so, Autumn is here. and that means this is the time where every JOB basically...is hiring to gear up for the holiday season.
i have gone from scraping for hours to having 4 job offers.
1. continue to freelance and be guaranteed 30 hours a week until January.
(we all knows what happens in January. I get dropped like a bad habit.)
2. go back to my old old job before MAC. the people are petty and childish but I could make decent money.
3. possibly work for Kiehls. I'm starting the interview process which I'm 2 interviews away from...
4. possibly work for Nars. I have to go through the extensive interview processs
Part of me hates going back but I may end up back at Macys because...I'm guaranteed 40 hour a week and I'm also guaranteed to start within a week or so. I need the structure. I need the benefits. My plan is to save up all I can to move to Miami 6 months after I start working.
I've been struggling and hustling and I hate it.
However, Nars is the golden apple because it has COLOR!! And respects artistry. But, my time in NYC has to come to an end and soon. I hate it here. So...I have to keep telling myself this.
I just hope that with all these doors FINALLY opening for me that I'm not making a mistake. I guess time will tell. dun dun dun!
Showing posts with label schlob on my knob job. Show all posts
Showing posts with label schlob on my knob job. Show all posts
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Thursday, December 5, 2013
oh...that's how you communicate!
i had a really shitty day today.
just bitches being bitches and I came home and drank half a bottle of pink moscato because i'm a boss.
I called claude. he listened and reasoned with me. he made me feel better about my work situation.
and then we talked about our sexcapade on sunday.
he was....embarrassed.
honestly, the sex wasn't planned on any of our parts. he felt like he was too much in his head, wanting to please me and he ended up...not.
I told him I was worried he would think I was a sluthoe. he laughed and said he knows better.
we gave each other tips on how to get the other off.
we talked for 3 hours. about everything on our minds.
it was nice.
we made plans to have dinner at his place on this sunday. next Saturday, we're going to see Ginuwine. the next sunday is his 40th birthday...(whoa) and he requested I cook for him (yea, good luck to both of us) and then the next Saturday, we're going to see Keith Sweat.
he likes live music.
and 90s heartthrobs...lol.
so, he's my boyfriend. at least for the next month.
crossing my fingers it lasts til valentine's day.
just bitches being bitches and I came home and drank half a bottle of pink moscato because i'm a boss.
I called claude. he listened and reasoned with me. he made me feel better about my work situation.
and then we talked about our sexcapade on sunday.
he was....embarrassed.
honestly, the sex wasn't planned on any of our parts. he felt like he was too much in his head, wanting to please me and he ended up...not.
I told him I was worried he would think I was a sluthoe. he laughed and said he knows better.
we gave each other tips on how to get the other off.
we talked for 3 hours. about everything on our minds.
it was nice.
we made plans to have dinner at his place on this sunday. next Saturday, we're going to see Ginuwine. the next sunday is his 40th birthday...(whoa) and he requested I cook for him (yea, good luck to both of us) and then the next Saturday, we're going to see Keith Sweat.
he likes live music.
and 90s heartthrobs...lol.
so, he's my boyfriend. at least for the next month.
crossing my fingers it lasts til valentine's day.
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
go for it
I woke up this morning determined to really pursue getting a new job which basically means going to all these fancy smancy department stores...putting in my resume and hoping someone bites.
I went to Saks and felt really inadequate. People smiled at me and I saw a few familiar faces but I just didn't feel right. My friends who are freelancers gave me some tips to help me...y'know...what to say, what to do...where to go...and I felt a little bit better. I went to Nars and dropped off my resume and then hightailed it out of there!
All 3 people that I spoke to in Saks was like...GO TO MAC! What's wrong with you?
And while that's really where I wanted to be...I don't know, I felt like I had to go to all these other places first.
I was in the area, passing by and so I went in to MAC and the first girls I ran into was like.."Oh what MAC do you work at?"
Me??????
I don't work at MAC, I just wanted to put my app in..the manager looked at me and said, WOW! He didn't have any openings but told me who does and I ran over there. The response was awesome.
I felt really good about it.
I should expect a call about an interview in a week or so.
I have no idea what I was thinking...I want to work for MAC, so I'm going to stick it out until I can.
Point blank.
Things are good with The Frenchman. I feel so secure and relaxed. I know he likes me. I believe him when he says he wants to be with me for a while. We talked about communication and he's working on it. We'll see where it goes..things are super mellow. I feel the difference when someone wants to rush things but it feels like we're taking our time.
I went to Saks and felt really inadequate. People smiled at me and I saw a few familiar faces but I just didn't feel right. My friends who are freelancers gave me some tips to help me...y'know...what to say, what to do...where to go...and I felt a little bit better. I went to Nars and dropped off my resume and then hightailed it out of there!
All 3 people that I spoke to in Saks was like...GO TO MAC! What's wrong with you?
And while that's really where I wanted to be...I don't know, I felt like I had to go to all these other places first.
I was in the area, passing by and so I went in to MAC and the first girls I ran into was like.."Oh what MAC do you work at?"
I don't work at MAC, I just wanted to put my app in..the manager looked at me and said, WOW! He didn't have any openings but told me who does and I ran over there. The response was awesome.
I should expect a call about an interview in a week or so.
I have no idea what I was thinking...I want to work for MAC, so I'm going to stick it out until I can.
Point blank.
Things are good with The Frenchman. I feel so secure and relaxed. I know he likes me. I believe him when he says he wants to be with me for a while. We talked about communication and he's working on it. We'll see where it goes..things are super mellow. I feel the difference when someone wants to rush things but it feels like we're taking our time.
Friday, March 22, 2013
today
there are times in my life i feel so utterly lonely.
in europe, i was alone. i was by myself in countries that didn't speak my language. i had to fend for myself. motivate myself when things didn't go my way. i was responsible for catching trains/buses/planes and for every activity i did.
who knew that at home, i would feel like even more alone...lonely. there are people here that i can talk to freely. everyone (for the most part) speaks english but most times, i feel like i have no one to talk to.
perhaps, that's why i started the blog.
i am tired.
emotionally, mentally, physically.
this city drains everything you have.
and then you try to date because everyone in your life has someone except you.
and it doesn't necessarily work.
and you feel like a failure.
and i wonder.. what is wrong with me?
i am beautiful, smart, funny, ambitious, driven...i have morals, manners...i speak well, i dress well, i like sex...at any available opportunity with a partner i trust, i'm all over it.
but i'm fucking alone.
and that fucks with your psyche like...what am i missing?
like, where is my man? why isn't he here?
i'm so tired of feeling so alone all the time.
understanding that alone is different from lonely.
somewhere along this month, i stopped trying to do things. with my book, with my career. everything feels like an uphill battle.
and i just don't know what to do....
i don't know who to reach out to...
i don't know how to make myself feel better...
i feel like being an ostrich and sticking my head in the sand and just giving up.
the only thing i can say to myself is that this will be one of those entries that i will remember later on when i'm happy and shake my head and remember how bad this felt and be glad i felt this bad...because it made me appreciate the happy.
for now, it just sucks.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
decisions decisions
My job isn't hard.
People come to this big department store and they look at makeup.
I walk up to them and ask them if they need help.
If they say yes, I ask questions, they ask questions, I find products to help them.
Sometimes they buy. Sometimes they say they're going to look around and never come back. Sometimes they do. Sometimes they just go about their merry way.
Sometimes, people just hand me a list of products they want to buy. I like these people.
Rinse and repeat.
I've spent the past hour laying in bed in the dark not able to go to sleep just thinking about why I hate my job.
Hint: It has nothing to do with the job.
A few of my coworkers are cookoo for cocoa puffs.
The amount of stress I feel right now is so intense..I wish I had a bottle of alcohol to dull the edges of it in my brain.
I am stressed about work and money.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do but the last time I felt this way, I left.
I just saw a mouse in my bedroom. I suddenly feel dirty. There's never just 1 mouse. They come in packs and now I'm stressed about mice, money and work.
I feel so worn out working days and days on end. The same grind. Numbers and people and coworkers and at the end of the day...the only thing I wanted to do was makeup.
I'm thinking about becoming a freelancer. That would mean not having a steady job I punch in and out of everyday. That would also mean possibly having a part time job to make up for not having a steady job.
This path is uncertain.
***sigh***
Something has to change.
People come to this big department store and they look at makeup.
I walk up to them and ask them if they need help.
If they say yes, I ask questions, they ask questions, I find products to help them.
Sometimes they buy. Sometimes they say they're going to look around and never come back. Sometimes they do. Sometimes they just go about their merry way.
Sometimes, people just hand me a list of products they want to buy. I like these people.
Rinse and repeat.
I've spent the past hour laying in bed in the dark not able to go to sleep just thinking about why I hate my job.
Hint: It has nothing to do with the job.
A few of my coworkers are cookoo for cocoa puffs.
The amount of stress I feel right now is so intense..I wish I had a bottle of alcohol to dull the edges of it in my brain.
I am stressed about work and money.
