..and then there was ONE

I would like to say that I know that Lee was special when we were messaging back and forth...but I didn't.
I knew that I liked his conversation and felt at ease with him.
We had some sparks. When I heard his voice, I heard that he was stable and strong.
When we had our date, I was excited.

We met up on a snowy wintry night and I was wearing the wrong shoes and not enough clothes and he was tired.  He works crazy hours like...15 hour shifts and we were both not on our A-game.
But, we sat over hot chocolate and pastries and it felt like talking to an old friend.

He drove me home and we sat awkwardly at the end of the night in front of my house. I'd made up my mind I wasn't going to kiss him. I've had my cold forever and he was going to Panama. I didn't want to give it to him.  I made a comment about hoping to see him when he got back.  He asked why wouldn't I? I said, he could find the woman of his dreams on a beach out there. He gave me a hug and called me silly and then instinct took over and I fell on his lips...

Wow.

They were like two soft pillows.

Wow.

I fell asleep and had some crazy dreams all involving him and I woke up the next day knowing we would be together. I don't know how I know. I just do.

Anyway...he's off in Panama and I'm here missing someone I hardly know. Time will tell.
But I feel like I know...Maybe I'm crazy.

Updates

(Written 4/26)
Damn...every time I have a long absence, I feel like" its imperative to say how sorry I am and vow to not for it again.  I'm like an abusive boyfriend or something.
What has happened since the last time I wrote in this space....hmmmm
ATL told me he doesn't want a long-distance relationship and then back-pedaled away from me so quickly, it made my head spin. He was gone for a weekend before I was like...oh hell nawl. We've been speaking but it is definitely not the same.
I had given up on PoF when this really cute guy emailed me. His username was his full name...means he has nothing to hide. His message wasn't overly superfluous with how beautiful I am or what he would do to try to get to know me. It was simple.
Except, I got the message about 3 weeks after he'd sent it. ATL said it was all about timing. He was right because 3 weeks ago, I was into someone else and probably wouldn't have paid the note any attention.
Anyway, he is sweet, smart, funny and he's.....naive in a way. He's 25. He'll be 26 in June. And...I like him.
He rocks out to classical music. Who does that? I'm going to call him CB for Church Boy. He literally stays in church 4 days out of the week. His dad is the pastor of his church. His life is the life I ran away from. (Pseudo-introducing ER before our first date)
I went on a date with this guy I met while facilitating the Octavia Butler workshop. I'm going to call him White J. If you've seen the awkward black girl series on YouTube, you know to what I'm referring. If not, go and watch.  Hella funny!
Anyway, White J is cool. He just doesn't do it for me. I tell BFF about the date and of course she goes ape over it and is like...give him a chance. Maybe you'll grow to be attracted to him. You don't GROW into attraction. Either it is there or it is not.
I went over to DK's house and we had the best passionate hot sweaty sex. He said I surprised him and he definitely surprised me in the bedroom. He's so cold in the street. He never really wants to hold my hand or kiss me in public. At home, he's all over me and sometimes, it just catches me off guard.
When I saw him though, I was angry about work. I realize....I don't like my job. He was the first person I could take it out on....and I did and it was sexy. We play fought until I had worked all my aggression out.
The next morning, I left his house exhausted (hehe) but pensive. What we do....is what we do and nothing is really going to change. It kind of makes me sad because of course I believe I'm worthy of more but so is he but he would rather give me an inch of space in his life. So, what is one to do?
Right after we had sex....as in the next day, I got my period which means we had sex while I was ovulating. Which means if the contraception has failed.....I'd be preggo right now. Scary stuff.
I wouldn't mind getting knocked up by DK because I know he would kill himself to provide but I'd be so alone. I guess these are just some thoughts.
I feel so unattractive right now. Maybe its my period. Maybe its something else. I'm pretty sure its my period.
I'm sitting next to this interracial couple. Dude is African. Probably from Senegal. Chick is French. He says..."No. Its my way or no way."...in the middle of this argument they're having. I thought ...Yup. that's why he's with this white woman. The Nigerian tried that shit with me one day. I fought back and he pretty much said..."If I were with a European woman she would accept it." I said..well go get her.
Smdh
I've decided I want to open up a spa. There are some major steps I need to take first. I'm going to get my waxing license. It costs about $500.  After I get my license, I'm going to look into getting into a high-end salon/spa to get some experience/build clientele. I also want to look into getting a table/space to do waxing on my own in my Hood.  Then, I want to look into being a masseuse. I also am looking into getting into an 18-month BBA program to have a real foundation on how to run a business properly.
On the financial side, I'm working on my credit to be able to get a loan/funding for my spa.
I'm guessing optimically....in 5 yrs...I can do it but I'm preparing for 10 for it to be where I want it to be.
I'm excited and a little overwhelmed. It is time for me to put in some major work....and it wont be very fun.
And honestly, the notion that I could really do it freaks me OUT. but....I believe this is what Im supposed to be doing. So...there we go.
YOLO!

you.complete.me

I've been reading a lot of stuff about marriage on accident. Like...I'm reading Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert and I thought it would be more about her marriage than it is a nonfiction historical book about marriage, its origins and the various societal and cultural anomalies associated with marriage. I clicked on a couple of new blogs today and they were all about people's marriages.

