pieces

things are not remotely back to normal but i feel myself fighting my way back to some sort of happiness.

i was having...fun with best i ever had and i asked him what he wants in life as far as a relationship goes.
he didn't say it out right but he would be content to be alone for the rest of his life.
he wouldn't mind having more children but he said he wants no relationship of any kind.

i am not content where things are.
i love his body and how he makes me feel but i want more

not with him

but with someone else

i don't want a piece of anyone else anymore.
with claude i got the piece of the relationship where he took me out.
with carlos, i had the piece that was my rock. my listening ear.
with bieh, i have the sex.

i want all of that rolled into one.
which i know isn't very likely but i want to get it as close as possible.

i'm not content to be in a demi-relationship. i want it all.

i was talking to bieh about a friend s. s was a virgin until she was 28.
one night, she met this dude and decided to give it up.
why? because she was just tired of waiting for the right guy.
so, she settled
dude did a hit and run....on a virgin.
emotional trauma x 10000.
i told her....if you could wait..past high school..past the pressure of college...past the pressure of grad school...why that dude? did he deserve it?

no. he didn't.

i feel like that about my next bf.
i feel like that about claude. he didn't deserve all i did for him.things i didn't blog. so, why that dude?
because i got tired of waiting.

like s, i cheated myself.
i don't want to cheat myself again.
waiting sucks though.

i was at bff's house with my mom looking at her new baby and my goddaughter.
bff told my mom to give me 4 years.
my mom said..maybe nina will never have kids.
she's given up hope.

wtf mom?

anyway, i'm tired and  i'm rambling but...
that's where i am.
waiting and hoping for the right guy.
in the meantime, i'm working on myself.

because when that guy comes along, i want to be a whole person
because that's what i want for myself.

i'm tired of picking up broken pieces
shards of a man,
trying to love him.
getting cut in the process.

what do you want?

all day I've been asking myself this very question. 2013 was mildly successful. I went to Europe like I want. I changed jobs like I wanted. I landed a dude - a couple of dudes that I wanted. what else? i'm angry and pms-y and I've been trying to keep my crazy from the general public. as much as I can seeing as I work with the general public every day... blah so,what do I want to accomplish in 2014? I think I've been reluctant to answer this question for myself because that would require actually doing these things. part of me thinks I have no fight left and i'm just tired swinging my white flag around. when did I become this person? when did I realize that life is effing hard? I had all intentions of working on a vision board and making all these goals for the new year but I came home and ate chocolate chip cookies instead. because i'm a winner. did I tell you guys I lost 18lbs?! as soon as I found that out, i'm like....I want chocolate...NOW. ugh. I gotta keep up the good work because I really would love to be a size 12. like a standard ny and company size 12. I remember being a kid and my mom buying me clothes from there. the last time I was a size 12, I was probably 12. and I always thought I just had baby fat and I would grow out of it and be skinny and wear beautiful clothes from ny and co. crazy thoughts. this ish is work! being away from the gym from 1 week, I couldn't run the mile and a half I worked my way up to these past 2 months...wha???? I was struggling and then ran for 10 minutes, walked for 10 minutes....those 10 minutes were HARD. what have I done? after I came home from the gym, I had 4 chocolate chip cookies and a half a 24oz can of strawberrita. am I depressed? or is it really pms? I don't know. I feel frustrated with my job. I work part time and i'm an adult woman living in expensive nyc. bills are always past due. I owe everyone! twin called me and was like...hey...do you want to drop $300 on jill scott tickets for Nye? once upon a time, i'd be like...yup...see me on Friday. now, i'm clutching my pearls like...THREE HUNDRED AMERICAN DOLLARS? and this sucks I tried to transfer to a higher hour position at another store because...working in Brooklyn is annoying. I work with chicks like me..broke and have no business buying makeup trying to squeeze them for that extra product. that shit is so.....annoying at times. - all the time - I don't have money so I keep my broke ass home. lit'rally. my boss was like...there is a position opening at my store for more hours that I can try out for but I'd have to prove I really want to be there and i'm like... ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm idk. do I? will making more money make me happier or do I just fuckin hate working in Brooklyn? I can't tell. and in the back of my mind, i'm like 2014...I want it to be the year of national trips. I want to go to new Orleans and I should visit my fam in Bermuda and I kind of want to go to the grand canyon. and I want to do this working 23 hours a week? HOW?! and my birthday is coming in February and I want to go to Miami. and my ipod just gave up the ghost today. my blood pressure is sky high. I guess having faith is seeing that light at the end of the tunnel. through all the darkness and snakes and rats and roaches and things that go bump in the night. and my commitment-phobe self is like... do you really want a boyfriend? when I have 50-11 thousand posts on this here blog talking about how lonely my ass is. WHY? because what I wanted didn't come in the package I thought it would and that's talking about the job and the dude. wtf universe!?! you are so funny.... *le sigh* maybe the chocolate cravings is just emotional eating and I have to stop that shit. not cool. I can finally start to see the top of my collarbones and I like it and I don't want them to go away. I keep telling myself to relax. the holidays are always at TEN on the stress meter and that in January, i'd be better. oh yeah, and I've had raging insomnia for the past 6 months (at least) this is all temporary. must remember temporary.

