Thursday, September 24, 2009

Funny Funny

Gi talked to me for the nth time yesterday about a dude she's messing with not wanting to give her a title.

She says:
"Nina, do you think we're fwb? I mean we are dating...."

Well, you don't have a title and you're sleeping with him.

True. I really really like him.

Hmmmm. Do you REALLY want to be his gf or do you just want the title because ya'll are sleeping together?


I mean he doesn't have a job. You have a lot of expectations from him and he can't deliver. Putting a title on it will only restrict what you guys do (meaning he will put less effort into it because its locked down) and have you ever dated someone who was unemployed? Not fun.

I guess you're right. I've been in that situation before. Maye I'll give it a few more months but reallyby 4 months you should know if you want to be with someone or not.

....Notice she never answered my
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Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Incredible Power of the Human Mind!

(Written yesterday of course)

I woke up this morning, the first thought being.."Yay, its Wednesday! One more day of work! Woo hoo!!" The little voice in the back of my mind said "Silly, its not Wednesday."

It went on for like a minute until I fully had myself convinced it was Wednesday.

I looked at my phone, saw Tuesday and beat myself over the head with the pillow.

- just thought I'd share -

I feel so bad. I'm slow with my blog surfing. Forgive me! Muahz!
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Monday, September 21, 2009

Time is Like Holding Sand in Your Fist

This weekend was all about the gays,it seemed.

Friday night, I went to a mixer for a foundation I working with. In 2005, a gay teen was murdered. His dismembered body was found in separate garbage bags in th NYC subway. The murder is still unsolved. The foundation is in his honor to keep the NYPD interested in the case and to provide scholarships to LGBT youth going to college. The mixer was at the Rubin Museum of Art. Gorgeous museum. I'd never been there. I got there at 7, just in time to down 2 for 1 pomegranate martinis that tasted like ass but were potent. I hadn't eaten before I drank. Wooot! Afterwards, me teeter-tottering in my heels, SB and his ex-date I guess (date meaning they liked each other, went out a couple of times but for some reason or another, it didn't work out.) went searching for drinks and bbq. $3.50 margaritas and ribs for me. Love. The conversation quickly migrated to SB and why it didn't work out between them. SB delivered the best line of the night:

"Of course I want love! I've been looking for it. I've been single or 5 years. I should've killed myself by now!"

We walked from there to the Maritime Hotel where we met up with SB's roomie and another dude. I love the Maritime and if my bday was not in the winter time, we'd party on the rooftop. Gorgeous night! Gorgeous setting!

SB's ex date was so.....extra jealous. Every dude wanted SB and wasn't good enough for him. Bitter bitter bitter. I don't tolerate that from my female friends so experiencing that from a dude I just met...I wanted to run away.

We left and as we were walking to another club, I noticed it was late and I'd spent enough money. I was ready to go home. My chest was all open from the drinks. I was done.

SB said, "Women can't take being around fags too long. Its okay girl. We understand!"


Sunday, I woke up with my body hurting and nauseousness swirling around my head. I didn't go to church, opting to stay in bed til around 4pm. J text me asking if I was going to an event at the pier that night. I did but I had nothing to wear. No seriously. I washed a pair of jeans really quickly and ran to the laundromat to dry them. They were drying for 30 minutes when J came to pick me up. They were still so wet, I had to be resigned to wearing the clothes I had on.


I only went to see Vogue Evolution since they were performing. It was dope. I saw Dashaun. That's my baby. He is soooo fit now. Every muscle in his body is defined. Pony aka Devon is so weird. Idk something is off with him.

After the event, J dragged me and this chick Princess (because of her "cater to me" attitude) to a party at this butch lesbian's house. We walk in...I'm the only straight girl there. J is one of 2 dudes there. Usually, I'm really closed off and guarded around the aggressive lesbians I encounter but they were so cool, I was at ease. We didn't talk about sexuality really. It was great. I left picking up some of their mannerisms. Hilarity imagining myself as a tomboy again.

