Sept Blog Challenge Day 1

Day 1- Post a photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.

This post is going to be graphic.

I woke up in The Nigerian's bed not having slept most of the night (and not for a good reason). Lately, I have not been sleeping well at all. He hugged and kissed me as I whispered "Good Morning" in his ear. He got up, used the bathroom and I did the same, almost falling over the latest one of his friends sleeping on his couch. I washed my mouth out with his mouthwash and came back to bed and laid next to him. I tried to kiss him but he moved away, saying he hadn't brushed his teeth yet. Am I nasty for not caring? He hugged me close as I turned on my side, my back to him. He fondled my breasts, stomach and played with my underwear.

He got up, put on a condom and took out some lube. As he pulled down my underwear, he started feeling at a patch of eczema that's on my hip. He asked me what it was and I told him. He said...isn't eczema a communicable disease? I told him, it was not but he wasn't sure. He kissed me as he laid down and pulled me on top of him. As I rode him, he made noises and pulled at my nipples. He stopped and asked, "Are you about to cum?" I told him I was not. This all-too familiar topic comes up every time we have sex. My inability to cum with penetration is wearing on both of us. Him, his pride and me, my patience and frustration on this topic. He told me to turn on the lights and lay down on my back.

I obeyed. "Masturbate," he said. My interest piqued, I did as I was told. I opened my legs and closed my eyes as he watched. I tried to keep my mind on him but I was thinking about Carter, about a threesome with me and his friend, B on his couch, about this lesbian girl he wants to eat me out. "Cum for daddy," he purred, messing up my concentration. I felt rushed. I lied and told him I was done. I came but really, I didn't. He entered me and the feeling was positively electrifying. My body was already sensitive because I was able to warm myself up. He was in heaven. I laughed and told him that he needs to be careful. We both have things to do and he's going to put both of us to sleep.

He turned me over. "I want to fuck your ass." This, another topic of discussion that wears on us as well. I'm not a fan of anal sex, having tried it with one or two other partners but he likes it the most. I don't want that to be apart of our sexual routine, as I envision those girls in porno, their anus wide holes. I conceded, curious to if it would hurt less than it did last time and if, magically, I would begin to enjoy it.

He entered me and it hurt like hell. I stopped him. We had lackluster vaginal sex for about 5 more minutes as I felt his disappointment drip down on me like his sweat. "Ok, let's try it again," I said. Biting the bullet, I tried to relax as much as possible. It hurt and I fell down on the bed with him still inside of me. He was moaning telling me how much it feels good to him. "Talk dirty to me." I just wanted him to be done and so, I said whatever in which he eventually came.

He gets up and he's like...oh shit, the condom is still inside you. I'm pissed and I go to the bathroom and try to force it out because there's no way I can put my finger up there and get it. I'm silently freaking out inside and he's like, you look mad. I say, "If there was something inside you, wouldn't you be a little upset? I know it's not technically your fault but damn!" He says, "Don't worry, you'll shit it out." He gets on the phone with his job trying to get more hours and then he calls some girl asking her if she's coming to his event on Friday. I can tell they're friends and he probably haven't spoken in a while and I'm like..."Do you have to have this conversation right now?" I calm down, feeling like there was nothing I could do. We both fall asleep on separate ends of his Queen bed.

We awake to B knocking on the door. B needs to get something from TN's closet so, he puts the covers e awake toover me. After B leaves, I get dressed. I calm down. B puts on Rick Ross' BMF and they start talking in stupid guy talk. TN starts moving his hands like how rappers do and he's like yea..I'm a boss. He then says some other things that I would expect an American-born man to say and I tell him to turn off Rick Ross because clearly, he's corrupting him. TN laughs and tells B what I said. He's like, "Just cause I don't talk like that doesn't mean I don't know the words to say. I just choose to be gentle with you." I say, "Yes, I appreciate that. I don't ever want to hear you talk like that to me." He laughs, saying yes...certain things I leave for the whores I'm used to dealing with. (there was a segway into that comment but its too much to type). I ask, "When are we hanging out?" He doesn't answer and I look at my watch, impatient. He says to call him and he'll make time but Thursday - Saturday, I should know that he's working. I say, "Yea, you probably say things like that to all your whores." "You are not a whore." "Just making sure you know that." "You are a very funny woman, ogbanje." I call him Eze which is Igbo for King. Ogbanje is like an evil spirit. Read more about it here. I tell him to find another name for me. That's not nice. He says it will be another Igbo word but he won't tell me what it means. We laugh. I speak to him in French. B sticks his nose in and tries to speak French very poorly.

