Thursday, December 15, 2011

Prayer Changes Thangs

Hey Boos!!
Thank you for your prayers...I didn't realize you guys left comments because for some reason, my comments weren't going to my email.


They worked!!!!

I got the job!! I will be making $4 more per hour + 3% commission on everything I sell.

So.....I made $202,202 at the current job in 5 months. That translated to $303 each week extra I could've been paid.

I'm excited and a little scared. Commission sales are hard. The chicks at my job went IN and we weren't getting paid on comm. I'm pretty sure I can do the job and do it well but I will go from training folks to being trained. To knowing every aspect of the job to not knowing anything at all.

All these what-ifs are clouding my head...what if I get fired for not making sales? What if no one likes me? What if? What if? What if?

I've been relying on prayer to get me through most days lately...prayer will definitely see me through. What-ifs paralyze us. I'm done with being stuck. do I tell my boss I want to leave? And before Secret Santa happens? And my gratis (free stuff) is almost within my reach as well....AND I love my Account Exec from Clinique. How do I tell her I'm leaving but want to maintain my relationship with her. So many questions.....*le sigh*

I'm sure it will all get sorted out somehow.


I vow to post at least 2 -3 times per week.

I wasn't blogging as much because my life has really been uneventful. I need to make some events happen.

Soooo...I've been a little under the weather this week. I went to the grocery store yesterday and I bought some soup, Theraflu and orange juice. When I checked my balance later on in the day, I was in the negative the amount of money the groceries cost...which was funny because I had more than enough in my account.

I called Chase.
"Oh, Department of Taxation and Finance (IRS) seized the funds in your account because you owe $1027 in taxes.

Many things ran through my mind...oh my account is frozen. My check is being direct deposited. I'll have no money....

"I won't know more until tomorrow. Call back, ma'am"

I hung up and was a little more than worried. Why the eff would they do this around Christmas time?

Last year, I was on Unemployment. The nice folks at UI did not take out federal taxes even though I opted to have taxes taken out. Apparently, they only take out state and not federal taxes. Oh...the idocy. So.....I ended up owing $900 in taxes. Wouldn't common sense say that if someone is on unemployment benefits, they can't afford to pay $900 in taxes immediately? No. No? Ok. Here's where I effed up at....I pushed it in the back of my mind.

We're in a recession...the federal government is not playing with its money. So, I will call them tomorrow and get a payment plan poppin.

In the meantime, my direct deposit should be available to me as my account is not frozen...
What's messing me up is account is overdrawn, a payment to my gas company was rejected and my phone bill is coming out + i have gifts to buy...i will have little money to work with this week. Crayyyyy....

Tuesday, December 13, 2011


Every day I complain about work on Twitter.  I didn't realize this until one of my followers volunteered to pray for me. Crazy.

On my day off yesterday, I prayed a small prayer asking God to help me find something better and give me favor with my applications I'm sending so that I can move forward.

Last week, a girl who works at Chanel quit. She found a job at Macys paying $20 per hour + 3% commission on everything she sells. She's working for a pretty expensive brand and so...she could easily take home an extra thousand each week. Crazy. I had been wrestling within myself between loyalty to this company and their promises of a raise in January and starting over. When I thought about it...I knew what I had to do but I really just didn't want to....

I created an awesome cover letter, updated my resume and fired it off to Macys and Bloomingdales.

Today, Twin called as he always does at the butt crack of 9am. I ignored his call since I didn't technically have to be at work until 1:15 and up out of bed til 11:30. The phone rang again. It was Macy's!  They wanted an interview. Thursday. At 5! Yes. Yes. Yes.

The lady said something interesting. She said that they wanted to interview me before (probably 6 months ago when I was still looking) but for some reason, the interview email didn't go through.

Honestly, I think it was God's doing. 6 months ago, I had no retail experience. I had no knowledge of how a cosmetics counter worked, the dynamics of the business, marketing or anything. In 6 months, I have learned so much. Ive done everything I was asked...from training people to business reports...not because of any reason except that I needed that bullet point on my resume. And I'm hoping those bullet points equal dollar bills.
There were no hangers available in the locker room. I put my coat in an empty locker. When I went to retrieve it, my coat was missing. I searched high and low. Someone moved my coat out of the locker and into the Loss Prevention office. Why? I don't know. As I was searching, the locker my coat was in was still empty. There were other things in presumed empty lockers. Why was my coat moved?

No one knows. I'm sick of the senseless shit that goes down.

If I stay...because in my head...they're going to beg me to stay....I want to be in the buying office. Or at a job where I sit at a desk job.
And get paid more.

Last week my boss said I need to dress more professionally and less edgy. I bought 2 pairs of pants and a blazer on sale and at the Salvation Army for $60 and I have to eat soup for the rest of the week. The first day wearing the blazer, I was color-matching a makeup and the makeup exploded as soon as I squeezed it and got all over me. So, you want me to dress like a fashion model when my clothes are just going to be ruined!? And really, who am I impressing?  I don't care.

So.. I hope I ace this interview and can give my notice before the year is out. Pray for me! Clearly, it works! Who applies for a job at 9:30 at night and gets a call back the next morning?

Saturday, November 26, 2011


i'm sorry i haven't really been updating. there hasn't been much to write about.
at this point in my life, the buzzword is PRESSURE.

i feel pressure at work to perform and be superwoman.
i feel pressure at church to have this image of a young woman who has it together and is a leader
i feel pressure in dance to be a leader, come up with choreography, be this on-fire person for God which isn't me all the time.
i feel pressure at home from bills and the money is just NOT THERE.
i feel pressure in my personal life to find a man, get married and knocked up.

i am so tired. it is 9pm and i just want to rest.

my resolution is to get myself together this week. this way of life aint cuttin it.

hope ya'll are well.


Saturday, October 29, 2011

budget living

the past two weeks, i have given myself a pretty strict budget.
my bills are out of control. i don't really know what i'm spending money on...i'm a mess.
this week, i'm a bit more structured. all of my money is in envelopes marked what it is for. no dipping in other envelopes and i see clearly where my money is...

i got the bright idea thursday night that for my birthday...feb 4th....i want to spend 2 nights in my fave hotel. my bday is on a saturday. friday, i would check in to wake up on BDAY to some champagne, roses and room service; spend the day at the hotel spa and have a fabulous dinner that night. i would check out on sunday.

my fave hotel is the gansevoort.
so, i did some research.

umm...they want $319 per night. O.o

so, i did some more research.
of course, i live in nyc. a nice hotel in a posh neighborhood where the room is bigger than a utility closet will AT MINIMUM cost me $174 per night. hotel spas are a rip off...i'm talking $400 for a damn 60-minute massage. for $400, i want tyson beckford to be my masseuse licking chocolate off my back. OK!

i did sign up for spa week and i'm looking at some deals.
i'm also on
thank goodness time is on my side!

every year, my birthday has sucked! the best year was probably launch party. when i told twin today my bday plans..he was, who is going to be with you? i one. i want to wake up alone on my birthday, reflect on my year, relax at the spa by myself...the dinner will be planned in advance and whoever shows up, shows up. no reservations. no tracking people down. i'm done. if i end up eating alone, i'm good with that too. if i want my birthday to be great, its up to me! he was going back to the hotel alone? i would rather not...but honestly, i have had no appetite for having sex with anyone. don't get me wrong..i love sex. having sex is fun. but there is no one i would want to have sex with right now. hopefully, i'll have a birthday boo but for now...i am good.

crazy coworker 1 aka shy got fired on thursday. so, i will be picking up extra hours...i will work every friday (if i can) until they replace her which will be at least a good month or two AND the holidays are here so that means overtime as well! according to my calculations, if i can save $60 every week, i will be able to afford a decent hotel with the roses/champagne/spa day and dinner. if i work it enough, maybe an outfit or some new shoes. if i do at least 6 extra hours a week, i can save up some extra $$ for some extra perks. my budget is TIGHT so i need to make some magic happen.

also, i have to think about what i'm getting some folks for christmas. literally 5 people are getting gifts: my mom, twin, my godbaby, my dance leader and whoever impresses me from now until then. each gift will be under $50 and unique. my godbaby will probably get some diapers and formula or a savings bond or something.

i hate my job but a girl's gotta make it do what it do.

also...this weekend, i'm re-doing my resume. there's an internet cafe across from my job. everyday, i plan on spending $2/10 minutes sending out resumes on my lunch break. (it is not an effing game!)

if you guys have the hook-up for some nice hotels in nyc, let a sista know! please and thank you.

Monday, October 24, 2011

rolling hills.

