Darling Clementine

And so....we ordered food and walked to his apartment as the night was warm and inviting. We laid on his bed (no other furniture) as he looked for something to watch. He turned to me with a "look" in his eye and kissed me deeply.
"Is this the part where you jump me?"
"Yes ma'am," he said as he unbuttoned my pants. He slid down myself underwear and said, "Yess!" I laughed and then gasped as he spoke to my other lips for as long as I wanted him to. I pushed his head and body up and kissed him. 
 
I pushed myself on top of him and returned the favor. I found his sweet spot and he grabbed me and pushed me down on the bed and went down on me again. I stopped him early and said rather sexily...."I want penetration."
He laughed placing 2 fingers inside me.
"Damn! You're tight and wet," he said.
"Yup and I don't want fingers."
"Oh, you want this dick?"
I licked my lips.
We'd had the condom conversation a while back so it wasn't awkward.
When he entered me....oh my gosh! I suspect sex feels good for men since they're always in pursuit of it but I can't really understand how it feels for them.  For me, it is like a deep tickle or tingle. I also get off on squeezing it and getting my man off. We had sex twice. The second time, it was so good ....so passionate, I found myself squeezing him tighter and tighter and not letting go. I apologized because it wasn't fair....LOL. I practice kegels at work when I'm bored...ha! He came so hard. He didn't really hear my apology.
So....his roommate's sister has a daycare in their place and he didn't want me to do the walk of shame in front of toddlers. But his roommate said it should be OK. He had to work at 7:30 am which meant we had to leave at 6:45 the latest.
At 2am, we were still up watching The Walking Dead. (Don't ask) I wanted to sleep but he couldn't. I'm a light sleeper. I can't sleep unless its total silence and darkness.
Around 3, he knocked out and so did I. When his alarm clock woke us up at 6:30 and he begged for more sleep, I laughed.  Tired or not, when I'm up....I'm up.
And so, he fell back in a deep sleep while I looked out the morning window listening to the sounds of the street.
At 7am, we rushed out the house.
I stared at him in the elevator - his small slanted eyes...slightly smaller than mine....his full lips that feel like pillows when he kisses me. His broad shoulders and the way he walks....they turn me on. He's so proud and strong yet gentle. 
I thought about those eyes again and I said to myself...."Man, if we have kids, between the two of us, they may not be able to see."- of course, in a non-tragic way. I giggled a little. He opened his eyes.
"How is it that you look so fresh? Did you secretly get 8 hours of sleep?"
"I'm pretending."
As we walked, he talked about his day and why he had to be up so early. He's a computer engineer and they're expecting a shipment of parts that they have to work on.
Me: Why couldn't you sleep last night? I'm offended. I was doing my best to put you to bed.
Him: No, you killed me. I don't know how I'm going to get through the day. I fell asleep for a second but I had to stay up because my roommate didn't have his keys.  I slept all day and so my body definitely wanted to sleep but my mind was just up. You did a good job. *pats me on the back*
Me: Smh. Lol.
I wanted to hold his hand.
In that moment, I said..."Shit. I like him. I want to be his girlfriend and I don't want to fuck this up."
He swiped his MetroCard to put me on the train and held out his arms to hug and kiss me.
"Have a great day Nina."
"You too DK."
I smiled as the train came....I had a long day ahead.

Trouble

There is an awkward moment when you want to tell a story on your blog and you can't because you haven't blogged in a while and there's a backstory and you have to get through that before you can get to what you really want to say and you kick yourself for not blogging when you should have.

And you just go...

FUCK! ME!

There is also a moment after you have been celibate for over a year where you question your actions, your sincerity for Jesus and why you're voluntarily running away from the peen.

You repeatedly ask yourself...What is wrong with you?

You don't really think about sex besides it being a foreign concept once you possibly find someone you could sex it up with but that seems far off until you meet someone like...Trini.

Can I say that I am super proud of myself for not being a whore and smanging him yet.....although, if it were under my control, I'd have sexed him last weekend and will sex him this week sometime, the fact that it hasn't happened yet and we've been talking and dating and enjoying each other's company for 4 months...puts a smile on my face. Seeing as most women give up the drawls after 2 weeks, using my informal poll of just talking to my coworkers.