I'm not sure what I'm going to do but the last time I felt this way, I left.
I just saw a mouse in my bedroom. I suddenly feel dirty. There's never just 1 mouse. They come in packs and now I'm stressed about mice, money and work.
I feel so worn out working days and days on end. The same grind. Numbers and people and coworkers and at the end of the day...the only thing I wanted to do was makeup.
I'm thinking about becoming a freelancer. That would mean not having a steady job I punch in and out of everyday. That would also mean possibly having a part time job to make up for not having a steady job.
This path is uncertain.
***sigh***
Something has to change.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
New Kid on the Block
Today was my 1st day at the new gig. At lunch, I was looking around and I was like ... Wow. This is so much better than the old job. For more money and half the headache. Wow. I LOVE IT. Then I decided that I was getting ahead of myself and I should probably give it a month or so.
Of course...there are problems and problematic people.
No one seems happy which my last job taught me
..
Is a red flag.
Most of the problems stem from a certain manager....so....I can stay away from her and be cool.
I've also decided to keep to myself in general. Less conflict. Everything seems like its going to be okay. :)
Of course...there are problems and problematic people.
No one seems happy which my last job taught me
..
Is a red flag.
Most of the problems stem from a certain manager....so....I can stay away from her and be cool.
I've also decided to keep to myself in general. Less conflict. Everything seems like its going to be okay. :)
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Woosahhhhhhh
Today was my last day of work and it was......uneventful. I got lots of hugs and gave out my number to lots of people I hope will NEVER use it. There were many many questions of...."where are you going" and "can I come too?"
Sidenote: How do I forget my password to blogger when its the same password I have for every account? then I change it and forget that password too?
A mess! (LOL)
Anyway...I have learned a lot from this job. I'm more than a little nervouse to go from trainer to trainee but tfor $4 more per hour, I think I can handle it.
I created a Vision Board in 10 minutes using Picasa. Its basically a photo collage of things that I wan it in the new year. I may do one for each month to keep me focused on what I can accomplish...I'm not sure if I said this in the last post but this year, I want to be "on it." I want each month to push me further toward my goals. i need to be focused and accomplish something! I'm the type of person that needs a plan - the big picture. I sometimes get overwhelmed by the big picture so I need to break it down into smaller less-overwhelming bites.
This is my vision board for 2012. (From top left to righ)
I want to experience God in a new way. I know this will take more effort from me because God meets you where you are. This picture also represents peace and serenity.
I need to save more money.
Speaking of money, I want to have more of a strategy behind my actions. I want to plan, follow the steps and go through with the plan so it will work
Next...Of course, I want love. I need love...I can't remember the last time I was kissed...i'm sure it was Aussie back in....september?? too long!!!
I want to redecorate my apartment.
I need balance. I find myself going off the deep end with most things and losing myself in work, in church, in whatever...if I could just keep my head.
TRAVEL! Give me a night flight....beautiful!
I want to go back to school this year.
I also want to upgrade my style and get serious about my fitness.
I want to drink less soda and do better with my dance at church
And I want to be driving a car by this time next year...it is 12 degrees tonight and I was on the bus. NO BUENO.
What are your new year plans (not resolutions). Do you have a vision board?
Sunday, January 1, 2012
2012 > 2011
Hello Loves!
I am super tired. I told myself I would clean my house and get on the ball today but halfway through the day, I said "eff it"...I am tired.
Sunday night (Dec. 25th) I took a plane home from North Carolina (stories to come soon) and woke up Monday morning to go to work. Went to work each day. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday morning were 3 hour dance rehearsals. Saturday (yesterday, NYE) I went to work at 7:30 - 4:30. Went to church for 5:30. Basically danced from then until 10:30. Went home and was in bed by 11:45. My body is like...seriously?
Anyways..I guess I have some 'splaining to do.
Job
Retail is the type of business where people come and people go - that's just the nature of things ...most of the time, when folks leave, they don't even give notice. So..when I gave 4 days notice...I thought it would be no problem.
All the managers I have were called in for a crisis intervention.
I was told that I am a valued employee...they've invested into me...it feels like a slap in the face...yadda yadda yadda
and then I hit them with the blank stare.
they resorted to threats.
If you don't give us the full 2 weeks notice...we're going to make it so that you can never work for any estee lauder company ever again. estee lauder owns 40% of the cosmetic brands out there. fyi.
so, of course i gave them the effing 2 weeks.
Luckily, the new job understood and allowed me to take the full 2 weeks....I am so aggravated. One of my bosses..the one who actually interviewed me for the position was like..we're sad to see you go. all i could was give an awkward smile.
and then i giggled nervously and my manager gave me the side-eye so i walked away.
anywho..i start the new job on thursday! woot woot!
Thursday, December 15, 2011
Prayer Changes Thangs
Hey Boos!!
Thank you for your prayers...I didn't realize you guys left comments because for some reason, my comments weren't going to my email.
Anyways....
They worked!!!!
I got the job!! I will be making $4 more per hour + 3% commission on everything I sell.
So.....I made $202,202 at the current job in 5 months. That translated to $303 each week extra I could've been paid.
I'm excited and a little scared. Commission sales are hard. The chicks at my job went IN and we weren't getting paid on comm. I'm pretty sure I can do the job and do it well but I will go from training folks to being trained. To knowing every aspect of the job to not knowing anything at all.
All these what-ifs are clouding my head...what if I get fired for not making sales? What if no one likes me? What if? What if? What if?
I've been relying on prayer to get me through most days lately...prayer will definitely see me through. What-ifs paralyze us. I'm done with being stuck.
Now...how do I tell my boss I want to leave? And before Secret Santa happens? And my gratis (free stuff) is almost within my reach as well....AND I love my Account Exec from Clinique. How do I tell her I'm leaving but want to maintain my relationship with her. So many questions.....*le sigh*
I'm sure it will all get sorted out somehow.
Thank you for your prayers...I didn't realize you guys left comments because for some reason, my comments weren't going to my email.
Anyways....
They worked!!!!
I got the job!! I will be making $4 more per hour + 3% commission on everything I sell.
So.....I made $202,202 at the current job in 5 months. That translated to $303 each week extra I could've been paid.
I'm excited and a little scared. Commission sales are hard. The chicks at my job went IN and we weren't getting paid on comm. I'm pretty sure I can do the job and do it well but I will go from training folks to being trained. To knowing every aspect of the job to not knowing anything at all.
All these what-ifs are clouding my head...what if I get fired for not making sales? What if no one likes me? What if? What if? What if?
I've been relying on prayer to get me through most days lately...prayer will definitely see me through. What-ifs paralyze us. I'm done with being stuck.
Now...how do I tell my boss I want to leave? And before Secret Santa happens? And my gratis (free stuff) is almost within my reach as well....AND I love my Account Exec from Clinique. How do I tell her I'm leaving but want to maintain my relationship with her. So many questions.....*le sigh*
I'm sure it will all get sorted out somehow.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
budget living
the past two weeks, i have given myself a pretty strict budget.
my bills are out of control. i don't really know what i'm spending money on...i'm a mess.
this week, i'm a bit more structured. all of my money is in envelopes marked what it is for. no dipping in other envelopes and i see clearly where my money is...
i got the bright idea thursday night that for my birthday...feb 4th....i want to spend 2 nights in my fave hotel. my bday is on a saturday. friday, i would check in to wake up on BDAY to some champagne, roses and room service; spend the day at the hotel spa and have a fabulous dinner that night. i would check out on sunday.
my fave hotel is the gansevoort.
so, i did some research.
umm...they want $319 per night. O.o
so, i did some more research.
of course, i live in nyc. a nice hotel in a posh neighborhood where the room is bigger than a utility closet will AT MINIMUM cost me $174 per night. hotel spas are a rip off...i'm talking $400 for a damn 60-minute massage. for $400, i want tyson beckford to be my masseuse licking chocolate off my back. OK!
anywhosies...
i did sign up for spa week and i'm looking at some deals.
i'm also on hotels.com...
thank goodness time is on my side!
every year, my birthday has sucked! the best year was probably 2010..my launch party. when i told twin today my bday plans..he was like..ok...so, who is going to be with you? i said..no one. i want to wake up alone on my birthday, reflect on my year, relax at the spa by myself...the dinner will be planned in advance and whoever shows up, shows up. no reservations. no tracking people down. i'm done. if i end up eating alone, i'm good with that too. if i want my birthday to be great, its up to me! he was like...you going back to the hotel alone? i would rather not...but honestly, i have had no appetite for having sex with anyone. don't get me wrong..i love sex. having sex is fun. but there is no one i would want to have sex with right now. hopefully, i'll have a birthday boo but for now...i am good.
crazy coworker 1 aka shy got fired on thursday. so, i will be picking up extra hours...i will work every friday (if i can) until they replace her which will be at least a good month or two AND the holidays are here so that means overtime as well! according to my calculations, if i can save $60 every week, i will be able to afford a decent hotel with the roses/champagne/spa day and dinner. if i work it enough, maybe an outfit or some new shoes. if i do at least 6 extra hours a week, i can save up some extra $$ for some extra perks. my budget is TIGHT so i need to make some magic happen.
