Today is the Day!

I pick myself up and live again.
I've allowed myself 17 days of sickness, depression, fear and every destructive emotion there is. Today is when it ends. I can't wallow in whatever it is I'm wallowing in and destroy this life I built.

Today, I reclaim who I am.

fight or flight

today...
i woke up at 7am feeling really great. i wasn't coughing. i sent out a few emails, tweeted, read a couple of blogs. around 10am, i started coughing. fine. doctor's orders...go to the ER. i procrastinated....got to the hospital at 12. at 4:45, i walked out of there...chest xray clear with the doctor's explanation that it could be a virus or the common cold or allergies. she prescribed me cough syrup with codeine. i was pissed. i spent the day in the ER with loud people, crying babies and stinky people to be told...oh...we're not sure what's wrong with you...oh and she said...a virus or a cold could last up to 4-5 weeks...

fuuuuuuuuck.

and so i go to my mom's house because i need cable and my favorite purple comforter. she comes home. she asks me what happened..i tell her 1/2 of what the doctor said before she walks away mid-sentence.

later, she's like...your brother wants us to come down for thanksgiving. i say fine. she says...i guess i'll scrape the money to get the car fixed to drive down. the next sentence is...his insurance company offered him a settlement of $10,000 (from his recent car accident) and i told him not to take it...he needs to hold out for more money.

that explains the sudden interest in my brother.

an hour later, my stomach is imploding...i ask her if she has anything to eat. she doesn't. i ask if she wants chinese..."do you have money?" yes. "are you paying for everybody?" i look around and its just me and her. i say..."if you mean, the two of us...sure."

as we drive 2 blocks over to the chinese place, i say..."your air freshener is killing me." i say this coughing between every word. she says, "well its my air freshener for my house and it sprays every 30 minutes so if you don't like it..." she catches herself. i'm pissed. i try and leave the car while its still moving. i ask what she wants...i get the food. get back to her place, grab my shit as fast as possible and leave.

i was going to leave without saying anything. she catches me as i reach the door. "you leaving?" "yup" i don't look back.

i really think about it. my brother does NOTHING. in the past 11 years since my dad has been gone, he's not given us a dime to help us out, he has sent no birthday/christmas cards or gifts. yet and still...last week when he got into the accident, she says...maybe i'll try and get down there to nurse him back to health.

i live literally upstairs...i've been sick for 2 weeks...i haven't gotten a hug, a cup of tea or a bowl of soup.

i understand.

this is why i harden myself. i've let this sickness make me soft. so, i will harden myself again. the only thing going through my head was..get the fuck out. i am going to pull myself up by my chin..nurse myself back to better health than i was in before, get a job, save money and get the fuck out of here. as soon as i can, i'm going to just buy a ticket some place and work it out.

i can't do this. i can't live like this.

i'm going to forge a life somewhere else and create my own family. i'm sick of always feeling like the people who should be closest to me don't give a shit about me.

i guess at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter.

Purge

Since I haven't found a therapist that I can afford yet...this blog will just have to do.

Thinking about why I'm so guarded. I watched a radio interview with Ryan Seacrest and 9 year old Willow Smith. Ryan asked her how she stays so poised under all the pressure and she said.."My mom told me to always say how I'm feeling."

That was so new to me. Growing up, my parents ruled with such an iron fist that feelings were non-existent. As I got older, I tried to voice how I felt but was always overruled without a second thought. My mom and her feelings took up a lot of space in the house. Everyone just wanted to make her happy.

My dad got sick when I was 9. That was the end of my childhood. My brother took off shortly after and it was just me...during summer vacations when other kids played, I took care of my dad...making him lunch, making sure his insulin was fine, making sure he had his pills...he called me his little nurse. No one asked me how I felt about anything. My mom has always burdened me with things kids shouldn't know...what bill is due, what bill is past due, money problems...I took those problems on myself.

I acted out. When I was 12, I stole maybe $1000 from my dad's bank account. I used the money to go to the mall and buy stuff from Claire's to make my room cool. My dad cried when he found out. My mom yelled. They wanted to know why. I didn't know why. I guess I just wanted them to notice me.
I skipped a grade and went into high school at 13. Each incoming freshman had to take summer school so that they could become familiar with their surroundings. I became familiar with a guy who was going to be a senior. 2 weeks after knowing him, I lost my virginity. He didn't know I was a virgin. I didn't care. I just knew that my parents kept telling me to stay a virgin and I don't know...I just didn't want to. Afterwards, his brother tried to get me to give him a blow job. The stupid boy and his cousin called my house asking me if it was true I just gave up my virginity like that and if I wanted to have sex again. Before I could answer, my dad took the phone from me and asked why boys were calling his 13 year old daughter and to leave me alone. Both parents lectured me about boys...meaning they weren't allowed- period. My brother voluntarily went into a group home to escape them. I understood why.

