weirdest date ever

(this is going to be a long one...get your coffee and muffin and sit down...lol)

I was on my way home from work, standing at the bus stop freezing my booty off when I see this man walk by. He had a huge smile on his face and was staring at me. He walked by and I shook my head and laughed. A few seconds later, he came back and called me to the side to talk to me.

I never talk to anyone in the street.

I was hesitant but he was persistent and we exchanged numbers.

The first thing I noticed...the French accent. I asked if he was African and he said..."Close, I'm from Guadeloupe."

Side note: Every time I think of Guadeloupe, I think of canteloupe...because they're spelled so similarly.

Anyway, it is a Caribbean island owned by France..he seemed really nice but I hadn't heard from him and I got stood up by Aussie (again) so I decided to call him...I think his name will be The Frenchman. Which kind of makes me chuckle because it makes me think of the guy from The Matrix.

But he's black and isn't such an asshole....but still.

Anyway, The Frenchman called me and it turned out we were doing anything that day, so we decided to hang out that evening at 6:30.

At around 4, I text him to see what the plan was. He said 8:30, to meet him at my old high school - the neutral point between our two houses.  Cool.

As I'm about to leave, I text him the obligatory, "I'm leaving"...he told me he was running about 20 minutes late.

I get a little annoyed..at what point was he going to tell me this? When I was standing by the school in the cold? Ok, so I'm there at 8:50...he said he was on his way...(more annoyance from me)...

I see this guy walking towards me that looked very similar to him except he looked CRAZYPANTS!
I whip out my phone and call him. Thank God Crazypants didn't answer. He told me we were going to walk to a spot about 6 blocks away. He had to pick up a bag before they closed and they weren't open on Sundays and he had to be at work early on Monday.

Okay..I'm thinking it's a small bag. Where do we walk up to? A LAUNDROMAT. He had to pick up his laundry....All I could do was laugh. He called a cab. And I'm thinking..oh shit, we're going to his house..which of course, makes me uncomfortable...

We call a cab. He opens the door and lets me in (cool points) and he runs to the other side. We take a short ride to his house...which is NICE. He has a 62' TV...smh and a 3-bedroom all for himself. When you walk in, you think it's like a studio but then there's this hallway and 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms...O.O.

SO, we're siting in his living room watching some random thing on the TV and I'm like...Ok.....where are we going..(in my head, I'm like...I didn't put on heels to sit in your house)...
He apologized. He was waiting for his friend who was supposed to have called him an hour prior. He plays in a live band and it was going on somewhere but he didn't know where.

So, Plan B was to hit up one of my favorite chill spots in Brooklyn...a wine bar called Therapy.
He had to get cash so we could take a cab, so we walked to an ATM and then I realized that the bar was only a few blocks away..so, I said we could walk...which is big of me (and my heels)..lol

So, we walked and it was nice and cozy. He doesn't drink but I had a grapefruit-infused white wine...it was sooo delicious...just the right amount of sweet and we talked and talked.
He's a smart cookie. Besides French, he speaks Russian as he stayed in St. Petersburg for a year. When he moved to America, he picked up fluent English in 8 months. He's lived all over the States and he has a degree in Economics which he got from an American college, but works as a fire safety director for a building in the city.He also has a few side businesses like he just started a cleaning company in the city and he had a restaurant in Brooklyn that someone else bought out and he might want to restart it.

I was like SHIT! Dude has it all together...

So, why did he stop for me in the street? He said, he could tell I had a very calm spirit,. I was just minding my business not trying to make trouble for myself and then when he smiled at me, I smiled back and it was the most beautiful thing he'd seen.

We sat next to each other and I felt super comfortable with him. He revealed that his birthday is just 2 days before mine. I have a fascination with man hands...I looked at his and they were nice. His nails were short and clean. He looked at my palm as I looked at his. He says.."Our palms look the same...you know what that means? It means, I'm going to marry you." I laughed. I had a big costume jewelry ring on my left hand. "Let me take this off so you can get me a better one." He remarked that he liked my hands as well so I didn't feel like such a weirdo. We just talked and talked until the 2nd glass of wine made me sleepy and we walked to his apartment.

As we walked, he grabbed my hand. As he said something, he turned to me...and kissed me.
"You're so sweet. I don't want this to be a one-time thing. I want to be with you for a while. I've been so lonely. I'm a loner. I have friends but I'm not close to many people. My family is in Guadeloupe. I just want a wife."
I came into the whole situation without expectations..just going with the flow..so, I said I don't see why not...in the back of my head I'm like...he could just be blowing smoke...