the h word

So, Belle posted this comment on the last post:
I had to post a response (i read, but rarely post). I think it's great that you've found someone who is treating you well. I can tell you are ready for real love, and I hope you and Claude will be good to each other

Firstly, thanks for commenting!!!
And yes.....you used a word that had been in my mind for a while that I didn't want to put out in the world.

HOPE.

I have tons of fucking hope.
Hope scares me because it breeds the sense that things are going to get better. It makes you buy expensive Christmas gifts that make you live off of rice and beans (literally) for the rest of the week because you want to make sure that person knows you're not fucking around. youre serious and damn it, if he is too then let's ride this pony together.

for example.

hope scares me because I've had my heart shitted on by so many losers this year, I fear that if I give in to the fact that, yes, Claude is a wonderful human and he digs me and we share shit..if for one instance, I *gasp* call him my boyfriend...the Mayans would be proven right and the world will end this year. birds will fall out the sky. locusts will swarm the white house. end of the world shit.

I can't be responsible. not when Sasha Obama is growing up to be so cute.

im always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
men just stop communicating with me out of thin air for no reason.

i'm still scarred from the whole correy debacle.
I didn't blog this but best I ever had did the same shit

we had plans to bang. earlier in the day, we were laughing via text. all I needed to know was what time to come over. that last text was never answered.
wtf happened?? why did he never respond when just an hour prior we were joking about how good the sex is?
 I will never know!!

and since these 2 men aren't the only ones to have done that to me in my lifetime...I sometimes think..oh shit..what if claude isn't fucking real? why do men do that? do they do that in general or just to me?

and I get scared.

and I just want him to stick around for a little while.

Arrrghhhh

I just burst into tears listening to some random classical music because it was beautiful and I want something huge and beautiful to happen to me.

I've had such a rough week.
Starting last Saturday, I came down with a cold. I kicked the cold on Tuesday. On Monday, I decided I wasn't vegan anymore. I had some macaroni and cheese on Wednesday. It is Saturday and my stomach just stopped hurting. It felt like I had food poisoning. I started my period yesterday. So I basically went from one level of hell to the next.

I work really hard. I don't know how else to work.
But, I feel like I'm not getting anywhere fast. I still am not making enough money to mean bill collectors no longer call me. I'm so frustrated. I don't really know what to do.

I'm just tired and stressed and sick of being tired and stressed and frustrated all the time.

today

there are times in my life i feel so utterly lonely.

in europe, i was alone. i was by myself in countries that didn't speak my language. i had to fend for myself. motivate myself when things didn't go my way. i was responsible for catching trains/buses/planes and for every activity i did.

who knew that at home, i would feel like even more alone...lonely. there are people here that i can talk to freely. everyone (for the most part) speaks english but most times, i feel like i have no one to talk to.

perhaps, that's why i started the blog.

i am tired.

emotionally, mentally, physically.

this city drains everything you have.
and then you try to date because everyone in your life has someone except you.
and it doesn't necessarily work.
and you feel like a failure.

and i wonder.. what is wrong with me?

i am beautiful, smart, funny, ambitious, driven...i have morals, manners...i speak well, i dress well, i like sex...at any available opportunity with a partner i trust, i'm all over it.
but i'm fucking alone.
and that fucks with your psyche like...what am i missing?

like, where is my man? why isn't he here?
i'm so tired of feeling so alone all the time.

understanding that alone is different from lonely.

somewhere along this month, i stopped trying to do things. with my book, with my career. everything feels like an uphill battle.

and i just don't know what to do....
i don't know who to reach out to...
i don't know how to make myself feel better...
i feel like being an ostrich and sticking my head in the sand and just giving up.

the only thing i can say to myself is that this will be one of those entries that i will remember later on when i'm happy and shake my head and remember how bad this felt and be glad i felt this bad...because it made me appreciate the happy.

for now, it just sucks.

Whatchu Want?

