I've been trying to climb out of my hole of depression lately.
I haven't told anyone how I've been feeling because seriously, I need professional help.
All last week I was in a dark dark place.
Dark enough to where I started planning my suicide and obituary.
Bad.
And so, I decided to seek professional help.
And the mental health system in NYC is so fucked.
I called around to speak to someone. Everywhere you call, you have to make an appointment.
The place closest to me that is free to low cost, I called to make an appointment. Its just one lady. I left her a message. She called me back days later while I was at work. I called her back an hour later. Let's see when she calls me.
I seriously could be dead right now.
If you guys have been reading this blog for a while, you know I've struggled with depression since I was a teenager. They didn't really know what it was back then. Now, it has a name. I've just come to grips with the fact that yeah...maybe I can't handle this shit on my own.
Hopefully, the lady will call me back before I have another destructive episode.
I always know when I'm on the decline when my space starts looking crazy.
My apartment is so disheveled. Papers and clothes everywhere.
No food really because depressives dont eat.
I was talking to a coworker and I told her that I have to force myself to eat because if I don't, I still wont feel hungry but I will get a raging headache and I'd feel light-headed. She was like....why dont you eat? I told her a story like...oh yea, I just don't feel hungry.
Anyways...I made a promise to myself to fight for my life. I have been doing that with all the strength I have in my body. I've been reminding myself of who would miss me when I'm gone. Who will take care of my dog? Who will find me? Shit like that. Sometimes, doing that makes it possible to live just another day. All last week, it was literally ONE DAY AT A TIME.
Even if you're not depressed, trying to date in NYC will make you want to end it all.
>>>joke<<<<
I've been on OkCupid a lot lately. I went on a date with a guy and he was awesome on paper - loves to travel, stable job, car, no kids, super supportive of me. He was my height when I met him in person. Like..seriously, 5"3. and thin, It was so awkward hugging him. I felt like a gorilla.
I'm trying to be positive about my dating life.
I feel like...if I look at the last few people that I've dated...its getting better.
Since dating Aussie who was not as smart and didn't make as much money as me.
I've dated Claude who is smart, educated, has a house and money but had a small penis and no ambition.
Then I had a sexual relationship with Kevon who was all the things Claude was but had a big penis but couldn't kiss. What 40 year old man can't kiss? YUCK!
Then there was Max who had everything K had except a house but whoa..passion.
Then Wiley who has a car, apt, college education, career but is boring as fuck. Like, made me want to sleep talking to him. (no sex)
The dude I talked about who was short.
And now this dude who seems really cool. His name is K. He's a teacher He's funny and smart and actually calls. We'll see what happens.
I'm still planning on going to Miami in March but I feel like at least my prospects are looking better.This song has been speaking to me when it comes to relationships.
Like...the next time I fall in love, it has to make me feel better.. Yes!!!
Showing posts with label boys are toys. Show all posts
Showing posts with label boys are toys. Show all posts
Monday, September 15, 2014
Sunday, February 16, 2014
pieces
things are not remotely back to normal but i feel myself fighting my way back to some sort of happiness.
i was having...fun with best i ever had and i asked him what he wants in life as far as a relationship goes.
he didn't say it out right but he would be content to be alone for the rest of his life.
he wouldn't mind having more children but he said he wants no relationship of any kind.
i am not content where things are.
i love his body and how he makes me feel but i want more
not with him
but with someone else
i don't want a piece of anyone else anymore.
with claude i got the piece of the relationship where he took me out.
with carlos, i had the piece that was my rock. my listening ear.
with bieh, i have the sex.
i want all of that rolled into one.
which i know isn't very likely but i want to get it as close as possible.
i'm not content to be in a demi-relationship. i want it all.
i was talking to bieh about a friend s. s was a virgin until she was 28.
one night, she met this dude and decided to give it up.
why? because she was just tired of waiting for the right guy.
so, she settled
dude did a hit and run....on a virgin.
emotional trauma x 10000.
i told her....if you could wait..past high school..past the pressure of college...past the pressure of grad school...why that dude? did he deserve it?
no. he didn't.
i feel like that about my next bf.
i feel like that about claude. he didn't deserve all i did for him.things i didn't blog. so, why that dude?
because i got tired of waiting.
like s, i cheated myself.
i don't want to cheat myself again.
waiting sucks though.
i was at bff's house with my mom looking at her new baby and my goddaughter.
bff told my mom to give me 4 years.
my mom said..maybe nina will never have kids.
she's given up hope.
wtf mom?
anyway, i'm tired and i'm rambling but...
that's where i am.
waiting and hoping for the right guy.
in the meantime, i'm working on myself.
because when that guy comes along, i want to be a whole person
because that's what i want for myself.
i'm tired of picking up broken pieces
shards of a man,
trying to love him.
getting cut in the process.
i was having...fun with best i ever had and i asked him what he wants in life as far as a relationship goes.
he didn't say it out right but he would be content to be alone for the rest of his life.
he wouldn't mind having more children but he said he wants no relationship of any kind.
i am not content where things are.
i love his body and how he makes me feel but i want more
not with him
but with someone else
i don't want a piece of anyone else anymore.
with claude i got the piece of the relationship where he took me out.
with carlos, i had the piece that was my rock. my listening ear.
with bieh, i have the sex.
i want all of that rolled into one.
which i know isn't very likely but i want to get it as close as possible.
i'm not content to be in a demi-relationship. i want it all.
i was talking to bieh about a friend s. s was a virgin until she was 28.
one night, she met this dude and decided to give it up.
why? because she was just tired of waiting for the right guy.
so, she settled
dude did a hit and run....on a virgin.
emotional trauma x 10000.
i told her....if you could wait..past high school..past the pressure of college...past the pressure of grad school...why that dude? did he deserve it?
no. he didn't.
i feel like that about my next bf.
i feel like that about claude. he didn't deserve all i did for him.things i didn't blog. so, why that dude?
because i got tired of waiting.
like s, i cheated myself.
i don't want to cheat myself again.
waiting sucks though.
i was at bff's house with my mom looking at her new baby and my goddaughter.
bff told my mom to give me 4 years.
my mom said..maybe nina will never have kids.
she's given up hope.
wtf mom?
anyway, i'm tired and i'm rambling but...
that's where i am.
waiting and hoping for the right guy.
in the meantime, i'm working on myself.
because when that guy comes along, i want to be a whole person
because that's what i want for myself.
i'm tired of picking up broken pieces
shards of a man,
trying to love him.
getting cut in the process.
Friday, January 17, 2014
another one bites the dust...
i tried to make it work with claude.
I did.
I have to break things off.
he does nothing for me except buy me meals.
no sexual satisfaction.
no physical satisfaction
not even the satisfaction of having someone call me on the phone or call me beautiful or anything.
I have a text buddy who takes me out on dates when I insist and lasts 3 minutes in bed.
so, why am I trying to hold on to something that is dead?
i'm so frustrated with life right now. I just don't even know what to do.
I did.
I have to break things off.
he does nothing for me except buy me meals.
no sexual satisfaction.
no physical satisfaction
not even the satisfaction of having someone call me on the phone or call me beautiful or anything.
I have a text buddy who takes me out on dates when I insist and lasts 3 minutes in bed.
so, why am I trying to hold on to something that is dead?
i'm so frustrated with life right now. I just don't even know what to do.
Saturday, January 4, 2014
feeling feelings
i've been thinking a lot.
being snowed in alone can do that to a person.
carlos gives me flutters and makes me want to fall in love with him.
i think about breaking up with claude every week.
why?
i feel like something isnt right and i'm not one to ignore those feelings.
what if i'm wrong?
my birthday is in exactly 1 month.
shit.
Saturday, December 21, 2013
Fuck RomComs!
So it seems I never talked about this dude I met on POF. He is one of the last dudes I met before I just abandoned ship. I shall call him Carlos. Carlos and I met in late July and have been talking ever since. At the time, he was living in Panama.
I know, weird.
He was working on his PhD, studying abroad in Spain when his funding fell through. He didn't want to come home (to Brooklyn, where I also live - just in case ya didn't know) so he went to live with an aunt in Panama for a year.
Awesome not awesome.
Well, we met and talked and it was cool. He kept saying how he was coming home and being the cynical bitch I am, I was like..yeah, right. But he did!! In September. And I was all like...oh yea, we're totally going to be a couple. We talked every day and we did some "show me yours, i'll show you mine" via Skype and the vibes were vibing. Then.....he came home and it was like...oh shit, he needs a job and a cell phone and a place to live.
Being the macho latin man that he is, he did not ask me to help but I felt weird inviting him out to places and him not having money or being strapped for cash so we didn't hang out.
until October. and it was a cheap date and it was fun.
I know, weird.
He was working on his PhD, studying abroad in Spain when his funding fell through. He didn't want to come home (to Brooklyn, where I also live - just in case ya didn't know) so he went to live with an aunt in Panama for a year.
Awesome not awesome.
Well, we met and talked and it was cool. He kept saying how he was coming home and being the cynical bitch I am, I was like..yeah, right. But he did!! In September. And I was all like...oh yea, we're totally going to be a couple. We talked every day and we did some "show me yours, i'll show you mine" via Skype and the vibes were vibing. Then.....he came home and it was like...oh shit, he needs a job and a cell phone and a place to live.
Being the macho latin man that he is, he did not ask me to help but I felt weird inviting him out to places and him not having money or being strapped for cash so we didn't hang out.
until October. and it was a cheap date and it was fun.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
Sak Pase
Tonight I had my first date from OkCupid. It was with an older guy. His name is Claude. He's Haitian, 39 years old He'll be 40 on Dec 21st...less than a month away. He works in web development and dreams of settling down in the next 5 years in the Caribbean.
He's everything I would want in a man that I can see so far....he's chivalrous, funny, smart (although the grammar is lacking with your vs you're) and he has enough money where he's comfortable....
why is that of note?
because for the past 10 years, I've been dating actors, musicians and vagabonds....lol
it's nice to be taken care of and not worry.
we ate at a Haitian restaurant Wynsters put me on to. they had a live band. we ate and yelled at each other over the music. after we ate, I sat next to him in the booth and we cuddled.
ok....he's a big guy. I generally like big guys. being a big girl, they make me feel small. I asked him about change.
so far, with the vegan diet, I've lost about 15lbs. I plan on losing about 50- 80 more lbs. by this time next year. which would put me somewhere between a size 6-8. i'm a size 16 now. basically, i'm going to be half my size and I wanted to know if he would be comfortable with me changing. I know you can be attracted to one thing and as that changes...the intial thing youre attracted to changes and you're left like...wtf? he said he doesn't like extremes...he likes curvy girls with meat on their bones but not too big where they can't get out of bed. he has been known to like smaller women but not too skinny where if he hugs them they will break.
as I was sitting there I was thinking about Dragon and how I love his body. He naturally is slim with 6-pack abs. I was thinking about the rest of my life. I could make Claude fall in love with me. By this time, I know what to say and how to act. I also know he wants to get married again and possibly have another child.
Looking at him, I know if I play my cards right, I will be able to get what I want from him, get married and be comfortable and he would be happy and faithful to me.
but, i'm going to be hot and what if the sex with him is whack? will I be happy?i could get a hot dude with a banging body but will that dude treat me right?
am I settling?
also, there is a chance (a slight one) that I could just sit down and be this size for the rest of my life..this is just me overthinking...let me just live in the moment and enjoy it for what it is....
as we left the restaurant, he wanted to get a cab because he didn't want to wait on the train. it was so cold outside. as we were walking looking for a cab, we flagged one down. he was like..i'm on my way to get a $50 fare.
claude was like....I got $50, that's nothing...you taking us to where we need to go.
get in nina.
so, we get in and the driver is like...yo, I told my man kirk I was on my way.
claude said, fuck kirk.
