I had 2 crazy dreams last night but I can only remember one.
I dreamt I was working as a journalist for my college's newspaper (this is true) but I was at a different school in New England than the one I went to and a famous basketball player was there playing for the team. He looked like Carmello Anthony but I kept calling him Dwayne Wade. Anyway, me and Dwayne were mad cool and I kept messing with him. I kicked him and ran away. He caught me (of course) and pulled my wig off in front of the whole school. I sat in a corner and put my wig back on, walked out and gave him the evil eye. As I came home to my apartment now...I went to sleep but I knew I was pregnant. I was only about 4 months. All of a sudden, I felt slight pain and discomfort. I looked under the sheets...there was a little blood but I gave birth to the baby who looked slightly bigger than a regular infant. I wrapped it up and held it close to me and started talking to it. A few days later in the dream, the baby started talking and walking but it was normal to me although I knew it was a bad sign. The baby started trying to kill me. We were fighting. Part of me felt like I had to kill the child...the other part didn't want to...
So, I chased it out of the house. It broke a glass and threw it in my face. I choked it and said..."Please stop. I don't want to kill you." then it ran away....
Other snippet of another dream was I was grown with kids and a car and I was taking my pastor's kids on a road-trip with my kids...but my pastor's son (who is 2 now) was a pre-teen and his daughters who are 14 and 11 were the same age. I saw glimpses of my kids who might be anywhere from maybe 8/9 to 11/12. I had two..one of them was a boy.
Why all the children dreams??? Why have a baby at 4 months and then have it try and kill me?
Saturday, October 30, 2010
brown baby
i had a dream this morning that i was having a photo shoot in my homewith this beautiful brown baby boy. he had long natural hair down his back that he liked to put in his face and smile with this grin that was missing a tooth in the front. i, myself had l0ng natural hair down my back as well that was luscious and thick. i tickled his feet, his neck, his stomach trying to make him laugh but he was very serious in front of the camera. we took a break and i held him in my arms and i smiled at him and i said, terrence, i can't wait til your father gets home. the view shifted and i was a giant fly on the wall looking at myself. i was happy.
such a weird dream, especially because my hair is an inch long right now. i've never wanted a baby really and if i did, i was sure i wanted a girl. also it felt like his father's name was terrence too. who the heck is terrence?? i only know 2...one is very light-skinned and i'm sure if we had a child together, the child probably wouldn't come out to being my complexion (or it could...black genes are weird sometimes) and the other is my cousin. i didn't feel like i know this terrence yet. the child resembled this little boy named titus i knew growing up. he was a gorgeous little boy who is now 16 years old and is a gorgeous young man...but the little boy in my dream looked like titus but like me too...with his small slanted eyes, small nose and full lips.
i could take the dream figuratively, where baby terrence is my business flourishing but when i woke up, i chose to take it literally...wondering about this man terrence who would bring me a baby terrence and a happy home where photo shoots are involved and everyone is brown and beautiful. it would make sense that in my home, photo shoots would happen, right? lol. i woke up warm and fuzzy and a little hopeful...if not for the baby then for my HAIR!!!
such a weird dream, especially because my hair is an inch long right now. i've never wanted a baby really and if i did, i was sure i wanted a girl. also it felt like his father's name was terrence too. who the heck is terrence?? i only know 2...one is very light-skinned and i'm sure if we had a child together, the child probably wouldn't come out to being my complexion (or it could...black genes are weird sometimes) and the other is my cousin. i didn't feel like i know this terrence yet. the child resembled this little boy named titus i knew growing up. he was a gorgeous little boy who is now 16 years old and is a gorgeous young man...but the little boy in my dream looked like titus but like me too...with his small slanted eyes, small nose and full lips.
i could take the dream figuratively, where baby terrence is my business flourishing but when i woke up, i chose to take it literally...wondering about this man terrence who would bring me a baby terrence and a happy home where photo shoots are involved and everyone is brown and beautiful. it would make sense that in my home, photo shoots would happen, right? lol. i woke up warm and fuzzy and a little hopeful...if not for the baby then for my HAIR!!!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
what am i supposed to do?
i generally don't have feelings of despair or inadequacy or anything like that. most days, i putz around doing what i do, mainly feeling overwhelmed because of the many things that are on my plate.
and then i talk to my mother.
mostly, its on accident or out of bare necessity.
like today, my new intern was scheduled to work. i needed an extra computer. i didn't want to just take her computer without asking. boom! bare necessity.
when we're over the phone, she makes me feel bad about how i'm not doing a great job of taking care of my grandmother. today, she hung up on me because i wanted to bring her home and take care of her business next week instead of this week. THIS from someone who can't find time to even visit her! are you fucking kidding me? before that, she asked me about my business..."are you making any money???" - truthfully, no. not enough to support me. "i can't believe you can't find a job...with all your job history and qualifications."