also, i have to think about what i'm getting some folks for christmas. literally 5 people are getting gifts: my mom, twin, my godbaby, my dance leader and whoever impresses me from now until then. each gift will be under $50 and unique. my godbaby will probably get some diapers and formula or a savings bond or something.
i hate my job but a girl's gotta make it do what it do.
also...this weekend, i'm re-doing my resume. there's an internet cafe across from my job. everyday, i plan on spending $2/10 minutes sending out resumes on my lunch break. (it is not an effing game!)
if you guys have the hook-up for some nice hotels in nyc, let a sista know! please and thank you.
my bills are out of control. i don't really know what i'm spending money on...i'm a mess.
this week, i'm a bit more structured. all of my money is in envelopes marked what it is for. no dipping in other envelopes and i see clearly where my money is...
i got the bright idea thursday night that for my birthday...feb 4th....i want to spend 2 nights in my fave hotel. my bday is on a saturday. friday, i would check in to wake up on BDAY to some champagne, roses and room service; spend the day at the hotel spa and have a fabulous dinner that night. i would check out on sunday.
my fave hotel is the gansevoort.
so, i did some research.
umm...they want $319 per night. O.o
so, i did some more research.
of course, i live in nyc. a nice hotel in a posh neighborhood where the room is bigger than a utility closet will AT MINIMUM cost me $174 per night. hotel spas are a rip off...i'm talking $400 for a damn 60-minute massage. for $400, i want tyson beckford to be my masseuse licking chocolate off my back. OK!
anywhosies...
i did sign up for spa week and i'm looking at some deals.
i'm also on hotels.com...
thank goodness time is on my side!
every year, my birthday has sucked! the best year was probably 2010..my launch party. when i told twin today my bday plans..he was like..ok...so, who is going to be with you? i said..no one. i want to wake up alone on my birthday, reflect on my year, relax at the spa by myself...the dinner will be planned in advance and whoever shows up, shows up. no reservations. no tracking people down. i'm done. if i end up eating alone, i'm good with that too. if i want my birthday to be great, its up to me! he was like...you going back to the hotel alone? i would rather not...but honestly, i have had no appetite for having sex with anyone. don't get me wrong..i love sex. having sex is fun. but there is no one i would want to have sex with right now. hopefully, i'll have a birthday boo but for now...i am good.
crazy coworker 1 aka shy got fired on thursday. so, i will be picking up extra hours...i will work every friday (if i can) until they replace her which will be at least a good month or two AND the holidays are here so that means overtime as well! according to my calculations, if i can save $60 every week, i will be able to afford a decent hotel with the roses/champagne/spa day and dinner. if i work it enough, maybe an outfit or some new shoes. if i do at least 6 extra hours a week, i can save up some extra $$ for some extra perks. my budget is TIGHT so i need to make some magic happen.
also, i have to think about what i'm getting some folks for christmas. literally 5 people are getting gifts: my mom, twin, my godbaby, my dance leader and whoever impresses me from now until then. each gift will be under $50 and unique. my godbaby will probably get some diapers and formula or a savings bond or something.
i hate my job but a girl's gotta make it do what it do.
also...this weekend, i'm re-doing my resume. there's an internet cafe across from my job. everyday, i plan on spending $2/10 minutes sending out resumes on my lunch break. (it is not an effing game!)
if you guys have the hook-up for some nice hotels in nyc, let a sista know! please and thank you.
Monday, October 3, 2011
happy and sad
i'm super happy to be going to houston. i arrive 11:59 on this thursday evening and its amazing that trish has been generous enough to help me with a ticket and open her doors to me (and my pooch)...who does that?? thank you!!!
this trip has been the light at the end of the tunnel for me because there are so many things making me sad here. i'm going to try and balance the happy with the sad.
happy
louie (i changed the spelling of his name) is so sweet and he listens to commands. he peed on my floor and i told him to go! and he went...lol.
sad
aussie and i were supposed to hang out last night. i told myself ...i would not confirm the date nor would i cook because i want to see his intentions. i am usually the one confirming our meet-ups just because i am super type a all the time and i always have a hot meal waiting for him. i was kind of OVER aussie anyway because we were also supposed to hang out on friday at his house which he conveniently misunderstood as us meeting at my house. i've known this dude for 3 years and i still haven't been invited to his house. something is fishy. so..anyways,i did compromise and agree to meet at my house on sunday because i wanted to see him before i left for houston and i really just needed a hug and a kiss. you know..some affection. but not really sex cuz that ish is PAINFUL right now.
anyways....sunday, i get a text from him asking, "what's for dinner?"
me: ?
aussie: oh ok then
me: you're welcome to bring something
aussie: i don't have anything (umm, what does that mean?)
me: so, you going home first?
aussie: i don't have food at home. (IS IT MY RESPONSIBILITY TO FEED YOU?)
me: so, what do you want to do?
aussie: idk
me: ok, let me know.
did he indeed let me know? NO. I actually called him today and he didn't pick up.
HOW RUDE!
so, i went through the motions: angry then sad. hoping indifference would be next.
its not about being stood up...its about me not providing a need for him and him going ghost. ugh! i don't even want to talk about it anymore. i knew better. i deserve better and i'm just not going to go backwards anymore.
sn: how you gonna be on facebook talking about.."call you anything but broke" and all this other shit and you don't even have money for food. you can't even bring over some chinese to my house. i bet if i said all this shit about how i can do splits and cartwheels in the bedroom and then when it came down to it, said i was celibate, i'd get into some serious trouble. OVER IT.
happy
i went IN on my makeup today. i looked really nice.
sad.
my job.
is killing me.
as wynsters says all the time, "i need a grown up job with a grown up salary."
i got picked on hella hard today and was threateneed to be sent home if i don't keep my white lab coat clean.
firstly, WHO THE FUCK gives someone who works with makeup all day a white lab coat? THEN, i'm expected to clean dust, get stock from a dirty stock room and do all this foolishness in a white lab coat.
PLEASE SEND ME FUCKING HOME. Jerk.
oh yea...AND my nails are hunter green when they're supposed to be clear, pink or red. I really want to be like "Fuck OFf!"
i'm so tired. i'm so tired. i'm so tired.
i gotta make some major changes.
happy.
we danced yesterday in church and people are giving us rave reviews.
sad.
bff is lost in the baby sauce.
chick doesn't respond to texts/phone calls until days later. i called her on friday and am still waiting for a response (monday night)...smh.
i want to ask her to take me to the airport on thursday but honestly, walking to the airport seems like an easier option. like, by the time, i'd get a yes or a no...i'll already be in houston or be looking for a ride back home from the airport.
i'm kind of over that situation too.
we're just 2 different people. i always reach out to the people around me. i couldn't really be in a bubble like that...not unless i purposefully did so and that would mean serious depression.its just annoying.
happy.
i'm pretty sure i have first world problems and it could be worse. i'm blessed.
this trip has been the light at the end of the tunnel for me because there are so many things making me sad here. i'm going to try and balance the happy with the sad.
happy
louie (i changed the spelling of his name) is so sweet and he listens to commands. he peed on my floor and i told him to go! and he went...lol.
sad
aussie and i were supposed to hang out last night. i told myself ...i would not confirm the date nor would i cook because i want to see his intentions. i am usually the one confirming our meet-ups just because i am super type a all the time and i always have a hot meal waiting for him. i was kind of OVER aussie anyway because we were also supposed to hang out on friday at his house which he conveniently misunderstood as us meeting at my house. i've known this dude for 3 years and i still haven't been invited to his house. something is fishy. so..anyways,i did compromise and agree to meet at my house on sunday because i wanted to see him before i left for houston and i really just needed a hug and a kiss. you know..some affection. but not really sex cuz that ish is PAINFUL right now.
anyways....sunday, i get a text from him asking, "what's for dinner?"
me: ?
aussie: oh ok then
me: you're welcome to bring something
aussie: i don't have anything (umm, what does that mean?)
me: so, you going home first?
aussie: i don't have food at home. (IS IT MY RESPONSIBILITY TO FEED YOU?)
me: so, what do you want to do?
aussie: idk
me: ok, let me know.
did he indeed let me know? NO. I actually called him today and he didn't pick up.
HOW RUDE!
so, i went through the motions: angry then sad. hoping indifference would be next.
its not about being stood up...its about me not providing a need for him and him going ghost. ugh! i don't even want to talk about it anymore. i knew better. i deserve better and i'm just not going to go backwards anymore.
sn: how you gonna be on facebook talking about.."call you anything but broke" and all this other shit and you don't even have money for food. you can't even bring over some chinese to my house. i bet if i said all this shit about how i can do splits and cartwheels in the bedroom and then when it came down to it, said i was celibate, i'd get into some serious trouble. OVER IT.
happy
i went IN on my makeup today. i looked really nice.
sad.
my job.
is killing me.
as wynsters says all the time, "i need a grown up job with a grown up salary."
i got picked on hella hard today and was threateneed to be sent home if i don't keep my white lab coat clean.
firstly, WHO THE FUCK gives someone who works with makeup all day a white lab coat? THEN, i'm expected to clean dust, get stock from a dirty stock room and do all this foolishness in a white lab coat.