WARNING: Extra long post ahead.

louis has officially left the building.

friday, i gave him away to a nice lady from south carolina who lives in the bronx.

she was nice until she kept me waiting an hour and did a whole diva routine before she took him.

i hate late people.

sooooo...thursday night, i give louis a bath and i notice he had fleas! i researched because at first, i was is this?! google search later, soap and water should have killed them right?

as i was waiting for the lady, i noticed he still had some fleas.

i called my friend that watched him for me while i went to houston. pre-houston, louis had no fleas. after houston...fleas. it was like making a call to let someone know they gave you an std. lol....

at work, i am itching like a maniac. i itch everyday at work because its dirty. we have dust mites in the stockroom. this itching turned into bug bites all over my ankles.

sunday, i have bites on my arms and stomach.

that didn't come from dustmites!

i looked up the bites and realize they are flea bites!!
and i have to go through a whole fumigation process. how embarrassing is this!

i guess the fleas were like..the dog is gone, we need blood bitch!

i'm super-itchy and i am now in the process of washing my linens and things - apparently, the dog liked my bed...and i have to get my carpet steamed...and so much drama! i never had to deal with this before...*sigh*

its weird not being on dog-time. wake up knowing i have to take him out by 8am or he's going to pee on something or making sure i'm home by 9pm because i know he's going to pee on something and then coming home and realizing he has already peed on something.
besides that, he taught me that i really miss my rocky. i still call louis rocky in my head. i miss the companionship. i'm sure next year, i'll get a dog but for now...i can't handle it.

other than that...
aussie is out of the picture.
i'm about to delete him off of fb. every status he posts is about how much money he has. one particular one that pissed me off was, "you can call me anything but broke." - dude, you didn't even have money to buy chinese and bring it over my house. don't try and play like you're something you're not.

and that's how (some) men are...they flaunt what they don't have and then get mad when women go after that. how would i feel if every pic of me on every social media site shows off my body and i get approached by men who want what they see and i get mad? you can't advertise what you're not willing to give.

speaking of DARE the nigerian friend request me on fb? he's like...kenny from south park. each episode they kill him but he reappears in the next episode. i blocked his ass.

AND...Mr. DK had the nerve to text me on saturday on some..."Hey, how are you?" - like he wasn't missing for over a month. I was like..."Oh, I didn't think I'd see this name in my text box. Where have you been?" blah blah..the usual. Then he says he wants to see me this weekend. Sorry boo, I'm busy.

funny enough..he hasn't messaged me back. thought you were gonna just come back and i'm gonna jump at the chance to see you. I don't need a free meal THAT bad.

other than that...i'm under a lot of pressure at work, at church...being a leader is WORK WORK WORK. the pressure at work is about to be null and void soon. i'm looking for another job and expect to find one within a month or so. once that happens, i also expect this job to offer me more money. at that time, i can decide whether or not i want to stay or go. the best part about my job is the 45 minute door to door commute. everything else...can go.

i also don't want to do makeup anymore. *gasp*
i've been feeling this way for a while. makeup is a passion that i'm glad to have explored but i think it is only part of my destiny not the whole picture.

there are so many things i need to do, i just don't have the energy or the drive. like, this flea business makes me want to bleach down my entire house but i just can't...after work, i'm tired. before work, i'm tired. i'm off fridays where i try and catch up on sleep. feel tired the whole day, run errands. go to work and dance on saturday. go to church on sunday and try and recharge my batteries for the week.i feel like i'm constantly on E. if i call out, i don't get paid and i am barely making it on a full check..much more trying to make it missing days and trying to make up hours is just not in the equation. i'm already tired!! what am i to do?

i'm so frustrated because I DO SO MUCH and i GET PAID SO LITTLE. I need some damn money! like essential life shit goes to the wayside sometimes because the money just isn't there. ahhhhh!

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Indian Giver

Louis is driving me crazy! Older dogs are so stubborn. Shih tzus are willful. Older shih tzus are willful and stubborn. He has been having potty issues. Before I left for Houston, he would pee on the wee wee pad or just wait to go outside. All week, he has been leaving multiple puddles around the house which I have cleaned right away.

Friday, I'd had enough.

I mopped the floors with bleach and put him in the carrier to sleep. He was fine. Saturday, I walked him when I woke up. Let him play. Before I left, he peed on the floor. I mopped again, put him in his carrier and went to work.

When I got home, Louis met me at the front door after breaking out of his carrier and leaving 4 puddles and some poo on my floor. I WAS LIVID!

I put him back in the carrier where he whined all night. I made the decision then...this is not for me. I still miss Rocky. I call Louis, Rocky's name all the time and compare him to Rocky. I'm just not ready nor do I have the patience for a dog right now.

Once Louis is trained for real, he would be a great pet. He's loving and friendly but not for me right now.If anyone wants a dog and you live in NYC, let me know.

Flicks from H-Town

the sunset...sunday evening

me "riding the bull"

me desperately trying to get on the bull....i do have nice buns and legs


random tiger in the aquarium


Downtown Houston sculpture


Houston ROCKET!

Oh Houston Pt 2

After we left ChaCho's, we wandered around some more and ended up at a small festival. Once again, not overly crowded, clean and beautiful. We toyed around with the idea of a movie but that never really happened. We sampled Red Mango (ick!) and stumbled into a kitchen appliance store that sold everything and even had a cooking class going on.

Saturday was spent lounging around a bit then going to the aquarium. Downtown Houston was very clean and it was not crowded --- like, not even a little bit.

The Aquarium was fun, if not a random mix of sea-like creatures. Along with lobsters, crabs, fish and alligators, there was a white Siberian tiger and snakes there. I told Trish to warn me when she saw one because I am DEATHLY AFRAID of if I saw one next to me, I might freak myself into a heart attack and die. I'm guessing there was a very big one because she said.."OH EM GEE" and told me not to even look in the direction of a very big showcase.

After, we had cupcakes and Sonic (not in that order). Apparently, NYC has no good fast-food restaurants but we are teased by the ads of some of the better ones....we have no Sonic, Jack in the Box, Arbys, etc etc....Anywhosies...we got Sonic and it wasn't earth-shattering but the strawberry limeade was yum yum.

We went home for a bit and then got ready to go to PBR Houston because I was determined to ride the bull. PBR Houston is about 4 clubs in one. The "honky tonk" club we went to was everything I thought it would be with its wood detail, cowboy boots, girls in red booty shorts and chaps with cowby hats and alas! the bull! It took me 5 minutes to get on the damn thing which was embarassing enough. Even more so, I fell off in 3 seconds. I am convinced my legs are too short for that damn thing because I didn't feel secure on it at all! Trish disagrees but I stand by my assessment. I'm too short.

We did the cha-cha slide there where no one was going the right direction and left in favor of one of the other clubs. The club was was definitely diverse. There were people of all races and ages there and I felt comfortable as opposed to NYC clubs where everyone looks like they stepped out the pages of a magazine. It was fun though.

Sunday, We (I) woke up a little late and was greeted by Kolaches (thanks Trish!) which were sweet rolls stuffed with ham, egg and cheese. YUM! We (Trish) did a little shopping, did a little bowling (I SUCK MONKEY BALLS), had Coldstone and saw the most beautiful sunset.

Monday was a mad dash to the airport followed by work. Who goes to work straight from the airport? Me and I will never do that ish again! All in all, Houston was great!! Its at the top of my list of places to go in Operation: Get the F Out of NYC.

Oh Houston!

(written last weekend, lol)

This weekend was the BIG weekend in H-town. It was seriously by the grace of God that I made it. Everything was going so!

I woke up Wednesday morning and my phone was turned off for non-payment...simply because I forgot to pay the bill. I was trying to be on top of everything so my money would be right but BOOM! I cashed in on some funds Twin owed me and it was able to hold me down til that good old direct deposit hit Friday morning. But...sidenote: Whyy is food so damn expensive in the airport?

Anyway, my friend who gave me Louis was going to keep him for was just a matter of getting Louis to her. It would've been an 75min trip for me when I needed to still pack and get it together Wednesday night AND be up by 5:30 am for work. So, I asked Nell (the girl living with my mom) to take Louis to my friend XP's house at 12 on Thursday. I take him to her before work and she tells me she's going to try and take Louis to XP's house at 6am! WHO THE HELL switches plans last minute like that? She had the nerve to get mad that no one was answering their phone. That girl crayyy.

I took the train to JFK which only took about an hour and left me plenty of time to relax before boarding.

I texted the appropriate people before boarding ...y'know..the "in case I die a fiery's the flight number so you know it was me" text. One of those people happened to be Aussie.

Me: Hey, I'm at the airport.
A: Oh have your trip
Me: Yep


Well, pardon me for expecting a "Have a safe flight" or something like that.

I can truly say...that was the moment I wrote him off in my head. Call me mean or whatever...that's the least he could've said.

Flight was great. I was worried about the 2 girls which were talking the WHOLE time but the XM radio handled that. Got my extremely heavy bag and hopped into Trish's vehicle.


You know how you meet people that you k ow from the internet and they are nothing like their online persona. They seem cool online but really they're a douche and not funny and you wonder WHO THE HELL were you corresponding with the whole time...

Well, Trish is not like that. She is cute, funny, smart, genuine, kind and cool as hell. Add super in front of all those adjectives please.

Anyways, Day One...I had BIG plans which were scrapped in lieu of sleep and Dougie'ing with Baby (Trish's dog) whose real name is not actually Baby...(who knew? LOL)

We later ate at ChaCho's which gave me a burrito the size of my head that I ate all of and was so damn good!!!