And yes...the 4th was my birthday and I didn't get any birthday love. So depressing!

Ahhh...I'm all over the place.

Last night, I had a wonderful time with Trini although it didn't really start out that way.
We agreed the night before that we would see each other Friday night. I wanted to have sexy time because I am a huge lust bucket right now. Turns out, I was itching for some loving because I was super hormonal with my period. So, I wake up all bloody and angry. Trini's brother was coming into town that night and he had to pick him up from the airport around 7:30. His brother wanted to go and have drinks and Trini actually invited me. (I was kinda stoked). We would meet up around 9/9:30. Me knowing black folks and time, I started getting ready at 9:30pm. I looked for a cute outfit, my heels, tight jeans, biker jacket and I curled my hair.

At 10:30, he still hadn't solidified plans with me and I was getting hot. His brother went ghost on him and he wanted to wait to speak to him before we went anywhere. I had to be at church at 9am this morning and thus, was disinterested in waiting on his brother and was more interested in being held, kissed and hugged up on.

Anywho, he finally picks me up at 11:15 and we go cruising around my neighborhood for some place to go. Sidenote:BFF told me to text her his license plate number and the make and model of his car plus his address. After the whole Nigerian thing, she has become super protective of me. And...I got only half of his plate memorized.

SO, we go to this random place that I would never go into alone and it is poppin. Good music. Good food. Random people in there. Older folks 2stepping. Young folks Dougie-ing.
We ate some wings and talked about what we both want. He told me (again) he just wants companionship and good sex. I told him in plain language, that's okay for right now but eventually, I want a husband and some kids. He understands where I'm coming from and I thanked him for his honesty. He asked me to dance. We did some dancing where he twirled me and we danced close like we were at prom. He leaned in and kissed me and...it.was.on from there.

Some wild woman came out of me and I had him against the wall with my tongue in his mouth, grinding on him. I was all over him. Yo...his arms. His abs...his body is amazing. I was touching him and kissing his neck and biting on his ear. He stopped and looked at me and said: "Who are you? This is not the same girl I've been talking to all this time. Who is this woman?"
I just smiled. Something in me triggered on and it is going to be hard to turn it off.

"You're not going home tonight. You're coming to my place. In the morning, you're calling out of work."

That was the sexiest thing I've heard from a man in a long while.
I had to not so delicately remind him of my period. He was not fazed. He said we'd have to reschedule but I'm in trouble.

I love trouble.
He held me close. He grabbed my booty. I held my head back as he bit my neck. Whew! We started dirty talking each other. Soon we looked at the clock and it was 2am. He dropped me off home. He sent me some pictures of what he's working with. My oh my!

I am in trouble.
I love trouble.

Mandingo

i came home from work after a rather disappointing day. i stopped at pathmark and bought some groceries, pink roses and sangria. i made spagghetti with ground beef, kielbasa, stewed tomatos and spinach and texas toast.dk came over just as i was heating up the bread.

as he walked in, he played with my hyper dog for 5 minutes and said he was exhausted. rocky loves new people and also if you play fetch with him...he could play it for hours and hours.

"What are you feeding this guy?" he asked.

I laughed and put Rocky in my bedroom because I knew what was next..he was going to start humping his leg...smh

anyway, i went to check on the bread and when i turned around, he did like that dude with anika noni rose in for colored girls....when i turned back around he was shirtless and pantless. he only had on boxer briefs.

i said, "sir, why are you nakeed?"

he said..."I am not naked. i am waiting for you to service me."

"excuse me?"

"remember you promised me a massage."

i truly forgot.

"did you want to eat first?"

"no, later."

so, i got the lotion, he laid on my couch and i gave him a super massage...for like 30 minutes. (one instance of how dude is going to have me WORK.)

he got up and had this huge boner. we jokingly call him mandingo (he told me a story of how this (white) girl approached him online and said she wanted an african mandingo such as he. and so, from there, we both refer to him as mandingo when we talk most often. but, umm it wasn't a joke as he got up..wow! Dude is as thick as my fist and at least a good 9/10 inches.

"Put that thing away!"

"Why?"

"Just..please. Think about giraffes, baby elephants, lions...baseball."

