Friday, October 15, 2010

Trauma + Daddy's Girl + Lost

There had been a smell in my apartment for a day or two. I was determined to figure out what it was and so I started with the dishes...they had begun to pile up. As I was emptying a cup, a dead mouse fell out of it and into the sink...I screamed and ran. I tried to find the courage to pick it up and throw it out but I ended punking out and calling BFF.

I don't want to say I regret having Brit in my apartment but I do. This house is old and surrounded by trees. Of all the apartments, I was always spared rodents (because I never kept food out.) In 4 years, I've never had a mouse...1 month of Brit staying with me, that's the 3rd mouse I caught. Its disgusting. I hate them!

Coincidentally, BFF talked me into keeping her cat for a week. I'm scared and happy for it...scared because I don't want the cat to bring me little half-eaten mouse bodies and happy because I'm hoping it'll scare the mice away.

I was never the type to steal a cookie from the cookie jar and my mom be oblivious to it or do my homework in class and the teacher not notice. I could never get away with anything. So, why did I think that I could break my celibacy and do what I want and there be no repercussions? In all honesty, it wasn't my choice to break my celibacy. TN forced himself on me. I took the attitude of...its too late..why not find the good in the situation. Why not try and enjoy it? I should've known by that first experience that things would only get worse. I got nothing from him. Not emotionally, physically, mentally - nothing. Only hurt. Everyone warned me but I had to see what was down the rabbit hole. I had no idea 1 person could really destroy your life. I thought I was stronger than a situation like that.

I've lost some things. Some of it, I can't get back and others, I have to work like hell to get back.

I've lost my notion that people deserve the benefit of the doubt. I told myself that TN was a good person and that I misunderstood what happened between us. He didn't rape me. He was just being aggressive. I like aggressive men, right? Even now, saying the words - I was raped. Doesn't register. Doesn't illicit an emotional response. Doesn't click. If I said no and he persisted...I was raped.

I've lost 3 months of productivity. In my industry, it might as well have been 6 months. Depression and sickness almost sucked the life out of me. For a moment, I did lose my will to live.

I've lost faith in men. They all want 1 thing. They will lie, cheat, buy you things, act as if they care to get it. There are men that I'm close to and I've been keeping them close so that they can remind me that not all men are like that. They don't know what happened but they joke with me, clown me, inspire me, pray for me...and that's why I haven't gone all crazed feminist.

Most importantly, I've lost my relationship with God. I don't know why I stopped going to church. One Sunday, I just didn't feel like I wanted to hear what my pastor had to say. My church is huggy...it used to be comforting but now its like...don't touch me.

I've lost so much and time is flying by...if I don't act now, I will sit here and lose sight of the life I had planned. I can't allow myself to be destroyed by this...by anything. Baby steps back to life as I used to know it.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

1 comment:

Jaded said...

I didn't realize you had a visitor. That mouse thing is a major N-O in my book.

As for TN, maybe you don't feel like he raped you (in the criminal sense) but it sounds like you might be going through some of the same feelings that rape victims go through. You should def. exam these feelings, because I suspect that if you don't it will have long lasting effects.

Anyway, there is this quote that I try to keep in the back of my mind: Remain open, there is something bigger going on here.

Finally, when you get the chance, please send me and email, I have something I'd like to ask you.

onlyaliljaded (@) gmail (dot) com