(to be continued)

Tuesday, October 4, 2011


my pastor said in sermon yesterday,

"the unmet needs of a child become the agenda of the adult."

i've been trying to figure out my unment needs...because i feel like i had what i needed but then this whole aussie thing has shown me that is definitely not the case.

then it hit me. the issue with dk. the issue with aussie. the issue in most of my recent relationships have been me not feeling like the SIGNIFICANT other. lack of communication. lack of made me feel unimportant.

like the non motha-fn factor.

when my dad got sick, the whole family came to him and made him priorty#1 from ages 9-13, it was all about my dad - hospital visits, doctor's visits, dialysis...the works...and then when he died...everyone just kind of did their own thing. i acted a big way. i wrote suicide notes, i stole like $300 from my dad and spent it on food at the mall and dumb shit, i lost my virginity, i had older boys calling the house when NO Boys were allowed to call me and my parents really didn't do much. they yelled. they grounded me...but they never sat me down and talked to me.

after a while, i told myself it didn't matter and i built a wall where my mom still can't get through. i mean, who finds a suicide note than an 11 year old wrote and makes it about them? ("how dare you put this stress on me?")

but evidently, that little girl who needed love and attention is just an angry 25 year old woman seeking the same thing. so now that i know this, what am i supposed to do? its still a void. its still a need. am i supposed to suppress it or control it? i don't really know.

Monday, October 3, 2011

happy and sad

i'm super happy to be going to houston. i arrive 11:59 on this thursday evening and its amazing that trish has been generous enough to help me with a ticket and open her doors to me (and my pooch)...who does that?? thank you!!!

this trip has been the light at the end of the tunnel for me because there are so many things making me sad here. i'm going to try and balance the happy with the sad.

louie (i changed the spelling of his name) is so sweet and he listens to commands. he peed on my floor and i told him to go! and he

aussie and i were supposed to hang out last night. i told myself ...i would not confirm the date nor would i cook because i want to see his intentions. i am usually the one confirming our meet-ups just because i am super type a all the time and i always have a hot meal waiting for him. i was kind of OVER aussie anyway because we were also supposed to hang out on friday at his house which he conveniently misunderstood as us meeting at my house. i've known this dude for 3 years and i still haven't been invited to his house. something is fishy. so..anyways,i did compromise and agree to meet at my house on sunday because i wanted to see him before i left for houston and i really just needed a hug and a kiss. you know..some affection. but not really sex cuz that ish is PAINFUL right now.

anyways....sunday, i get a text from him asking, "what's for dinner?"
me: ?
aussie: oh ok then
me: you're welcome to bring something
aussie: i don't have anything (umm, what does that mean?)
me: so, you going home first?
aussie: i don't have food at home. (IS IT MY RESPONSIBILITY TO FEED YOU?)
me: so, what do you want to do?
aussie: idk
me: ok, let me know.

did he indeed let me know? NO. I actually called him today and he didn't pick up.


so, i went through the motions: angry then sad. hoping indifference would be next.
its not about being stood up...its about me not providing a need for him and him going ghost. ugh! i don't even want to talk about it anymore. i knew better. i deserve better and i'm just not going to go backwards anymore.

sn: how you gonna be on facebook talking about.."call you anything but broke" and all this other shit and you don't even have money for food. you can't even bring over some chinese to my house. i bet if i said all this shit about how i can do splits and cartwheels in the bedroom and then when it came down to it, said i was celibate, i'd get into some serious trouble. OVER IT.

i went IN on my makeup today. i looked really nice.

my job.
is killing me.
as wynsters says all the time, "i need a grown up job with a grown up salary."
i got picked on hella hard today and was threateneed to be sent home if i don't keep my white lab coat clean.
firstly, WHO THE FUCK gives someone who works with makeup all day a white lab coat? THEN, i'm expected to clean dust, get stock from a dirty stock room and do all this foolishness in a white lab coat.
oh yea...AND my nails are hunter green when they're supposed to be clear, pink or red. I really want to be like "Fuck OFf!"

i'm so tired. i'm so tired. i'm so tired.
i gotta make some major changes.

we danced yesterday in church and people are giving us rave reviews.

bff is lost in the baby sauce.
chick doesn't respond to texts/phone calls until days later. i called her on friday and am still waiting for a response (monday night)...smh.
i want to ask her to take me to the airport on thursday but honestly, walking to the airport seems like an easier option. like, by the time, i'd get a yes or a no...i'll already be in houston or be looking for a ride back home from the airport.
i'm kind of over that situation too.
we're just 2 different people. i always reach out to the people around me. i couldn't really be in a bubble like that...not unless i purposefully did so and that would mean serious depression.its just annoying.

i'm pretty sure i have first world problems and it could be worse. i'm blessed.

Sunday, September 25, 2011


"So what are you guys now?" BFF asked post-whatever with me and Aussie.
"Nothing," I responded.
"What are you thinking?" she asked.
"I can do better."
"You're right."

Aussie is like a nice sugary sweet glass of lemonade when you're thirsty. You really need water but you like sweet things and so you drink it knowing it will satiate you for a while but the the thirst will creep back up and you'll want water.

Sounds bad but true and we've all done it.

There is something specific that I'm missing from a man. People tell me to seek Jesus and all that...I haven't really sought Jesus specifically but you can't really pray your voids away. I think I got disappointed when even Aussie couldn't fill that void.

"You dating someone?" my friend JK randomly asked me on our way home from church the other night.
"Kinda. I like him because he reminds me of my dad in his gruff way but my dad could spell and use proper grammar."
She laughed so hard!!
"I wonder, 'Is the person I'm trying so hard to be with...does God have someone better waiting for me when I'm done trying to be all up in his face?'" I said and then asked her if she asked herself the same question. She's been with her boo for years.
She said the answer changes daily. The spelling thing is her pet peeve too.

Anyways...there is a specific type of man I see myself with - that tantalizes me - that makes me melt but these men who embody that are all taken. I found myself stalking this dude's relationship on facebook feeling super-envious of what they have (from the outside) and I had to tell myself to relax.

Later, when I remembered I was Christian, I thought of 1 of the commandments:Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass, nor any thing that [is] thy neighbour's."


I know one day in the future, I'm going to read this and remember this time so clearly - time of restlessness in my spirit and insecurity in every aspect of my life and I'm going to shake my head, tell myself at this age that it works out in the end, kiss my kids and my husband and chuckle about how a mess I was.

Until them....relaaaaaaaaaaax homie.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Weekend Gallivanting

Friday was spent taking Grandma around all day paying her bills. I really wanted to hang with Aussie but I was going to be tired and Saturday, I had dance and Work was out of the question. He was disappointed but I can't continue to run myself ragged.

Saturday, dance felt more like a workout than anything else. It felt good. I miss pushing myself physically. Work has been a struggle for me just trying to keep up my personal morale...because once I stop caring...that's it.

The new girl Vi makes $1 more than me
..$2 more than the other girls per hour and she was silly enough to trust Daria (who got fired for not showing up ) who told Shy who told Monroe who told everyone else, made a big stink and went to HR about. She then also threatened to sue for prejudice because Vi is light-skinned and 10 yrs younger than her. I told her not to use the race card. I think its unnecessary....she said she'd do whatever it takes to get more money. #kanyeshrug

Sunday morning, I got a new dog. His name is Louis. He's a friend's friend's dog. The girl moved and her new place doesn't allow dogs, so she's giving him to me for a decent price which I'm paying off in installments. #teamBrokePhiBroke

He's a 2 year old shih tzu who is tan and brown. He's house-trained and since he's 2 , he's less playful but he's so loving. When I first met him, he just climbed in my arms and positioned himself like a lil baby.

Later in the day, Aussie came over. I made tacos and we watched Love and Basketball. I've always wanted to watch it with a dude. We were snuggling and I fell asleep. ha!

And umm...we kinda did some stuff. WHICH HURT LIKE HELL!!!!

Omg! We tried some penetration but it was so painful! and...I started bleeding so we stopped..

I also told him I want to get back together. So, we'll see.

All in all...weekend was a big win.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Racial Epithets

The Friday before last when Sol, Cora and I went to the club, we had an awesome conversation about hair. Get 2 natural-haired girls together and best believe, hair is going to come up. With 3, it was a party. was very informative as I am not really "into" my hair. Don't get me wrong. I love being natural. I've been natural 3 times and everytime I've gone to the perm, I've literally shaved my head to get away from it. I doubt I'd go back to the creamy crack ever again.

Cora who has a whatever the hell type of curl pattern (very defined curls since she's part Cuban) says her hair is "just like a wetback's."

*record scratch*

I think I gave her the scooby doo look which was like...what the hell did you just say??
Why would you use that term?
Am I overly sensitive or is that totally not cool.

I mean, I don't even like the "n-word" and would never use it in public let alone use any other racial slur. She said this on the train and there were some Mexican dudes right across from us. I just kind of shrugged it off and changed the subject. Sol acted like it was nothing and I didn't want to ruin the night. Needless to say, it made me look at her funny....and Sol.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Make It Rain

The Friday before last, I caught a rare case of cabin fever and was determined to go out. It was my day off. I am young with no children/man to have a ball and chain and blah blah blah. I RSVP'd for my friend's rooftop party at the new W Aloft Downtown Brooklyn, threw on my sexy blue pencil skirt (the same blue pencil skirt that always gets me into trouble) and took a cab all the way there.

As I approached, I saw that the line was down the block.


I don't do lines. Although, I have not been privy to the NYC night life for a very long time - last summer aside- I can count on my hand the number of times, I've been out, I do know the right people who are willing to help me skip the line and skip the cover charge.

It pays to know people...mmmmkay.

