Saturday, October 30, 2010
I dreamt I was working as a journalist for my college's newspaper (this is true) but I was at a different school in New England than the one I went to and a famous basketball player was there playing for the team. He looked like Carmello Anthony but I kept calling him Dwayne Wade. Anyway, me and Dwayne were mad cool and I kept messing with him. I kicked him and ran away. He caught me (of course) and pulled my wig off in front of the whole school. I sat in a corner and put my wig back on, walked out and gave him the evil eye. As I came home to my apartment now...I went to sleep but I knew I was pregnant. I was only about 4 months. All of a sudden, I felt slight pain and discomfort. I looked under the sheets...there was a little blood but I gave birth to the baby who looked slightly bigger than a regular infant. I wrapped it up and held it close to me and started talking to it. A few days later in the dream, the baby started talking and walking but it was normal to me although I knew it was a bad sign. The baby started trying to kill me. We were fighting. Part of me felt like I had to kill the child...the other part didn't want to...
So, I chased it out of the house. It broke a glass and threw it in my face. I choked it and said..."Please stop. I don't want to kill you." then it ran away....
Other snippet of another dream was I was grown with kids and a car and I was taking my pastor's kids on a road-trip with my kids...but my pastor's son (who is 2 now) was a pre-teen and his daughters who are 14 and 11 were the same age. I saw glimpses of my kids who might be anywhere from maybe 8/9 to 11/12. I had two..one of them was a boy.
Why all the children dreams??? Why have a baby at 4 months and then have it try and kill me?
such a weird dream, especially because my hair is an inch long right now. i've never wanted a baby really and if i did, i was sure i wanted a girl. also it felt like his father's name was terrence too. who the heck is terrence?? i only know 2...one is very light-skinned and i'm sure if we had a child together, the child probably wouldn't come out to being my complexion (or it could...black genes are weird sometimes) and the other is my cousin. i didn't feel like i know this terrence yet. the child resembled this little boy named titus i knew growing up. he was a gorgeous little boy who is now 16 years old and is a gorgeous young man...but the little boy in my dream looked like titus but like me too...with his small slanted eyes, small nose and full lips.
i could take the dream figuratively, where baby terrence is my business flourishing but when i woke up, i chose to take it literally...wondering about this man terrence who would bring me a baby terrence and a happy home where photo shoots are involved and everyone is brown and beautiful. it would make sense that in my home, photo shoots would happen, right? lol. i woke up warm and fuzzy and a little hopeful...if not for the baby then for my HAIR!!!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
and then i talk to my mother.
mostly, its on accident or out of bare necessity.
like today, my new intern was scheduled to work. i needed an extra computer. i didn't want to just take her computer without asking. boom! bare necessity.
when we're over the phone, she makes me feel bad about how i'm not doing a great job of taking care of my grandmother. today, she hung up on me because i wanted to bring her home and take care of her business next week instead of this week. THIS from someone who can't find time to even visit her! are you fucking kidding me? before that, she asked me about my business..."are you making any money???" - truthfully, no. not enough to support me. "i can't believe you can't find a job...with all your job history and qualifications."
i can't believe i can't find a job either.
and i apply to about 20 per day. granted, i did skip a few days this week. so, tonight, i decided to make up for lost days and apply for as many jobs as possible. the past 3 hours, i've applied for 35 jobs with a desperation that i've never felt before. with tears in my eyes...i looked for a job. my phone was on silent. my eyes glued to monster and craigslist because i NEED a job like i NEED oxygen.
because i NEED to get the fuck out of here!
i feel like she takes pleasure in beating up on me at every single turn. those questions are logical for any mother to ask but maybe...i don't know...i need someone to treat me gently sometimes.honestly, i don't know what to say...does she want me to break down? does she want me to admit i'm making a mess of my life? one day without prodding, without an audience, without anything...i just want her to be like..."you've been through some amazing trials and you haven't killed yourself. good job." - maybe not in those words but something along that sentiment. or maybe something like.. "i support you." something simple. and i want her to mean it.