PLEASE SEND ME FUCKING HOME. Jerk.
oh yea...AND my nails are hunter green when they're supposed to be clear, pink or red. I really want to be like "Fuck OFf!"
i'm so tired. i'm so tired. i'm so tired.
i gotta make some major changes.
happy.
we danced yesterday in church and people are giving us rave reviews.
sad.
bff is lost in the baby sauce.
chick doesn't respond to texts/phone calls until days later. i called her on friday and am still waiting for a response (monday night)...smh.
i want to ask her to take me to the airport on thursday but honestly, walking to the airport seems like an easier option. like, by the time, i'd get a yes or a no...i'll already be in houston or be looking for a ride back home from the airport.
i'm kind of over that situation too.
we're just 2 different people. i always reach out to the people around me. i couldn't really be in a bubble like that...not unless i purposefully did so and that would mean serious depression.its just annoying.
happy.
i'm pretty sure i have first world problems and it could be worse. i'm blessed.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Updates!
I'm still alive ya'll.
Let me try to update you guys in a way that in concise and ish.
Love and Other Drugs
In my mind DK and I are done-zo. I'd been weaning myself off of thinking about him after we went out about 2 or 3 weeks ago. We met up and sat in Bryant Park. We talked about some things. He basically said what he always says...hold on....when I start school it will be better. I'll have less jobs...yadda yadda yadda....
I won't lie. I was kinda stuck on him because I don't like anyone. A man has to have the right mix of intellect, ambition, humor and social skills for me to melt like butter. He has it. Every relationship needs attention and affection to grow and we weren't growing. So, I needed to move on so that I wouldn't remain stuck and I wouldn't start resenting him.
At the end of the day, I felt like he had me on lay-away and that he just wasn't that into me. Today in church, my pastor said the craziest thing. He said, "Ladies, don't you ever wait for a man. Once you wait and they come back to you, they realize they've outgrown you." - Oh hells nawl. I'm not going to be a sucka. All I can see is...*Antoine D voice* 'He is dumb. he is really really dumb' - to not want to scoop my flyy ass up. *drops mic* "Sexual Chocolate everybody!"
So, of course in my craziness, I decided to try Match.com on the insistence of BFF and Toni Childs. I tried it free and poked my head around because I felt like anyone paying $20 - $40 a month is hella serious about finding someone. Of course, all the dudes that hit me up were over 40, sometimes over 50. and white. Ummm, I would date a white boy. He has to be a certain type of man. Old and over 50 is not him. So, I need to delete my profile.
Smh.
I think I'm just going to give this whole dating thing a rest. Its becoming an anxious thing for me. Everytime I go out, I think...am I going to see a cute guy today? If so, will he/I be interested? Its a drain!
That draining feeling is what kind of kept me stuck on DK for longer than it would've normally had...because the process of finding someone sucks. I guess because they're supposed to find you.
I am kinda lonely though. Lonely is no joke. Lonely eats at you. Lonely gets you into trouble because you run to the wrong things trying to get away from it. It hasn't driven me insane yet. So, I guess I'm alright.
Work and Projects
Work was kicking my ass for a while (like a month and a half). I literally am at work all day like "these people are nuts!" My body is used to standing up all day. Its the salary that needs adjusting. I'm trying to move my way up and stuff.
I was Service Leader of the Day which means I got $10, my pic on the wall in the lunchroom and 3 pseudo-expensive perfumes. The other girls are hating. So, me being me, I started singing Trina "Baddest Bitch" to them.
My boss keeps saying that I'm her favorite. That ish is going to cause contention with my co-workers soon. I can tell but I'm hoping that it'll be okay. I may have an opportunity to do a makeup event with my company and go traveling to the different stores. *crossed fingers*
I need more money!! Damn!
I resigned my position at the magazine. It feels like a weight off my shoulders. I wished Editor the best and I meant it. Her dependency on me was probably holding her back. Who knows? Only God.
Friends
BFF had Baby BFF on August 16th. She was 7lbs 10oz. She is a doll!!!
Punjabi has been really excellent with the baby and of course BFF has stars in her eyes and ish. she needs to get real about what she wants and what's feasibly her future with dude.
He overheard me and Toni talking bad about him. I felt bad and sent him an apology text. My friendship with BFF is changing. I realized two things about her.
1. She can't hold water. She told me about a conversation she had with her ex-husband. She told him that Toni was having a relationship with her cousin. She told everyone that Toni was having a relationship with her cousin. She told her ex that Toni saw him on TV twice in the same jeans. The first thing he said was, "Tell Toni to stop fucking her cousin." O.O In the moment, it was funny but then I thought...if she told this man she speaks to maybe 10 times a year something hella personal about Toni, what has she told him about me? What does Toni know about me if I know some SHIT about her? For a moment, it felt hypocritical of me to blog about her in detail and I have told Twin some stuff about BFF and Toni but the people I've told stuff, I know they would never ever throw it back in her face. The chances of you blog readers of meeting me and her aren't that slim but I'm sure you decent people wouldn't be like..."wait, are you the girl that was fucking her cousin?" after saying hello.
Now that I think about it, Toni mentioned something in mixed company that I did and I was hella embarassed about it. She only knew about it because BFF told her. SO, I guess that puts the nail in that coffin. Moral of the day, ladies and gents, if a friend tells you something and you just MUST share it: blog it anonymously and make sure they don't dig blogs, tell someone whom you know will never tell another soul or at least blurt it out in front of them or just tell it to Jesus.
2. Toni also said she would stop telling BFF about her relationship with Punjabi. Clearly, she's not going anywhere. Why should I listen to her bitch and moan about what he does to her - what she allows him to do to her - when she doesn't heed my advice? My advice hasn't changed... Leave that n-word alone! Since she wants to marry him (!!!) and make babies with him and such...what I say is like a drop in a bucket of water - inconsequential.
I know our relationship is changing because once you start limiting your communication with people...what you can and can't say to them...its over!
But the other part of me is saying I need life-long friends around me. What do you think?
That's all for now.
Let me try to update you guys in a way that in concise and ish.
Love and Other Drugs
In my mind DK and I are done-zo. I'd been weaning myself off of thinking about him after we went out about 2 or 3 weeks ago. We met up and sat in Bryant Park. We talked about some things. He basically said what he always says...hold on....when I start school it will be better. I'll have less jobs...yadda yadda yadda....
I won't lie. I was kinda stuck on him because I don't like anyone. A man has to have the right mix of intellect, ambition, humor and social skills for me to melt like butter. He has it. Every relationship needs attention and affection to grow and we weren't growing. So, I needed to move on so that I wouldn't remain stuck and I wouldn't start resenting him.
At the end of the day, I felt like he had me on lay-away and that he just wasn't that into me. Today in church, my pastor said the craziest thing. He said, "Ladies, don't you ever wait for a man. Once you wait and they come back to you, they realize they've outgrown you." - Oh hells nawl. I'm not going to be a sucka. All I can see is...*Antoine D voice* 'He is dumb. he is really really dumb' - to not want to scoop my flyy ass up. *drops mic* "Sexual Chocolate everybody!"
So, of course in my craziness, I decided to try Match.com on the insistence of BFF and Toni Childs. I tried it free and poked my head around because I felt like anyone paying $20 - $40 a month is hella serious about finding someone. Of course, all the dudes that hit me up were over 40, sometimes over 50. and white. Ummm, I would date a white boy. He has to be a certain type of man. Old and over 50 is not him. So, I need to delete my profile.
Smh.
I think I'm just going to give this whole dating thing a rest. Its becoming an anxious thing for me. Everytime I go out, I think...am I going to see a cute guy today? If so, will he/I be interested? Its a drain!
That draining feeling is what kind of kept me stuck on DK for longer than it would've normally had...because the process of finding someone sucks. I guess because they're supposed to find you.
I am kinda lonely though. Lonely is no joke. Lonely eats at you. Lonely gets you into trouble because you run to the wrong things trying to get away from it. It hasn't driven me insane yet. So, I guess I'm alright.
Work and Projects
Work was kicking my ass for a while (like a month and a half). I literally am at work all day like "these people are nuts!" My body is used to standing up all day. Its the salary that needs adjusting. I'm trying to move my way up and stuff.
I was Service Leader of the Day which means I got $10, my pic on the wall in the lunchroom and 3 pseudo-expensive perfumes. The other girls are hating. So, me being me, I started singing Trina "Baddest Bitch" to them.
My boss keeps saying that I'm her favorite. That ish is going to cause contention with my co-workers soon. I can tell but I'm hoping that it'll be okay. I may have an opportunity to do a makeup event with my company and go traveling to the different stores. *crossed fingers*
I need more money!! Damn!