Anyways, the promoter and I go way back to AP English in high school and I happily texted him to help a sister scoot the line...but there was no scooting as he did not have control of the security at his own party.
*blank stare*

Whilst on the line, I ran into a friend from college (errr- Sol) and her friend Cora who shared my sentiments about the line and knowing people. BBMs were sent, texts were received and off we were to Providence close to Columbus Circle.

We get to Providence, skip the line and the cover charge AND were hastily accepted into VIP where I met both of the celebrity DJ's that night and we were dancing and having a good time.

UNTIL my feet began to hurt.

*record scratch*

Anyone who has gone out with me knows that I will dance in my heels all day long but I am NEVER far from a flat shoe. Its against everything I hold dear in the world. Do you know these suckas made me (and company) check our flats in coat check before entering the venue?

Are you serious?

This is a rule made by the General Manager of Providence because he wants the club to have a sexiness which means...they don't let women in if they're not wearing heels and also these women are also not permitted to change into flats once in the club.

A MAN MADE THIS EFFIN RULE. and I wanted to stab him in the temple with my heel once I found out..much too late.

Anywhosies....I was trying to save face but my feet were killing me. Ever since I got the new gig, I haven't worn heels and so my feet were not used to the sensation.As we made our way to a different VIP that had seats, we were treated to a nice rendition of a hip hop video. That disgusting song..."You wanna see some ass. I want to see some cash. Make it rain trick...." came on and dude with 3 blinged out chains and long locs starting actually making it rain in the club. Ya'll know my face was like O.O then O.o. I was too proud to pick up the dollas he was throwing but my friends weren't. *forehead slap*

At least they shared. They gave me $8 and that was my taxi home.

The night was a bust for me. My friends are thin, leggy professional dancers and I felt fat and sweaty with my feet hurting me. I'm too (something) for the club. What that something is...I haven't a clue...but trust, I won't be going back...not unless its my birthday or some type of special shindig. I felt out of place. Where's a girl to go when she wants to cut a rug, though?

le sigh

(P.S. Shout out to whomever found my blog by searching for "mandingo" - I see you boo. lol)
(P.P.S. Sade, I tried to comment again on your go...what's your email address? Hit me at lifeisaficklepickle at gmail dot com)

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Plenty of Fish?

The hardest question to ask and answer is....what do I want?
Probably because when we answer it and acquire what we thought the answer was, we go on and want something else.

The last 2 years of working was spent with me wanting to be job-less freelancing around the city operating in my passion.
2 years of unemployment freelancing and I just wanted a job.
I have a job and I want to be on unemployment again just chilling. Well, that's not exactly right. I'm not exactly sure what I want professionally but you get the point.

So, I'm asking myself...What do I want?
In relation to the upcoming year. In relation to my upcoming meetup with Aussie.

I feel like I'm at a turning point in my life. I feel the gravity of every decision I make.

Do I want to be with Aussie?

I keep asking all the married couples I know about the logistics of marriage, their reasons for entering into the institution and so forth.
The main question I ask is...was th decision made out of practicality or passion?
Aussie and I have passion. I'm burning with it but is it practical to look to build something with him?

When I ask myself that the answer frightens me. In many ways, he reminds me of my father. Whoa.
The same gruff manner. The same adoration of me. The same willingness to provide.

In the back of my mind I wonder if I'm just settling. I never saw myself with someone who resembled my dad. I always say myself with some artist type with a lot of degrees and crazy hair.

If you ask Aussie why he wants to be with me...he will tell you its because I'm nice, I can cook and I shag like a minx.

If you ask me why I want to be with him. Its because he listens to me, he makes me laugh and he shags like a jackhammer. lol

I don't trust him because he's lied to me in the past (out of shame of his living situation) and he's hot. Girls throw their panties at him.

Tomorrow, I'm praying it doesnt rain. I want to sit and picnic with him and have a deep discussion about love and such. I want to see where his head is at.

I'm thinking marriage. Not right away of course but in 2 - 3 years. I never thought about getting married as a little girl. Or teen. Or adult. All of a sudden, that's all I think.
Who knows...maybe he doesn't even want to be with me. Maybe he just wants sex.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Reminisce Over You

I search for his name on FB every 6 months or so hoping he's joined. On Monday, I searched for him absent-mindedly and I actually saw that he finally started an FB page.


I friend-requested him which he immediately accepted. We passed messages back and forth then texts and then he called me tonight.

It felt like old times. Good times. I told him I want to see him and offered to cook him dinner. He requested tacos. His birthday is next month. WHY did he say he wanted to go to a strip club. I told him I'd take him but maybe he should go with his boys. O.O

Of course talk turned to US and what happened and such. He explained some of the "lies" I suspected he told me. The reason he told me those lies were because he was embarassed of why he couldn't do the things he wanted to do. I told him those lies are what broke us up.

Gosh talking to him, laughing with him, making fun of each other made me miss him. Made me forget all the bad times.

Thank God for blogs. Really helps jog the memory.

Read up on Aussie from the beginning from blog posts November 2008 to December 2008.
We actually met on November 1, 2008. How convenient is that! lol

We tried again in January of 2009. You can read how that all went (toward the middle - end of the month)
We re-connected last summer here. It ended like this.

He's trying to tell me that he's changed. He's matured. He's different. OY! Should I even go back there?

Sunday, September 4, 2011


I'm still alive ya'll.

Let me try to update you guys in a way that in concise and ish.

Love and Other Drugs

In my mind DK and I are done-zo. I'd been weaning myself off of thinking about him after we went out about 2 or 3 weeks ago. We met up and sat in Bryant Park. We talked about some things. He basically said what he always says...hold on....when I start school it will be better. I'll have less jobs...yadda yadda yadda....

I won't lie. I was kinda stuck on him because I don't like anyone. A man has to have the right mix of intellect, ambition, humor and social skills for me to melt like butter. He has it. Every relationship needs attention and affection to grow and we weren't growing. So, I needed to move on so that I wouldn't remain stuck and I wouldn't start resenting him.

At the end of the day, I felt like he had me on lay-away and that he just wasn't that into me. Today in church, my pastor said the craziest thing. He said, "Ladies, don't you ever wait for a man. Once you wait and they come back to you, they realize they've outgrown you." - Oh hells nawl. I'm not going to be a sucka. All I can see is...*Antoine D voice* 'He is dumb. he is really really dumb' - to not want to scoop my flyy ass up. *drops mic* "Sexual Chocolate everybody!"

So, of course in my craziness, I decided to try on the insistence of BFF and Toni Childs. I tried it free and poked my head around because I felt like anyone paying $20 - $40 a month is hella serious about finding someone. Of course, all the dudes that hit me up were over 40, sometimes over 50. and white. Ummm, I would date a white boy. He has to be a certain type of man. Old and over 50 is not him. So, I need to delete my profile.


I think I'm just going to give this whole dating thing a rest. Its becoming an anxious thing for me. Everytime I go out, I I going to see a cute guy today? If so, will he/I be interested? Its a drain!

That draining feeling is what kind of kept me stuck on DK for longer than it would've normally had...because the process of finding someone sucks. I guess because they're supposed to find you.

I am kinda lonely though. Lonely is no joke. Lonely eats at you. Lonely gets you into trouble because you run to the wrong things trying to get away from it. It hasn't driven me insane yet. So, I guess I'm alright.

Work and Projects

Work was kicking my ass for a while (like a month and a half). I literally am at work all day like "these people are nuts!" My body is used to standing up all day. Its the salary that needs adjusting. I'm trying to move my way up and stuff.

I was Service Leader of the Day which means I got $10, my pic on the wall in the lunchroom and 3 pseudo-expensive perfumes. The other girls are hating. So, me being me, I started singing Trina "Baddest Bitch" to them.

My boss keeps saying that I'm her favorite. That ish is going to cause contention with my co-workers soon. I can tell but I'm hoping that it'll be okay. I may have an opportunity to do a makeup event with my company and go traveling to the different stores. *crossed fingers*

I need more money!! Damn!

I resigned my position at the magazine. It feels like a weight off my shoulders. I wished Editor the best and I meant it. Her dependency on me was probably holding her back. Who knows? Only God.


BFF had Baby BFF on August 16th. She was 7lbs 10oz. She is a doll!!!
Punjabi has been really excellent with the baby and of course BFF has stars in her eyes and ish. she needs to get real about what she wants and what's feasibly her future with dude.

He overheard me and Toni talking bad about him. I felt bad and sent him an apology text. My friendship with BFF is changing. I realized two things about her.

1. She can't hold water. She told me about a conversation she had with her ex-husband. She told him that Toni was having a relationship with her cousin. She told everyone that Toni was having a relationship with her cousin. She told her ex that Toni saw him on TV twice in the same jeans. The first thing he said was, "Tell Toni to stop fucking her cousin." O.O In the moment, it was funny but then I thought...if she told this man she speaks to maybe 10 times a year something hella personal about Toni, what has she told him about me? What does Toni know about me if I know some SHIT about her? For a moment, it felt hypocritical of me to blog about her in detail and I have told Twin some stuff about BFF and Toni but the people I've told stuff, I know they would never ever throw it back in her face. The chances of you blog readers of meeting me and her aren't that slim but I'm sure you decent people wouldn't be like..."wait, are you the girl that was fucking her cousin?" after saying hello.