I laughed. damn, you so Brooklyn.
all day baby...he said
so, we're driving to my house and kirk calls and the cab driver says he's on his way to the bridge...he's in the middle of Brooklyn and he's going deeper in to drop claude off.
I said, this is why you don't trust black people when you call them and ask them where they are.
everyone laughed.
claude had his hands on my thigh and he pulls me close and we make out.
pink's "sober" was playing in the background and I remember twin told me that whatever song is playing when you first kiss is your song.
funny funny.
anyway...he just texted me, "I like you."
I told him he was corny.
i'm so good at this love stuff
unrelated...this song makes me wants to hump someone's son
He's everything I would want in a man that I can see so far....he's chivalrous, funny, smart (although the grammar is lacking with your vs you're) and he has enough money where he's comfortable....
why is that of note?
because for the past 10 years, I've been dating actors, musicians and vagabonds....lol
it's nice to be taken care of and not worry.
we ate at a Haitian restaurant Wynsters put me on to. they had a live band. we ate and yelled at each other over the music. after we ate, I sat next to him in the booth and we cuddled.
ok....he's a big guy. I generally like big guys. being a big girl, they make me feel small. I asked him about change.
so far, with the vegan diet, I've lost about 15lbs. I plan on losing about 50- 80 more lbs. by this time next year. which would put me somewhere between a size 6-8. i'm a size 16 now. basically, i'm going to be half my size and I wanted to know if he would be comfortable with me changing. I know you can be attracted to one thing and as that changes...the intial thing youre attracted to changes and you're left like...wtf? he said he doesn't like extremes...he likes curvy girls with meat on their bones but not too big where they can't get out of bed. he has been known to like smaller women but not too skinny where if he hugs them they will break.
as I was sitting there I was thinking about Dragon and how I love his body. He naturally is slim with 6-pack abs. I was thinking about the rest of my life. I could make Claude fall in love with me. By this time, I know what to say and how to act. I also know he wants to get married again and possibly have another child.
Looking at him, I know if I play my cards right, I will be able to get what I want from him, get married and be comfortable and he would be happy and faithful to me.
but, i'm going to be hot and what if the sex with him is whack? will I be happy?i could get a hot dude with a banging body but will that dude treat me right?
am I settling?
also, there is a chance (a slight one) that I could just sit down and be this size for the rest of my life..this is just me overthinking...let me just live in the moment and enjoy it for what it is....
as we left the restaurant, he wanted to get a cab because he didn't want to wait on the train. it was so cold outside. as we were walking looking for a cab, we flagged one down. he was like..i'm on my way to get a $50 fare.
claude was like....I got $50, that's nothing...you taking us to where we need to go.
get in nina.
so, we get in and the driver is like...yo, I told my man kirk I was on my way.
claude said, fuck kirk.
I laughed. damn, you so Brooklyn.
all day baby...he said
so, we're driving to my house and kirk calls and the cab driver says he's on his way to the bridge...he's in the middle of Brooklyn and he's going deeper in to drop claude off.
I said, this is why you don't trust black people when you call them and ask them where they are.
everyone laughed.
claude had his hands on my thigh and he pulls me close and we make out.
pink's "sober" was playing in the background and I remember twin told me that whatever song is playing when you first kiss is your song.
funny funny.
anyway...he just texted me, "I like you."
I told him he was corny.
i'm so good at this love stuff
unrelated...this song makes me wants to hump someone's son
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
insomnia and online dating.
I've been battling the most gnarly insomnia. night after night, I struggle with the thought of taking some sleep-inducing drug or actually trying to go at it the natural way.
on my days off, I do it naturally and I don't get some zzz's until about 5am when I've tossed and turned the pounds off. maybe my brain knows something I don't. there's definitely work that I could be doing - some writing or tweeting or something I could be getting done.
alas, i'm sleepless in Brooklyn.
maybe, I'll change the name of this blog to that....
anyway......i'm trying my hand at the online dating pool again.
okcupid.
because pof is a cesspool of douche.
okc has been ok so far. I've been talking to 3 dudes. 1 of whom is a residual from pof. 2 of which are whack. their communication skills....so whack. and I don't have it in me to make up stimulating conversation so I just do the fade out. perpetual small talk son...ugh!
lack of stimulating conversation means to me that you just want to bang and my booty buddy is knocking the spiderwebs out quite nicely.
speaking of which, I masturbated to the thought of being with him last night. I've never done that with a partner before. (that was too much, wasn't it?)
i'm also getting into this phase where I give no fucks what people think. maybe because people around me give no fucks what I think...good and bad.
so fuck it.
this is moi!
the 3rd is a gem I think. he will be 40 on his birthday next month. whoa.
I know.
and has expressed that he wants a wife.
which freaks me out because my credit is shitty and I never thought someone would really actually want to wife me and live with me and have to see my gorgeous face everyday.
maybe because the mothalovas I've been meeting lately can't even commit to a damn date much more than a lifetime of spooning every night with me.
so...i'm a little afraid and skeptical....because if he just wants to bone, that position is filled.
anyway, i'm supposed to have a date with him on black Friday. which is good and bad. good because he wants to meet me within less than a week of actually talking to each other. bad because it's black Friday and I work in retail and I fucking hate people. and that day is going to be hell but maybe having a date will give me something to look forward to....either way...i'll let you know how it goes.
and we'll see if he survives the date to give him a codename.
on my days off, I do it naturally and I don't get some zzz's until about 5am when I've tossed and turned the pounds off. maybe my brain knows something I don't. there's definitely work that I could be doing - some writing or tweeting or something I could be getting done.
alas, i'm sleepless in Brooklyn.
maybe, I'll change the name of this blog to that....
anyway......i'm trying my hand at the online dating pool again.
okcupid.
because pof is a cesspool of douche.
okc has been ok so far. I've been talking to 3 dudes. 1 of whom is a residual from pof. 2 of which are whack. their communication skills....so whack. and I don't have it in me to make up stimulating conversation so I just do the fade out. perpetual small talk son...ugh!
lack of stimulating conversation means to me that you just want to bang and my booty buddy is knocking the spiderwebs out quite nicely.
speaking of which, I masturbated to the thought of being with him last night. I've never done that with a partner before. (that was too much, wasn't it?)
i'm also getting into this phase where I give no fucks what people think. maybe because people around me give no fucks what I think...good and bad.
so fuck it.
this is moi!
the 3rd is a gem I think. he will be 40 on his birthday next month. whoa.
I know.
and has expressed that he wants a wife.
which freaks me out because my credit is shitty and I never thought someone would really actually want to wife me and live with me and have to see my gorgeous face everyday.
maybe because the mothalovas I've been meeting lately can't even commit to a damn date much more than a lifetime of spooning every night with me.
so...i'm a little afraid and skeptical....because if he just wants to bone, that position is filled.
anyway, i'm supposed to have a date with him on black Friday. which is good and bad. good because he wants to meet me within less than a week of actually talking to each other. bad because it's black Friday and I work in retail and I fucking hate people. and that day is going to be hell but maybe having a date will give me something to look forward to....either way...i'll let you know how it goes.
and we'll see if he survives the date to give him a codename.
Monday, November 11, 2013
Best I Ever Had
(see previous post for some bullshit men dealings)
(This is a post where I talk about a night of sex explicitly. NSFW)
I'd been texting this guy for a couple of days. We met online and he'd made it apparent that he didn't want a relationship of any kind. He just wanted to hang out with a cool chick. Since I'm dating a few guys and I thought Corey and I were on the up and up, I thought...why not? Sometimes, you need someone to fill your time and inbox.
After the whole Corey debacle, I thought, why not give Dragon a try. (You'll see why his name is Dragon in a second) They say the best way to get over 1 man is to get under another and boy they were right!
I took a cab to Puff's house and he met me outside to pay for it. Opening my door, I didn't really know what to expect. I'm awkward...most of the time, but he was cool as a cucumber. Once inside, he got me some red wine and we watched football which I groaned about for a minute.
He turned off the sound (lol) and we sat face to face on his bed Indian-style and we talked. It turns out we both traveled to some of the same places: Vegas, London, Paris, Amsterdam....and we swapped stories. His skin is amazing. It's smooth and shiny and I just liked looking at him.
He got me another glass of wine which I watched him pour (no roofies, lol) and he joked about wanting to jump me. I asked why not? and he I turned to look at the TV. When I turned around to him, he kissed me this wet, sloppy kiss.
and it was on!
he turned on some music. this song was first and it actually became the pre-cursor for the night.
He laid me on my on back (ever so gently - Biggie reference) on the bed and took off my bra with one hand (talented fella) and proceeded to kiss up and down my body. After, he went back and sucked and nibbled on my breasts. I'm a bit nervous about my eczema and dry skin but he was awesome, saying he suffers from eczema too and he understood. He bit and nibbled on my belly pouch....lol.
and made his way down to my kitty. He licked and sucked on her until she purred. I was shaking like a leaf when he held me briefly and then stood up, taking off his pants.
I did my part, sucking and licking on him until he pulled away, not wanting to end the encounter too soon. He put on a condom and laid on top of me, entering me slowly, I moaned and he growled.
He is big.
I don't get much sex so I'm tight but it felt so good.
He was gentle and so aware of whether or not he was hurting me.
He is one of the few lovers I've had that was so in tune with my body. Each thrust of his, I met with my own and usually, I kegel during sex because my muscles get relaxed and I stop feeling the guy. This time, my body was kegeling on its own out of pleasure.
He said it felt like a fist was clenching him. (in a good way)
He came in the right amount of time. not too fast and not too slow...pounding away until I was ready to tap out. He got a hot cloth and washed my kitty.
He began massaging my body and telling me how beautiful it is...he spooned me and we just talked, He told me about his daughter, his mom's passing and how he was in a car accident and was technically dead for about 30 minutes.
Round 2.
I called him the Dragon..Puff, the Magic Dragon.
It was abruptly cut short because I got a little dry but he fixed it by starting up my engines again. His tongue is a lethal weapon. I came so hard and then he wrapped up and entered me again.
Round 3.
*Fireworks and birds singing.*
Afterwards, he washed me again. Idk why he does this but I let him and he likes it. *shrug*
I mean..is that a thing?
He told me he was done. I'd worn him out. He'd been looking for a girl like me...someone who was cool and he was sexually compatible with - that he could hang with both in the sack and outside. We lay spooning, watching Law and Order and I don't know..something in me wasn't done yet.
Enter Round 4.
He wasn't as done as he thought he was. *evil giggle*
Each time was amazing.
I'm surprised I could walk. It was 5 hours of bliss. I took a cab home and took the most wonderful hot shower and fell asleep.
I can't wait to see him again.
(This is a post where I talk about a night of sex explicitly. NSFW)
I'd been texting this guy for a couple of days. We met online and he'd made it apparent that he didn't want a relationship of any kind. He just wanted to hang out with a cool chick. Since I'm dating a few guys and I thought Corey and I were on the up and up, I thought...why not? Sometimes, you need someone to fill your time and inbox.
After the whole Corey debacle, I thought, why not give Dragon a try. (You'll see why his name is Dragon in a second) They say the best way to get over 1 man is to get under another and boy they were right!
I took a cab to Puff's house and he met me outside to pay for it. Opening my door, I didn't really know what to expect. I'm awkward...most of the time, but he was cool as a cucumber. Once inside, he got me some red wine and we watched football which I groaned about for a minute.
He turned off the sound (lol) and we sat face to face on his bed Indian-style and we talked. It turns out we both traveled to some of the same places: Vegas, London, Paris, Amsterdam....and we swapped stories. His skin is amazing. It's smooth and shiny and I just liked looking at him.
