something to look forward to....

firstly, thank you to new and old commenters for the encouragement in the weight loss department.
i really appreciate your outlook and kind words. its nice to know you're not a freak for thinking the way you do.


i don't have any goals set (yet) and i probably won't set any because i have enough stress re:goals in my life. i don't want tobsess and stuff. i'm going to keep eating more, stay active, try and get more active and let the pounds float off...at least that's the thinking right now, check in with me in a month or so.

secondly, i'm excited because i do have a goal i want to achieve.


i want to go to a spa.


*insert cherubs singing*

i've never gone to a spa or had a massage ever in my life. for a while, i had a problem with people touching me. but now, i'm over it (kinda) and i want a massage. no, i NEED a massage. my legs, shoulders and back are super tight with me standing all day and my little stretching does me no real justice so i'm going to pay a stranger *$187 to knead out those kinks.

of course, i can't just shell out *$187 (oh, i wish) for a massage so, i'm putting money aside and at the end of september, oh yea..i'm getting one. and i'm kicking in an extra $40 for a wax. plus 15% tip, i'm looking at $261. and i'm going to freaking enjoy it.

i still want to travel and do all that stuff but with my job paying me $5 more than unemployment and taxes eating up the majority of my overtime wages..its tough. *le sigh*

but no worries...september 30th, i will be sighing...as someone kneads my muscles into dough.


I. CAN'T. WAIT!

*$187 is for a 30 minute massage, facial, foot massage with mani and pedi. BOOM SHAKALAKA.
** i guess its proper blog etiquette to ask what is something you guys are looking forward to...so...have at it! :)


*****SADE, I tried commenting on your blog but it said I didn't have access to view the page. Hopefully, blogger is buggin***************

weight watcher

when i got the position as assistant to the lead servant of the dance ministry at my church, the lead servant had a conversation with me about my weight.

she was gentle.

but she said that if i lost weight, it would help me be a better dancer and a better leader because what we do is physical. if i have to show someone a move, i need to be precise. we watched videos of me dancing (i hate to watch myself) and she was right. i thought i was giving 110%...i look good dancing but only 80% of the effort showed.

of course, being a big girl in human society....my weight comes up with me just walking down the street. conversation starters are always...you're so pretty...for....you guessed it...a big girl.

but i never internalized it.
not a lot of it.
because my self-esteem can't be wrapped up in other people's perceptions of me.

wynsters asked me if i ever consciously tried to lose weight. i told her i had not.
it is the truth.

part of me is afraid to try and lose weight because i'm afraid i will fail.
i've danced, ran track, played soccer and rugby - in that order my whole life and i've always been heavier than (mostly) everyone else while being excellent at all of those things shedding light to the other part of me which hasn't consciously tried to lose weight...its my personal rebellion.

i can be (literally) 100 pounds heavier than you and just as fast, just as graceful, just as precise and have just as much endurance as you. i can be heavier and still be beautiful.

working in the beauty industry is super interesting.
i am with 6 girls in my personal space all day. i interact with hundreds of other women who have issues with their appearance. no matter what: thin, big, tall, short, long hair, bald..no matter what, they have a need in them to change something about their appearance.

if i were thin, what else would i seek to change about myself? (that's rhetorical, of course)

anywhosies...while discussing the nature of my conversation with the lead servant, let's call her ls to wynsters, i told her i needed to think over my stance. she looked at me funny and i understand why. it was probably clear. i need to lose weight. i'm clearly obese (medically speaking). there are a bunch of reasons/way why the weight loss would be necessary and could be beneficial to my life...so, WHY think about it. the reasons i needed to are aforementioned.

so, i did what any woman my age would do...i installed an app on my phone to help me gauge where i am and see how much work i need.
noom (the app) said i need to consume 2090 calories per day, work out at least 3 times per week for an hour to lose about 2 pounds per week.
i was consuming 500 - 700 calories per day. most of those calories were bad according to noom...about 70% of those calories are bad...meaning high in caffeine and sugar.

i've been taking baby steps like.....eating more than 1 meal per day, cutting back on the pepsi and while i haven't been exercising (at all), the weight is starting to slide off. at work, i am on my feet all day, constantly moving...bending and running around the counter. a lot of people have noticed the weight loss which is cool and my work pants (i wear them like 3 out of 5 days) are super loose.

i'm not making a grand announcement but i am going to try and eat more (the good stuff). i'm still at 900 calories per day. in the morning, if i eat, my stomach gets ripped apart it feels like...
no bueno, man. no bueno.

but since i have lost the weight i have, standing on my feet is less horrible. my ankles and knees are in less pain and that's great. so, we'll see.