Today, I was supposed to go to the track. I want to run and get back in shape. I woke up at 8:30. The track closes to the public at 9. From then on, my body felt horrible. My voice sounds like a man. Idk what to do. Sit down or work out?

I stayed in the bed til 2 and was moving so slow getting out of the house. Editor says I've been running too hard. I can't afford it. I have $2.00 in my account. All my bills aren't paid. I'm drowning a lil bit. I felt like mold for staying in the bed all day I planning on going to bed at 1 and waking up at 8 to try and run. We'll see how that works out.
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Friday, September 18, 2009

Snapshot: Reminisce on Conversation w/Brother Wise

The smile on my face could light up Times Square as I basked in the sunshine of our conversation. That was the feeling I was missing. Liking someone.

Why is it that we could speak so freely in this space five years too late telling each other about love, lust, and desire? In our innocent cocoon of the internet, we came together.

Is it possible that we could utter those words to each other in the stillness of the night because the chances of us acting on them is slim to none? He makes me remember I'm a lady. He makes me feel precious, beautiful - shiny and new. The intensity of what I feel for him awakens in me a song of which the words I thought I'd forgotten.

How curious is it to want someone you can't have with the fervence I have for him yet not have an inkling of frustration out of not being able to attain it. This. Him and me.

"Why not?" she asked me. "Sometimes, love is not enough."
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Thursday, September 17, 2009

Snapshot: Lovers on the Train

I saw them, bodies intertwined tastefully as the tin can shook us as it transported us to our respective destinations. The look of love on their faces was undeniable. The happiness like a shroud over them, protecting them from the cold. The city's frigid nights were creeping upon us. Sometimes, they were frightening to face alone. They feared not. They had each other.

I sat in the corner watching them with part admiration, part bitterness enveloping me as I pulled my fuschia turtleneck over my neck and sneezed. No one wished me God's blessings.

He was so into her. She knew it as he watched her cross her legs. He placed an assured hand on her knee. She was his. She smiled at him as she spoke. There's something about the confidence of a woman in the presence of a man who desires her. Her head never bows, her eyes never look down unless in faux abashment.

I watched them from my corner seat of the train as the Autumn chill whirled around my head pretending I did not see. I pretended to not remember being there in the place in which they resided. I pretended to not wish for that again.

In the moment though, I saw them and they saw nothing else - no one else but each other.
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I Want You

Yes, it is 5:30am

I've spent the last 3 hours in crazy conversations with myself and others.

At 2, I realized sleep wasn't coming and so, I hopped out of bed with the intention of getting some market research done.

It started with Sparrow. He's a friend from Junior High. He's a singer now and he hit me up on FB. I started listening to his youtube videos. He's soooo good!

Then Brother Wise hit me up...oh man oh man.

Brother Wise.
Brief background.
Had a major thing for him in college. We almost slept together one night. (No condom. No nookie.) As I slept, he watched me. (Creepy but cute.) The next day, he didn't speak to me. He felt like he almost violated me and that I was too precious for that. (No, he's not gay) He said that I'm younger than his younger brother and that was effing with him plus he was trying not to fornicate. (He's really spiritual). »FFWD» We kept in touch. His girlfriend committed suicide. He was sooooooo broken up over that. »FFWD» He became a teacher. He met someone. They had a child together. They broke up. Drama. »FFWD» I told him I loved him in a hear-wrenching convo 2 years ago. He loves me back but STILL doesn't want to go there. »FFWD» We still keep in touch but dance around the "I love you" thing.

We talked about everything. About this generation of boys in skinny jeans, music, masculinity, his son break dancing and saying imagination as " jin ban tation", slavery, everything...

