stream of consciousness

this weekend was bff's baby shower. it all came together very beautifully. she almost cried at how we decorated and she got SO.MUCH.STUFF. i would love to have a baby shower without the baby.i got up at 7am. i got home at 12am. i was soo tired. my body hurts. i hate certain people right now but she was happy so its all good.

thinking about dk and how much things change when people have sex. i'm wondering if i'm even ready to take that step or if i'm listening to my hormones. there are things he doesn't do that bothers me. such as...i can tell he's not big on pda. i reach for his hand. i initiate kisses in public but in private he's all over me. i get it. but private pda leads to other things. i just like affection. also, our communication sucks. i get that he's busy but ugh! i am not a phone person but i would appreciate if 90% of our communication did not occur via text. "people" generally say that my method of communicating what i want is aggressive and blunt. how do i say what i want (and get it) without being bitchy?

so....i'm checking my fb and guess who friend requested me...THE NIGERIAN. what an asshole! i told bff, he's like michael meyers as jason. you burn him, you cut him up...he still comes out of the water to kill again. my first inclination was to curse him out but then i thought...that's exactly what he wants...he wants me to engage him because it gives him an in to try and charm his way back in. no way jose. fuck off.

the brit (my uk friend how stayed with me last summer for a month, was messy and caused a mouse problem) called and text me yesterday. every african person i've met have been the most persistent people i know. it is super positive when they're in business or have a goal in mind but super annoying when they've offended you and you just want them to take a long walk on a short bridge and they just refuse to do so. (the brit is from ghana but grew up in paris and london)

speaking of africans, dk gets sorta offended when i ask about nigeria.
i asked how he got around the city after he told me a story about how his sister hit someone when she was driving one time. i asked if he drove everywhere, walked or took public transportation. the look he gave me..JESUS! i said.. "look..i've never been to africa and i'm genuinely interested in what its like there. stop waiting for me to say something ignorant about your country or your continent. sheesh!" that seemed to ease him up a bit. he told me about the bus system in nigeria which apparently isn't that great. lol. i told him about the bus system in bermuda which i've never been on because it costs $5 to get on the damn bus. i'd rather walk. thankyouverymuch.

my mom says she's in mourning and doesn't want to speak to anyone really. she hasn't been to church since my aunt passed and she just wants to sell everything and move down south. i have no clue what to say to her. so, i'm letting her ride it out. sometime this week, i'll schedule an intervention.

not to brag but..i've beat jake at scrabble 6 times in a row. he says i'm the only one he hasn't beaten and he's determined to play me until he beats me. the friend in me says to let him win but the competitor says...hell no!i am getting tired of winning though but his tenacity is amazing.

i lost my part-time job. my boss' boss said he didn't need me. i kind of knew it on thursday when he told me not to come in on friday but i'm hoping i got the job i interviewed for on friday although the pay sucks monkey balls. *sigh*

my driving lessons are going well. i'm getting the hang of it. i just need to practice more which means i need to get someone to let me practice with their vehicle. i want my license by september 5th!!!

money is funny and it aint no joke. bff's baby shower gift was $80! baby shit is expensive, i got her a pack of 94 diapers, 3-pack of baby wipes, 3-pack of receiving blankets, baby shampoo, baby lotion and diaper rash cream. i didn't realize it would be so much but i wanted to make sure she got something she could use.plus there were unexpected expenses.like..hey someone run out and get some fruit juice for the punch or chocolate for a game or more ribbon. smh. now, i'm trying to do some creative accounting to get a mani-pedi tomorrow. my feet feel like hell and who knew you're not supposed to leave your pedi bean in the shower. the thing smell like a body decomposing after a while. and, umm, i want to get waxed... *giggles* when you know company is coming over, you mow the lawn, right? i now KNOW i won't have a job so...yea, that gets tricky.

that is all for now. hope your weekend was fab!

Damaged

"Man, Nina, I've been through some shit. Look at these marks on my arm," he said showing me dark brown bruises that were thin and long across his wrist. "My lower back and my ass is fucked up," he continued, "These are from being caned."

I thought two things:

1. My little ole 3 leather belt beatings and a slap across the face are nothing compared to being caned.
2. He is open. He is telling me things. I don't have to pull teeth to hear stories about Nigeria, about his family, about emigrating to America, about his life...he is telling me and trusting that I'm not going to be scared or ignorant or anything.

I was so taken aback and then I realized..."Omg, am I damaged goods?"

He's interested in me and my day and what I do.

"What do you have to do tonight?"
"I'm washing my dog."
"You do the coolest things."

Not really.He calls. He texts. He is NICE.

Do you know how long its been since a guy was genuinely nice to me...and all I keep thinking is how stiff and guarded I am. How I may push him away because I am broken.

After the whole TN fiasco, I built these walls. I know something about walls. My dad showed me how to put up sheet rock against 4 x 4s and how to plaster and sand and that's exactly what I did with my personality. I erected giant 4x4s and fortified them with sheet rock and steel...all because I opeened up to the wrong guy. A guy who made me feel like my personality didn't rock out and that I should just smile and wear something tight and heels that are high. A guy who must've been hurt so deeply his walls were all steel and granite. A guy who just wanted me as a trophy...a guy who wouldn't tell me anything about himself besides business worries and endless parties he wanted me to go to..never anything about his past or future...a guy who dropped hints about how he wanted to change me...with you should go running to lose weight or you should let your hair grow...who chipped at me slowly...a guy who never really showed me affection unless it was to show other guys I was with him (i.e. he catches them checking me out and so he rubs my back and tells them...oh have you met her, she's a model..no really, he did this the last time I saw him) A guy who just wanted sex and food and then discarded all of my feelings.

And now, here's DK.
And I feel like I'm a broken doll who looks cute but as soon as you pick her up, her eye falls out or her head falls off and you see that her hair has been cut uneven and one shoe is missing.