maybe i ask for too much.
for now, i'd be content with a job that pays more than peanut shells and water and a nice city to relocate to.
still, i'd been carrying something for him. and apparently, he for me. i always considered him to be the one that got away. we wound up at dinner last night after months of him asking me when we could get together to talk. RM and I have always had these amazingly profound intense talks about God, love, politics, hair, passion, purpose...
and we talked. he calls the woman he lives with, his wife because he's committed to her. he talked about his son and the excitement of his soon to be born daughter...we talked about love. passion (as far as careers)...i talked about my uncertainty, he talked about what he sees as an educator in the nyc school system (it sucks) we ate and then we walked...he kept saying that my energy is the same as it was in high school...never innocent and then he'd look at me auspiciously. then it came out.
me: i loved you so much in high school but you didn't want me,
rm: its not that i didn't want you. i was confused. i didn't know what i wanted. it was obvious you wanted a relationship. i wasn't ready.
rm: tell me that's not what you wanted.
me: ok, it was...but you could have told me.
rm: i was stupid. here was this woman who i could talk to about anything..who was so funny, ambitious, smart and beautiful right in front of me and i chose to walk away from that because i was afraid.
me: wow. thank you. but you found that again in college. the woman who is your wife, right?
rm: i wouldn't say that.
me: well, it doesn't matter what we had anymore. because its too late.
rm: its never too late...you never know what the future holds...we may reunite in that way when we're old..but i get why you say that.
me: because you're married.
rm: because i'm married.
we walked back to the car and sat inside talked about this non-profit he wants to start and more things about how disheartening the education system is...when we heard some call out "Rasta Man" (his first and last name)...it was another old friend from high school...one of RM's best friends. We all used to do poetry together. Let's call him HL. HL kept looking at me like....why are you guys together...I felt like a tramp for admittedly going to dinner and then sitting in a car with this married man. I'm always that girl that guy friends who have girlfriends and my girl friends' boyfriends are always invisible to me...we have no friendship anymore...we have no interaction because it causes trouble in the end. so, you must know..i felt like a scoundrel...we parted ways. rm drove me home. we started talking about religion. as we pulled up in front of my house, rm accidentally grazed my knee as he was maneuvering the clutch...it was nothing but his touch felt like fire in my veins. i said i had to go...i took some pictures of him and hugged him. as i was about to leave. he says...i can't help but think about your cocoon (i told him a poem about how i wanted to slip into some guys bed...a warm cocoon)..i faux-slapped him and walked away from him not really sure of what to say...truthfully...i wanted him to come inside that cocoon too....
this life we lead is so fragile and 1 person can ruin the whole thing for you. i don't want to be the reason by which chaos is introduced into his world. there are children involved and he made a promise to this woman. who am i to interject myself into that?
i felt things that i haven't felt for someone in such a long time...i wanted to bottle it up and wear it as a fragrance...
and so, i went home to sleep uncomfortably understanding the whole other woman thing a little bit more but proud of myself for having self-control, remembering a bit of our conversation from earlier when i told him...everything in our lives after a certain point is dictated by the choices we make.
a friend tweeted me when I got home:
"OMG, I saw you today but u were on a date, so i didn't want to interrupt...u were like reallllllllly into each other. It was so sweet. You were just glowing! Glowing! Glowing! Ugh...beautiful! It was good to see you so happy!"
I was happy but it was not real...a beautiful mirage that disappears as soon as you blink your eyes.
i bbm'ed jj to see if we were still on to lay up this weekend. he said no. i felt desperate disappointment right down to my toes. i feel like i need the type of release that comes from being held and having sex...laughing with a man...giving the guard that's on call 24-7 around my heart and mind the night off.
the one thing i miss about being in a relationship is the freedom to be soft.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Today is one of those days. I woke up and just wanted out. Life is good. Life is stressful and full of things and situations I don't quite understand but for a few hours, I want to be caught up in something pleasurable. I want to laugh uncontrollably. I want to have an orgasm. I want good food. I want strong wine. I want to walk out of my house looking like a dollar and have someone tell me I look like a million bucks.