Somehow (!!) we started talking about celibacy. Mine. He said he was celibate a few years ago but it didn't work. Clearly because he has a child after he ended his celibacy. (smh) I said that I've reverted back to basic means of affection and that I want to hold hands, hug, cuddle. He said he loves doing those things. Girls don't seem to appreciate them anymore, he said. I remember. I told him I would go visit him in CT to hold hands. I meant to say cuddle but the convo kept flowing. I corrected myself and he was like "oh." Then he said..........

BW: I don't think I can handle that.
Me: What?
BW: Cuddling. I can hold your hand. I can hug you. I can't cuddle with you.
Me: Why not? I'm harmless. I'm a bunny rabbit.
BW: Think about what you just said. That's why not.

(Hump like rabbits...get it)

Me: Oh. I meant bunny rabbit as in cute and cuddly.
BW: You are cute. Cuddly idk
Me: :-o
BW: No offense, when I think cuddly, I think pillows, blankets...things made out of cotton not ebony skin
Me: That's ironic. When I think of cotton, I think of ebony skin. Bad joke. Sorry


BW: I'm intimidated by you.
Me: (in my head I'm like :-O)
BW: But, I'm not a pussy. I'm not gay. I just know being next to you like that....
Me: No. I know you're no punk. I think it takes a mature man to know his boundaries. In the back of my mind, I'm still like...I want to cuddle.
BW: Yea Young Jones...

Me: You make me :), lol
BW: Yea, you make me l-o-l smiley face, too
Me: hahahahaha
BW: You're a cute sexy chocolate delicious angry bunny (the angry was because I told him I was going to teleport and kick his butt about something he said..I was like uh oh, I'm an angry bunny now, lol)
Me: Aren't you a charmer?
BW: Thank you for giving me a reason to be charming.
Me: I just realized, I don't think I can handle cuddling either.
(I shouldve pulled out at 3 letter sentence...but I didn't. "I want you." I think those are the sexiest 3 words you can say to any human being. Oh man!)

Why do I have the overwhelming urge to book a train ticket?!

I wish FB let you save convos...oh em gee....

I'm having dangerous thoughts...I remember from that one night...dude is packing some serious artillery. A bunny like me will get hurt.

Oooh weeeee....out of control!
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Mind Escapes Me

I have lots to blog about but I just didn't feel like it...

Selfish of me. I know. Sorry.

Life moves quickly and I sometimes wonder if I'm in the fast lane going slow. I see and feel the other cars moving past me but I'm not even driving.

Does that even make sense?

I'm talking to some new dude. Its funny. I never mention talking to a dude to anyone until its been a month or two. I hate being asked..."What happened?" Boo.Hiss.Boo.

This dude has written a book on dating and relationships. I have to cop it. Afterwards, we'll see if I'll still be talking to him. I do like him because he's real and he's inspiring me to be better than I am. He doesn't know it. I'll never tell...well never is strong but...whatevs

Moniker for him..hmmm.....Carter. Idk why...I just like it. Lol.

Three things bother me about him:

1. I'm no small fry. I'm a size 18/20. He talks a lot about women being fat and stuff. Umm..yea

2. He has a youtube channel where he gives advice as well and I doooo not like a man that talks too much. *surprisingly enough, I asked Afroman about it. He said maybe that's his only outlet.

3. He talks about sex and God. Like..."God wants us to be happy. Sex makes me happy..." He does talk about being responsible. Yadda yadda. I just don't know how I feel about that.

We'll see where that leads. He's in South Carolina. In in BK. Umm, yea.
"Nina, you can have sex tonight if you wanted to," Twin said that to me a couple of days ago. "You've got dick right next door. I know gay guys that would fuck you. Stop frontin like you can't fuck."

(Damn Twin!)

I suppose he's right. Its so easy to fall into old habits...having sex to fill voids where insecurities, loneliness and unfulfilled in other areas of my life lay.

"All it takes is one phone call..." I just tweeted that and got a barrage of angry tweets from people I have to call back (lol) or curious folks wanting to know what I mean and other folks implying their own meaning.

