Bruh

So, I went on a date with this dude I reconnected with on FB from high school. The date was great.  He was charming, funny and sexy. When we went to school, he was shy and nerdy. We went out a second time with BFF and her college roommate. He was the same. After a few drinks, I got a little touchy Feely. Cool.

BFF said that he was giving me mixed signals. He was into me but pulling back and texting other girls. Dafuq?

So, I got the brilliant idea to just ask him outright.

"Do you have feelings for me?"
"No, I do not."
"Well, I was flirting with you pretty heavily and you didn't stop me."
"Well, I'm an attractive guy and I like the attention."
"I'm not here too boost your ego."
"Too late."

Actual conversation.

I'll just leave it at that.
Smdh!

I downloaded Tinder on my phone....because......I was curious and bored. I started talking to a whole bunch of dudes which didn't result in a lot. Here are 2 dudes I was talking to though...

1. Teddy - Actual name cuz f it.
Tall, dark, handsome, looks like a bouncer at a club but works at a management firm. Cool. We're getting along great.  Flirtatious messages are being sent back and forth. He mentions..."my fall back game is on point." I ask what he means. He says that sometimes girls get too attached and he has to cut them off. He just wants casual relations and they're cool with it until they actually have sex with him and they want to lock it down.

I said...well, as long as there is open communication BEFORE sex, that shouldn't be an issue.  Maybe something else is amiss. He agrees with me. We continue talking. He asks me a question about where I work. I answer and ask him the same. He still hasn't responded. (this was almost a week ago)

Fall back game on point for real.

I don't mind someone not being into me but I think it's cowardly to just not respond.

Like......when he said his fall back game was on point,  I should've heard a bell in my head signify that something was off with him. It you no longer want to talk to someone just say it. *rolls eyes *

2. Jeff
Our communication was a bit off because we work opposite hours. Everytime he did hav down time, he talked about Spending a lot of time out.he was flabbergasted at why I don't go to clubs. Hmmm. Red flag. I added him on IG. I see multiple pictures of him and his son which he never mentioned before.. Hmmmmm.....I poke around a little bit more...I see cutesy messages on his pictures from the same girl. I ask him. "Are you in a relationship?"
"Yes, I've been with her for 5 years."
"What? Why are you on Tinder? "
"People can't be on Tinder if they're in a relationship?"
"No! It's for singles. Some people also think it's a hook up app."
"Are you looking for a relationship? "
"No, but I'm not even going to entertain a dude with a girlfriend. That's a headache. "
"Why does every girl say that?"
"Because she's decent. "
"Sweetheart, if you want to be with someone, they're status don't matter. They could be married with 3 kids. If you want them, what's stopping you?"
"Ok, bye. "
"Does that mean you not talking to me anymore? '
"Yup."
"Good. "

I mean I couldn't even muster the energy to explain to this dude how much of an asshole he is! That poor woman of his!  Annnnnnd he's going to be teaching that foolishness to his son. Smdh! 

3. Dave
He's 37. Another one that likes to be in the club. Reeeeed flag! Why?
Let's say the youngest person he could date would be 25. Ok. What kind of quality are you getting in the club?  He's 37. He clubs every weekend. Every weekend. How much money are you wasting?  Annnnnnd, for what? I told my friend and she was like that sounds like a lonely dude if he has to club every weekend.  I agree. So, the reason I just left it alone....he always asks me what I'm doing which is usually working. Cool. What's my next day off? Monday. He says he wants to see me.we'll go to lunch. Ok. He goes clubbing on Saturday. He texts me Sunday at like 4. He just woke up. Ok. He says, the worst thing about going out is the recovery. He's going to be up all night because he slept all day. In my head I already knew that we were going to go out on Monday.

Sure enough,  Monday,  I didn't hear from him until around 6. Omg, I just woke up....

Really dude?!

He asked me what I was doing. I said, just napping. He said, "Ur a busy woman."

No....let's meet up or apologies or anything...so, I said Fuck you in my head and kept it moving.

Lawd, please deliver me from fuckboys!!!

all me

I took a driving lesson today.
 I take my road test on the 18th. I may need to reschedule.
 Anyway, the instructor said I'm good. I just need to work on my turns which have been a struggle for me. Do you have anyone you can practice with? he asked. I said yes. but really.....no. I have a mother. I have friends with cars but everyone is too busy to help me.

 ANd then I started thinking about other shit I needed support on. And really, I have no support in other areas of my life either. My entire life, I've had to pull myself up from my own bootstraps and make shit happen. And people are always like....oh you're so strong. You have no emotions. And I'm like...if I fall apart, who is there to pick me up and put me back together?? If I need help, who do I really have to call? And my friends are like, you should call me. And then I do and they're not available.