I leave. Go to the store and buy a juice and some cookies. Take a cab home and fair enough, the condom passes out which was very weird. I resolve in myself that something's got to give. I don't want that to happen ever again. I tell BFF what happened and she freaks out more than me. I shower, dress and help Editor pack up because she has to move out of her house (long story). BFF picks me up and takes me to get something to eat and then home. I field calls from grandma's social worker and from her potential home health aide. I get stressed out because she needs 24 hour care once she's discharged. Also, Verizon sucks ass and hasn't turned on her phone. Her house is a mess. I also need to go grocery shopping for her. Instead of being discharged on Friday, she won't be discharged until the 21st of September. She won't be happy. By the time I get home, I'm stressed and tired. I fall asleep and wake up at 6pm. I get up, blog, tweet, pay some bills.

That was my day.

I'll explain how me and TN got back together and some other stuff in between at a later time.

Sense and Sensibility

I told BFF everything that happened yesterday (last post). I was struggling within myself because The Nigerian moves me. He makes me want something with him. He stirs something inside of me that hadn't been stirred in a while.

I was seriously thinking about breaking my celibacy for him.

BFF listened and talked to me about my reasons why. Honestly, I miss close intimate contact with someone but I want more than the physical stuff.

He would put the taste in my mouth but not quench my thirst.

"If he likes you, he will wait," she said.

Our generation doesn't know how to wait...doesn't know what too fast is and that's sad.

I want to do it but I'm not comfortable yet and why should I rush myself?

Tomorrow is the last discussion I want to have about it with him. At least for a while. Take it or leave it, I want to say. I'm prepared for both.
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Boundaries

(Long post)

I had a talk with Twin about the last post. I mean...if anyone could smack some sense into me, it would be him.

So, he told me I was being irrational, expecting The Nigerian to understand where I was coming from. So, we spoke briefly. He still wanted me to come to his house. I did.

As soon as I walked through the door, he hugged and kissed me. I could tell he really missed me. I met another random friend of his. His friend conveniently left and I sat on his chair. He knelt in front of me and started kissing on my thighs, running his hand up and down my legs. He parted them open. Stop. He looked at me like a child who'd been caught sneaking cookies.

I explained to him my celibacy. He looked shocked but he understood but I could still see a little sexual frustration.

He stood me up and we danced barefoot to an African artist named, Eve. It was beautiful. It felt so spontaneous and romantic. He grabbed me from behind. I could feel his excitement. He turned me around. Fell to his knees. Unbuttoned my shirt. TN...I said. He said he wanted to look at me.

I protested of course. We danced some more and kissed.

"What's the problem?" he asked.
"I have boundaries and you should respect that."
"I have boundaries too. Don't talk to me in public. Don't touch my hair. Don't kiss in public. How does that make you feel? Restricted right? I don't want to have boundaries with you. I want to go with the flow."

That sounded good to me. He took off my shirt and bra and stared at me. He took of my skirt and body shaper (lol).

"I have my period."
"I wasn't going to look inside you."
He traced his fingers down my spine tattoo and kissed it. He sat me down and took off his shirt and shorts. He did a lil spin for me.

"Look at me like how I'm looking at you."

He is gorgeous.

He led me to his bedroom and we laid on his bed holding each other.