He laughed but looked disappointed and sad. So, we ate dinner and had polite conversation. I showed him my online portfolio so he could see my work. He looked up some stuff and then all of a sudden he goes...

"Did you google me?"
"Me? Google you? Noooooo" (I did)
"Are you sure?"
"I don't think I did."
He turned the computer around and showed me his soccer profile (he plays for his college team) which I found whilst googling him.
EGG ON MY FACE.

Note to self: If your boo is a Computer Engineer and works as an IT Guy, try not to hide things from him on your PC.

We sat down to watch Law Abiding Citizen. After one kiss, he was hard again.

I shook my head.

"Why are you not responding to me?"
"I have my period."
"Ohhhhh...."

He looked down at himself.

"You could say hello."

"Hello Little Mandingo." I poked it with my finger and laughed.
He got up and put it in my face.

I looked up at him and put it in my mouth.
It had been soooo long...but its like riding a bike, right? (lol)

I was at it for a good 45 minutes when I thought to myself..."Self, this is the part where you usually have sex because your mouth is tired. Your jaw hurts and you're really not used to such strenuous activity. He was trying to make me deep throat it but...I couldn't! I really couldn't! I've never felt my gag reflexes kick in before but I felt the food in my stomach coming up.

I felt like I was punking out.

"I'm tired."

"What?"

"My mouth is tired."

"Get some lube."

I got it and gave him a hand job for another 45 minutes.

"DUDE."

"What?"

"You're ridiculous. THIS is not the time to be thinking about giraffes, baseball, monkeys, lions...this is the time to make yourself cum."

"I told you I could go for a long time."

"I know."

He leaned over and whispered sexy things in my ear about how he would slide his Mandingo in me and make me cum over and over again. The look in his eye told me he meant it and I was so sad. I wanted to do it. Sex changes things...especially for me. I don't think he realizes that.

Sex changes me in 2 ways: 1. I become uber clingy. I transform from this sexy confident woman to this little girl who is unsure of where we stand. This time, I need us to have a conversation so I can know for sure...but really, you never really know.

2. I transform from the celibate nun to a crazed nympho who wants to do it at least 2 - 3 times a week. With Aussie, if he didn't break me off at least twice per week, I'd get angry..ANGRY! The distance from his house to my house (2 hours on the train - 45 minutes by car.) kind of puts a damper on frequent nookie.

Anywhosies...he started jerking himself because I felt like I was in the gym.

"Do you have condoms?" he asked.

"No." I knew he could tell I was lying. (I'm a horrible liar that's why I practice telling the truth.) I didn't want this to be my first time with him. #1. I had my period which makes things...messy (messier) and #2. I had my period which means he couldn't go down on me and to take his giant penis, I need all the lubrication and arousal I can get.
"You're going to break me into pieces."

"Yes I am," he growled in my ear. (Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeew!!!)
He exploded all over my breasts and I laughed as I got us wash cloths and we cleaned ourselves off remembering my earlier convo with Wynsters about there not being any hanky panky whatsoever...I was so sure of it.

Later,as I was trying to write this post, I was listening to some music (a la the last post) and was just imagining how it will be next time. He's super passionate and yea...he will break me into pieces.

As I sat in bed thinking about how delicious everything was...the food, the kissing, the touching...I tweeted, "Its so hard being holy."

Indeed it is.

This Is How It Works

If you can...listen to these songs. Post (with words) forthcoming.

pre-maritals

I should probably explain where I've been and such but I won't.Not yet anyhow.


I slept with Carter Saturday night. It was ah-may-zing.

He'd been messaging me ever so often to tease me about how much I'd let him go. It was apparent that he wasn't going to do the same for me.

Fine.


We were supposed to go out last week. Our wires got screwed up. Or rather, mine did. I've been really busy and so when he suggested that we go out to BBQ's Sat night, I said yes. When he further suggested we dine dutch since he had to pay for his family's Thanksgiving Dinner, my bank account relented and I asked him to my place for movie night.

Minutes into the movie,I was on his lap. We were kissing and petting. I got off of him and decided that Interview with a Vampire was way more interesting for about 5 more minutes before I turned to him and said...do you want to go to the bedroom?


He did.