And I keep thinking...

Hello God. Its me Nina. Do you hear me?

They say God prepares you for what He will give you well in advance. So yes, while there's no boyfriend in the horizon, I'm pretty sure that He (definitely maybe) is preparing me for marriage in my future. (How farrrrrrrr into the future...I don't know but just knowing that it is in the cards for me - like for real kinda - is awesome) I tweeted today out of the blue... "I would love to have a marriage...its the wedding that terrifies me." This is true. Part of me wants that walking down of the aisle, bridesmaids, saying vows ceremony but the other part is..hey baby! you + me + 5 of our closest friends/family and the minister on the beach and ka-blam!

Just...random musings.

So so so so much going on. I shall try and challenge myself to write every day this week!

Dreams

I've been having a lot of dreams lately about BFF's baby. I guess I'm kind of worried about them because mom and dad are nutso!

A few days ago, I dreamt that BFF died in childbirth and Punjabi took the baby to live with and be raised by his ex live-in gf. Omg! Throughout the dream, I was the only one struggling to make sure the baby knew who BFF was. I was stalking and threatening him. Needless to say, I didn't get much sleep.

it was particularly disturbing because thats what happened to me. My bio-mom died when I was 3. My dad married my mom a few months later and all of bio-mom's friends and family disappeared. No one I could track down would even tell me about her. It was like she never existed. Im still hurt about that and God-forbid that to ever happen to me or any of my friends.

The dream last night was that me and BFF were talking in the rain about her telling her ex-husband that she was pregnant. In the dream I was telling her about another dream I had where I saw the baby's face and it looked just like her. As I was telling her this, someone was walking a shih tzu that had long hair they'd braided and put beads on the end so that it looked like Rick James. It looked very time-consuming yet totally awesome. 

by the light of the moon

written on Saturday night.
The moon is so amazing tonight. It makes me think of the phrase “by the light of the moon” and it all makes sense. Its beauty is astounding. I cuddled with Rocky as we sat on the concrete bench outside my house just gazing at it holding each other. I thought of you. Your arms around me as we sit watching. I thought of the perfect scenario of us, a blanket covering our shoulders with warm mugs of hot chocolate in our hands – happy and in love. I thought about being on my college campus in the middle of the grass knowing the moon would appear as if it hovered over my face. I thought of being in Paris or Spain or Berlin at some fancy café while watching with some handsome stranger. Most of all, I wanted to be with you. Whomever you may be.

No lie! Pics of the moon last night.

Dream Dreams

I had 2 crazy dreams last night but I can only remember one.

I dreamt I was working as a journalist for my college's newspaper (this is true) but I was at a different school in New England than the one I went to and a famous basketball player was there playing for the team. He looked like Carmello Anthony but I kept calling him Dwayne Wade. Anyway, me and Dwayne were mad cool and I kept messing with him. I kicked him and ran away. He caught me (of course) and pulled my wig off in front of the whole school. I sat in a corner and put my wig back on, walked out and gave him the evil eye. As I came home to my apartment now...I went to sleep but I knew I was pregnant. I was only about 4 months. All of a sudden, I felt slight pain and discomfort. I looked under the sheets...there was a little blood but I gave birth to the baby who looked slightly bigger than a regular infant. I wrapped it up and held it close to me and started talking to it. A few days later in the dream, the baby started talking and walking but it was normal to me although I knew it was a bad sign. The baby started trying to kill me. We were fighting. Part of me felt like I had to kill the child...the other part didn't want to...

So, I chased it out of the house. It broke a glass and threw it in my face. I choked it and said..."Please stop. I don't want to kill you." then it ran away....


Other snippet of another dream was I was grown with kids and a car and I was taking my pastor's kids on a road-trip with my kids...but my pastor's son (who is 2 now) was a pre-teen and his daughters who are 14 and 11 were the same age. I saw glimpses of my kids who might be anywhere from maybe 8/9 to 11/12. I had two..one of them was a boy.

