i tried to make it work with claude.
I did.
I have to break things off.
he does nothing for me except buy me meals.
no sexual satisfaction.
no physical satisfaction
not even the satisfaction of having someone call me on the phone or call me beautiful or anything.
I have a text buddy who takes me out on dates when I insist and lasts 3 minutes in bed.
so, why am I trying to hold on to something that is dead?
i'm so frustrated with life right now. I just don't even know what to do.
Showing posts with label arrrrrgggh. Show all posts
Showing posts with label arrrrrgggh. Show all posts
Friday, January 17, 2014
Saturday, November 23, 2013
Arrrghhhh
I just burst into tears listening to some random classical music because it was beautiful and I want something huge and beautiful to happen to me.
I've had such a rough week.
Starting last Saturday, I came down with a cold. I kicked the cold on Tuesday. On Monday, I decided I wasn't vegan anymore. I had some macaroni and cheese on Wednesday. It is Saturday and my stomach just stopped hurting. It felt like I had food poisoning. I started my period yesterday. So I basically went from one level of hell to the next.
I work really hard. I don't know how else to work.
But, I feel like I'm not getting anywhere fast. I still am not making enough money to mean bill collectors no longer call me. I'm so frustrated. I don't really know what to do.
I'm just tired and stressed and sick of being tired and stressed and frustrated all the time.
I've had such a rough week.
Starting last Saturday, I came down with a cold. I kicked the cold on Tuesday. On Monday, I decided I wasn't vegan anymore. I had some macaroni and cheese on Wednesday. It is Saturday and my stomach just stopped hurting. It felt like I had food poisoning. I started my period yesterday. So I basically went from one level of hell to the next.
I work really hard. I don't know how else to work.
But, I feel like I'm not getting anywhere fast. I still am not making enough money to mean bill collectors no longer call me. I'm so frustrated. I don't really know what to do.
I'm just tired and stressed and sick of being tired and stressed and frustrated all the time.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
floating
i havent felt like myself for a long time.
i feel like my old job has beat something out of me - the hustle, i suppose.
i feel like i'm floating and the world is the sea around me just letting me be weightless but at a cost.
my bills are backed up. my apartment is a mess...and i feel like i don't know what to do, although i do have a lot on my to do list. when i try to do it, i feel like it is the act of picking up 1 brick to make a wall.
the stress and weight of being directionless keeps me up at night.
is this depression?
i feel like my old job has beat something out of me - the hustle, i suppose.
i feel like i'm floating and the world is the sea around me just letting me be weightless but at a cost.
my bills are backed up. my apartment is a mess...and i feel like i don't know what to do, although i do have a lot on my to do list. when i try to do it, i feel like it is the act of picking up 1 brick to make a wall.
the stress and weight of being directionless keeps me up at night.
is this depression?
Never a Mistake. Always a Lesson
Lessons learned tonight:
1.Stop being so damn lonely.
2. Stop being so damn naive.
I'm currently on the local train from Harlem to Brooklyn which sucks so much. I don't know what time I will get home or if I will get home (so dramatic!)
I only have myself to blame.
G and I went on a date in June. Drinks...dancing....fun. At the end of the date, he didn't want the night to end. I, who'd just danced for 2 hours in 4 inch heels, was enthusiastic but weary. We walked around as he searched his heart and mind for what it wanted to do.
As we waited for my train, he decided he wanted IHoP and some bed hopping and I just wasn't down. Man, he begged. It wasn't cute until he realized I just wouldn't budge.
Sporadic attempts at a 2nd date were made. If you call his asking me to spend days at his house attempts at a 2nd date. :/
Yes...he's asked me on 3 separate occasions to spend several days at his house with him.
Today, his approach was different. Lets make it a Blockbuster night. I laughed. Ok.
I showered and put on a cute quirky outfit and headed to Harlem.
He directed me to his apartment via phone.
Him: Tell me you missed me
Me: No. I didn't. Did you miss me?
Him: Yeah....why you think I've been blowin up your phone?
.....
Me: Why aren't you a gentleman meeting me downstairs?
Him: You didn't ask me to.
Me: I have to ask you to be a gentleman?
He met me at the door with a hug that groped my butt and a kiss that he wanted to last longer but I pulled away.
He was dresses terribly. An old T-shirt that maybe had holes in it and a loose old pair of sweats that did not flatter him at all.
I'd told him earlier that I'm on a vegan diet. He offers me a burger. I decline. He says we could go to the corner store and get me something.
I just ask for water. He tries to push alcohol on me.
I'm annoyed.
I've plated hostess plenty of times. Ive made sure to have something for my guests.
His place was a mess. He looked a mess. You see where I'm going.
What are we watching?
Pick something on Netflix
Ugh. I have Netflix at home. Finding something on there sometimes is a challenge.
As I'm picking,I have to stand in the middle of his room and scroll. He comes up behind me and tries to make me bend over.
When I wouldn't...he rubs himself against me.
Yesterday, I told him I had my period. I have no idea wtf he was thinking.
We sit down and watch a movie. An old coworker calls me all upset. I answer and he starts trying to take my shorts off.
*side eye*
I get off the phone.
What are you doing?
Nothing. Lets just watch the movie.
We watch. He puts his arm around me.
Its nice until he starts rubbing my breast. I move.
He licks and bites my neck. I wipe his saliva off of me. I get up, put my shoes on. I kiss him on the cheek and leave.
I'm proud of myself. Period or not. I didn't want to sleep with him. I wanted to be held close with popcorn in our laps watching a movie.
I don't expect Don Juan....but I certainly didn't expect Homeless Ed.
If I wasnt feeling so damn lonely, I would've seen the writing on the wall about what he was about instead of being so damn naive. I feel like I'm not going to find someone...maybe I'm too something and no one will ever love me. Yes, they can use my body for the night but really get to know me and love me...idk.
When I got home, he said I didn't have to leave.
I've been sexually assaulted before being in the same situation. This person I trusted more. I said no twice..the third time, it was while he was ripping off my underwear. I'll never be in that same position again. I'll take the local A train from Harlem to Brooklyn.
1.Stop being so damn lonely.
2. Stop being so damn naive.
I'm currently on the local train from Harlem to Brooklyn which sucks so much. I don't know what time I will get home or if I will get home (so dramatic!)
I only have myself to blame.
G and I went on a date in June. Drinks...dancing....fun. At the end of the date, he didn't want the night to end. I, who'd just danced for 2 hours in 4 inch heels, was enthusiastic but weary. We walked around as he searched his heart and mind for what it wanted to do.
As we waited for my train, he decided he wanted IHoP and some bed hopping and I just wasn't down. Man, he begged. It wasn't cute until he realized I just wouldn't budge.
Sporadic attempts at a 2nd date were made. If you call his asking me to spend days at his house attempts at a 2nd date. :/
Yes...he's asked me on 3 separate occasions to spend several days at his house with him.
Today, his approach was different. Lets make it a Blockbuster night. I laughed. Ok.
I showered and put on a cute quirky outfit and headed to Harlem.
He directed me to his apartment via phone.
Him: Tell me you missed me
Me: No. I didn't. Did you miss me?
Him: Yeah....why you think I've been blowin up your phone?
.....
Me: Why aren't you a gentleman meeting me downstairs?
Him: You didn't ask me to.
Me: I have to ask you to be a gentleman?
He met me at the door with a hug that groped my butt and a kiss that he wanted to last longer but I pulled away.
He was dresses terribly. An old T-shirt that maybe had holes in it and a loose old pair of sweats that did not flatter him at all.
I'd told him earlier that I'm on a vegan diet. He offers me a burger. I decline. He says we could go to the corner store and get me something.
I just ask for water. He tries to push alcohol on me.
I'm annoyed.
I've plated hostess plenty of times. Ive made sure to have something for my guests.
His place was a mess. He looked a mess. You see where I'm going.
What are we watching?
Pick something on Netflix
Ugh. I have Netflix at home. Finding something on there sometimes is a challenge.
As I'm picking,I have to stand in the middle of his room and scroll. He comes up behind me and tries to make me bend over.
When I wouldn't...he rubs himself against me.
Yesterday, I told him I had my period. I have no idea wtf he was thinking.
We sit down and watch a movie. An old coworker calls me all upset. I answer and he starts trying to take my shorts off.
*side eye*
I get off the phone.
What are you doing?
Nothing. Lets just watch the movie.
We watch. He puts his arm around me.
Its nice until he starts rubbing my breast. I move.
He licks and bites my neck. I wipe his saliva off of me. I get up, put my shoes on. I kiss him on the cheek and leave.
I'm proud of myself. Period or not. I didn't want to sleep with him. I wanted to be held close with popcorn in our laps watching a movie.
I don't expect Don Juan....but I certainly didn't expect Homeless Ed.
If I wasnt feeling so damn lonely, I would've seen the writing on the wall about what he was about instead of being so damn naive. I feel like I'm not going to find someone...maybe I'm too something and no one will ever love me. Yes, they can use my body for the night but really get to know me and love me...idk.
