeks.
Right after that, on Tuesday, dude posts on FB that he lost his phone and the next day, he deletes his FB.

Suuuussssssppppecccccct!

Nina2 calls Gi to ask if she heard from dude because he told her that he changed his number because he was dealing with too many women at the same time and he didn't want certain people to be able to contact him.

Wow...pulling a disappearing act after telling someone you want them to meet your whole family...awesome!

Point is: he was dealing with her and at least 3 other women since there were 2 women giving Nina2 the stank eye at the party and one of them admitted to have a fwb relationship with dude.

What in the hell? Where do people find time?

After getting dressed, half my day is goone gooone goooone...and so is my energy.

Other stuff happened. Trying to wrap my head around it. Post later...
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Ahhhhhhhhhhh

I need to find a J.O.B.

I've applied to a couple of desk jobs but really...........its really really reluctant. I don't want to punch in or clock out. I want to do make-up.

Kind of like that scene in Kung Fu Panda...I love make-uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup!



But it means hustling and unsteady flow of income. I'm not sure if I can deal. It also means not being able to hold downa real job because I need real serious flexibility.

IDK what I'm going to do!

Something You Can't Get Rid Of + Something You Can

"Now, Nina...don't go giving these lil boys something you can't get back," my grandmother said to me after I'd sprouted all the breasts and booty any little girl would be proud of and like a good lil girl, I feigned not knowing what she was talking about. What poor granny didn't know was that I'd already given it. My friends had as well and I was really just biding my time until I would do it again. For I was in loooove. I mean, I was 16. I knew all about love, right? The boyfriend and I had a fish together. We were almost jumping the broom. I can laugh at it now. Back then, not so much.



BFF called me over to her house for drinks because the dude she's sleeping with (who has a live-in girlfriend of 8 years) told her he has chlamydia which he got from her, which she got from another dude she slept with 2 months ago. Messy, right? It was during this conversation she realized that her period was 10 days late. She had an appointment for the doctor today, early.



And well, BFF's pregnant.



*insert falling out, calling on Jesus, the works*



There are about 7 reasons why this situation is not ideal. Big BIG reasons.



All I can do is help her through it. She wants me to tell her what to do. Part of her wants to keep it but the other part of her tells her its all wrong. Because um...also, technically, BFF is married. She and her husband have been separated for a year. No divorce papers yet. Well she signed them. He hasn't. Da-rama!



So, yea...not a clue what to do. She's between 1 and 5 weeks along. She still has a bit of time to make a decision. It is all so scary and uncertain. Any suggestions on helping her deal?

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The Need for Mad Money

I've spent thousands of dollars at M.A.C. - of this I'm sure of 2 things:
A. I wish I could recoup some of that
B. It was money well spent.

The photo shoot yesterday went well but it was 3 hours of work and they only gave me $45. Yes, 3 for the price of 1. Awesome..*sarcasm*

In exchange for that, I was supposed to see a man about a horse or a woman about a make-up counter job. The woman assured me that I'd get it. I wasted 2 hours of my life to go there and I didn't get it. I can't do individual lashes or eyebrows and so....those were deal breakers....I go home and I feel like a loser.

I cry. The tears were slow and deliberate. I just felt like I've been trying so much to no avail. Self-pity is a motha....

A nap will make me feel better. Yes? Hmmmm...

I get up in enough time to be late for work. Awesome! I awake to text messages from BFF asking how the interview was..then, going off with random expletives...then, demanding we get drinks after I get off work. Frankly, I don't want to do it. I have my own stuff going on. I'm really really sad and unsure of whether or not I will be eating cat food next week. Money is so funny and that's no joke. I agree. She won't tell me what's the matter.

I get to work and am just trying to relax. I go on Twitter and Afroman has announced L is pregnant!

(Brief history: I've loved Afroman since freshman year of high school, 10 years ago. We were off and on but serious until 2 years ago who he moved in with L. She's the woman he left me for, denies leaving me for her and has tried to get in my pants since by telling me they're not together, succeeding once in November. The last time I saw him was Memorial Day. He told me hey weren't together. I told him I was being celibate til marriage. Yup, in an essence....that's him)

I immediately start crying. It hurts. I tell Gi on FB chat. She says he's not worth my tears. I can't help it. I know there's no possible way we would ever be together. That is more than evident if she wasn't in the picture. I just can't shake the feeling of extreme sadness. I feel as though Mr. T slapped me.

How does MAC factor in? Well, I'm wearing their eye liner and through all the tears, it hasn't budged...a small sliver of light.

Drinks with BFF....let's see what her problems are that she has to tell me in person after a long day...if its stupid, I'm going OFF.

I just can't deal.
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Fiiiiiiierce!

I woke up on Sunday at 1:20pm thankful for my feet feeling halfway normal. I told ya'll I'm the beauty editor for a magazine catering to plus-sized women...we had our first photo shoot. It was amazing....

Firstly, the girl was sooo wholesome and so pretty. I made her goth. It was crazy. The 2nd girl, I made her 1940's flapper goth. Weird but cool.

I was on my feet from 3pm til 11ish. When I got home...I just wanted to amputate my feet. I'm not used to it but I'm going to have to be. The hair stylist, Liza...she's BANANAS! Her energy is crazy....she talks a mile a minute like JFS. She says she's got a shoot tomorrow (aka Monday) what's my rate. $45 an hour.

she's like: perfect. The girl will need me for 3 hours. Cool. It would be form 2 to 5. I have to be at work at 6. Really, it was great.

Everything went well. I got home and was exhausted but for some reason, I couldn't sleep. My friend on Twitter said he's looking into getting into photography. I friend him on FB. I toss and turn and eventually fall asleep.
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