Halloween was scary bad....

I spent the day cleaning up and napping intermittently. I baked some
chicken and forgot about it. I was so exhausted all day. Later that day,
I decided to go to the village and hang for a bit. BAD MOVE. Basically,
I was forced onto the wrong side of 6Ave. My friends were on the left
hand side, I was on the right....I couldn't cross over because of the
damn parade. The train station was closed. I had to end up walking all
the way down to 23rd street to meet my friends. It was a big mess! At
the end of the night I was annoyed, headachey, and my joints hurt. A
beautiful night spoiled by crowds, drunk people, and horny men. Oh and
someone let off a stink bomb on the train. Great. Sometimes, I wish I
lived in a place less populated.

Work update:
The girl that was trying to take my promotion got fired. Management grew
tired of her persistent unreasonable demands.
A dispatcher walked out on the job. Maybe I should jump ship
too....hmmmmm.........

Monday morning blues....

More work drama....
I poked my head in on Saturday to see how well my trainees were doing.
The answer: not well. I ended up staying 3 hours helping out. I told my
supervisor who believes I should come in on Saturdays *without paying me
overtime* to help them......
They're trying to move me to the primary positiong in my department
while booting the incumbent out without telling him, or so he says.
Other meaningless gossip going on....I'm a supposed snitch. I'm
intimidating. Nina nina nina....is the problem all the way round. That's
bullshit.
Anywho...............................................
I'm trying to fight through the negativity today...but......its really
really really hard. I just really wanna be left alone. I would've called
out but I can't afford it, so I'll just be an hour late because getting
my ass out of the bed was so hard this morning.
I asked for weather I could wear a sweater in....and I got it....est
all!

Continuation

If you go down a few posts....I was going through some work drama.

Ok...so I got a half-assed promotion. They tried to take it away from
me. Monday, I was ready to quit. They kept pulling me to different
departments....frustration ensued. We had a meeting. They're trying to
give me Rick's job. Rick is primary in my department. I assist him. They
think he's been messing up and want to make me primary. I was really
conflicted about what to do because I like Rick. He's unorganized but
he's a good guy. They made it seem like they're forcing him out of the
position either way. So, I thought it would be best if I did it on my
terms. I told them my schedule requirements and such. They assured me I
would get a pay raise and get Sunday/Monday off or Fri/Sat.
I'm trying to train 3 people to help out on the weekends. They are not
progressing the way I'd like them to. I don't know if its me...my
training style or if its the environment. I'm not sure what to do to
make it better.

The thing that pissed me off today was....
I came in today because I knew that they would need help. I prevented a
huge disaster. I told the manager. We both knew the inevitable, I have
to work on Saturdays, which means I have to work 6 days a week.
But....instead of giving me an alternate day off or some type of
anything...they're taking 4 hours from another day and making me work on
Saturday. Idk what's going to happen. My pockets aren't any fatter. My
supervisor made a comment that I was ready to go (after she picked that
time to train) that I shouldn't be in a hurry to leave. That she knows I
want to go do something social, but to make sure my trainees know what
they learned. Hunh? She's always pointing out that I want to do
something social after work...well yea and is that a crime?

I'm stressed over a job for no good reason other than I can't pay
Cablevision with a smile and a wink.

HIV

Being associated closely with the ballrooom scene, I face HIV closely as
well. Several of my friends have the disease. But, now that this is
behind me, I can share. I had a scare.