I resigned my position at the magazine. It feels like a weight off my shoulders. I wished Editor the best and I meant it. Her dependency on me was probably holding her back. Who knows? Only God.
Friends
BFF had Baby BFF on August 16th. She was 7lbs 10oz. She is a doll!!!
Punjabi has been really excellent with the baby and of course BFF has stars in her eyes and ish. she needs to get real about what she wants and what's feasibly her future with dude.
He overheard me and Toni talking bad about him. I felt bad and sent him an apology text. My friendship with BFF is changing. I realized two things about her.
1. She can't hold water. She told me about a conversation she had with her ex-husband. She told him that Toni was having a relationship with her cousin. She told everyone that Toni was having a relationship with her cousin. She told her ex that Toni saw him on TV twice in the same jeans. The first thing he said was, "Tell Toni to stop fucking her cousin." O.O In the moment, it was funny but then I thought...if she told this man she speaks to maybe 10 times a year something hella personal about Toni, what has she told him about me? What does Toni know about me if I know some SHIT about her? For a moment, it felt hypocritical of me to blog about her in detail and I have told Twin some stuff about BFF and Toni but the people I've told stuff, I know they would never ever throw it back in her face. The chances of you blog readers of meeting me and her aren't that slim but I'm sure you decent people wouldn't be like..."wait, are you the girl that was fucking her cousin?" after saying hello.
Now that I think about it, Toni mentioned something in mixed company that I did and I was hella embarassed about it. She only knew about it because BFF told her. SO, I guess that puts the nail in that coffin. Moral of the day, ladies and gents, if a friend tells you something and you just MUST share it: blog it anonymously and make sure they don't dig blogs, tell someone whom you know will never tell another soul or at least blurt it out in front of them or just tell it to Jesus.
2. Toni also said she would stop telling BFF about her relationship with Punjabi. Clearly, she's not going anywhere. Why should I listen to her bitch and moan about what he does to her - what she allows him to do to her - when she doesn't heed my advice? My advice hasn't changed... Leave that n-word alone! Since she wants to marry him (!!!) and make babies with him and such...what I say is like a drop in a bucket of water - inconsequential.
I know our relationship is changing because once you start limiting your communication with people...what you can and can't say to them...its over!
But the other part of me is saying I need life-long friends around me. What do you think?
That's all for now.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
weight watcher
when i got the position as assistant to the lead servant of the dance ministry at my church, the lead servant had a conversation with me about my weight.
she was gentle.
but she said that if i lost weight, it would help me be a better dancer and a better leader because what we do is physical. if i have to show someone a move, i need to be precise. we watched videos of me dancing (i hate to watch myself) and she was right. i thought i was giving 110%...i look good dancing but only 80% of the effort showed.
of course, being a big girl in human society....my weight comes up with me just walking down the street. conversation starters are always...you're so pretty...for....you guessed it...a big girl.
but i never internalized it.
not a lot of it.
because my self-esteem can't be wrapped up in other people's perceptions of me.
wynsters asked me if i ever consciously tried to lose weight. i told her i had not.
it is the truth.
part of me is afraid to try and lose weight because i'm afraid i will fail.
i've danced, ran track, played soccer and rugby - in that order my whole life and i've always been heavier than (mostly) everyone else while being excellent at all of those things shedding light to the other part of me which hasn't consciously tried to lose weight...its my personal rebellion.
i can be (literally) 100 pounds heavier than you and just as fast, just as graceful, just as precise and have just as much endurance as you. i can be heavier and still be beautiful.
working in the beauty industry is super interesting.
i am with 6 girls in my personal space all day. i interact with hundreds of other women who have issues with their appearance. no matter what: thin, big, tall, short, long hair, bald..no matter what, they have a need in them to change something about their appearance.
if i were thin, what else would i seek to change about myself? (that's rhetorical, of course)
anywhosies...while discussing the nature of my conversation with the lead servant, let's call her ls to wynsters, i told her i needed to think over my stance. she looked at me funny and i understand why. it was probably clear. i need to lose weight. i'm clearly obese (medically speaking). there are a bunch of reasons/way why the weight loss would be necessary and could be beneficial to my life...so, WHY think about it. the reasons i needed to are aforementioned.
so, i did what any woman my age would do...i installed an app on my phone to help me gauge where i am and see how much work i need.
noom (the app) said i need to consume 2090 calories per day, work out at least 3 times per week for an hour to lose about 2 pounds per week.
i was consuming 500 - 700 calories per day. most of those calories were bad according to noom...about 70% of those calories are bad...meaning high in caffeine and sugar.
i've been taking baby steps like.....eating more than 1 meal per day, cutting back on the pepsi and while i haven't been exercising (at all), the weight is starting to slide off. at work, i am on my feet all day, constantly moving...bending and running around the counter. a lot of people have noticed the weight loss which is cool and my work pants (i wear them like 3 out of 5 days) are super loose.
i'm not making a grand announcement but i am going to try and eat more (the good stuff). i'm still at 900 calories per day. in the morning, if i eat, my stomach gets ripped apart it feels like...
no bueno, man. no bueno.
but since i have lost the weight i have, standing on my feet is less horrible. my ankles and knees are in less pain and that's great. so, we'll see.
she was gentle.
but she said that if i lost weight, it would help me be a better dancer and a better leader because what we do is physical. if i have to show someone a move, i need to be precise. we watched videos of me dancing (i hate to watch myself) and she was right. i thought i was giving 110%...i look good dancing but only 80% of the effort showed.
of course, being a big girl in human society....my weight comes up with me just walking down the street. conversation starters are always...you're so pretty...for....you guessed it...a big girl.
but i never internalized it.
not a lot of it.
because my self-esteem can't be wrapped up in other people's perceptions of me.
wynsters asked me if i ever consciously tried to lose weight. i told her i had not.
it is the truth.
part of me is afraid to try and lose weight because i'm afraid i will fail.
i've danced, ran track, played soccer and rugby - in that order my whole life and i've always been heavier than (mostly) everyone else while being excellent at all of those things shedding light to the other part of me which hasn't consciously tried to lose weight...its my personal rebellion.
i can be (literally) 100 pounds heavier than you and just as fast, just as graceful, just as precise and have just as much endurance as you. i can be heavier and still be beautiful.
working in the beauty industry is super interesting.
i am with 6 girls in my personal space all day. i interact with hundreds of other women who have issues with their appearance. no matter what: thin, big, tall, short, long hair, bald..no matter what, they have a need in them to change something about their appearance.
if i were thin, what else would i seek to change about myself? (that's rhetorical, of course)
anywhosies...while discussing the nature of my conversation with the lead servant, let's call her ls to wynsters, i told her i needed to think over my stance. she looked at me funny and i understand why. it was probably clear. i need to lose weight. i'm clearly obese (medically speaking). there are a bunch of reasons/way why the weight loss would be necessary and could be beneficial to my life...so, WHY think about it. the reasons i needed to are aforementioned.
so, i did what any woman my age would do...i installed an app on my phone to help me gauge where i am and see how much work i need.
noom (the app) said i need to consume 2090 calories per day, work out at least 3 times per week for an hour to lose about 2 pounds per week.
i was consuming 500 - 700 calories per day. most of those calories were bad according to noom...about 70% of those calories are bad...meaning high in caffeine and sugar.
i've been taking baby steps like.....eating more than 1 meal per day, cutting back on the pepsi and while i haven't been exercising (at all), the weight is starting to slide off. at work, i am on my feet all day, constantly moving...bending and running around the counter. a lot of people have noticed the weight loss which is cool and my work pants (i wear them like 3 out of 5 days) are super loose.
i'm not making a grand announcement but i am going to try and eat more (the good stuff). i'm still at 900 calories per day. in the morning, if i eat, my stomach gets ripped apart it feels like...
no bueno, man. no bueno.
but since i have lost the weight i have, standing on my feet is less horrible. my ankles and knees are in less pain and that's great. so, we'll see.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
captain obvious
i asked zhang what school does she go to. she said, "esl. english as a second language because i'm asian. i don't know english very well."
i smiled not wanting to laugh out loud literally.
that's like me telling her, "I'm black."
uhhh...duh. (on the asian part)
she's so cute and sweet though.
other than her...the other girls are catty, funny, horny, petty and are at some level of frustration with working with the company.
there was an incident yesterday where one of the girls told me to "do it yourself" with helping a customer because she wanted to put the sale down on her record sheet. i was like...for $14, you want to piss off your co-worker. i spoke to the manager about it because...clearly, they don't know that i don't play that shit. no one speaks to me crazy and i don't want to show them the hard way...by speaking to her even crazier. i have to keep professional because i'm a black lady with an afro. they expect less of me.
this chick goes hard in the paint to make $2,000 a day.
at the end of the year, if she makes $200,000, she gets a pin. if she makes $280,000, she gets $700. that's not even 10%...not even 5% of what she made the company but she's going to create enemies at work for $700 and a pin. ummm...yea ok. she has ONE MORE TIME to speak to me like she has no sense. brown people man...we get so caught up in nonsense.