i can't believe i can't find a job either.
and i apply to about 20 per day. granted, i did skip a few days this week. so, tonight, i decided to make up for lost days and apply for as many jobs as possible. the past 3 hours, i've applied for 35 jobs with a desperation that i've never felt before. with tears in my eyes...i looked for a job. my phone was on silent. my eyes glued to monster and craigslist because i NEED a job like i NEED oxygen.
because i NEED to get the fuck out of here!
i feel like she takes pleasure in beating up on me at every single turn. those questions are logical for any mother to ask but maybe...i don't know...i need someone to treat me gently sometimes.honestly, i don't know what to say...does she want me to break down? does she want me to admit i'm making a mess of my life? one day without prodding, without an audience, without anything...i just want her to be like..."you've been through some amazing trials and you haven't killed yourself. good job." - maybe not in those words but something along that sentiment. or maybe something like.. "i support you." something simple. and i want her to mean it.
maybe i ask for too much.
for now, i'd be content with a job that pays more than peanut shells and water and a nice city to relocate to.
and then i talk to my mother.
mostly, its on accident or out of bare necessity.
like today, my new intern was scheduled to work. i needed an extra computer. i didn't want to just take her computer without asking. boom! bare necessity.
when we're over the phone, she makes me feel bad about how i'm not doing a great job of taking care of my grandmother. today, she hung up on me because i wanted to bring her home and take care of her business next week instead of this week. THIS from someone who can't find time to even visit her! are you fucking kidding me? before that, she asked me about my business..."are you making any money???" - truthfully, no. not enough to support me. "i can't believe you can't find a job...with all your job history and qualifications."
i can't believe i can't find a job either.
and i apply to about 20 per day. granted, i did skip a few days this week. so, tonight, i decided to make up for lost days and apply for as many jobs as possible. the past 3 hours, i've applied for 35 jobs with a desperation that i've never felt before. with tears in my eyes...i looked for a job. my phone was on silent. my eyes glued to monster and craigslist because i NEED a job like i NEED oxygen.
because i NEED to get the fuck out of here!
i feel like she takes pleasure in beating up on me at every single turn. those questions are logical for any mother to ask but maybe...i don't know...i need someone to treat me gently sometimes.honestly, i don't know what to say...does she want me to break down? does she want me to admit i'm making a mess of my life? one day without prodding, without an audience, without anything...i just want her to be like..."you've been through some amazing trials and you haven't killed yourself. good job." - maybe not in those words but something along that sentiment. or maybe something like.. "i support you." something simple. and i want her to mean it.
maybe i ask for too much.
for now, i'd be content with a job that pays more than peanut shells and water and a nice city to relocate to.
Girls, What's my weakness??? Men, Ok then....
last night, i went on an outing with RastaMan. RM and I were very close in high school, bonding over poetry cyphers. I liked him so much..I wanted him to be with me so bad....it just never happened. we graduated. i went to school in ct. he went to brooklyn college. we talked and still...i wanted something to happen. then, he met this girl. had a baby. they moved in together and now they're going to have another baby together.
still, i'd been carrying something for him. and apparently, he for me. i always considered him to be the one that got away. we wound up at dinner last night after months of him asking me when we could get together to talk. RM and I have always had these amazingly profound intense talks about God, love, politics, hair, passion, purpose...
and we talked. he calls the woman he lives with, his wife because he's committed to her. he talked about his son and the excitement of his soon to be born daughter...we talked about love. passion (as far as careers)...i talked about my uncertainty, he talked about what he sees as an educator in the nyc school system (it sucks) we ate and then we walked...he kept saying that my energy is the same as it was in high school...never innocent and then he'd look at me auspiciously. then it came out.
me: i loved you so much in high school but you didn't want me,
rm: its not that i didn't want you. i was confused. i didn't know what i wanted. it was obvious you wanted a relationship. i wasn't ready.
me: hmmm
rm: tell me that's not what you wanted.
me: ok, it was...but you could have told me.
rm: i was stupid. here was this woman who i could talk to about anything..who was so funny, ambitious, smart and beautiful right in front of me and i chose to walk away from that because i was afraid.
me: wow. thank you. but you found that again in college. the woman who is your wife, right?
rm: i wouldn't say that.
me: well, it doesn't matter what we had anymore. because its too late.
rm: its never too late...you never know what the future holds...we may reunite in that way when we're old..but i get why you say that.
me: because you're married.
rm: because i'm married.