I've been having dreams about an ex. He's been on my mind lately. I don't know why. I'm so scared for him - all the time. He's a crip. He has been since he was 11. Now he's 24. He's an OG. Sometimes, I don't want to be seen with him. I get scared. I don't want some gang garbage to pop off. Every month it seems like some "friend" of his is dying. I can't....

I actually got a cold. I've been sniffling all week...another reason I haven't been blogging. (Look at me finding excuses)

I can kiiinda taste and kiiiinda smell. Yay for me! I'm a winner!

You guys can tell this post is mad random and really just my unfiltered thoughts. If I weren't "anonymous" I'd vlog buuuuut I! Lol

I think its important to break out of the "weekend recap" blogging. Bleh

I'm searching for something. I'm searching for that someone to make me complete. Cheese-ball. Yes. But, this week I've felt it so much. Must be the cold. When you're sick and there's no one there to fetch your tea, sucks giant monkey balls!

I keep telling myself I'll get over it. I'm not so sure. This is why I'm scared I'll break my celibacy to fill that lonely void...even just for a moment. Ugh!

I haven't been kissed since January...I'm about to start kissing random strangers in the street. Mess around and catch TB

Went to this dope party last night. It was hosted by Perez Hilton and sponsored by Alize at this warehouse type thing.

Funny part is...the outside looked so crappy. The inside was amazing. It was lined in sequins or reflective tile. DJ was hot. Free drinks were floooowing. Lady Gaga, Paris Hilton was there. Perez took pics with my friends. He had on a daggone Mickey Mouse shirt, no pants, and Nike dunks. Word, Perez? I was so not feeling well but felt like I needed to go. I wasn't taking pics with anyone.I was in a mood what you're famous...Friends said this photog was staring at me. He took a pic. I know I look crazy. My make-up has been off. Lol. I don't care. My off-make-up is better than some people's ON. Cocky. Yes. You love it.

I'm working on a line of make-up bags and T-shirts. That's some exclusive talk right there....

Hard to do things brooooooke. My paycheck comes tomorrow and I will have zero dinero. Uggggghhhhhh!

Brokeness!! Brokeness!!

Trying to make connects. Sometimes I feel like I'm trying but not hard enough because my mind floats away like a child that gets easily distracted at times. What I want to do is bigger than me.

BFF and I went out for drinks Monday night....Day 1 of my cold where I still had tastebuds. She was 30 minutes late because she was meeting up with Punjabi. She didn't lie to me about it but she wasn't truthful. (Where I was standing, she would have to pass me in order to get to the restaurant. She calls me and she's already there. I asked how did she not pass me. She said she didn't know. She kept smiling and texting. I grabbed her phone...mad texts from dude about how good she looked that night. Busted! He drove her.) Then when she got caught, she was smug. Like, yes...he was sitting in his car. You walked right past him. I was so hurt. I literally was about to cry. You make me wait in the cold to be with this dude?? After you didn't do squat the whole day.....that moment I changed. Our relationship changed I think. Like...I said to myself, I can't love someone else that much anymore. I can't love BFF so ferociously where I want better for her than she wants for herself. I'm tired.
I want to distance myself because I can't watch the foolishness and obviously, my intervention attempts don't work. At the same time, if I distance myself, she'll go closer to Punjabi. Damned if you do. Damned if you don't. Any suggestions on what I should do?

Are we liking the stream-of-consciousness blogging? I think you get to see more of my personality and it gets better the more you
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Thursday, September 10, 2009


I'm in limbo...not in a comfortable spot professionally.

I literally cried this morning when I got off the phone with a bill collector asking me to pay them $50 a paycheck to pay off a $3,000 credit card debt. That's basically my "food" money. Starving artist...for reals.

