covered mirrors

every morning, rocky wakes me up by licking my fingers. he jumps on my bed and sniffs my face or snuggles next to me and whimpers. i push him off and hit snooze.when i get up, he runs in front of me and sits down and watches me use the bathroom. he jumps up on the couch where i take the moment to snuggle him, tell him i love him and he's the cutest fluffiest thing on earth.

we walk out the door.

he stops at every tree. he sniffs. he poops about halfway down the block.we cross the street and walk up a hill. there are 6 trees on that block. he stops at every one of them and sniffs them and he pees a little at each tree. we get to the end of the block and he does it again with or without pee.

when we get to my driveway, he runs and does a few laps in the grass.

i tell him goodbye as i walk out the door for work. when i get home, we do it again.
last night, after his run in the grass, he smelled like cat urine so i gave him a bath.

oh em gee.

he fought me as soon as he realized he was in the tub. i tried to dry him off, he jumped out of my arms and ran from one end of the apartment to the next trying to dry himself off.

he went to sleep.
i've been having crazy insomnia lately...not falling asleep until anywhere between 4 and 7am. when you have to get up for work at 6am...that is NOT cool.

this morning, i woke up late.
i got up. i snuggled rocky. i told him i loved him and that i had to leave.
i got home. put his collar on and walked him outside.
i stopped him from going in the grass because i just bathed him. halfway down the block, he wiggled free from his collar and ran as fast as he could. i called his name. i tried to catch him but he was so super duper fast. 2 other people tried to help me but they couldn't. i was in flip flops and i slid on something and fell in the street. he ran in between cars that were parked and my heart started to flutter. he ran clear diagonally across the street. one of the guys helping me catch him said.."this is dangerous. i hope we catch your dog."

not 1 minute later, rocky ran across the street just as the light turned green. a mini-bus hit him. it looked as though he broke his neck. he died instantly.

i keep replaying it in my head. i wanted to get him a harness instead of a collar. i was supposed to do it today but i was so tired from not sleeping, i just wanted to come home, walk him, take a nap and pick it up tomorrow.

i thought i tightened his collar before we left. why didn't he come to me when i called him? he's never run across the street. he's never run away from me like that. he never leaves my side. he follows me everywhere.

i picked him up out of the street. the next car saw him and stopped. someone called 911. the driver stopped. he looked like he was going to be sick. he said he has 4 cats at home. i thanked everyone for their help. i walked home with him in my arms. his eyes were still open. a little blood was in his mouth. he wasn't breathing. he was gone. he felt so heavy. i called bff. i got a box and wrapped him in a sheet. we drove to the animal care and control of nyc.

they took him away.

bff brought me some food. i text my friends that knew and loved rocky. people were calling and texting. as bff handed me my food, my phone dropped and the screen shattered. it looks like a huge spiderweb.

i can't believe he's gone.
i want it to be a dream. i'm sitting on the couch waiting for him to jump up and sit next to me. i'm waiting for him to continuously hit me with his red ball forcing me to play fetch with him. 7am, he wants to play fetch as i'm trying to get ready for work. midnight, i get home from being out, he wants to play fetch.

he was my friend. i talked to him all day every day. he was the first face i saw every morning and the last face every night. i told him i loved him every chance i got.

i don't know how to deal.
someone please tell me this was just a cruel joke. i keep expecting the acc to call me and tell me i made a mistake. he is alive. he was just unconscious. but its not true.

its not a joke. my sweet puppy who always brought me so much joy died today.
there's nothing to say...there's no music to listen to...no movies or tv shows to watch...nothing to make me feel better. nothing that will bring him back. he's gone.

Friday Night: Family +Funerals + Jobs+ The Gheys

(Warning: This is a long post)

Yesterday (Friday), I got a call from my older brother's oldest daughter. She's 26 years old and I've never heard of her before. She has a brother 1 year older than her who has a 5 year old daughter. Basically, my brother Michael hid them from everyone. Michaela's mom (the only child I knew about) found out about the other kids when their mom filed for child support. Michael is such a douche. When she told him she was filing for child support, he threatened to quit his job.