When I got home, he said I didn't have to leave.
I've been sexually assaulted before being in the same situation. This person I trusted more. I said no twice..the third time, it was while he was ripping off my underwear. I'll never be in that same position again. I'll take the local A train from Harlem to Brooklyn.
Friday, March 22, 2013
today
there are times in my life i feel so utterly lonely.
in europe, i was alone. i was by myself in countries that didn't speak my language. i had to fend for myself. motivate myself when things didn't go my way. i was responsible for catching trains/buses/planes and for every activity i did.
who knew that at home, i would feel like even more alone...lonely. there are people here that i can talk to freely. everyone (for the most part) speaks english but most times, i feel like i have no one to talk to.
perhaps, that's why i started the blog.
i am tired.
emotionally, mentally, physically.
this city drains everything you have.
and then you try to date because everyone in your life has someone except you.
and it doesn't necessarily work.
and you feel like a failure.
and i wonder.. what is wrong with me?
i am beautiful, smart, funny, ambitious, driven...i have morals, manners...i speak well, i dress well, i like sex...at any available opportunity with a partner i trust, i'm all over it.
but i'm fucking alone.
and that fucks with your psyche like...what am i missing?
like, where is my man? why isn't he here?
i'm so tired of feeling so alone all the time.
understanding that alone is different from lonely.
somewhere along this month, i stopped trying to do things. with my book, with my career. everything feels like an uphill battle.
and i just don't know what to do....
i don't know who to reach out to...
i don't know how to make myself feel better...
i feel like being an ostrich and sticking my head in the sand and just giving up.
the only thing i can say to myself is that this will be one of those entries that i will remember later on when i'm happy and shake my head and remember how bad this felt and be glad i felt this bad...because it made me appreciate the happy.
for now, it just sucks.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
more money woes....
i don't know if buying my ticket to london was a good thing after all.
i had a business about 2 years ago. i kept telling nys (new york state) that i didn't have any employees but they still charged me unemployment insurance. fast forward. i owe $1300 for insurance for employees i never had. nys doesn't care.
around the same time, i was on unemployment myself. (how ironic)
the government took out federal taxes but not state and i owe $1100 in taxes on UNEMPLOYMENT benefits that i received.
so................
how about i got a letter in the mail that my wages are going to be garnished for these 2 tax warrants.
i already get $125 taken out in taxes every check. (i get paid per week) + health insurance which is $40 + now $120 for this tax shit + $169 for my student loans every month + rent + utilities + general upkeep (hair, nails, etc) + food.
at the same time, i'm trying to self-publish a book and go to europe.
i'm gonna have start selling something other than books and makeup!
they never said it would be easy
but does it have to be this freakin hard????
honestly, i'm glad i bought my ticket.
even i spent $1000 on the taxes, it still wouldn't be enough.
i'm going to be living off of franks and beans to be able to afford food and such.
#stress.
i had a business about 2 years ago. i kept telling nys (new york state) that i didn't have any employees but they still charged me unemployment insurance. fast forward. i owe $1300 for insurance for employees i never had. nys doesn't care.
around the same time, i was on unemployment myself. (how ironic)
the government took out federal taxes but not state and i owe $1100 in taxes on UNEMPLOYMENT benefits that i received.
so................
how about i got a letter in the mail that my wages are going to be garnished for these 2 tax warrants.
i already get $125 taken out in taxes every check. (i get paid per week) + health insurance which is $40 + now $120 for this tax shit + $169 for my student loans every month + rent + utilities + general upkeep (hair, nails, etc) + food.
at the same time, i'm trying to self-publish a book and go to europe.
i'm gonna have start selling something other than books and makeup!
they never said it would be easy
but does it have to be this freakin hard????
honestly, i'm glad i bought my ticket.
even i spent $1000 on the taxes, it still wouldn't be enough.
i'm going to be living off of franks and beans to be able to afford food and such.
#stress.
Friday, August 31, 2012
the juggler
i feel like i have so many plates spinning at one time. i'm tired. my body hurts. i have a laundry list of things to do and my boss told me she doesn't feel like i'm engaged...like i don't care about the job.
i don't. this makeup line isn't for me and i feel the pressure to sell it is ridiculous because i'm not passionate about it. it's also not very popular so i find myself trying to convince people to buy it. the hours are crazy. i work 6 days straight to have 1 day off and then another couple days stretch to have 1 day off. the body doesn't get to recuperate. it sucks so bad.
i just want to make money to pay for what it is i really want to do with my life.
i haven't really been liking my job for a while now but with everything i have going on, i don't know if i have the energy to look for another one. on the other hand, i feel like i need a regular 9-5 where i sit on my butt all day and don't think about anything.
i get up after 4-5 hours of sleep, go to work, stand on my feet all day and beg women to buy makeup then i come home and work on book stuff til the wee hours of the morning....rinse and repeat.
i really don't know where i'm going to pull the time and energy from to find something else.
in good news,
i bought my plane ticket. i'm going to london january 31 - feb 10. from there, i will go to paris and italy. i might try and see ireland too. maybe.
my book is done. it is in the editing process. it should reach the publisher by sept. 15
it is really hard because i want it to be a bestseller. writing the book was easy. getting people interested in it enough to pub it for me has been difficult.
so, the book process, planning my european trip, having a full-time job, dealing with the aftermath of my grandma's estate, friends, family....it's a lot.
i'm not sure how to handle it all.
i don't. this makeup line isn't for me and i feel the pressure to sell it is ridiculous because i'm not passionate about it. it's also not very popular so i find myself trying to convince people to buy it. the hours are crazy. i work 6 days straight to have 1 day off and then another couple days stretch to have 1 day off. the body doesn't get to recuperate. it sucks so bad.
i just want to make money to pay for what it is i really want to do with my life.
i haven't really been liking my job for a while now but with everything i have going on, i don't know if i have the energy to look for another one. on the other hand, i feel like i need a regular 9-5 where i sit on my butt all day and don't think about anything.
i get up after 4-5 hours of sleep, go to work, stand on my feet all day and beg women to buy makeup then i come home and work on book stuff til the wee hours of the morning....rinse and repeat.
i really don't know where i'm going to pull the time and energy from to find something else.
in good news,
i bought my plane ticket. i'm going to london january 31 - feb 10. from there, i will go to paris and italy. i might try and see ireland too. maybe.
my book is done. it is in the editing process. it should reach the publisher by sept. 15
it is really hard because i want it to be a bestseller. writing the book was easy. getting people interested in it enough to pub it for me has been difficult.
so, the book process, planning my european trip, having a full-time job, dealing with the aftermath of my grandma's estate, friends, family....it's a lot.
i'm not sure how to handle it all.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
call me
sooooooo....i was sick this week where i left early because i was nauseous and light-headed. my period in the month of june was so SERIOUS. i also had cramps that had me keeled over feeling crazy. anyways, i went to the store with my phone, keys and money. when i got home, i had a bag from the store, my keys and change.
my manager at work said she wants a hysterectomy but they refuse to do it because there's no medical reason. she said the medical reason is that she can't handle her period. she's in her mid 30s and childless. she said..."i don't care. cut it out of me. if i want a kid, i'll buy one." - i totally understand
where my phone went? i have no clue.
the insurance company sent the new phone literally the next day but i don't have certain people's numbers...like....brock.
brock is the nonstarter dude from the last post. i really didn't have a strong desire to talk to him. i just wanted the attention, if we're being honest. he's in houston for the week. he comes back today (sunday). i facebooked him that i didn't have his number. he hasn't called me yet. lame.
i began calling random numbers on my phone bill and i accidentally dialed trini's number. awkward. and dk's number. super awkward.
trini, as soon as i realized it was him, i awkwardly was like...ok, bye. and hung up.
dk, i didn't realize it until i heard his voice on his vm and i left a weird message like...i called by accident. *nervous laugh* umm, sorry.
he text me saying he didn't want me to think he was angry with me and that he wants to know how i am doing.
i was like..ok, call me when u can. so, he did. while i was at work.
i got nervous because honestly, i think there was something there with dk. i might love him. i'm not sure. and, i didn't want to break up. but.....yea, so, when he called i was like i'm at work,. i'll call u later. i dropped the phone when i was on the escalator and the sim card fell in a crack. tmobile's system was down and they couldnt get my phone back online until late.
i called him late. we caught up. it was nice. i really want to talk about what happened between us but slow and steady, right?
my manager at work said she wants a hysterectomy but they refuse to do it because there's no medical reason. she said the medical reason is that she can't handle her period. she's in her mid 30s and childless. she said..."i don't care. cut it out of me. if i want a kid, i'll buy one." - i totally understand
where my phone went? i have no clue.
the insurance company sent the new phone literally the next day but i don't have certain people's numbers...like....brock.
brock is the nonstarter dude from the last post. i really didn't have a strong desire to talk to him. i just wanted the attention, if we're being honest. he's in houston for the week. he comes back today (sunday). i facebooked him that i didn't have his number. he hasn't called me yet. lame.
i began calling random numbers on my phone bill and i accidentally dialed trini's number. awkward. and dk's number. super awkward.
trini, as soon as i realized it was him, i awkwardly was like...ok, bye. and hung up.
dk, i didn't realize it until i heard his voice on his vm and i left a weird message like...i called by accident. *nervous laugh* umm, sorry.
he text me saying he didn't want me to think he was angry with me and that he wants to know how i am doing.
i was like..ok, call me when u can. so, he did. while i was at work.
i got nervous because honestly, i think there was something there with dk. i might love him. i'm not sure. and, i didn't want to break up. but.....yea, so, when he called i was like i'm at work,. i'll call u later. i dropped the phone when i was on the escalator and the sim card fell in a crack. tmobile's system was down and they couldnt get my phone back online until late.
i called him late. we caught up. it was nice. i really want to talk about what happened between us but slow and steady, right?