Twin asked me what did Carter do to make you enjoy him so much? Simply, he knew what he was doing. There was no question, no fuss about condoms. He just put it on. He worked my body. He was agressive but not overly so. He has a beautiful penis. He was clean, not hairy at all. The size, the girth of it - is very perfect and he knows how to work it. It was all very adult.

After we cleaned up, we talked about his day..his work while he looked at some stuff concerning his book and I was BBM'ing Editor. He came back to bed and held me with both arms. I felt small and safe curled up next to him.

We both slept like babies.



The Morning After


I ordered breakfast for us. We ate while watching Happy Feet which I dozed off in the middle of. I woke up just as it ended and walked him to the train station. We talked about the community and how we can build it to be better. He held my hand. I let it go after a block. I told him about my 5 year plan and how I want to create workshops for ladies with low self-esteem. He should be apart of it (his books are about dating and such)....



We got to the train station. I said.."Ok, I'm going to put you on ice now as you claim I always do."

He said, "Yea, you gonna ignore my phone calls and text messages now cuz you got what you wanted."


I fake slapped him.


He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Please don't be like those other girls and really do that."


"You're leaving in January. Is it fair to create this bond with you for you to just leave like that?"


"You think its going to hurt when I leave?"

"Won't it?"


He didn't say anything.


"I don't have time," I began, "to play games with people. I don't have time for a lot of things. I know you don't understand where you stand with me...There's so much you don't know about me. "

"I wonder why..."

I let him drop it. He kissed me goodbye. I wondered why...myself.

When did I become so closed off?


I feel the same tug of war that I felt with The Nigerian, except, I am he and Carter is me. Every time I get silent, I feel him saying..Talk to me. Tell me about your day. Tell me about your life. The words are there. They just don't come out. Maybe he understands a little.

I feel as though things have changed between him and I. I just want sex and maybe he wants a little more. He's husband material: kind, funny, smart and he understands what it takes to hold a house together. Whatever I want from him I could have. I know this to be true. So, why do I want nothing?

tectonic plates

there is a shifting going on inside of me. a move in my attitude. an awakening.

after i wrote that blog post, i made two calls.

carter.
i told him i might want to get back with the nigerian and that i still wanted to sleep with him. he said..."flow with what you think is right. whatever you want from me, whether it is a relationship or just sex, i'm here. i'm yours..if you want me." he said he would come by today (friday) to take care of my little itch.

the nigerian.
he was in true nigerian form. cagey. busy. withdrawn. he answered the phone and spoke to me as if nothing had changed.

i suggested we meet and talk in person. he said...why, when he was listening then.
"did you think you lost me?" no answer. "repeat the question." silence from me.
"do you still like me?" "i don't like anyone." "i'm not just anyone." "i like everyone."

irritated but voice still calm.
"are you really going to play this game with me right now?"
"i'm not playing a game. i don't like this feeling. like you're pressuring me."
"im not pressuring you. i'm just trying to see where i stand, how you feel about me."
"i can't do this now. my head is not here. i have an event tomorrow. i'm tied up doing stuff. maybe we should talk in person."

exasperated.
"that's what i said."

we agreed to meeting on monday.

and then i started thinking.
fuck the nigerian. here, carter is handsome. he's funny, smart, ambitious, driven, and most of all.....
he talks to me. he listens to me. he opens up to me.

WHY would i leave that to go to someone who is distrustful, uncommunicative and in recent history has not been very nice to me?

WHY would i even come to carter with that bullshit?

WHY would i jeopardize carter for the nigerian?

because i'm an idiot.

i woke up today. went to target. got a pedicure. cleaned the house, changed the sheets, called carter.

he "forgot" he was supposed to come over. either, he's pissed at my decision to go back to the nigerian or he really wanted to play madden. he asked if i wanted to come to his house and play madden with him. O.o

i passed.

i told him i was an idiot for wanting even for a second to go back to the nigerian and that we will talk on monday because i need....closure. he understood.

but, my bed is empty right now.
the wheels started turning in my head and i realized that my attitude is changing back to the person i was 2 years ago.

after afroman.

enter blair. enter dame. enter aussie.