He got me another glass of wine which I watched him pour (no roofies, lol) and he joked about wanting to jump me. I asked why not? and he I turned to look at the TV. When I turned around to him, he kissed me this wet, sloppy kiss.
and it was on!
he turned on some music. this song was first and it actually became the pre-cursor for the night.
He laid me on my on back (ever so gently - Biggie reference) on the bed and took off my bra with one hand (talented fella) and proceeded to kiss up and down my body. After, he went back and sucked and nibbled on my breasts. I'm a bit nervous about my eczema and dry skin but he was awesome, saying he suffers from eczema too and he understood. He bit and nibbled on my belly pouch....lol.
and made his way down to my kitty. He licked and sucked on her until she purred. I was shaking like a leaf when he held me briefly and then stood up, taking off his pants.
I did my part, sucking and licking on him until he pulled away, not wanting to end the encounter too soon. He put on a condom and laid on top of me, entering me slowly, I moaned and he growled.
He is big.
I don't get much sex so I'm tight but it felt so good.
He was gentle and so aware of whether or not he was hurting me.
He is one of the few lovers I've had that was so in tune with my body. Each thrust of his, I met with my own and usually, I kegel during sex because my muscles get relaxed and I stop feeling the guy. This time, my body was kegeling on its own out of pleasure.
He said it felt like a fist was clenching him. (in a good way)
He came in the right amount of time. not too fast and not too slow...pounding away until I was ready to tap out. He got a hot cloth and washed my kitty.
He began massaging my body and telling me how beautiful it is...he spooned me and we just talked, He told me about his daughter, his mom's passing and how he was in a car accident and was technically dead for about 30 minutes.
Round 2.
I called him the Dragon..Puff, the Magic Dragon.
It was abruptly cut short because I got a little dry but he fixed it by starting up my engines again. His tongue is a lethal weapon. I came so hard and then he wrapped up and entered me again.
Round 3.
*Fireworks and birds singing.*
Afterwards, he washed me again. Idk why he does this but I let him and he likes it. *shrug*
I mean..is that a thing?
He told me he was done. I'd worn him out. He'd been looking for a girl like me...someone who was cool and he was sexually compatible with - that he could hang with both in the sack and outside. We lay spooning, watching Law and Order and I don't know..something in me wasn't done yet.
Enter Round 4.
He wasn't as done as he thought he was. *evil giggle*
Each time was amazing.
I'm surprised I could walk. It was 5 hours of bliss. I took a cab home and took the most wonderful hot shower and fell asleep.
I can't wait to see him again.
Friday, April 5, 2013
real or game?
me and the frenchman was supposed to go on a date but trouble struck at his job and he didn't get home til 11.
he asked to see me that late.
me being the savvy lady i am said for him to meet me at work for lunch tomorrow or sunday, i'm off. he's off.
he danced around for a bit and said he'd probably see me for lunch. sunday is his day to sleep all day. he says it's the one day for himself. i get it. i've known him a week. i'm not trying to make him change his life...but, eventually...sundays are going to be mine...*evil laugh*
i think he's infatuated by me...he thinks i'm beautiful and smart and he wants another "taste" but he keeps reminding me that he doesn't just wasnt 1 night or just a sexual relationship. he's told me so much that it isn't reassuring me...it's making me question.
and i don't want to do that..overthink things.
but, i don't want to get my hopes up and get all starry eyed because i don't think i can handle another disappointment. i want to protect my heart but i don't want to be jaded.
what do i do?
i hate all this damn uncertainty
he danced around for a bit and said he'd probably see me for lunch. sunday is his day to sleep all day. he says it's the one day for himself. i get it. i've known him a week. i'm not trying to make him change his life...but, eventually...sundays are going to be mine...*evil laugh*
i think he's infatuated by me...he thinks i'm beautiful and smart and he wants another "taste" but he keeps reminding me that he doesn't just wasnt 1 night or just a sexual relationship. he's told me so much that it isn't reassuring me...it's making me question.
and i don't want to do that..overthink things.
but, i don't want to get my hopes up and get all starry eyed because i don't think i can handle another disappointment. i want to protect my heart but i don't want to be jaded.
what do i do?
i hate all this damn uncertainty
Sunday, March 31, 2013
weirdest date ever
(this is going to be a long one...get your coffee and muffin and sit down...lol)
I was on my way home from work, standing at the bus stop freezing my booty off when I see this man walk by. He had a huge smile on his face and was staring at me. He walked by and I shook my head and laughed. A few seconds later, he came back and called me to the side to talk to me.
I never talk to anyone in the street.
I was hesitant but he was persistent and we exchanged numbers.
The first thing I noticed...the French accent. I asked if he was African and he said..."Close, I'm from Guadeloupe."
Side note: Every time I think of Guadeloupe, I think of canteloupe...because they're spelled so similarly.
Anyway, it is a Caribbean island owned by France..he seemed really nice but I hadn't heard from him and I got stood up by Aussie (again) so I decided to call him...I think his name will be The Frenchman. Which kind of makes me chuckle because it makes me think of the guy from The Matrix.
But he's black and isn't such an asshole....but still.
Anyway, The Frenchman called me and it turned out we were doing anything that day, so we decided to hang out that evening at 6:30.
At around 4, I text him to see what the plan was. He said 8:30, to meet him at my old high school - the neutral point between our two houses. Cool.
As I'm about to leave, I text him the obligatory, "I'm leaving"...he told me he was running about 20 minutes late.
I get a little annoyed..at what point was he going to tell me this? When I was standing by the school in the cold? Ok, so I'm there at 8:50...he said he was on his way...(more annoyance from me)...
I see this guy walking towards me that looked very similar to him except he looked CRAZYPANTS!
I whip out my phone and call him. Thank God Crazypants didn't answer. He told me we were going to walk to a spot about 6 blocks away. He had to pick up a bag before they closed and they weren't open on Sundays and he had to be at work early on Monday.
Okay..I'm thinking it's a small bag. Where do we walk up to? A LAUNDROMAT. He had to pick up his laundry....All I could do was laugh. He called a cab. And I'm thinking..oh shit, we're going to his house..which of course, makes me uncomfortable...
We call a cab. He opens the door and lets me in (cool points) and he runs to the other side. We take a short ride to his house...which is NICE. He has a 62' TV...smh and a 3-bedroom all for himself. When you walk in, you think it's like a studio but then there's this hallway and 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms...O.O.
SO, we're siting in his living room watching some random thing on the TV and I'm like...Ok.....where are we going..(in my head, I'm like...I didn't put on heels to sit in your house)...
He apologized. He was waiting for his friend who was supposed to have called him an hour prior. He plays in a live band and it was going on somewhere but he didn't know where.
So, Plan B was to hit up one of my favorite chill spots in Brooklyn...a wine bar called Therapy.
He had to get cash so we could take a cab, so we walked to an ATM and then I realized that the bar was only a few blocks away..so, I said we could walk...which is big of me (and my heels)..lol
So, we walked and it was nice and cozy. He doesn't drink but I had a grapefruit-infused white wine...it was sooo delicious...just the right amount of sweet and we talked and talked.
He's a smart cookie. Besides French, he speaks Russian as he stayed in St. Petersburg for a year. When he moved to America, he picked up fluent English in 8 months. He's lived all over the States and he has a degree in Economics which he got from an American college, but works as a fire safety director for a building in the city.He also has a few side businesses like he just started a cleaning company in the city and he had a restaurant in Brooklyn that someone else bought out and he might want to restart it.
I was like SHIT! Dude has it all together...
So, why did he stop for me in the street? He said, he could tell I had a very calm spirit,. I was just minding my business not trying to make trouble for myself and then when he smiled at me, I smiled back and it was the most beautiful thing he'd seen.
We sat next to each other and I felt super comfortable with him. He revealed that his birthday is just 2 days before mine. I have a fascination with man hands...I looked at his and they were nice. His nails were short and clean. He looked at my palm as I looked at his. He says.."Our palms look the same...you know what that means? It means, I'm going to marry you." I laughed. I had a big costume jewelry ring on my left hand. "Let me take this off so you can get me a better one." He remarked that he liked my hands as well so I didn't feel like such a weirdo. We just talked and talked until the 2nd glass of wine made me sleepy and we walked to his apartment.
As we walked, he grabbed my hand. As he said something, he turned to me...and kissed me.
"You're so sweet. I don't want this to be a one-time thing. I want to be with you for a while. I've been so lonely. I'm a loner. I have friends but I'm not close to many people. My family is in Guadeloupe. I just want a wife."
I came into the whole situation without expectations..just going with the flow..so, I said I don't see why not...in the back of my head I'm like...he could just be blowing smoke...
We get to his house...I sit down and take off my shoes which were burning my the soles of my feet. He uses the bathroom. On the TV (he keeps it on when he's out), is the first 48 and they're talking about a woman getting murdered. He starts kissing me on my neck. I'm not freaked out but I'm like..THIS is what we're watching? lol
He hugs me and is like..."Oh, I'm in Heaven. I haven't been with a woman in a long time..I don't think I know what to do..."
He turns off the TV and lays me down on his couch and kisses me and starts touching me..things progress a little...he kisses and sucks on my breasts...we go to the bedroom. He takes off my jeans and underwear and puts on a condom.
He does like 3 pumps...and gets up..
WTF?!
I couldn't help myself. I wanted a little taste but I don't want to go too far.
I'm thinking...you're already in there...you might as well finish the job.
I say, I want more...He says..no, if we really go in..your head is going to be all fucked up. I don't want that.
Fine. I get dressed. He calls me a cab and gives me money for it. I'm not sure what to think of it. I do know the French are very expressive..they tell you how they feel but one thing's for sure...he's not a normal guy. We'll see where this goes. I don't have stars in my eyes. I'm a little tired of the dating scene...so, if this doesn't work out...I'll be hanging up my hat for a while. I do have a few guys I'm talking to online...so all my eggs aren't in one basket.
We'll see...
I was on my way home from work, standing at the bus stop freezing my booty off when I see this man walk by. He had a huge smile on his face and was staring at me. He walked by and I shook my head and laughed. A few seconds later, he came back and called me to the side to talk to me.
I never talk to anyone in the street.
I was hesitant but he was persistent and we exchanged numbers.
The first thing I noticed...the French accent. I asked if he was African and he said..."Close, I'm from Guadeloupe."
Side note: Every time I think of Guadeloupe, I think of canteloupe...because they're spelled so similarly.
Anyway, it is a Caribbean island owned by France..he seemed really nice but I hadn't heard from him and I got stood up by Aussie (again) so I decided to call him...I think his name will be The Frenchman. Which kind of makes me chuckle because it makes me think of the guy from The Matrix.
Anyway, The Frenchman called me and it turned out we were doing anything that day, so we decided to hang out that evening at 6:30.
At around 4, I text him to see what the plan was. He said 8:30, to meet him at my old high school - the neutral point between our two houses. Cool.
As I'm about to leave, I text him the obligatory, "I'm leaving"...he told me he was running about 20 minutes late.
I get a little annoyed..at what point was he going to tell me this? When I was standing by the school in the cold? Ok, so I'm there at 8:50...he said he was on his way...(more annoyance from me)...
I see this guy walking towards me that looked very similar to him except he looked CRAZYPANTS!
I whip out my phone and call him. Thank God Crazypants didn't answer. He told me we were going to walk to a spot about 6 blocks away. He had to pick up a bag before they closed and they weren't open on Sundays and he had to be at work early on Monday.
Okay..I'm thinking it's a small bag. Where do we walk up to? A LAUNDROMAT. He had to pick up his laundry....All I could do was laugh. He called a cab. And I'm thinking..oh shit, we're going to his house..which of course, makes me uncomfortable...