the money i get paid is comparable to the money i make on unemployment which isn't much. she gets paid less than me. its like they throw pennies at us and we just can't get enough. gtfoh.
i've learned my lesson. my last job i worked crazy hours, had the company blackberry...was always stressed. and they just laid me off without even a courtesy of a thank you or a call to let me know i was laid off. i am NOT ever killing myself like that for a company again.
most of my day is spent trying to explain to people from spain, france, japan or korea what the hell foundation, toner, face wash, etc is using pantomime. the other part of my day is trying to figure out which of the 30 unlabeled drawers the product is in and making sure these chicks don't steal my customers.
i get home. my ankles, legs and knees are killing me. i'm grateful to have a job, especially because i just got a letter in the mail. i think my unemployment is ending.bff called today and said they abruptly ended her unemployment. she's going to have to find a way somehow. it was after 7:30, so i can't check my benefit status. i'm sure my benefits have ended too. so..i got this job in the nick of time.
but i'm still looking.
i was walking home and a lady had a black and white shih tzu with her. it was a girl and had a cute little red bow. i swear the dog almost walked up to me. it was panting a little bit which i equate to being a dog's version of a smile. i wanted to grab the dog and run but see above about my physical state after work and i guess that's wrong of me to do. lol. bff says its rocky's way of reaching out to me from beyond. i still expect to see him when i get home from work. i still smell him around the house (in a good way - the shampoo i used on him)...*sigh*
dk and i talk periodically. he says work is killing him. *sigh*
i'm not waiting for him but nothing else is striking my fancy right now. so...eh.
what else....
i decided i wanted to get a puzzle piece tattoo and i want my husband to get the puzzle piece that fits mine tattooed on him but i want the tattoo to be somewhere random like on my ribcage. *gasp* my husband should get the tattoo on his rib because that's where God made woman from..the man's rib. (things i think about on the train) i think it would be super cute.
i want braids but the african lady wants $250 for some poetic justice braids that go down to my waist.
i smiled not wanting to laugh out loud literally.
that's like me telling her, "I'm black."
uhhh...duh. (on the asian part)
she's so cute and sweet though.
other than her...the other girls are catty, funny, horny, petty and are at some level of frustration with working with the company.
there was an incident yesterday where one of the girls told me to "do it yourself" with helping a customer because she wanted to put the sale down on her record sheet. i was like...for $14, you want to piss off your co-worker. i spoke to the manager about it because...clearly, they don't know that i don't play that shit. no one speaks to me crazy and i don't want to show them the hard way...by speaking to her even crazier. i have to keep professional because i'm a black lady with an afro. they expect less of me.
this chick goes hard in the paint to make $2,000 a day.
at the end of the year, if she makes $200,000, she gets a pin. if she makes $280,000, she gets $700. that's not even 10%...not even 5% of what she made the company but she's going to create enemies at work for $700 and a pin. ummm...yea ok. she has ONE MORE TIME to speak to me like she has no sense. brown people man...we get so caught up in nonsense.
the money i get paid is comparable to the money i make on unemployment which isn't much. she gets paid less than me. its like they throw pennies at us and we just can't get enough. gtfoh.
i've learned my lesson. my last job i worked crazy hours, had the company blackberry...was always stressed. and they just laid me off without even a courtesy of a thank you or a call to let me know i was laid off. i am NOT ever killing myself like that for a company again.
most of my day is spent trying to explain to people from spain, france, japan or korea what the hell foundation, toner, face wash, etc is using pantomime. the other part of my day is trying to figure out which of the 30 unlabeled drawers the product is in and making sure these chicks don't steal my customers.
i get home. my ankles, legs and knees are killing me. i'm grateful to have a job, especially because i just got a letter in the mail. i think my unemployment is ending.bff called today and said they abruptly ended her unemployment. she's going to have to find a way somehow. it was after 7:30, so i can't check my benefit status. i'm sure my benefits have ended too. so..i got this job in the nick of time.
but i'm still looking.
i was walking home and a lady had a black and white shih tzu with her. it was a girl and had a cute little red bow. i swear the dog almost walked up to me. it was panting a little bit which i equate to being a dog's version of a smile. i wanted to grab the dog and run but see above about my physical state after work and i guess that's wrong of me to do. lol. bff says its rocky's way of reaching out to me from beyond. i still expect to see him when i get home from work. i still smell him around the house (in a good way - the shampoo i used on him)...*sigh*
dk and i talk periodically. he says work is killing him. *sigh*
i'm not waiting for him but nothing else is striking my fancy right now. so...eh.
what else....
i decided i wanted to get a puzzle piece tattoo and i want my husband to get the puzzle piece that fits mine tattooed on him but i want the tattoo to be somewhere random like on my ribcage. *gasp* my husband should get the tattoo on his rib because that's where God made woman from..the man's rib. (things i think about on the train) i think it would be super cute.
i want braids but the african lady wants $250 for some poetic justice braids that go down to my waist.
NOT I SAID THE BLIND MAN!!
i'm sure even janet jackson didn't pay $250 for those damn braids back then.
i gotta do something. i'm starting to resent this bush on my head.
other than that...my apartment still looks like a crack den. if i dont do laundry soon, i'll have to wear boy shorts to work (and those thing give you a perma-wedgie all day). my grandmother's nursing home keeps calling me about stuff. i'm overwhelmed. its like i can only manipulate one part of my life at a time. my work life is (sorta) winning.
tmobile is bugging...they say that i need to pay them $109 for a phone i sent back a month ago because they haven't received it yet and $130 to replace the phone i have now because the screen is shattered. i paid $50 to get the phone in the first place...WTF?!if its not one thing...its another!
that's it. hopefully i have the energy for more salicious reading soon.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
the rain don't last + counter girls
(long post..but aren't all of my posts long?)
it has been 4 days since rocky died. it has felt like 2 weeks...easily.i feel as though those closest to me have never really experienced moments of sadness from me and thus, do not know how to handle such moments when they arise.i needed to be left alone.to deal with my own thoughts without fear that i'd end up consoling someone else (which usually ends up happening.)i needed to process. to go through the stages of grief without someone in my face. expecting. not sure exactly what they'd be expecting but they have that look on their face.
my apartment is borderline disgusting. i havent' cleaned. i've left things where ever they have decided to fall and i'm trying to get my act together. i'm just damned tired.sadness plus a new job, i guess.
at work, i have to put on a smiling face and pretend that everything around me is all roses. i also have to present myself a certain way and so that has helped, actually. i can't call out day 1 of work. i can't show up day 1 looking disheveled and crazy. so, i was forced all week to stretch myself..to shower, put on a full face of makeup and smile.maybe that was the hand of God. my sister thinks so.
people have said extremely dumb shit to me. starting with the guy who tried to help me catch rocky. a few hours later, after i'd cried myself into a headache that wouldn't quit i walked to the store. he and his friend were sitting out on their stoop. i walked by and they started whispering. his friend goes.."hey, did you cry?" i said, "excuse me?" he said, "did you cry over your dead dog?" i said, "fuck you think?" he said, "i was just wondering you bitch."and then various other people wondered aloud if i'd get a new dog, starting with my mom, just 2 hours after rocky had died. maybe you guys see the allure of putting myself in a bubble now.
i'd like to take this time to thank everyone who reached out to me! especially wynsters for threatening to show up at my house. love you boo! but no...thanks for all your support guys!i wanted to knock someone's head off their shoulders. but that could be the anger stage of grief talking. i haven't gotten around to packing up his stuff. i'm not sure if i want to give it away to someone who has a dog or keep it or throw it out or whatever. its the little things getting to me. like i still wake up 30 minutes early to walk him and then i wake up like...oh. or, i do things with him in mind every day like.let me close my bedroom door so he doesn't get into my shoes and then i do it like..oh. or, if have tissue in my purse, i remove it before i put my purse on the couch because i know the dog always gets it and then its all over my living room.i walk in the door expecting to see him. i go to bed waiting or i sit on the couch for him to jump on me. and then i remember he's not there. all week i had to take something to go to sleep because every time i closed my eyes i saw the whole thing happen again. smh. i'm trying. i know it will get better.
canine passing aside...this week has been extremely informative and productive for me as an artist.clinique is all about skin and skin care.
honestly, i have great skin. i understand it. i know how to keep it looking decent and it all has to do with genes and doing the wrong things early and paying dearly for it. that aside, what i know about skin care seems to be very limited as i am working for a company whose main bread and butter is skin care. i also suck at matching foundation on white, indian and asian women. the bulk of my work has been black women and the ladies of other races i've worked with have been easy to match since i had some time to think about it or have worked as professional models long enough to know what their shade of makeup is -- so, i've been cheating basically. i'm learning.