We get to his house...I sit down and take off my shoes which were burning my the soles of my feet. He uses the bathroom. On the TV (he keeps it on when he's out), is the first 48 and they're talking about a woman getting murdered. He starts kissing me on my neck. I'm not freaked out but I'm like..THIS is what we're watching? lol

He hugs me and is like..."Oh, I'm in Heaven. I haven't been with a woman in a long time..I don't think I know what to do..."

He turns off the TV and lays me down on his couch and kisses me and starts touching me..things progress a little...he kisses and sucks on my breasts...we go to the bedroom. He takes off my jeans and underwear and puts on a condom.

He does like 3 pumps...and gets up..

WTF?!

I couldn't help myself. I wanted a little taste but I don't want to go too far.

I'm thinking...you're already in there...you might as well finish the job.

I say, I want more...He says..no, if we really go in..your head is going to be all fucked up. I don't want that.

Fine. I get dressed. He calls me a cab and gives me money for it. I'm not sure what to think of it. I do know the French are very expressive..they tell you how they feel but one thing's for sure...he's not a normal guy. We'll see where this goes. I don't have stars in my eyes. I'm a little tired of the dating scene...so, if this doesn't work out...I'll be hanging up my hat for a while. I do have a few guys I'm talking to online...so all my eggs aren't in one basket.

We'll see...

the dream of being loved by you.

my mom lost her job yesterday.

whoa.

all these questions have popped up. she's seeing this as her opportunity to move to charlotte and of course, she wants me to move down there with her.

drama.

i was supposed to hang out with aussie today. didn't work. his child's mother was supposed to pick up their daughter but she was a no show.

fuck.

i hate dealing with men with children. i know, it sucks to say but it adds a whole 'nother level of shit you don't need. what can you do? she's here. she's not going anywhere....

he told me to "stick around this time."

i'm so spoiled when it comes to men or maybe i've just been alone too long. i want things to be my way. i want you when i want you. i want you when i call. i want things my way.
i don't know if i can stick it out with anyone....but i am hungry. starving for something i can't quite put my finger on.

love? attention?

*sigh*

hello old friend

So, I was back perusing pof when i ran across a name I remember seeing a long time ago.
I clicked on his profile.
and there he was.
I messaged him.

what happened to your girlfriend?

long story.

We began to talk like old friends...and began reminiscing about the old times...good times...and i realized i missed him. so, we're going to hang out on thursday and i can't wait to see him

AUSSIE. *slaps forehead*

Get familiar

I hadn't realized until I went searching through the archives for his name that I've known this knucklehead for 5 years. We've been through some ups and downs. I don't know what's going to happen. He said he wants to be friends. I don't think we can but I will try.
Reading those old posts are bringing it all back....

happy and sad

i'm super happy to be going to houston. i arrive 11:59 on this thursday evening and its amazing that trish has been generous enough to help me with a ticket and open her doors to me (and my pooch)...who does that?? thank you!!!

this trip has been the light at the end of the tunnel for me because there are so many things making me sad here. i'm going to try and balance the happy with the sad.

happy
louie (i changed the spelling of his name) is so sweet and he listens to commands. he peed on my floor and i told him to go! and he went...lol.

sad
aussie and i were supposed to hang out last night. i told myself ...i would not confirm the date nor would i cook because i want to see his intentions. i am usually the one confirming our meet-ups just because i am super type a all the time and i always have a hot meal waiting for him. i was kind of OVER aussie anyway because we were also supposed to hang out on friday at his house which he conveniently misunderstood as us meeting at my house. i've known this dude for 3 years and i still haven't been invited to his house. something is fishy. so..anyways,i did compromise and agree to meet at my house on sunday because i wanted to see him before i left for houston and i really just needed a hug and a kiss. you know..some affection. but not really sex cuz that ish is PAINFUL right now.

anyways....sunday, i get a text from him asking, "what's for dinner?"
me: ?
aussie: oh ok then
me: you're welcome to bring something
aussie: i don't have anything (umm, what does that mean?)
me: so, you going home first?
aussie: i don't have food at home. (IS IT MY RESPONSIBILITY TO FEED YOU?)
me: so, what do you want to do?
aussie: idk
me: ok, let me know.

did he indeed let me know? NO. I actually called him today and he didn't pick up.