It seems all this new niece wants is to know her family and learn how to do makeup. (Lol)
She seems legit. She looks just like Michaela who looks just like Michael. Its scary.

I called my mom, she goes...oh yea, Michael probably has 8 kids. No one knows. He doesn't really know. He's a deadbeat! smh.

how is she a year older than me calling me auntie! Smh.

******
Later on, I text DK.

"Are you not interested in me anymore?"

"Why would you say that? I'm crazy interested in you?"

"I feel like there's no communication unless I reach out to you. I know you're busy but if you are interested in someone you put the effort to speak to them"

"Awww, I get it mama. I will do more."

We shall see.

*******
I got great news on my way to my friend's funeral.

I got a job!

I will be working at Clinique in a department store starting Monday. The pay is not what I was expecting but it is a real full-time position with benefits (I think).

I love working. Even working at the job I hated, I appreciated it because a) it was money-  duh. B) I was getting up everyday with a purpose and doing something. This week I felt as though I was not productive. Such a loser!

AND! I never heard back from MAC. I feel as though it is because I lacked real beauty experience on my resume. Working at a beauty counter would change that so this job is really a stepping stone. I am so grateful! All this week I was praying to get it and I got it.

God is good. 

I wanted to be excited about my news but excitement would have to wait because I was on my way to my friend's funeral which was quite sad. Jen was a good person. She was an amazing storyteller and was HILARIOUS. Yes, she was a diva you wanted to strangle from time to time but she was special. I wonder if she felt like she lived while she was alive.

I don't know if I mentioned this before but Jen was a transgendered woman and so...80% of the people at her funeral were ghey. And our mutual friends.

After the service, we all went to out to dinner and fuckery ensued. A sexy sexy transgendered man (was born a woman) sat next to me and we flirted all night. This is the same one who after the last funeral (so sad) another friend was like you two should be together. Twin was like "If ever you were going to be with a trans-man, this is the one you should be with." Wow.

He is sexy and I'm attracted to him because of what I see. As soon as he takes his pants off, its a wrap. So...he gets hot and bothered because I stare into his beautiful grey eyes and I say inappropriate things and then I cock my head back and laugh and fantasize about if he had a penis.

I had a huge frozen CoCo Loso at dinner. Blame it on the al-al-al-alcohol!

Anywhosies....Friday night, he looked into my beautiful brown eyes and said, "Sweetie, anytime you want to fuck, just say so and it will be on."

Well alright! 

I felt up his arms, chest, abs, back and thighs...whew! If he only had the missing ingredient. Twin was like...he has a plastic penis...it is so NOT the same thing.

I kept thinking about DK. I sent him some tipsy texts that were borderline racy. I didn't want to go IN because I still had my head about me (a little bit).

After dinner, we ended up at Black's house. There were a bunch of people passing around drinks and the herb and we were telling stories about Jen. A friend had a recording of her telling a funny story and another friend had a video of her dancing around. It was enough to break your heart.

To lighten the mood, someone said, "Hey, they passed the law that allows gay marriage in NY!" We all cheered but then I said, "Ain't none of you sluts getting married ever! So, why do you care?"

Out of nowhere, we began talking about dwarves or midgets or little people-  whichever you prefer.  J says that he wants to have sex with one.

From there, we talked about the Saw movies and all the gory bits and then the conversation turned to anal fisting.

J was telling a story about how he used Crisco (vegetable oil-  the white one that comes in a can) to put his fist in someone's anus. Not only that, the guy told him to keep going and he put his hand all the way to his elbow.  When J realized this, he got freaked out and passed out with his forearm in the dude's butt.

It was around this time I suggested we leave. J's friend R was like..."How do you lead a straight Christian lifestyle hanging around all these fags?"

I shook my head.
I seriously don't know.