Do you guys ever just want to find that trap door that leads to the exit? Not necessarily because life is horrible but just to break the sheer monotony.
(reading eat.pray.love only adds to the urge to have wings...)
I want to lay up under someone this weekend. I want to feel someone's arms around me. I want to kiss and hug and do stuff. I need them to help me forget my troubles. I asked JJ if he wanted to do that and he was taken aback because I asked him just like that...
"I want to lay up this weekend."
"Whoa,pow I will get back to you on that and wow" - was his response.
I have this nagging feeling that I will scare him off. Men like to conquer right? We'll see.
I'm trying to play it cool.
I told Editor what transpired and my fear. She shrugged.
She said, "Sometimes, you just need the arm and hammer." Lol
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Wednesday, October 20, 2010
My budget is really tight. That overdraft threw me off in that I have 3 major bills coming out this week that will overdraft me again. And then when things like light and gas come out at the end of the month, I will overdraft again. Then at the beginning of the month....you get it.
I can stop the cycle by using 1/2 of my London ticket money to pad my account. Which means $450 turned into $225 and I have to come up with $475 to buy my ticket.
I write this with tears streaming down my face. I know I can sacrifice and make it happen. I am looking for a job heavy heavy. I'm just so...disappointed. 1 mistake in managing cost me big time.
We had a conference call for the magazine today. Editor likes open forums where we talk about our faults as a group and criticize each other. That's so not my style. If something bothers me about someone, I'll pull them to the side. Also, I don't criticize myself in front of other people unless its something everyone noticed. Like...sorry I made one eye bigger than the other on that model. In many cases, to me...it shows weakness.
Anyways...this chick says "Nina interviewed JJ and that threw me off because I had my questions ready. I know I should've said something in the moment. I'm sorry but you threw me off for the rest of the day."
Ok...JJ showed up at 8:30am. I interviewed him at 11:30. Hours after he'd been sitting around doing nothing. She was at Pathmark with Editor and had just come back when I started the interview. What kills me is...we were in the same place til 8pm. She drove me home. Yet, she waits 4 days later to tell me in a conference call. Ok.
Other critiques were made but that was the only that pissed me off.
I didn't lash out. I apologized. I explained my reasoning. I swallowed my whatever.
I'm gonna quit it with this superwoman act. All people ever wanted to do to Superman was watch him fold when he came in contact with Kryptonite.
On a lighter note, Willow's song is in my head...I whip my hair back and forth...hahahaha.
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Tuesday, October 19, 2010
First, I went to dinner with my friends. I helped them with an event last week, controlling ticket sales booth all night. I showed up at 1pm. Left at 7am. The venue kind of worked them a little bit and they ended up paying $2400 extra than they'd originally thought. I wasn't expecting payment. Last night, 1 person gave me $50. I really needed it. My account was overdrawn by charges that were 5 days late in posting to my account.
I wake up this morning, J calls me and says they did have a meager profit. They decided to split it 3 ways (the people who worked) and my cut was $500. Oh em gee. I felt like I won the lottery.
Right after, I checked my balance. My account was overdrawn $99 because my gym took out their payment early and then overdraft fees. This was after I'd put $30 in the account to cover the original overdraft.
Undeterred, I knew I wanted to use my $450 (minus tithes) to go somewhere I'd always wanted to go. It was between London or LA. I'd been talking about going for 2 years! I said London even though if I go to LA (tickets are $300 while tickets to London are $600) because in London, I'd have free lodging.
Excited, I called BFF to share in my joy. I was thinking about going in Jan/Feb - y'know start the year of right although the weather will be miserable. BFF was less than enthused because we talked about taking a trip to some place warm in February right before she starts the hard part of nursing school. She deflated my balloon in 10 seconds flat.
I was pissed. Why can't she pretend to be happy for me?
I turned to the thing that usually uplifts me...makeup. I look really good. I bought a wig last week that is really big and curly. Mom said she didn't like it and I should get it cut down because it was too big. Everyone thinks I look like Chaka Khan.
