Robbed...

I felt the danger. I felt the awakening of something that in my heart of hearts something was not right.
I saw them walk past me as I gabbed on my phone. I felt my heart lurch as they walked up to me confrontational yet maintaining a ruse of friendliness. I don't speak to women outside of my work, my family, and the handful of close friends I have. Yet... I gave them the benefit of the doubt. The shorter one snatched my phone. The taller looked shocked for a moment and ran as well. The adrenaline pumped and I ran after them..knowing danger in the back of my mind. I saw a flash of a knife, a gun, an angry fist coming toward me in my mind. We fought. She tugged at my purse, in her attempt to get more from me. We fought more. Me..The gentle Juicy..I realized she was with child..the taller of the two. I let her go. She called me a name. I thought of the child she carried inside of her. I thought how sad. How sad to jeopardize a life.How sad to taint a new life with an event so ugly and how quickly and easily I subdued her. How quickly and easily I could have scarred her life....I could've done anything to that creature inside of her. I thought how anything could've ended my life. I am worth more than a $250 Sidekick3. But, then the storm clouds came as I walked to the precinct. I looked into the eyes of the detective who was empathetic. The rain fell down from my eyes.
I walked home..half numb...
Questioning why.
Why would so many things happen to me? I've lost so much. I've lost so much in my life that I don't care about losing.
The rain stopped falling and the clouds are leftThe only things I treasure are AfroMan, BestFriend, my life, my face, my body. Eventually the latter 2 will fade. That loss will come with time and with time I will adjust.
I know that it was an inanimate object, but it was my portal to the outside world...it was an unwavering confidante. I held many thoughts, conversations, notes, pictures, reminders in there.
It was taken from me violently.
I am trying to get over it slowly. Yesterday, the entire scenario ran through my mind like a looped video all day.
I have my distractions today. I still feel like I'm banging up against a wall. I have no phone. My phone is never interrupted for non-payment. This is the first time since I can remember..probably my college days where my phone has been off. To think, my stepmother said that if I had stayed with my other phone, I wouldn't be in the predicament that I am in when I asked to use the home phone. To kick someone when they are low. That's her nature...
Cest la vie...yet I'm still stifling the anger. The clouds are parting.

Defeated....

Today...I just feel really defeated. Like I've fought and fought and fought and its no use because in the end....it doesn't matter....I never get to do what it is I set out to do. My birthday is in less than 2 weeks...and I was siked becuase I had everything mapped out as to how I
wanted everything to be for me - from head to toes...literally...from dinner to dessert to drinks...literally..I've never had a Happy Birthday...where I can say everything went the
way I wanted it to...or I was able to do exactly what I wanted...I could never say that I went to bed without wanting to cry on my birthday...never!

I thought this year would be the first year I could say that and that for the first time in forever I could do what I really wanted to do...and enjoy myself...but no! Not this year...so the question there-in lies...if not this year then when? When will it finally be my turn to have fun..laugh...enjoy my birthday...as i,m writing this on the train...I'm blinking back the tears because I feel so damned shitty about my life.

The reason why I can't have the birthday I planned for is $$$.First off...I just became permanent at my job..I thought it wouldn't happen til after but what that means is...is instead of having a weekly check..its bi-weekly and I get paid this fri and then the fri after my
bday. *super*
Then....I owe $233 on my cable or its scheduled to be disconnected on feb. 4 (the day of my birth) AND I owe $178 on my phone by this fri (pay day) or my phone and my
BestGayFriend's phone will be turned off...

Speaking of BGF...he won $500 on Sunday...do you think he offered $20...$30...$50 to go towards the bill? No! Knowing that the bill is due and he told me he went over the minutes...I'm so upset!

To think of all I went thru when he was locked up...all the stress...all the shit I do for people and I never get any of it back...I wouldn't even mind not getting it back in monetary form...just a little karma...

I gotta fight for everything I have....so tired of fighting!

changes..cha a a a anges!!