Now that I think about it, Toni mentioned something in mixed company that I did and I was hella embarassed about it. She only knew about it because BFF told her. SO, I guess that puts the nail in that coffin. Moral of the day, ladies and gents, if a friend tells you something and you just MUST share it: blog it anonymously and make sure they don't dig blogs, tell someone whom you know will never tell another soul or at least blurt it out in front of them or just tell it to Jesus.

2. Toni also said she would stop telling BFF about her relationship with Punjabi. Clearly, she's not going anywhere. Why should I listen to her bitch and moan about what he does to her - what she allows him to do to her - when she doesn't heed my advice? My advice hasn't changed... Leave that n-word alone! Since she wants to marry him (!!!) and make babies with him and such...what I say is like a drop in a bucket of water - inconsequential.

I know our relationship is changing because once you start limiting your communication with people...what you can and can't say to them...its over!

But the other part of me is saying I need life-long friends around me. What do you think?

That's all for now.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

something to look forward to....

firstly, thank you to new and old commenters for the encouragement in the weight loss department.
i really appreciate your outlook and kind words. its nice to know you're not a freak for thinking the way you do.

i don't have any goals set (yet) and i probably won't set any because i have enough stress re:goals in my life. i don't want tobsess and stuff. i'm going to keep eating more, stay active, try and get more active and let the pounds float least that's the thinking right now, check in with me in a month or so.

secondly, i'm excited because i do have a goal i want to achieve.

i want to go to a spa.

*insert cherubs singing*

i've never gone to a spa or had a massage ever in my life. for a while, i had a problem with people touching me. but now, i'm over it (kinda) and i want a massage. no, i NEED a massage. my legs, shoulders and back are super tight with me standing all day and my little stretching does me no real justice so i'm going to pay a stranger *$187 to knead out those kinks.

of course, i can't just shell out *$187 (oh, i wish) for a massage so, i'm putting money aside and at the end of september, oh yea..i'm getting one. and i'm kicking in an extra $40 for a wax. plus 15% tip, i'm looking at $261. and i'm going to freaking enjoy it.

i still want to travel and do all that stuff but with my job paying me $5 more than unemployment and taxes eating up the majority of my overtime wages..its tough. *le sigh*

but no worries...september 30th, i will be someone kneads my muscles into dough.


*$187 is for a 30 minute massage, facial, foot massage with mani and pedi. BOOM SHAKALAKA.
** i guess its proper blog etiquette to ask what is something you guys are looking forward at it! :)

*****SADE, I tried commenting on your blog but it said I didn't have access to view the page. Hopefully, blogger is buggin***************

Sunday, August 7, 2011

weight watcher

when i got the position as assistant to the lead servant of the dance ministry at my church, the lead servant had a conversation with me about my weight.

she was gentle.

but she said that if i lost weight, it would help me be a better dancer and a better leader because what we do is physical. if i have to show someone a move, i need to be precise. we watched videos of me dancing (i hate to watch myself) and she was right. i thought i was giving 110%...i look good dancing but only 80% of the effort showed.

of course, being a big girl in human weight comes up with me just walking down the street. conversation starters are're so guessed it...a big girl.

but i never internalized it.
not a lot of it.
because my self-esteem can't be wrapped up in other people's perceptions of me.

wynsters asked me if i ever consciously tried to lose weight. i told her i had not.
it is the truth.

part of me is afraid to try and lose weight because i'm afraid i will fail.
i've danced, ran track, played soccer and rugby - in that order my whole life and i've always been heavier than (mostly) everyone else while being excellent at all of those things shedding light to the other part of me which hasn't consciously tried to lose weight...its my personal rebellion.

i can be (literally) 100 pounds heavier than you and just as fast, just as graceful, just as precise and have just as much endurance as you. i can be heavier and still be beautiful.

working in the beauty industry is super interesting.
i am with 6 girls in my personal space all day. i interact with hundreds of other women who have issues with their appearance. no matter what: thin, big, tall, short, long hair, matter what, they have a need in them to change something about their appearance.

if i were thin, what else would i seek to change about myself? (that's rhetorical, of course)

anywhosies...while discussing the nature of my conversation with the lead servant, let's call her ls to wynsters, i told her i needed to think over my stance. she looked at me funny and i understand why. it was probably clear. i need to lose weight. i'm clearly obese (medically speaking). there are a bunch of reasons/way why the weight loss would be necessary and could be beneficial to my, WHY think about it. the reasons i needed to are aforementioned.

so, i did what any woman my age would do...i installed an app on my phone to help me gauge where i am and see how much work i need.
noom (the app) said i need to consume 2090 calories per day, work out at least 3 times per week for an hour to lose about 2 pounds per week.
i was consuming 500 - 700 calories per day. most of those calories were bad according to noom...about 70% of those calories are bad...meaning high in caffeine and sugar.

i've been taking baby steps like.....eating more than 1 meal per day, cutting back on the pepsi and while i haven't been exercising (at all), the weight is starting to slide off. at work, i am on my feet all day, constantly moving...bending and running around the counter. a lot of people have noticed the weight loss which is cool and my work pants (i wear them like 3 out of 5 days) are super loose.

i'm not making a grand announcement but i am going to try and eat more (the good stuff). i'm still at 900 calories per day. in the morning, if i eat, my stomach gets ripped apart it feels like...
no bueno, man. no bueno.

but since i have lost the weight i have, standing on my feet is less horrible. my ankles and knees are in less pain and that's great. so, we'll see.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Cake and Eat it Too

Is it possible to want to be in a relationship yet be so incredibly uninterested in telling the new guy the same things I told all the other guys before him?

I feel lonely. I feel like everywhere I turn, there are couples all happy and in love and shit. I've never been that girl with a steady boyfriend. We broke up. Got back together and stuff. Seeing what BFF and 'em had to go through to keep those fools, I was totally uninterested in going through the rigamaro.

But now I'm, can we pretend?

The only person I want to pretend with is DK WHOM btw, I haven't spoken to in a week. I text and got no response so I deleted his number.

All I do now is work. All the dudes I work with are too young..not that I'd even go there anyway. The one dude I did like has a crush on my coworker. That stings.

BFF's baby is breached and has to be turned.
She may go into labor when they turn her which could be some time this or next week.
Her mom took her car to Punjabi's mechanic. He asked BFF to bring it in for some extra work but "asked" her to wear her hair down "not to dress like a bum. "
She said it reminded her of her manipulative, controlling and lots of other things - ex hubby. I told her plainly,
"Girl, run! Waddle, walk...whatever you gotta do...get away from this dude."
She brushed what I said off like I knew she would. Its cool though.


Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Porgy and Bess

There have been a lof of things going on and I am trying to wrap my head around everything.

I'm writing this on my new all touch screen phone. My other phone gave me way too many problems. Firstly, I was NOT paying $130 to replace a $50 phone! No ma'am. So when the damn thing just cut off...wouldn't charge or anything...I woke up yesterday pissed. Thank goodness I have some money stashed away for emergencies but now I'm a little stressed out because the emergency fund has been spent on a new phone.

I am getting paranoid about losing this job. I come in on time and I make my daily goal of sales, I am always in dress code and my makeup is always fly but still...I dont have  unemployment or mommy's hugs to fall back on and part of me doesn't feel like this is permanent for some reason.

They fired Frenchie last week because she called out once a week every week for 2 months. What killed me was that she was always complaining about how broke she was all the time but was always late and not showing up. She felt like her boyfriend should take care of her.

After she left, Monroe was like.."Look at her. She'll be fine." She is beautidul but come on! The girl is 39 yrs old with a man as a back up or anything. Monroe was like..wait til u get my'll understand. These men want you to be all freaky in the bedroom and you get nothing for it. No! They gotta pay for it.
Zhang said...(in another conversation) I
"I am Asian girl. I can't work so hard." Yesterday, I asked her about her husband. He lives in China. She said that American men are too romantic...too smooth. They can't be trusted. I told her what Monrow said and she agreed. She said she has a husband. If she wants to work hard and pay most of the bills, she would have a roommate. In China, all the women are happy because the men buy the house and pay all the bills. The women are responsible for furnishing the house, keeping it clean and keeping themselves pretty. Not a bad deal entirely. lol

Its hot at work and NYC has been experiencing a small heat wave. The girl who passed out 2weeks ago is back at work. I think she's a little embarasssed. She was just dehydrated.  An old lady passed out last week. Now, all the managers are making an extra effort to make sure everyone drinks water several times a day but you have to take yo,. The A/C is a non-motha effing factor as Evelyn would say as you hardly feel it. I got into it with Shy because I don't like her or the way she spoke to me. A small thing turned into a huge conflama and I wanted to punch her in the face.

These girls are so cut-throat and its super ridiculous. I am kinda glad we don't get comission or else chicks would fight for real.

Grandma is getting worse. I haven't seen her in 2 weeks. I get 1 day off a week and on that day I have to cook for the week, clean, rest and try and have some fun. I just want to run away from the situation. I will probably put her in the nursing home permanently.


I called DK on Friday and I was like.."Man, I was about to call a search party for you." He was like...that's not necessary. I am here. I hadnt spokem to him since Sunday. I talked to my brother about it and he gave me some really good advice. He said to leave him alone. He has girls he does that to because he knows they're going to stick around. He said I'm worth more than that. Sooooo, that's what I'm gonna do. I have already detached myself emotionally. So...whatevs.