I found out my dad died from church people calling the house to give their condolences while I was doing homework. My mom's cousin called and I corrected her and she was like no, I thought he died today. I called my mom who told me my grandma had something to tell me. I called my grandmother who told me to go to her house. She had known but hadn't found the right way to tell me. By the time I got home, my mom and her coworker were at home. She admonished me for running home. I needed to get out of my grandmother's house. She hugged me and then I went riding around Brooklyn with her coworker to get us some food and pick up her kids.

I didn't really have friends. I was a month into my freshman year in high school. I didn't cry. No one asked me how I felt. No one really called and talked to me unless they were kids of my mom's friends.

The day of my dad's funeral, I was made to wear an ugly skirt suit. My mom wore a silver and black skirt suit with a big silver hat. The ceremony was in our church although dad never set foot in a church the entire time I was alive. Mom praised God. She was such a spectacle. I was made to say words although I begged not to say anything. I bombed, freezing when I saw my dad in the casket.

Things were estranged when we all came home. Mom kicked out my sister from Bermuda out of "her" house...the house my dad built from the ground up with his bare hands because she had a beer. My sisters left me without a real goodbye. They were hurt.

Everyone was a stranger to me. Mom cried. I consoled her. I didn't cry. I was tough. She noticed that I hadn't shown any emotion and praised me, made jokes about it, made comments...never got me counseling. My siblings scattered. No one really called. I focused on school and soccer. I was in the honors program, made good grades, stayed out of trouble and no one questioned anything.

I imploded within myself...I was in pain. My dad, my only real friend died. I was in a new environment. I wasn't cool or cute or stylish. I vowed to myself...I wouldn't make it past 17. Those were the first times I taught myself not to feel emotion. After a while, it just became part of who I am and its something I struggle with now.
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More Thoughts

I worry about what will happen to my blog if you know...I kick the bucket.

I worry about the people I will leave behind.

I worry if I've shown everyone enough love.

I worry about what will be left behind of my life.

I worry about being alone.

I worry about them reading the blog and seeing my unadulterated thoughts about them. Sometimes I can be harsh. Even harsh, I love everyone I've written about fiercely. I wish they all would do better.

I wish I could sometimes curl in bed with my mom and have her hold me. I wish I didn't have to do most things alone. I wish my back wasn't so strong.

I wish my sisters were around when I was growing up. I was such a lonely kid. I didn't have any real friends til high school. My friendship with junior high best friend was based on...nothing in the end.

I miss my dad every day. I imagine him strong and protective. I miss the sound of his voice. I no longer remember what it sounds like.

I have to rebuild myself. I can. I will.
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Thoughts

I took the medication about an hour ago and now its beginning to work...meaning, I'm light-headed, my stomach is beginning to shred, my throat is on fire from coughing so much....and I'm feeling reflective.

(This may be a long one)

Being sick for so long has taught me the meaning of friendship. Some people are incapable of certain types of friendship. BFF is a nurturer. She will make me tea, she will force-feed me...she will make me go to the doctor. J is not a nurturer. He's incapable of dealing with major issues. He shuts down. I was coughing so bad, I couldn't talk the other day over the phone because he insists on calling me although I told him my cough is aggravated by talking. What does he do? He mocks my cough. Twin is in-between. He feels helpless but he'll pay for stuff for me. Ask if I'm okay. I feel his love. My mom is not my friend. She should be but she never has been and I shouldn't expect it although she expects it of me. I've been to every doctor visit she's told me about. I've brought her stuff when she's sick. I'm there. I'm just playing my part.

I want my man to be my friend.

TN called me twice today. I'm not impressed with his "effort" nor did I really want him to come in with guns blazing trying to woo me back.

Last night, I youtubed Jill Scott singing "Slowly Surely" live and oh my gosh....if you've never heard the song...youtube the studio version and then the live. In this concert, at the end of the song she points to her head and sings Listen. She points to her heart and sings Listen. She points to her vagina and sings Listen. It was the most poignant thing for me.

If I'd have listened to either of those 3 things, I would have left TN alone after the 3rd date. I was clouded. By what? I'll get back to you.

All day I've been saying to myself, "He's not even remotely the man you want or need. He doesn't want to be but he doesn't want to lose you. Not because he cares but because he wants you in his harem. He's not worth that. You're worth more. Be better than this situation."