*sigh*

Also...how cool is it that this guy makes me want to be better?

And...its so early (like a week) so I'm trying to keep my head.

P.S. Maybe its my fault - the whole model thing. When FB had a section to write whatever...that little box under your face, I wrote "Lover of Jesus. Leader of the Nerd Revolution. Makeup Artist. Beauty Editor for Magazine. (blah blah blah) Oh yea, I'm a model." The model part was supposed to be a joke because EVERY big girl who is pretty on FB wrote that they were a model. He asked me, "Are you really a model?" I said, "No. I did pose for a few photo shoots but they never really went anywhere. I hate pictures that other people take of me anyway...so, not really." (just to clarify)

...and then it hit me

i re-read the last post, specifically my feelings for tn and i really really sound pathetic. why pine for some who date-raped you? something has got to be missing inside of me. i need to figure out what that is and fill that void asap.

monday, he sent me that fb message:
I apologize for the way things are going between us, it is not that it is my wish

I responded with:
You apologize for the way things went but not how you treated me.

He never said anything back. He called me 2 days later....today, I made up my mind...this situation I'm in is kind of serious. Every aspect of my life has kind of shut down. I'm really going to have to rebuild everything...my body, my spirit, my self-esteem, my business...everything. I wrote him just a few minutes ago:

You are a very funny person, as you like to say.I could've handled the truth if you'd told me that all you wanted from me was sex. I would have respected you. You won't apologize for the way you treated me because you probably don't think you're wrong. I should have listened to you when you said so many times...you don't like anyone, you don't miss anyone. You have no idea what you see in me.The truth is...you are a coward. You said whatever you said and then cleaned it up. You are too frightened to say what you mean and mean what you say, plain and simple. You are too scared to open up even just enough so that I could see there was a persn in there. I learned my lesson. I'm letting you go.

I lingered over the "Remove from Friends" button for a few minutes and let my eyes well up and then I sucked it up and clicked it and his business partner too. I need to let go. I need to claw my way back to happy.

fight fight fight!

it has been 15 days and i'm still sick.
the doctors don't have a clue what's wrong with me....my blood tests came back normal on my kidneys, sugar and blood count...THANK GOD!
the azithromycin they gave me makes me light-headed...
my apartment looks like a crack den but every attempt at cleaning makes me dizzy.
i'm getting scared now.

the thought, "they'll find out what's wrong with you in autopsy" popped in my head and it keeps going on and on like a looped record.

friday, the doctor told me that if i'm still coughing on Monday, to go to the ER and ask them to take a chest xray for me. part of me wants to go to the ER now.

the worst part of this is being alone all the time. mom is in dc burying a cousin. the only other person's house i can sleep at is bff's. sometimes, its overwhelming to be there and i don't want to be a burden on anyone.

i've been trying to look forward to something...in 5 months, i'll be 25 (God-willing) and I'm thinking about spending the weekend at my favorite hotel, The Gansevoort, heels, hair, the works...

right now, i'm having slight chest pain that feels like its going straight to my back. i'm thinking about how do i get to the hospital just in case bff can't take me. when she's asleep, she's asleep. i'm thinking about how tacky my dad's funeral was and how i don't want my funeral to be like that at all. all in all, i try and drive these thoughts away as much as i can and i think about makeup, how i would write some book reviews i need to do...

and of course, thoughts go to the nigerian....wondering if he would've been nice to me...probably not. those thoughts are nice..sleeping in his bed while he brings me tea and holds me at night...knowing that situation, he probably wouldn't let me alone and would just force my sick self to have sex with him....

the truth is...i'm so lonely.

walking out + moving on + being stuck

i went to the doctor today...woke up at 6:30. asked mom for the money for the appointment (a feat fighting myself to actually do that) and then got to the clinic at 8:20. It opens at 8am. I was 13th in line as a walk-in patient since their next appointment is not available until november. anywhosies...10am, i get my blood pressure and temp taken. my bp is 123/58...that seems odd to me. about 15 minutes later, another nurse calls me into her room to ask me what my symptoms are...i try to explain it to her and she cuts me off and is like...what's the main thing bothering you? i tell her the funky urine thing. she looks at my file and is like...you have a history of urine problems...EXCUSE ME?? When you were here in March, you had 6 things wrong with your urine and the doctor gave you some heavy antibiotics. I said...no, that's not true. I came in with stomach pains. He examined me, gave me some pills and didn't explain what the problem was...She says...well that was the problem. You young people only want to drink juice all the time and yadda yadda lecture.

It was at that point that I figured she wasn't going to listen to me and that she was probably going to tell the doctor whatever so they can move on to the next person. Then she goes...Do you have insurance? I say no.. Well, you have to pay for these services. They are not free. I *blank stare* at her for a moment in disbelief that she's talking to me like that. Then she goes, "Do you have money?" My mouth dropped...Yes. Well, go downstairs and pay and then bring your receipt. I felt that I was on an assembly line and all that they care about is clearing me off the schedule and getting my little fear so I'm not freeloading on services.

So...I walked out and didn't come back. I probably won't. That's bullshit.

Then....I come home and get a message on FB from The Nigerian:
"I apologize for the way things are going between us, it is not that it is my wish."

Firstly, he doesn't understand that things are not "going" any way between us....I'm gone. I'm flip-flopping between responding and not...leaning towards not...

I really need to find a job. I need to grind out as much as I can. I need money and benefits.
there's some other stuff going on...will post tomorrow.

so....

I've been MIA for 5 days, so I guess that September blog challenge is kaput.