Cake and Eat it Too

Is it possible to want to be in a relationship yet be so incredibly uninterested in telling the new guy the same things I told all the other guys before him?

I feel lonely. I feel like everywhere I turn, there are couples all happy and in love and shit. I've never been that girl with a steady boyfriend. We broke up. Got back together and stuff. Seeing what BFF and 'em had to go through to keep those fools, I was totally uninterested in going through the rigamaro.

But now I'm like...baby, can we pretend?

The only person I want to pretend with is DK WHOM btw, I haven't spoken to in a week. I text and got no response so I deleted his number.

All I do now is work. All the dudes I work with are too young..not that I'd even go there anyway. The one dude I did like has a crush on my coworker. That stings.

Anyways...
BFF's baby is breached and has to be turned.
She may go into labor when they turn her which could be some time this or next week.
Her mom took her car to Punjabi's mechanic. He asked BFF to bring it in for some extra work but "asked" her to wear her hair down "not to dress like a bum. "

She said it reminded her of her manipulative, controlling and lots of other things - ex hubby. I told her plainly,

 

"Girl, run! Waddle, walk...whatever you gotta do...get away from this dude."

 

She brushed what I said off like I knew she would. Its cool though.

 

Porgy and Bess

There have been a lof of things going on and I am trying to wrap my head around everything.

Phone
I'm writing this on my new all touch screen phone. My other phone gave me way too many problems. Firstly, I was NOT paying $130 to replace a $50 phone! No ma'am. So when the damn thing just cut off...wouldn't charge or anything...I woke up yesterday pissed. Thank goodness I have some money stashed away for emergencies but now I'm a little stressed out because the emergency fund has been spent on a new phone.

Job
I am getting paranoid about losing this job. I come in on time and I make my daily goal of sales, I am always in dress code and my makeup is always fly but still...I dont have  unemployment or mommy's hugs to fall back on and part of me doesn't feel like this is permanent for some reason.

They fired Frenchie last week because she called out once a week every week for 2 months. What killed me was that she was always complaining about how broke she was all the time but was always late and not showing up. She felt like her boyfriend should take care of her.

After she left, Monroe was like.."Look at her. She'll be fine." She is beautidul but come on! The girl is 39 yrs old with a man as a plan...no back up or anything. Monroe was like..wait til u get my age..you'll understand. These men want you to be all freaky in the bedroom and you get nothing for it. No! They gotta pay for it.
Zhang said...(in another conversation) I
"I am Asian girl. I can't work so hard." Yesterday, I asked her about her husband. He lives in China. She said that American men are too romantic...too smooth. They can't be trusted. I told her what Monrow said and she agreed. She said she has a husband. If she wants to work hard and pay most of the bills, she would have a roommate. In China, all the women are happy because the men buy the house and pay all the bills. The women are responsible for furnishing the house, keeping it clean and keeping themselves pretty. Not a bad deal entirely. lol

Its hot at work and NYC has been experiencing a small heat wave. The girl who passed out 2weeks ago is back at work. I think she's a little embarasssed. She was just dehydrated.  An old lady passed out last week. Now, all the managers are making an extra effort to make sure everyone drinks water several times a day but you have to take yo,. The A/C is a non-motha effing factor as Evelyn would say as you hardly feel it. I got into it with Shy because I don't like her or the way she spoke to me. A small thing turned into a huge conflama and I wanted to punch her in the face.

These girls are so cut-throat and its super ridiculous. I am kinda glad we don't get comission or else chicks would fight for real.

Family
Grandma is getting worse. I haven't seen her in 2 weeks. I get 1 day off a week and on that day I have to cook for the week, clean, rest and try and have some fun. I just want to run away from the situation. I will probably put her in the nursing home permanently.

Boys

I called DK on Friday and I was like.."Man, I was about to call a search party for you." He was like...that's not necessary. I am here. I hadnt spokem to him since Sunday. I talked to my brother about it and he gave me some really good advice. He said to leave him alone. He has girls he does that to because he knows they're going to stick around. He said I'm worth more than that. Sooooo, that's what I'm gonna do. I have already detached myself emotionally. So...whatevs.

I was in Daffy's on Friday with a pair of $20 shoes in my hand for me. I was like...no, its too much but was thinking hard about getting him a $50 pair of shoes. I am super generous if I like you. I mentally slapped myself out of it.

I am super tired all the time. I dont think this job is for me

Le Boom

I go through so many different emotions with DK, its kinda ridiculous. I had lunch with him on Friday. It was cool. I met a lady coworker of his and I swear that was the first time it hit me...wait...dude is in contact with other women throughout the day. This chick sees him, 200x more than me. First I got jealous and then angry.