I'm leaving to go see grandma at 6 before meeting up with Wynsters to a poetry reading. I run into her. She calls me close.
I say Hi. She says.."I hate that hair. You look so crazy. Why can't you cut it down?"
I didn't answer. I just turned and walked away.
She calls me back. "Don't walk away from me like that. Where you going?"
"To see grandma"
"You've been home all day and you couldn't go earlier? Oh, btw, your face looks nice."
No one asked for you fucking opinion!
Grandma was complaining the whole visit. I started out at a 10 and now I'm at 3. Really hoping this event makes me forget the negative and dwell on the positive.
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Monday, October 18, 2010
I went to church yesterday...let me tell you, it was a bit of a fight getting ready to go! I think that was the perfect time for me to go. I was in good spirits. The title of the sermon was, "God, Its Not Fair!" Pastor talked about how our society thinks everything in the world should be fair but fairness is determined by who is in power. What we really want is to be equal. Then he said, God has the power over us. If he treated us fairly, we wouldn't have anything because of our sin, we don't deserve His love and protection but He gives us His grace.The minister sung "Encourage Yourself" - sometimes you're going through and you have to speak to yourself and you'll make it. The service was great and I got to talk to a few people after service. Felt like a lot of it was tailor made for me.
Saturday, we had a shoot for the magazine...lots of stuff happened but I'll get to that later.
One good thing that happened was...I invited this guy, JJ to be one of the props in the shoot. JJ is a producer I met a while ago at a hip hop concert. He was there to network and I was there to flirt. I thought he was cute and in my alpha female way, I pounced on him. He wasn't really receptive to me. I tried BBM'ing him and it really just didnt' work. Anyway, we are doing a music issue and thought it would be great exposure for him and asked him to come out. We were behind schedule and he was there early not doing anything..so, I asked him outside with me and we sat on the swings at this playground. We talked a while about him. He's 38 but I swear, he looks like he's 25. He's really operating in his passion, taking his time. He has no kids...he's single and he's just living his life...he's really nice and I felt like I could be myself with him. I don't feel that way very often with men. We made a plan to meet up this week to hang out..do something low key.
As one of the writers was taking me home, she asked me about The Nigerian bc she saw tweets about him. I told her the whole story...she was like..damn but your tweets were funny though. A blocked number called me and I picked up. Guess what, it was The Nigerian. I was rude (of course) and hung up on him. Sunday night, he called again. I was tired of ignoring his calls, so I picked up. I figured if he were still calling...he had something he wanted and needed to get off of his chest. This fool is gonna say..."Do we have a misunderstanding? You keep ignoring my calls and texts." I told him we don't. I don't want to be with him. He does. He begged. He defended his case. He apologized. He asked if we could do lunch or coffee. I said no. I don't want to see him. He begged. He asked if he could come over to my house. I said no. I don't want to see him. He let that go...thankfully. He talked and talked and he said he didn't know why I hate him. I told him the truth. "I don't hate you." Why don't you want to date me? I made a mistake. I want to get to know you. "I'm not going to say a lot of mean and hurtful things to you because that's not my style. I don't want to date you because you treated me like crap before. Why would I go back to that? You are a selfish person and you don't know what you want. You want everything on your time schedule. You don't listen to me. You don't care about what I want." He persisted...I just want to see you...to talk to you...I told him I would consider it. He had to go. He ould call me later.
I thought about it. When he calls me again..I'll probably say no. I don't want to see him or talk to him about anything. He had this newfound epiphany because I know, deep down, he's lonely but he doesn't understand how his actions contribute to it. I've finally got my footing back and am on a good road. I would still be fighting for something from him...possibly something he can't give me. I'm done. I've let go. I thought about how I felt with JJ...genuinely at ease. He laughs a lot and he makes me laugh..I want that. TN, like most men can sense when you're moving on...I mucked up the thiing with Carter over TN (rightfully so..but still) and I won't repeat it with JJ.