*Disclaimer: Any comments left on this blog...as long as they are sincere and not bogus like (You are a crazy whore)) or some ish, I will not get offended. Mmmkay?*

On Thursday of last week, I met up with Carter. We had IHOP and we talked some things out. As soon as he heard that me and The Nigerian are no more, he opened up about how he felt that if we slept together, I would try to make him my boyfriend. I told him that wouldn't be. He was new in town and he has to get himself straightened out and I have to get myself straightened out. He then mentioned that he was game for whatever. Suddenly, I was not. The same things that bug me about Carter still do. To go into a physical relationship would be unwise...but I didn't tell him that...*shrug*

Friday, I woke up, my throat hurt, my head was pounding, my body ached. Fuck...I got a cold. The weather changed so drastically and although I had on adequate clothing, I still got sick. It was Fashion's Night Out and I really wanted to go. Editor said she wanted to get ready at my house..I told her yes but on her way, could she bring me some oj, Progresso soup with rice and some crackers. It should come up to a little over $5. It would really help me out because I hadn't eaten all day. She shows up to my house with a small carton (the breakfast size) of orange juice, and 2 cans of soup, both different brands.

Who brings someone who is sick a tiny carton of OJ?! I was done with it in 5 seconds.

Also, I asked for the crackers because typically, when you're sick, you eat crackers so that any food you eat doesn't really bother your stomach. I heated up the soup any way...thinking I would be fine. 2 spoonfuls later, I was dizzy, nauseous and cold. I wasn't going anywhere.

I felt so pissed off .... firstly, I should've known better not to eat the soup but I was hungry. Secondly, I felt like she half-assed it. Being alone and sick in my apartment alone gave me a lot of time to think about things. Editor half-asses a lot of things she does. She's asked me for favors and I've never half-assed them before. Never.

The problem is not Editor and her lazy ass. Its me.
I decided to create a mantra for scenarios like that...I am not Capt Save-A-Hoe. It is not my responsibility to fix people's lives or come in cape blowing in the wind, guns blazing every single time.

Why? Because its rare that people do that for you. Later on, I called BFF and she hooked me up with some crackers, a CARTON of OJ, made a bed for me on the couch, the only place it was really warm, and made me drink some fluids and take some medicine. She also closed and locked my windows so the cold air won't sneak in.

Not saying I wanted Editor to do that...just some effin crackers.

Hmph!!

A couple of days ago...The Nigerian called me. This was actually after my date with Carter. (men always seem to smell when you've possibly moved on) I didn't pick up. I text him.

Me: What do you want?
TN: Nothing
Me: Great! That's exactly what I want from you...nothing. Leave me alone. I wouln't treat anyone the way you have treated me.

silence

Today

TN: Happy Sunday
Me: Fuck off
TN: Fuck off

ummm....ok. He calls me later on today. Dude is delusional!

BFF crashed Punjabi's(her boyfriend whom she's aware has a live-in girlfrend of 11 years) birthday party. She saw them dance together. hold hands and all sorts of bf/gf stuff. His friend came to her and told her that Punjabi was never going to leave the live-in and she should walk away.

She is devastated. She was on the phone with me for an hr and a half going over every detail of what the friend said, what Punjabi did...finally, I was like...

Listen, when Brit was here, everyday for a month, she would wake up, cry and then go on and on for at least an hour with me about why her bf was such an asshole. One day, I told her what I'm about to tell you...

I'm done trying to decipher what people are thinking. I'm not a psychiatrist or a psychologist. Truth is...I don't know. The other truth is...the only theory you're going to come up with is something that makes you feel better. The only way we know what a person is thinking is by what they show us and he's shown you many times over...So, if you want to cry...cry...I'll be here for you. I'd rather you make a plan on how you're going to delete him from your life.

I meant every word.
Right after that, I told her about the texts from TN and she was like..."What is he thinking?"
I laughed.
I said, Girl, I don't know...but what I do know is...he's an asshole.

Phoenix Rising Part 2

I know I'm blogging a lot...there's a lot going on and I need to document it. Maybe I shouldn't also do the blog challenge, but I've already committed to it..I don't know. We'll see.

Read Phoenix Rising first before this post.

Saturday

I awoke some time Saturday afternoon with a fire in my belly. I read Gorgeous Puddin's comment over and over. I rolled what K told me over and over in my head. I wasn't convinced that I was done yet. I've dealt with some pretty stagnant relationships..both mine and my friends and I know enough to know that YOU have to be done with those situations before they are over.

And so, when Wynsters called to go to her friend's housewarming party, I welcomed the distraction. My mind has been elsewhere lately. Beyond TN, beyond everything going on with me. My house is a mess and my mind is just as scattered. As I was getting ready, the top to my fan fell off. I went to turn the fan another direction while not looking and my fingers got caught in the blades. 3 of my fingers were cut but the middle one has a deep gash in it that didn't stop bleeding for at least an hour.

The housewarming party pretty much sucked giving me and Wynsters time to talk. She is totally disgusted with TN and although she is as sweet as pie, she vows if she ever saw TN, she'd curse him to his face. Afterwards, we met up with Wynsters' boyfriend, The Grecian. I told TG what happened and he said some pretty poignant things:

-Why are you with someone who is not nice to you - not even on a friendship level? I wouldn't do that to my friends.
- Why are you messing around with crazy men?
- Why are you taking things so seriously? You are young. You still have time to explore and experiment and most men your age just want to have fun. He's saying he wants a relationship but his actions say that he wants to have fun with you, get up and have you go your separate ways and then call you 2 weeks later to do it again. It doesn't seem like you're up for that so just leave him alone. Just stop. Stop. Stop taking his calls. Stop.

He kind of shook me.

Phoenix Rising

And even after all that he did, I was not content to leave it alone. There's something in me that has to know that dead situations can not be resuscitated. Friday night, he called me at 8pm.

"Are you coming to my event?" The Nigerian asked.
"No," I answered directly.
"Why not?"
"I don't want to."
"Ok," he hung up as I was about to say something else. I fumed. I called BFF. She fumed.
I called him back.