Friday, June 22, 2012
love em and leave em
i have been pms'ing for a little over a week, it feels like...my emotions have been on a roller coaster ride of shit.
i feel so ugly.
i have these bags under my eyes that are going nowhere and now with this heat, the eczema is back with a vengeance...all over my body. eczema is basically a black scaly dry rash. the worst is my breasts, stomach, back and hips. i don't have health coverage until 7/01/12...THANK GOD but I have to wait to see a doctor til then and hope i don't have to go through hoops and loops. i'm freaking miserable. i'm itchy and uncomfortable all day. there's nothing i can do about it.
i was talking to someone new who EVERYONE in my inner circle says is a non-starter. which is sad because if this dude became serious about finding a wife, he would have a good one..in me. the bottom line is he doesn't want to date. so, i'm like..ok, let's bang. he doesn't take advantage of opportunity to do that. i'm bored. i'm tired of chasing people even though probably to him it doesnt feel like i'm chasing....i'm tired of putting in effort. i just want someone i like to like me back and for that to be enough to date. i don't want to have to decipher feelings....i just want easy,.
writing has been going well....i'm hoping to have it finished in another month. i'm so exhausted when i get home, i force myself to write as much as i can...thus, lack of blogging or blog reading.
what else....thinking about perming my hair but that might just be the self-hate talking. i'll reconsider in another week or so when i'm not bleeding from my vagina.
i feel so ugly.
i have these bags under my eyes that are going nowhere and now with this heat, the eczema is back with a vengeance...all over my body. eczema is basically a black scaly dry rash. the worst is my breasts, stomach, back and hips. i don't have health coverage until 7/01/12...THANK GOD but I have to wait to see a doctor til then and hope i don't have to go through hoops and loops. i'm freaking miserable. i'm itchy and uncomfortable all day. there's nothing i can do about it.
i was talking to someone new who EVERYONE in my inner circle says is a non-starter. which is sad because if this dude became serious about finding a wife, he would have a good one..in me. the bottom line is he doesn't want to date. so, i'm like..ok, let's bang. he doesn't take advantage of opportunity to do that. i'm bored. i'm tired of chasing people even though probably to him it doesnt feel like i'm chasing....i'm tired of putting in effort. i just want someone i like to like me back and for that to be enough to date. i don't want to have to decipher feelings....i just want easy,.
writing has been going well....i'm hoping to have it finished in another month. i'm so exhausted when i get home, i force myself to write as much as i can...thus, lack of blogging or blog reading.
what else....thinking about perming my hair but that might just be the self-hate talking. i'll reconsider in another week or so when i'm not bleeding from my vagina.
Monday, March 12, 2012
stress-induced
i can't even formulate words in a sentence to make myself sound intelligent.
i'm stressed out.
and angry.
frustrated.
tired.
and i don't know why but i'm unhappy.
and i think its my job.
i'm stressed out.
and angry.
frustrated.
tired.
and i don't know why but i'm unhappy.
and i think its my job.
Monday, January 30, 2012
Grrrrrrrrrrr
Today:
Work was slow. We're expected to make $1000 each every day this week. I made $186.
One of the chicks at work played rock music ALL.MORNING.LONG. Then switched to Lady Gaga and Madonna. Imagine listening to the same 4 songs every day for the past 3 weeks.
I bought weave hair 2 weeks ago so I could manage getting my hair done without it being SO MUCH MONEY. After work, I was tired but decided to go get my hair done (an hour away on the other side of Brooklyn on a cold ass day) only for my hairstylist to tell me my hair sucks and i should by a different brand because its not going to take well to heat. She then showed me how it would react to a curling iron and it melted. So now, I have to buy new hair.
Called Trini to vent about my hair and he called me out on wearing wigs. I don't know how I feel about it.
Today was super shitty and I pray tomorrow will be better. Its my birthday week after all.
Work was slow. We're expected to make $1000 each every day this week. I made $186.
One of the chicks at work played rock music ALL.MORNING.LONG. Then switched to Lady Gaga and Madonna. Imagine listening to the same 4 songs every day for the past 3 weeks.
I bought weave hair 2 weeks ago so I could manage getting my hair done without it being SO MUCH MONEY. After work, I was tired but decided to go get my hair done (an hour away on the other side of Brooklyn on a cold ass day) only for my hairstylist to tell me my hair sucks and i should by a different brand because its not going to take well to heat. She then showed me how it would react to a curling iron and it melted. So now, I have to buy new hair.
Called Trini to vent about my hair and he called me out on wearing wigs. I don't know how I feel about it.
Today was super shitty and I pray tomorrow will be better. Its my birthday week after all.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Indian Giver
Louis is driving me crazy! Older dogs are so stubborn. Shih tzus are willful. Older shih tzus are willful and stubborn. He has been having potty issues. Before I left for Houston, he would pee on the wee wee pad or just wait to go outside. All week, he has been leaving multiple puddles around the house which I have cleaned right away.
Friday, I'd had enough.
I mopped the floors with bleach and put him in the carrier to sleep. He was fine. Saturday, I walked him when I woke up. Let him play. Before I left, he peed on the floor. I mopped again, put him in his carrier and went to work.
When I got home, Louis met me at the front door after breaking out of his carrier and leaving 4 puddles and some poo on my floor. I WAS LIVID!
I put him back in the carrier where he whined all night. I made the decision then...this is not for me. I still miss Rocky. I call Louis, Rocky's name all the time and compare him to Rocky. I'm just not ready nor do I have the patience for a dog right now.
Once Louis is trained for real, he would be a great pet. He's loving and friendly but not for me right now.If anyone wants a dog and you live in NYC, let me know.
Friday, I'd had enough.
I mopped the floors with bleach and put him in the carrier to sleep. He was fine. Saturday, I walked him when I woke up. Let him play. Before I left, he peed on the floor. I mopped again, put him in his carrier and went to work.
When I got home, Louis met me at the front door after breaking out of his carrier and leaving 4 puddles and some poo on my floor. I WAS LIVID!
I put him back in the carrier where he whined all night. I made the decision then...this is not for me. I still miss Rocky. I call Louis, Rocky's name all the time and compare him to Rocky. I'm just not ready nor do I have the patience for a dog right now.
Once Louis is trained for real, he would be a great pet. He's loving and friendly but not for me right now.If anyone wants a dog and you live in NYC, let me know.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
boo. hiss. boo.
Part of me doesn't want to talk about what I'm thinking/feeling right now but what else is new?
Half.com is the beez knees. I was shopping around for all 5/6 seasons of House on DVD. I LOVE THAT SHOW! Its so witty and smart and interesting.
Anywhosies, I bought the 1st season from Target on sale for $12 during Black Friday. Regular price is $45. I got season 2 from half.com for $10 including shipping. Sweet deal. The discs aren't in the case, they're wrapped in plastic but I inspected them and I didn't see any scratches on them and its the actual official DVD's. Anywho, I saw the envelope downstairs and I was opening it as I saw my mom and asked her a question. She was like, "Oh yea, I saw that for you. What is it?" I tell her and she's frowns. I say, "What?"
"House comes on TV."
"I bought it online for like 5 bucks...it was nothing."
She frowns.
"I can't spend $5 on a DVD of my favorite TV show?"
"No, you can't. Not when..."
I just walked away. She's really bugging. Especially when she just got 4 pairs of shoes in the mail with a closet full of shoes she doesn't wear...complaining about ends not meeting.
Whatever whatever...I mosey on over to Facebook to look at the profile pics that changed. 2 caught my eye...Mike Z - a guy I've had a crush on since junior year and Brother Wise. I could never step to Mike Z. I don't know why so I just gaze at him from afar. And...Brother Wise had a picture of him and his 2 brothers - clones of each other. CRAZY. I look further on his page and he commented on a friend's status. The friend said, "why do girls say they want a good man doesnt cheat or hit them then when one comes along they do that one wrong dont get women never will"
Wise commented saying, "That's because women are insane psychotic delusional liars. You ain't know? Smh"
Say what?!