I was in Daffy's on Friday with a pair of $20 shoes in my hand for me. I was, its too much but was thinking hard about getting him a $50 pair of shoes. I am super generous if I like you. I mentally slapped myself out of it.

I am super tired all the time. I dont think this job is for me

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Le Boom

I go through so many different emotions with DK, its kinda ridiculous. I had lunch with him on Friday. It was cool. I met a lady coworker of his and I swear that was the first time it hit me...wait...dude is in contact with other women throughout the day. This chick sees him, 200x more than me. First I got jealous and then angry.

He keeps telling me he'll make it up to me and that  things will be better at the end of the summer but there is a big disconnect between him and me. Dude just got a 3rd job!!!!!!

I feel like the bad guy not being supportive knowing he has 3 jobs but I am not feeling support from him. When Rocky died, he text me. I was hoping for a phonecall. I chalked it up to him being a man and not really knowing. But now I am starting to feel resentful. I know I really shouldn't be but I do. I gotta think.
I feel like when he has it together, he will be awesome but he doesn't...not when it pertains to me.


Blame Starrla and her love languages post. Someone can show me they love me by communicating, spending quality time and being affectionate.

I always think about other people and how I can make their  lives better. Now I have to think about me.

4 Senegalese Women + Misery Loves Company+ Role Models

(Oops. This was sitting in my drafts for 2 weeks)

I sat in the chair for 13 hours to get my waist-length microbraids completed.


Of listening to 4 women from Senegal bicker, argue and chat in their language. In the midst of it, I thought..."Damn, my job is not so bad.

Working with all women in a small space is challenging. Saturday, I went in to work and my boss was on my ass about my hair and the way I was dressed. I didn't wear my lab coat because it was filthy so I left it home.

Oh em gee. You would've thought I cussed a customer. She "coached" me on it for 2 hours. And then she kept saying my hair was a problem.

I was told in training that I could wear my black Keds to work because although they're" athletic shoes," they're all black with no writing or insignias. Suddenly on Saturday, that was a problem.

Like..I was going to go buy some shoes.

Then...she made me read and sign a document saying that I read the dress code.

It felt like....I came in to work in a decent mood and this lady did all she could to wipe the smile off my face.

I was so pissed. I asked my coworker.."Am I supposed to wear a filthy coat?" She said yes. And don't act all happy because that gives people room to attack you. How sad is that shit?


I'm learning a lot and I'm just keeping in mind that its definitely a stepping stone. Everything else...just let it roll off my back.

I'm officially the Assistant Lead Servant of the Dance Ministry at my church. People are referring to me as a leader and we had a meeting and there were expectations and such.


Lol. No its good but the actual leader keeps saying she's grooming me to take over the ministry in 2 yrs. Hunh? What???

Leaders in the church are always held at a higher standard...a standard of which I'm not sure I can meet.

Like...I would have to go to the extra services I skip out on and I'd be a recognizable face and people will ask me questions and I'd be a role model for the younger girls.

I didn't sign up for that. I want to be a delinquent. (Not really)

I don't drink (that much) or smoke or club. I tithe. I don't miss that many Sundays. But the pressure.

Talking to the leader of the ministry in a sister to sister requires such a commitment and I know I can do I but I'm honored and blown away.

I also need to choreograph more and choose songs. Wow.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Quality of Life

Today, someone passed out at work. The girl who works at the counter next to mine. We. Don't have a close bond but she teases me everyday about something. We crack jokes and stuff. Today, I could tell she wasn't feeling herself. She complained that her head hurt. I went to get something from the stock room. When I came back, she was on the floor unconscious and there were store security guards that created a perimeter around her to give her some air. Our manager tried to wake her up. It took a while. The ambulance was called. She began shaking as if having a seizure on the floor. After they were able to get her conscious, she was still like a wet noodle. Her eyes were closed. It was terrible. I started crying. Seeing her like that...I don't know. With all the death around me lately, it hit a nerve.

Later, one of the girls at my counter said that before she passed out, she told her manager she didn't feel well. Her head felt numb. Someone else said she grabbed her stomach and then passed out and hit her head on the blunt part of the counter. She had a bruise on her forehead.

Why didn't they let her go home? Take a 15 minute break? Get some water? The store is cool enough where you're not dying but not cool enough where you feel totally comfortable. We sweat all day. And why?

Everyone in the store is doing some manual labor... from the guys in the stock room. The girls at the counters...we're on our feet for 9 hours a day. That's not easy.

Why didn't she say...I need to be home? A check at the end of the week is necessary but not at the expense of hitting your head and passing out. Maybe it was God's plan that she stayed. I don't know her living situation but if she's like me and lives alone...if I pass out in this apartment I don't think anyone would notice for days. That's a scary thought.

Anyways...I hope you all take this as a PSA. A job is not more important than your health. I love you all. Take care of yourselves!

Friday, July 8, 2011

Best Blog

Thank you Ms. Starrla for the Best Blog Award! :)
The rules: List 7 random things about yourself, pass the award to 15 bloggers and answer a couple of questions.

Share seven random things about myself

1. I am lactose-intolerant but LOOVE ice cream so I only eat it if I know I have nowhere to go and DO NOT call me to go out if I just had a bowl. Oh no ma'am.

2. I desperately want to go on a trip. DESPERATELY. Somewhere! Anywhere! A customer told me she was from Vancouver, Canada. Vancouver doesn't sound sexy at all but I was like...take me with you!!! Smh

3. I thought my first book would be published at 21. (I was ambitious) Now I'm hoping 30.(Still ambitious?)

4. Most people think I'm joking when I'm dead a$$ serious. Maybe its my delivery. *shrug*

5. I miss Eddie Murphy pre-tranny hooker. He was unapologetically funny (Raw, Delirious, Vampire in Brooklyn). Now, he's Dr. DooLittle and donkey in Shrek. I hope Chris Rock doesn't get caught with a tranny hooker.

6. I wear makeup everyday. Its getting to be annoying. Part of me wants to quit but a) I have to for work and b) I don't know if I can.. *GASP*

7. I forgive too easily, friends say. I don't think I forgive easily. I just think its better to have less things on my heart. Ya'll know I'm a big girl..I can't have anger and bitterness on top of all this

Tag 15 Bloggers (Umm...I read like 5

1. Diddy Bop
2. Trish
3. Young Woman
4. Gorgeous Puddin
5. Monique

(literally...5 blogs. if i'm not reading your blog...leave a comment or email me at lifeisaficklepickle at gmail dot com and i'll get to reading!)

Answer the following questions

Favorite colour: Purple
Favorite song: "Visions"~ Stevie Wonder
Favourite dessert: Oreos dipped in white chocolate (OH EM GEE)

Biggest pet peeve: People not covering their mouths when they cough or sneeze.

When you are upset, you: I hold it in and try to analyze all aspects of the situation.

Your favorite pet: :(

Black or white: Black

Biggest Fear: Going to Hell (no, for real) or getting my face sliced

Best feature: My enchanting eyes or happy disposition

Everyday attitude: Gratitude for life.
What is perfection: Love

Guilty pleasure: Lately, I've been OD'ing on the Oreo McFlurry from McDonald's. to be extra fat, I make them put caramel sauce in it. DELISH!

Thursday, July 7, 2011

captain obvious

i asked zhang what school does she go to. she said, "esl. english as a second language because i'm asian. i don't know english very well."

i smiled not wanting to laugh out loud literally.

that's like me telling her, "I'm black."

uhhh...duh. (on the asian part)

she's so cute and sweet though.
other than her...the other girls are catty, funny, horny, petty and are at some level of frustration with working with the company.

there was an incident yesterday where one of the girls told me to "do it yourself" with helping a customer because she wanted to put the sale down on her record sheet. i was like...for $14, you want to piss off your co-worker. i spoke to the manager about it because...clearly, they don't know that i don't play that shit. no one speaks to me crazy and i don't want to show them the hard speaking to her even crazier. i have to keep professional because i'm a black lady with an afro. they expect less of me.

this chick goes hard in the paint to make $2,000 a day.
at the end of the year, if she makes $200,000, she gets a pin. if she makes $280,000, she gets $700. that's not even 10%...not even 5% of what she made the company but she's going to create enemies at work for $700 and a pin. ummm...yea ok. she has ONE MORE TIME to speak to me like she has no sense. brown people man...we get so caught up in nonsense.

the money i get paid is comparable to the money i make on unemployment which isn't much. she gets paid less than me. its like they throw pennies at us and we just can't get enough. gtfoh.

i've learned my lesson. my last job i worked crazy hours, had the company blackberry...was always stressed. and they just laid me off without even a courtesy of a thank you or a call to let me know i was laid off. i am NOT ever killing myself like that for a company again.

most of my day is spent trying to explain to people from spain, france, japan or korea what the hell foundation, toner, face wash, etc is using pantomime. the other part of my day is trying to figure out which of the 30 unlabeled drawers the product is in and making sure these chicks don't steal my customers.

i get home. my ankles, legs and knees are killing me. i'm grateful to have a job, especially because i just got a letter in the mail. i think my unemployment is ending.bff called today and said they abruptly ended her unemployment. she's going to have to find a way somehow. it was after 7:30, so i can't check my benefit status. i'm sure my benefits have ended too. so..i got this job in the nick of time.

but i'm still looking.