I remember when $50 was nothing. It was not even enough to get my hair done. Now...I'm like FIFTY DOLLARS! Lol

*le sigh*

I get dressed and made-up to leave the house and it makes me feel better for a minute although my make-up is diminishing day by day. This lady sitting next to me on the train is staring at me....for like 20 minutes. I look at her, she rolls her eyes. What the fucking fuck? (My favorite line fro StepBrothers)

I guess this post will be everywhere. I really feel like crying today. Not being where you want to be and trying to change it is hard business.

Thinking of a master plan cause ain't nothing but sweat in the palm of my hand.

I believe in God. I believe He helps us but I also believe that we've got to put some motion into it. He doesn't just make it rain (dollars).
I need a Divine Intervention right now.

It could always be worse. I'm not on the street or begging for change on the train. How would that look- full face of make-up begging for

I'm trying not to fall into a depression. I feel myself sliding into one..fighting fighting fighting...

I have more but ehhhh maybe lateer.
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My problem in relationships is that I'm not selfish enough.

Yup. You read that right.

I'm a giver. That's in ALL of my relationships...professional, friendships, everything.

And I was thinking about this all day and really....I'm going to start putting myself first.

I'm a good woman. I deserve to be courted. I deserve to be wooed, to be told I'm beautiful, to be DESIRED.

Trish is right. Afroman, Aussie...I made it too easy. I gave them convenient sex and a hot meal.

Fuuuuck that.

Which reminds me. Gi. I could have back-slapped her yesterday. She's been dating this dude who is trying to be an actor. He's out of work. They've been chilling really heavy. I told her they should slow up because that's how she gets attached quickly. She tells me how they talk about sex a lot (initiated by her) and how she can tell he's working with a lot. I raise my eyebrow. I tell her she needs to control herself. That its really up to us (women) to control the sexual pace because (most) men will have sex but will they call the next day - doubtful. She told him that she doesn't want to have sex til they're in a relationship. He respects that. I'm like..Gi, ease up on the sex talk because you're sending mixed messages and you're going to have your mind going some place it shouldn't go.

No one effing listens to me!

Yesterday, she tells me she slept with him on Sunday. The Lawwwwwd's day, lol.

Then, she found out that he didn't tell his mother he was seeing someone and she doesn't want to go to his house to chill (he lives w/mom).

He said..."Its only been a month. He didn't want to tell his mom when they don't have a title and he's not sure how it will work out."


Gi is hurt. She won't admit it but she's sensitive and she's like...well, we slept together.

*le sigh*

I told her to fall back.

She said she would and she wasn't going to sleep with him again until they do have a title.

I know she will sleep with him again. I know how this will end. She said..."I was trying not to make the same mistakes...."

*le sigh*

Not saying I'm any better but geeez louiiiiseeeeee! We really see other people's situations better than out own for real.
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Wednesday, September 9, 2009

My Life: The Great Monet

He called this morning as I was getting dressed for the day. He has a knack for catching me off guard.

"I want to hang out," I said.

"I don't hang out. I don't want to spend money. "

"I didn't ask you to spend money. We can do free things around the city."

"Well, what do you want to do?"

"I'm not sure. We'll figure something out. Have you ever been to Roosevelt Island?"


"Oh'll be fun."

Blah blah blah...Friday night. On one hand, I'm excited. Its an actual date...the last one I was on, didn't end so well...but, I'm kinda turned off.

Yes, its a recession. Yes, I applaud the black man for saving his money to get to where he wants to go but...I feel like he's put me in this category because he thinks I like ballers. Or it could be this pedestal where he feels like that's what I deserve.

At the same time, if you don't have creative if this is something or someone you want.

Either way, I've got some questions for him. I am willing to put in the effort but I've been there before and I'm not about to go back to a one-sided relationship, a fwb situation is out of the question and I'm really not down for the bullcaka...

I asked my friend what she thought.