I understand that what we want changes over time. It is as human as how our favorite song evolves once we hear new songs or our needs evolve as we get older. At this juncture in my life, I’m not quite sure what it is I want from a relationship. If, a relationship at all. Some think that I have given up on love. By some, I mean the bickering voices in my head that tell me conflicting things. The need, the desire to be loved is constant. It is poignant. It is something that can not be ignored. What happens when it has for a long time? Does the human spirit just eat itself, like someone lost in the wild without food that makes the choice to eat his own hand or face death? At times, I feel like I have given up on love in the way that a child throws a tantrum and says that they are no longer your friend. Or maybe, I’m playing hide and seek with love. I was the one that was tagged “it” and love had a really great hiding place. The areas where I thought love lay; it was just its cousins, infatuation, lust and possession. So, where am I now? I’m not quite sure. I feel like I’m waiting for something big to happen. For someone to rattle me to the core. Someone who will make me change everything that I’ve known or thought or felt. I’ve never really wanted a grandiose expression of said love, just an inkling for me to know that it is there. Willing. Waiting eagerly for me to recognize it and that it was not hiding all along.

Instant Love

I'm not sure how to begin this post or how to really verbalize what's going on in my life....not because of anything bad but rather because there is so much to say.

A week ago, a Twitter friend tweeted a poll on if he should keep his beard or cut it off. I DM'ed him asking him if that wasn't a question for his honey. He then informed me that he was single. From there, phone numbers were exchanged and texts and phone calls.

I like this man. Even though there are certain points of interest that make me cautious.

1. He graduated high school in 1988. I was born in 1986.

2. He lives in Atlanta.

3. He has the same first name as The Nigerian.

But, ever the analytical person...I've been comparing him to Trini and DK and he's awesome in comparison. Anyway...I'm not going to jump off the deep end with this one. He's coming to NYC in June. If he comes, I've invited myself to see "A Streetcar Named Desire" with him and we'll see where it goes.

 

His moniker.....I'm not that original, so ATL because that's where he's from. Lol

 

Anyways...I was talking on Twitter again with this dope dude and he was saying how women don't understand when a dude they're talking to has a hectic schedule but yet is still trying to make time for them.

I said...women are expected to make concessions and understand when men aren't held to the same standard.

 

He countered with, "Many 20somethings are out there expecting instant love."

 

He floored me with that one. What if that is my problem?

Am I expecting to fall in love in 5 minutes? This generation wants everything right away...

But then I thought about it and I don't want instant love...I just want love without the games.

I have no clue when I became so serious. Sometimes, it scares me how seriously I take things but we only get one chance at life....shouldn't it be?

significant

my pastor said in sermon yesterday,

"the unmet needs of a child become the agenda of the adult."

i've been trying to figure out my unment needs...because i feel like i had what i needed but then this whole aussie thing has shown me that is definitely not the case.

then it hit me. the issue with dk. the issue with aussie. the issue in most of my recent relationships have been me not feeling like the SIGNIFICANT other. lack of communication. lack of affection...it made me feel unimportant.

like the non motha-fn factor.

when my dad got sick, the whole family came to him and made him priorty#1 from ages 9-13, it was all about my dad - hospital visits, doctor's visits, dialysis...the works...and then when he died...everyone just kind of did their own thing. i acted out...in a big way. i wrote suicide notes, i stole like $300 from my dad and spent it on food at the mall and dumb shit, i lost my virginity, i had older boys calling the house when NO Boys were allowed to call me and my parents really didn't do much. they yelled. they grounded me...but they never sat me down and talked to me.

after a while, i told myself it didn't matter and i built a wall where my mom still can't get through. i mean, who finds a suicide note than an 11 year old wrote and makes it about them? ("how dare you put this stress on me?")

but evidently, that little girl who needed love and attention is just an angry 25 year old woman seeking the same thing. so now that i know this, what am i supposed to do? its still a void. its still a need. am i supposed to suppress it or control it? i don't really know.

happy and sad

i'm super happy to be going to houston. i arrive 11:59 on this thursday evening and its amazing that trish has been generous enough to help me with a ticket and open her doors to me (and my pooch)...who does that?? thank you!!!

this trip has been the light at the end of the tunnel for me because there are so many things making me sad here. i'm going to try and balance the happy with the sad.

happy
louie (i changed the spelling of his name) is so sweet and he listens to commands. he peed on my floor and i told him to go! and he went...lol.

sad
aussie and i were supposed to hang out last night. i told myself ...i would not confirm the date nor would i cook because i want to see his intentions. i am usually the one confirming our meet-ups just because i am super type a all the time and i always have a hot meal waiting for him. i was kind of OVER aussie anyway because we were also supposed to hang out on friday at his house which he conveniently misunderstood as us meeting at my house. i've known this dude for 3 years and i still haven't been invited to his house. something is fishy. so..anyways,i did compromise and agree to meet at my house on sunday because i wanted to see him before i left for houston and i really just needed a hug and a kiss. you know..some affection. but not really sex cuz that ish is PAINFUL right now.

anyways....sunday, i get a text from him asking, "what's for dinner?"
me: ?
aussie: oh ok then
me: you're welcome to bring something
aussie: i don't have anything (umm, what does that mean?)
me: so, you going home first?
aussie: i don't have food at home. (IS IT MY RESPONSIBILITY TO FEED YOU?)
me: so, what do you want to do?
aussie: idk
me: ok, let me know.

did he indeed let me know? NO. I actually called him today and he didn't pick up.

