There is an awkward moment when you want to tell a story on your blog and you can't because you haven't blogged in a while and there's a backstory and you have to get through that before you can get to what you really want to say and you kick yourself for not blogging when you should have.
And you just go...
FUCK! ME!
There is also a moment after you have been celibate for over a year where you question your actions, your sincerity for Jesus and why you're voluntarily running away from the peen.
You repeatedly ask yourself...What is wrong with you?
You don't really think about sex besides it being a foreign concept once you possibly find someone you could sex it up with but that seems far off until you meet someone like...Trini.
Can I say that I am super proud of myself for not being a whore and smanging him yet.....although, if it were under my control, I'd have sexed him last weekend and will sex him this week sometime, the fact that it hasn't happened yet and we've been talking and dating and enjoying each other's company for 4 months...puts a smile on my face. Seeing as most women give up the drawls after 2 weeks, using my informal poll of just talking to my coworkers.
And yes...the 4th was my birthday and I didn't get any birthday love. So depressing!
Ahhh...I'm all over the place.
Last night, I had a wonderful time with Trini although it didn't really start out that way.
We agreed the night before that we would see each other Friday night. I wanted to have sexy time because I am a huge lust bucket right now. Turns out, I was itching for some loving because I was super hormonal with my period. So, I wake up all bloody and angry. Trini's brother was coming into town that night and he had to pick him up from the airport around 7:30. His brother wanted to go and have drinks and Trini actually invited me. (I was kinda stoked). We would meet up around 9/9:30. Me knowing black folks and time, I started getting ready at 9:30pm. I looked for a cute outfit, my heels, tight jeans, biker jacket and I curled my hair.
At 10:30, he still hadn't solidified plans with me and I was getting hot. His brother went ghost on him and he wanted to wait to speak to him before we went anywhere. I had to be at church at 9am this morning and thus, was disinterested in waiting on his brother and was more interested in being held, kissed and hugged up on.
Anywho, he finally picks me up at 11:15 and we go cruising around my neighborhood for some place to go. Sidenote:BFF told me to text her his license plate number and the make and model of his car plus his address. After the whole Nigerian thing, she has become super protective of me. And...I got only half of his plate memorized.
SO, we go to this random place that I would never go into alone and it is poppin. Good music. Good food. Random people in there. Older folks 2stepping. Young folks Dougie-ing.
We ate some wings and talked about what we both want. He told me (again) he just wants companionship and good sex. I told him in plain language, that's okay for right now but eventually, I want a husband and some kids. He understands where I'm coming from and I thanked him for his honesty. He asked me to dance. We did some dancing where he twirled me and we danced close like we were at prom. He leaned in and kissed me and...it.was.on from there.
Some wild woman came out of me and I had him against the wall with my tongue in his mouth, grinding on him. I was all over him. Yo...his arms. His abs...his body is amazing. I was touching him and kissing his neck and biting on his ear. He stopped and looked at me and said: "Who are you? This is not the same girl I've been talking to all this time. Who is this woman?"
I just smiled. Something in me triggered on and it is going to be hard to turn it off.
"You're not going home tonight. You're coming to my place. In the morning, you're calling out of work."
That was the sexiest thing I've heard from a man in a long while.
I had to not so delicately remind him of my period. He was not fazed. He said we'd have to reschedule but I'm in trouble.
I love trouble.
He held me close. He grabbed my booty. I held my head back as he bit my neck. Whew! We started dirty talking each other. Soon we looked at the clock and it was 2am. He dropped me off home. He sent me some pictures of what he's working with. My oh my!
I am in trouble.
I love trouble.