She said: Hmmm. I can understand why you'd be turned off. Even if you prove you're not that kind of chick, it's still going to be in the back of his head. He has to become secure in himself. He's obviously insecure not just b/c of the type of woman he thinks you are, but in himself not being able to do and have the life he wants or feels he should have

Me: So what do you suppose I do? Leave it alone?

Friend: That would be for you to decide. If you're getting turned off now, maybe that is a red flag for you. Take all flags as a lesson. When you have to question, it might not be for you...

Me: True. Its in such a pretty package, I want it to be!

We'll see....
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Jill Scott Singing to Me...

"I wonder if he's thinking of me...and if so why am I feeling so lonely...Alone to the bone by the phone. "

I called Martian last night. He didn't pick up. I left an awkward message. Still waiting for him to call me back.

I am not one for the games. I let people know right away if I'm feeling them or not because its just easier that way.

In my 9 months of celibacy, I've learned the meaning of intimacy and affection. I have not shared the intimate details of my life with anyone. I have not been affectionate with anyone. 9 months without a kiss. I think about Martian and I see myself about to jump on him but I won't because in a way, I've reverted to the time before sex was an option.

I want the simple things...hold my hand, put your arm around me, show me you care, pick me a damn flower! I have no idea how I will react to being touched....

Frickin loneliness is noooot cool! I'm patient (kinda) and I will give it a week (probably). I have lots of things on my mind (as always) and have things to occupy my time...funny how he keeps creeping in...

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Monday, September 7, 2009

I'm Contemplating Suicide or Mass Murder

All this week, I've gone to bed no earlier than 5am, worrying about the shoot...its finally here. I force myself to sleep and doze off at abt 2 or 3.I wake up at 6. I'm up an at 'em from 7:30am on my feet til 9pm. All I can think about is my bed. I get home and....

My effing neighbor is having a blow-out bash in her backyard. Guess what my bedroom window leads to...

The music is so loud I can't escape it no matter which part of the house I'm in. Lol @ me saying that like my 1-bedroom is that big...

I literally started crying. What the eff man...???
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Friday, September 4, 2009

What Men Think About Women, Women Think About Men and The Truth

The last time I saw him, the wind knipped at us as we struggled against the change of seasons to get in some small talk. I couldn't hide my excitement for him. It had been a while. J was dropping me off at home. He was leaving from seeing his mother. It was a chance meeting, one of those coincidences for which you are ever so thankful.

He'd put on weight, a beard. When did he become a man? I guess at the same time I became a woman. Seemingly overnight, what had taken years to transpire seemed to have blossom. He was sexy.

He had to go and I was about catch frostbite. I gave him my number and he promised to call. I was geeked.

"Damn, bitch, that's my type," J said to me as I got back into the car. I was eager to hear from him.

He never called.

I'd speak to his mother and she would tell me how he would ask about me. He would tell her how he would wife me. I told her I wouldn't believe her anymore. Not unless he would call me.

He still never called.

She told me he kept coming by to see me and I would never be home.
Can this man call me please!?! Sheesh! (Lol)

Monday, she told me he would be over on Thursday. Excited, I thought about what I would say, wear, think, feel. Thursday came and he never came by.

Today, I woke up, showered, threw on clothes and ran out the door. I realized it was a bit too hot for jeans and as I walked back to my house, I saw her.

"Stand right there," she said. She ran into the house and he walked out.

Black shirt, blue jeans, sexy.
It was....awkward.

There was so much I wanted to say. He was conflicted. I could see. He needed to keep an eye on his mother. He wanted to talk to me.

The first thing he said, "How is that dude in the RX8?"

I laughed, "That's what kind of car that is?"

He threw me off guard.

"That's my friend." I gave him a weird look. He dismissed it. We talked for a short time. I took his number.

"So, you have my number now. Are you going to use it?"

"Yes and now you have mine. I just text you so you need to use it. If not, I'm going to beat you up and trust me, you'll like it."

"Is that an invitation?"


"Do you know what I'm talking about?"

I laughed.

"How old are you?"