HOW RUDE!

so, i went through the motions: angry then sad. hoping indifference would be next.
its not about being stood up...its about me not providing a need for him and him going ghost. ugh! i don't even want to talk about it anymore. i knew better. i deserve better and i'm just not going to go backwards anymore.

sn: how you gonna be on facebook talking about.."call you anything but broke" and all this other shit and you don't even have money for food. you can't even bring over some chinese to my house. i bet if i said all this shit about how i can do splits and cartwheels in the bedroom and then when it came down to it, said i was celibate, i'd get into some serious trouble. OVER IT.

happy
i went IN on my makeup today. i looked really nice.

sad.
my job.
is killing me.
as wynsters says all the time, "i need a grown up job with a grown up salary."
i got picked on hella hard today and was threateneed to be sent home if i don't keep my white lab coat clean.
firstly, WHO THE FUCK gives someone who works with makeup all day a white lab coat? THEN, i'm expected to clean dust, get stock from a dirty stock room and do all this foolishness in a white lab coat.
PLEASE SEND ME FUCKING HOME. Jerk.
oh yea...AND my nails are hunter green when they're supposed to be clear, pink or red. I really want to be like "Fuck OFf!"

i'm so tired. i'm so tired. i'm so tired.
i gotta make some major changes.

happy.
we danced yesterday in church and people are giving us rave reviews.

sad.
bff is lost in the baby sauce.
chick doesn't respond to texts/phone calls until days later. i called her on friday and am still waiting for a response (monday night)...smh.
i want to ask her to take me to the airport on thursday but honestly, walking to the airport seems like an easier option. like, by the time, i'd get a yes or a no...i'll already be in houston or be looking for a ride back home from the airport.
i'm kind of over that situation too.
we're just 2 different people. i always reach out to the people around me. i couldn't really be in a bubble like that...not unless i purposefully did so and that would mean serious depression.its just annoying.



happy.
i'm pretty sure i have first world problems and it could be worse. i'm blessed.

relaaaaax

"So what are you guys now?" BFF asked post-whatever with me and Aussie.
"Nothing," I responded.
"What are you thinking?" she asked.
"I can do better."
"You're right."

Aussie is like a nice sugary sweet glass of lemonade when you're thirsty. You really need water but you like sweet things and so you drink it knowing it will satiate you for a while but the the thirst will creep back up and you'll want water.

Sounds bad but true and we've all done it.

There is something specific that I'm missing from a man. People tell me to seek Jesus and all that...I haven't really sought Jesus specifically but you can't really pray your voids away. I think I got disappointed when even Aussie couldn't fill that void.

"You dating someone?" my friend JK randomly asked me on our way home from church the other night.
"Kinda. I like him because he reminds me of my dad in his gruff way but my dad could spell and use proper grammar."
She laughed so hard!!
"I wonder, 'Is the person I'm trying so hard to be with...does God have someone better waiting for me when I'm done trying to be all up in his face?'" I said and then asked her if she asked herself the same question. She's been with her boo for years.
She said the answer changes daily. The spelling thing is her pet peeve too.

Anyways...there is a specific type of man I see myself with - that tantalizes me - that makes me melt but these men who embody that are all taken. I found myself stalking this dude's relationship on facebook feeling super-envious of what they have (from the outside) and I had to tell myself to relax.

Later, when I remembered I was Christian, I thought of 1 of the commandments:Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that [is] thy neighbour's."

RELAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAX Homie! Relax.

I know one day in the future, I'm going to read this and remember this time so clearly - time of restlessness in my spirit and insecurity in every aspect of my life and I'm going to shake my head, tell myself at this age that it works out in the end, kiss my kids and my husband and chuckle about how a mess I was.

Until them....relaaaaaaaaaaax homie.

Racial Epithets

The Friday before last when Sol, Cora and I went to the club, we had an awesome conversation about hair. Get 2 natural-haired girls together and best believe, hair is going to come up. With 3, it was a party. Anyways...it was very informative as I am not really "into" my hair. Don't get me wrong. I love being natural. I've been natural 3 times and everytime I've gone to the perm, I've literally shaved my head to get away from it. I doubt I'd go back to the creamy crack ever again.

Anywhosies............
Cora who has a whatever the hell type of curl pattern (very defined curls since she's part Cuban) says her hair is "just like a wetback's."

*record scratch*

I think I gave her the scooby doo look which was like...what the hell did you just say??
Why would you use that term?
Am I overly sensitive or is that totally not cool.

