what do you want?

all day I've been asking myself this very question. 2013 was mildly successful. I went to Europe like I want. I changed jobs like I wanted. I landed a dude - a couple of dudes that I wanted. what else? i'm angry and pms-y and I've been trying to keep my crazy from the general public. as much as I can seeing as I work with the general public every day... blah so,what do I want to accomplish in 2014? I think I've been reluctant to answer this question for myself because that would require actually doing these things. part of me thinks I have no fight left and i'm just tired swinging my white flag around. when did I become this person? when did I realize that life is effing hard? I had all intentions of working on a vision board and making all these goals for the new year but I came home and ate chocolate chip cookies instead. because i'm a winner. did I tell you guys I lost 18lbs?! as soon as I found that out, i'm like....I want chocolate...NOW. ugh. I gotta keep up the good work because I really would love to be a size 12. like a standard ny and company size 12. I remember being a kid and my mom buying me clothes from there. the last time I was a size 12, I was probably 12. and I always thought I just had baby fat and I would grow out of it and be skinny and wear beautiful clothes from ny and co. crazy thoughts. this ish is work! being away from the gym from 1 week, I couldn't run the mile and a half I worked my way up to these past 2 months...wha???? I was struggling and then ran for 10 minutes, walked for 10 minutes....those 10 minutes were HARD. what have I done? after I came home from the gym, I had 4 chocolate chip cookies and a half a 24oz can of strawberrita. am I depressed? or is it really pms? I don't know. I feel frustrated with my job. I work part time and i'm an adult woman living in expensive nyc. bills are always past due. I owe everyone! twin called me and was like...hey...do you want to drop $300 on jill scott tickets for Nye? once upon a time, i'd be like...yup...see me on Friday. now, i'm clutching my pearls like...THREE HUNDRED AMERICAN DOLLARS? and this sucks I tried to transfer to a higher hour position at another store because...working in Brooklyn is annoying. I work with chicks like me..broke and have no business buying makeup trying to squeeze them for that extra product. that shit is so.....annoying at times. - all the time - I don't have money so I keep my broke ass home. lit'rally. my boss was like...there is a position opening at my store for more hours that I can try out for but I'd have to prove I really want to be there and i'm like... ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm idk. do I? will making more money make me happier or do I just fuckin hate working in Brooklyn? I can't tell. and in the back of my mind, i'm like 2014...I want it to be the year of national trips. I want to go to new Orleans and I should visit my fam in Bermuda and I kind of want to go to the grand canyon. and I want to do this working 23 hours a week? HOW?! and my birthday is coming in February and I want to go to Miami. and my ipod just gave up the ghost today. my blood pressure is sky high. I guess having faith is seeing that light at the end of the tunnel. through all the darkness and snakes and rats and roaches and things that go bump in the night. and my commitment-phobe self is like... do you really want a boyfriend? when I have 50-11 thousand posts on this here blog talking about how lonely my ass is. WHY? because what I wanted didn't come in the package I thought it would and that's talking about the job and the dude. wtf universe!?! you are so funny.... *le sigh* maybe the chocolate cravings is just emotional eating and I have to stop that shit. not cool. I can finally start to see the top of my collarbones and I like it and I don't want them to go away. I keep telling myself to relax. the holidays are always at TEN on the stress meter and that in January, i'd be better. oh yeah, and I've had raging insomnia for the past 6 months (at least) this is all temporary. must remember temporary.