We call a cab. He opens the door and lets me in (cool points) and he runs to the other side. We take a short ride to his house...which is NICE. He has a 62' TV...smh and a 3-bedroom all for himself. When you walk in, you think it's like a studio but then there's this hallway and 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms...O.O.
SO, we're siting in his living room watching some random thing on the TV and I'm like...Ok.....where are we going..(in my head, I'm like...I didn't put on heels to sit in your house)...
He apologized. He was waiting for his friend who was supposed to have called him an hour prior. He plays in a live band and it was going on somewhere but he didn't know where.
So, Plan B was to hit up one of my favorite chill spots in Brooklyn...a wine bar called Therapy.
He had to get cash so we could take a cab, so we walked to an ATM and then I realized that the bar was only a few blocks away..so, I said we could walk...which is big of me (and my heels)..lol
So, we walked and it was nice and cozy. He doesn't drink but I had a grapefruit-infused white wine...it was sooo delicious...just the right amount of sweet and we talked and talked.
He's a smart cookie. Besides French, he speaks Russian as he stayed in St. Petersburg for a year. When he moved to America, he picked up fluent English in 8 months. He's lived all over the States and he has a degree in Economics which he got from an American college, but works as a fire safety director for a building in the city.He also has a few side businesses like he just started a cleaning company in the city and he had a restaurant in Brooklyn that someone else bought out and he might want to restart it.
I was like SHIT! Dude has it all together...
So, why did he stop for me in the street? He said, he could tell I had a very calm spirit,. I was just minding my business not trying to make trouble for myself and then when he smiled at me, I smiled back and it was the most beautiful thing he'd seen.
We sat next to each other and I felt super comfortable with him. He revealed that his birthday is just 2 days before mine. I have a fascination with man hands...I looked at his and they were nice. His nails were short and clean. He looked at my palm as I looked at his. He says.."Our palms look the same...you know what that means? It means, I'm going to marry you." I laughed. I had a big costume jewelry ring on my left hand. "Let me take this off so you can get me a better one." He remarked that he liked my hands as well so I didn't feel like such a weirdo. We just talked and talked until the 2nd glass of wine made me sleepy and we walked to his apartment.
As we walked, he grabbed my hand. As he said something, he turned to me...and kissed me.
"You're so sweet. I don't want this to be a one-time thing. I want to be with you for a while. I've been so lonely. I'm a loner. I have friends but I'm not close to many people. My family is in Guadeloupe. I just want a wife."
I came into the whole situation without expectations..just going with the flow..so, I said I don't see why not...in the back of my head I'm like...he could just be blowing smoke...
We get to his house...I sit down and take off my shoes which were burning my the soles of my feet. He uses the bathroom. On the TV (he keeps it on when he's out), is the first 48 and they're talking about a woman getting murdered. He starts kissing me on my neck. I'm not freaked out but I'm like..THIS is what we're watching? lol
He hugs me and is like..."Oh, I'm in Heaven. I haven't been with a woman in a long time..I don't think I know what to do..."
He turns off the TV and lays me down on his couch and kisses me and starts touching me..things progress a little...he kisses and sucks on my breasts...we go to the bedroom. He takes off my jeans and underwear and puts on a condom.
He does like 3 pumps...and gets up..
WTF?!
I couldn't help myself. I wanted a little taste but I don't want to go too far.
I'm thinking...you're already in there...you might as well finish the job.
I say, I want more...He says..no, if we really go in..your head is going to be all fucked up. I don't want that.
Fine. I get dressed. He calls me a cab and gives me money for it. I'm not sure what to think of it. I do know the French are very expressive..they tell you how they feel but one thing's for sure...he's not a normal guy. We'll see where this goes. I don't have stars in my eyes. I'm a little tired of the dating scene...so, if this doesn't work out...I'll be hanging up my hat for a while. I do have a few guys I'm talking to online...so all my eggs aren't in one basket.
We'll see...
Thursday, March 28, 2013
the dream of being loved by you.
my mom lost her job yesterday.
whoa.
all these questions have popped up. she's seeing this as her opportunity to move to charlotte and of course, she wants me to move down there with her.
drama.
i was supposed to hang out with aussie today. didn't work. his child's mother was supposed to pick up their daughter but she was a no show.
fuck.
i hate dealing with men with children. i know, it sucks to say but it adds a whole 'nother level of shit you don't need. what can you do? she's here. she's not going anywhere....
he told me to "stick around this time."
i'm so spoiled when it comes to men or maybe i've just been alone too long. i want things to be my way. i want you when i want you. i want you when i call. i want things my way.
i don't know if i can stick it out with anyone....but i am hungry. starving for something i can't quite put my finger on.
love? attention?
*sigh*
whoa.
all these questions have popped up. she's seeing this as her opportunity to move to charlotte and of course, she wants me to move down there with her.
drama.
i was supposed to hang out with aussie today. didn't work. his child's mother was supposed to pick up their daughter but she was a no show.
fuck.
i hate dealing with men with children. i know, it sucks to say but it adds a whole 'nother level of shit you don't need. what can you do? she's here. she's not going anywhere....
he told me to "stick around this time."
i'm so spoiled when it comes to men or maybe i've just been alone too long. i want things to be my way. i want you when i want you. i want you when i call. i want things my way.
i don't know if i can stick it out with anyone....but i am hungry. starving for something i can't quite put my finger on.
love? attention?
*sigh*
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Boys Boys Boys Pt 4
The whole thing with Clinton made me realize that the picture that we made inadvertently was something that I did want and I was only fooling myself by saying that I didn't.
I ran into this guy...let's call him Chris.
Chris seemed like a nice guy so I let him take me on a date. We went to Lasagna in Chelsea. The food was good but it was weird to be there on a straight date because they had Drag Race playing on the TV. I was distracted. We had good conversation, I made him laugh and feel at ease since he seemed to be really nervous. I think it was my beauty (lol). The date was decent.
He wanted the night to go on but 1. we just ate dairy and I didn't know how my stomach was going to fare. It could get super ugly. 2. I realized halfway through that there were no sparks between us.
We hugged goodbye and said we'd do something the next night.
The next day, however, I left my phone home and missed his call and texts. I felt bad.
I told him what'd happened and he took it as rejection. It was pretty much downhill from there. He just needed more confidence.
I do not like sensitive guys.
I don't want to have to console you on stupid shit. So...long story short, I think I could've been into him if he'd had more confidence but his lack of it, turned me from being halfway off to all the way off...he was a nice guy, though.
Late one night, I couldn't sleep and I had to be at work super early, I pulled out the POF app on my phone and logged on. I did my search and started hitting people up, y'know just shaking the tree to see if a coconut falls down.
I started talking to about 5 guys...It was nuts.
One guy was from my neighborhood and acted all rude when I didn't want to give him my address.
EXCUSE ME, sir. I don't even know your last name...why should I be so inclined to tell you where I am right now? Ixnay
Down to 4
This one Haitian dude kept sending me rapid fire messages with one question in them. The first message asked for my phone number so he could text me. Stupid me, I complied. Then the next 6 messages were crazy like...why didn't you answer my last question...DUDE! Ixnay
Down to 3
The next dude seemed really cool. I sent him my phone number because the app really does suck your battery. He gave me his and said he'd be waiting for me to text him.
Ummm......
Be a fucking man! If a girl gives you her number, you text her. I thought it was really gay to say to a woman..and I quote.. "Here's my number. I'll be waiting..."
That's pretty fucking gay...
Whatever, I waited a day. Saw he really wasn't going to text me and I texted him. The conversation wasn't even that...It was me asking him getting to know you questions and him just answering. I was taught that a conversation was just like tennis. You throw the ball back and forth. You answer and ask a question so that the person knows that you're engaged. Am I wrong??
Whatever. Ixnay. ....pussy.
2....
He was a Bronx guy. Being from Brooklyn....people outside of BK, Manhattan and Queens...it's a no-go...too damn far. If you don't drive, Queens is a frickin hike.
He was a smart ass and he kept me on my toes. Here is where we got a little tricky.
a. He criticized women wearing makeup. He doesn't get it.
Now...I'm a makeup artist. Do you really think that's going to work? I understand the whole...women should be natural thing....but then men want girls that look like Beyonce who (no matter what her publicist says...) always wears makeup, is in heels, has a weave and a personal trainer to look fab all the time. Give me a fucking break.
b. He was like....I'd like to give you a try. Excuse me? Am I the 1 month free trial from Netflix? He meant sexually...and I played dumb like I didn't know what he meant and he just stopped contacting me.
NEXT!
I ran into this guy...let's call him Chris.
Chris seemed like a nice guy so I let him take me on a date. We went to Lasagna in Chelsea. The food was good but it was weird to be there on a straight date because they had Drag Race playing on the TV. I was distracted. We had good conversation, I made him laugh and feel at ease since he seemed to be really nervous. I think it was my beauty (lol). The date was decent.
He wanted the night to go on but 1. we just ate dairy and I didn't know how my stomach was going to fare. It could get super ugly. 2. I realized halfway through that there were no sparks between us.
We hugged goodbye and said we'd do something the next night.
The next day, however, I left my phone home and missed his call and texts. I felt bad.
I told him what'd happened and he took it as rejection. It was pretty much downhill from there. He just needed more confidence.
I do not like sensitive guys.
I don't want to have to console you on stupid shit. So...long story short, I think I could've been into him if he'd had more confidence but his lack of it, turned me from being halfway off to all the way off...he was a nice guy, though.
Late one night, I couldn't sleep and I had to be at work super early, I pulled out the POF app on my phone and logged on. I did my search and started hitting people up, y'know just shaking the tree to see if a coconut falls down.
I started talking to about 5 guys...It was nuts.
One guy was from my neighborhood and acted all rude when I didn't want to give him my address.
EXCUSE ME, sir. I don't even know your last name...why should I be so inclined to tell you where I am right now? Ixnay
Down to 4
This one Haitian dude kept sending me rapid fire messages with one question in them. The first message asked for my phone number so he could text me. Stupid me, I complied. Then the next 6 messages were crazy like...why didn't you answer my last question...DUDE! Ixnay
Down to 3
The next dude seemed really cool. I sent him my phone number because the app really does suck your battery. He gave me his and said he'd be waiting for me to text him.
Ummm......
Be a fucking man! If a girl gives you her number, you text her. I thought it was really gay to say to a woman..and I quote.. "Here's my number. I'll be waiting..."
That's pretty fucking gay...
Whatever, I waited a day. Saw he really wasn't going to text me and I texted him. The conversation wasn't even that...It was me asking him getting to know you questions and him just answering. I was taught that a conversation was just like tennis. You throw the ball back and forth. You answer and ask a question so that the person knows that you're engaged. Am I wrong??
Whatever. Ixnay. ....pussy.
2....
He was a Bronx guy. Being from Brooklyn....people outside of BK, Manhattan and Queens...it's a no-go...too damn far. If you don't drive, Queens is a frickin hike.
He was a smart ass and he kept me on my toes. Here is where we got a little tricky.
a. He criticized women wearing makeup. He doesn't get it.
Now...I'm a makeup artist. Do you really think that's going to work? I understand the whole...women should be natural thing....but then men want girls that look like Beyonce who (no matter what her publicist says...) always wears makeup, is in heels, has a weave and a personal trainer to look fab all the time. Give me a fucking break.
b. He was like....I'd like to give you a try. Excuse me? Am I the 1 month free trial from Netflix? He meant sexually...and I played dumb like I didn't know what he meant and he just stopped contacting me.
NEXT!