Why all the children dreams??? Why have a baby at 4 months and then have it try and kill me?

brown baby

i had a dream this morning that i was having a photo shoot in my homewith this beautiful brown baby boy. he had long natural hair down his back that he liked to put in his face and smile with this grin that was missing a tooth in the front. i, myself had l0ng natural hair down my back as well that was luscious and thick. i tickled his feet, his neck, his stomach trying to make him laugh but he was very serious in front of the camera. we took a break and i held him in my arms and i smiled at him and i said, terrence, i can't wait til your father gets home. the view shifted and i was a giant fly on the wall looking at myself. i was happy.

such a weird dream, especially because my hair is an inch long right now. i've never wanted a baby really and if i did, i was sure i wanted a girl. also it felt like his father's name was terrence too. who the heck is terrence?? i only know 2...one is very light-skinned and i'm sure if we had a child together, the child probably wouldn't come out to being my complexion (or it could...black genes are weird sometimes) and the other is my cousin. i didn't feel like i know this terrence yet. the child resembled this little boy named titus i knew growing up. he was a gorgeous little boy who is now 16 years old and is a gorgeous young man...but the little boy in my dream looked like titus but like me too...with his small slanted eyes, small nose and full lips.

i could take the dream figuratively, where baby terrence is my business flourishing but when i woke up, i chose to take it literally...wondering about this man terrence who would bring me a baby terrence and a happy home where photo shoots are involved and everyone is brown and beautiful. it would make sense that in my home, photo shoots would happen, right? lol. i woke up warm and fuzzy and a little hopeful...if not for the baby then for my HAIR!!!

These Dreams are Forever!

Disclaimer: Today is the first day of my period so things may seem a little bit more dire than they actually are...you guys tell me!

So...my weekend rocked and it just makes sense that Monday would suck the air out of me, no?

My mom keeps blowing up my phone. She called me on Saturday and left me an urgent message to take my laundry out of the basement. That's not fucking urgent! She does things like that all the time and so of course, when I saw a bunch of missed calls, I was not eager to hear what she had to say. I call her back and she's like...I'm applying for you to be a court clerk. The due date for applications is July 13th.

She starts asking me a million questions abt my job history and I'm like, "Can I just apply at home myself?"

She like, "No. You don't have the type of Adobe needed for the app process."

I sigh. She's like, "Do you want me to apply or not?"

I say no. I don't want to be a damn court clerk!

She's like well, what you're doing is not bringing you any money so you need to do something. I ask if we could talk ablt it later. She's like "NO! I want to talk about it now!"

I hang up on her.

She calls me back.

She's like "l know you didn't hang up on me! You need to remember I'm not one of your little friends....blah blah blah.. Why can't you have a job and do what you need to do on the side?"

I say...You just don't understand what its like to have to do something and its not your passion.

She's like...you can't eat passion or pay your bills with it.

I'm like..I really don't want to talk about this now. She keeps pushing and pushing. Eventually, I just let her talk.

She gets the hint that I've shut down and so she's like..."Well since you don't want me to help you find a job, do it on your own but GET. A JOB!" Then she hangs up on me.

Yea, I'm not rolling in the dough...I'm struggling. Sometimes, I'd rather struggle and wear the same things over and over than work a fucking job that I hate day in and day out that sucks the life out of me...sucks the creativity out of me.

I don't know what I'm going to do.
Sometimes, I just feel like I'm not going to make it and that everyone who told me so are going to laugh in my face and my mother will be first in line.

Moving on Up *hopefully*

There's an opening in the accounting department of our company. The person who closes driver's receipts needs help. I want to be it! I hate numbers, but they always add up with me, so that's not a problem. AND it would mean 9-5 Monday through Friday.

NO MORE SATURDAYS!!
NO MORE SUNDAYS!!

I get to wear jeans everyday. I wouldn't have to deal with people. I could listen to my ipod and type on my computer screen all day (yay!). I would have an actual chain of command order about things. I would probably be on the same pay scale, but it would be worth not getting a raise *almost*

So, I put in my notice, that I want it. There is no reason why I shouldn't get it. The head of accounting has to talk to the head of Customer Service. Unless he blocks me because my department would take a hit if I leave, I would be so mad. He's notorious for doing shit like that. Just when you thought it was safe to advance in the company, he's there to plant your ankles in cement.

But, I'm still hoping. Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Swimming, swimming, swimming. :D

love

I love Afroman.

Sometimes that love doesn't make sense. At times, it is inconvenient. Sometimes, it hides under the other emotions that I build up to the point where I can almost convince myself its not there. But, mostly...it is just love.

All encompassing love.

And that, ladies and gents, is how I know....

I am fucked.

Chance Encounters

Feeling adventurous, I scraped up enough change to dye my hair a different color. Walking down 34th St, I bumped into an old flame that's still burning. Rastaman. We went to high school together, but met in our senior year together. It was all about poetry and books and the sight of him still sends my heart in a flurry.