also, i worked with clinique foundation only when a model brought their own in..other than that...mac all the way. if i were working the mac counter, i could match more easily since honestly, they have way more specialized shades than clinique.98% of the people who show up at the counter are not black. 80% of those non-black people don't speak a lot of english. even still my average sales for this week was about $800 for the day which rocks. it would rock more if i got commission but...i'm not there to stay. i'm planning on being there for about 2 years. if i become managament in 2 years, i might consider staying or if i'm in school, i need to pay for that ish. or a better job. lots of ORS but the bottom line is...i'm pitching a tent not building a house.
i'm rusty when it comes to the workforce. i've never quite had to depend on other people as an actual team as opposed to a fictitious team they say you are in the workplace to boost morale when you hardly speak to your cubicle-mate. but i have to depend on my coworkers very heavily. even more heavily because there are like 20 drawers where all the merchandise is held that are unlabeled (WTF for?!) and i'm super new and the cash register is weird for me and i need help matching foundations. i feel like a fish out of water flapping around like crazy while trying to smile and be confident.one thing i learned this week:if you act like you know what you're doing but don't say anything contrary..people will believe you.if you say you know what you're doing but act like you don't..people will not believe you.i smile. i'm super nice and i'm confident.i'm also hella cautious.
you smash 7 girls at a makeup counter the size of a utility closet and there is going to be DRAMA!sales (of course) are a major thing. no one has stressed me about it because i'm new and my sales are pretty good. i'm sure they think i'm promising but are watching me with bated breath because as i was told, everyone is a superstar the first month. the 2nd month, they get burned out a bit. we'll see.so, its time to add my coworkers to this lil blog of mine. yes? yes.as always, names are changed to protect the innocent and not so innocent.
first person i met was:frenchie - frenchie is tall, busty and slim. she's 39 but looks 25. the eyes and mannerisms give her away. i thought she was dominican for some reason but she's jamaican. she's nice, patient and helps me a lot so i give her some of my sales.
daria - black girl (?) who speaks spanish. she's funny and i think she likes me in that sister-girl way. has a major ATTITUDE. hates the job. was the one who told me we don't get commission while makeup counters everywhere else get at least 3% + they make more. i also realized i make more money than her. i make 90 cents more. i found that out because she was saying something about....
shy - shy is a spanish girl who has a dry personality. she's causing a lot of drama because all the other girls hate her, basically. she's the manager's pet and was basically out for a month without calling when the policy is 3 days no call no show and you're out the door. then, she got her gratis (free stuff the company gives you each quarter) because they said "she never left" and she was never penalized for missing a whole month of work. shy goes super hard promoting and getting customer sales. she also (as i've seen) makes a huge deal of everything. someone said something to her in a manner she didn't like and it was a conversation for an hour at least. AND she involved a manager. i was like...really? meanwhile, she said something to me i didn't like and i let it slide. the next time, i'll call her out on it. and then hear her talk about it for an hour. *rolling my eyes*
raoutie - indian girl with very bad bad skin. her makeup is always a little too much and she has an overbite. she's very peppy and speaks very loudly like all the time. she says my name wrong. like n-eh-na instead of nee-na if that makes sense. its annoying. she's nice enough, i guess. *shrug*monroe - 33 but looks 19. she's very particular and she has to do things a certain way. she's nice and helpful but she loves to tell me what to do. and i just look at her and don't do it. i like when black girls wear bright pink lips but hers are a little too bright. then, she doesn't blend her makeup in at her jawline so she ends up with a mask-like thing where you see where he skin is and where her makeup begins.
zhang - is chinese. i don't really talk to her and i'm fine with that. i smile at her. she smiles back. i thought she got an attitude with me when i was helping some chinese girls. especially when she said something to them in chinese and they responded in english that i was helping them. (like she tried to steal my sale) but..whatevs. sherice is on vacay so i haven't met her.
alice is my boss. she's jamaican and has bad bad skin. dark marks that you can see through makeup. she needs mac not clinique.she seems cool. i heard to watch out for her because she gets loose with the lips. hopefully, i give off the vibe that i'm nice but to not get to slick with me. manager or no, there's a way you talk to people, capiche.
i heard another manager at the beginning of the year was waiting for her at the train station to whoop her ass after she said something to her she didn't like. WOW.
i think i'm going to write a book called counter girls where i satire what my experience has been like. we'll see. other stuff happening. hopefully, i can get some posts out soon.
it has been 4 days since rocky died. it has felt like 2 weeks...easily.i feel as though those closest to me have never really experienced moments of sadness from me and thus, do not know how to handle such moments when they arise.i needed to be left alone.to deal with my own thoughts without fear that i'd end up consoling someone else (which usually ends up happening.)i needed to process. to go through the stages of grief without someone in my face. expecting. not sure exactly what they'd be expecting but they have that look on their face.
my apartment is borderline disgusting. i havent' cleaned. i've left things where ever they have decided to fall and i'm trying to get my act together. i'm just damned tired.sadness plus a new job, i guess.
at work, i have to put on a smiling face and pretend that everything around me is all roses. i also have to present myself a certain way and so that has helped, actually. i can't call out day 1 of work. i can't show up day 1 looking disheveled and crazy. so, i was forced all week to stretch myself..to shower, put on a full face of makeup and smile.maybe that was the hand of God. my sister thinks so.
people have said extremely dumb shit to me. starting with the guy who tried to help me catch rocky. a few hours later, after i'd cried myself into a headache that wouldn't quit i walked to the store. he and his friend were sitting out on their stoop. i walked by and they started whispering. his friend goes.."hey, did you cry?" i said, "excuse me?" he said, "did you cry over your dead dog?" i said, "fuck you think?" he said, "i was just wondering you bitch."and then various other people wondered aloud if i'd get a new dog, starting with my mom, just 2 hours after rocky had died. maybe you guys see the allure of putting myself in a bubble now.
i'd like to take this time to thank everyone who reached out to me! especially wynsters for threatening to show up at my house. love you boo! but no...thanks for all your support guys!i wanted to knock someone's head off their shoulders. but that could be the anger stage of grief talking. i haven't gotten around to packing up his stuff. i'm not sure if i want to give it away to someone who has a dog or keep it or throw it out or whatever. its the little things getting to me. like i still wake up 30 minutes early to walk him and then i wake up like...oh. or, i do things with him in mind every day like.let me close my bedroom door so he doesn't get into my shoes and then i do it like..oh. or, if have tissue in my purse, i remove it before i put my purse on the couch because i know the dog always gets it and then its all over my living room.i walk in the door expecting to see him. i go to bed waiting or i sit on the couch for him to jump on me. and then i remember he's not there. all week i had to take something to go to sleep because every time i closed my eyes i saw the whole thing happen again. smh. i'm trying. i know it will get better.
canine passing aside...this week has been extremely informative and productive for me as an artist.clinique is all about skin and skin care.
honestly, i have great skin. i understand it. i know how to keep it looking decent and it all has to do with genes and doing the wrong things early and paying dearly for it. that aside, what i know about skin care seems to be very limited as i am working for a company whose main bread and butter is skin care. i also suck at matching foundation on white, indian and asian women. the bulk of my work has been black women and the ladies of other races i've worked with have been easy to match since i had some time to think about it or have worked as professional models long enough to know what their shade of makeup is -- so, i've been cheating basically. i'm learning.
also, i worked with clinique foundation only when a model brought their own in..other than that...mac all the way. if i were working the mac counter, i could match more easily since honestly, they have way more specialized shades than clinique.98% of the people who show up at the counter are not black. 80% of those non-black people don't speak a lot of english. even still my average sales for this week was about $800 for the day which rocks. it would rock more if i got commission but...i'm not there to stay. i'm planning on being there for about 2 years. if i become managament in 2 years, i might consider staying or if i'm in school, i need to pay for that ish. or a better job. lots of ORS but the bottom line is...i'm pitching a tent not building a house.
i'm rusty when it comes to the workforce. i've never quite had to depend on other people as an actual team as opposed to a fictitious team they say you are in the workplace to boost morale when you hardly speak to your cubicle-mate. but i have to depend on my coworkers very heavily. even more heavily because there are like 20 drawers where all the merchandise is held that are unlabeled (WTF for?!) and i'm super new and the cash register is weird for me and i need help matching foundations. i feel like a fish out of water flapping around like crazy while trying to smile and be confident.one thing i learned this week:if you act like you know what you're doing but don't say anything contrary..people will believe you.if you say you know what you're doing but act like you don't..people will not believe you.i smile. i'm super nice and i'm confident.i'm also hella cautious.
you smash 7 girls at a makeup counter the size of a utility closet and there is going to be DRAMA!sales (of course) are a major thing. no one has stressed me about it because i'm new and my sales are pretty good. i'm sure they think i'm promising but are watching me with bated breath because as i was told, everyone is a superstar the first month. the 2nd month, they get burned out a bit. we'll see.so, its time to add my coworkers to this lil blog of mine. yes? yes.as always, names are changed to protect the innocent and not so innocent.