I KNOW I shouldn't have taken it personally. Wise is going through some thangs with his baby's mother...BUT DAMN! It just took me back to a previous conversation with him when I told him flat out - I love you. We could be great together. He told me he felt as though women like the idea of him (eccentric afrocentric intelligent artist) more than to actually be with him and I broke down who I thought he was and was pretty in line with who he is...he then said, "I will be alone for the rest of my life. I don't want to even try."
He then went to a party, took a girl home and got her pregnant and now he's dealing with a crazy chick whom he probably had no intentions of seeing the next day. (If memory serves me correctly)
I saw that bullshit and I'm like...
You will be fucking alone you dick! Not because women are crazy but because YOU are crazy. You don't feel like you deserve love.You had a great girl (*ahem* ME)and you CHOSE to be alone. And that situation thart has you all jaded about women..ummm could've avoided it by umm...wearing a *bleeping* condom!
Jerk.
Half.com is the beez knees. I was shopping around for all 5/6 seasons of House on DVD. I LOVE THAT SHOW! Its so witty and smart and interesting.
Anywhosies, I bought the 1st season from Target on sale for $12 during Black Friday. Regular price is $45. I got season 2 from half.com for $10 including shipping. Sweet deal. The discs aren't in the case, they're wrapped in plastic but I inspected them and I didn't see any scratches on them and its the actual official DVD's. Anywho, I saw the envelope downstairs and I was opening it as I saw my mom and asked her a question. She was like, "Oh yea, I saw that for you. What is it?" I tell her and she's frowns. I say, "What?"
"House comes on TV."
"I bought it online for like 5 bucks...it was nothing."
She frowns.
"I can't spend $5 on a DVD of my favorite TV show?"
"No, you can't. Not when..."
I just walked away. She's really bugging. Especially when she just got 4 pairs of shoes in the mail with a closet full of shoes she doesn't wear...complaining about ends not meeting.
Whatever whatever...I mosey on over to Facebook to look at the profile pics that changed. 2 caught my eye...Mike Z - a guy I've had a crush on since junior year and Brother Wise. I could never step to Mike Z. I don't know why so I just gaze at him from afar. And...Brother Wise had a picture of him and his 2 brothers - clones of each other. CRAZY. I look further on his page and he commented on a friend's status. The friend said, "why do girls say they want a good man doesnt cheat or hit them then when one comes along they do that one wrong dont get women never will"
Wise commented saying, "That's because women are insane psychotic delusional liars. You ain't know? Smh"
Say what?!
I KNOW I shouldn't have taken it personally. Wise is going through some thangs with his baby's mother...BUT DAMN! It just took me back to a previous conversation with him when I told him flat out - I love you. We could be great together. He told me he felt as though women like the idea of him (eccentric afrocentric intelligent artist) more than to actually be with him and I broke down who I thought he was and was pretty in line with who he is...he then said, "I will be alone for the rest of my life. I don't want to even try."
He then went to a party, took a girl home and got her pregnant and now he's dealing with a crazy chick whom he probably had no intentions of seeing the next day. (If memory serves me correctly)
I saw that bullshit and I'm like...
You will be fucking alone you dick! Not because women are crazy but because YOU are crazy. You don't feel like you deserve love.You had a great girl (*ahem* ME)and you CHOSE to be alone. And that situation thart has you all jaded about women..ummm could've avoided it by umm...wearing a *bleeping* condom!
Jerk.
Monday, April 18, 2011
Weekend Round-Up
I need to stop talking to other dog-owners. They scare the be-jeezus out of you.
Yesterday, my neighbor who has a Pekingese told me I need to really watch out for Rocky while walking him in the neighborhood because our neighbor who had a maltese was walking her last summer - her dog got attacked by a pitbull that was off its chain. The pit took the maltese's head off. My other friend had a Yorkie who was attacked by a pit who latched on to the dog's neck and had lockjaw. The poor dog was thrown around so bad, he died. The same neighbor had another Pek that was attacked by a Rottweiler who took his eye out. And on and on the stories go about cutesy little dogs that get attacked by bigger dogs while being walked.
The one about the dog that got her head taken off gave me nightmares last night. I love Rocky like my child. And then, this morning on our walk, I tied Rocky's leash to the fence outside the store to get a tea and a muffin. I would be in an out in 3 minutes. I was in the store for 2 minutes when a man came in and said, "Miss, your dog is free," and there Rocky was at the door licking the man's shoes. .
This little dog pushed his head through his collar. The man was like, "Yes, I watched him as soon as you tied him up. He was fighting boy!" I thanked him thinking about all the scenarios that could've happened. The Good Samaritan could've just scooped Rocky up without a second thought. Rocky could've run into the street. Another dog could've gotten to him....all these things. I hit Rocky 3 times saying "Bad DOG!" I was so pissed! (and a little embarrassed)
When we got home, I said, "I'm angry with you. Leave me alone." He surely did walk into the other room. 15 minutes later, he tried to smooth things over with a game of fetch. "No, I'm still mad." He went and played by himself. (I don't think he can really understand me. I think dogs can feel energy.)
------------------- BFF called me Saturday afternoon as I was meeting up with her mom and other bestie Toni to do some baby shower shopping. I told her I was on my way to Target and if she wanted to she could come by later. I was frying fish.
The Punjabi mess hasn't been straightened out really. He bought her a car. He's been spending a lot more time with her but she says he's been causing a lot of anxiety because he still hasn't told his mom about her being pregnant and she's worried about how his family will accept her and the baby. She wants to take a break from him. To soothe her melancholy, I told her to come over. We'd watch a movie. I'd feed her. All would be right with the world. Also, Twin was coming over to play with Rocky...he's good at making people laugh.
As me, Twin, Toni and BFF's mom are in the car on the way home. Toni was talking about her dog, Diva nonstop. Then she said, "I'm surprised you got a dog. I thought you didn't like pets. I thought you threw your cat out the window. That's what BFF told me." My face was hot. WHY THE FUCK would BFF tell her that and if she did, WHY would Toni repeat it? I denied it for the sake of her mom and made a mental note to smack BFF when I saw her. I did throw the cat out the window. Afroman and I had just broke up. I found out he left me for his ex and moved upstate to be with her. I had the flu. The cat hated me and only liked Afroman. She was always pooping in the bathtub. I was allergic to her and itchy eyes really just added to the misery I was in. I took it out on her and its not like I live up really high. I live on the 2nd floor. I threw her out in the backyard where it was grassy and she came back the next day.
I got home and started frying up the fish and called BFF to come over. She said she would be on her way. About 15 minutes later, I hear Toni's loud ass mouth. "NINA! NINA!" screaming my name in my hallway not sure which apartment was mine. Not only did she bring her Yorkie, but she also brought Aidan, BFF's cousin. I was even more pissed! BFF was in the car talking to Punjabi. I really hate when people bring others without consulting you to see if its okay first. I was so annoyed. One, because Toni talks non-stop and two, I had a house full of people and wasn't really prepared.
My mom always taught me to always plan for more especially when you're cooking because you never know who will show up for dinner. Thankfully, I had enough for 5 when I only planned for 2. (BFF added at the last minute.) I pulled her to the side when she finally came upstairs. "The least you could've done was text me that you were bringing other people." "I'm sorry. I was busy texting Punjabi." "Whatever." Ohhhhhhhhh. If I could slap a pregnant woman, I would!
My quiet Saturday night was anything but with Toni's dog barking at Rocky anytime he got near her. He's a pup, he wants to play. Finally, Rocky started barking back. Then, Aidan pissed me off with a side remark about Jesus. We were trying to get a wine bottle open. He was like, "Why do we need wine? We could drink water?" I said, "Jesus turned water into wine. Its the next best thing." Toni said, "Amen. Hallelujah. Fill my glass." Aidan gets all serious and says..."Don't believe that shit white people tell you. That story is bullshit." He was about to get worked up when I looked him in the eye and said, "Enough."
Believe what you want but don't disrespect what I believe..especially in my own damn house!Aidan is so weird! This is the same guy that was a Jesus-fanatic last year. Dude is so lost! I cut him some slack. His dad died about a month ago.
The night went on and when the movie went off at 10:30, I politely kicked everyone out. I had enough of Toni's loud mouth, Diva barking, Rocky trying to hump people and playing hostess when I thought it would be just me and 2 close friends.
Aidan said, "Are you really kicking us out?" I just smiled.
I'd been up since 8. 2 hours of dance rehearsal, 3 hours of baby shower shopping, traveling all over Brooklyn, and cooking tallied up to way too many hours on my feet.
Yes. I sure was.
Sunday was uneventful except for the guilt I felt missing church.
Anywhosies...it was a great weekend but I'm still trying to get the fish smell out of my house. I'm about to boil some cinnamon.