So...
Some interesting things are happening to me.. I can feel the changes in my attitude..my mood...I can feel it coursing through my veins like new blood.
I am becoming a woman....sorry...that was a little melodramatic.
But, I feel my womanly wiles more often than not these days. It's an amazing feeling.This year has been a roller-coaster ride already. But, I feel strong. I feel like I can handle it..bring it on!!!!
(ok, that was a little cheesy..couldn't resist)

There's this interesting thing happening...with me.
I feel sexually alive. It's because of Afroman. I want to do things with him that I'm too shy to speak of outside the bedroom. I have these fantasies that I want to act out. I'm not really scared because i know he's not going to reject me...anything he wants to do..anything..I'm down and I mean that..maybe its a little scary but whatever...
It's that I'm finally unafraid to love and I'm in a secure relationship...:BIG SIGH:

Let's Reflect....

I've had to deal with some crazy sons-of-bitches...in my past.
It hit me as I was reading this one woman's blog. She details how her ex
is a lawyer and she has to be in court at least once a month..he spit on
her while they had sex...he threatened to kill her and her friends...he
was a total maniac and I reflected on not 1 but at least 2 crazy exes
who could mimic that same situation...not of course to that degree..but
dammmmmnnnnnn!
I've been hit before..threatened more than once...almost assaulted
sexually...craziness...I'm pretty. I'm clever..sometimes
funny...intelligent...but I don't think that I warrant that reaction if
I choose to leave. Hmmmm....I don't think it was my beauty or
intelligence...wit or even the poontang that caused this, more so, I
think it was those men's need for control. We do date our fathers? No?
My dad wasn't controlling..but he did have his ways. He never hit my
mom..but he did have a temper that I graciously inherited. He never was
threatening or menacing to me...I always remember his smiling and
laughing but I could imagine.
So in thinking abt all this in relation to who I am...and who I'm with
and the logistics of it all...I'm blessed. Afroman is not going to beat
my ass, threaten to kill me or even give me a harsh look. He's a
gentleman..he's a gentle man. Part of me thinks on some level that I
don't deserve him..and I'm learning to appreciate that in lleu of what
I've gone through...I do deserve it but I just gotta try not to fuck it
up!
Which is harder than it sounds for the #1 FuckUp
herself...Juicy...lol..that's what I'm calling myself from now
on...Juicy..it fits...no? Lol...

Today I feel....

I feel defeated. As if everytime I punch in, a little part of me dies just slightly. I hate this job with a passion that I reserve for Afroman...for God (sometimes)....

"GoodAfternoon, thank you for calling (daytime location) " as I rhetorically pull down my pants and allow myself to be flogged just a little bit more.

Pieces of me die slowly....how do I escape this? I have obligations now...financially. No kids yet but I feel as though I do.

I need my own apartment. I want a car. Those things symbolize independence.
I want to pull my friends up from the bottom to where I am but I can only do me.

Someone called me the sweetest person that they know. I laughed hard. On the inside, I knew it was true, but I have all this agression on the inside. I have no idea where this has come from or what it will metastasize into...interesting word - metastasize...look it up..yes aggression..is like cancer. if not dealt with immediately..i feel like it can grown and infect other areas of your life.

my thoughts are really dark today. "charlie murphy's sad..." lol

feeling kind of helpless....my situation is driving me now. feeling kind of teary-eyed...trying to keep it together. another day of dark clouds...
feelin like my life is a run-on sentence...right about now.

tired...so tired...
tired of being there for everyone.
tired of looking happy on the outside.
tired of being used for everything.
tired of being perfect.
tired of being together...just want to fall apart. throw a tantrum..cry..kick...
but i can't ever..
Good Afternoon, thank you for calling (daytime location).....
{dying inside piece by piece}

Who are you?

Funny how I looked at my buddy list for the first time n a long time...started deleting people and also reading their away messages. My friends are extraordinary people. They've gone to France, Africa, England..all over...and many of them, I don't talk to anymore except for
the occasional 'hi' but I wonder abt them from time to time.

Who are you now?

Happy Anniversary!

Even though its not really an anniversary....to me and Afroman!!!! 1 month strong which lately for me is a record...hahahaha...but yea..this one's a keeper...