I mean, I don't even like the "n-word" and would never use it in public let alone use any other racial slur. She said this on the train and there were some Mexican dudes right across from us. I just kind of shrugged it off and changed the subject. Sol acted like it was nothing and I didn't want to ruin the night. Needless to say, it made me look at her funny....and Sol.

Plenty of Fish?

The hardest question to ask and answer is....what do I want?
Probably because when we answer it and acquire what we thought the answer was, we go on and want something else.

The last 2 years of working was spent with me wanting to be job-less freelancing around the city operating in my passion.
2 years of unemployment freelancing and I just wanted a job.
I have a job and I want to be on unemployment again just chilling. Well, that's not exactly right. I'm not exactly sure what I want professionally but you get the point.

So, I'm asking myself...What do I want?
In relation to the upcoming year. In relation to my upcoming meetup with Aussie.

I feel like I'm at a turning point in my life. I feel the gravity of every decision I make.

Do I want to be with Aussie?

I keep asking all the married couples I know about the logistics of marriage, their reasons for entering into the institution and so forth.
The main question I ask is...was th decision made out of practicality or passion?
Aussie and I have passion. I'm burning with it but is it practical to look to build something with him?

When I ask myself that the answer frightens me. In many ways, he reminds me of my father. Whoa.
The same gruff manner. The same adoration of me. The same willingness to provide.

In the back of my mind I wonder if I'm just settling. I never saw myself with someone who resembled my dad. I always say myself with some artist type with a lot of degrees and crazy hair.

If you ask Aussie why he wants to be with me...he will tell you its because I'm nice, I can cook and I shag like a minx.

If you ask me why I want to be with him. Its because he listens to me, he makes me laugh and he shags like a jackhammer. lol

I don't trust him because he's lied to me in the past (out of shame of his living situation) and he's hot. Girls throw their panties at him.

Tomorrow, I'm praying it doesnt rain. I want to sit and picnic with him and have a deep discussion about love and such. I want to see where his head is at.

I'm thinking marriage. Not right away of course but in 2 - 3 years. I never thought about getting married as a little girl. Or teen. Or adult. All of a sudden, that's all I think.
Who knows...maybe he doesn't even want to be with me. Maybe he just wants sex.

weight watcher

when i got the position as assistant to the lead servant of the dance ministry at my church, the lead servant had a conversation with me about my weight.

she was gentle.

but she said that if i lost weight, it would help me be a better dancer and a better leader because what we do is physical. if i have to show someone a move, i need to be precise. we watched videos of me dancing (i hate to watch myself) and she was right. i thought i was giving 110%...i look good dancing but only 80% of the effort showed.

of course, being a big girl in human society....my weight comes up with me just walking down the street. conversation starters are always...you're so pretty...for....you guessed it...a big girl.

but i never internalized it.
not a lot of it.
because my self-esteem can't be wrapped up in other people's perceptions of me.

wynsters asked me if i ever consciously tried to lose weight. i told her i had not.
it is the truth.

part of me is afraid to try and lose weight because i'm afraid i will fail.
i've danced, ran track, played soccer and rugby - in that order my whole life and i've always been heavier than (mostly) everyone else while being excellent at all of those things shedding light to the other part of me which hasn't consciously tried to lose weight...its my personal rebellion.

i can be (literally) 100 pounds heavier than you and just as fast, just as graceful, just as precise and have just as much endurance as you. i can be heavier and still be beautiful.

working in the beauty industry is super interesting.
i am with 6 girls in my personal space all day. i interact with hundreds of other women who have issues with their appearance. no matter what: thin, big, tall, short, long hair, bald..no matter what, they have a need in them to change something about their appearance.

if i were thin, what else would i seek to change about myself? (that's rhetorical, of course)

anywhosies...while discussing the nature of my conversation with the lead servant, let's call her ls to wynsters, i told her i needed to think over my stance. she looked at me funny and i understand why. it was probably clear. i need to lose weight. i'm clearly obese (medically speaking). there are a bunch of reasons/way why the weight loss would be necessary and could be beneficial to my life...so, WHY think about it. the reasons i needed to are aforementioned.

so, i did what any woman my age would do...i installed an app on my phone to help me gauge where i am and see how much work i need.
noom (the app) said i need to consume 2090 calories per day, work out at least 3 times per week for an hour to lose about 2 pounds per week.
i was consuming 500 - 700 calories per day. most of those calories were bad according to noom...about 70% of those calories are bad...meaning high in caffeine and sugar.

i've been taking baby steps like.....eating more than 1 meal per day, cutting back on the pepsi and while i haven't been exercising (at all), the weight is starting to slide off. at work, i am on my feet all day, constantly moving...bending and running around the counter. a lot of people have noticed the weight loss which is cool and my work pants (i wear them like 3 out of 5 days) are super loose.

i'm not making a grand announcement but i am going to try and eat more (the good stuff). i'm still at 900 calories per day. in the morning, if i eat, my stomach gets ripped apart it feels like...
no bueno, man. no bueno.

but since i have lost the weight i have, standing on my feet is less horrible. my ankles and knees are in less pain and that's great. so, we'll see.

depression

i've told my friends that i'm fighting the urge to slip into a depression but i'm already here in it.

they don't understand what it means to be depressed. they think it means you're sad and most sadness just passes by naturally right??