we walked back to the car and sat inside talked about this non-profit he wants to start and more things about how disheartening the education system is...when we heard some call out "Rasta Man" (his first and last name)...it was another old friend from high school...one of RM's best friends. We all used to do poetry together. Let's call him HL. HL kept looking at me like....why are you guys together...I felt like a tramp for admittedly going to dinner and then sitting in a car with this married man. I'm always that girl that guy friends who have girlfriends and my girl friends' boyfriends are always invisible to me...we have no friendship anymore...we have no interaction because it causes trouble in the end. so, you must know..i felt like a scoundrel...we parted ways. rm drove me home. we started talking about religion. as we pulled up in front of my house, rm accidentally grazed my knee as he was maneuvering the clutch...it was nothing but his touch felt like fire in my veins. i said i had to go...i took some pictures of him and hugged him. as i was about to leave. he says...i can't help but think about your cocoon (i told him a poem about how i wanted to slip into some guys bed...a warm cocoon)..i faux-slapped him and walked away from him not really sure of what to say...truthfully...i wanted him to come inside that cocoon too....
this life we lead is so fragile and 1 person can ruin the whole thing for you. i don't want to be the reason by which chaos is introduced into his world. there are children involved and he made a promise to this woman. who am i to interject myself into that?
i felt things that i haven't felt for someone in such a long time...i wanted to bottle it up and wear it as a fragrance...
and so, i went home to sleep uncomfortably understanding the whole other woman thing a little bit more but proud of myself for having self-control, remembering a bit of our conversation from earlier when i told him...everything in our lives after a certain point is dictated by the choices we make.
a friend tweeted me when I got home:
"OMG, I saw you today but u were on a date, so i didn't want to interrupt...u were like reallllllllly into each other. It was so sweet. You were just glowing! Glowing! Glowing! Ugh...beautiful! It was good to see you so happy!"
I was happy but it was not real...a beautiful mirage that disappears as soon as you blink your eyes.
i bbm'ed jj to see if we were still on to lay up this weekend. he said no. i felt desperate disappointment right down to my toes. i feel like i need the type of release that comes from being held and having sex...laughing with a man...giving the guard that's on call 24-7 around my heart and mind the night off.
the one thing i miss about being in a relationship is the freedom to be soft.
*le sigh*
still, i'd been carrying something for him. and apparently, he for me. i always considered him to be the one that got away. we wound up at dinner last night after months of him asking me when we could get together to talk. RM and I have always had these amazingly profound intense talks about God, love, politics, hair, passion, purpose...
and we talked. he calls the woman he lives with, his wife because he's committed to her. he talked about his son and the excitement of his soon to be born daughter...we talked about love. passion (as far as careers)...i talked about my uncertainty, he talked about what he sees as an educator in the nyc school system (it sucks) we ate and then we walked...he kept saying that my energy is the same as it was in high school...never innocent and then he'd look at me auspiciously. then it came out.
me: i loved you so much in high school but you didn't want me,
rm: its not that i didn't want you. i was confused. i didn't know what i wanted. it was obvious you wanted a relationship. i wasn't ready.
me: hmmm
rm: tell me that's not what you wanted.
me: ok, it was...but you could have told me.
rm: i was stupid. here was this woman who i could talk to about anything..who was so funny, ambitious, smart and beautiful right in front of me and i chose to walk away from that because i was afraid.
me: wow. thank you. but you found that again in college. the woman who is your wife, right?
rm: i wouldn't say that.
me: well, it doesn't matter what we had anymore. because its too late.
rm: its never too late...you never know what the future holds...we may reunite in that way when we're old..but i get why you say that.
me: because you're married.
rm: because i'm married.
we walked back to the car and sat inside talked about this non-profit he wants to start and more things about how disheartening the education system is...when we heard some call out "Rasta Man" (his first and last name)...it was another old friend from high school...one of RM's best friends. We all used to do poetry together. Let's call him HL. HL kept looking at me like....why are you guys together...I felt like a tramp for admittedly going to dinner and then sitting in a car with this married man. I'm always that girl that guy friends who have girlfriends and my girl friends' boyfriends are always invisible to me...we have no friendship anymore...we have no interaction because it causes trouble in the end. so, you must know..i felt like a scoundrel...we parted ways. rm drove me home. we started talking about religion. as we pulled up in front of my house, rm accidentally grazed my knee as he was maneuvering the clutch...it was nothing but his touch felt like fire in my veins. i said i had to go...i took some pictures of him and hugged him. as i was about to leave. he says...i can't help but think about your cocoon (i told him a poem about how i wanted to slip into some guys bed...a warm cocoon)..i faux-slapped him and walked away from him not really sure of what to say...truthfully...i wanted him to come inside that cocoon too....
this life we lead is so fragile and 1 person can ruin the whole thing for you. i don't want to be the reason by which chaos is introduced into his world. there are children involved and he made a promise to this woman. who am i to interject myself into that?
i felt things that i haven't felt for someone in such a long time...i wanted to bottle it up and wear it as a fragrance...
and so, i went home to sleep uncomfortably understanding the whole other woman thing a little bit more but proud of myself for having self-control, remembering a bit of our conversation from earlier when i told him...everything in our lives after a certain point is dictated by the choices we make.
a friend tweeted me when I got home:
"OMG, I saw you today but u were on a date, so i didn't want to interrupt...u were like reallllllllly into each other. It was so sweet. You were just glowing! Glowing! Glowing! Ugh...beautiful! It was good to see you so happy!"