It was 2:30 in the morning. The cigarette and weed smoke made me so thirsty I probably would've drank from a public fountain if I had to. Of course we didn't pass a corner store. We had to go from 148th St in Harlem to Brooklyn, so we mostly took a highway (The FDR for the curious folk). We were driving in circles trying to get on the Brooklyn Bridge because they had some crazy detour. Have you ever been super thirsty while having to urinate so bad?? Weird science man....

I got the sweetest coolata from Dunkin Donuts ever and that satiated me for the moment.

I got home at 4:30am. 2 hours to get home from Harlem. RIDICULOUS when it takes an hr by train. I hate getting home so late because the next day is ruined.

I told J about the DK situation. He said not to put all my eggs in one basket and to date other people. That's hard for me. I guess I wont shut other people down.

I said I would try because, "I'd rather feel lonely while being alone than feel lonely while in a relationship." - NOT even saying we're in a relationship but I think that's where we're going. IF one of us doesn't eff it up.

So much happened on one day...

Emo

BFF and I watched "The Social Network" last night and I know I'm super late but it was a great movie except BFF said my personality is akin to Mark Zuckerberg. Basically, I never smile. I say things with a straight face which makes me come off like a d-bag.

I told her:
1. I don't care if my personality is akin to a brown paper bag. If I were worth 51% of a 25 BILLION dollar company, no one would care.

2. If I'm Mark Zuckerberg and she's Eduardo and she sued me for 600 million dollars, I'd hit her in the head with a hammer. Lmao.

That has nothing to do with what I'm feeling right now which is sadness.

It just hit me like a ton of bricks. I was doing well for like 2 weeks. I had my boo thing. I had a job. I had morale. Now, all 3 are gone. (More explanation to come)

I'm just like...FUCK! I know every mountain has a valley but I feel like my mountains are more like hills where I work hella hard to get to the top and it last for like 2 seconds and then I'm descending back down. I am not one to complain. In fact, no one in my circle knows how I feel. I'm just trying to suck it up.

Set Phasers to Stun

The summer is officially in full swing because people have lost their ever-loving minds!

Yesterday, BFF and I are walking to her car from Target. We wait for the first car at a stop sign to drive. The second car stops and so we begin walking. BFF, who is 7 months pregnant and definitely looks it and is closest to the car, and I begin walking. The car starts inching closer and closer to us. I say, "Whoa buddy. You're playing it kind of close arent you?"

He yells, "You're stupid. You don't know if I'm really going to stop or not. You're pregnant. You should be more careful."

She says, "Who is playing chicken with a pregnant woman you asshole!"

He calls her a bitch and drives off.

WHO DOES THAT?

I'm walking home from my grandmother's nursing home. There are 3 guys across the street and I already knew they were going to say something.

The 1st said something inaudible.

The 2nd says. "Hey big girl! I love you." I roll my eyes thinking that's the end of it.

The 3rd says, "Hey big girl! I'd suck the fart our of your pussy."

I was stunned and pissed off. That is so disrespectful. Moments like that I am so glad I gave my pepper spray to my last intern. I'd pepper spray just on GP (general principle.)

I get a Facebook message as I'm about to leave my house tonight to go to see a friend perform. My middle brother apparently had a lovechild before he got married. I don't know the whole story but...I know its a doozy.

stream of consciousness

this weekend was bff's baby shower. it all came together very beautifully. she almost cried at how we decorated and she got SO.MUCH.STUFF. i would love to have a baby shower without the baby.i got up at 7am. i got home at 12am. i was soo tired. my body hurts. i hate certain people right now but she was happy so its all good.

thinking about dk and how much things change when people have sex. i'm wondering if i'm even ready to take that step or if i'm listening to my hormones. there are things he doesn't do that bothers me. such as...i can tell he's not big on pda. i reach for his hand. i initiate kisses in public but in private he's all over me. i get it. but private pda leads to other things. i just like affection. also, our communication sucks. i get that he's busy but ugh! i am not a phone person but i would appreciate if 90% of our communication did not occur via text. "people" generally say that my method of communicating what i want is aggressive and blunt. how do i say what i want (and get it) without being bitchy?