Showing posts with label christian walk. Show all posts
Showing posts with label christian walk. Show all posts
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Sunday, August 7, 2011
weight watcher
when i got the position as assistant to the lead servant of the dance ministry at my church, the lead servant had a conversation with me about my weight.
she was gentle.
but she said that if i lost weight, it would help me be a better dancer and a better leader because what we do is physical. if i have to show someone a move, i need to be precise. we watched videos of me dancing (i hate to watch myself) and she was right. i thought i was giving 110%...i look good dancing but only 80% of the effort showed.
of course, being a big girl in human society....my weight comes up with me just walking down the street. conversation starters are always...you're so pretty...for....you guessed it...a big girl.
but i never internalized it.
not a lot of it.
because my self-esteem can't be wrapped up in other people's perceptions of me.
wynsters asked me if i ever consciously tried to lose weight. i told her i had not.
it is the truth.
part of me is afraid to try and lose weight because i'm afraid i will fail.
i've danced, ran track, played soccer and rugby - in that order my whole life and i've always been heavier than (mostly) everyone else while being excellent at all of those things shedding light to the other part of me which hasn't consciously tried to lose weight...its my personal rebellion.
i can be (literally) 100 pounds heavier than you and just as fast, just as graceful, just as precise and have just as much endurance as you. i can be heavier and still be beautiful.
working in the beauty industry is super interesting.
i am with 6 girls in my personal space all day. i interact with hundreds of other women who have issues with their appearance. no matter what: thin, big, tall, short, long hair, bald..no matter what, they have a need in them to change something about their appearance.
if i were thin, what else would i seek to change about myself? (that's rhetorical, of course)
anywhosies...while discussing the nature of my conversation with the lead servant, let's call her ls to wynsters, i told her i needed to think over my stance. she looked at me funny and i understand why. it was probably clear. i need to lose weight. i'm clearly obese (medically speaking). there are a bunch of reasons/way why the weight loss would be necessary and could be beneficial to my life...so, WHY think about it. the reasons i needed to are aforementioned.
so, i did what any woman my age would do...i installed an app on my phone to help me gauge where i am and see how much work i need.
noom (the app) said i need to consume 2090 calories per day, work out at least 3 times per week for an hour to lose about 2 pounds per week.
i was consuming 500 - 700 calories per day. most of those calories were bad according to noom...about 70% of those calories are bad...meaning high in caffeine and sugar.
i've been taking baby steps like.....eating more than 1 meal per day, cutting back on the pepsi and while i haven't been exercising (at all), the weight is starting to slide off. at work, i am on my feet all day, constantly moving...bending and running around the counter. a lot of people have noticed the weight loss which is cool and my work pants (i wear them like 3 out of 5 days) are super loose.
i'm not making a grand announcement but i am going to try and eat more (the good stuff). i'm still at 900 calories per day. in the morning, if i eat, my stomach gets ripped apart it feels like...
no bueno, man. no bueno.
but since i have lost the weight i have, standing on my feet is less horrible. my ankles and knees are in less pain and that's great. so, we'll see.
she was gentle.
but she said that if i lost weight, it would help me be a better dancer and a better leader because what we do is physical. if i have to show someone a move, i need to be precise. we watched videos of me dancing (i hate to watch myself) and she was right. i thought i was giving 110%...i look good dancing but only 80% of the effort showed.
of course, being a big girl in human society....my weight comes up with me just walking down the street. conversation starters are always...you're so pretty...for....you guessed it...a big girl.
but i never internalized it.
not a lot of it.
because my self-esteem can't be wrapped up in other people's perceptions of me.
wynsters asked me if i ever consciously tried to lose weight. i told her i had not.
it is the truth.
part of me is afraid to try and lose weight because i'm afraid i will fail.
i've danced, ran track, played soccer and rugby - in that order my whole life and i've always been heavier than (mostly) everyone else while being excellent at all of those things shedding light to the other part of me which hasn't consciously tried to lose weight...its my personal rebellion.
i can be (literally) 100 pounds heavier than you and just as fast, just as graceful, just as precise and have just as much endurance as you. i can be heavier and still be beautiful.
working in the beauty industry is super interesting.
i am with 6 girls in my personal space all day. i interact with hundreds of other women who have issues with their appearance. no matter what: thin, big, tall, short, long hair, bald..no matter what, they have a need in them to change something about their appearance.