I have to psych myself up for every single task. like, ok...nina, you need to get up and shower. ok, we're getting up in 5 minutes. ok, let's break down what goes into this shower...get up, get a clean pair of undies, get your towel, walk to the bathroom, turn on the water....ok, lets get up at the count of 10. 1-2-3-4... literally, this is the mental process it takes to get anything accomplished. if i'm not crying, staring off into space or sleeping...i'm forcing myself to eat, not really liking that sick to my stomach feeling i get from not eating all day...i know that feeling too well or i'm forcing myself to send out job applications. most days, if i step outside my house, i'm lucky. i try and make appointments with friends or solid plans because it will force me to get up and go somewhere. all my friends know i'm methodically on time and i always look a certain way...cute outfit and makeup and so if i show up late looking like a bum, they'll be alarmed. its just that doing so takes so much effort in my state and it takes me 2 hours to get ready instead of 30-45 minutes.

the person who is probably feeling the brunt of my depression is my grandmother. i haven't seen her since thursday and she needs me to do some stuff for her which i haven't done because i just don't have the energy. when i miss a bunch of days, she gets worried and there's no one else to help me take on the responsibility...so, i just have to puuuuuuuuuuuush.

in the meantime, no one knows the whole picture of what's going on....either way i really doubt my friends know how to try and pull me up or that i could trust them enough to allow them to anyway. with most things, i have to help myself. i guess i'm just fighting one battle at a time.

I found this on postsecret this weekend and it spoke to me so loudly....i've pulled back from my friends because i'm always the bubbly big sister (although every one of them is older than me) and I listen for hours....they know something is wrong with me but they're like...just get better already....so, instead of having to explain why i'm not getting better or trying to make new ish up on why ive been in the bed for 2 weeks, i just pull back. easier on everyone involved.

motherless child

I called my mom today to tell her what's been going on with me and how I'm feeling. We spent 2:27 on the phone before she rushed me off. The first half of the conversation was about something else. She asked me, "How are you?" and I told her. I don't think she was expecting that and so when I told her, she asked me some questions and then was like..."Ok, ok, keep me posted, ok bye."

What the fuck was so important that I couldn't get FIVE MINUTES of your time?

I started crying. I just felt so alone.
(If you don't know)
My biological mom died when I was 3. My dad re-married 3 months later. My dad died when i was 13. Yes, I notice all the 3's, trust me...23 was a scary year...lol. Basically, that's the only mother I know but our relationship has been strained ever since I hit puberty and decided that hey...maybe I could be my own person.

So...I text BFF
Me:Just told mom abt the aches and our conversation lasted 2:27. Like damn..she rushed me off the phone.
BFF: Damn, what's up with that?
Me: Idk...smh..*shrug* I'm a fuckin orphan. Plain and simple.
BFF: Don't say that shit.
Me: Its true. Its ok. I've felt this way since I hit puberty. Just first time you heard me say it. No worries
BFF: No its not. Do you really believe that?
Me: Why do you think I work so hard all the time? why do you think I never ask her for anything, ever? She didn't even know I was sick this weekend.
BFF: I mean I know y'all have a disconnect and sometimes she be tripping but do you really believe you mean nothing to her?
Me: Idk. Forget I mentioned it.
BFF: Sigh. Not something I can really forget.
Me: You just accept that some relationships are built on obligation more than love. Sometimes love is expressed diff by diff people people. Some people measure love by how reliable u are when they're in trouble. Some people only measure love by the things you give them.
BFF: Hmmm. I don't know what to say.
Me: Nothing to say. Time will tell I guess.
BFF: I guess.
Me: Some things are too broken to fix. Like, seriously, BFF when i was sick that last big time, she couldn't even walk up 1 flight of stairs to check on me. Who nursed me back to the land of the living? YOU. When you weren't here, I was ALONE. (**I was sick in 2007...in the bed for about 10/12 days with the flu. It was bad**)
BFF: I'm sorry, Ni. I just feel helpless. I really don't know what to say in her defense. Usually I'm in her ass when I feel she doesn't do right by you but I'm just kinda disgusted by what you're saying.
Me: No worries. I'm fine :) I just needed to vent. I keep certain things locked away bc I don't want people to look at her funny.
BFF: Its not you that's disgusting me, its that I'm harsh. You usually defend her but now you smashing her and kinda taken away any defense she could possibly have.
Me: It doesn't matter anymore. I'm tired. I don't want to talk about it anymore
BFF: Its not about her. Its about you. I'm gonna be mean or nasty to her. And what she does doesn't affect me. It affects you and you are my business. We'll talk whenever you want to homie. Get some rest and drink some water.