"How dare you hang up on me?"
"I didn't hang up on you.I though we were done."
I let him have it, questioning his intentions...charging him with accusations of only wanting me for sex and patronizing his events. I let off until I was done. He defended himself. I hung up on him, my patience short.

15 minutes later, his friend B called me, stating that TN was MIA for 2 days because he was helping him film and surely, I know what film sets are like, yes?
Yes, but just like I let TN know what I was doing, all it took was a simple text to let me know. B urged me to come to the event. It would mean so much to TN.

I relented.
I BBM'ed Brit what was going on and she said..."You can't break up with him every time you guys hit a rough patch."
She was right.
I showered, put on ample smell-good, a tight dress and some sexy makeup.I sashayed in the place with all eyes on me and my eyes were on him. His jaw dropped. B smiled.

"Hey there sexy. You did good," he said.

Did I?
I entertained the conversation of several men and women while TN played social butterfly, hosting, fluttering by me every now and again.

The bartender asked me to go home with him. I blushed.
"No, I'm with TN."
"That guy?" he said with disgust, "I know that guy. He's not with anyone. Trust me."

I shrugged. I watched as he and B went outside, thinking nothing of it until I was ready to leave. They were nowhere to be found. I dug out my phone which was under a washcloth, fresh pair of undies and some toiletries that I had in my bag.

"Went to shoot with B."

I text him back, furious that he left me in the middle of Brooklyn (albeit a gentrified safe part of Brooklyn) with a text message from across the room.

"I'm handling biz"
"I understand that but a simple goodbye would've been sufficient. You're not even wondering how I will get home."

He didn't respond and my new girlfriends urged me to join them at the bar down the street. I accepted as they sat me down trying to ease my tension with free strong drinks. I was hungry, my eyes searching for my next meal. I was resolving in myself to become a man-eater. A few caught my attention and I caught the attention of many. Of course, those whom I caught, I wasn't the least bit interested in them.

And so my new friend, K says.."Girl, you are too beautiful - too dope as a person to settle for less than you're deserving." EB must have told her what TN did that night and that was enough for her. "Look around you. These men are all staring. You have a power that they're aware of on a subconscious level. You need to use it."

She was saying things I needed to hear and on some level, she was right. I decided to sleep on it.

(to be continued)

before you walk out of my life + doing me

(the story of how we got back together)

TN called me last week and I actually picked up. Brit talked me into giving him another chance and so I relented. I suggested we speak in person because the phone stuff with him is always semi-distracted. On Monday, I go over there. I tell him my piece.

"Our problem is communication."
He says "You can't rush me to open up to you."
I say, "I won't rush you to open up if you don't rush me to do sexual things."

We agree.

I say, "I think that's the only thing you miss about me." (Sex)
He says, "No, I really do miss you as a person. I know you're a good woman but I just don't know how to keep you."

I say, "Its simple. Listen to me. Talk to me. Go out with me. I don't know if you can change."
He says, " I can say whatever. Judge by my actions."

And so, I decided to do that.

Fast forward to how I'm feeling today.
Yesterday, before I left, I asked TN if we could hang out. I'm sick of being at his house or around him and his friends and I really want that summer boyfriend feeling..y'know, walking around town; hand in hand, picnics and such. I mention us having a picnic. He's indifferent to that idea. I pry to see when exactly he'll be free. I know he has an event on Friday. Saturday, he says he's working. Then, he says.. "Call me. I'll make myself available."

So, later in the day, I called at 3:30pm, 9:30pm and at 1am. None of those calls were returned. Today, I realized he hadn't called me all day. I called him at 1pm and I left a message.

"You say you don't know how to keep me. Its real simple. Pick up the phone when I call. If you miss my call, return it. If you can't, a text will do. Call me back."

At 2:30, he calls back. The phone rings twice. He hangs up.
I call him right back. He doesn't pick up.

It's after 6, he hasn't called me back. I'm guessing he didn't mean to call me. At this point, I'm really sick of the roller coaster ride. I'm tired of games. I don't do drama. I'm going to do me. Whatever that means, I'm not sure but I can't concern myself with someone who is not concerned with me on some Basic Relationship Skills 101 type shit. Not when we just talked about it 3 days earlier.

Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.................Fuck it.
There's not one aspect of my life I'm happy with right now. Work, love, body, family...all of it is bugged out. I don't know what I'm going to do. Something has to happen and quick. As for this situation...no tears, no dramatic farewells...I'm not even going to be mean or bitchy to him. It is what it is and what it will be.

I have to work my way back to happy again.

Sept Blog Challenge Day 1

Day 1- Post a photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.

This post is going to be graphic.

I woke up in The Nigerian's bed not having slept most of the night (and not for a good reason). Lately, I have not been sleeping well at all. He hugged and kissed me as I whispered "Good Morning" in his ear. He got up, used the bathroom and I did the same, almost falling over the latest one of his friends sleeping on his couch. I washed my mouth out with his mouthwash and came back to bed and laid next to him. I tried to kiss him but he moved away, saying he hadn't brushed his teeth yet. Am I nasty for not caring? He hugged me close as I turned on my side, my back to him. He fondled my breasts, stomach and played with my underwear.

He got up, put on a condom and took out some lube. As he pulled down my underwear, he started feeling at a patch of eczema that's on my hip. He asked me what it was and I told him. He said...isn't eczema a communicable disease? I told him, it was not but he wasn't sure. He kissed me as he laid down and pulled me on top of him. As I rode him, he made noises and pulled at my nipples. He stopped and asked, "Are you about to cum?" I told him I was not. This all-too familiar topic comes up every time we have sex. My inability to cum with penetration is wearing on both of us. Him, his pride and me, my patience and frustration on this topic. He told me to turn on the lights and lay down on my back.