Yesterday, my neighbor who has a Pekingese told me I need to really watch out for Rocky while walking him in the neighborhood because our neighbor who had a maltese was walking her last summer - her dog got attacked by a pitbull that was off its chain. The pit took the maltese's head off. My other friend had a Yorkie who was attacked by a pit who latched on to the dog's neck and had lockjaw. The poor dog was thrown around so bad, he died. The same neighbor had another Pek that was attacked by a Rottweiler who took his eye out. And on and on the stories go about cutesy little dogs that get attacked by bigger dogs while being walked.
The one about the dog that got her head taken off gave me nightmares last night. I love Rocky like my child. And then, this morning on our walk, I tied Rocky's leash to the fence outside the store to get a tea and a muffin. I would be in an out in 3 minutes. I was in the store for 2 minutes when a man came in and said, "Miss, your dog is free," and there Rocky was at the door licking the man's shoes. .
This little dog pushed his head through his collar. The man was like, "Yes, I watched him as soon as you tied him up. He was fighting boy!" I thanked him thinking about all the scenarios that could've happened. The Good Samaritan could've just scooped Rocky up without a second thought. Rocky could've run into the street. Another dog could've gotten to him....all these things. I hit Rocky 3 times saying "Bad DOG!" I was so pissed! (and a little embarrassed)
When we got home, I said, "I'm angry with you. Leave me alone." He surely did walk into the other room. 15 minutes later, he tried to smooth things over with a game of fetch. "No, I'm still mad." He went and played by himself. (I don't think he can really understand me. I think dogs can feel energy.)
------------------- BFF called me Saturday afternoon as I was meeting up with her mom and other bestie Toni to do some baby shower shopping. I told her I was on my way to Target and if she wanted to she could come by later. I was frying fish.
The Punjabi mess hasn't been straightened out really. He bought her a car. He's been spending a lot more time with her but she says he's been causing a lot of anxiety because he still hasn't told his mom about her being pregnant and she's worried about how his family will accept her and the baby. She wants to take a break from him. To soothe her melancholy, I told her to come over. We'd watch a movie. I'd feed her. All would be right with the world. Also, Twin was coming over to play with Rocky...he's good at making people laugh.
As me, Twin, Toni and BFF's mom are in the car on the way home. Toni was talking about her dog, Diva nonstop. Then she said, "I'm surprised you got a dog. I thought you didn't like pets. I thought you threw your cat out the window. That's what BFF told me." My face was hot. WHY THE FUCK would BFF tell her that and if she did, WHY would Toni repeat it? I denied it for the sake of her mom and made a mental note to smack BFF when I saw her. I did throw the cat out the window. Afroman and I had just broke up. I found out he left me for his ex and moved upstate to be with her. I had the flu. The cat hated me and only liked Afroman. She was always pooping in the bathtub. I was allergic to her and itchy eyes really just added to the misery I was in. I took it out on her and its not like I live up really high. I live on the 2nd floor. I threw her out in the backyard where it was grassy and she came back the next day.
I got home and started frying up the fish and called BFF to come over. She said she would be on her way. About 15 minutes later, I hear Toni's loud ass mouth. "NINA! NINA!" screaming my name in my hallway not sure which apartment was mine. Not only did she bring her Yorkie, but she also brought Aidan, BFF's cousin. I was even more pissed! BFF was in the car talking to Punjabi. I really hate when people bring others without consulting you to see if its okay first. I was so annoyed. One, because Toni talks non-stop and two, I had a house full of people and wasn't really prepared.
My mom always taught me to always plan for more especially when you're cooking because you never know who will show up for dinner. Thankfully, I had enough for 5 when I only planned for 2. (BFF added at the last minute.) I pulled her to the side when she finally came upstairs. "The least you could've done was text me that you were bringing other people." "I'm sorry. I was busy texting Punjabi." "Whatever." Ohhhhhhhhh. If I could slap a pregnant woman, I would!
My quiet Saturday night was anything but with Toni's dog barking at Rocky anytime he got near her. He's a pup, he wants to play. Finally, Rocky started barking back. Then, Aidan pissed me off with a side remark about Jesus. We were trying to get a wine bottle open. He was like, "Why do we need wine? We could drink water?" I said, "Jesus turned water into wine. Its the next best thing." Toni said, "Amen. Hallelujah. Fill my glass." Aidan gets all serious and says..."Don't believe that shit white people tell you. That story is bullshit." He was about to get worked up when I looked him in the eye and said, "Enough."
Believe what you want but don't disrespect what I believe..especially in my own damn house!Aidan is so weird! This is the same guy that was a Jesus-fanatic last year. Dude is so lost! I cut him some slack. His dad died about a month ago.
The night went on and when the movie went off at 10:30, I politely kicked everyone out. I had enough of Toni's loud mouth, Diva barking, Rocky trying to hump people and playing hostess when I thought it would be just me and 2 close friends.
Aidan said, "Are you really kicking us out?" I just smiled.
I'd been up since 8. 2 hours of dance rehearsal, 3 hours of baby shower shopping, traveling all over Brooklyn, and cooking tallied up to way too many hours on my feet.
Yes. I sure was.
Sunday was uneventful except for the guilt I felt missing church.
Anywhosies...it was a great weekend but I'm still trying to get the fish smell out of my house. I'm about to boil some cinnamon.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Christmas in April
The thing about blogging is that it forces you to face things you do NOT want to think about.
Yesterday, I got up...got Rocky groomed. OMG! He looks like a brand new dog. His hair made him look a lot thicker than he actually is. He is so little and skinny. Its kind of freaking me out. I also feel bad because I used to play with him all rough, throwing him around and such (not far) and now I see how small he really is...I feel bad.
I also got a new phone!! YES! I am now #TeamAndroid. I love it! Its a touch screen with a keyboard. The best of both worlds! AND...I went in thinking I was going to pay about $120, I walked out paying $74. *does running man*
The Android is so different from the Blackberry, I'm really trying to figure out how to work this little thing...I'm so not used to a touch screen. All day yesterday, I was hanging up on people, muting the calls, answering calls on call waiting accidentally without telling the other person to hold...A MESS!!
So, it was a little bit like Christmas.
But, seriously, I was so sick to DEATH of BBM. Some people are cool but others...they are really intrusive with their messages at really any time of the day and then if you don't answer right away, they get pissed off...like, oh, I saw you read my message, why didn't you respond. It was ruining a bunch of friendships.
SO, I go down to get my cart from my mom and a photographer is setting up to take her picture. She's going to be ordained as a minister at the end of the month. The girl who is staying with her, Stef, is doing her makeup. SAY WORD?? I was upset. I'm your daughter. I'm a makeup artist, I thought she would at least ask me. Ok, whatever. Stef does makeup too. I've never seen her work but....ok.
Furthermore, she says..."Can you go spruce yourself up so we can take a picture together?"
I said, "No. I'm on my way to the grocery store."
Seriously, all I had in my fridge was leftover Chinese.
"You've been home all day and now you decide to go to the grocery store?"
Why would you assume where I've been all day?
"All you girls want to do is roam the streets."
So, going to the grocery store at 7pm is roaming the streets. Umm..okay.
As I was leaving, I heard her tell the girl..."Oh we're taking pictures together."
I am so upset because I felt like she could've told me beforehand that the guy was coming to take pictures if she wanted me in them. Who tells someone to go spruce themselves up at the last minute while the photographer is THERE. Part of me feels like if I didn't walk in, I would not have even been offered. AND..we spoke earlier in the day so its really no excuse.
And then you're going to take pictures with this stranger who is living with you for 2 months...professional pictures..really?
Oh, yea and the other day, she was like Stef is your sister. Oh you mean the girl I've known for 2 months...no the hell she's not!
Yesterday, I got up...got Rocky groomed. OMG! He looks like a brand new dog. His hair made him look a lot thicker than he actually is. He is so little and skinny. Its kind of freaking me out. I also feel bad because I used to play with him all rough, throwing him around and such (not far) and now I see how small he really is...I feel bad.
I also got a new phone!! YES! I am now #TeamAndroid. I love it! Its a touch screen with a keyboard. The best of both worlds! AND...I went in thinking I was going to pay about $120, I walked out paying $74. *does running man*
The Android is so different from the Blackberry, I'm really trying to figure out how to work this little thing...I'm so not used to a touch screen. All day yesterday, I was hanging up on people, muting the calls, answering calls on call waiting accidentally without telling the other person to hold...A MESS!!
So, it was a little bit like Christmas.
But, seriously, I was so sick to DEATH of BBM. Some people are cool but others...they are really intrusive with their messages at really any time of the day and then if you don't answer right away, they get pissed off...like, oh, I saw you read my message, why didn't you respond. It was ruining a bunch of friendships.