"I'm 23. I'm not a child. I know what I'm saying."

I went into my apartment. He stood there staring at me. I played it off like I didn't see.

When I got inside, I did the craziest spazstic was hilarious.

Thinking about it later, maybe I was a bit forward. I'm going to give him the name Martian. Martian doesn't know...I will tear him apart. Limb by

Idk, what do ya'll think? Was I too forward? I want a relationship!
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Thursday, September 3, 2009

What Men Tell Us + What We Believe + The Truth

BFF got into a rather nasty discussion with her estranged husband who refuses to sign divorce papers. He told her that he had some other chick that is spending $8k on him for his bday and he didn't understand why, although she's not working, she can't spend money on True Religion jeans for him.

Pissed, she set out to the Diamond District, set on pawning the wedding ring he gave her.

He told her he spent thousands on it.

She believed him. He was making money AND they'd been together 5 years before they'd gotten married.

The truth: the stone quality was so bad, no one would give her more than $250 for it. She went to 5 places and they all told her the same thing.

She's hell bent on making him sign the divorce decree. She's so disgusted. I don't think its funny but I did chuckle. He has such an inflated sense of himself and the truth is so juvenile. This is a major example of that.
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Six weeks ago, today, I was let go from a job that I didn't love but loved the paycheck each week.

I freaked out.

I made a decision. My passion would be my career.

Its been tough. I've cried bitter tears. I've doubted everything but in the midst of all of this, I'm farther than some. In such a short time, my portfolio has expanded. I have some stuff on the calendar. Even without the money. In six weeks, I bought myself 1 skirt (that I wore on a shoot for $12) and 1 pair of sandals ($9). And although there are a few pairs of badass shoes I want, I can truly say, I'm.....happy.

Last night, I ran into my mom. She said I lost weight. I laughed, saying, "Brokeness will do that to you."

"You're not broken."

She's right.
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Doors + Windows

I've really been struggling with wondering where money is going to come from...what am I going to do with my career...what direction am I going in....

This summer has been the best and worst some of my life. This year has been the best and worst of my life. I feel as though God was breaking me down little by little and maybe this is the rebuilding.

I got a call today. There are some big things in the horizon for me and the hair/stylist team I'm apart of. I'm excited! But, yet I'm holding back. I don't want to say everything and then it falls through. I'm so cautious with certain things. I have to be.
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Wednesday, September 2, 2009


Last year as the snow hit the ground, she looked like me: round, plump, healthy. All the while, she fought the demons within her or rather, she hid them well. She is now stick thin. Her movements, a staccato melody. She walks quickly as if she's trying to get over in more ways than one.

She says that she can talk to me freely. She can tell in my eyes there is no judgment and that unlike my mom, I don't make her cry. I can not bear to tell her that I judge not because I think she is lost dancing to the rhythm the syringe plays as she jabs it into her arms daily. I see her for what she is, an addict.

But he loves her. Flesh of her flesh, she birthed him into this world and he will not accept the tombstone she inscribes her name into on the daily. Valiantly, he fights for her. He wrestles with the demons surrounding her as he tries to pierce the darkness that encompasses her.

And I love him for that. How cliche is it to have had this crush on the boy next door since '98. Although a decade plus has gone by, I still pine for him like I did in high school. Mind racing, butterflies fluttering at a quick hello, a rushed goodbye. He is my eternal dreamboat.

Yet, I feel like I am an untouchable. A dating parriah; it is a fate I can not escape. But, I wish for things to be different.

I think about the day her life will come to an end. Who will pick up the pieces of his shattered life? Who will hold him as he cries for a mother he lost in the Winter? I want it to be me. But can I give that? I owe him as much of me as I can muster. I fear it is not enough.

I have impeccable timing.
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Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Catch-Up Pt. Deux

Clearly, Punjabi didn't listen.