I was dating a man who had too much of a curiosity when it came to the
ballroom scene. He was gorgeous. He oozed sex. He kissed me within the
first 2 hours of meeting me. Aggressive, he was the type of man that
could throw me against the wall and kiss me. After 6 hours of meeting
me, he declared me goddess and proposed. But, there were things about
him that had me questioning. He never wanted to meet my close friends.
He'd accuse me of getting numbers and flirting with men. He'd not show
up for dates saying he got lost. He knew my routine too well. He
wouldn't "finish" when we had sex, which from my experience meant he'd
bene having a lot of sex or he wasn't interested. We would have all day
sex-a-thons but he wouldn't "finish"...what? I became skittish. I didn't
know what to do. Then I got the phone call. A is sleeping with B. B is a
male to female transexual who has HIV. She found out about you and she's
trying to give him the virus. They had a 3-some with a woman. They did
coke together. They had a fight and he burst all the windows in her
house and he tasered her till she couldn't move.
My world fell down. I got checked. But, you have to allow your body to
generate the antibodies to fight it off and that's how the test picks up
the virus. I broke up with him, citing I didn't have time for a
relationship. He came to my house, rang the bell like crazy, banged on
my door. I refused to answer. He called me 20 times, I refused to
answer. He threatened to use his taser on me. He came to my house again.
He made a scene. I looked over my shoulder everywhere I went. I waited
the requisite 3 months when it was time to take the test. I froze. I
waited another month. I froze. I waited anothe rmonth. I forced myself
to take the test. Negative. A heavy load lifted, but I was paranoid. I
got every test. Nothing. If there was a weird anything, it was checked.
I was nervous when sleeping with Afroman. I went to a function at GMHC
(Gay Men's Health Crisis). There was free testing. A friend encouraged
it. I got tested for HIV. I was nervous. No one wants the test to come
back positive. Of course I prepared myself for a positive result. I
waited 25 minutes for my fate t be announced. Negative. I walked into
the function. The first person I run into is B. I was speechless. Livid.
We didn't speak. I didn't acknowledge her presence. After the function,
I had a conversation that helped me relaease the anger. She literally
has no morals. She believes her life is over. She wants to ruin other
lives. Maybe she missed out on a few hugs. Transexuals are often treated
as sex objects. Often times, they are abused, shunned at a young age and
made to feel subhuman. Whatever her situation is, I realize that I can
not harvest any anger within myself towards her anymore. God will judge
her accordingly. I'm glad that I've evaded something that is definitely
life-changing. I'm glad I am the person I am. I feel sorry for her and
the downward path she's walking. I wish her all the best.
As for the scars A has left. What he did was irreprehensible. He placed
me at risk, but more importantly himself. He is broken, at any rate. His
ex girlfriend cut him up and got him arrested for abuse. He said I was
who he was looking for. I have no idea how he disarmed me. Maybe I was
lonely. Maybe he had a good game. I'm still trying to wrap my head
around it all. That's my story. Hopefully, it touches someone out there.
I guess this is my Public Service Announcement...
Be careful! Always protect urself...because you never ever know......who
your partner sleeps with, so are you. Love you all!

Hey, I'm kinda cute.....

I woke up this morning determined to be transformed. I went to he beauty
shop at 10. Got into the chair at 1. Got out at 3:30.

I look ovah! Hahahaha!

We're all allowed to have a conceited day and this is mine....it might
be turned into a week...stay tuned.

Welll......

I've been such a mix of emotions that for me to put them in words has
been such a feat that I've decided to keep them to myself.

Lets see...what's been going on......
Friday, I felt like shit the better part of the day. I woke up hopeful
and happy but then my mood changed when I got to work. Its like that
place is poison.
To top it off Former Gay Best Friend hit me on yahoo instant msg. saying
he wants to make amends. I asked why the sudden change of heart. He said
he'd been going through it with his mom and he wanted to re-evaluate.
Because of my pissy disposition, I spoke freely. I told him I wanted to
talk to him about how I was feeling but he wasn't ready. He needs to be
willing to face the ugliness of what happened between us in order to
move on. He made it seemed like he was willing to do that. He said he
would hang out with me more and call me more.
Everything ended well when I went to BBQ's with Gi, LP, Mr.J, and T.
Once again Mr.J had me twisted off the syzurp. My eyes were crossed and
I was trying to make sense. I guess I did a good job based off
conversations since then.

I started painting my living room on Saturday. Its a wine color which is
intense and beautiful, but since my walls were stark white and I didn't
use a primer, you can see every brushstroke. So, I have 2
options.....prime over it and do it again or get a darker color and
paint over it.......but my love for the color and my
stubborness....might have me starting from scratch. We'll see.....its
just really ambitious - this whole project...*sigh*
Saturday was actually a good day. I was on my wat to the grocery store
when my mom stopped me and said she was going we can go together. She
ended up paying for half of my groceries which was cool, unexpected, and
very much appreciated.

