significant

my pastor said in sermon yesterday,

"the unmet needs of a child become the agenda of the adult."

i've been trying to figure out my unment needs...because i feel like i had what i needed but then this whole aussie thing has shown me that is definitely not the case.

then it hit me. the issue with dk. the issue with aussie. the issue in most of my recent relationships have been me not feeling like the SIGNIFICANT other. lack of communication. lack of affection...it made me feel unimportant.

like the non motha-fn factor.

when my dad got sick, the whole family came to him and made him priorty#1 from ages 9-13, it was all about my dad - hospital visits, doctor's visits, dialysis...the works...and then when he died...everyone just kind of did their own thing. i acted out...in a big way. i wrote suicide notes, i stole like $300 from my dad and spent it on food at the mall and dumb shit, i lost my virginity, i had older boys calling the house when NO Boys were allowed to call me and my parents really didn't do much. they yelled. they grounded me...but they never sat me down and talked to me.

after a while, i told myself it didn't matter and i built a wall where my mom still can't get through. i mean, who finds a suicide note than an 11 year old wrote and makes it about them? ("how dare you put this stress on me?")

but evidently, that little girl who needed love and attention is just an angry 25 year old woman seeking the same thing. so now that i know this, what am i supposed to do? its still a void. its still a need. am i supposed to suppress it or control it? i don't really know.