if i were thin, what else would i seek to change about myself? (that's rhetorical, of course)
anywhosies...while discussing the nature of my conversation with the lead servant, let's call her ls to wynsters, i told her i needed to think over my stance. she looked at me funny and i understand why. it was probably clear. i need to lose weight. i'm clearly obese (medically speaking). there are a bunch of reasons/way why the weight loss would be necessary and could be beneficial to my life...so, WHY think about it. the reasons i needed to are aforementioned.
so, i did what any woman my age would do...i installed an app on my phone to help me gauge where i am and see how much work i need.
noom (the app) said i need to consume 2090 calories per day, work out at least 3 times per week for an hour to lose about 2 pounds per week.
i was consuming 500 - 700 calories per day. most of those calories were bad according to noom...about 70% of those calories are bad...meaning high in caffeine and sugar.
i've been taking baby steps like.....eating more than 1 meal per day, cutting back on the pepsi and while i haven't been exercising (at all), the weight is starting to slide off. at work, i am on my feet all day, constantly moving...bending and running around the counter. a lot of people have noticed the weight loss which is cool and my work pants (i wear them like 3 out of 5 days) are super loose.
i'm not making a grand announcement but i am going to try and eat more (the good stuff). i'm still at 900 calories per day. in the morning, if i eat, my stomach gets ripped apart it feels like...
no bueno, man. no bueno.
but since i have lost the weight i have, standing on my feet is less horrible. my ankles and knees are in less pain and that's great. so, we'll see.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
know your role
(continuation from last night)
Inner Goddess: We have a new booyyyyyyyfriend.
Me: No we don't. We have a nice guy we're going to date. He's not our boyfriend.
Inner Goddess: *pouts*
I boarded the train and sat with all intention of writing a post about my date with DK.
Inner Goddess: *cabbage patches* We have a boyyyfriend. I said a boyyyyfriend.
Me: Shut up! How old are you anyway?
Inner Goddess: *hums* mmm mmm mmm a boyyyyyyyyyyfriend.
*man walks on train* *sits across from me*
Dude: Excuse me sista...can I talk to you? I hope its no bother.
Me: Its no bother.
Inner Goddess: No bother at all because YOU FINE!
He was at least 6 feet tall, dark-skinned, neatly dressed in jeans, gray cardigan with a white shirt underneath and clean white sneakers. His hair was a low fade and his goatee was neatly trimmed. What I kept staring at was his full juicy lips. They were the type of lips a girl like me (thin-lipped) could get lost in.
Dude:Do you have a man?
Inner Goddess: YES!
Me: No
Dude: You're too cute to be on this train by yourself this late.Where are you coming from?
Me: A date with this guy
Dude: Oh, is he special?
Inner Goddess: YES!
Me: Not sure yet. We'll see where it goes.
He then proceeds to tell me about his girlfriend of 17months who hates children because she's not able to have them and how she doesn't really like his son even though his son lives with him and his girl. He then proceeded to tell me about how he's trying to get out of that situation and he's looking for a friend. And can I be that friend? All my instincts said run but when he asked for my number, I gave it to him.
To prove to IG that DK is NOT my boyfriend. He is just someone I am currently dating.
that I happen to like.
Today, we had Bible Study and afterward, I told a girl my church about TN, the end of my celibacy, him taking advantage of me, the aftermath...how I felt so disconnected from God and how I didn't want that to happen again. I feel lust for DK and my natural instinct is to feed on that feeling - make it grow big and strong and then cut it up into juicy steaks and feast on it for days. (if you catch my drift)
She said a lot to me about the situation but the one thing that stuck out to me was something our pastor said to her:
"Do whatever you want. If you want to go to the club, drink, have sex...do it. God will forgive you but He will not use you. Do you want to be forgiven and live in whatever sin you feel like doing or do you want to be used by God?"
I'm so disrespectful...my first thought was "I want to do whatever I want and be forgiven." but that's not REALLY what I want. I thought about my dance and how I love to dance to glorify God and how heartbreaking it would be to dance to glorify God and to show others His love and magnificence and no one gets anything out of it. Worse, God says..."Oh yea, you're moving really pretty but I don't get anything out of it. No one feels anything."