so....i'm checking my fb and guess who friend requested me...THE NIGERIAN. what an asshole! i told bff, he's like michael meyers as jason. you burn him, you cut him up...he still comes out of the water to kill again. my first inclination was to curse him out but then i thought...that's exactly what he wants...he wants me to engage him because it gives him an in to try and charm his way back in. no way jose. fuck off.

the brit (my uk friend how stayed with me last summer for a month, was messy and caused a mouse problem) called and text me yesterday. every african person i've met have been the most persistent people i know. it is super positive when they're in business or have a goal in mind but super annoying when they've offended you and you just want them to take a long walk on a short bridge and they just refuse to do so. (the brit is from ghana but grew up in paris and london)

speaking of africans, dk gets sorta offended when i ask about nigeria.
i asked how he got around the city after he told me a story about how his sister hit someone when she was driving one time. i asked if he drove everywhere, walked or took public transportation. the look he gave me..JESUS! i said.. "look..i've never been to africa and i'm genuinely interested in what its like there. stop waiting for me to say something ignorant about your country or your continent. sheesh!" that seemed to ease him up a bit. he told me about the bus system in nigeria which apparently isn't that great. lol. i told him about the bus system in bermuda which i've never been on because it costs $5 to get on the damn bus. i'd rather walk. thankyouverymuch.

my mom says she's in mourning and doesn't want to speak to anyone really. she hasn't been to church since my aunt passed and she just wants to sell everything and move down south. i have no clue what to say to her. so, i'm letting her ride it out. sometime this week, i'll schedule an intervention.

not to brag but..i've beat jake at scrabble 6 times in a row. he says i'm the only one he hasn't beaten and he's determined to play me until he beats me. the friend in me says to let him win but the competitor says...hell no!i am getting tired of winning though but his tenacity is amazing.

i lost my part-time job. my boss' boss said he didn't need me. i kind of knew it on thursday when he told me not to come in on friday but i'm hoping i got the job i interviewed for on friday although the pay sucks monkey balls. *sigh*

my driving lessons are going well. i'm getting the hang of it. i just need to practice more which means i need to get someone to let me practice with their vehicle. i want my license by september 5th!!!

money is funny and it aint no joke. bff's baby shower gift was $80! baby shit is expensive, i got her a pack of 94 diapers, 3-pack of baby wipes, 3-pack of receiving blankets, baby shampoo, baby lotion and diaper rash cream. i didn't realize it would be so much but i wanted to make sure she got something she could use.plus there were unexpected expenses.like..hey someone run out and get some fruit juice for the punch or chocolate for a game or more ribbon. smh. now, i'm trying to do some creative accounting to get a mani-pedi tomorrow. my feet feel like hell and who knew you're not supposed to leave your pedi bean in the shower. the thing smell like a body decomposing after a while. and, umm, i want to get waxed... *giggles* when you know company is coming over, you mow the lawn, right? i now KNOW i won't have a job so...yea, that gets tricky.

that is all for now. hope your weekend was fab!

Mandingo

i came home from work after a rather disappointing day. i stopped at pathmark and bought some groceries, pink roses and sangria. i made spagghetti with ground beef, kielbasa, stewed tomatos and spinach and texas toast.dk came over just as i was heating up the bread.

as he walked in, he played with my hyper dog for 5 minutes and said he was exhausted. rocky loves new people and also if you play fetch with him...he could play it for hours and hours.

"What are you feeding this guy?" he asked.

I laughed and put Rocky in my bedroom because I knew what was next..he was going to start humping his leg...smh

anyway, i went to check on the bread and when i turned around, he did like that dude with anika noni rose in for colored girls....when i turned back around he was shirtless and pantless. he only had on boxer briefs.

i said, "sir, why are you nakeed?"

he said..."I am not naked. i am waiting for you to service me."

