Hit the Purge Button

Incessantly tired. Waiting for that grand vacation where I just relax.I've been really depressed lately. Hiding it like a pro - hahaha...notreally. It comes out as anger but I'm really sad. Wishing that lifewould be better - sometimes thinking it should be...just because.

Thinking to myself more often than not...y? Why are we here? Why am Ihere? What's my purpose...since I'm not a supermodel...(personal joke)...and I'm not rich. Just a mortal human with $20 in my pocket for the next 2 weeks..yea...really realy broke-(thanks BGF!)..what am I supposed to be doing because my imagination and my thoughts of grandeurare interrupted by ringing phones, needy/annoying/angry customers and
when someeone screams "fuck" I want to scream it with them. Because I know how deep that comes from within.

And then...my friends....they're just as sad/angry as I am looking at me for help emotionally. Maybe I'm not emotionally available. Maybe I've just run out of cool/nice shit to say because I can't think of anything. But I'm known to be THE ONE everyone talks to and maybe that's just too intimidating for me. Half the time I want to cry right along with them but I'm not allowed because I'm me. Who do I talk to?
This blog...my phantom cult following. I imagine there are scores of you who gather around ur monitors every day awaiting my next issue of literary diarrhea.

I wish I wish I wish....
I could fly away.....
Maybe I'm not as strong as I thought I was...there's a hole in my armor and the arrow hit me sqaure in the middle of it. No one is supposed to know how tragic I am. I don't think they do.

Tired...incessantly

Incessantly tired. Waiting for that grand vacation where I just relax.
I've been really depressed lately. Hiding it like a pro - hahaha...not
really. It comes out as anger but I'm really sad. Wishing that life
would be better - sometimes thinking it should be...just because.
Thinking to myself more often than not...y? Why are we here? Why am I
here? What's my purpose...since I'm not a supermodel...(personal
joke)...and I'm not rich. Just a mortal human with $20 in my pocket for
the next 2 weeks..yea...really realy broke-(thanks BGF!)..what am I
supposed to be doing because my imagination and my thoughts of grandeur
are interrupted by ringing phones, needy/annoying/angry customers and
when someeone screams "fuck" I want to scream it with them. Because I
know how deep that comes from within.
And then...my friends....they're just as sad/angry as I am looking at me
for help emotionally. Maybe I'm not emotionally available. Maybe I've
just run out of cool/nice shit to say because I can't think of
anything. But I'm known to be THE ONE everyone talks to and maybe
that's just too intimidating for me. Half the time I want to cry right
along with them but I'm not allowed because I'm me. Who do I talk to?
This blog...my phantom cult following. I imagine there are scores of you
who gather around ur monitors every day awaiting my next issue of
literary diarrhea.
I wish I wish I wish....
I could fly away.....
Maybe I'm not as strong as I thought I was...there's a hole in my armor
and the arrow hit me sqaure in the middle of it.
No one is supposed to know how tragic I am. I don't think they do.
Take chances..tell the truth..date someone wrong for u...laugh til ur
stomach hurts...seek revenge..apologize..be random..spend all ur
cash....LIVE LIFE!

still angry

angry that i have no real family. they're either dead or estranged. not because i've done anything to them but because they've chosen to be estranged from me.
angry that i go from dead end job job to dead end job.
angry that i don't know how to pursue my passion.
angry that i'm middle class poor.
angry that my friend is really middle class and can have no worries if she wanted to but fucked it up.
angry that i allowed bgf to screw me.
angry that things r without my reach.

ANGRY THAT I HAVE SO MANY DREAMS HANGING INSIDE OF ME AND NO WAY TO GET THEM OUT.
ANGRY THAT I FEEL LIKE MY VOICE IS STIFLED.
ANGRY THAT I FEEL LIKE NOTHING IN THIS COMPANY. NOTHING IN THE WORLD TO ANYONE BUT A HANDFUL OF PEOPLE.
ANGRY THAT PEOPLE DON'T KNOW THAT A PHONE NUMBER HAS AN AREA CODE.
ANGRY THAT I FEEL LIKE CRYING BECAUSE OF MY UNHAPPINESS MORE THAN I WANT TO ADMIT TO MYSELF.
ANGRY THAT WE AREN'T EACH OTHER'S KEEPERS ANYMORE.


I NEED COUNSELING
I NEED THERAPY
I NEED A HUG
I NEED AFROMAN'S NECK KISSES
I NEED HIS HANDS ON MY BODY
I NEED TO SIT ON HIS LAP........*sigh*

---anger----

I am angry because I hate my fuckin job. I hate knowing I have one more day at this place and i have to deal with this bullshit. one more day. it's not really one more day. its one more day til i'm off for 2 days then....5 more days of this shit. then 5 more...then 5 more... then 5 more....until....I dunno.

Hate is not strong enough for how i feel here.



so, i'm angry.

and broke.
and eternally tired.

*sad*

because BGF promised to give me money for our $739 phone bill. i told him i was brrrrrokke. i exagerrated it. i made it out to be worse than it was. he still bullshitted me. he still didn't come thru when he was supposed to. it's not abt money. it's about the principle. it is about the money a little bit. because i have none. why? why can't he be more responsible? why would he leave me out to dry?

i've got a headache.
he calls himself a friend.
**sad**

*sigh*

I absolutely love Afroman. We spent a beautiful day together....wishing
it never ended.

[The End]

*sigh*

Becoming Whole

I realize that I am just a shadow of a persom. A glimmer of the spark I used to have. I have spontaneous bouts of depression. I'm not happy where I am right now at all and because we are all responsible for our own happiness...and I vowed to myself this would be a productive year....I am aggressively seeking what I would need to be happy.Which means...going back to school. Getting my bills/credit/finances as a whole in order..which inherently means working a lot but saving a lot...which also means being smarter about money. I want material things like an ipod/digital camera/sidekick 3(again)/laptop...and my own apartment.

Can I do this all within 10 months?

Well...let the games begin!!!!!!!! !