So, I have a choice. DK wants me to go to his house tomorrow after work to chill and hang out. I know I usually fall into the trap where I want to have sex but that is ME.I initiate it (in all cases except for Blair and TN)... and so I can choose not to go to his house and figure out a date out that's cheap and fun or I can choose to go and trust myself. Talking to my friend, I told her this...
Me: I like being affectionate. I love to kiss and hug.Kissing and hugging leads to other things.
CP: Why do you feel the need to be affectionate?
Me: Because it makes me feel wanted when I am and they are back to me.
CP: That's a legitimate need. How did you fall into that pattern with your last relationship? You didn't just one day open your legs out the blue.
Me: Right. I let him touch me and then I let him see me naked and then I let him do oral and then he penetrated me and it was too far but it was also too late and he didn't stop.
DN (another friend): You need to be upfront about where you are and have control of your actions so he knows you're serious. If you feel like you're allowing yourself to go too far, stop.
CP: You guys should be group-dating. That'll take the pressure off.
Me: Yes but we don't have friends in common.
DN: You need to trust yourself. Stop and think instead of living in the moment and then regretting it once you're done. Its not worth it.
Me: Its not.
CP: Living the way we do - being celibate and living for Christ - it takes sacrifice. The things we sacrifice are the things we really like to do.
The conversation went on....
Inner Goddess: Why do you like sex?
Me: I don't really LIKE sex. I like foreplay. I like making men's bodies shudder. I like exploring and playing but the actual penetration bit means nothing to me.
Inner Goddess: So, why do you do it if you don't get much out of it?
Me: Most of the time with TN, I did it because he liked it. He never made me climax or anything but I compromised because I didn't want to lose him.
Inner Goddess: Sad.
Me: I know.
DN: Yea, don't be afraid of losing men because you're not ready or don't want to have sex. If they leave, let them leave because clearly their motives were all wrong.
Inner Goddess: Kindly leave my head. Please and thank you.
CP: Its true. Most women have sex to keep a relationship going when if you take that away, there's no real relationship.
DN: For me, it was..okay, you know I'm a Christian and I want to wait til marriage but if you see me compromise in this way...when the time comes, you will compromise for me.
CP: Yea but that never happens and then you feel like...you gave up something sacred for nothing.
DN: Yep and the last time I had sex, I got pregnant. Man oh Man! Having a child is no joke.
CP: So why - after all you've been through - would you go back and have sex with this man?
Inner Goddess: In hopes that it really will turn into him being our boyfriend.
Me: I don't know.
CP: {Pray on it. God will reveal it to you.
DN: Yes and you control you.
And there it goes folks...
Inner Goddess: We have a new booyyyyyyyfriend.
Me: No we don't. We have a nice guy we're going to date. He's not our boyfriend.
Inner Goddess: *pouts*
I boarded the train and sat with all intention of writing a post about my date with DK.
Inner Goddess: *cabbage patches* We have a boyyyfriend. I said a boyyyyfriend.
Me: Shut up! How old are you anyway?
Inner Goddess: *hums* mmm mmm mmm a boyyyyyyyyyyfriend.
*man walks on train* *sits across from me*
Dude: Excuse me sista...can I talk to you? I hope its no bother.
Me: Its no bother.
Inner Goddess: No bother at all because YOU FINE!
He was at least 6 feet tall, dark-skinned, neatly dressed in jeans, gray cardigan with a white shirt underneath and clean white sneakers. His hair was a low fade and his goatee was neatly trimmed. What I kept staring at was his full juicy lips. They were the type of lips a girl like me (thin-lipped) could get lost in.
Dude:Do you have a man?
Inner Goddess: YES!
Me: No
Dude: You're too cute to be on this train by yourself this late.Where are you coming from?
Me: A date with this guy
Dude: Oh, is he special?
Inner Goddess: YES!
Me: Not sure yet. We'll see where it goes.