these were the people i slept with thinking that i was empowered and could handle a fwb situation. the blog was so steamy. your monitor would fog up. these people hardened me against men. i picked up the mantra..."i'm doing me and you just because." this attitude drove me to celibacy after aussie.and celibacy has driven me to carter who is taking his time because he likes me. which i appreciate..but only marginally.

and celibacy has taught me that carter is a gem and to appreciate him.
it has also taught me to control my urges. my willpower is amazing. but lately...as in for the past 3 days...i've masturbated like a madwoman...feeling like those first few days of celibacy again. also equating my situation to being let out of prison fearing being put back in.

either way, there is a new me emerging. she looks like old me.
ruthless, cunning,exacting.

she's got some new traits.
fearless, assured.

this is slightly scary.

Sense and Sensibility

I told BFF everything that happened yesterday (last post). I was struggling within myself because The Nigerian moves me. He makes me want something with him. He stirs something inside of me that hadn't been stirred in a while.

I was seriously thinking about breaking my celibacy for him.

BFF listened and talked to me about my reasons why. Honestly, I miss close intimate contact with someone but I want more than the physical stuff.

He would put the taste in my mouth but not quench my thirst.

"If he likes you, he will wait," she said.

Our generation doesn't know how to wait...doesn't know what too fast is and that's sad.

I want to do it but I'm not comfortable yet and why should I rush myself?

Tomorrow is the last discussion I want to have about it with him. At least for a while. Take it or leave it, I want to say. I'm prepared for both.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Boundaries

(Long post)

I had a talk with Twin about the last post. I mean...if anyone could smack some sense into me, it would be him.

So, he told me I was being irrational, expecting The Nigerian to understand where I was coming from. So, we spoke briefly. He still wanted me to come to his house. I did.

As soon as I walked through the door, he hugged and kissed me. I could tell he really missed me. I met another random friend of his. His friend conveniently left and I sat on his chair. He knelt in front of me and started kissing on my thighs, running his hand up and down my legs. He parted them open. Stop. He looked at me like a child who'd been caught sneaking cookies.

I explained to him my celibacy. He looked shocked but he understood but I could still see a little sexual frustration.

He stood me up and we danced barefoot to an African artist named, Eve. It was beautiful. It felt so spontaneous and romantic. He grabbed me from behind. I could feel his excitement. He turned me around. Fell to his knees. Unbuttoned my shirt. TN...I said. He said he wanted to look at me.

I protested of course. We danced some more and kissed.

"What's the problem?" he asked.
"I have boundaries and you should respect that."
"I have boundaries too. Don't talk to me in public. Don't touch my hair. Don't kiss in public. How does that make you feel? Restricted right? I don't want to have boundaries with you. I want to go with the flow."

That sounded good to me. He took off my shirt and bra and stared at me. He took of my skirt and body shaper (lol).

"I have my period."
"I wasn't going to look inside you."
He traced his fingers down my spine tattoo and kissed it. He sat me down and took off his shirt and shorts. He did a lil spin for me.

"Look at me like how I'm looking at you."

He is gorgeous.

He led me to his bedroom and we laid on his bed holding each other.

"I just wanted to cuddle." he said.
He called me mysterious woman and looked in my eyes. I told him that he was the mysterious one and he told me to ask him anything I wanted to know. Again, blank.

I asked him about his past relationships. He said, they are the past. Why bring them up? Hmmmmm. He said I should never compare myself to any woman. Ever. (True true, lol)

He flipped me over and kissed me, opened my legs, let me feel his hardness, licked and sucked my breasts, held me. He felt so good.

"I want to devour you," he said looking into my eyes while dry humping me. (Lol)

We laid down wrapped in each other, saying little. He dozed off a bit. I was lost in my own thoughts. my phone was keeping me anxious as it went off ever 5 minutes. I had to leave soon to go to the movie set. J would be calling.

He did. He called and I got up and dressed. Perfect timing because his friend came back as soon as I was dressed and re-applied my makeup.

I told him I was considering breaking my celibacy with him, which I am. I don't like anxious feeling I get from him surrounding the topic so I think I'll let him wait some more. Even after my period is long gone.

I've been around enough to know once you stay in the house, once you start having sex, once you stop going out...that's it. How do I put this brotha on ice without hurting his pride and ego?
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Hungry Dog or Eager Man?