He keeps telling me he'll make it up to me and that  things will be better at the end of the summer but there is a big disconnect between him and me. Dude just got a 3rd job!!!!!!

I feel like the bad guy not being supportive knowing he has 3 jobs but I am not feeling support from him. When Rocky died, he text me. I was hoping for a phonecall. I chalked it up to him being a man and not really knowing. But now I am starting to feel resentful. I know I really shouldn't be but I do.

So...now I gotta think.
I feel like when he has it together, he will be awesome but he doesn't...not when it pertains to me.

*sigh*

Blame Starrla and her love languages post. Someone can show me they love me by communicating, spending quality time and being affectionate.

I always think about other people and how I can make their  lives better. Now I have to think about me.

4 Senegalese Women + Misery Loves Company+ Role Models

(Oops. This was sitting in my drafts for 2 weeks)

I sat in the chair for 13 hours to get my waist-length microbraids completed.

13.
Hours.

Of listening to 4 women from Senegal bicker, argue and chat in their language. In the midst of it, I thought..."Damn, my job is not so bad.

Working with all women in a small space is challenging. Saturday, I went in to work and my boss was on my ass about my hair and the way I was dressed. I didn't wear my lab coat because it was filthy so I left it home.

Oh em gee. You would've thought I cussed a customer. She "coached" me on it for 2 hours. And then she kept saying my hair was a problem.

I was told in training that I could wear my black Keds to work because although they're" athletic shoes," they're all black with no writing or insignias. Suddenly on Saturday, that was a problem.

Like..I was going to go buy some shoes.

Uhm..no.

Then...she made me read and sign a document saying that I read the dress code.

It felt like....I came in to work in a decent mood and this lady did all she could to wipe the smile off my face.

I was so pissed. I asked my coworker.."Am I supposed to wear a filthy coat?" She said yes. And don't act all happy because that gives people room to attack you. How sad is that shit?

*sigh*

I'm learning a lot and I'm just keeping in mind that its definitely a stepping stone. Everything else...just let it roll off my back.

I'm officially the Assistant Lead Servant of the Dance Ministry at my church. People are referring to me as a leader and we had a meeting and there were expectations and such.

What?!

Lol. No its good but the actual leader keeps saying she's grooming me to take over the ministry in 2 yrs. Hunh? What???

Leaders in the church are always held at a higher standard...a standard of which I'm not sure I can meet.

Like...I would have to go to the extra services I skip out on and I'd be a recognizable face and people will ask me questions and I'd be a role model for the younger girls.

I didn't sign up for that. I want to be a delinquent. (Not really)

I don't drink (that much) or smoke or club. I tithe. I don't miss that many Sundays. But the pressure.

Talking to the leader of the ministry in a sister to sister way...it requires such a commitment and I know I can do I but I'm honored and blown away.

I also need to choreograph more and choose songs. Wow.

Quality of Life

Today, someone passed out at work. The girl who works at the counter next to mine. We. Don't have a close bond but she teases me everyday about something. We crack jokes and stuff. Today, I could tell she wasn't feeling herself. She complained that her head hurt. I went to get something from the stock room. When I came back, she was on the floor unconscious and there were store security guards that created a perimeter around her to give her some air. Our manager tried to wake her up. It took a while. The ambulance was called. She began shaking as if having a seizure on the floor. After they were able to get her conscious, she was still like a wet noodle. Her eyes were closed. It was terrible. I started crying. Seeing her like that...I don't know. With all the death around me lately, it hit a nerve.

Later, one of the girls at my counter said that before she passed out, she told her manager she didn't feel well. Her head felt numb. Someone else said she grabbed her stomach and then passed out and hit her head on the blunt part of the counter. She had a bruise on her forehead.

Why didn't they let her go home? Take a 15 minute break? Get some water? The store is cool enough where you're not dying but not cool enough where you feel totally comfortable. We sweat all day. And why?

Everyone in the store is doing some manual labor... from the guys in the stock room. The girls at the counters...we're on our feet for 9 hours a day. That's not easy.

Why didn't she say...I need to be home? A check at the end of the week is necessary but not at the expense of hitting your head and passing out. Maybe it was God's plan that she stayed. I don't know her living situation but if she's like me and lives alone...if I pass out in this apartment I don't think anyone would notice for days. That's a scary thought.

Anyways...I hope you all take this as a PSA. A job is not more important than your health. I love you all. Take care of yourselves!