Sunday was another one of those days. I had to train my replacement but
it was like training a child. Repeating myself over and over. I was
frustrated. At the end of my shift, Gi and LP asked me to meet them at
Maracas. I happily obliged but my This-is-a-shitty-Sunday attire
wouldn't cut it. I walked down to OldNavy and bought a dress for 7
bucks! Needless to say the day turned around.

Monday blah blah blah...
I realized maybe I shouldn't stick it out at my job. My supervisor added
yet another duty, but hasn't added any much needed dollars. That place
is laced with so much paranoia, gossip, jealousy, and backstabbing. I'm
finally opening my eyes to it. For example.: I got a half-assed
promotion to another department. I now work in accounting Mondays and
Tuesdays and am in customer service the remaining 3 days. It got back to
me that the woman that sits next to me was upset that I got the position
(that no one else asked about filling) instead of her (which she did not
apply for). She's a royal pain in the ass and customer service doesn't
want to deal with her.

To be continued

Stick me in a lab and study me

Because I am the biggest loser on Earth!

Did I not learn from the whole Afroman saga that the past should stay in the past? The one that got away should stay away and not to try to rekindle anything, because I might be thinking with my vah-jay-jay.

Now, its 12midnight. I have work in 8 hrs and I'm up writing in this blog.

Brother Wise called me back tonight. We spoke for 2 hours about everything. We hung up at around 11. I called back at 11:45.

"Hi, I couldn't sleep."

*sounds like I roused him from his sleep*

"where you sleeping? I'm sorry"

"No, its ok. What's wrong?"

"I haven't called you like I should've or spoken to you in a while"

"Its ok fam. You have a life. I understand."

"No, its becaus I like you. I have deeper feelings for you and I know we're both at a point in our lives where this won't work but I had to say it."

****silence****

***awkward laugh from me****

"Ok, goodnite"

*he sounds confused*

I hang up before I embarassed myself anymore.

WTF?

I'm an idiot.

[Funny thing is, I tried to link posts from the Afroman saga series but, I can't find one or 2 to sum us up]

Basically, we were this .
Then this.
Then this.
Then this.
Now this.

Curiosity killed the cat. She came back and in her 8th life, became curious again.

Wow

This morning has been weird. I woke up before my alarm sounded, after
getting some sleep last night. If that wasn't weird enough, I left the
house early. I heard on the news there was an accident on Utica and
Fulton. I didn't think much of it, but as I walked down the street to
the train station, ther was a body on the ground, a van looked like it
ran a pole and hit a person on a bike. The van's front was completely
smushed, the pole was uprooted from the ground. It must've been a do not
walk sign because all the other signs were blinking. It was horrific. I
guess that shaped my morning

I have Kelly Clarkson's 'Addicted' on repeat on my ipod. It brings up
old memories of Afroman. I don't know what's up with Wise. I hope he's
ok. His phone keeps ringing, but his mailbox is full. Maybe that ship
has sailed for us.

I'm planning on perming my hair on Wednesday. I'm excited about it, but
when I see a woman with natural hair, I feel guilty. Women with natural
hair are like a not-so-secret society. There are not a lot of us. You're
not sure how a man will react to you. People have a tendency to treat
you a certain way when you have natural hair. They call you 'sista' a
lot....its weird. We all give each other knowing looks.

Geez...

Ever since the neighbor's gotten a little..ummm...lighter, you can't throw a rock without hitting a cop. Heightened police presence does not comfort me. One bit. Because cops have a tendency of being that one teacher in school who sent everyone to detention for no damn reason. Anywho, prime example. Tonight, as I was waiting for the bus (yea, I know) a young black man was upset and assaulting a pay phone (yea I know). Before I knew it, there was one cop...then a car with 2 cops, then 2 more walked up. The brother was upset over something. But, did no one take sensitivity training to calm him down and tell him to keep itmovin?5 cops? Really! Dang....