Soooooooo....we started making the movie that I wrote the screenplay to and it is GRUELING! I've been getting home at 9am each day which means I sleep all day and do it again. I've had no chance to get things done. My house is a mess. My grandmother's stuff is in disarray. I haven't been a productive at all.

Anyways...in the midst of this, I've been trying to hang out with TN, Twin and BFF. Needless to say, I haven't been successful.

Sooooo....Wednesday. We had a day off from filming but everyone was busy. I had a meeting for a photo shoot I did today and I promised my friend I'd see him rock his show. I got home at 1:30. The Nigerian called me asked me to come over. He also asked me to come over on Date #2 and I said no. This time I was like "What are we going to do?"

He said he just wanted to cuddle, talk and kiss. I thought it was cute.
He says, "I don't want to cuddle with you anymore. I'm not inviting you anymore. Coming over is a choice and you're choosing not to come."

I said, "Not really. I explained it to you. You know my reasons."

He said, "Bottom line. Are you choosing to come over. Yes or no?l

I said no.

Then out of nowhere he says, "Don't think I want to have sex with you so if you think that put it out of your mind."

I totally want thinking that. (Should I have been?) I giggled.
I can't remember how we ended the conversation exactly. I know I mentioned something about going there in the DAYTIME the next day. We hung up.

Thursday, I was called in to help on the video set and called him to say I couldn't make it. He said he didn't remember us saying we would hang out but fine.

He calls me at 12:30am. I told him we were filming. He asked what time I would be done. It was supposed to be a light day so I said 2 or 3. He asked me to come over again. I said no. I thought it was inappropriate. He persisted. I asked, "What are your intentions?"

He said, "You are a grown woman. Do I have to spell it out for you?"

I felt that was hella rude and I was taken aback. I was like "Excuse me?"

He said, "Its okay if you're not attracted to me as a man as I am to you as a woman"

I said, "I am attracted to you but I think its too soon and I'm not ready to take that step. Don't you take your time. Everything feels so rushed."

He said, "Are you attracted to me? Do you want me to kiss you, hold you, touch you, make love to you?"

I said, "Yes but not all of that tonight." I told him that I probably wouldn't be coming over anyway because besides it being too late, I was working on a hot set all night and I'm sweaty and dirty.

He said, "If you really want to see me that shouldn't matter. I don't care."

I was stern and I said no. I'm not coming.

I had to go. I say this.

He says, "No one is stopping you!"
Word?!

He calls me back at 1:30, full on tired voice and says, "I'm waiting up on you."

Annoyed, I said, "No you're not. I'm not coming over!"

I hang up on him.

I'm pissed. I feel like all he wants is sex. At 7:30am, J is driving my home from the video set. TN calls. I ignore it and get upset. I tell him the whole story. He says: It must be more than sex if he's calling you at this time of the morning. If its just sex, he'll call you when its convenient.

I dunno. What do you guys think?
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Albinos r Hott!

Dear Guy w/Melanin Deficiency,

You're hott. Like really.And...I'm if it weren't 6:30am and I were in better clothes and you weren't dozing off every other train stop, I'd totally be hitting on you right now. I mean I think we'd be good together.

But...something tells me it wouldn't work. Maybe, just maybe because I keep picturing you with a normal skintone.

Sorry.

But...if you ever want to play big spoon-little spoon. I'm your girl.

I have to stop looking at you now. The girl next to you might get the wrong impression.

Til the next sleepy awkward train ride we take together. Hopefully, I would've cared enough to actually bring a matching purse and your eyes will be open for more than a minute.

Regards.
J

Let them eat cake!

I was reading the fish's blog about notes she received from her high school boyfriend. It made me remember. Remember notes being passed from me to BigTimeHighSchoolLove. The type of love that kept me for 3 years and broke my heart. It was the love that made me bitter and angry for years, looking in the face of men knowing they were just like him. He wrote me notes.

It made me nostalgic.

It made me realize how painfully young I was and how words like love, lust, infatuation, and sex in my wise old age of 21 years --- those words were like French to me back then. I knew their meanings. I could conjugate them to different tenses..even use them in a sentence, but their true interpretation...I could not fathom.

And now, they're becoming more like Spanish. I know their meaning more.

