unpatience

I think with most women, when it comes to the guy you like, you have to learn the hard way that he is a cad.
For BFF, that means having 2 kids and still not getting a ring and a whole heap of grief.
For me, its spending over $150 on a dude in 3 days, getting mediocre sex and then radio silence for the week after.

I knew that he has issues revolving around sex and intimacy. It's the classic case of....I'm an artist and I like you but I don't want to be with you until my career blows up and I've been through this a few times.This last time is what it's taken for me to learn my gotdamn lesson!!!

I did what I did out of the kindness of my heart because dude is on hard times.
Thursday night, I offered to buy him a drink because he was having some financial issues and I wanted to see him/cheer him up. Drinks ended up being dinner too. Bill was $70. We ended up making out and it got hot and heavy. I was on my period and couldn't get it the way I wanted to. He mentioned while we were out that his bed was still in storage and he was sleeping on the floor. He's been in his new place for 2 weeks and he wouldn't have the money to get it out for another 2 weeks. I immediately called up BFF and we agreed to rent him a Uhaul. She would drive it and we would get his bed out on Saturday.

Saturday came and the Uhaul place was out of vans. I rang my neighbor's bell and asked her to help (she has vans that she uses to transport kids to school). We went to the storage place. I bought him a lock. The storage place clipped his lock because he was past due on his fees and they wouldn't let him pick up his bed without buying a new lock. Why was a new lock $20? Robbery!

We put his bed in the van which entailed us removing seats and hauling the bed, box spring and frame into the van and into his apartment. I paid my neighbor $40. That night we'd already made plans for him to come over and do the do. He was hungry and broke so, I ordered a pizza. Another $20.

The foreplay was awesome. He's a great kisser and I love how he touches me. However......something was off. He has issues with being too much in his head which ruins the mood. He has performance anxiety which is...sweet. But, its like...damn! If I'm moaning, its good. I'm pretty vocal about what I like and don't like. First round was decent. I wanted more. We played around some more until it was apparent, he didn't have a 2nd round in him. He spent the night. We woke up the next day and tried again. Not even then did he have another go left. I think it was the performance anxiety thing. I was so unsatisfied. The whole encounter left me frustrated to say the least.

Now, the money thing...its not a big deal. Really....I justified it in my head that we're friends. I'd do the same thing for any good friend. The kick in the junk was I realized that I hadn't heard from him all week. I  texted and FB Messaged. Radio silence. I got scared because we'd talked about how we both had dark thoughts before. My rule is to always reach out to someone whenever I get to that place and to check on people I know are prone to depression. I actually called this ninja and left a message that was like..."Please call me. I want to know you're alright." Silence.

And then I went on social media.

There's no wetter blanket than when you're trying to reach someone and they don't respond to you but they're on instagram and facebook and taking pics with people and living their fucking life like they have no fucking worries.

That was a slap in the face for me.

And so, I'm done with the situation.
I have but one rule for dealing with men.
Thou shalt not make a fool of me.
He broke that rule.

So, fuck him.
My work right now is spotty at best. I value my coins because I have some shit I need to do too.
I could work 40 hours this week and 4 hours next week. I helped him because I considered him a friend but maybe he just saw me as something else.
The voice in the back of my head is saying that this whole thing is a big misunderstanding. But, this is how I feel about it right now. So....that's that.

Never a failure. Always a lesson.
Always a lesson.