I obeyed. "Masturbate," he said. My interest piqued, I did as I was told. I opened my legs and closed my eyes as he watched. I tried to keep my mind on him but I was thinking about Carter, about a threesome with me and his friend, B on his couch, about this lesbian girl he wants to eat me out. "Cum for daddy," he purred, messing up my concentration. I felt rushed. I lied and told him I was done. I came but really, I didn't. He entered me and the feeling was positively electrifying. My body was already sensitive because I was able to warm myself up. He was in heaven. I laughed and told him that he needs to be careful. We both have things to do and he's going to put both of us to sleep.

He turned me over. "I want to fuck your ass." This, another topic of discussion that wears on us as well. I'm not a fan of anal sex, having tried it with one or two other partners but he likes it the most. I don't want that to be apart of our sexual routine, as I envision those girls in porno, their anus wide holes. I conceded, curious to if it would hurt less than it did last time and if, magically, I would begin to enjoy it.

He entered me and it hurt like hell. I stopped him. We had lackluster vaginal sex for about 5 more minutes as I felt his disappointment drip down on me like his sweat. "Ok, let's try it again," I said. Biting the bullet, I tried to relax as much as possible. It hurt and I fell down on the bed with him still inside of me. He was moaning telling me how much it feels good to him. "Talk dirty to me." I just wanted him to be done and so, I said whatever in which he eventually came.

He gets up and he's like...oh shit, the condom is still inside you. I'm pissed and I go to the bathroom and try to force it out because there's no way I can put my finger up there and get it. I'm silently freaking out inside and he's like, you look mad. I say, "If there was something inside you, wouldn't you be a little upset? I know it's not technically your fault but damn!" He says, "Don't worry, you'll shit it out." He gets on the phone with his job trying to get more hours and then he calls some girl asking her if she's coming to his event on Friday. I can tell they're friends and he probably haven't spoken in a while and I'm like..."Do you have to have this conversation right now?" I calm down, feeling like there was nothing I could do. We both fall asleep on separate ends of his Queen bed.

We awake to B knocking on the door. B needs to get something from TN's closet so, he puts the covers e awake toover me. After B leaves, I get dressed. I calm down. B puts on Rick Ross' BMF and they start talking in stupid guy talk. TN starts moving his hands like how rappers do and he's like yea..I'm a boss. He then says some other things that I would expect an American-born man to say and I tell him to turn off Rick Ross because clearly, he's corrupting him. TN laughs and tells B what I said. He's like, "Just cause I don't talk like that doesn't mean I don't know the words to say. I just choose to be gentle with you." I say, "Yes, I appreciate that. I don't ever want to hear you talk like that to me." He laughs, saying yes...certain things I leave for the whores I'm used to dealing with. (there was a segway into that comment but its too much to type). I ask, "When are we hanging out?" He doesn't answer and I look at my watch, impatient. He says to call him and he'll make time but Thursday - Saturday, I should know that he's working. I say, "Yea, you probably say things like that to all your whores." "You are not a whore." "Just making sure you know that." "You are a very funny woman, ogbanje." I call him Eze which is Igbo for King. Ogbanje is like an evil spirit. Read more about it here. I tell him to find another name for me. That's not nice. He says it will be another Igbo word but he won't tell me what it means. We laugh. I speak to him in French. B sticks his nose in and tries to speak French very poorly.

I leave. Go to the store and buy a juice and some cookies. Take a cab home and fair enough, the condom passes out which was very weird. I resolve in myself that something's got to give. I don't want that to happen ever again. I tell BFF what happened and she freaks out more than me. I shower, dress and help Editor pack up because she has to move out of her house (long story). BFF picks me up and takes me to get something to eat and then home. I field calls from grandma's social worker and from her potential home health aide. I get stressed out because she needs 24 hour care once she's discharged. Also, Verizon sucks ass and hasn't turned on her phone. Her house is a mess. I also need to go grocery shopping for her. Instead of being discharged on Friday, she won't be discharged until the 21st of September. She won't be happy. By the time I get home, I'm stressed and tired. I fall asleep and wake up at 6pm. I get up, blog, tweet, pay some bills.

That was my day.

I'll explain how me and TN got back together and some other stuff in between at a later time.

tectonic plates

there is a shifting going on inside of me. a move in my attitude. an awakening.

after i wrote that blog post, i made two calls.

carter.
i told him i might want to get back with the nigerian and that i still wanted to sleep with him. he said..."flow with what you think is right. whatever you want from me, whether it is a relationship or just sex, i'm here. i'm yours..if you want me." he said he would come by today (friday) to take care of my little itch.

the nigerian.
he was in true nigerian form. cagey. busy. withdrawn. he answered the phone and spoke to me as if nothing had changed.

i suggested we meet and talk in person. he said...why, when he was listening then.
"did you think you lost me?" no answer. "repeat the question." silence from me.
"do you still like me?" "i don't like anyone." "i'm not just anyone." "i like everyone."

irritated but voice still calm.
"are you really going to play this game with me right now?"
"i'm not playing a game. i don't like this feeling. like you're pressuring me."
"im not pressuring you. i'm just trying to see where i stand, how you feel about me."
"i can't do this now. my head is not here. i have an event tomorrow. i'm tied up doing stuff. maybe we should talk in person."

exasperated.
"that's what i said."

we agreed to meeting on monday.

and then i started thinking.
fuck the nigerian. here, carter is handsome. he's funny, smart, ambitious, driven, and most of all.....
he talks to me. he listens to me. he opens up to me.

WHY would i leave that to go to someone who is distrustful, uncommunicative and in recent history has not been very nice to me?

WHY would i even come to carter with that bullshit?