 Do you know how tiring and frustrating that shit is?????? You have to build in your own safety nets. You have to double and triple check everything because if something goes wrong or doesn't work out, you have NO ONE you can call. Do you know how lonely and devastating that shit is???? Do you know what that says about your self-worth? That no one is around to really be there for you.

 All the times I felt suicidal I would rather call the helpline than a friend because that friend wouldn't even be there for me anyway. IF you look at my life from afar, its like...oh, you have siblings. You have friends. You know so many people. I'm the loneliest person I know. So lonely, a 10-lb dog is the most consistent being in my life.

 I just want someone to have MY back. I want someone to be there for ME completely. That seems like the hardest shit to find. Even for something so simple as a car to practice my turns. No, there is no one for me to call. And I pass by an empty car everyday. And I look at other people surrounded by family and friends and I'm like....that is so awesome.

I wish. I wish. I wish. I just wonder...wtf did I do in a past life to deserve solitude?

swirls of thoughts....

I officially start work on Sunday... YAYYYYYYY! 

Way off my initial plan to start work in September, giving myself 6 months of saving to move in March.
So, April it is!

I CAN'T FUCKING WAIT TO GET THE HELL OUT OF NYC!

The last pleasant day I had was with my mom...we went to eat something and shopping and I went home. It didn't involve any public transportation or work, which is sad because...who can really go out to eat and shop without a job.

And...who commutes by car to their job in NYC anyway???? It's insane.

Literally, without fail EVERY DAMN DAY some fuckshit happens. Who can live like this? I'm becoming so angry. So, I need to scrimp and save as much as I can to get the hell out of here.
Can you feel the frustration???

Moving along...
Someone on tumblr posted something that said. ..

Repeat after me:
Date someone who matches you in emotional development.
Date someone who matches you in emotional intelligence.
Date someone who can support you emotionally.

This speaks to my soul especially with (that dude with the money and bed situation). I reached out to him in subtle ways when I was really contemplating suicide. Just on some...

"Yo, I'm having a bad day. I feel like I'm going to lose it"

and dude would be like "Lol"

WTF son?

or would be like "faux zen-meditative choose to be happy" fuckshit..

(fuckshit is my new favorite word.)

And, it was like BRUH!!!! I'm trying to reach out to you. At the time, he was the only person I was talking to...about like anything...not just romantically

and it was like, I couldn't be a real person and talk about real shit.

Do you know how stifling it is to have play a role all day - beauty expert/extrovert and have real problems - suicidal thoughts/depression and then have a friend have fucking shallow ass conversations with you?

Do you know how horrible and dehumanizing it feels when someone doesn't have any interest in getting to know the real you?

And I understand that people are going through their own stuff but it really doesn't take much to listen and empathize. I do that all day in spite of how shitty I feel, I put on a fucking smile and turn on the charm and people buy that I'm a happy person.

Anyway.....I'm on that no days off plan with work until I get to Miami.
In other news, loving this song.

photogenic

Sometimes, I worry I'm not really pretty in person and that possibly, I'm just photogenic. But then, I meet someone who is like that and at least I'm fucking PASSABLE AS THE SAME FUCKIN PERSON IN THE PICTURE. I decided to give online dating a whirl. I was talking to someone really cool - smart, funny, established, well-traveled. BRUH! He was so cute in his pics but so NOT cute in person. We met at a coffee shop and he ate a red velvet cupcake with his fingers, licking icing off his fingers and everything. He had red crumbs in his teeth. Here's my rule. The grossest thing to watch someone you don't know eat is ice cream. ESPECIALLY, if you're not sexually attracted to them. It gets all over their mouth and its just nasty. Add icing to that too. Long story short, I fucking ran out of that date as soon as I finished my sandwich and smoothie. My heart is so weathered by dating. I'd much rather be alone that go through this process again and again.

lowest hanging fruit

so, Autumn is here. and that means this is the time where every JOB basically...is hiring to gear up for the holiday season.

i have gone from scraping for hours to having 4 job offers.
1. continue to freelance and be guaranteed 30 hours a week until January.
(we all knows what happens in January. I get dropped like a bad habit.)
2. go back to my old old job before MAC. the people are petty and childish but I could make decent money.
3. possibly work for Kiehls. I'm starting the interview process which I'm 2 interviews away from...
4. possibly work for Nars. I have to go through the extensive interview processs

Part of me hates going back but I may end up back at Macys because...I'm guaranteed 40 hour a week and I'm also guaranteed to start within a week or so. I need the structure. I need the benefits. My plan is to save up all I can to move to Miami 6 months after I start working.

I've been struggling and hustling and I hate it.
However, Nars is the golden apple because it has COLOR!! And respects artistry. But, my time in NYC has to come to an end and soon. I hate it here. So...I have to keep telling myself this.

I just hope that with all these doors FINALLY opening for me that I'm not making a mistake. I guess time will tell. dun dun dun!

better!