Posts from when I was sick in 2007.
The Beginning
A Week Later
The End

hermit

The stuff with The Nigerian has been a big distraction, diverting my attention from what's really going on with me, also kind of adding to the distress of what I already feel.


I feel like I've made a mess of my life. I have too much time on my hands and not enough time. It's not enough time because I'm not using it properly. At the same time, I just feel like everything I thought I wanted isn't really what I want anymore and I have to try and rebuild my life from the ground up. Sometimes, I'm not sure if my life has any meaning.

There's no one that I can really TALK to about this in my immediate circle. I feel like their reactions would be the same...mild reassurance that everything is okay - more reassuring of themselves that everything is fine with me because if things aren't fine with me, then...idk. I'm the rock of my friends. I've found myself leaning on them more and more and while scary, sometimes they surprise me.

I don't sleep at night. In the past 2 weeks, the earliest I went to sleep was at 2am. That was because BFF gave me a gin and tonic. I'm not being productive while I'm not sleeping. I'm reading or watching random tv shows or masturbating or just staring off, my mind blank for a significant amount of time. My apartment is a mess. My space always reflects what I'm going through.

I finally doze off at about 5 or 6am and then I sleep until 1pm. Wake up and try to do something productive...something to preserve this outward appearance that I'm okay. People buy it. Maybe I should've been an actress.

I want to talk to someone but really...what will be said? I'm not suicidal or anyting but I think sitting down and saying to someone, I think my life is worthless right now will ring some alarms. I feel catatonic...like the fish in a bowl watching everything move around me.

I don't know what to do to break the seal around my life...break the shell.
Something has got to give. I need to find a job. I need to make some money. I need to shake myself loose.

Close the Door

I say he was acting as if he didn't have time for me and wasn't taking my calls. I say he was only calling me for sex and food.

He says...He was doing business with Brit. She fell through on her end of the bargain. She made it seem like I was going to call him and make him continue with their business arrangement. Instead of being rude to me, he ignored my calls. He said he wasn't calling me specifically for those things, it just so happened that he was horny and hungry when he called.



I say The Nigerian forced me to have sex with him on Sunday. He told me he would rip off my underwear if he had to. I let him take what he wanted until he tried to do anal. I told him to stop. He didn't stop. He did it anyway. I felt violated.

He says...it was foreplay and he could tell I was enjoying it.

I say...I'm going to forget you exist and you should forget I exist. You want what you want and you don't care about anyone else.

He says..I make quick judgments and that's what ruins things for me. I can forget him as I wish but he refuses to do so.


Either way, he stopped calling and texting. I know how I feel about the situation. I know how I feel towards him.

Tonight, on a whim, I decided to invite some folks over, make tacos and watch a movie. I was feeling so stressed out not to mention yesterday, my phone broke. ANOTHER blackberry quit on me. I went out and bought a little flip phone for $30. i invited Wynsters, BFF, Toni Childs and Carter.

Carter looked really good. He was hugging on me and kissing on me all night. It was really intense and if I had not been on my period...things would've gone far....

Carter is a good egg. I don't feel any of the negativity that I felt with The Nigerian. I can't lie...I was sizing the two of them up together. Carter helped me clean up a little. My friends love him. He talks to me. He listens. He talks to my friends. Everyone loves him. He's attentive. We were making out like teenagers and I didn't feel like I had to put out. I didn't feel anything but good and wanted. I didn't feel like if I said no, he would be violent or aggressive. I didn't feel like I was walking on eggshells. He was exactly what I needed.

I asked BFF to take him home. She text me to say that he asked her to drop him off at a party around the corner from his house...I really wanted to reply..."I don't care. He's not my man. I don't want a man. He was fun for the night..." I just said okay.

The thing with TN made me so angry..for a moment i was really hating men but I can't hold on to those emotions for too long. That goes against my nature. I dealt with it and now, I've chosen to let it go. I'm at a crossroads where I need to analyze my place in life on all levels. I need to move. I need to be free. I don't know where anyone fits in that. I'm trying to find where I am first.

The quick chapter with The Nigerian is done. Waiting to see what new door slide open.

I am doing much better.
On my way to okay.

Deep Thoughts

I hit 1,000 posts!! YAYYYYYY! I've shared 3 1/2 years of my life right here in this space and I'm glad to have done that with ya'll.. I've made some blog friends...lost some blog friends but all has been awesome! Soooooooooo, yea, since I don't think you guys want long posts...this is what happened today...I'll post other stuff later.