Things are looking up.
Friday, October 15, 2010
I don't want to say I regret having Brit in my apartment but I do. This house is old and surrounded by trees. Of all the apartments, I was always spared rodents (because I never kept food out.) In 4 years, I've never had a mouse...1 month of Brit staying with me, that's the 3rd mouse I caught. Its disgusting. I hate them!
Coincidentally, BFF talked me into keeping her cat for a week. I'm scared and happy for it...scared because I don't want the cat to bring me little half-eaten mouse bodies and happy because I'm hoping it'll scare the mice away.
I was never the type to steal a cookie from the cookie jar and my mom be oblivious to it or do my homework in class and the teacher not notice. I could never get away with anything. So, why did I think that I could break my celibacy and do what I want and there be no repercussions? In all honesty, it wasn't my choice to break my celibacy. TN forced himself on me. I took the attitude of...its too late..why not find the good in the situation. Why not try and enjoy it? I should've known by that first experience that things would only get worse. I got nothing from him. Not emotionally, physically, mentally - nothing. Only hurt. Everyone warned me but I had to see what was down the rabbit hole. I had no idea 1 person could really destroy your life. I thought I was stronger than a situation like that.
I've lost some things. Some of it, I can't get back and others, I have to work like hell to get back.
I've lost my notion that people deserve the benefit of the doubt. I told myself that TN was a good person and that I misunderstood what happened between us. He didn't rape me. He was just being aggressive. I like aggressive men, right? Even now, saying the words - I was raped. Doesn't register. Doesn't illicit an emotional response. Doesn't click. If I said no and he persisted...I was raped.
I've lost 3 months of productivity. In my industry, it might as well have been 6 months. Depression and sickness almost sucked the life out of me. For a moment, I did lose my will to live.
I've lost faith in men. They all want 1 thing. They will lie, cheat, buy you things, act as if they care to get it. There are men that I'm close to and I've been keeping them close so that they can remind me that not all men are like that. They don't know what happened but they joke with me, clown me, inspire me, pray for me...and that's why I haven't gone all crazed feminist.
Most importantly, I've lost my relationship with God. I don't know why I stopped going to church. One Sunday, I just didn't feel like I wanted to hear what my pastor had to say. My church is huggy...it used to be comforting but now its like...don't touch me.
I've lost so much and time is flying by...if I don't act now, I will sit here and lose sight of the life I had planned. I can't allow myself to be destroyed by this...by anything. Baby steps back to life as I used to know it.
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Tuesday, October 12, 2010
I need the comfort of something or someone. My family will embrace me but they're far away. No, I need something more personal. Spooning. I need to be held.
Although he's the last person I would let touch me, I go back to my time with TN...mainly, because he was the last person to touch me. My brain remembers the hugs..sleeping in the middle of the day holding each other. Incidentally, the times before we started having sex. Go figure.
Tomorrow, it will make 11 years since my dad died. I always feel so alone around this time.
There are people I could call for sex. New people. Old people. I know I could walk into almost any bar/club/lounge, get someone to buy me drinks and take me home but is that what I really want?
Where do you find comfort in this cold city?
I've been in bed all day, literally. Sleeping, reading, watching stuff online...ignoring calls from Twin. I told him I just wanted to rest today and he just wouldn't stop calling. My friends are too needy. I feel like I have too many people relying on me. That's who I am...old faithful...the reliable one but sometimes, I just want to flake out and not feel bad about it.
Who do I rely on? Twin told me I could rely on him emotionally but I can't. Old habits dying hard and such.
I've been contemplating what's next...travel, school..what career am I going to fall into? My heart is not into what I'm doing anymore. I'm starting to hate the industry. No one wants to be normal or down to earth. No one wants to have integrity. I've built something though. I've built something stable in a year. Amazing. Should I tear it down to go be someone's secretary?
So, what's next? I don't know. JC called me the other day and said he was inspired to motivate me...he'd had a dream or something and he woke up and thought of me and told me not to stop pursuing my dream.