I can speak it more fluently. And...I want it. I want to be romanced.
Open my door. Pull out my chair. Tell me I'm beautiful and special and
dammit...you l-o-v-e me. More importantly, make me feel it.

Spiraling back into Afroman's arms, rather.....having him spiral back into my bed feels good. Feels damn good in the respect that he knows my body. He knows my mind. He knows my craziness and yet he doesn't run away.

Does he make me feel loved? Sometimes.

Its not that "can'tbreathewithoutyouGetallgiddywithyounexttome.myheartwasostwithoutyou" love.

He's pleasing my body right now.
He's *dare I say* convenient. And so am I. *dare I say easy*

I want a man who will ease my load a little bit. Someone who will have my back. Someone who doesn't have me do the heavy-lifting in the relationship.

Like that song...
Been around the world
And I can't find my baby

For now, I guess I'm content with this convenient arrangement we have.
I'm having my cake...I need some ice cream too.

Back Kisses, Thunder, & Rain

The thunder crashed through the night sky as the lightning illuminated the entire house. I was alone as the wind pushed its way through the curtains. I lay in bed on my side, face towards the wall, with my back which would have been facing you. And I imagined your full lips kissing me the way I like, your hand creeping up the front of my shirt to fondle me. I imagined your breath on the nape of my neck and your warm body spooning behind me. I wanted to turn over and see you there. To have you kiss me fully on my mouth and to have your hads all over me. I wanted you to hold me last night. I'm not afraid of lightning or thunder. Nor am I disheartened by the sound of the heavy rain beating down on my windows.

But I missed you last night.
I miss the intimacy of having you near.

You said its nice to hold a woman at night. I think its nicer being held.

little pieces coming together

bought a bookcase for $40...tall, pine wood, and 5 shelves. realized that i do not need 5 shelves, can only adequately occupy 2 shelves, but am pleased with myself
and am very pleased to have a reason to read more.
am looking forward to placing gems on said bookcase...yay!

Mr. Phil keeps kissing and hugging me today and am loving every minute of it. Is very vry wonderful. AFFECTION! omg..almost forgot about that!
AFFECTION! and DISTRACTION!>>>>>lovely!

Am getting a kitten today. very very excited! even though I don't like cats. I am certain will love this cat. Probably because she is a weetle weetle baby. Thinking of naming her Domino, cause she's all white like Domino Sugar. We'll see. Gotta feel out her aura.
Very Very excited!!! stay tuned!

Would you mind mind-fucking me?

I want some good conversation. I miss having those with the opposite
sex. I want to meet a man that stimualtes me from head to toe.
A man that can speak with me for hours on end and can make me feel like
its been minutes.
Feeling kind of lonely. And horny. Masturbated all day and am still
thinking about giving myself a nightcap again.
Even debated about calling ole Afroman over...but thought against that
idea.
Getting back to the post topic.
I hardly see the point in talking to anyone anymore. I feel like there's
nothing that comes out of people's mouths.

Lust

I want to have some hot nasty raw ass fuckin sex.
The type of sex that makes ur toes curl, ur leg shake, your body sweat,
and your pussy throb and ache after.
I want my pussy licked and sucked on.
I want to get pounded.....
*sigh*

Mr. Lover Lover...yeah

I think I want to partake in having a lover. Yes, I said it...a lover! Mr. Phil seems like the perfect candidate. Yesterday we were touching and it was all so sensual. If you remember or have read my archives...Phil was the sexy co-worker I have the hots for. I was presented with the choice between him and Afroman and I chose AM. And...we see how that worked out. Now, his sexiness has grown exponentially and I have since upgraded him to the title of Mr. Phil. Anywho, Mr. Phil and I are great lover potential, because we have great conversation. He has told me about other women he's bedded and I try not to be jealous because I wish he was making sweet looove to me. His body is sexy and when he hugs me...he huuuugs me! So now, I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to get Mr.Phil in my bed.....hmmmmm....excited about my potential lover!

Blah blah blah

Thinking a lot about mylife...my goals, my aspirations....and I'm not by
any stretch of the imagination happy with any aspect of my life.