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Boys Boys Boys Pt 2
So, I'd met Clinton in junior high. I didn't know him well but we reconnected a few years ago because of course...I'm a makeup artist. He's a photographer.
Chad had stood me up on one of those jaunts where "he didn't have his phone" and I'd planned on going to a friend's birthday party. I said, fuck it. One monkey don't spoil no show...I went looking super sexy. There were weird people at the party and Clinton was my boyfriend for the night.
Fast forward to January.
One random night, I invited him over for tacos and Love Jones.
Random Fact: I've never watched the entire movie with a man that I was dating. I feel like once that happens, I will just marry the guy...lol
Halfway through, I sat on Clinton's lap. We started kissing and it was a wrap.
The first time you sleep with someone usually sucks. It was good but then I'm so tight that the friction from the my tightness and the latex in the condom just didn't jibe and we had to stop.
It was about 2 weeks before I was set to leave.
I have had a crush on The Nigerian's friend for a long time. What was the last you heard The Nigerian pop up? Mmkay? Anyway, he knows I hate TN but we're still friends. Let's call him Matt. He had a pajama party for his housewarming. I'm thinking...oooh super sexy pajamas. I show up in a slinky sexy robe, lace slip, garters on and 4 inch black patent leather pumps. It's his cousins and they're in flannel pajamas.
*record scratch*
There was 1 girl who had the same idea and we huddled together in the corner and had intellectual conversation to prove we aren't sluts. As the night progressed, his male cousins came and it was time for me to GO.
I came back about a week later and we watched a movie, hung out and watched Silver Linings Playbook. There's a scene where Jenifer Lawrence slaps the shit out of Bradley Cooper.
I look at him with a glint of light in my eye. He instinctively scoots away from me. But, there's this tension. Suddenly, he asks me what type of woman am I sexually...how adventurous am I? I tell him about the bathroom thing with Chad and I had sex in a restaurant before....and the tension builds and builds.
Out of nowhere, I was talking and he just grabs me and starts kissing me like his world is ending. Like...grabs my face and holds me so I can't move and I feel all his strength and I was so taken aback. I'd never seen that side of him before.
After, the kiss, we just watch the movie like nothing happened.
His hand is on my knee. My hand is on his thigh and then I straddel him. He rocks me back and forth kissing me, holding me in this crazy embrace. He gets a phonecall. His roommate/cousin comes home.
Okay.
His cousin/roomie goes into his room and keeps his door open. His room faces the living room. We stare at each other...the other not knowing what to do.
I say...are we going to finish what we started?
Matt grabs my hand and takes me into his room where we have glorious sexy time. Again, he's not packing a lot either but he knew what he was doing. He knows how to handle a woman.
Now that I think of it, every time a man asks me to watch a movie, my panties end up coming off...smh
It's late and I don't feel like going home even though it's only a few blocks away. I really should've gone home. His bed was the best thing about the night. It was big and he had fuzzy sheets. He kept music on all night. We didn't cuddle and he had to get up at like 5am.
I didn't get much sleep and it was my day off.
We talked after and we're still friends. After The Nigerian and the whole DK debacle, I vowed no more Africans. I wouldn't mind playing in the sack with him but anything else would be too much.
More boy tales...
Chad had stood me up on one of those jaunts where "he didn't have his phone" and I'd planned on going to a friend's birthday party. I said, fuck it. One monkey don't spoil no show...I went looking super sexy. There were weird people at the party and Clinton was my boyfriend for the night.
Fast forward to January.
One random night, I invited him over for tacos and Love Jones.
Random Fact: I've never watched the entire movie with a man that I was dating. I feel like once that happens, I will just marry the guy...lol
Halfway through, I sat on Clinton's lap. We started kissing and it was a wrap.
The first time you sleep with someone usually sucks. It was good but then I'm so tight that the friction from the my tightness and the latex in the condom just didn't jibe and we had to stop.
It was about 2 weeks before I was set to leave.
I have had a crush on The Nigerian's friend for a long time. What was the last you heard The Nigerian pop up? Mmkay? Anyway, he knows I hate TN but we're still friends. Let's call him Matt. He had a pajama party for his housewarming. I'm thinking...oooh super sexy pajamas. I show up in a slinky sexy robe, lace slip, garters on and 4 inch black patent leather pumps. It's his cousins and they're in flannel pajamas.
*record scratch*
There was 1 girl who had the same idea and we huddled together in the corner and had intellectual conversation to prove we aren't sluts. As the night progressed, his male cousins came and it was time for me to GO.
I came back about a week later and we watched a movie, hung out and watched Silver Linings Playbook. There's a scene where Jenifer Lawrence slaps the shit out of Bradley Cooper.
I look at him with a glint of light in my eye. He instinctively scoots away from me. But, there's this tension. Suddenly, he asks me what type of woman am I sexually...how adventurous am I? I tell him about the bathroom thing with Chad and I had sex in a restaurant before....and the tension builds and builds.
Out of nowhere, I was talking and he just grabs me and starts kissing me like his world is ending. Like...grabs my face and holds me so I can't move and I feel all his strength and I was so taken aback. I'd never seen that side of him before.
After, the kiss, we just watch the movie like nothing happened.
His hand is on my knee. My hand is on his thigh and then I straddel him. He rocks me back and forth kissing me, holding me in this crazy embrace. He gets a phonecall. His roommate/cousin comes home.
Okay.
His cousin/roomie goes into his room and keeps his door open. His room faces the living room. We stare at each other...the other not knowing what to do.
I say...are we going to finish what we started?
Matt grabs my hand and takes me into his room where we have glorious sexy time. Again, he's not packing a lot either but he knew what he was doing. He knows how to handle a woman.
Now that I think of it, every time a man asks me to watch a movie, my panties end up coming off...smh
It's late and I don't feel like going home even though it's only a few blocks away. I really should've gone home. His bed was the best thing about the night. It was big and he had fuzzy sheets. He kept music on all night. We didn't cuddle and he had to get up at like 5am.
I didn't get much sleep and it was my day off.
We talked after and we're still friends. After The Nigerian and the whole DK debacle, I vowed no more Africans. I wouldn't mind playing in the sack with him but anything else would be too much.
More boy tales...
Boys Boys Boys
This year, so far, I've slept with 2 people, have dated 4 or 5 and am currently plotting on someone to be my boyfriend.
I'm busy. lol
Where do we begin?
Chad. I met Chad on match dot com.
Whoa. Match was a huge waste of my cotdamn time. Seriously, they charged me the amount for my left titty and the same dudes from POF are on there. Chad was trouble. He was an amateur body builder and he was so complimentary of me...oh, you're so beautiful. hi gorgeous...y'know.
It was....nice. lol...what? I'm vain.
Anyway, first date. We ate at a Peruvian restaurant that we happened to stumble upon. He was all over me. His kisses were nice. His hands were like an octopus, man. I really had to take a step back and be like...woosaahhhhh.
We held hands and walked around the city. He walked me home and we kissed in front of my apartment. This ninja tried to come up. (of course, he tried) and I said no, although my panties were wet. lol.
Well, we went from texting all day everyday to me not hearing from him for almost a week.
He came back, saying.....he had to take his phone to get fixed. He didn't have it.
Mmmkay. *skeptical look*
But he really wanted to see my beautiful face and so I let him take me to the movies.
In the middle of Flight, he started rubbing on me and things got hot and heavy and he started fingering me in the theatre.
Yes, because we are 14 years old.
I'm hanging my head in shame.
After the movie ends, we're hanging around the theatre kissing like teenagers. He pulls me into the bathroom and we proceed to have sex.
*GASP*
Ok, so my count was off in the beginning of the post. That makes 3 people I slept with this year....but I don't really think this should count...WHY???
Well...
His penis was the size of my index finger in length and girth. I was sooo sad. He had the sexiest abs, arms and chest. I could really have kissed each part of him except the fun stick because everything else was nice and big and delicious. Ok..so, his penis is small...that's fine...he can make up for it by his tongue or his fingers or sheer stamina. He works out everyday, he can work out by trying to make me climax....
Yo, he lasted for a good minute. If that. I think we got in 5 pumps and that was it. I know the look on my face was like...REALLY??? I don't use the 'n' word but that was one instance, I really wanted to.
But, he was really loving and sweet after and the first part of the story was hot and so I rolled with it.
Then, I didn't hear from him for 3 days again.
And then he pops up like nothing happened.
DUDE....to the left...to the left...Ain't nobody got time for the shenanagins.
So, that was that.
He was nice to look at.
Oh...and then he popped up again on WWF while I was in London and I beat him by 300 points. He was cute but had like 1 marble rolling around in his head.
I'm busy. lol
Where do we begin?
Chad. I met Chad on match dot com.
Whoa. Match was a huge waste of my cotdamn time. Seriously, they charged me the amount for my left titty and the same dudes from POF are on there. Chad was trouble. He was an amateur body builder and he was so complimentary of me...oh, you're so beautiful. hi gorgeous...y'know.
It was....nice. lol...what? I'm vain.
Anyway, first date. We ate at a Peruvian restaurant that we happened to stumble upon. He was all over me. His kisses were nice. His hands were like an octopus, man. I really had to take a step back and be like...woosaahhhhh.
We held hands and walked around the city. He walked me home and we kissed in front of my apartment. This ninja tried to come up. (of course, he tried) and I said no, although my panties were wet. lol.
Well, we went from texting all day everyday to me not hearing from him for almost a week.
He came back, saying.....he had to take his phone to get fixed. He didn't have it.
Mmmkay. *skeptical look*
But he really wanted to see my beautiful face and so I let him take me to the movies.
In the middle of Flight, he started rubbing on me and things got hot and heavy and he started fingering me in the theatre.
Yes, because we are 14 years old.
I'm hanging my head in shame.
After the movie ends, we're hanging around the theatre kissing like teenagers. He pulls me into the bathroom and we proceed to have sex.
*GASP*
Ok, so my count was off in the beginning of the post. That makes 3 people I slept with this year....but I don't really think this should count...WHY???
Well...
His penis was the size of my index finger in length and girth. I was sooo sad. He had the sexiest abs, arms and chest. I could really have kissed each part of him except the fun stick because everything else was nice and big and delicious. Ok..so, his penis is small...that's fine...he can make up for it by his tongue or his fingers or sheer stamina. He works out everyday, he can work out by trying to make me climax....
Yo, he lasted for a good minute. If that. I think we got in 5 pumps and that was it. I know the look on my face was like...REALLY??? I don't use the 'n' word but that was one instance, I really wanted to.
But, he was really loving and sweet after and the first part of the story was hot and so I rolled with it.
Then, I didn't hear from him for 3 days again.
And then he pops up like nothing happened.
DUDE....to the left...to the left...Ain't nobody got time for the shenanagins.
So, that was that.
He was nice to look at.
Oh...and then he popped up again on WWF while I was in London and I beat him by 300 points. He was cute but had like 1 marble rolling around in his head.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
coping mechanisms
this week was pure stress getting my grandmother's arrangements together.
i can't even tell you all that goes into making sure a loved one is sent away properly but i will say at the end of it all, we made sure that she had a dignified service and burial. i couldn't have done it without my mom.
my brother, the youngest one is 31 years old. he might as well be 13. he did really nothing to help and complained the entire time while me and my mom are running wild trying to get things done he's like... i'm hungry. i'm sleepy. i'm blah blah blah. we were in the car: me, mom and bro and we're trying to get my grandmother's clothes together that she was going to be buried in and the entire car ride, he complained. i looked in him his eyes and i said as loud as i could, SHUT UP! i really wanted to throw the f-bomb in there but my mom was around. he kept touching me..hugging me and playing with my hair and stuff....for like 2 days straight. i don't particularly like to be touched. so, i was like STOP TOUCHING ME! she was like...you're so mean. on another ocassion, when she first told me about my grandmother dying....i didn't cry. my reaction was pure business like....ok, what do we have to do? she was like, why are you so cold?
so, i'm cold and mean.
and pretty much everyone concurred.
but they did also add that i'm polite.
i'm polite as a motherfucker.
if that's any consolation.
