the h word

So, Belle posted this comment on the last post:
I had to post a response (i read, but rarely post). I think it's great that you've found someone who is treating you well. I can tell you are ready for real love, and I hope you and Claude will be good to each other

Firstly, thanks for commenting!!!
And yes.....you used a word that had been in my mind for a while that I didn't want to put out in the world.

HOPE.

I have tons of fucking hope.
Hope scares me because it breeds the sense that things are going to get better. It makes you buy expensive Christmas gifts that make you live off of rice and beans (literally) for the rest of the week because you want to make sure that person knows you're not fucking around. youre serious and damn it, if he is too then let's ride this pony together.

for example.

hope scares me because I've had my heart shitted on by so many losers this year, I fear that if I give in to the fact that, yes, Claude is a wonderful human and he digs me and we share shit..if for one instance, I *gasp* call him my boyfriend...the Mayans would be proven right and the world will end this year. birds will fall out the sky. locusts will swarm the white house. end of the world shit.

I can't be responsible. not when Sasha Obama is growing up to be so cute.

im always waiting for the other shoe to drop.
men just stop communicating with me out of thin air for no reason.

i'm still scarred from the whole correy debacle.
I didn't blog this but best I ever had did the same shit

we had plans to bang. earlier in the day, we were laughing via text. all I needed to know was what time to come over. that last text was never answered.
wtf happened?? why did he never respond when just an hour prior we were joking about how good the sex is?
 I will never know!!

and since these 2 men aren't the only ones to have done that to me in my lifetime...I sometimes think..oh shit..what if claude isn't fucking real? why do men do that? do they do that in general or just to me?

and I get scared.

and I just want him to stick around for a little while.