HOW RUDE!

so, i went through the motions: angry then sad. hoping indifference would be next.
its not about being stood up...its about me not providing a need for him and him going ghost. ugh! i don't even want to talk about it anymore. i knew better. i deserve better and i'm just not going to go backwards anymore.

sn: how you gonna be on facebook talking about.."call you anything but broke" and all this other shit and you don't even have money for food. you can't even bring over some chinese to my house. i bet if i said all this shit about how i can do splits and cartwheels in the bedroom and then when it came down to it, said i was celibate, i'd get into some serious trouble. OVER IT.

happy
i went IN on my makeup today. i looked really nice.

sad.
my job.
is killing me.
as wynsters says all the time, "i need a grown up job with a grown up salary."
i got picked on hella hard today and was threateneed to be sent home if i don't keep my white lab coat clean.
firstly, WHO THE FUCK gives someone who works with makeup all day a white lab coat? THEN, i'm expected to clean dust, get stock from a dirty stock room and do all this foolishness in a white lab coat.
PLEASE SEND ME FUCKING HOME. Jerk.
oh yea...AND my nails are hunter green when they're supposed to be clear, pink or red. I really want to be like "Fuck OFf!"

i'm so tired. i'm so tired. i'm so tired.
i gotta make some major changes.

happy.
we danced yesterday in church and people are giving us rave reviews.

sad.
bff is lost in the baby sauce.
chick doesn't respond to texts/phone calls until days later. i called her on friday and am still waiting for a response (monday night)...smh.
i want to ask her to take me to the airport on thursday but honestly, walking to the airport seems like an easier option. like, by the time, i'd get a yes or a no...i'll already be in houston or be looking for a ride back home from the airport.
i'm kind of over that situation too.
we're just 2 different people. i always reach out to the people around me. i couldn't really be in a bubble like that...not unless i purposefully did so and that would mean serious depression.its just annoying.



happy.
i'm pretty sure i have first world problems and it could be worse. i'm blessed.

Plenty of Fish?

The hardest question to ask and answer is....what do I want?
Probably because when we answer it and acquire what we thought the answer was, we go on and want something else.

The last 2 years of working was spent with me wanting to be job-less freelancing around the city operating in my passion.
2 years of unemployment freelancing and I just wanted a job.
I have a job and I want to be on unemployment again just chilling. Well, that's not exactly right. I'm not exactly sure what I want professionally but you get the point.

So, I'm asking myself...What do I want?
In relation to the upcoming year. In relation to my upcoming meetup with Aussie.

I feel like I'm at a turning point in my life. I feel the gravity of every decision I make.

Do I want to be with Aussie?

I keep asking all the married couples I know about the logistics of marriage, their reasons for entering into the institution and so forth.
The main question I ask is...was th decision made out of practicality or passion?
Aussie and I have passion. I'm burning with it but is it practical to look to build something with him?

When I ask myself that the answer frightens me. In many ways, he reminds me of my father. Whoa.
The same gruff manner. The same adoration of me. The same willingness to provide.

In the back of my mind I wonder if I'm just settling. I never saw myself with someone who resembled my dad. I always say myself with some artist type with a lot of degrees and crazy hair.

If you ask Aussie why he wants to be with me...he will tell you its because I'm nice, I can cook and I shag like a minx.

If you ask me why I want to be with him. Its because he listens to me, he makes me laugh and he shags like a jackhammer. lol

I don't trust him because he's lied to me in the past (out of shame of his living situation) and he's hot. Girls throw their panties at him.

Tomorrow, I'm praying it doesnt rain. I want to sit and picnic with him and have a deep discussion about love and such. I want to see where his head is at.

I'm thinking marriage. Not right away of course but in 2 - 3 years. I never thought about getting married as a little girl. Or teen. Or adult. All of a sudden, that's all I think.
Who knows...maybe he doesn't even want to be with me. Maybe he just wants sex.

Reminisce Over You

I search for his name on FB every 6 months or so hoping he's joined. On Monday, I searched for him absent-mindedly and I actually saw that he finally started an FB page.

AUSSIE.

I friend-requested him which he immediately accepted. We passed messages back and forth then texts and then he called me tonight.

It felt like old times. Good times. I told him I want to see him and offered to cook him dinner. He requested tacos. His birthday is next month. WHY did he say he wanted to go to a strip club. I told him I'd take him but maybe he should go with his boys. O.O

Of course talk turned to US and what happened and such. He explained some of the "lies" I suspected he told me. The reason he told me those lies were because he was embarassed of why he couldn't do the things he wanted to do. I told him those lies are what broke us up.

Gosh talking to him, laughing with him, making fun of each other made me miss him. Made me forget all the bad times.

Thank God for blogs. Really helps jog the memory.

Read up on Aussie from the beginning from blog posts November 2008 to December 2008.
We actually met on November 1, 2008. How convenient is that! lol

We tried again in January of 2009. You can read how that all went (toward the middle - end of the month)
We re-connected last summer here. It ended like this.

He's trying to tell me that he's changed. He's matured. He's different. OY! Should I even go back there?

Where's Your Head At?

Mine is in so many places right now. Last week, my brother was supposed to come up from South Carolina. I told him I was feeling overwhelmed about the grandma situation and that his coming and staying for a week would help me out. Needless to say, he didn't show and hasn't returned my phone calls.

You know how you just know when someone is going to let you down? He constantly does and I always give him the benefit of the doubt that he won't.