"I just wanted to cuddle." he said.
He called me mysterious woman and looked in my eyes. I told him that he was the mysterious one and he told me to ask him anything I wanted to know. Again, blank.

I asked him about his past relationships. He said, they are the past. Why bring them up? Hmmmmm. He said I should never compare myself to any woman. Ever. (True true, lol)

He flipped me over and kissed me, opened my legs, let me feel his hardness, licked and sucked my breasts, held me. He felt so good.

"I want to devour you," he said looking into my eyes while dry humping me. (Lol)

We laid down wrapped in each other, saying little. He dozed off a bit. I was lost in my own thoughts. my phone was keeping me anxious as it went off ever 5 minutes. I had to leave soon to go to the movie set. J would be calling.

He did. He called and I got up and dressed. Perfect timing because his friend came back as soon as I was dressed and re-applied my makeup.

I told him I was considering breaking my celibacy with him, which I am. I don't like anxious feeling I get from him surrounding the topic so I think I'll let him wait some more. Even after my period is long gone.

I've been around enough to know once you stay in the house, once you start having sex, once you stop going out...that's it. How do I put this brotha on ice without hurting his pride and ego?
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Hungry Dog or Eager Man?

Soooooooo....we started making the movie that I wrote the screenplay to and it is GRUELING! I've been getting home at 9am each day which means I sleep all day and do it again. I've had no chance to get things done. My house is a mess. My grandmother's stuff is in disarray. I haven't been a productive at all.

Anyways...in the midst of this, I've been trying to hang out with TN, Twin and BFF. Needless to say, I haven't been successful.

Sooooo....Wednesday. We had a day off from filming but everyone was busy. I had a meeting for a photo shoot I did today and I promised my friend I'd see him rock his show. I got home at 1:30. The Nigerian called me asked me to come over. He also asked me to come over on Date #2 and I said no. This time I was like "What are we going to do?"

He said he just wanted to cuddle, talk and kiss. I thought it was cute.
He says, "I don't want to cuddle with you anymore. I'm not inviting you anymore. Coming over is a choice and you're choosing not to come."

I said, "Not really. I explained it to you. You know my reasons."

He said, "Bottom line. Are you choosing to come over. Yes or no?l

I said no.

Then out of nowhere he says, "Don't think I want to have sex with you so if you think that put it out of your mind."

I totally want thinking that. (Should I have been?) I giggled.
I can't remember how we ended the conversation exactly. I know I mentioned something about going there in the DAYTIME the next day. We hung up.

Thursday, I was called in to help on the video set and called him to say I couldn't make it. He said he didn't remember us saying we would hang out but fine.

He calls me at 12:30am. I told him we were filming. He asked what time I would be done. It was supposed to be a light day so I said 2 or 3. He asked me to come over again. I said no. I thought it was inappropriate. He persisted. I asked, "What are your intentions?"

He said, "You are a grown woman. Do I have to spell it out for you?"

I felt that was hella rude and I was taken aback. I was like "Excuse me?"

He said, "Its okay if you're not attracted to me as a man as I am to you as a woman"

I said, "I am attracted to you but I think its too soon and I'm not ready to take that step. Don't you take your time. Everything feels so rushed."

He said, "Are you attracted to me? Do you want me to kiss you, hold you, touch you, make love to you?"

I said, "Yes but not all of that tonight." I told him that I probably wouldn't be coming over anyway because besides it being too late, I was working on a hot set all night and I'm sweaty and dirty.

He said, "If you really want to see me that shouldn't matter. I don't care."

I was stern and I said no. I'm not coming.

I had to go. I say this.

He says, "No one is stopping you!"
Word?!

He calls me back at 1:30, full on tired voice and says, "I'm waiting up on you."

Annoyed, I said, "No you're not. I'm not coming over!"

I hang up on him.

I'm pissed. I feel like all he wants is sex. At 7:30am, J is driving my home from the video set. TN calls. I ignore it and get upset. I tell him the whole story. He says: It must be more than sex if he's calling you at this time of the morning. If its just sex, he'll call you when its convenient.