Today was the 4th of July and we (Wynsters, her friends and her bf) spent it on a rooftop in the village. It was pretty awesome. Before that, I was at church. Church was awesome as well. I love my church because I always feel empowered. I always leave feeling like I should do something that brings me closer to God which is the sole reason for going, no?

Anywhosies....as I was leaving, I ran into BG. I couldn't find posts related to him but I change people's monikers sometimes so, I don't know. Anyway...BG is the poster-child for what I would want in a man. He's educated, learned, traveled, successful in his own business, mature, loves God with all his heart, yadda yadda...anyways...I kind of had my eye on him for a while when he says he has a girlfriend that lives in PA. I didn't get specifics but he basically has the means to drive out there to see her when he wants. He brings her to church today. There they were in their matching suits and she is gorgeous. I felt like an ogre. I ran into a dude I knew from my old church and he was giving me no vibes. Anyways, seeing BG and his girl threw me into a sadness.

I'm alone.

A lot of people think it is by choice but really....I WANT a boyfriend. I do. It just kind of sucks that I'm not meeting anyone that a) who likes me that is available b)who likes me that I like back or c) who likes me that I like back that I could date which is different from being available. I really thought about it and I had to ask myself:

Is it that these girls or faster than me that they reached the "Finish Line" before I did or was I never even in the race? Would I date me?

Then I thought up a whole list of things that I would change about me and began to feel sad when Wynsters invited me to the roof to watch the fireworks. Yea, a roof is not the best place to be when you're sad but I could never jump off a roof in front of my friend so...I guess it was fine. We had fun. I tried to hide my melancholy from them which I think I did. So, well done.

But really that question was eating at me...am I dateable? I don't know what I need to do to rope a man but I need to figure it out...loneliness sucks.

These Dreams are Forever!

Disclaimer: Today is the first day of my period so things may seem a little bit more dire than they actually are...you guys tell me!

So...my weekend rocked and it just makes sense that Monday would suck the air out of me, no?

My mom keeps blowing up my phone. She called me on Saturday and left me an urgent message to take my laundry out of the basement. That's not fucking urgent! She does things like that all the time and so of course, when I saw a bunch of missed calls, I was not eager to hear what she had to say. I call her back and she's like...I'm applying for you to be a court clerk. The due date for applications is July 13th.

She starts asking me a million questions abt my job history and I'm like, "Can I just apply at home myself?"

She like, "No. You don't have the type of Adobe needed for the app process."

I sigh. She's like, "Do you want me to apply or not?"

I say no. I don't want to be a damn court clerk!

She's like well, what you're doing is not bringing you any money so you need to do something. I ask if we could talk ablt it later. She's like "NO! I want to talk about it now!"

I hang up on her.

She calls me back.

She's like "l know you didn't hang up on me! You need to remember I'm not one of your little friends....blah blah blah.. Why can't you have a job and do what you need to do on the side?"

I say...You just don't understand what its like to have to do something and its not your passion.

She's like...you can't eat passion or pay your bills with it.

I'm like..I really don't want to talk about this now. She keeps pushing and pushing. Eventually, I just let her talk.

She gets the hint that I've shut down and so she's like..."Well since you don't want me to help you find a job, do it on your own but GET. A JOB!" Then she hangs up on me.

Yea, I'm not rolling in the dough...I'm struggling. Sometimes, I'd rather struggle and wear the same things over and over than work a fucking job that I hate day in and day out that sucks the life out of me...sucks the creativity out of me.

I don't know what I'm going to do.
Sometimes, I just feel like I'm not going to make it and that everyone who told me so are going to laugh in my face and my mother will be first in line.

Unsolicited Advice

I did a movie today...or rather a short film about a girl who wants to be a dancer but her mother thinks she should get a real job. (Hmmmm) She ends up doing what she wants anyway...and it works out.

The AD (Assistant Director) was pretty dope. The star of the film was too. They're both 30 and both look like they're 21. Anyways, I was asking them about their most prized life lesson...AD said...(paraphrasing) She wished she didn't compromise so much. She was afraid to say no and so she gave in on a lot of things and ended up being upset but with herself. She says now, "she's too old for peer pressure," and she shuts things down quickly. If the answer is no the 1st time, the 20th time its still no and she doesn't discuss it if she knows its a no. I LOVE her no-nonsense attitude and I need some of that in my life.

Hoping to get my wisdom tooth pulled tomorrow...its late and I need to push myself to get up. it was excruciatingly painful on Friday to the point I couldn't go anywhere. I just came home and stayed in bed. I need to get my act together. I've been having trouble getting out of bed, getting motivated.

AD also said...I love everyone. I look out for everyone but at the end of the day...I look out for #1. People forget they're number 1 sometimes....
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