(it's not)
people don't understand that grief shows itself in many ways. and, i don't get how they want me to be weepy and inconsolable one minute but be on top of the arrangements and keep it together the next.
my mother called me a robot.
yea, i'm a robot that couldn't sleep at night, woke up crying when i did and basically felt the weight of a $7,000 funeral on my shoulders.
needless to say...it was a rough week, man.
my brothers and aunt left hours ago.
brock had been texting me all weekend to come over and fuck him. i decided that....having sex with dk was a great coping mechanism when my gma first died. it made me forget about the stress and emotional turmoil at least for the night. he held me tight and i got the best sleep i'd had all week.
as soon as they left, i called brock and went over to his house.
it is a really nice house.
i didn't get a tour. i came in through the back door which led straight to his bedroom.
we sat and talked about music for like 5 minutes and then he kissed me.
brock's lips are twice the size of mine and they are awesome. he did everything really well.
his penis is not as large as dk's but he knows how to work it better. he was adventurous and he worked my ass like a rag doll. it was good.
but then, he mentioned earlier that he had a work call at 9. we finished at 8:45ish. he asked me how i was getting home because of his call and such.
so, i put on my clothes and called a cab. he didn't even wait with me while the cab came.
i feel kind of empty inside...something i never felt after sex with dk.
he cuddles me and we talk and he insists that i spend the night. i've never really had sex and bounced immediately afterward.
i called dk when i got home and i wanted to talk to him but i got a feeling he didn't want to talk to me. he was like..
dk: how was your week?
me: crazy...yours?
dk: mine was good. why was it crazy?
me: i buried my grandmother.
dk: oh yea, how was that?
me:: i'll call you back later.
how was burying my grandmother?
it was freakin awesome!!!
how can someone be so tender and yet so clueless at the same time?
i want brock's sex game with dk's cuddle sessions and the ability to feel comfortable talking.
and dates. lots and lots of dates......
i was talking to my aunt about men because she asked me why don't i have a bf. i said, i'm sick of games. i'm too old to be wasting my time on dead-end relationships. i want a family.
my aunt is almost 50. she's dating a younger man, he's 42. she was talking to me about the same shit i blog about. she said...26, 32, 42, 60...they all do the same shit.
how depressing is that!!?!
my friends were all over the place this week. i felt very much alone 90% of the time. i guess i just need to get used to it. grandma's best friend is still alive. they weren't holding hands in the casket. born alone. die alone yes? yes.
i can't even tell you all that goes into making sure a loved one is sent away properly but i will say at the end of it all, we made sure that she had a dignified service and burial. i couldn't have done it without my mom.
my brother, the youngest one is 31 years old. he might as well be 13. he did really nothing to help and complained the entire time while me and my mom are running wild trying to get things done he's like... i'm hungry. i'm sleepy. i'm blah blah blah. we were in the car: me, mom and bro and we're trying to get my grandmother's clothes together that she was going to be buried in and the entire car ride, he complained. i looked in him his eyes and i said as loud as i could, SHUT UP! i really wanted to throw the f-bomb in there but my mom was around. he kept touching me..hugging me and playing with my hair and stuff....for like 2 days straight. i don't particularly like to be touched. so, i was like STOP TOUCHING ME! she was like...you're so mean. on another ocassion, when she first told me about my grandmother dying....i didn't cry. my reaction was pure business like....ok, what do we have to do? she was like, why are you so cold?
so, i'm cold and mean.
and pretty much everyone concurred.
but they did also add that i'm polite.
i'm polite as a motherfucker.
if that's any consolation.
(it's not)
people don't understand that grief shows itself in many ways. and, i don't get how they want me to be weepy and inconsolable one minute but be on top of the arrangements and keep it together the next.
my mother called me a robot.
yea, i'm a robot that couldn't sleep at night, woke up crying when i did and basically felt the weight of a $7,000 funeral on my shoulders.
needless to say...it was a rough week, man.
my brothers and aunt left hours ago.
brock had been texting me all weekend to come over and fuck him. i decided that....having sex with dk was a great coping mechanism when my gma first died. it made me forget about the stress and emotional turmoil at least for the night. he held me tight and i got the best sleep i'd had all week.
as soon as they left, i called brock and went over to his house.
it is a really nice house.
i didn't get a tour. i came in through the back door which led straight to his bedroom.
we sat and talked about music for like 5 minutes and then he kissed me.
brock's lips are twice the size of mine and they are awesome. he did everything really well.
his penis is not as large as dk's but he knows how to work it better. he was adventurous and he worked my ass like a rag doll. it was good.
but then, he mentioned earlier that he had a work call at 9. we finished at 8:45ish. he asked me how i was getting home because of his call and such.
so, i put on my clothes and called a cab. he didn't even wait with me while the cab came.
i feel kind of empty inside...something i never felt after sex with dk.
he cuddles me and we talk and he insists that i spend the night. i've never really had sex and bounced immediately afterward.
i called dk when i got home and i wanted to talk to him but i got a feeling he didn't want to talk to me. he was like..
dk: how was your week?
me: crazy...yours?
dk: mine was good. why was it crazy?
me: i buried my grandmother.
dk: oh yea, how was that?
me:: i'll call you back later.
how was burying my grandmother?
it was freakin awesome!!!
how can someone be so tender and yet so clueless at the same time?
i want brock's sex game with dk's cuddle sessions and the ability to feel comfortable talking.
and dates. lots and lots of dates......
i was talking to my aunt about men because she asked me why don't i have a bf. i said, i'm sick of games. i'm too old to be wasting my time on dead-end relationships. i want a family.
my aunt is almost 50. she's dating a younger man, he's 42. she was talking to me about the same shit i blog about. she said...26, 32, 42, 60...they all do the same shit.
how depressing is that!!?!
my friends were all over the place this week. i felt very much alone 90% of the time. i guess i just need to get used to it. grandma's best friend is still alive. they weren't holding hands in the casket. born alone. die alone yes? yes.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
call me
sooooooo....i was sick this week where i left early because i was nauseous and light-headed. my period in the month of june was so SERIOUS. i also had cramps that had me keeled over feeling crazy. anyways, i went to the store with my phone, keys and money. when i got home, i had a bag from the store, my keys and change.
my manager at work said she wants a hysterectomy but they refuse to do it because there's no medical reason. she said the medical reason is that she can't handle her period. she's in her mid 30s and childless. she said..."i don't care. cut it out of me. if i want a kid, i'll buy one." - i totally understand
where my phone went? i have no clue.
the insurance company sent the new phone literally the next day but i don't have certain people's numbers...like....brock.
brock is the nonstarter dude from the last post. i really didn't have a strong desire to talk to him. i just wanted the attention, if we're being honest. he's in houston for the week. he comes back today (sunday). i facebooked him that i didn't have his number. he hasn't called me yet. lame.
i began calling random numbers on my phone bill and i accidentally dialed trini's number. awkward. and dk's number. super awkward.
trini, as soon as i realized it was him, i awkwardly was like...ok, bye. and hung up.
dk, i didn't realize it until i heard his voice on his vm and i left a weird message like...i called by accident. *nervous laugh* umm, sorry.
he text me saying he didn't want me to think he was angry with me and that he wants to know how i am doing.
i was like..ok, call me when u can. so, he did. while i was at work.
i got nervous because honestly, i think there was something there with dk. i might love him. i'm not sure. and, i didn't want to break up. but.....yea, so, when he called i was like i'm at work,. i'll call u later. i dropped the phone when i was on the escalator and the sim card fell in a crack. tmobile's system was down and they couldnt get my phone back online until late.
i called him late. we caught up. it was nice. i really want to talk about what happened between us but slow and steady, right?
my manager at work said she wants a hysterectomy but they refuse to do it because there's no medical reason. she said the medical reason is that she can't handle her period. she's in her mid 30s and childless. she said..."i don't care. cut it out of me. if i want a kid, i'll buy one." - i totally understand
where my phone went? i have no clue.
the insurance company sent the new phone literally the next day but i don't have certain people's numbers...like....brock.
brock is the nonstarter dude from the last post. i really didn't have a strong desire to talk to him. i just wanted the attention, if we're being honest. he's in houston for the week. he comes back today (sunday). i facebooked him that i didn't have his number. he hasn't called me yet. lame.
i began calling random numbers on my phone bill and i accidentally dialed trini's number. awkward. and dk's number. super awkward.
trini, as soon as i realized it was him, i awkwardly was like...ok, bye. and hung up.
dk, i didn't realize it until i heard his voice on his vm and i left a weird message like...i called by accident. *nervous laugh* umm, sorry.
he text me saying he didn't want me to think he was angry with me and that he wants to know how i am doing.
i was like..ok, call me when u can. so, he did. while i was at work.
i got nervous because honestly, i think there was something there with dk. i might love him. i'm not sure. and, i didn't want to break up. but.....yea, so, when he called i was like i'm at work,. i'll call u later. i dropped the phone when i was on the escalator and the sim card fell in a crack. tmobile's system was down and they couldnt get my phone back online until late.
i called him late. we caught up. it was nice. i really want to talk about what happened between us but slow and steady, right?
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Updates
(Written 4/26)
Damn...every time I have a long absence, I feel like" its imperative to say how sorry I am and vow to not for it again. I'm like an abusive boyfriend or something.
What has happened since the last time I wrote in this space....hmmmm
ATL told me he doesn't want a long-distance relationship and then back-pedaled away from me so quickly, it made my head spin. He was gone for a weekend before I was like...oh hell nawl. We've been speaking but it is definitely not the same.
I had given up on PoF when this really cute guy emailed me. His username was his full name...means he has nothing to hide. His message wasn't overly superfluous with how beautiful I am or what he would do to try to get to know me. It was simple.
Except, I got the message about 3 weeks after he'd sent it. ATL said it was all about timing. He was right because 3 weeks ago, I was into someone else and probably wouldn't have paid the note any attention.
Anyway, he is sweet, smart, funny and he's.....naive in a way. He's 25. He'll be 26 in June. And...I like him.
He rocks out to classical music. Who does that? I'm going to call him CB for Church Boy. He literally stays in church 4 days out of the week. His dad is the pastor of his church. His life is the life I ran away from. (Pseudo-introducing ER before our first date)
I went on a date with this guy I met while facilitating the Octavia Butler workshop. I'm going to call him White J. If you've seen the awkward black girl series on YouTube, you know to what I'm referring. If not, go and watch. Hella funny!
Anyway, White J is cool. He just doesn't do it for me. I tell BFF about the date and of course she goes ape over it and is like...give him a chance. Maybe you'll grow to be attracted to him. You don't GROW into attraction. Either it is there or it is not.
I went over to DK's house and we had the best passionate hot sweaty sex. He said I surprised him and he definitely surprised me in the bedroom. He's so cold in the street. He never really wants to hold my hand or kiss me in public. At home, he's all over me and sometimes, it just catches me off guard.
When I saw him though, I was angry about work. I realize....I don't like my job. He was the first person I could take it out on....and I did and it was sexy. We play fought until I had worked all my aggression out.
The next morning, I left his house exhausted (hehe) but pensive. What we do....is what we do and nothing is really going to change. It kind of makes me sad because of course I believe I'm worthy of more but so is he but he would rather give me an inch of space in his life. So, what is one to do?
