Friday, August 31, 2012

the juggler

i feel like i have so many plates spinning at one time. i'm tired. my body hurts. i have a laundry list of things to do and my boss told me she doesn't feel like i'm i don't care about the job.

i don't. this makeup line isn't for me and i feel the pressure to sell it is ridiculous because i'm not passionate about it. it's also not very popular so i find myself trying to convince people to buy it. the hours are crazy. i work 6 days straight to have 1 day off and then another couple days stretch to have 1 day off. the body doesn't get to recuperate. it sucks so bad.

 i just want to make money to pay for what it is i really want to do with my life.

i haven't really been liking my job for a while now but with everything i have going on, i don't know if i have the energy to look for another one. on the other hand, i feel like i need a regular 9-5 where i sit on my butt all day and don't think about anything.

i get up after 4-5 hours of sleep, go to work, stand on my feet all day and beg women to buy makeup then i come home and work on book stuff til the wee hours of the morning....rinse and repeat.

i really don't know where i'm going to pull the time and energy from to find something else.

in good news,

i bought my plane ticket. i'm going to london january 31 - feb 10. from there, i will go to paris and italy. i might try and see ireland too. maybe.

my book is done. it is in the editing process. it should reach the publisher by sept. 15
it is really hard because i want it to be a bestseller. writing the book was easy. getting people interested in it enough to pub it for me has been difficult.

so, the book process, planning my european trip, having a full-time job, dealing with the aftermath of my grandma's estate, friends,'s a lot.

i'm not sure how to handle it all.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

coping mechanisms

this week was pure stress getting my grandmother's arrangements together.
i can't even tell you all that goes into making sure a loved one is sent away properly but i will say at the end of it all, we made sure that she had a dignified service and burial. i couldn't have done it without my mom.

my brother, the youngest one is 31 years old. he might as well be 13. he did really nothing to help and complained the entire time while me and my mom are running wild trying to get things done he's like... i'm hungry. i'm sleepy. i'm blah blah blah. we were in the car: me, mom and bro and we're trying to get my grandmother's clothes together that she was going to be buried in and the entire car ride, he complained. i looked in him his eyes and i said as loud as i could, SHUT UP! i really wanted to throw the f-bomb in there but my mom was around. he kept touching me..hugging me and playing with my hair and stuff....for like 2 days straight. i don't particularly like to be touched. so, i was like  STOP TOUCHING ME! she was're so mean. on another ocassion, when she first told me about my grandmother dying....i didn't cry. my reaction was pure business like....ok, what do we have to do? she was like, why are you so cold?

so, i'm cold and mean.
and pretty much everyone concurred.
but they did also add that i'm polite.
i'm polite as a motherfucker.
if that's any consolation.

(it's not)

people don't understand that grief shows itself in many ways. and, i don't get how they want me to be weepy and inconsolable one minute but be on top of the arrangements and keep it together the next.
my mother called me a robot.

yea, i'm a robot that couldn't sleep at night, woke up crying when i did and basically felt the weight of a $7,000 funeral on my shoulders.

needless to was a rough week, man.
my brothers and aunt left hours ago.
brock had been texting me all weekend to come over and fuck him. i decided that....having sex with dk was a great coping mechanism when my gma first died. it made me forget about the stress and emotional turmoil at least for the night. he held me tight and i got the best sleep i'd had all week.
as soon as they left, i called brock and went over to his house.

it is a really nice house.
i didn't get a tour. i came in through the back door which led straight to his bedroom.
we sat and talked about music for like 5 minutes and then he kissed me.

brock's lips are twice the size of mine and they are awesome. he did everything really well.
his penis is not as large as dk's but he knows how to work it better. he was adventurous and he worked my ass like a rag doll. it was good.

but then, he mentioned earlier that he had a work call at 9. we finished at 8:45ish. he asked me how i was getting home because of his call and such.
so, i put on my clothes and called a cab. he didn't even wait with me while the cab came.
i feel kind of empty inside...something i never felt after sex with dk.
he cuddles me and we talk and he insists that i spend the night. i've never really had sex and bounced immediately afterward.

i called dk when i got home and i wanted to talk to him but i got a feeling he didn't want to talk to me. he was like..

dk: how was your week?
me: crazy...yours?
dk: mine was good. why was it crazy?
me: i buried my grandmother.
dk: oh yea, how was that?
me:: i'll call you back later.

how was burying my grandmother?
it was freakin awesome!!!
how can someone be so tender and yet so clueless at the same time?

i want brock's sex game with dk's cuddle sessions and the ability to feel comfortable talking.
and dates. lots and lots of dates......

i was talking to my aunt about men because she asked me why don't i have a bf. i said, i'm sick of games. i'm too old to be wasting my time on dead-end relationships. i want a family.
my aunt is almost 50. she's dating a younger man, he's 42. she was talking to me about the same shit i blog about. she said...26, 32, 42, 60...they all do the same shit.

how depressing  is that!!?!

my friends were all over the place this week. i felt very much alone 90% of the time. i guess i just need to get used to it. grandma's best friend is still alive. they weren't holding hands in the casket. born alone. die alone yes? yes.

Monday, August 13, 2012


if you haven't seen this should! it is so cute and it has been one of the few movies that has kept me completely engaged the whole time and kept my mind off of grieving.

it's about this company that puts a timer in your arm that counts down the time til you meet The One. the main girl Oona is obsessed with her timer fearing she will never find him. it's sooo good.

i bought a netflix subscription because i still don't have cable and it was a whimsical thing to do. i found this on there and it was amazing.

what else is there to say??
my brothers and aunt are coming in to town tomorrow. i gotta make sure my house is clean.
the funeral is on friday.
my godbaby started walking.
the bestie hasn't really been THERE for me but i'm not surprised.

i slept with dk last night. (yay to 3 day periods!)
i haven't had sex since march. (i think. or was it april? if i have to think that hard, it's bad)
the sex was good as always but he held me all night. he made me  feel really small. i missed big hands, big arms and being little spoon to someone's big spoon.
this morning, i wanted to run away because i'm not sure about who/what i am to him and if the answer is's fine. i just want to know. part of me doesn't want to go back there with him, i'm bored but it is safe.

the other part wouldn't mind being bored because i can always find a way to entertain myself. ;)

i wish i had a freaking timer!

i will chalk up last night to the grieving process.

Saturday, August 11, 2012

life and death

my grandma died this morning at 3:58 am.
she was the last of my blood relatives on my mother's side.
i am angry and sad and aside from getting all her funeral arrangements together during the day, i spent all night watching movies and sending dirty texts to dk.

i want to run.
i want to have sex.
i want to forget my world exists for a little while.

i can't run. it's dark out.
i can't have sex. i have my period.
i can't forget.

i feel the outpouring of love all around me like a force field or like i am in a bubble and it is surrounding me but not touching me because i still feel very alone.
i'm sitting alone in my room with my laptop and cell phone.

i would love it if dk would just put his arms around me and kiss me on my neck and tell me it's going to be ok.
but he wants me to wear sexy lingerie and fuck him like a whore.

i don't know what i was thinking. i really shouldn't be alone right now.

but no one told me that early enough for me to go to anyone's house to spend the night.
so, i'm alone in the dark wondering what my next move will be.