Let's see:
Work
Work sucks..and they're adding all these rules and letting rookies do
managerial jobs. Not paying enough and I just feel like shit/drinking at
the end of the day.

Sex
Horny as hell because I haven't really HAD sex lately. Partly to do
with

Living Situation
Mom dukes is driving me crazy. Nuff said.

No white flag yet! Hmph!

I swear Afroman is haunting me. He's all I can think about. But I refuse
to give in. Not until 1 full week because I don't think he's learned his
lesson. If he had, wouldn't he be at my house with flowers already?
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
I still don't understand the concept of
A. Being depressed about finding a job before u start but u quit b4 ur
current job having another one
B. Having me pay for everything...but I'm not taking care of u.
C. Allowing me to take care of you without feeling guuilt or remorse
enough to want to get a job
D. Knowing I got robbed 2x before 7pm and not walking me home after our
dates
E. Not wanting to walk on the outside of the street.....after I
explained it to u.
F. After 7 yrs of knowing each other and 4 months of being together, I
don't understand not wanting to take me home to meet ur family.

SO I'M NOT DONE BROODING YET....Even though, I do miss the knucklehead.
Oh well, I'm strong!

Hit the Purge Button

Incessantly tired. Waiting for that grand vacation where I just relax.I've been really depressed lately. Hiding it like a pro - hahaha...notreally. It comes out as anger but I'm really sad. Wishing that lifewould be better - sometimes thinking it should be...just because.

Thinking to myself more often than not...y? Why are we here? Why am Ihere? What's my purpose...since I'm not a supermodel...(personal joke)...and I'm not rich. Just a mortal human with $20 in my pocket for the next 2 weeks..yea...really realy broke-(thanks BGF!)..what am I supposed to be doing because my imagination and my thoughts of grandeurare interrupted by ringing phones, needy/annoying/angry customers and
when someeone screams "fuck" I want to scream it with them. Because I know how deep that comes from within.

And then...my friends....they're just as sad/angry as I am looking at me for help emotionally. Maybe I'm not emotionally available. Maybe I've just run out of cool/nice shit to say because I can't think of anything. But I'm known to be THE ONE everyone talks to and maybe that's just too intimidating for me. Half the time I want to cry right along with them but I'm not allowed because I'm me. Who do I talk to?
This blog...my phantom cult following. I imagine there are scores of you who gather around ur monitors every day awaiting my next issue of literary diarrhea.

I wish I wish I wish....
I could fly away.....
Maybe I'm not as strong as I thought I was...there's a hole in my armor and the arrow hit me sqaure in the middle of it. No one is supposed to know how tragic I am. I don't think they do.

Tired...incessantly

Incessantly tired. Waiting for that grand vacation where I just relax.
I've been really depressed lately. Hiding it like a pro - hahaha...not
really. It comes out as anger but I'm really sad. Wishing that life
would be better - sometimes thinking it should be...just because.
Thinking to myself more often than not...y? Why are we here? Why am I
here? What's my purpose...since I'm not a supermodel...(personal
joke)...and I'm not rich. Just a mortal human with $20 in my pocket for
the next 2 weeks..yea...really realy broke-(thanks BGF!)..what am I
supposed to be doing because my imagination and my thoughts of grandeur
are interrupted by ringing phones, needy/annoying/angry customers and
when someeone screams "fuck" I want to scream it with them. Because I
know how deep that comes from within.
And then...my friends....they're just as sad/angry as I am looking at me
for help emotionally. Maybe I'm not emotionally available. Maybe I've
just run out of cool/nice shit to say because I can't think of
anything. But I'm known to be THE ONE everyone talks to and maybe
that's just too intimidating for me. Half the time I want to cry right
along with them but I'm not allowed because I'm me. Who do I talk to?
This blog...my phantom cult following. I imagine there are scores of you
who gather around ur monitors every day awaiting my next issue of
literary diarrhea.
I wish I wish I wish....
I could fly away.....
Maybe I'm not as strong as I thought I was...there's a hole in my armor
and the arrow hit me sqaure in the middle of it.
No one is supposed to know how tragic I am. I don't think they do.
Take chances..tell the truth..date someone wrong for u...laugh til ur
stomach hurts...seek revenge..apologize..be random..spend all ur
cash....LIVE LIFE!