I need some comfort. A hug. A kiss on the forehead. A word that everything will be okay.
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Monday, October 11, 2010
I've been really stressed out about everything, really. Beginning to think that I put too much pressure on myself but don't really know how NOT to.
Grandma has been really trying to get out of the nursing home and I've really wanted to help her..however, every step of the way, there is a roadblock. Now, they're saying her Medicare needs to be re-certified...I have no idea how I'm going to do that. It is truly always something...
Everything else has the pressure building...running the magazine, running my business, looking for a job, working on extra projects...
I guess I'm just checking in to let you guys know I'm okay...not super happy..not depressed...just trudging along..
Sunday, October 3, 2010
i was so excited to go out tonight. i planned my outft in my head all day..changed my makeup twice... first saturdays at brooklyn museum.
first, wynsters and i were supposed to go...she had to go to her boyfriend's father's birthday party. duty calls. i called bff. she has homework to do. bff will be using school as an excuse for everything she doesnt want to do from now until winter break...i'm sure. editor said she would go. she picked up her boyfriend's 4 year old daughter (for what reason, i do not know) and her boyfriend didn't get off of work in time for her to come out. twin had to work. determined not to let (what usually happens when i ask my friends to go out) deter me...i decided to go alone. i usually go out alone anyway...i get to the museum and i run into 2 girls i know from this fashion show i did makeup for and another girl named nina too. i decided to hang with them. big mistake. some women..you just can't be friends with. nina2 was looked for a man. every single man that passed us, she would critique...too corny, did you see how he was dancing?, too old, too young, too wack, no swagger...they were playing some JAMS...no one was dancing but me...i left to get me some wine because they were making me sulk and not enjoy what was going on. when i came back, they disappeared. i ran into one of them...nina2 was staying. she had her eye on a guy with a beautiful back in an orange shirt. i asked her why she wasn't even attempting to look like she was having fun. she wasn't there to have fun. she was there to get a man. wow...ok. her desperation was like a perfume and it really truly was suffocating me. i encouraged her to say something to orange..she did and when i went to throw my wine cup away, she left with him without so much as a goodbye. i guess...mission accomplished.
still undeterred, i was on the dance floor alone....shaking it to salt'n'pepa's "push it"...that's lowkey one of my favorite songs...so i pushed it, i 2-stepped to earth wind and fire's "september" and i jumped up while clapping to michael jackson's mama say mama sah mama coosahh or whatever he says....then at 10pm, abruptly...brooklyn museum shut the party down. it usually goes til 11. everyone was dumb-founded and it took 25 minutes to walk down 3 flights of stairs to leave. i ran into my beloved archer...flirted with him, hugged him up and he made me laugh which was great. after, i had nowhere to go and nothing to do but i wasn't done..
i waited for the train that takes me home...as i was waiting, on the other side, the train that goes to manhattan was coming...i ran and caught it and went to this restaurant this guy i've been bbm'ing is a partner in. it also happens to be the restaurant where me and the nigerian were together last. the restaurant where he left me without saying goodbye...fucker.
i walked in and ran into this dude o who produces nigerian movies and clearly wants something to pop off between us. he offered to buy me a drink and i sat down wanting to talk to bbm dude. bbm dude was busy making sure the patrons felt okay and i was feeling more and more uncomfortable as i remembered that night, watched o watching me and so i just left. i wandered around the streets of fort greene in a mini skirt as the brisk night wrapped around my legs...there were bars i peeked into but just didn't feel like having hungry eyes on me. i walked to this cigar bar, talked to the owner about doing a photo shoot there which he said yes to...got on the train, in a cab and went home.
tonight was a bust.
i need new friends...girls like me who are fun to hang out with, will get dressed up, wear makeup, wear heels and just smile and laugh. where do i find such people? its really getting old to go everywhere alone...praying i find someone to be my friend for the night. i'm trying not to be sad....tonight was supposed to be awesome but it just ended up being anticlimatic...and a waste of $30 in cabs. but no, seriously...where do i find new friends?