WHY would i jeopardize carter for the nigerian?

because i'm an idiot.

i woke up today. went to target. got a pedicure. cleaned the house, changed the sheets, called carter.

he "forgot" he was supposed to come over. either, he's pissed at my decision to go back to the nigerian or he really wanted to play madden. he asked if i wanted to come to his house and play madden with him. O.o

i passed.

i told him i was an idiot for wanting even for a second to go back to the nigerian and that we will talk on monday because i need....closure. he understood.

but, my bed is empty right now.
the wheels started turning in my head and i realized that my attitude is changing back to the person i was 2 years ago.

after afroman.

enter blair. enter dame. enter aussie.

these were the people i slept with thinking that i was empowered and could handle a fwb situation. the blog was so steamy. your monitor would fog up. these people hardened me against men. i picked up the mantra..."i'm doing me and you just because." this attitude drove me to celibacy after aussie.and celibacy has driven me to carter who is taking his time because he likes me. which i appreciate..but only marginally.

and celibacy has taught me that carter is a gem and to appreciate him.
it has also taught me to control my urges. my willpower is amazing. but lately...as in for the past 3 days...i've masturbated like a madwoman...feeling like those first few days of celibacy again. also equating my situation to being let out of prison fearing being put back in.

either way, there is a new me emerging. she looks like old me.
ruthless, cunning,exacting.

she's got some new traits.
fearless, assured.

this is slightly scary.

lose control.

i went out with carter again tonight to a mixer where people from the entertainment industry go to network. it was so EMPTY when we got there and the host was pressuring us to buy drinks. on our way to the party, he asked me about my boyfriend and i told him. he was shocked. he could tell that i really didn't want to talk about it and so he made a joke about how i would seek revenge on him or something that lightened the mood.

carter is really fun. he's talkative, cute, tall, easy to be around and everyone loves him. i was telling him that i kind of felt guilty when things didn't work out with the nigerian. minus the big event that led to us not being together, i kind of felt relieved that i finally found someone i could call my boyfriend without hesitation. i felt like my friends are always with someone and i'm the eternal 3rd wheel. they kind of just dive into relationships and my love life is more revolving door than escalator. i REALLY don't want to be that spinster friend.

carter said that there's nothing wrong with my dating habits and that i should take this time to date. i should be wary of people who have boyfriends just so they don't have to be alone.

thinking about my love life, this past year and a half and even before then...i would say ever since i broke up with afroman, 3 years ago, my life has been very controlled. even if it were something that i couldn't control, like my job...i mastered everything in my love life. part of me feels like i've forfeited the chance to really explore and see what i want.

i'm not sure if i'm handling things well. by nature, i'm not a "spill your guts" kind of person. and so, the people i tell what happened, they feel real protective anger behind it and i feel like they want something from me...i'm not sure what it is. in true aquarius nature, i've emotionally detached myself from it because i don't understand the reasoning behind someone taking anything from me. also, i've never been in victim mode where i feel sorry for events i can't change. i'm just not thinking about it. i really don't even want to talk about it anymore unless its in this space where i can analyze my feelings when they come. knowing me, they won't come for some time. when my dad died, i didn't cry about it for a whole year. i just kind of shut down emotionally and i don't know how NOT to do that. i love my dad fervently.he was my best friend for a while.

and then there's carter. everyone knows me and tn broke up, a handful know why...but even on the surface, like..ok you and your bf just broke up about a week ago and you're with someone else. i'm not with him. carter told me straight up...his divorce is almost final from his wife. he's not trying to get into a relationship. i respect his honesty. i'm wondering if carter is a rebound or if he's what i really need right now. he's a listening ear, if there was ever anything i wanted to say, he gives me tons of affection and i'm really attracted to him and will probably sleep with him on friday or something...i really can't wait because if the sex is as good as the foreplay, it will be explosive.

i don't want a relationship. i want to be free. i want to fly at a moment's notice.

but either way..this post is about whether i'm dealing with the demise of the relationship, the "big event" that caused that demise properly. i don't know.

the whole thing with carter...i'm going to take some bad advice from Brit. She said...
"You're young. Have fun first and see if it will work later." Maybe its time for me to loosen the reins a bit and live a little.

i'm hoping my disjointed thoughts made sense...sorry guys...i usually formulate these things bettter.

Close the Door

I say he was acting as if he didn't have time for me and wasn't taking my calls. I say he was only calling me for sex and food.

He says...He was doing business with Brit. She fell through on her end of the bargain. She made it seem like I was going to call him and make him continue with their business arrangement. Instead of being rude to me, he ignored my calls. He said he wasn't calling me specifically for those things, it just so happened that he was horny and hungry when he called.



I say The Nigerian forced me to have sex with him on Sunday. He told me he would rip off my underwear if he had to. I let him take what he wanted until he tried to do anal. I told him to stop. He didn't stop. He did it anyway. I felt violated.

He says...it was foreplay and he could tell I was enjoying it.

I say...I'm going to forget you exist and you should forget I exist. You want what you want and you don't care about anyone else.

He says..I make quick judgments and that's what ruins things for me. I can forget him as I wish but he refuses to do so.


Either way, he stopped calling and texting. I know how I feel about the situation. I know how I feel towards him.

Tonight, on a whim, I decided to invite some folks over, make tacos and watch a movie. I was feeling so stressed out not to mention yesterday, my phone broke. ANOTHER blackberry quit on me. I went out and bought a little flip phone for $30. i invited Wynsters, BFF, Toni Childs and Carter.

Carter looked really good. He was hugging on me and kissing on me all night. It was really intense and if I had not been on my period...things would've gone far....

Carter is a good egg. I don't feel any of the negativity that I felt with The Nigerian. I can't lie...I was sizing the two of them up together. Carter helped me clean up a little. My friends love him. He talks to me. He listens. He talks to my friends. Everyone loves him. He's attentive. We were making out like teenagers and I didn't feel like I had to put out. I didn't feel anything but good and wanted. I didn't feel like if I said no, he would be violent or aggressive. I didn't feel like I was walking on eggshells. He was exactly what I needed.

