Saturday, August 23, 2014

blog culture

i went through the craziest time in my life while having this blog.
i was in love with someone and we were dating but maybe we both weren't ready for it
or perhaps
he wasn't the right one for me

he kind of made it into a love triangle thing.
and ended up leaving me for the other girl.
and he also had a blog too

so, i'm reading my archives
and i have it convinced in my mind now that he really didn't love me
but when i read what we both wrote....
there was actually a lot of love there.

i didn't look into my archives to reminisce on that situation. was apart of my life.
and its there
i thought he was my soulmate

shit just doesnt work out
and it sucks

he has 2 kids with this girl and they're still together
maybe i don't believe in soulmates anymore
or maybe i just haven't found mine.


i haven't been wanting to blog but i've been needing it because let's face it...just a human being living life
some shit goes down.
self-reflection is always needed but not always wanted.

same old nina.
still in living in brooklyn.

what's on my mind now?
i wonder if i try too hard with men.
i feel like everyone thinks i have my shit together.
and maybe i do.....compared to the hodge-podge friends i have
i've always had a job. most of my peers started working 5-6 years after i did.
and at a young age, i knew that with money came responsibility
sophomore year of high school...i had a job
2 of my friends didn't and their mothers couldn't afford to buy them some stuff for school
so, i bought them basic shit.

like notebooks, pens, etc
at 14 years old, i felt financially responsible for my friends
and that thinking has stuck with me.

and with don't want them to be financially anything to you.
you don't want them to pay your bills because they'll hold it over your head
you don't want to pay their bills
because they'll feel emasculated or worse...COMFORTABLE and won't do shit.

when i started this blog, i was in love with someone...and he didn't have a job.
i had a decent paying one and i paid for everything we did
i bought him shit.
he left me.
for his ex.
and as soon as he did, he miraculously found a job.
and was doing the shit i wanted him to do with/for me.

that fucks with a woman's head. no?
so, now there's another guy i like.
and he's in an interesting situation.

its nyc.
the rent is too damn high
he's always living paycheck to paycheck.
i took him out for drinks.
the bill was $72.
nyc. this was in fucking BROOKLYN too
and tomorrow, i'm helping to pay for his bed to be taken out of storage
it'll be about $50.
i'm having bff rent a uhaul and drive us to pick up the bed and bring it to his new apt.
because he doesn't really have the money to do it
he's been sleeping on the floor for 3 weeks.
and he won't have the money for maybe another week or 2.

in good conscience, i wouldn't feel good knowing he's on the floor when i could help him
i have a couple extra dollars (space on a credit card)
but should i help him?

i mean,
i really like this guy.
i feel like he could possibly be the one for me
but the timing of it is just...wrong.
what would future me think of this?

when are you just trying too hard?