Anyway, he goes home laaate to an angry woman. Why was she angry? Well, because he told her that he went to a club in Queens. So, she went to all the clubs he could possibly have gone to looking for him. Obviously,he wasn't there. To make matters worse, when he was helping BFF up to her place, she got make-up all over his shirt. She told him to put the shirt in his trunk. No, he puts the shirt in the hamper as soon as he gets home. She finds it. She goes off and leaves.


Honestly, this weekend belonged to BFF. Friday - Sunday, all BFF, all the
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Let's Play Catch-Up

Life is really hectic lately...but let me try and do some updates...

Friday, BFF had a get-together for her birthday. It was supposed to be different flavors of mojitos, Karaoke, and good friends.

It turned out being us (me, her and 2 other people) watching Public Enemies on umm-dvd- flavored mojitos and her other not showing up til 11:45pm.

The actual day of her birth, Punjabi was going to take her out on a boat but the passing storm ix-nayed that idea. She wanted sushi from an upscale restaurant. Originally, they were supposed to leave at 7. He made reservations for 8. Transforming Trina was taking longer than usual. She told him at 6pm (!!!) that she wouldn't be ready til 8. He never changed the reservations because he thought she would still be ready at 7. Yea, I'm not seeing the logic there either but she looked stunning! I clean up her apartment a bit and go home.

»»» FFWD
The whole day was spent waiting on BFF hand and foot really. Helping her shop for a cute purse-shoe-necklace combo, going through her clothes for an outfit, doing make-up, etc. I was beat. I hit the sheets at around 10:30 in the midst of my REM sleep, around 3:20am, the phone jolts me awake.
Its Punabi.

*frog in the throat* "Hello"
"Hey Nina, are you awake?"
*annoyed* "No, what's wrong?"
"Trina's sick. Too much to drink. "Can you come over and take care of her?"
"Be there in 5minutes."

I was up, dressed and outside just as he pulled up.

The ride over, he's nervous. He knows I hate him.

"I told you to take care of my girl. What happened?"
"I think it was something she ate. She threw up as we left the club, downstairs bathroom, upstairs bathroom. I tried to clean it up as much as could. You should go behind me and clean again." *as he's doing 90mph on residential roads.
"Trina's throwing up that much?? Omg...I'm scared."
"Don't be. People eat bad food and they drink and throw up. Simple."

I wanted to give him a tongue-lashing but I just ice-grilled him. As I jerk with every stop and this why BFF was sick in the first place?

I get there, I clean up behind him. Its not that bad...he did the hardest part - getting her up the stairs. BFF is 120lbs but dead weight going up 3 flights of stairs - noooooot cool. Lol. She's still in her dress and make-up laying on her couch with a comforter over her.

*slurred speech* "Oh thank you for coming. I love you. I really do!"

I get her bread and water. She tells me in her groggy slurred speech what really happened. Because the next table wouldn't be available til 11 at the original restaurant, they went to a different restaurant. The food and drinks there were overpriced and they were disappointed.

Punjabi took her to this club he researched. Pacha...
Now, if you're gay and from NYC, you KNOW Pacha is gay club here. It was the hot spot last summer. This summer, not so much. I know this because I'm a big hag. Lol. They don't know this because they're clueless. They kind of got the clue when only dudes were there and it was relatively empty.

They left and she had a choice...Queens club or NYC club. She wanted to go to Queens but he was like, "We're close to Duvet (NYC) let's go there."

They go and as they're standing on on line, he has to make his phone call to his woman. (Ugh!) A group of dudes in a car hit on her. She resists. They call her a bitch and drive off. The line is ridiculously long and it starts to rain. They were standing in the rain for a while and the bouncer tells them if they buy bottle service, they can skip the line.

A bottle is $400-$450. Its for a bottle they can get in a liquor store for 10% of what the club charges.


She tells him the last time she had Grey Goose was the last 2 times she ended up with her head in
a toilet and she didn't want to revisit that.

To be continued...
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