He is beautiful.

And a father and with the mother of his child.

I am possibly irrelevant to him. But the chance encounter has to mean something, right? How many people can say that they've met the person who still stops their heart from beating on one of the busiest places in NYC?

Not many.

After I thought on it for a while...I resolved to not dwell on it. Dwelling on the past becomes the endless cycle that is my romantic life with Afroman.


But, it did add a little spice to my afternoon.

(smile)

Moments like these...

There are those moments when I am thankful. I am thankful for the
wonderful gay man at Target who let me exchange my items instead of
returning, then sending me to the purchase line.

I am thankful for XBGF for actually coming through with at much need 60
bucks.

I am thankful for those customers who decided NOT to call today.

I am grateful for seats on the bus.

I am thankful for Sun. For Water. For LipChap.

My hearts swells in gratitude for being given a strong mind, strong
will, and heart to tread these waters of life valliantly. To not faulter
when times are rough...because times are rough a lot lately.

I am grateful for never having visible sweat marks. For always being
"sure" when I forget my deodorant from time to time.

I am thankful that I can apply makeup. That I can effectively unleash my
inner drag queen.

I am even thankful for conversations with the mirror. So, I know when to
stop and drop into the nearest Serta, Sealy, or Posturpedic bed.

I am thankful for grease when my hair is dry, Nivea for my skin, and
Stila for those pesky under-eye areas.

I am thankful it costs nothing to smile or laugh, because these
days...that's the only thing I have in abundance.

Tonight

Is for lounging around the house in my bra and panties, having numerous IM conversations.
Is for sitting in front of the fan, enjoying solitude and silence in my own space.
Is for thanking God I found $8 on my way home. I only had $2 to last me til Friday.
Is for relaxation and DVR cleaning.

Tomorrow is for budgeting, cleaning, and all the other responsibilities for having a good tonight.

Tomorrow, I'll deal with the worried voices in my head, but tonight...tonight, I will smile. I will laugh.

Tonight, I will breathe.

I saw u

I saw her. My eye catching a glimpse of her perfectly round shiny dome.
She was bald and bold. With that step..that leap of faith, I was inspired. I wanted to know her backstory. I wanted to look in her eyes and know her history. Why was her hair shorn? I wanted to applaud her, hug her,befriend her. Instead, I let her walk off the train. Not making eye contact. Because I didn't want to make her feel as if another person were gawking at her and because


I'm a New Yorker and that's just what we do.

little pieces coming together

bought a bookcase for $40...tall, pine wood, and 5 shelves. realized that i do not need 5 shelves, can only adequately occupy 2 shelves, but am pleased with myself
and am very pleased to have a reason to read more.
am looking forward to placing gems on said bookcase...yay!

Mr. Phil keeps kissing and hugging me today and am loving every minute of it. Is very vry wonderful. AFFECTION! omg..almost forgot about that!
AFFECTION! and DISTRACTION!>>>>>lovely!

Am getting a kitten today. very very excited! even though I don't like cats. I am certain will love this cat. Probably because she is a weetle weetle baby. Thinking of naming her Domino, cause she's all white like Domino Sugar. We'll see. Gotta feel out her aura.
Very Very excited!!! stay tuned!

hunh?

I want to kiss Mr. Phil again, but do not have the urge to make the move. Don't know if I should and don't feel like someone's hand going down my shirt right now. Maybe, I shouldn't resume the kissing until I feel like some lovin....hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...........................

Moving in time is quickly approaching. What to do? What to do?
Still haven't packed completely. Feeling soooo willy nilly about it. Actually, really am anxious about. But...I can't seem to want to do anything lately. Feeling really willy nilly about life.

Damn You!!! Damn YOU!!!!!!

Ever see one of those women that make you want to go into the house and try again? OMG! Living in NYC...you see these women all the time, but this morning, I saw this goddess that made me feel so much less than the poised young woman I normally am. Anywho! She was gorgeous and fresh and innovative and just so well put together. My self esteem just plummeted 30 points just being in her presence.

I will be moving soon. If I can get it together. I just can't right now. Ugh!

I'm everywhere. Maybe, I won't be one of those people that have it all together all the time. I feel like my life is not meant to be like that. But, I do want to at least have it half-way together...huff!!!

Epiphanies

I don't feel like anyone knows me.

I want to get to the point where I am free. Freedom of mind - of
spirit.

I want to be happy.

I want smiles to come from my soul.

This is what I want

to be comfortable....
to be in love..
to be financially stable
to be appreciated
to be in my own apartment (hehe)

are all these things just unattainable..like an intangible God that we were all told to believe in as children?
Just some thoughts that are bubbling over in my brain...