Enough about that.
I knew I'd lost some weight when the jeans I bought 2 weeks ago and had to squeeze into went on without a hitch. I met up with Twin and the 1st thing he said was..."Omg, you lost so much weight. Is it safe to hug you?"
He and I went book-shopping at Barnes and Noble in Union Square. I researched books I wanted to read thinking the Af-American fiction would be separate. It wasn't and I couldn't find the books I wanted. So, I aimlessly searched for a book and ended up with this Haruki Murakami. I'm a little annoyed because the description on the back of the book praised the writer more than telling the reader what the eff its about. I remember his debut novel had great reviews and they take place in Japan so I figured, why not? If its bad, I'm going to rip it to shreds in my review. Afterward, Twin and I got food at McDonald's and then walked 4 blocks to a dvd spot, perused the aisles and I felt like my muscles were waking up. We walked (very slowly) 3 long blocks to the train and by then the McD's needed to come out. Took the train to downtown BK. Waited for the bus and took my medicine just as the bus came. Its a 45 minute ride home. 15 minutes in, I started coughing so bad, the person sitting in front of me changed seats. By the time I got off the bus, I kept telling myself...just get home, Nina...just get home. I don't know if I felt weak...I just felt like I'd pushed it. I felt fine - just a little tired - until I took the damn antibiotic! Waiting for tomorrow. The moment I start coughing, I'm going to the ER. I've kind of accepted that's what's going to happen. I would be very surprised if I woke up all better but y'know my sisters are praying for me...their church is praying for me...you never know.
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...and then it hit me

i re-read the last post, specifically my feelings for tn and i really really sound pathetic. why pine for some who date-raped you? something has got to be missing inside of me. i need to figure out what that is and fill that void asap.

monday, he sent me that fb message:
I apologize for the way things are going between us, it is not that it is my wish

I responded with:
You apologize for the way things went but not how you treated me.

He never said anything back. He called me 2 days later....today, I made up my mind...this situation I'm in is kind of serious. Every aspect of my life has kind of shut down. I'm really going to have to rebuild everything...my body, my spirit, my self-esteem, my business...everything. I wrote him just a few minutes ago:

You are a very funny person, as you like to say.I could've handled the truth if you'd told me that all you wanted from me was sex. I would have respected you. You won't apologize for the way you treated me because you probably don't think you're wrong. I should have listened to you when you said so many times...you don't like anyone, you don't miss anyone. You have no idea what you see in me.The truth is...you are a coward. You said whatever you said and then cleaned it up. You are too frightened to say what you mean and mean what you say, plain and simple. You are too scared to open up even just enough so that I could see there was a persn in there. I learned my lesson. I'm letting you go.

I lingered over the "Remove from Friends" button for a few minutes and let my eyes well up and then I sucked it up and clicked it and his business partner too. I need to let go. I need to claw my way back to happy.

fight fight fight!

it has been 15 days and i'm still sick.
the doctors don't have a clue what's wrong with me....my blood tests came back normal on my kidneys, sugar and blood count...THANK GOD!
the azithromycin they gave me makes me light-headed...
my apartment looks like a crack den but every attempt at cleaning makes me dizzy.
i'm getting scared now.

the thought, "they'll find out what's wrong with you in autopsy" popped in my head and it keeps going on and on like a looped record.

friday, the doctor told me that if i'm still coughing on Monday, to go to the ER and ask them to take a chest xray for me. part of me wants to go to the ER now.

the worst part of this is being alone all the time. mom is in dc burying a cousin. the only other person's house i can sleep at is bff's. sometimes, its overwhelming to be there and i don't want to be a burden on anyone.

i've been trying to look forward to something...in 5 months, i'll be 25 (God-willing) and I'm thinking about spending the weekend at my favorite hotel, The Gansevoort, heels, hair, the works...

right now, i'm having slight chest pain that feels like its going straight to my back. i'm thinking about how do i get to the hospital just in case bff can't take me. when she's asleep, she's asleep. i'm thinking about how tacky my dad's funeral was and how i don't want my funeral to be like that at all. all in all, i try and drive these thoughts away as much as i can and i think about makeup, how i would write some book reviews i need to do...

and of course, thoughts go to the nigerian....wondering if he would've been nice to me...probably not. those thoughts are nice..sleeping in his bed while he brings me tea and holds me at night...knowing that situation, he probably wouldn't let me alone and would just force my sick self to have sex with him....

the truth is...i'm so lonely.