I was happy but it was not real...a beautiful mirage that disappears as soon as you blink your eyes.
i bbm'ed jj to see if we were still on to lay up this weekend. he said no. i felt desperate disappointment right down to my toes. i feel like i need the type of release that comes from being held and having sex...laughing with a man...giving the guard that's on call 24-7 around my heart and mind the night off.
the one thing i miss about being in a relationship is the freedom to be soft.
*le sigh*
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
fight or flight
I often use the term, "fight or flight" because I often have the urge to run...to fly...to just go..leave...
Today is one of those days. I woke up and just wanted out. Life is good. Life is stressful and full of things and situations I don't quite understand but for a few hours, I want to be caught up in something pleasurable. I want to laugh uncontrollably. I want to have an orgasm. I want good food. I want strong wine. I want to walk out of my house looking like a dollar and have someone tell me I look like a million bucks.
Do you guys ever just want to find that trap door that leads to the exit? Not necessarily because life is horrible but just to break the sheer monotony.
(reading eat.pray.love only adds to the urge to have wings...)
Today is one of those days. I woke up and just wanted out. Life is good. Life is stressful and full of things and situations I don't quite understand but for a few hours, I want to be caught up in something pleasurable. I want to laugh uncontrollably. I want to have an orgasm. I want good food. I want strong wine. I want to walk out of my house looking like a dollar and have someone tell me I look like a million bucks.
Do you guys ever just want to find that trap door that leads to the exit? Not necessarily because life is horrible but just to break the sheer monotony.
(reading eat.pray.love only adds to the urge to have wings...)
Closet Freak
I have a lot of frustration building up inside of me. I need to go to the gym and run it out and part of me feels like...I need to not be celibate.
I want to lay up under someone this weekend. I want to feel someone's arms around me. I want to kiss and hug and do stuff. I need them to help me forget my troubles. I asked JJ if he wanted to do that and he was taken aback because I asked him just like that...
"I want to lay up this weekend."
"Whoa,pow I will get back to you on that and wow" - was his response.
I have this nagging feeling that I will scare him off. Men like to conquer right? We'll see.
I'm trying to play it cool.
I told Editor what transpired and my fear. She shrugged.
She said, "Sometimes, you just need the arm and hammer." Lol
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Wednesday, October 20, 2010
The Pursuit...
Soooooooo......
My budget is really tight. That overdraft threw me off in that I have 3 major bills coming out this week that will overdraft me again. And then when things like light and gas come out at the end of the month, I will overdraft again. Then at the beginning of the month....you get it.
My budget is really tight. That overdraft threw me off in that I have 3 major bills coming out this week that will overdraft me again. And then when things like light and gas come out at the end of the month, I will overdraft again. Then at the beginning of the month....you get it.
I can stop the cycle by using 1/2 of my London ticket money to pad my account. Which means $450 turned into $225 and I have to come up with $475 to buy my ticket.
I write this with tears streaming down my face. I know I can sacrifice and make it happen. I am looking for a job heavy heavy. I'm just so...disappointed. 1 mistake in managing cost me big time.
We had a conference call for the magazine today. Editor likes open forums where we talk about our faults as a group and criticize each other. That's so not my style. If something bothers me about someone, I'll pull them to the side. Also, I don't criticize myself in front of other people unless its something everyone noticed. Like...sorry I made one eye bigger than the other on that model. In many cases, to me...it shows weakness.
Anyways...this chick says "Nina interviewed JJ and that threw me off because I had my questions ready. I know I should've said something in the moment. I'm sorry but you threw me off for the rest of the day."
Ok...JJ showed up at 8:30am. I interviewed him at 11:30. Hours after he'd been sitting around doing nothing. She was at Pathmark with Editor and had just come back when I started the interview. What kills me is...we were in the same place til 8pm. She drove me home. Yet, she waits 4 days later to tell me in a conference call. Ok.
Other critiques were made but that was the only that pissed me off.
I'm like...adjust.
I didn't lash out. I apologized. I explained my reasoning. I swallowed my whatever.
I'm gonna quit it with this superwoman act. All people ever wanted to do to Superman was watch him fold when he came in contact with Kryptonite.
On a lighter note, Willow's song is in my head...I whip my hair back and forth...hahahaha.
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