Pt Deux

(Please read Don't Look Back Pt One)

I BBM'ed my friend from church, a minister's wife. It was like she was my sponsor.

"I fell off the wagon..." I told her what happened as I lay in bed smelling him on me. "I don't know...I want to get back with him but...ahhh..."

She said:
If u see that u have been on the right track without him then u should really think about getting back with him right now. You do know. You're very smart. You know right from wrong. Our flesh tends to take us off course. You gotta stay focused.

Me:
The scary part is...You're right. I do know right from wrong but what if I don't want to do the right thing anymore?

Her:
I've been there before. Trust me, you don't want the consequences of being disobedient. ‎​I can help u through this as much as I can. But don't allow any human to take the place of God! We all make mistakes. Don't stay there. Ask God for forgiveness and move on.

Me:
Yeah, I told him we have to move slow from now on. Our apartments are off limits.

Her:
Good decision. Try not to look back on what you've done too much. When we look back, we tend to stay there.

I understood what she was saying. Like...reliving it over and over will make me want to do it some more instead of putting it outside of my mind and moving on. Or maybe looking at it would make me kick myself over and over. For me, its a bit of both.

Do I want to throw 18 months of celibacy down the drain? My mind is telling me no..but my body...my body is telling me yesssss (*cue R.Kelly Bump and Grind*)

He called me last night after he left. I was exhausted.

"This is embarassing but...tomorrow my phone is going to get cut off. I've been short on hours and other bills need to get paid."

I definitely understood.

"Call me at work. I work from 12am - 8am Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday mornings."

I could hear Gi's voice in my head.
"He's broke. What can he do for you? You gonna give it up to him?"

Ugh!

So many thoughts swirling in my head.

Celibacy ties into my faith. I've got friends telling me its stupid. Other friends telling me I need to experiment, know exactly what I like. More friends telling me "fuck men...single and sexy is what's up for the summer." "God loves a celibate woman."

What do I want?

@Muzeness on Twitter said it best, "No matter how tough and strong we are, we all need to be someone's baby."

I want to have sex. I want to hold hands in the street and be held by someone in bed but I don't want to deal with someone else's financial stress. (That's why I hate dating other writers, musicians, artists, etc...sad but true. I love their creativity but damn! We both can't be broke!) I don't want shopping sprees but I do want Coldstone on a summer night or a nice meal in a restaurant. *sigh*

His phone will be turned off til June 18th which means, the ball is in my court.

My BBM status said it perfectly:

Je ne sais pas...La lutte en moi parfois trop lourd a porter.

Pretty, right?

I don't know why...the struggle in me...so hard to bear.

Sounds better in French, yes?

*sigh*

Any advice...PLEASE!
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