He then proceeds to tell me about his girlfriend of 17months who hates children because she's not able to have them and how she doesn't really like his son even though his son lives with him and his girl. He then proceeded to tell me about how he's trying to get out of that situation and he's looking for a friend. And can I be that friend? All my instincts said run but when he asked for my number, I gave it to him.
To prove to IG that DK is NOT my boyfriend. He is just someone I am currently dating.
that I happen to like.
Today, we had Bible Study and afterward, I told a girl my church about TN, the end of my celibacy, him taking advantage of me, the aftermath...how I felt so disconnected from God and how I didn't want that to happen again. I feel lust for DK and my natural instinct is to feed on that feeling - make it grow big and strong and then cut it up into juicy steaks and feast on it for days. (if you catch my drift)
She said a lot to me about the situation but the one thing that stuck out to me was something our pastor said to her:
"Do whatever you want. If you want to go to the club, drink, have sex...do it. God will forgive you but He will not use you. Do you want to be forgiven and live in whatever sin you feel like doing or do you want to be used by God?"
I'm so disrespectful...my first thought was "I want to do whatever I want and be forgiven." but that's not REALLY what I want. I thought about my dance and how I love to dance to glorify God and how heartbreaking it would be to dance to glorify God and to show others His love and magnificence and no one gets anything out of it. Worse, God says..."Oh yea, you're moving really pretty but I don't get anything out of it. No one feels anything."
So, I have a choice. DK wants me to go to his house tomorrow after work to chill and hang out. I know I usually fall into the trap where I want to have sex but that is ME.I initiate it (in all cases except for Blair and TN)... and so I can choose not to go to his house and figure out a date out that's cheap and fun or I can choose to go and trust myself. Talking to my friend, I told her this...
Me: I like being affectionate. I love to kiss and hug.Kissing and hugging leads to other things.
CP: Why do you feel the need to be affectionate?
Me: Because it makes me feel wanted when I am and they are back to me.
CP: That's a legitimate need. How did you fall into that pattern with your last relationship? You didn't just one day open your legs out the blue.
Me: Right. I let him touch me and then I let him see me naked and then I let him do oral and then he penetrated me and it was too far but it was also too late and he didn't stop.
DN (another friend): You need to be upfront about where you are and have control of your actions so he knows you're serious. If you feel like you're allowing yourself to go too far, stop.
CP: You guys should be group-dating. That'll take the pressure off.
Me: Yes but we don't have friends in common.
DN: You need to trust yourself. Stop and think instead of living in the moment and then regretting it once you're done. Its not worth it.
Me: Its not.
CP: Living the way we do - being celibate and living for Christ - it takes sacrifice. The things we sacrifice are the things we really like to do.
The conversation went on....
Inner Goddess: Why do you like sex?
Me: I don't really LIKE sex. I like foreplay. I like making men's bodies shudder. I like exploring and playing but the actual penetration bit means nothing to me.
Inner Goddess: So, why do you do it if you don't get much out of it?
Me: Most of the time with TN, I did it because he liked it. He never made me climax or anything but I compromised because I didn't want to lose him.
Inner Goddess: Sad.
Me: I know.
DN: Yea, don't be afraid of losing men because you're not ready or don't want to have sex. If they leave, let them leave because clearly their motives were all wrong.
Inner Goddess: Kindly leave my head. Please and thank you.
CP: Its true. Most women have sex to keep a relationship going when if you take that away, there's no real relationship.
DN: For me, it was..okay, you know I'm a Christian and I want to wait til marriage but if you see me compromise in this way...when the time comes, you will compromise for me.
CP: Yea but that never happens and then you feel like...you gave up something sacred for nothing.
DN: Yep and the last time I had sex, I got pregnant. Man oh Man! Having a child is no joke.
CP: So why - after all you've been through - would you go back and have sex with this man?
Inner Goddess: In hopes that it really will turn into him being our boyfriend.
Me: I don't know.
CP: {Pray on it. God will reveal it to you.
DN: Yes and you control you.
And there it goes folks...
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