SO, I go down to get my cart from my mom and a photographer is setting up to take her picture. She's going to be ordained as a minister at the end of the month. The girl who is staying with her, Stef, is doing her makeup. SAY WORD?? I was upset. I'm your daughter. I'm a makeup artist, I thought she would at least ask me. Ok, whatever. Stef does makeup too. I've never seen her work but....ok.
Furthermore, she says..."Can you go spruce yourself up so we can take a picture together?"
I said, "No. I'm on my way to the grocery store."
Seriously, all I had in my fridge was leftover Chinese.
"You've been home all day and now you decide to go to the grocery store?"
Why would you assume where I've been all day?
"All you girls want to do is roam the streets."
So, going to the grocery store at 7pm is roaming the streets. Umm..okay.
As I was leaving, I heard her tell the girl..."Oh we're taking pictures together."
I am so upset because I felt like she could've told me beforehand that the guy was coming to take pictures if she wanted me in them. Who tells someone to go spruce themselves up at the last minute while the photographer is THERE. Part of me feels like if I didn't walk in, I would not have even been offered. AND..we spoke earlier in the day so its really no excuse.
And then you're going to take pictures with this stranger who is living with you for 2 months...professional pictures..really?
Oh, yea and the other day, she was like Stef is your sister. Oh you mean the girl I've known for 2 months...no the hell she's not!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Girls, What's my weakness??? Men, Ok then....
last night, i went on an outing with RastaMan. RM and I were very close in high school, bonding over poetry cyphers. I liked him so much..I wanted him to be with me so bad....it just never happened. we graduated. i went to school in ct. he went to brooklyn college. we talked and still...i wanted something to happen. then, he met this girl. had a baby. they moved in together and now they're going to have another baby together.
still, i'd been carrying something for him. and apparently, he for me. i always considered him to be the one that got away. we wound up at dinner last night after months of him asking me when we could get together to talk. RM and I have always had these amazingly profound intense talks about God, love, politics, hair, passion, purpose...
and we talked. he calls the woman he lives with, his wife because he's committed to her. he talked about his son and the excitement of his soon to be born daughter...we talked about love. passion (as far as careers)...i talked about my uncertainty, he talked about what he sees as an educator in the nyc school system (it sucks) we ate and then we walked...he kept saying that my energy is the same as it was in high school...never innocent and then he'd look at me auspiciously. then it came out.
me: i loved you so much in high school but you didn't want me,
rm: its not that i didn't want you. i was confused. i didn't know what i wanted. it was obvious you wanted a relationship. i wasn't ready.
me: hmmm
rm: tell me that's not what you wanted.
me: ok, it was...but you could have told me.
rm: i was stupid. here was this woman who i could talk to about anything..who was so funny, ambitious, smart and beautiful right in front of me and i chose to walk away from that because i was afraid.
me: wow. thank you. but you found that again in college. the woman who is your wife, right?
rm: i wouldn't say that.
me: well, it doesn't matter what we had anymore. because its too late.
rm: its never too late...you never know what the future holds...we may reunite in that way when we're old..but i get why you say that.
me: because you're married.
rm: because i'm married.
we walked back to the car and sat inside talked about this non-profit he wants to start and more things about how disheartening the education system is...when we heard some call out "Rasta Man" (his first and last name)...it was another old friend from high school...one of RM's best friends. We all used to do poetry together. Let's call him HL. HL kept looking at me like....why are you guys together...I felt like a tramp for admittedly going to dinner and then sitting in a car with this married man. I'm always that girl that guy friends who have girlfriends and my girl friends' boyfriends are always invisible to me...we have no friendship anymore...we have no interaction because it causes trouble in the end. so, you must know..i felt like a scoundrel...we parted ways. rm drove me home. we started talking about religion. as we pulled up in front of my house, rm accidentally grazed my knee as he was maneuvering the clutch...it was nothing but his touch felt like fire in my veins. i said i had to go...i took some pictures of him and hugged him. as i was about to leave. he says...i can't help but think about your cocoon (i told him a poem about how i wanted to slip into some guys bed...a warm cocoon)..i faux-slapped him and walked away from him not really sure of what to say...truthfully...i wanted him to come inside that cocoon too....
this life we lead is so fragile and 1 person can ruin the whole thing for you. i don't want to be the reason by which chaos is introduced into his world. there are children involved and he made a promise to this woman. who am i to interject myself into that?
i felt things that i haven't felt for someone in such a long time...i wanted to bottle it up and wear it as a fragrance...
and so, i went home to sleep uncomfortably understanding the whole other woman thing a little bit more but proud of myself for having self-control, remembering a bit of our conversation from earlier when i told him...everything in our lives after a certain point is dictated by the choices we make.
a friend tweeted me when I got home:
"OMG, I saw you today but u were on a date, so i didn't want to interrupt...u were like reallllllllly into each other. It was so sweet. You were just glowing! Glowing! Glowing! Ugh...beautiful! It was good to see you so happy!"
I was happy but it was not real...a beautiful mirage that disappears as soon as you blink your eyes.
i bbm'ed jj to see if we were still on to lay up this weekend. he said no. i felt desperate disappointment right down to my toes. i feel like i need the type of release that comes from being held and having sex...laughing with a man...giving the guard that's on call 24-7 around my heart and mind the night off.
the one thing i miss about being in a relationship is the freedom to be soft.
*le sigh*
still, i'd been carrying something for him. and apparently, he for me. i always considered him to be the one that got away. we wound up at dinner last night after months of him asking me when we could get together to talk. RM and I have always had these amazingly profound intense talks about God, love, politics, hair, passion, purpose...
and we talked. he calls the woman he lives with, his wife because he's committed to her. he talked about his son and the excitement of his soon to be born daughter...we talked about love. passion (as far as careers)...i talked about my uncertainty, he talked about what he sees as an educator in the nyc school system (it sucks) we ate and then we walked...he kept saying that my energy is the same as it was in high school...never innocent and then he'd look at me auspiciously. then it came out.
me: i loved you so much in high school but you didn't want me,
rm: its not that i didn't want you. i was confused. i didn't know what i wanted. it was obvious you wanted a relationship. i wasn't ready.
me: hmmm
rm: tell me that's not what you wanted.
me: ok, it was...but you could have told me.
rm: i was stupid. here was this woman who i could talk to about anything..who was so funny, ambitious, smart and beautiful right in front of me and i chose to walk away from that because i was afraid.
me: wow. thank you. but you found that again in college. the woman who is your wife, right?
rm: i wouldn't say that.
me: well, it doesn't matter what we had anymore. because its too late.
rm: its never too late...you never know what the future holds...we may reunite in that way when we're old..but i get why you say that.
me: because you're married.
rm: because i'm married.
we walked back to the car and sat inside talked about this non-profit he wants to start and more things about how disheartening the education system is...when we heard some call out "Rasta Man" (his first and last name)...it was another old friend from high school...one of RM's best friends. We all used to do poetry together. Let's call him HL. HL kept looking at me like....why are you guys together...I felt like a tramp for admittedly going to dinner and then sitting in a car with this married man. I'm always that girl that guy friends who have girlfriends and my girl friends' boyfriends are always invisible to me...we have no friendship anymore...we have no interaction because it causes trouble in the end. so, you must know..i felt like a scoundrel...we parted ways. rm drove me home. we started talking about religion. as we pulled up in front of my house, rm accidentally grazed my knee as he was maneuvering the clutch...it was nothing but his touch felt like fire in my veins. i said i had to go...i took some pictures of him and hugged him. as i was about to leave. he says...i can't help but think about your cocoon (i told him a poem about how i wanted to slip into some guys bed...a warm cocoon)..i faux-slapped him and walked away from him not really sure of what to say...truthfully...i wanted him to come inside that cocoon too....
this life we lead is so fragile and 1 person can ruin the whole thing for you. i don't want to be the reason by which chaos is introduced into his world. there are children involved and he made a promise to this woman. who am i to interject myself into that?
i felt things that i haven't felt for someone in such a long time...i wanted to bottle it up and wear it as a fragrance...
and so, i went home to sleep uncomfortably understanding the whole other woman thing a little bit more but proud of myself for having self-control, remembering a bit of our conversation from earlier when i told him...everything in our lives after a certain point is dictated by the choices we make.
a friend tweeted me when I got home:
"OMG, I saw you today but u were on a date, so i didn't want to interrupt...u were like reallllllllly into each other. It was so sweet. You were just glowing! Glowing! Glowing! Ugh...beautiful! It was good to see you so happy!"
I was happy but it was not real...a beautiful mirage that disappears as soon as you blink your eyes.
i bbm'ed jj to see if we were still on to lay up this weekend. he said no. i felt desperate disappointment right down to my toes. i feel like i need the type of release that comes from being held and having sex...laughing with a man...giving the guard that's on call 24-7 around my heart and mind the night off.
the one thing i miss about being in a relationship is the freedom to be soft.