I've been trying to climb out of my hole of depression lately.
I haven't told anyone how I've been feeling because seriously, I need professional help.
All last week I was in a dark dark place.
Dark enough to where I started planning my suicide and obituary.

Bad.

And so, I decided to seek professional help.
And the mental health system in NYC is so fucked.
I called around to speak to someone. Everywhere you call, you have to make an appointment.
The place closest to me that is free to low cost, I called to make an appointment. Its just one lady. I left her a message. She called me back days later while I was at work. I called her back an hour later. Let's see when she calls me.
I seriously could be dead right now.

If you guys have been reading this blog for a while, you know I've struggled with depression since I was a teenager. They didn't really know what it was back then. Now, it has a name. I've just come to grips with the fact that yeah...maybe I can't handle this shit on my own.

Hopefully, the lady will call me back before I have another destructive episode.

I always know when I'm on the decline when my space starts looking crazy.
My apartment is so disheveled. Papers and clothes everywhere.
No food really because depressives dont eat.
I was talking to a coworker and I told her that I have to force myself to eat because if I don't, I still wont feel hungry but I will get a raging headache and I'd feel light-headed. She was like....why dont you eat? I told her a story like...oh yea, I just don't feel hungry.


Anyways...I made a promise to myself to fight for my life. I have been doing that with all the strength I have in my body. I've been reminding myself of who would miss me when I'm gone. Who will take care of my dog? Who will find me? Shit like that. Sometimes, doing that makes it possible to live just another day. All last week, it was literally ONE DAY AT A TIME.

Even if you're not depressed, trying to date in NYC will make you want to end it all.
>>>joke<<<<

I've been on OkCupid a lot lately. I went on a date with a guy and he was awesome on paper - loves to travel, stable job, car, no kids, super supportive of me. He was my height when I met him in person. Like..seriously, 5"3. and thin, It was so awkward hugging him. I felt like a gorilla.

I'm trying to be positive about my dating life.
I feel like...if I look at the last few people that I've dated...its getting better.
Since dating Aussie who was not as smart and didn't make as much money as me.
I've dated Claude who is smart, educated, has a house and money but had a small penis and no ambition.
Then I had a sexual relationship with Kevon who was all the things Claude was but had a big penis but couldn't kiss. What 40 year old man can't kiss? YUCK!
Then there was Max who had everything K had except a house but whoa..passion.
Then Wiley who has a car, apt, college education, career but is boring as fuck. Like, made me want to sleep talking to him. (no sex)
The dude I talked about who was short.
And now this dude who seems really cool. His name is K. He's a teacher He's funny and smart and actually calls. We'll see what happens.

I'm still planning on going to Miami in March but I feel like at least my prospects are looking better.This song has been speaking to me when it comes to relationships.

Like...the next time I fall in love, it has to make me feel better.. Yes!!!

seasons + fuckboys

I feel as thought I'm embarking on a new season in my life. As though, it is almost there..its so close that  can touch it and all I have to do is be  positive and boom...it will be here.

I'm excited about my new season.

I embrace it.

I'm ready for it.


Meanwhile on Faacebook, I posted
Once you realize you bring dinner and dessert to the table, you will stop inviting people to dine with you who only bring a knife and fork.

I have to remember this lesson with the dude I talked about in my last post. But, as I sat and I analyzed my last relationships...something I said to an ex came to mind. 

"I'm sick of doing all of the heavy lifting." 

But, not sick enough because with Afroman, Aussie, Claude, Panama Guy....and really pretty much every dude since high school, I've been doing the leg work.The spending on dates and doing things they need and even if its not monetary, its giving up the goods too early, getting comfortable too early, cooking for them too early...being in the type of relationship I want to be in too early. 

And really...the result is the same. 
Those fuckboys were not worth my gotdamn time. Each taking a part of me that I can't get back.
I always wanted to have this optimism about love and life. I thought being hard on men meant that my heart was hard and I was bitter but that's not true.

It makes me smart.
I'm a precious jewel. To find a rough diamond, you have to go deep into the Earth and mine for her. How am I any different??

This man is so damn stupid but I'm worse.I'm a fool. 
I was not fulfilled emotionally, mentally or sexually. I didn't feel supported...actively supported in any of my endeavors. None. Not in a way that didn't benefit him. Yet, I was still willing to be there for him in every aspect of his life. Why? Because for some reason, I still liked him. Why? *crickets*

Or maybe its because he represented an idea in my head of who I as supposed to be with.
We make up this idea of a person...of who we think they are...who we want them to be and suddenly this illusion takes on a life of its own and completely replaces the reality of the situation. No more.

I did makeup for a wedding today and the main thought that I took from it was...I want someone to win my heart. I don't want to give someone my heart. I want them to prove to me that they are fricking worth it, they want it and they will do what it takes to show me that I can trust the with it. 

Until then...I'll be single. 

I think I finally get it!