first person i met was:frenchie - frenchie is tall, busty and slim. she's 39 but looks 25. the eyes and mannerisms give her away. i thought she was dominican for some reason but she's jamaican. she's nice, patient and helps me a lot so i give her some of my sales.
daria - black girl (?) who speaks spanish. she's funny and i think she likes me in that sister-girl way. has a major ATTITUDE. hates the job. was the one who told me we don't get commission while makeup counters everywhere else get at least 3% + they make more. i also realized i make more money than her. i make 90 cents more. i found that out because she was saying something about....
shy - shy is a spanish girl who has a dry personality. she's causing a lot of drama because all the other girls hate her, basically. she's the manager's pet and was basically out for a month without calling when the policy is 3 days no call no show and you're out the door. then, she got her gratis (free stuff the company gives you each quarter) because they said "she never left" and she was never penalized for missing a whole month of work. shy goes super hard promoting and getting customer sales. she also (as i've seen) makes a huge deal of everything. someone said something to her in a manner she didn't like and it was a conversation for an hour at least. AND she involved a manager. i was like...really? meanwhile, she said something to me i didn't like and i let it slide. the next time, i'll call her out on it. and then hear her talk about it for an hour. *rolling my eyes*
raoutie - indian girl with very bad bad skin. her makeup is always a little too much and she has an overbite. she's very peppy and speaks very loudly like all the time. she says my name wrong. like n-eh-na instead of nee-na if that makes sense. its annoying. she's nice enough, i guess. *shrug*monroe - 33 but looks 19. she's very particular and she has to do things a certain way. she's nice and helpful but she loves to tell me what to do. and i just look at her and don't do it. i like when black girls wear bright pink lips but hers are a little too bright. then, she doesn't blend her makeup in at her jawline so she ends up with a mask-like thing where you see where he skin is and where her makeup begins.
zhang - is chinese. i don't really talk to her and i'm fine with that. i smile at her. she smiles back. i thought she got an attitude with me when i was helping some chinese girls. especially when she said something to them in chinese and they responded in english that i was helping them. (like she tried to steal my sale) but..whatevs. sherice is on vacay so i haven't met her.
alice is my boss. she's jamaican and has bad bad skin. dark marks that you can see through makeup. she needs mac not clinique.she seems cool. i heard to watch out for her because she gets loose with the lips. hopefully, i give off the vibe that i'm nice but to not get to slick with me. manager or no, there's a way you talk to people, capiche.
i heard another manager at the beginning of the year was waiting for her at the train station to whoop her ass after she said something to her she didn't like. WOW.
i think i'm going to write a book called counter girls where i satire what my experience has been like. we'll see. other stuff happening. hopefully, i can get some posts out soon.
Monday, June 28, 2010
These Dreams are Forever!
Disclaimer: Today is the first day of my period so things may seem a little bit more dire than they actually are...you guys tell me!
So...my weekend rocked and it just makes sense that Monday would suck the air out of me, no?
My mom keeps blowing up my phone. She called me on Saturday and left me an urgent message to take my laundry out of the basement. That's not fucking urgent! She does things like that all the time and so of course, when I saw a bunch of missed calls, I was not eager to hear what she had to say. I call her back and she's like...I'm applying for you to be a court clerk. The due date for applications is July 13th.
She starts asking me a million questions abt my job history and I'm like, "Can I just apply at home myself?"
She like, "No. You don't have the type of Adobe needed for the app process."
I sigh. She's like, "Do you want me to apply or not?"
I say no. I don't want to be a damn court clerk!
She's like well, what you're doing is not bringing you any money so you need to do something. I ask if we could talk ablt it later. She's like "NO! I want to talk about it now!"
I hang up on her.
She calls me back.
She's like "l know you didn't hang up on me! You need to remember I'm not one of your little friends....blah blah blah.. Why can't you have a job and do what you need to do on the side?"
I say...You just don't understand what its like to have to do something and its not your passion.
She's like...you can't eat passion or pay your bills with it.
I'm like..I really don't want to talk about this now. She keeps pushing and pushing. Eventually, I just let her talk.
She gets the hint that I've shut down and so she's like..."Well since you don't want me to help you find a job, do it on your own but GET. A JOB!" Then she hangs up on me.
Yea, I'm not rolling in the dough...I'm struggling. Sometimes, I'd rather struggle and wear the same things over and over than work a fucking job that I hate day in and day out that sucks the life out of me...sucks the creativity out of me.
I don't know what I'm going to do.
Sometimes, I just feel like I'm not going to make it and that everyone who told me so are going to laugh in my face and my mother will be first in line.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
I will not be an angry black woman today
I will be sweet and kind and courteous and totally totally mellow.
:)
I hear echoes of smug "Good Lucks" but...I don't care.
Hmph!
:)
I hear echoes of smug "Good Lucks" but...I don't care.
Hmph!
Friday, September 28, 2007
Drinkin w/the boss man
I'm so tipsy right now....borderline drunk...we'll see if this makes any sense.
After work, I wanted a cocktail.I went out with GiGi, LP, and Aladdin (my boss - well one of my bosses). He paid for all but one of my 4 drinks... Things were going great until the end of the night when he wanted to play the "would you fuck" game with all of the men in the office, saving himself for last. He talked about how he likes all 3 of us, he thinks I'm soooo cute, and how he loves to eat the pussy. Specifically, he'd eat Gi's and my puss for an hr and a half. Ummmmm.....yea....
We all changed the subject the good girls we are!
Apple Martinis are the devil.
I'm making chicken alfredo! Yummmm....
I hope I don't feel this in the morning....ugh.....
After work, I wanted a cocktail.I went out with GiGi, LP, and Aladdin (my boss - well one of my bosses). He paid for all but one of my 4 drinks... Things were going great until the end of the night when he wanted to play the "would you fuck" game with all of the men in the office, saving himself for last. He talked about how he likes all 3 of us, he thinks I'm soooo cute, and how he loves to eat the pussy. Specifically, he'd eat Gi's and my puss for an hr and a half. Ummmmm.....yea....
We all changed the subject the good girls we are!
Apple Martinis are the devil.
I'm making chicken alfredo! Yummmm....
I hope I don't feel this in the morning....ugh.....
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Damn You, Nepotism!
I feel especially oppressed today...which may seem a lil melodromatic, but I lost the promotion.
To the VP of Customer Care's daughter.
Bitch!
She wore sneakers to the interview! SNEAKERS!
I wish I could say that I haven't felt so stifled at a job in all my life, but I have and this shit sucks.
I feel as though I'm fighting against a huge tidal wave and the more I fight, the higher and stronger it gets. I was counting on this promotion. It was to be my 'get out of jail free' card. To make it worse, people were rooting against me. Why? Because they didn't want me to leave the department.
That's heartwarming, but who does that?
I am depressed. I feel like I'm in a box and that box is steadily filling up with water.
Does anyone have a sledgehammer I can borrow?
To the VP of Customer Care's daughter.
Bitch!
She wore sneakers to the interview! SNEAKERS!
I wish I could say that I haven't felt so stifled at a job in all my life, but I have and this shit sucks.
I feel as though I'm fighting against a huge tidal wave and the more I fight, the higher and stronger it gets. I was counting on this promotion. It was to be my 'get out of jail free' card. To make it worse, people were rooting against me. Why? Because they didn't want me to leave the department.
That's heartwarming, but who does that?
I am depressed. I feel like I'm in a box and that box is steadily filling up with water.
Does anyone have a sledgehammer I can borrow?
Saturday, September 15, 2007
Moving on Up *hopefully*
There's an opening in the accounting department of our company. The person who closes driver's receipts needs help. I want to be it! I hate numbers, but they always add up with me, so that's not a problem. AND it would mean 9-5 Monday through Friday.
NO MORE SATURDAYS!!
NO MORE SUNDAYS!!
I get to wear jeans everyday. I wouldn't have to deal with people. I could listen to my ipod and type on my computer screen all day (yay!). I would have an actual chain of command order about things. I would probably be on the same pay scale, but it would be worth not getting a raise *almost*
So, I put in my notice, that I want it. There is no reason why I shouldn't get it. The head of accounting has to talk to the head of Customer Service. Unless he blocks me because my department would take a hit if I leave, I would be so mad. He's notorious for doing shit like that. Just when you thought it was safe to advance in the company, he's there to plant your ankles in cement.
But, I'm still hoping. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Swimming, swimming, swimming. :D
NO MORE SATURDAYS!!
NO MORE SUNDAYS!!
I get to wear jeans everyday. I wouldn't have to deal with people. I could listen to my ipod and type on my computer screen all day (yay!). I would have an actual chain of command order about things. I would probably be on the same pay scale, but it would be worth not getting a raise *almost*
So, I put in my notice, that I want it. There is no reason why I shouldn't get it. The head of accounting has to talk to the head of Customer Service. Unless he blocks me because my department would take a hit if I leave, I would be so mad. He's notorious for doing shit like that. Just when you thought it was safe to advance in the company, he's there to plant your ankles in cement.
But, I'm still hoping. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Swimming, swimming, swimming. :D
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