*le sigh*
Sunday, October 3, 2010
one foot in front of the other
i've been rebuilding what i've torn down...piece by piece. life is resembling normalcy with the constant phone calls...nonstop emails...work work work. i can tell i'm getting better mentally because i've been cleaning. my living room is clean..my bedroom is almost all the way clean...my kitchen is clean...i just need to do my dining room and bathroom. when i'm depressed, my space shows it. my space has been borderline disgusting.
i was so excited to go out tonight. i planned my outft in my head all day..changed my makeup twice... first saturdays at brooklyn museum.
first, wynsters and i were supposed to go...she had to go to her boyfriend's father's birthday party. duty calls. i called bff. she has homework to do. bff will be using school as an excuse for everything she doesnt want to do from now until winter break...i'm sure. editor said she would go. she picked up her boyfriend's 4 year old daughter (for what reason, i do not know) and her boyfriend didn't get off of work in time for her to come out. twin had to work. determined not to let (what usually happens when i ask my friends to go out) deter me...i decided to go alone. i usually go out alone anyway...i get to the museum and i run into 2 girls i know from this fashion show i did makeup for and another girl named nina too. i decided to hang with them. big mistake. some women..you just can't be friends with. nina2 was looked for a man. every single man that passed us, she would critique...too corny, did you see how he was dancing?, too old, too young, too wack, no swagger...they were playing some JAMS...no one was dancing but me...i left to get me some wine because they were making me sulk and not enjoy what was going on. when i came back, they disappeared. i ran into one of them...nina2 was staying. she had her eye on a guy with a beautiful back in an orange shirt. i asked her why she wasn't even attempting to look like she was having fun. she wasn't there to have fun. she was there to get a man. wow...ok. her desperation was like a perfume and it really truly was suffocating me. i encouraged her to say something to orange..she did and when i went to throw my wine cup away, she left with him without so much as a goodbye. i guess...mission accomplished.
still undeterred, i was on the dance floor alone....shaking it to salt'n'pepa's "push it"...that's lowkey one of my favorite songs...so i pushed it, i 2-stepped to earth wind and fire's "september" and i jumped up while clapping to michael jackson's mama say mama sah mama coosahh or whatever he says....then at 10pm, abruptly...brooklyn museum shut the party down. it usually goes til 11. everyone was dumb-founded and it took 25 minutes to walk down 3 flights of stairs to leave. i ran into my beloved archer...flirted with him, hugged him up and he made me laugh which was great. after, i had nowhere to go and nothing to do but i wasn't done..
i waited for the train that takes me home...as i was waiting, on the other side, the train that goes to manhattan was coming...i ran and caught it and went to this restaurant this guy i've been bbm'ing is a partner in. it also happens to be the restaurant where me and the nigerian were together last. the restaurant where he left me without saying goodbye...fucker.
i walked in and ran into this dude o who produces nigerian movies and clearly wants something to pop off between us. he offered to buy me a drink and i sat down wanting to talk to bbm dude. bbm dude was busy making sure the patrons felt okay and i was feeling more and more uncomfortable as i remembered that night, watched o watching me and so i just left. i wandered around the streets of fort greene in a mini skirt as the brisk night wrapped around my legs...there were bars i peeked into but just didn't feel like having hungry eyes on me. i walked to this cigar bar, talked to the owner about doing a photo shoot there which he said yes to...got on the train, in a cab and went home.
tonight was a bust.
i need new friends...girls like me who are fun to hang out with, will get dressed up, wear makeup, wear heels and just smile and laugh. where do i find such people? its really getting old to go everywhere alone...praying i find someone to be my friend for the night. i'm trying not to be sad....tonight was supposed to be awesome but it just ended up being anticlimatic...and a waste of $30 in cabs. but no, seriously...where do i find new friends?
i was so excited to go out tonight. i planned my outft in my head all day..changed my makeup twice... first saturdays at brooklyn museum.
first, wynsters and i were supposed to go...she had to go to her boyfriend's father's birthday party. duty calls. i called bff. she has homework to do. bff will be using school as an excuse for everything she doesnt want to do from now until winter break...i'm sure. editor said she would go. she picked up her boyfriend's 4 year old daughter (for what reason, i do not know) and her boyfriend didn't get off of work in time for her to come out. twin had to work. determined not to let (what usually happens when i ask my friends to go out) deter me...i decided to go alone. i usually go out alone anyway...i get to the museum and i run into 2 girls i know from this fashion show i did makeup for and another girl named nina too. i decided to hang with them. big mistake. some women..you just can't be friends with. nina2 was looked for a man. every single man that passed us, she would critique...too corny, did you see how he was dancing?, too old, too young, too wack, no swagger...they were playing some JAMS...no one was dancing but me...i left to get me some wine because they were making me sulk and not enjoy what was going on. when i came back, they disappeared. i ran into one of them...nina2 was staying. she had her eye on a guy with a beautiful back in an orange shirt. i asked her why she wasn't even attempting to look like she was having fun. she wasn't there to have fun. she was there to get a man. wow...ok. her desperation was like a perfume and it really truly was suffocating me. i encouraged her to say something to orange..she did and when i went to throw my wine cup away, she left with him without so much as a goodbye. i guess...mission accomplished.
still undeterred, i was on the dance floor alone....shaking it to salt'n'pepa's "push it"...that's lowkey one of my favorite songs...so i pushed it, i 2-stepped to earth wind and fire's "september" and i jumped up while clapping to michael jackson's mama say mama sah mama coosahh or whatever he says....then at 10pm, abruptly...brooklyn museum shut the party down. it usually goes til 11. everyone was dumb-founded and it took 25 minutes to walk down 3 flights of stairs to leave. i ran into my beloved archer...flirted with him, hugged him up and he made me laugh which was great. after, i had nowhere to go and nothing to do but i wasn't done..
i waited for the train that takes me home...as i was waiting, on the other side, the train that goes to manhattan was coming...i ran and caught it and went to this restaurant this guy i've been bbm'ing is a partner in. it also happens to be the restaurant where me and the nigerian were together last. the restaurant where he left me without saying goodbye...fucker.
i walked in and ran into this dude o who produces nigerian movies and clearly wants something to pop off between us. he offered to buy me a drink and i sat down wanting to talk to bbm dude. bbm dude was busy making sure the patrons felt okay and i was feeling more and more uncomfortable as i remembered that night, watched o watching me and so i just left. i wandered around the streets of fort greene in a mini skirt as the brisk night wrapped around my legs...there were bars i peeked into but just didn't feel like having hungry eyes on me. i walked to this cigar bar, talked to the owner about doing a photo shoot there which he said yes to...got on the train, in a cab and went home.
tonight was a bust.
i need new friends...girls like me who are fun to hang out with, will get dressed up, wear makeup, wear heels and just smile and laugh. where do i find such people? its really getting old to go everywhere alone...praying i find someone to be my friend for the night. i'm trying not to be sad....tonight was supposed to be awesome but it just ended up being anticlimatic...and a waste of $30 in cabs. but no, seriously...where do i find new friends?
Saturday, September 25, 2010
fight fight fight!
it has been 15 days and i'm still sick.
the doctors don't have a clue what's wrong with me....my blood tests came back normal on my kidneys, sugar and blood count...THANK GOD!
the azithromycin they gave me makes me light-headed...
my apartment looks like a crack den but every attempt at cleaning makes me dizzy.
i'm getting scared now.
the thought, "they'll find out what's wrong with you in autopsy" popped in my head and it keeps going on and on like a looped record.
friday, the doctor told me that if i'm still coughing on Monday, to go to the ER and ask them to take a chest xray for me. part of me wants to go to the ER now.
the worst part of this is being alone all the time. mom is in dc burying a cousin. the only other person's house i can sleep at is bff's. sometimes, its overwhelming to be there and i don't want to be a burden on anyone.
i've been trying to look forward to something...in 5 months, i'll be 25 (God-willing) and I'm thinking about spending the weekend at my favorite hotel, The Gansevoort, heels, hair, the works...
right now, i'm having slight chest pain that feels like its going straight to my back. i'm thinking about how do i get to the hospital just in case bff can't take me. when she's asleep, she's asleep. i'm thinking about how tacky my dad's funeral was and how i don't want my funeral to be like that at all. all in all, i try and drive these thoughts away as much as i can and i think about makeup, how i would write some book reviews i need to do...
and of course, thoughts go to the nigerian....wondering if he would've been nice to me...probably not. those thoughts are nice..sleeping in his bed while he brings me tea and holds me at night...knowing that situation, he probably wouldn't let me alone and would just force my sick self to have sex with him....
the truth is...i'm so lonely.
the doctors don't have a clue what's wrong with me....my blood tests came back normal on my kidneys, sugar and blood count...THANK GOD!
the azithromycin they gave me makes me light-headed...
my apartment looks like a crack den but every attempt at cleaning makes me dizzy.
i'm getting scared now.
the thought, "they'll find out what's wrong with you in autopsy" popped in my head and it keeps going on and on like a looped record.
friday, the doctor told me that if i'm still coughing on Monday, to go to the ER and ask them to take a chest xray for me. part of me wants to go to the ER now.
the worst part of this is being alone all the time. mom is in dc burying a cousin. the only other person's house i can sleep at is bff's. sometimes, its overwhelming to be there and i don't want to be a burden on anyone.
i've been trying to look forward to something...in 5 months, i'll be 25 (God-willing) and I'm thinking about spending the weekend at my favorite hotel, The Gansevoort, heels, hair, the works...
right now, i'm having slight chest pain that feels like its going straight to my back. i'm thinking about how do i get to the hospital just in case bff can't take me. when she's asleep, she's asleep. i'm thinking about how tacky my dad's funeral was and how i don't want my funeral to be like that at all. all in all, i try and drive these thoughts away as much as i can and i think about makeup, how i would write some book reviews i need to do...
and of course, thoughts go to the nigerian....wondering if he would've been nice to me...probably not. those thoughts are nice..sleeping in his bed while he brings me tea and holds me at night...knowing that situation, he probably wouldn't let me alone and would just force my sick self to have sex with him....
the truth is...i'm so lonely.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
depression
i've told my friends that i'm fighting the urge to slip into a depression but i'm already here in it.
