Wednesday, January 16, 2013
I understand that what we want changes over time. It is as human as how our favorite song evolves once we hear new songs or our needs evolve as we get older. At this juncture in my life, I’m not quite sure what it is I want from a relationship. If, a relationship at all. Some think that I have given up on love. By some, I mean the bickering voices in my head that tell me conflicting things. The need, the desire to be loved is constant. It is poignant. It is something that can not be ignored. What happens when it has for a long time? Does the human spirit just eat itself, like someone lost in the wild without food that makes the choice to eat his own hand or face death? At times, I feel like I have given up on love in the way that a child throws a tantrum and says that they are no longer your friend. Or maybe, I’m playing hide and seek with love. I was the one that was tagged “it” and love had a really great hiding place. The areas where I thought love lay; it was just its cousins, infatuation, lust and possession. So, where am I now? I’m not quite sure. I feel like I’m waiting for something big to happen. For someone to rattle me to the core. Someone who will make me change everything that I’ve known or thought or felt. I’ve never really wanted a grandiose expression of said love, just an inkling for me to know that it is there. Willing. Waiting eagerly for me to recognize it and that it was not hiding all along.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
I think about blogging all the time. My life is ever shifting. My personality changing. My character becoming something molded by my experiences – the things I see and the people around me. Lately, I’ve been tired of everything around me. I’m starting to hate NYC, the closer I get to my trip to Europe. On the train, there were 3 people begging back to back, loud obnoxious kids and a black dude rapping along with his iPod only to the words that included “nigga.” I cringed every 5 seconds when he said it. Are other places like this? I haven’t been sleeping well lately, relying on Pepsi and Starbucks to keep me awake during the day. My anxiety/insomnia keeps me awake at night. My eczema is horrible now. Every day at work since a week before Black Friday, there has been some new drama at work. It keeps getting progressively worse. Are other jobs like this? I like a guy who has canceled his plans with me 3 times in a row, yet I still am there, texting him and making future plans. In his defense, he’s a freelancer and he doesn’t quite know when his next check is coming from. So, he gets jobs unexpectedly and he has to do it. Meh. In my defense, it helps me to not get so attached to him because in the back of my mind, I’m leaving for Europe and I may not come back home. I’m seriously bringing resumes with me. There’s so much to catch you guys up on. Hopefully, I have the energy to do it.