Right after we had sex....as in the next day, I got my period which means we had sex while I was ovulating. Which means if the contraception has failed.....I'd be preggo right now. Scary stuff.
I wouldn't mind getting knocked up by DK because I know he would kill himself to provide but I'd be so alone. I guess these are just some thoughts.
I feel so unattractive right now. Maybe its my period. Maybe its something else. I'm pretty sure its my period.
I'm sitting next to this interracial couple. Dude is African. Probably from Senegal. Chick is French. He says..."No. Its my way or no way."...in the middle of this argument they're having. I thought ...Yup. that's why he's with this white woman. The Nigerian tried that shit with me one day. I fought back and he pretty much said..."If I were with a European woman she would accept it." I said..well go get her.
Smdh
I've decided I want to open up a spa. There are some major steps I need to take first. I'm going to get my waxing license. It costs about $500. After I get my license, I'm going to look into getting into a high-end salon/spa to get some experience/build clientele. I also want to look into getting a table/space to do waxing on my own in my Hood. Then, I want to look into being a masseuse. I also am looking into getting into an 18-month BBA program to have a real foundation on how to run a business properly.
On the financial side, I'm working on my credit to be able to get a loan/funding for my spa.
I'm guessing optimically....in 5 yrs...I can do it but I'm preparing for 10 for it to be where I want it to be.
I'm excited and a little overwhelmed. It is time for me to put in some major work....and it wont be very fun.
And honestly, the notion that I could really do it freaks me OUT. but....I believe this is what Im supposed to be doing. So...there we go.
YOLO!
Damn...every time I have a long absence, I feel like" its imperative to say how sorry I am and vow to not for it again. I'm like an abusive boyfriend or something.
What has happened since the last time I wrote in this space....hmmmm
ATL told me he doesn't want a long-distance relationship and then back-pedaled away from me so quickly, it made my head spin. He was gone for a weekend before I was like...oh hell nawl. We've been speaking but it is definitely not the same.
I had given up on PoF when this really cute guy emailed me. His username was his full name...means he has nothing to hide. His message wasn't overly superfluous with how beautiful I am or what he would do to try to get to know me. It was simple.
Except, I got the message about 3 weeks after he'd sent it. ATL said it was all about timing. He was right because 3 weeks ago, I was into someone else and probably wouldn't have paid the note any attention.
Anyway, he is sweet, smart, funny and he's.....naive in a way. He's 25. He'll be 26 in June. And...I like him.
He rocks out to classical music. Who does that? I'm going to call him CB for Church Boy. He literally stays in church 4 days out of the week. His dad is the pastor of his church. His life is the life I ran away from. (Pseudo-introducing ER before our first date)
I went on a date with this guy I met while facilitating the Octavia Butler workshop. I'm going to call him White J. If you've seen the awkward black girl series on YouTube, you know to what I'm referring. If not, go and watch. Hella funny!
Anyway, White J is cool. He just doesn't do it for me. I tell BFF about the date and of course she goes ape over it and is like...give him a chance. Maybe you'll grow to be attracted to him. You don't GROW into attraction. Either it is there or it is not.
I went over to DK's house and we had the best passionate hot sweaty sex. He said I surprised him and he definitely surprised me in the bedroom. He's so cold in the street. He never really wants to hold my hand or kiss me in public. At home, he's all over me and sometimes, it just catches me off guard.
When I saw him though, I was angry about work. I realize....I don't like my job. He was the first person I could take it out on....and I did and it was sexy. We play fought until I had worked all my aggression out.
The next morning, I left his house exhausted (hehe) but pensive. What we do....is what we do and nothing is really going to change. It kind of makes me sad because of course I believe I'm worthy of more but so is he but he would rather give me an inch of space in his life. So, what is one to do?
Right after we had sex....as in the next day, I got my period which means we had sex while I was ovulating. Which means if the contraception has failed.....I'd be preggo right now. Scary stuff.
I wouldn't mind getting knocked up by DK because I know he would kill himself to provide but I'd be so alone. I guess these are just some thoughts.
I feel so unattractive right now. Maybe its my period. Maybe its something else. I'm pretty sure its my period.
I'm sitting next to this interracial couple. Dude is African. Probably from Senegal. Chick is French. He says..."No. Its my way or no way."...in the middle of this argument they're having. I thought ...Yup. that's why he's with this white woman. The Nigerian tried that shit with me one day. I fought back and he pretty much said..."If I were with a European woman she would accept it." I said..well go get her.
Smdh
I've decided I want to open up a spa. There are some major steps I need to take first. I'm going to get my waxing license. It costs about $500. After I get my license, I'm going to look into getting into a high-end salon/spa to get some experience/build clientele. I also want to look into getting a table/space to do waxing on my own in my Hood. Then, I want to look into being a masseuse. I also am looking into getting into an 18-month BBA program to have a real foundation on how to run a business properly.
On the financial side, I'm working on my credit to be able to get a loan/funding for my spa.
I'm guessing optimically....in 5 yrs...I can do it but I'm preparing for 10 for it to be where I want it to be.
I'm excited and a little overwhelmed. It is time for me to put in some major work....and it wont be very fun.
And honestly, the notion that I could really do it freaks me OUT. but....I believe this is what Im supposed to be doing. So...there we go.
YOLO!
Friday, March 2, 2012
Ninjas
We met online after he sent me this beautifully written message about how he would love to make my acquaintance. Emails were exchanged. Then numbers and then I found myself at Therapy Wine Bar in Brooklyn last night after a full day of knowing this person...waiting for him. My mind was a mixture of things: is he crazy, will he show, would he be as awesome in person as he was online????
He walked in and was a vision of everything I want in a man. 6ft3, football player build, long black locs down his back and handsome as ever. He spoke in a British accent that threw me off slightly but because he spoke slowly, it didn't really matter so much. We could understand each other well.
Plus..he was chivalrous. As I went to open my own door, he said:
"I don't know what these Brooklyn lads are up to but you will never reach to open your own door in my presence."
That was super sexy!
Drinks turned to dinner and we were flirting with each other pretty heavily. I like to flirt and smile and blush and he seemed to like making me flirt, smile and blush. Halfway through dinner, he said, "Do you have to work tomorrow?" I replied in the negative. "Then I can keep you up half the night then." "I don't think so."
The conversation grew. He broke out in Japanese and told me a story of how he met a girl in the airport who only spoke Japanese but could write in English and he promised her that he would learn the language in a month...which he did. He also casually mentioned that he has a PhD in BioChemistry and is doing his residency at a Brooklyn hospital.
Yea, he was amazeballs.
"I want to come home with you tonight."
"I don't think that's a good idea."
He let the issue drop as we left the bar.
"Do you know of a 24-hr pharmacy?"
I navigated us to one that was about 20 minutes in the opposite direction of my house.
"So, when I take you home, will I be invited up?"
"No, you will not."
"Am I not your type?"
"Actually, you are to the T."
"So, what's the problem?"
"I don't know you."
He went in on this long speech about how life is short and if you know someone fits all the requirements you have...then why bother making them wait to engulf them in your life. Your home is the most personal place you can invite someone and that's how you let them know that you are serious about making something work with them.
"That is your opinion." I changed the subject. "How many brothers and sisters do you have?"
"8."
"And you are..."
"The second youngest."
"Ahh....you're spoiled then."
"You could say that. I'm used to getting what I want. If I don't then I know that situation is not for me."
"That's most unfortunate. You miss out on so many good things if you wait them out."
"Well, my philosophy hasn't steered me wrong yet."
We drove on in silence until we got to my house. Attempts at conversation were awkward.
"Penny for your thoughts, pretty lady."
"I feel like if I don't let you up to my apartment, there will be no date number 2...which is a pity because I actually like you."
He chuckled. "You're crazy."
We pulled up to my house.
"I hope I haven't offended you. My cousin invited some girls to my house. He says one is for me. I don't really want to go home."
"I'm sorry. I can't let you in."
I kissed him on the cheek and walked myself to my door. I didn't turn back to see if he was there when I went inside.
Woke up this morning to find that my test results had come in online. "All results normal. No signs of infection." I thought about dude from last night. I want to keep it that way.
He walked in and was a vision of everything I want in a man. 6ft3, football player build, long black locs down his back and handsome as ever. He spoke in a British accent that threw me off slightly but because he spoke slowly, it didn't really matter so much. We could understand each other well.
Plus..he was chivalrous. As I went to open my own door, he said:
"I don't know what these Brooklyn lads are up to but you will never reach to open your own door in my presence."
That was super sexy!
Drinks turned to dinner and we were flirting with each other pretty heavily. I like to flirt and smile and blush and he seemed to like making me flirt, smile and blush. Halfway through dinner, he said, "Do you have to work tomorrow?" I replied in the negative. "Then I can keep you up half the night then." "I don't think so."
The conversation grew. He broke out in Japanese and told me a story of how he met a girl in the airport who only spoke Japanese but could write in English and he promised her that he would learn the language in a month...which he did. He also casually mentioned that he has a PhD in BioChemistry and is doing his residency at a Brooklyn hospital.
Yea, he was amazeballs.
"I want to come home with you tonight."
"I don't think that's a good idea."
He let the issue drop as we left the bar.
"Do you know of a 24-hr pharmacy?"
I navigated us to one that was about 20 minutes in the opposite direction of my house.
"So, when I take you home, will I be invited up?"
"No, you will not."
"Am I not your type?"
"Actually, you are to the T."
"So, what's the problem?"
"I don't know you."
He went in on this long speech about how life is short and if you know someone fits all the requirements you have...then why bother making them wait to engulf them in your life. Your home is the most personal place you can invite someone and that's how you let them know that you are serious about making something work with them.
"That is your opinion." I changed the subject. "How many brothers and sisters do you have?"
"8."
"And you are..."
"The second youngest."
"Ahh....you're spoiled then."
"You could say that. I'm used to getting what I want. If I don't then I know that situation is not for me."
"That's most unfortunate. You miss out on so many good things if you wait them out."
"Well, my philosophy hasn't steered me wrong yet."
We drove on in silence until we got to my house. Attempts at conversation were awkward.
"Penny for your thoughts, pretty lady."
"I feel like if I don't let you up to my apartment, there will be no date number 2...which is a pity because I actually like you."
He chuckled. "You're crazy."
We pulled up to my house.
"I hope I haven't offended you. My cousin invited some girls to my house. He says one is for me. I don't really want to go home."
"I'm sorry. I can't let you in."
I kissed him on the cheek and walked myself to my door. I didn't turn back to see if he was there when I went inside.
Woke up this morning to find that my test results had come in online. "All results normal. No signs of infection." I thought about dude from last night. I want to keep it that way.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Yikes!
Every time I sit down and say, "Ok, today, I will blog;" my eyelids get heavy and it feels like the weight of my day begins to weigh heavily on me.
Let me see if I can update you on my life as best as I can:
Men
Trini and I have had sex twice. Oh, yes, I'm a little minx. Mainly, schedule conflicts keep us off of each other and some other issues have me recently wanting to be hands off.
Sex with Trini is awesome. He knows what he's doing and he does it well....but....I have been having some bleeding issues. As in, I start to bleed when he's penetrating me. Soooooo...that puts a real downer on things. He was turned-off. I was worried. I went to the doctor. Side note: Waiting for the genitals doctor, they play those awful videos about HIV. The one that struck me the most was the lady who was living with her boyfriend for 4 years and she went to the doctor for a routine check-up and they did an HIV test and it came back positive. She had to work up the courage to tell her boyfriend and he said that he had AIDS for 8 years. I get tested before and after every partner and usually, I get tested on December 1st (World AIDS Day) and I always use condoms and such but I was SHOOK. Condoms break, tests fail, et cetera....but of course, I was negative. All other STD tests were negative but a Pap smear was done. My cervix was red. The doctor said it could just be irritated from the friction and is 90% sure its not an STD. And umm...the doctor was BFF's mom. BFF's mom studied at Northwestern and Columbia and has been practicing medicine for my entire life. It was weird at first to drop trou...but she was super gentle quick and gave me a hug after. So, I've been dragging my feet a bit to have sex with Trini now because if I start bleeding again, it would just be SOOOOOO draining! It's enough for me to not want to be celibate anymore.