I dunno. What do you guys think?
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These Dreams are Forever!

Disclaimer: Today is the first day of my period so things may seem a little bit more dire than they actually are...you guys tell me!

So...my weekend rocked and it just makes sense that Monday would suck the air out of me, no?

My mom keeps blowing up my phone. She called me on Saturday and left me an urgent message to take my laundry out of the basement. That's not fucking urgent! She does things like that all the time and so of course, when I saw a bunch of missed calls, I was not eager to hear what she had to say. I call her back and she's like...I'm applying for you to be a court clerk. The due date for applications is July 13th.

She starts asking me a million questions abt my job history and I'm like, "Can I just apply at home myself?"

She like, "No. You don't have the type of Adobe needed for the app process."

I sigh. She's like, "Do you want me to apply or not?"

I say no. I don't want to be a damn court clerk!

She's like well, what you're doing is not bringing you any money so you need to do something. I ask if we could talk ablt it later. She's like "NO! I want to talk about it now!"

I hang up on her.

She calls me back.

She's like "l know you didn't hang up on me! You need to remember I'm not one of your little friends....blah blah blah.. Why can't you have a job and do what you need to do on the side?"

I say...You just don't understand what its like to have to do something and its not your passion.

She's like...you can't eat passion or pay your bills with it.

I'm like..I really don't want to talk about this now. She keeps pushing and pushing. Eventually, I just let her talk.

She gets the hint that I've shut down and so she's like..."Well since you don't want me to help you find a job, do it on your own but GET. A JOB!" Then she hangs up on me.

Yea, I'm not rolling in the dough...I'm struggling. Sometimes, I'd rather struggle and wear the same things over and over than work a fucking job that I hate day in and day out that sucks the life out of me...sucks the creativity out of me.

I don't know what I'm going to do.
Sometimes, I just feel like I'm not going to make it and that everyone who told me so are going to laugh in my face and my mother will be first in line.

etrange amour

I'm learning French so a lot of my titles/what I say will be in that langugage, fyi

Aussie called me yesterday. I did makeup for a wedding. The bride was happy and glowing. My money was on time with a lil extra....sweet. Anywhosies, he called me while I was waiting to begin the makeup. Clearly, I couldn't talk but I could tell he was sad about something. He refused to tell me what it was but...
but...
but....

My heart broke a little bit. There he was, sad or depressed and I couldn't do anything to help him out and then boom...here I go, sucked in a bit more actually WANTING to help him, almost needing him to lean on me a little bit because I (dare I say) LIKE him???

*gasp*

Its not killing me that I can't speak to him until Friday when his phone gets turned back on or that I don't know his address to (y'know) randomly show up at his house or that he can only speak to me for about 10 minutes at a time while he's at work...its just mildly annoying.

I mean, what does one DO with these feelings?

I suppose we can have a relationship but what does that even mean?

I've decided that I want to move to Bermuda at the end of the Summer. Maybe, late September...soooooooo.......do I play now and then forget him once Labor Day hits? Who needs the heartache?

I was eavesdropping on a conversation these two girls were having on the train. One girl was telling the other that her boyfriend was moving to Europe at the end of the summer. She met him last month and she really likes him and she didn't see the harm in having him as her boyfriend now even though he's leaving. I want to take stock in her thinking but it kind of sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Also, there are some other dudes I kind of have my eye on as well. So, do I play the field and keep Aussie at bay or do I go all in with him....**sigh**

I wish I could talk to him...like really really talk to him.

I was thinking about him...and men in general and how men lie because they're afraid they're not going to get the sex. I kind of just want to look him in the eye and tell him to give it to me straight...no fancy words...no promises...just tell me what he wants and why he wants it. I can handle hearing "I just want to fuck because I'm bored." I can deal with it. I just don't want to be lied to because it all comes out in the wash.

I don't want to invest feelings in some bullshit because...really..haven't we all?

eh-trahnge ah-mour