2nd Chances?

Ladies and Gents,

Jake has some competition for my affection.

Ok, not really like anyone was jousting for my hand or anything....but, I have welcomed the return of Brother Wise.

Brief History:
Brother Wise is from Rhode Island, but lives in Hartford, where I went to college. He is not your typical guy you meet and fall in love with, rather he is the guy that makes love to your mind so well, you can't wait to see what he does with your body.
We almost slept together, but with no condom and no certainty of each other's pasts, we literally fell asleep together. Rather, I fell asleep as he watched me (!!) all night. After that, he got weird (which made me happy we didn't sleep together) and he said it was because I am the same age as his little brother (who only dates white women, go figure) and I should date him. It took me a lot to forgive him for being such an ass, find out who the true Brother Wise is, and ultimately fall for him in a way where I've ignored his calls for the past 2 months. We've been close until I realize I like him. A lot. I think we could be good together. But, part of me is skeptical because rekindling old flames, usually leaves me in a pile of ashes. Or maybe I'm just stuck on the "what can he do to my body" part. [Lawd knows, its been a while].

Present Day:
Wise called and said he was on his way from Hartford to the city and wanted to hook up. He was coming in town because an artist that he works with was having an album release party. I actually called back [eureka!] and told him sure. He could crash the Ladies Night I was having with Gi and BFF at Eugene's [thank God we were at a straight club, ;=)]. Long story short...his company took him to Jersey City where I didn't know how to give directions to Brooklyn.

I made him promise to come see me next week. Which, he said he would.

I was baffled. All I had to do was ask him to come to NYC and he said yes? Wow.

So, should I invite him to cuddle or just take him to a museum or something and wish him a good drive home?
Will he even show up?
Should I rekindle what didn't have a chance to form into a true flame or leave it as us just being friends?
Will curiousity finally kill the cat?

Stay tuned....

Girl Date!

Gi and I went downtown to get her a cute dress from American Apparel. We made our way to our fave haunt not too far away and had an amazing conversation. We talked about her absentee father, my absentee everyone. We discussed love and her overprotective mom. It was great. I only got 3 hours of sleep last night -between the depression and caffeine.I love my friends. They truly are my fam.

I'm still infatuated with Jake. I don't like the person I am sometimes around him. In person, I'm sassy and cutesy. On the phone, I'm witty and clever. Mostly....via email...*haha* I'm needy. I need a hug. I need support. I'm trying to substitute him for something and we all know its gonna end badly.Tomorrow....me and the usual girl crew + some others are hitting up Eugene's...a straight club [on Friday nights]. Maybe we'll meet someone worth a date or two....or at least someone worth taking home [wink]. I'm excited to be in the presence of men who are attracted to me - not as a Barbie or a project...but you know.....

Wish me luck :)

Dear BestFriend,

I wish you would listen. Just sit quietly and listen to me moan and groan.
I wish you would let me cry and let the teardrops cascade down my face and pool at my chin and stain my shirt.

Because I am stoic in nature and the breakdown that happens once in a blue is beautiful. Because I never let myself be broken. Because I listen and listen and listen some more, patiently.

There is this bubble in my chest and I need to burst it.
Let me hold the pin prick.

I wish there were arms that would hold me.
I wish for my daddy. I wish for my mama. I wish for siblings who are estranged and for more friends like you. I wish for relics of days past that will never be here ever again.

I wish I could sleep at night.
More importantly, I wish that "Naima" wasn't my only friend tonight and that she is the only one who will let me sing my blues - my worries - in peace without calculating a budget or giving me advice or anything.

But, tonight, I will let a few tears fall. I will not see through my dark clouds.
And tomorrow, I will wear a little concealer and royal purple. I will hold my head high and perpetrate invincibility.

And all will believe it.
Even you.

In the Face of Defeat

"When you move back home, you're moving into the smaller bedroom."

This is what the stepmother said to me today.