Speaking of Trini....
Yesterday, I called him randomly during the course of my day.
Me: Hey boo. What are you up to?
Trini: Just leaving therapy.
Me: Therapy?
Trini: Yes. we're in marriage counseling.
I swear all of the air left my body as I heard that. I understand why he's in marriage counseling. No one wants to be divorced. As he told me, she got everything in the settlement of the divorce. It has been difficult and he doesn't want to not be married but....DAMN! So, yes...part of me...was like RUN Nina. Run for your life! The other part was like...at least he's honest. Most dudes would gas you and make you think things are one way but they are totally different and then drop you once they have what they want.
Oy! I'm a little disappointed but I already knew what I was getting myself into so I should really just buck up and find someone else which brings me to....
Stark. Not sure if its even worth mentioning but I met this dude online. He talked the talk boyyyyy. he was so cute and funny, snarky and witty. He totally decided to fall off thef ace of the Earth. Part of me is like...he's not the man for you if he did thart but ugh...imagine if you founf someone you click with in most ways and then boom...he drops you. I'm super sick of dating. I just want God to reveal my husband to me in a dream or something.
Guess who's bzack?? DK!
Posts on DK
He invited me to dinner which ended with me kissing him so passionately, he got a hard-on and wanted to come back home with me. What can I say? I am an amazing kisser. LOL
I don't sleep with more than one person at a time, so I said no. We've been texting back and forth. Its been really casual. I used to be really into him. Now I'm like "meh."
I just need some fresh meat.
Let me see if I can update you on my life as best as I can:
Men
Trini and I have had sex twice. Oh, yes, I'm a little minx. Mainly, schedule conflicts keep us off of each other and some other issues have me recently wanting to be hands off.
Sex with Trini is awesome. He knows what he's doing and he does it well....but....I have been having some bleeding issues. As in, I start to bleed when he's penetrating me. Soooooo...that puts a real downer on things. He was turned-off. I was worried. I went to the doctor. Side note: Waiting for the genitals doctor, they play those awful videos about HIV. The one that struck me the most was the lady who was living with her boyfriend for 4 years and she went to the doctor for a routine check-up and they did an HIV test and it came back positive. She had to work up the courage to tell her boyfriend and he said that he had AIDS for 8 years. I get tested before and after every partner and usually, I get tested on December 1st (World AIDS Day) and I always use condoms and such but I was SHOOK. Condoms break, tests fail, et cetera....but of course, I was negative. All other STD tests were negative but a Pap smear was done. My cervix was red. The doctor said it could just be irritated from the friction and is 90% sure its not an STD. And umm...the doctor was BFF's mom. BFF's mom studied at Northwestern and Columbia and has been practicing medicine for my entire life. It was weird at first to drop trou...but she was super gentle quick and gave me a hug after. So, I've been dragging my feet a bit to have sex with Trini now because if I start bleeding again, it would just be SOOOOOO draining! It's enough for me to not want to be celibate anymore.
Speaking of Trini....
Yesterday, I called him randomly during the course of my day.
Me: Hey boo. What are you up to?
Trini: Just leaving therapy.
Me: Therapy?
Trini: Yes. we're in marriage counseling.
I swear all of the air left my body as I heard that. I understand why he's in marriage counseling. No one wants to be divorced. As he told me, she got everything in the settlement of the divorce. It has been difficult and he doesn't want to not be married but....DAMN! So, yes...part of me...was like RUN Nina. Run for your life! The other part was like...at least he's honest. Most dudes would gas you and make you think things are one way but they are totally different and then drop you once they have what they want.
Oy! I'm a little disappointed but I already knew what I was getting myself into so I should really just buck up and find someone else which brings me to....
Stark. Not sure if its even worth mentioning but I met this dude online. He talked the talk boyyyyy. he was so cute and funny, snarky and witty. He totally decided to fall off thef ace of the Earth. Part of me is like...he's not the man for you if he did thart but ugh...imagine if you founf someone you click with in most ways and then boom...he drops you. I'm super sick of dating. I just want God to reveal my husband to me in a dream or something.
Guess who's bzack?? DK!
Posts on DK
He invited me to dinner which ended with me kissing him so passionately, he got a hard-on and wanted to come back home with me. What can I say? I am an amazing kisser. LOL
I don't sleep with more than one person at a time, so I said no. We've been texting back and forth. Its been really casual. I used to be really into him. Now I'm like "meh."
I just need some fresh meat.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Trouble
There is an awkward moment when you want to tell a story on your blog and you can't because you haven't blogged in a while and there's a backstory and you have to get through that before you can get to what you really want to say and you kick yourself for not blogging when you should have.
And you just go...
FUCK! ME!
There is also a moment after you have been celibate for over a year where you question your actions, your sincerity for Jesus and why you're voluntarily running away from the peen.
You repeatedly ask yourself...What is wrong with you?
You don't really think about sex besides it being a foreign concept once you possibly find someone you could sex it up with but that seems far off until you meet someone like...Trini.
Can I say that I am super proud of myself for not being a whore and smanging him yet.....although, if it were under my control, I'd have sexed him last weekend and will sex him this week sometime, the fact that it hasn't happened yet and we've been talking and dating and enjoying each other's company for 4 months...puts a smile on my face. Seeing as most women give up the drawls after 2 weeks, using my informal poll of just talking to my coworkers.
And yes...the 4th was my birthday and I didn't get any birthday love. So depressing!
Ahhh...I'm all over the place.
Last night, I had a wonderful time with Trini although it didn't really start out that way.
We agreed the night before that we would see each other Friday night. I wanted to have sexy time because I am a huge lust bucket right now. Turns out, I was itching for some loving because I was super hormonal with my period. So, I wake up all bloody and angry. Trini's brother was coming into town that night and he had to pick him up from the airport around 7:30. His brother wanted to go and have drinks and Trini actually invited me. (I was kinda stoked). We would meet up around 9/9:30. Me knowing black folks and time, I started getting ready at 9:30pm. I looked for a cute outfit, my heels, tight jeans, biker jacket and I curled my hair.
At 10:30, he still hadn't solidified plans with me and I was getting hot. His brother went ghost on him and he wanted to wait to speak to him before we went anywhere. I had to be at church at 9am this morning and thus, was disinterested in waiting on his brother and was more interested in being held, kissed and hugged up on.
Anywho, he finally picks me up at 11:15 and we go cruising around my neighborhood for some place to go. Sidenote:BFF told me to text her his license plate number and the make and model of his car plus his address. After the whole Nigerian thing, she has become super protective of me. And...I got only half of his plate memorized.
SO, we go to this random place that I would never go into alone and it is poppin. Good music. Good food. Random people in there. Older folks 2stepping. Young folks Dougie-ing.
We ate some wings and talked about what we both want. He told me (again) he just wants companionship and good sex. I told him in plain language, that's okay for right now but eventually, I want a husband and some kids. He understands where I'm coming from and I thanked him for his honesty. He asked me to dance. We did some dancing where he twirled me and we danced close like we were at prom. He leaned in and kissed me and...it.was.on from there.
Some wild woman came out of me and I had him against the wall with my tongue in his mouth, grinding on him. I was all over him. Yo...his arms. His abs...his body is amazing. I was touching him and kissing his neck and biting on his ear. He stopped and looked at me and said: "Who are you? This is not the same girl I've been talking to all this time. Who is this woman?"
I just smiled. Something in me triggered on and it is going to be hard to turn it off.
"You're not going home tonight. You're coming to my place. In the morning, you're calling out of work."
That was the sexiest thing I've heard from a man in a long while.
I had to not so delicately remind him of my period. He was not fazed. He said we'd have to reschedule but I'm in trouble.
I love trouble.
He held me close. He grabbed my booty. I held my head back as he bit my neck. Whew! We started dirty talking each other. Soon we looked at the clock and it was 2am. He dropped me off home. He sent me some pictures of what he's working with. My oh my!
I am in trouble.
I love trouble.
And you just go...
FUCK! ME!
There is also a moment after you have been celibate for over a year where you question your actions, your sincerity for Jesus and why you're voluntarily running away from the peen.
You repeatedly ask yourself...What is wrong with you?
You don't really think about sex besides it being a foreign concept once you possibly find someone you could sex it up with but that seems far off until you meet someone like...Trini.
Can I say that I am super proud of myself for not being a whore and smanging him yet.....although, if it were under my control, I'd have sexed him last weekend and will sex him this week sometime, the fact that it hasn't happened yet and we've been talking and dating and enjoying each other's company for 4 months...puts a smile on my face. Seeing as most women give up the drawls after 2 weeks, using my informal poll of just talking to my coworkers.
And yes...the 4th was my birthday and I didn't get any birthday love. So depressing!
Ahhh...I'm all over the place.
Last night, I had a wonderful time with Trini although it didn't really start out that way.
We agreed the night before that we would see each other Friday night. I wanted to have sexy time because I am a huge lust bucket right now. Turns out, I was itching for some loving because I was super hormonal with my period. So, I wake up all bloody and angry. Trini's brother was coming into town that night and he had to pick him up from the airport around 7:30. His brother wanted to go and have drinks and Trini actually invited me. (I was kinda stoked). We would meet up around 9/9:30. Me knowing black folks and time, I started getting ready at 9:30pm. I looked for a cute outfit, my heels, tight jeans, biker jacket and I curled my hair.
At 10:30, he still hadn't solidified plans with me and I was getting hot. His brother went ghost on him and he wanted to wait to speak to him before we went anywhere. I had to be at church at 9am this morning and thus, was disinterested in waiting on his brother and was more interested in being held, kissed and hugged up on.
Anywho, he finally picks me up at 11:15 and we go cruising around my neighborhood for some place to go. Sidenote:BFF told me to text her his license plate number and the make and model of his car plus his address. After the whole Nigerian thing, she has become super protective of me. And...I got only half of his plate memorized.
SO, we go to this random place that I would never go into alone and it is poppin. Good music. Good food. Random people in there. Older folks 2stepping. Young folks Dougie-ing.
We ate some wings and talked about what we both want. He told me (again) he just wants companionship and good sex. I told him in plain language, that's okay for right now but eventually, I want a husband and some kids. He understands where I'm coming from and I thanked him for his honesty. He asked me to dance. We did some dancing where he twirled me and we danced close like we were at prom. He leaned in and kissed me and...it.was.on from there.
Some wild woman came out of me and I had him against the wall with my tongue in his mouth, grinding on him. I was all over him. Yo...his arms. His abs...his body is amazing. I was touching him and kissing his neck and biting on his ear. He stopped and looked at me and said: "Who are you? This is not the same girl I've been talking to all this time. Who is this woman?"
I just smiled. Something in me triggered on and it is going to be hard to turn it off.
"You're not going home tonight. You're coming to my place. In the morning, you're calling out of work."
That was the sexiest thing I've heard from a man in a long while.
I had to not so delicately remind him of my period. He was not fazed. He said we'd have to reschedule but I'm in trouble.
I love trouble.
He held me close. He grabbed my booty. I held my head back as he bit my neck. Whew! We started dirty talking each other. Soon we looked at the clock and it was 2am. He dropped me off home. He sent me some pictures of what he's working with. My oh my!
I am in trouble.
I love trouble.
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