I found this on postsecret this weekend and it spoke to me so loudly....i've pulled back from my friends because i'm always the bubbly big sister (although every one of them is older than me) and I listen for hours....they know something is wrong with me but they're like...just get better already....so, instead of having to explain why i'm not getting better or trying to make new ish up on why ive been in the bed for 2 weeks, i just pull back. easier on everyone involved.
they don't understand what it means to be depressed. they think it means you're sad and most sadness just passes by naturally right??
I have to psych myself up for every single task. like, ok...nina, you need to get up and shower. ok, we're getting up in 5 minutes. ok, let's break down what goes into this shower...get up, get a clean pair of undies, get your towel, walk to the bathroom, turn on the water....ok, lets get up at the count of 10. 1-2-3-4... literally, this is the mental process it takes to get anything accomplished. if i'm not crying, staring off into space or sleeping...i'm forcing myself to eat, not really liking that sick to my stomach feeling i get from not eating all day...i know that feeling too well or i'm forcing myself to send out job applications. most days, if i step outside my house, i'm lucky. i try and make appointments with friends or solid plans because it will force me to get up and go somewhere. all my friends know i'm methodically on time and i always look a certain way...cute outfit and makeup and so if i show up late looking like a bum, they'll be alarmed. its just that doing so takes so much effort in my state and it takes me 2 hours to get ready instead of 30-45 minutes.
the person who is probably feeling the brunt of my depression is my grandmother. i haven't seen her since thursday and she needs me to do some stuff for her which i haven't done because i just don't have the energy. when i miss a bunch of days, she gets worried and there's no one else to help me take on the responsibility...so, i just have to puuuuuuuuuuuush.
in the meantime, no one knows the whole picture of what's going on....either way i really doubt my friends know how to try and pull me up or that i could trust them enough to allow them to anyway. with most things, i have to help myself. i guess i'm just fighting one battle at a time.
I found this on postsecret this weekend and it spoke to me so loudly....i've pulled back from my friends because i'm always the bubbly big sister (although every one of them is older than me) and I listen for hours....they know something is wrong with me but they're like...just get better already....so, instead of having to explain why i'm not getting better or trying to make new ish up on why ive been in the bed for 2 weeks, i just pull back. easier on everyone involved.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
motherless child
I called my mom today to tell her what's been going on with me and how I'm feeling. We spent 2:27 on the phone before she rushed me off. The first half of the conversation was about something else. She asked me, "How are you?" and I told her. I don't think she was expecting that and so when I told her, she asked me some questions and then was like..."Ok, ok, keep me posted, ok bye."
What the fuck was so important that I couldn't get FIVE MINUTES of your time?
I started crying. I just felt so alone.
(If you don't know)
My biological mom died when I was 3. My dad re-married 3 months later. My dad died when i was 13. Yes, I notice all the 3's, trust me...23 was a scary year...lol. Basically, that's the only mother I know but our relationship has been strained ever since I hit puberty and decided that hey...maybe I could be my own person.
So...I text BFF
Me:Just told mom abt the aches and our conversation lasted 2:27. Like damn..she rushed me off the phone.
BFF: Damn, what's up with that?
Me: Idk...smh..*shrug* I'm a fuckin orphan. Plain and simple.
BFF: Don't say that shit.
Me: Its true. Its ok. I've felt this way since I hit puberty. Just first time you heard me say it. No worries
BFF: No its not. Do you really believe that?
Me: Why do you think I work so hard all the time? why do you think I never ask her for anything, ever? She didn't even know I was sick this weekend.
BFF: I mean I know y'all have a disconnect and sometimes she be tripping but do you really believe you mean nothing to her?
Me: Idk. Forget I mentioned it.
BFF: Sigh. Not something I can really forget.
Me: You just accept that some relationships are built on obligation more than love. Sometimes love is expressed diff by diff people people. Some people measure love by how reliable u are when they're in trouble. Some people only measure love by the things you give them.
BFF: Hmmm. I don't know what to say.
Me: Nothing to say. Time will tell I guess.
BFF: I guess.
Me: Some things are too broken to fix. Like, seriously, BFF when i was sick that last big time, she couldn't even walk up 1 flight of stairs to check on me. Who nursed me back to the land of the living? YOU. When you weren't here, I was ALONE. (**I was sick in 2007...in the bed for about 10/12 days with the flu. It was bad**)
BFF: I'm sorry, Ni. I just feel helpless. I really don't know what to say in her defense. Usually I'm in her ass when I feel she doesn't do right by you but I'm just kinda disgusted by what you're saying.
Me: No worries. I'm fine :) I just needed to vent. I keep certain things locked away bc I don't want people to look at her funny.
BFF: Its not you that's disgusting me, its that I'm harsh. You usually defend her but now you smashing her and kinda taken away any defense she could possibly have.
Me: It doesn't matter anymore. I'm tired. I don't want to talk about it anymore
BFF: Its not about her. Its about you. I'm gonna be mean or nasty to her. And what she does doesn't affect me. It affects you and you are my business. We'll talk whenever you want to homie. Get some rest and drink some water.
Posts from when I was sick in 2007.
The Beginning
A Week Later
The End
What the fuck was so important that I couldn't get FIVE MINUTES of your time?
I started crying. I just felt so alone.
(If you don't know)
My biological mom died when I was 3. My dad re-married 3 months later. My dad died when i was 13. Yes, I notice all the 3's, trust me...23 was a scary year...lol. Basically, that's the only mother I know but our relationship has been strained ever since I hit puberty and decided that hey...maybe I could be my own person.
So...I text BFF
Me:Just told mom abt the aches and our conversation lasted 2:27. Like damn..she rushed me off the phone.
BFF: Damn, what's up with that?
Me: Idk...smh..*shrug* I'm a fuckin orphan. Plain and simple.
BFF: Don't say that shit.
Me: Its true. Its ok. I've felt this way since I hit puberty. Just first time you heard me say it. No worries
BFF: No its not. Do you really believe that?
Me: Why do you think I work so hard all the time? why do you think I never ask her for anything, ever? She didn't even know I was sick this weekend.
BFF: I mean I know y'all have a disconnect and sometimes she be tripping but do you really believe you mean nothing to her?
Me: Idk. Forget I mentioned it.
BFF: Sigh. Not something I can really forget.
Me: You just accept that some relationships are built on obligation more than love. Sometimes love is expressed diff by diff people people. Some people measure love by how reliable u are when they're in trouble. Some people only measure love by the things you give them.
BFF: Hmmm. I don't know what to say.
Me: Nothing to say. Time will tell I guess.
BFF: I guess.
Me: Some things are too broken to fix. Like, seriously, BFF when i was sick that last big time, she couldn't even walk up 1 flight of stairs to check on me. Who nursed me back to the land of the living? YOU. When you weren't here, I was ALONE. (**I was sick in 2007...in the bed for about 10/12 days with the flu. It was bad**)
BFF: I'm sorry, Ni. I just feel helpless. I really don't know what to say in her defense. Usually I'm in her ass when I feel she doesn't do right by you but I'm just kinda disgusted by what you're saying.
Me: No worries. I'm fine :) I just needed to vent. I keep certain things locked away bc I don't want people to look at her funny.
BFF: Its not you that's disgusting me, its that I'm harsh. You usually defend her but now you smashing her and kinda taken away any defense she could possibly have.
Me: It doesn't matter anymore. I'm tired. I don't want to talk about it anymore
BFF: Its not about her. Its about you. I'm gonna be mean or nasty to her. And what she does doesn't affect me. It affects you and you are my business. We'll talk whenever you want to homie. Get some rest and drink some water.
Posts from when I was sick in 2007.
The Beginning
A Week Later
The End
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