i was walking home and a lady had a black and white shih tzu with her. it was a girl and had a cute little red bow. i swear the dog almost walked up to me. it was panting a little bit which i equate to being a dog's version of a smile. i wanted to grab the dog and run but see above about my physical state after work and i guess that's wrong of me to do. lol. bff says its rocky's way of reaching out to me from beyond. i still expect to see him when i get home from work. i still smell him around the house (in a good way - the shampoo i used on him)...*sigh*

dk and i talk periodically. he says work is killing him. *sigh*
i'm not waiting for him but nothing else is striking my fancy right now.

what else....
i decided i wanted to get a puzzle piece tattoo and i want my husband to get the puzzle piece that fits mine tattooed on him but i want the tattoo to be somewhere random like on my ribcage. *gasp* my husband should get the tattoo on his rib because that's where God made woman from..the man's rib. (things i think about on the train) i think it would be super cute.

i want braids but the african lady wants $250 for some poetic justice braids that go down to my waist.


i'm sure even janet jackson didn't pay $250 for those damn braids back then.

i gotta do something. i'm starting to resent this bush on my head.

other than apartment still looks like a crack den. if i dont do laundry soon, i'll have to wear boy shorts to work (and those thing give you a perma-wedgie all day). my grandmother's nursing home keeps calling me about stuff. i'm overwhelmed. its like i can only manipulate one part of my life at a time. my work life is (sorta) winning.

tmobile is bugging...they say that i need to pay them $109 for a phone i sent back a month ago because they haven't received it yet and $130 to replace the phone i have now because the screen is shattered. i paid $50 to get the phone in the first place...WTF?!

if its not one thing...its another!

that's it. hopefully i have the energy for more salicious reading soon.

Saturday, July 2, 2011


(continuation of the previous post)

i'm also trying to become more focused on what it is i really want to do, what i need to do and enjoy life because if this year has taught me anything..its that life is short and can be snuffed out in a second.

things i want to do this summer
- go to the aquarium
- go to the beach
- go to the planetarium at the museum of natural history
- go to the moma
- shake my booty at least once at the club
- get my license (FINALLY)
- redo my apartment room by room. i'm going to try and start re-tiling my living room by this week. i need to find the tile that's in the rest of the house.

movies i want to see (soon)
x-men: first class
kung fu panda 2
despicable me

things i want to do period
- go to texas
- go to miami
- go to london, spain, germany, france
- go back to school
- get dressed up really fancy to go to dinner with a boy
- learn to swim
- go scuba diving
- have a grown-up apartment that i having people over in
- be debt-free
- buy a house
- own a piece of art made by each of my friends (that are actual artists)

i'll probably add to this list more very soon

the rain don't last + counter girls

(long post..but aren't all of my posts long?)

it has been 4 days since rocky died. it has felt like 2 weeks...easily.i feel as though those closest to me have never really experienced moments of sadness from me and thus, do not know how to handle such moments when they arise.i needed to be left deal with my own thoughts without fear that i'd end up consoling someone else (which usually ends up happening.)i needed to process. to go through the stages of grief without someone in my face. expecting. not sure exactly what they'd be expecting but they have that look on their face.

my apartment is borderline disgusting. i havent' cleaned. i've left things where ever they have decided to fall and i'm trying to get my act together. i'm just damned tired.sadness plus a new job, i guess.

at work, i have to put on a smiling face and pretend that everything around me is all roses. i also have to present myself a certain way and so that has helped, actually. i can't call out day 1 of work. i can't show up day 1 looking disheveled and crazy. so, i was forced all week to stretch shower, put on a full face of makeup and smile.maybe that was the hand of God. my sister thinks so.

people have said extremely dumb shit to me. starting with the guy who tried to help me catch rocky. a few hours later, after i'd cried myself into a headache that wouldn't quit i walked to the store. he and his friend were sitting out on their stoop. i walked by and they started whispering. his friend goes.."hey, did you cry?" i said, "excuse me?" he said, "did you cry over your dead dog?" i said, "fuck you think?" he said, "i was just wondering you bitch."and then various other people wondered aloud if i'd get a new dog, starting with my mom, just 2 hours after rocky had died. maybe you guys see the allure of putting myself in a bubble now.

i'd like to take this time to thank everyone who reached out to me! especially wynsters for threatening to show up at my house. love you boo! but no...thanks for all your support guys!i wanted to knock someone's head off their shoulders. but that could be the anger stage of grief talking. i haven't gotten around to packing up his stuff. i'm not sure if i want to give it away to someone who has a dog or keep it or throw it out or whatever. its the little things getting to me. like i still wake up 30 minutes early to walk him and then i wake up like...oh. or, i do things with him in mind every day like.let me close my bedroom door so he doesn't get into my shoes and then i do it like..oh. or, if have tissue in my purse, i remove it before i put my purse on the couch because i know the dog always gets it and then its all over my living room.i walk in the door expecting to see him. i go to bed waiting or i sit on the couch for him to jump on me. and then i remember he's not there. all week i had to take something to go to sleep because every time i closed my eyes i saw the whole thing happen again. smh. i'm trying. i know it will get better.

canine passing aside...this week has been extremely informative and productive for me as an is all about skin and skin care.

honestly, i have great skin. i understand it. i know how to keep it looking decent and it all has to do with genes and doing the wrong things early and paying dearly for it. that aside, what i know about skin care seems to be very limited as i am working for a company whose main bread and butter is skin care. i also suck at matching foundation on white, indian and asian women. the bulk of my work has been black women and the ladies of other races i've worked with have been easy to match since i had some time to think about it or have worked as professional models long enough to know what their shade of makeup is -- so, i've been cheating basically. i'm learning.

also, i worked with clinique foundation only when a model brought their own in..other than that...mac all the way. if i were working the mac counter, i could match more easily since honestly, they have way more specialized shades than clinique.98% of the people who show up at the counter are not black. 80% of those non-black people don't speak a lot of english. even still my average sales for this week was about $800 for the day which rocks. it would rock more if i got commission but...i'm not there to stay. i'm planning on being there for about 2 years. if i become managament in 2 years, i might consider staying or if i'm in school, i need to pay for that ish. or a better job. lots of ORS but the bottom line is...i'm pitching a tent not building a house.

i'm rusty when it comes to the workforce. i've never quite had to depend on other people as an actual team as opposed to a fictitious team they say you are in the workplace to boost morale when you hardly speak to your cubicle-mate. but i have to depend on my coworkers very heavily. even more heavily because there are like 20 drawers where all the merchandise is held that are unlabeled (WTF for?!) and i'm super new and the cash register is weird for me and i need help matching foundations. i feel like a fish out of water flapping around like crazy while trying to smile and be thing i learned this week:if you act like you know what you're doing but don't say anything contrary..people will believe you.if you say you know what you're doing but act like you don't..people will not believe you.i smile. i'm super nice and i'm confident.i'm also hella cautious.

you smash 7 girls at a makeup counter the size of a utility closet and there is going to be DRAMA!sales (of course) are a major thing. no one has stressed me about it because i'm new and my sales are pretty good. i'm sure they think i'm promising but are watching me with bated breath because as i was told, everyone is a superstar the first month. the 2nd month, they get burned out a bit. we'll, its time to add my coworkers to this lil blog of mine. yes? always, names are changed to protect the innocent and not so innocent.

first person i met was:frenchie - frenchie is tall, busty and slim. she's 39 but looks 25. the eyes and mannerisms give her away. i thought she was dominican for some reason but she's jamaican. she's nice, patient and helps me a lot so i give her some of my sales.

daria - black girl (?) who speaks spanish. she's funny and i think she likes me in that sister-girl way. has a major ATTITUDE. hates the job. was the one who told me we don't get commission while makeup counters everywhere else get at least 3% + they make more. i also realized i make more money than her. i make 90 cents more. i found that out because she was saying something about....

shy - shy is a spanish girl who has a dry personality. she's causing a lot of drama because all the other girls hate her, basically. she's the manager's pet and was basically out for a month without calling when the policy is 3 days no call no show and you're out the door. then, she got her gratis (free stuff the company gives you each quarter) because they said "she never left" and she was never penalized for missing a whole month of work. shy goes super hard promoting and getting customer sales. she also (as i've seen) makes a huge deal of everything. someone said something to her in a manner she didn't like and it was a conversation for an hour at least. AND she involved a manager. i was like...really? meanwhile, she said something to me i didn't like and i let it slide. the next time, i'll call her out on it. and then hear her talk about it for an hour. *rolling my eyes*

raoutie - indian girl with very bad bad skin. her makeup is always a little too much and she has an overbite. she's very peppy and speaks very loudly like all the time. she says my name wrong. like n-eh-na instead of nee-na if that makes sense. its annoying. she's nice enough, i guess. *shrug*monroe - 33 but looks 19. she's very particular and she has to do things a certain way. she's nice and helpful but she loves to tell me what to do. and i just look at her and don't do it. i like when black girls wear bright pink lips but hers are a little too bright. then, she doesn't blend her makeup in at her jawline so she ends up with a mask-like thing where you see where he skin is and where her makeup begins.

zhang - is chinese. i don't really talk to her and i'm fine with that. i smile at her. she smiles back. i thought she got an attitude with me when i was helping some chinese girls. especially when she said something to them in chinese and they responded in english that i was helping them. (like she tried to steal my sale) but..whatevs. sherice is on vacay so i haven't met her.