*le sigh*

Today is Day 3 of an 18-day fast I'm on. I was sitting in church on Sunday and I swear, God spoke to me plain as day telling me to go on this fast. I knew it had to be Him because I've never stuck to a fast for more than a few hours.

This one is: no soda, no artificial juices, no alcohol, only fruit and veggies, and only 1 meal after 5pm.

Pepsi is my crutch. No lie. I must drink at least 2 bottles a day. I'm not that hungry during the day really...I just crave stuff like Lil Debbie pies, Blow Pops, Laffy Taffy, omg! Doritos!!!

The first 2 days were fine. Today, I felt sick to my stomach and sour in my mouth. I was miserably counting down the minutes til 5pm. Even after I ate, I still felt sick.

I'm still on it though. I think my body needs to detox. My lower back hurts like hell which probably means kidney problems (hereditary) and I don't have insurance to investigate. Gotta figure something out.

Gi is pregnant. She seems happy. Her baby father is going to give her problems. I can tell. He's not the most stand-up guy but she wanted a baby. I know she did and she feels she can do it alone so...*shrug* I check in on her and I'll do what I can for her. She's 6 weeks in. I really wish her the best!

BFF is still with Punjabi. He gave her a car. The car is pretty ummm...funny. It looks pretty on the outside. Its just the driver's side window doesn't go down, the security system is faulty. Stuff like that but she's happy and it gets her from home to school which is really what she needed.

The same thing is going on in my love department. The dudes that excite me are with gorgeous women and the ones who low-key repulse me are at it.

Oh yea, so Aussie and I spoke probably around the time the last post was...he says, we don't work because I don't try. That really pissed me off bc I feel like I try too much. Yadda yadda. So, my phone breaks...I was on my old phone for a week. Didn't have his #. He doesn't call or text me. I get a replacement. Find his #. Text him

"Life is funny. Isn't it?"

He calls me. Says, his ex is stalking him. He changed his # (to his current one that I had). She got a restraining order against him (lying on him.) She called him and text him. He got locked up for violating the restraining order. His grandma had to pay $2400 for his bail. She called and text him again. He almost got arrested again but he had proof she was abusing the system. So, in the midst of all of that...he didn't want to get me involved by calling or texting and have her get my info and harass me.

Part of me believes it. Part of me is like whatever. I'm D-O-N-E!
There's always a story. There's always some drama. I don't need it. Jaded's words kept ringing in my head, "Don't you ever get frustrated by how much it just doesn't work out?"

The answer is yes.

I'm falling back and I'm letting whomever court me. Fuck it.

Other than that, my social calendar is full. My work calendar has some slots booked. I'm trying to wade through my emotional turmoil to be productive.

I will check in with you guys soon.

Bisous!
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

etrange amour

I'm learning French so a lot of my titles/what I say will be in that langugage, fyi

Aussie called me yesterday. I did makeup for a wedding. The bride was happy and glowing. My money was on time with a lil extra....sweet. Anywhosies, he called me while I was waiting to begin the makeup. Clearly, I couldn't talk but I could tell he was sad about something. He refused to tell me what it was but...
but...
but....

My heart broke a little bit. There he was, sad or depressed and I couldn't do anything to help him out and then boom...here I go, sucked in a bit more actually WANTING to help him, almost needing him to lean on me a little bit because I (dare I say) LIKE him???

*gasp*

Its not killing me that I can't speak to him until Friday when his phone gets turned back on or that I don't know his address to (y'know) randomly show up at his house or that he can only speak to me for about 10 minutes at a time while he's at work...its just mildly annoying.

I mean, what does one DO with these feelings?

I suppose we can have a relationship but what does that even mean?

I've decided that I want to move to Bermuda at the end of the Summer. Maybe, late September...soooooooo.......do I play now and then forget him once Labor Day hits? Who needs the heartache?

I was eavesdropping on a conversation these two girls were having on the train. One girl was telling the other that her boyfriend was moving to Europe at the end of the summer. She met him last month and she really likes him and she didn't see the harm in having him as her boyfriend now even though he's leaving. I want to take stock in her thinking but it kind of sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Also, there are some other dudes I kind of have my eye on as well. So, do I play the field and keep Aussie at bay or do I go all in with him....**sigh**

I wish I could talk to him...like really really talk to him.

I was thinking about him...and men in general and how men lie because they're afraid they're not going to get the sex. I kind of just want to look him in the eye and tell him to give it to me straight...no fancy words...no promises...just tell me what he wants and why he wants it. I can handle hearing "I just want to fuck because I'm bored." I can deal with it. I just don't want to be lied to because it all comes out in the wash.

I don't want to invest feelings in some bullshit because...really..haven't we all?

eh-trahnge ah-mour