long time

it's been a while since i wrote in this space and it seems every time i do, its because of some darkness.
i am sad.
i feel like no one really cares about what's going on with me.
everyone is so consumed with their lives.
going on and on and on

i reach out to my sisters.
they have their own struggles
they don't even ask how i'm doing
they see me as young with a highway of life ahead of me
never ending road.

i told the guy i like in plain english
i am sad and lonely
maybe i should adopt a dog
he said yes, adopt a dog.
no inquiry into why i feel this way.

i am in one of the most populated cities in the world,
and i feel all alone.


and i feel like i've brought it on myself.
and i don't know how to fix it.
i try and invite people out
but, everyone is busy.


but the truth is...
the reason i want a dog is so that i can have something....
some soul to come home to
that i can't leave.
some soul to live for....
because i don't know what i'm living for now.
and there is no one to confess that to

because everyone is mulling around
living their lives.


but i know i can't give up.
i just am not sure why.
i have a glimmer of hope in the back of my mind that eventually...it will get better
the last time i saw myself in this dark hole, i dug myself out of it.
i can do it again

and its a terrible cliche
but i feel like no one really understands
because i feel like i've been screaming to the top of my lungs
and no one hears me.


and some days, i don't know if i'm talking myself into
or out of this whole life thing
and the realization scares me
when i wake up and i'm just like...
ok....
8 hours until you can get back into bed.
you can fake it for 8 hours
because people don't really want to know how you're doing.

they don't want to see real tears
they want to see fake smiles.

and its like....ok..just make it through the day.
make it through the week,
make it through the month.
you'll have a personal party
get a margarita or chipotle

but those celebrations are always alone.

and in my head, i'm like...if i die...
bestie knows the passwords to all my accounts
they can text my death announcement on my phone
plans plans plans.....
but all people see is  the smiles...
the business i'm trying to build
this facade that everything is ok.

it just takes so much energy to hold it all together and to seem like i'm doing so effortlessly
i told the dude
i don't want children because i'm so emotionally stunted
i don't even know how to love properly
because my whole life i had to be strong for other people
but who's strong for me?

do you know how profound it is to say that out loud to another human being?

and he just said, yeah i know.

i have over 1300 friends on facebook but not a single person to talk to or confide in fully.
how fucking sad is that?
i re-read the last few posts i wrote here
and its the same damn story

i want to feel loved.
i want to feel cared for.
i said FEEL because i'm sure someone loves me
someone cares
but i don't necessarily feel it.

forgive my rambling.
i'm ok.
i'll be ok.
eventually.
i'm seeking out help.

but just pay attention to what people say and do
because i've said how i feel so many times
but if i jump off a bridge tomorrow....
people will be so surprised...

and its like....no, i tried to tell you but you were too busy to see
i was gargling water in front of you
with my arms flailing
but you were surprised when i actually drowned.