I am struggling and it shows. I really really need to get a second job in order to live any type of decent lifestyle. I feel like a vagabond.
I am really trying hard to keep it all afloat and give that carefree, easy breezy demeanor which seems to be working until you get close to the Monet and you see all the paintstrokes.

It really hurts me that she would say that to me. But, then again, I don't look to her for empowerment.

On days like this, when I blast John Coltraine's "Naima" over and over to make myself feel better, I wish I could.

I wish I could.

How Typical!

I am infatuated with an older man who is bi-sexual. I will call him Jake. He is sexy, intelligent, sarcastic, quick-witted, and everything that I want in a man. [Except for the he sleeps with
other men thing]I know bi-sexual doesn't mean gay. But, my experience with gay men states that bi-sexual is a masked term for gay. Its kinda the same thing to most people if you're a man. If you're a woman, its sexy to sleep with other women...therefore no problem. If you're a man, sleeping with other men and women is seen as a health risk and causes a whole host of problems.

Talking to Jake after a long day is heart-warming. He makes me laugh. He makes fun of me. He's someone I can talk to about anything. He's a gentleman. I don't think about him sexually, but I do think about what it would be like to date him, to hang out with him on a one-on-one level.I guess this is an occupational hazard of being a "hag." I know there is no future. I know there is no reason for me to even wonder about him. He is totally unattainable. He is an enigma - someone you would know for years and still not know. Yet, those are the reasons I am drawn to him.

Hopefully, it will pass. After 3 years of being in the ballroom scene, I have had my crushes on a few of the men I've encountered. Some of my best friendships are with men that if they were straight, would surely be in serious trouble. One was almost taken to that other level. He ooozed sex. Everytime I was around him, my face was hot. My blood was pumping. He was another who was bi-sexual. He has a reputation for fucking anything. But, being in his presence, made me forget about his reputation. When he hugged me, I felt like undressing. I've been attracted to only 2 other people like that before. It is a powerful thing. Looking back on it, as I see this person at balls with their male lover, I am glad I did not take it to that next level. As I know the same would be with this man.

But I do enjoy his conversation.I do love it when he takes my hand and walks me through the crowd. I feel beautiful when he talks to me. He makes me feel safe when he's around.

All I can say is, Man I need a boyfriend!

Back Up - She's Ovulating!

My hormones are going crazy. I was [especially] bitchy all week even though I doubt anyone noticed a difference. And today, on my way to get breakfast, I saw scores of people participating in the Breast Cancer Walk and I got choked up. I literally had to hold back the tears. Wtf?

I gained the sick weight back...cause I'm a winner!

The ball is tonight. I haven't had more than 3 hours a night. So, this should be ummm...interesting. My dresses to wear to the ball and to compete in make me feel like a pretty princess so that helps....even if I fall a sleep halfway through.

Sometimes, NYC is really just too damn much to stomach.
6am. I'm on the train to work. I look up and the guy across me is jerking off staring at me. I'm like...wait...I'm not seeing what I'm seeing, right? right! WRONG!

It was disgusting and a very traumatic way to start the day. Yuck

Promising

This morning was very promising. After 2 hours of sleep, I woke up an hour late. Left the house with my shirt on backwards, and my "waterproof mascara" ran by the time I got to work.

I will not be an angry black woman today

I will be sweet and kind and courteous and totally totally mellow.


:)



I hear echoes of smug "Good Lucks" but...I don't care.


Hmph!

It is Finished!

The outline for my mini-novel. It will be a compilation of short stories that have the same theme (trying not to give it away). I'm so excited. I'm thinking of coverart and all sorts of things. I'm about 3 pages away from finishing the story which I have to write because both hands are hurting - carpal tunnel - ouch.

What else has been going on????

Its weird, I dreamt my skin was irritated and breaking out. I guess its because the ball is on Saturday and I'm nervous about competing.

I spent 5 hours waiting on a plumber to fix my bathtub that's been stopped up for like 2 weeks, for him to come and do 5 minutes of work. BUT, I don't have to go through the process of gathering my stuff, taking it downstairs to my mom's house, showering, bringing it upstairs....blah blah blah..I appreciate the simple things...


That's all folks...