alice is my boss. she's jamaican and has bad bad skin. dark marks that you can see through makeup. she needs mac not clinique.she seems cool. i heard to watch out for her because she gets loose with the lips. hopefully, i give off the vibe that i'm nice but to not get to slick with me. manager or no, there's a way you talk to people, capiche.
i heard another manager at the beginning of the year was waiting for her at the train station to whoop her ass after she said something to her she didn't like. WOW.

i think i'm going to write a book called counter girls where i satire what my experience has been like. we'll see. other stuff happening. hopefully, i can get some posts out soon.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

covered mirrors

every morning, rocky wakes me up by licking my fingers. he jumps on my bed and sniffs my face or snuggles next to me and whimpers. i push him off and hit snooze.when i get up, he runs in front of me and sits down and watches me use the bathroom. he jumps up on the couch where i take the moment to snuggle him, tell him i love him and he's the cutest fluffiest thing on earth.

we walk out the door.

he stops at every tree. he sniffs. he poops about halfway down the block.we cross the street and walk up a hill. there are 6 trees on that block. he stops at every one of them and sniffs them and he pees a little at each tree. we get to the end of the block and he does it again with or without pee.

when we get to my driveway, he runs and does a few laps in the grass.

i tell him goodbye as i walk out the door for work. when i get home, we do it again.
last night, after his run in the grass, he smelled like cat urine so i gave him a bath.

oh em gee.

he fought me as soon as he realized he was in the tub. i tried to dry him off, he jumped out of my arms and ran from one end of the apartment to the next trying to dry himself off.

he went to sleep.
i've been having crazy insomnia lately...not falling asleep until anywhere between 4 and 7am. when you have to get up for work at 6am...that is NOT cool.

this morning, i woke up late.
i got up. i snuggled rocky. i told him i loved him and that i had to leave.
i got home. put his collar on and walked him outside.
i stopped him from going in the grass because i just bathed him. halfway down the block, he wiggled free from his collar and ran as fast as he could. i called his name. i tried to catch him but he was so super duper fast. 2 other people tried to help me but they couldn't. i was in flip flops and i slid on something and fell in the street. he ran in between cars that were parked and my heart started to flutter. he ran clear diagonally across the street. one of the guys helping me catch him said.."this is dangerous. i hope we catch your dog."

not 1 minute later, rocky ran across the street just as the light turned green. a mini-bus hit him. it looked as though he broke his neck. he died instantly.

i keep replaying it in my head. i wanted to get him a harness instead of a collar. i was supposed to do it today but i was so tired from not sleeping, i just wanted to come home, walk him, take a nap and pick it up tomorrow.

i thought i tightened his collar before we left. why didn't he come to me when i called him? he's never run across the street. he's never run away from me like that. he never leaves my side. he follows me everywhere.

i picked him up out of the street. the next car saw him and stopped. someone called 911. the driver stopped. he looked like he was going to be sick. he said he has 4 cats at home. i thanked everyone for their help. i walked home with him in my arms. his eyes were still open. a little blood was in his mouth. he wasn't breathing. he was gone. he felt so heavy. i called bff. i got a box and wrapped him in a sheet. we drove to the animal care and control of nyc.

they took him away.

bff brought me some food. i text my friends that knew and loved rocky. people were calling and texting. as bff handed me my food, my phone dropped and the screen shattered. it looks like a huge spiderweb.

i can't believe he's gone.
i want it to be a dream. i'm sitting on the couch waiting for him to jump up and sit next to me. i'm waiting for him to continuously hit me with his red ball forcing me to play fetch with him. 7am, he wants to play fetch as i'm trying to get ready for work. midnight, i get home from being out, he wants to play fetch.

he was my friend. i talked to him all day every day. he was the first face i saw every morning and the last face every night. i told him i loved him every chance i got.

i don't know how to deal.
someone please tell me this was just a cruel joke. i keep expecting the acc to call me and tell me i made a mistake. he is alive. he was just unconscious. but its not true.

its not a joke. my sweet puppy who always brought me so much joy died today.
there's nothing to say...there's no music to listen movies or tv shows to watch...nothing to make me feel better. nothing that will bring him back. he's gone.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Friday Night: Family +Funerals + Jobs+ The Gheys

(Warning: This is a long post)

Yesterday (Friday), I got a call from my older brother's oldest daughter. She's 26 years old and I've never heard of her before. She has a brother 1 year older than her who has a 5 year old daughter. Basically, my brother Michael hid them from everyone. Michaela's mom (the only child I knew about) found out about the other kids when their mom filed for child support. Michael is such a douche. When she told him she was filing for child support, he threatened to quit his job.

It seems all this new niece wants is to know her family and learn how to do makeup. (Lol)
She seems legit. She looks just like Michaela who looks just like Michael. Its scary.

I called my mom, she goes...oh yea, Michael probably has 8 kids. No one knows. He doesn't really know. He's a deadbeat! smh.

how is she a year older than me calling me auntie! Smh.

Later on, I text DK.

"Are you not interested in me anymore?"

"Why would you say that? I'm crazy interested in you?"

"I feel like there's no communication unless I reach out to you. I know you're busy but if you are interested in someone you put the effort to speak to them"

"Awww, I get it mama. I will do more."

We shall see.

I got great news on my way to my friend's funeral.

I got a job!

I will be working at Clinique in a department store starting Monday. The pay is not what I was expecting but it is a real full-time position with benefits (I think).

I love working. Even working at the job I hated, I appreciated it because a) it was money-  duh. B) I was getting up everyday with a purpose and doing something. This week I felt as though I was not productive. Such a loser!

AND! I never heard back from MAC. I feel as though it is because I lacked real beauty experience on my resume. Working at a beauty counter would change that so this job is really a stepping stone. I am so grateful! All this week I was praying to get it and I got it.

God is good. 

I wanted to be excited about my news but excitement would have to wait because I was on my way to my friend's funeral which was quite sad. Jen was a good person. She was an amazing storyteller and was HILARIOUS. Yes, she was a diva you wanted to strangle from time to time but she was special. I wonder if she felt like she lived while she was alive.

I don't know if I mentioned this before but Jen was a transgendered woman and so...80% of the people at her funeral were ghey. And our mutual friends.

After the service, we all went to out to dinner and fuckery ensued. A sexy sexy transgendered man (was born a woman) sat next to me and we flirted all night. This is the same one who after the last funeral (so sad) another friend was like you two should be together. Twin was like "If ever you were going to be with a trans-man, this is the one you should be with." Wow.

He is sexy and I'm attracted to him because of what I see. As soon as he takes his pants off, its a wrap. So...he gets hot and bothered because I stare into his beautiful grey eyes and I say inappropriate things and then I cock my head back and laugh and fantasize about if he had a penis.

I had a huge frozen CoCo Loso at dinner. Blame it on the al-al-al-alcohol!

Anywhosies....Friday night, he looked into my beautiful brown eyes and said, "Sweetie, anytime you want to fuck, just say so and it will be on."

Well alright! 

I felt up his arms, chest, abs, back and thighs...whew! If he only had the missing ingredient. Twin was like...he has a plastic is so NOT the same thing.

I kept thinking about DK. I sent him some tipsy texts that were borderline racy. I didn't want to go IN because I still had my head about me (a little bit).

After dinner, we ended up at Black's house. There were a bunch of people passing around drinks and the herb and we were telling stories about Jen. A friend had a recording of her telling a funny story and another friend had a video of her dancing around. It was enough to break your heart.

To lighten the mood, someone said, "Hey, they passed the law that allows gay marriage in NY!" We all cheered but then I said, "Ain't none of you sluts getting married ever! So, why do you care?"

Out of nowhere, we began talking about dwarves or midgets or little people-  whichever you prefer.  J says that he wants to have sex with one.

From there, we talked about the Saw movies and all the gory bits and then the conversation turned to anal fisting.

J was telling a story about how he used Crisco (vegetable oil-  the white one that comes in a can) to put his fist in someone's anus. Not only that, the guy told him to keep going and he put his hand all the way to his elbow.  When J realized this, he got freaked out and passed out with his forearm in the dude's butt.

It was around this time I suggested we leave. J's friend R was like..."How do you lead a straight Christian lifestyle hanging around all these fags?"

I shook my head.
I seriously don't know.

It was 2:30 in the morning. The cigarette and weed smoke made me so thirsty I probably would've drank from a public fountain if I had to. Of course we didn't pass a corner store. We had to go from 148th St in Harlem to Brooklyn, so we mostly took a highway (The FDR for the curious folk). We were driving in circles trying to get on the Brooklyn Bridge because they had some crazy detour. Have you ever been super thirsty while having to urinate so bad?? Weird science man....

I got the sweetest coolata from Dunkin Donuts ever and that satiated me for the moment.

I got home at 4:30am. 2 hours to get home from Harlem. RIDICULOUS when it takes an hr by train. I hate getting home so late because the next day is ruined.

I told J about the DK situation. He said not to put all my eggs in one basket and to date other people. That's hard for me. I guess I wont shut other people down.

I said I would try because, "I'd rather feel lonely while being alone than feel lonely while in a relationship." - NOT even saying we're in a relationship but I think that's where we're going. IF one of us doesn't eff it up.

So much happened on one day...