I asked BFF to take him home. She text me to say that he asked her to drop him off at a party around the corner from his house...I really wanted to reply..."I don't care. He's not my man. I don't want a man. He was fun for the night..." I just said okay.

The thing with TN made me so angry..for a moment i was really hating men but I can't hold on to those emotions for too long. That goes against my nature. I dealt with it and now, I've chosen to let it go. I'm at a crossroads where I need to analyze my place in life on all levels. I need to move. I need to be free. I don't know where anyone fits in that. I'm trying to find where I am first.

The quick chapter with The Nigerian is done. Waiting to see what new door slide open.

I am doing much better.
On my way to okay.

Sense and Sensibility

I told BFF everything that happened yesterday (last post). I was struggling within myself because The Nigerian moves me. He makes me want something with him. He stirs something inside of me that hadn't been stirred in a while.

I was seriously thinking about breaking my celibacy for him.

BFF listened and talked to me about my reasons why. Honestly, I miss close intimate contact with someone but I want more than the physical stuff.

He would put the taste in my mouth but not quench my thirst.

"If he likes you, he will wait," she said.

Our generation doesn't know how to wait...doesn't know what too fast is and that's sad.

I want to do it but I'm not comfortable yet and why should I rush myself?

Tomorrow is the last discussion I want to have about it with him. At least for a while. Take it or leave it, I want to say. I'm prepared for both.
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Boundaries

(Long post)

I had a talk with Twin about the last post. I mean...if anyone could smack some sense into me, it would be him.

So, he told me I was being irrational, expecting The Nigerian to understand where I was coming from. So, we spoke briefly. He still wanted me to come to his house. I did.

As soon as I walked through the door, he hugged and kissed me. I could tell he really missed me. I met another random friend of his. His friend conveniently left and I sat on his chair. He knelt in front of me and started kissing on my thighs, running his hand up and down my legs. He parted them open. Stop. He looked at me like a child who'd been caught sneaking cookies.

I explained to him my celibacy. He looked shocked but he understood but I could still see a little sexual frustration.

He stood me up and we danced barefoot to an African artist named, Eve. It was beautiful. It felt so spontaneous and romantic. He grabbed me from behind. I could feel his excitement. He turned me around. Fell to his knees. Unbuttoned my shirt. TN...I said. He said he wanted to look at me.

I protested of course. We danced some more and kissed.

"What's the problem?" he asked.
"I have boundaries and you should respect that."
"I have boundaries too. Don't talk to me in public. Don't touch my hair. Don't kiss in public. How does that make you feel? Restricted right? I don't want to have boundaries with you. I want to go with the flow."

That sounded good to me. He took off my shirt and bra and stared at me. He took of my skirt and body shaper (lol).

"I have my period."
"I wasn't going to look inside you."
He traced his fingers down my spine tattoo and kissed it. He sat me down and took off his shirt and shorts. He did a lil spin for me.

"Look at me like how I'm looking at you."

He is gorgeous.

He led me to his bedroom and we laid on his bed holding each other.

"I just wanted to cuddle." he said.
He called me mysterious woman and looked in my eyes. I told him that he was the mysterious one and he told me to ask him anything I wanted to know. Again, blank.

I asked him about his past relationships. He said, they are the past. Why bring them up? Hmmmmm. He said I should never compare myself to any woman. Ever. (True true, lol)

He flipped me over and kissed me, opened my legs, let me feel his hardness, licked and sucked my breasts, held me. He felt so good.

"I want to devour you," he said looking into my eyes while dry humping me. (Lol)

We laid down wrapped in each other, saying little. He dozed off a bit. I was lost in my own thoughts. my phone was keeping me anxious as it went off ever 5 minutes. I had to leave soon to go to the movie set. J would be calling.

He did. He called and I got up and dressed. Perfect timing because his friend came back as soon as I was dressed and re-applied my makeup.

I told him I was considering breaking my celibacy with him, which I am. I don't like anxious feeling I get from him surrounding the topic so I think I'll let him wait some more. Even after my period is long gone.

I've been around enough to know once you stay in the house, once you start having sex, once you stop going out...that's it. How do I put this brotha on ice without hurting his pride and ego?
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Hungry Dog or Eager Man?

Soooooooo....we started making the movie that I wrote the screenplay to and it is GRUELING! I've been getting home at 9am each day which means I sleep all day and do it again. I've had no chance to get things done. My house is a mess. My grandmother's stuff is in disarray. I haven't been a productive at all.

Anyways...in the midst of this, I've been trying to hang out with TN, Twin and BFF. Needless to say, I haven't been successful.

Sooooo....Wednesday. We had a day off from filming but everyone was busy. I had a meeting for a photo shoot I did today and I promised my friend I'd see him rock his show. I got home at 1:30. The Nigerian called me asked me to come over. He also asked me to come over on Date #2 and I said no. This time I was like "What are we going to do?"

He said he just wanted to cuddle, talk and kiss. I thought it was cute.
He says, "I don't want to cuddle with you anymore. I'm not inviting you anymore. Coming over is a choice and you're choosing not to come."

I said, "Not really. I explained it to you. You know my reasons."

He said, "Bottom line. Are you choosing to come over. Yes or no?l

I said no.

Then out of nowhere he says, "Don't think I want to have sex with you so if you think that put it out of your mind."

I totally want thinking that. (Should I have been?) I giggled.
I can't remember how we ended the conversation exactly. I know I mentioned something about going there in the DAYTIME the next day. We hung up.

Thursday, I was called in to help on the video set and called him to say I couldn't make it. He said he didn't remember us saying we would hang out but fine.

He calls me at 12:30am. I told him we were filming. He asked what time I would be done. It was supposed to be a light day so I said 2 or 3. He asked me to come over again. I said no. I thought it was inappropriate. He persisted. I asked, "What are your intentions?"

He said, "You are a grown woman. Do I have to spell it out for you?"

I felt that was hella rude and I was taken aback. I was like "Excuse me?"

He said, "Its okay if you're not attracted to me as a man as I am to you as a woman"

I said, "I am attracted to you but I think its too soon and I'm not ready to take that step. Don't you take your time. Everything feels so rushed."

He said, "Are you attracted to me? Do you want me to kiss you, hold you, touch you, make love to you?"

I said, "Yes but not all of that tonight." I told him that I probably wouldn't be coming over anyway because besides it being too late, I was working on a hot set all night and I'm sweaty and dirty.

He said, "If you really want to see me that shouldn't matter. I don't care."

I was stern and I said no. I'm not coming.

I had to go. I say this.

He says, "No one is stopping you!"
Word?!

He calls me back at 1:30, full on tired voice and says, "I'm waiting up on you."

Annoyed, I said, "No you're not. I'm not coming over!"

I hang up on him.

I'm pissed. I feel like all he wants is sex. At 7:30am, J is driving my home from the video set. TN calls. I ignore it and get upset. I tell him the whole story. He says: It must be more than sex if he's calling you at this time of the morning. If its just sex, he'll call you when its convenient.

I dunno. What do you guys think?
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Date #2

(Please read the post beneath this)

I literally laid in bed all day today, taking breaks to drink water and stretch a bit. I watched a couple of episodes of Star Trek as I mustered the energy to get up and do something. ANYTHING.

I saw on Twitter that everyone was at Prospect Park and secretly wanted The Nigerian (TN) to call me to go and he DID!

On the train, I asked him if me not kissing him upset him. He said he didn't understand why I wouldn't want to and I said...I felt it was forced. He said a kiss is a kiss and it doesn't mean anything. I disagree. I could see he might've been upset and I tried to make light of the situation by saying..."You're so sensitive!" He looked me in my eyes and said..."I am very sensitive and very jealous." (Shit! It was intense.) I told him I am not a jealous person (which I honestly don't think I am.)
As soon as we got to Prospect Park...it was PACKED! There was no phone service and I felt like we had no friends as I couldn't find anyone. Finally ran into some friends but they had no food. Lol. Ran into a boy I LOOOOOOOOOOVED in high school but had a girlfriend all the way through. He always wanted me to keep my hair natural and he saw me with my short cut and was like YES! TN walked up a bit further. His words swirling in my head, I didn't want to linger too much. He was like....is that your man? I was like...sort of. (Lol) He said...why you bringing sand to the beach?

True true. Lol
There were SO MANY beautiful black men out there...OMG! It was ridiculous. It made me almost want to go to the gym and get right. The way they were acting tho...so THIRSTY. I'm glad I was with TN. I didn't want dudes (and a couple of chicks) grabbing at me. Wtf son?

I felt really out of place amongst his friends. I really came out of nowhere in TN's life. I'm not his girlfriend. This is our 2nd date! Really, I didn't want him to meet any of my friends and I didn't want to meet his.

He introduced me to his friend who produces porn movies. His friend told me TN is going to shoot one (O.o) as long as he can stomach it. His friend was really graphic about how he was going to eff Pinky and at that point, TN was like...this is a lady. We shouldn't talk about this in front of her.

Thanks boo! -_-

TN introduced me to a photographer who talked to me all night. He was so cute and funny. He talked to me about how African men are really aggressive. He joked with me all night which was good because TN was basically with his friends, the porn guy (who I stayed away from) and some random girl who kept feeling up on his arm. Granted, he does have muscles. The photographer whom I shall call GJ (Ghanaian Joker) saw me looking at this chick hard and was like..."Don't worry. Girls that are all up on men like that don't want the man. They want something he has or he is." TN is pretty big in the African nightlife scene and everyone knows him but yea, GJ's words didn't really help.

GJ and I had some serious chemistry. He kept touching me which I couldn't tell if it was platonic...you my friend's girl..let's be cool or it was I like you, let's get closer. He did it in front of TN too...so yea..could be nothing. GJ happens to be a photographer and will do some stuff for me for free where my regular photog was going to charge me $250. BOOM!

TN is such a man. He said that thing about not paying for stuff but because we were in front of his friend, he paid for my lil fruit smoothie thang...funny. He invited me back to his place.

I was hungry. Read: angry bc my blood sugar was low and not in the mood to be touched. Read: sweaty. He actually wiped sweat off my face saying he doesn't care abt that.

I declined the invitation. We hugged and kissed and now I'm home. I may like this guy...a lot. He calls. He wants to see me. He's really affectionate. Its awesome!
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The Nigerian

We had been FB friends for months before I met him in person (March 2010). It was a happenstance situation where you just recognize someone you know from the internet. From there, I wasn't quite sure if I wanted to date him. He's not my type at all. Not really. He's short - maybe 5"5. He's from Nigeria. I haven't really had a good track record with dating African men.

But he was persistent and consistently pursued me. Which, he gets some cool points for.

I gave in. Our schedules didn't really coincide until I decided to stop frontin and called him to see what he was doing.

(Pause. Our first convo before our date. He was like...are you seeing anyone? I said no. I'm dating though. He said the same. Then he asked me when I date who pays. He thinks we should pay for ourselves. This stirred up a lot of trouble amongst the girls)

So...we met up at Habana Outpost. He looked hella sexy in his fitted striped button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up, khaki shorts and dress shoes. When I saw him again, I was like...ok. I can do this. Lol. We talked a lot about the notion of marriage, having multiple wives/husbands, society's expectation of men and women, etc.

After we left...we walked a little where he grabbed my face and tried to kiss me. I turned my head and told him no. He tried twice more and I did the same thing.

I told him to stop. Other than that...it was sorta perfect.

I can't believe I actually like someone. Who knew?
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