"excuse me?"

"remember you promised me a massage."

i truly forgot.

"did you want to eat first?"

"no, later."

so, i got the lotion, he laid on my couch and i gave him a super massage...for like 30 minutes. (one instance of how dude is going to have me WORK.)

he got up and had this huge boner. we jokingly call him mandingo (he told me a story of how this (white) girl approached him online and said she wanted an african mandingo such as he. and so, from there, we both refer to him as mandingo when we talk most often. but, umm it wasn't a joke as he got up..wow! Dude is as thick as my fist and at least a good 9/10 inches.

"Put that thing away!"

"Why?"

"Just..please. Think about giraffes, baby elephants, lions...baseball."

He laughed but looked disappointed and sad. So, we ate dinner and had polite conversation. I showed him my online portfolio so he could see my work. He looked up some stuff and then all of a sudden he goes...

"Did you google me?"
"Me? Google you? Noooooo" (I did)
"Are you sure?"
"I don't think I did."
He turned the computer around and showed me his soccer profile (he plays for his college team) which I found whilst googling him.
EGG ON MY FACE.

Note to self: If your boo is a Computer Engineer and works as an IT Guy, try not to hide things from him on your PC.

We sat down to watch Law Abiding Citizen. After one kiss, he was hard again.

I shook my head.

"Why are you not responding to me?"
"I have my period."
"Ohhhhh...."

He looked down at himself.

"You could say hello."

"Hello Little Mandingo." I poked it with my finger and laughed.
He got up and put it in my face.

I looked up at him and put it in my mouth.
It had been soooo long...but its like riding a bike, right? (lol)

I was at it for a good 45 minutes when I thought to myself..."Self, this is the part where you usually have sex because your mouth is tired. Your jaw hurts and you're really not used to such strenuous activity. He was trying to make me deep throat it but...I couldn't! I really couldn't! I've never felt my gag reflexes kick in before but I felt the food in my stomach coming up.

I felt like I was punking out.

"I'm tired."

"What?"

"My mouth is tired."

"Get some lube."

I got it and gave him a hand job for another 45 minutes.

"DUDE."

"What?"

"You're ridiculous. THIS is not the time to be thinking about giraffes, baseball, monkeys, lions...this is the time to make yourself cum."

"I told you I could go for a long time."

"I know."

He leaned over and whispered sexy things in my ear about how he would slide his Mandingo in me and make me cum over and over again. The look in his eye told me he meant it and I was so sad. I wanted to do it. Sex changes things...especially for me. I don't think he realizes that.

Sex changes me in 2 ways: 1. I become uber clingy. I transform from this sexy confident woman to this little girl who is unsure of where we stand. This time, I need us to have a conversation so I can know for sure...but really, you never really know.

2. I transform from the celibate nun to a crazed nympho who wants to do it at least 2 - 3 times a week. With Aussie, if he didn't break me off at least twice per week, I'd get angry..ANGRY! The distance from his house to my house (2 hours on the train - 45 minutes by car.) kind of puts a damper on frequent nookie.

Anywhosies...he started jerking himself because I felt like I was in the gym.

"Do you have condoms?" he asked.

"No." I knew he could tell I was lying. (I'm a horrible liar that's why I practice telling the truth.) I didn't want this to be my first time with him. #1. I had my period which makes things...messy (messier) and #2. I had my period which means he couldn't go down on me and to take his giant penis, I need all the lubrication and arousal I can get.
"You're going to break me into pieces."

"Yes I am," he growled in my ear. (Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeew!!!)
He exploded all over my breasts and I laughed as I got us wash cloths and we cleaned ourselves off remembering my earlier convo with Wynsters about there not being any hanky panky whatsoever...I was so sure of it.

Later,as I was trying to write this post, I was listening to some music (a la the last post) and was just imagining how it will be next time. He's super passionate and yea...he will break me into pieces.

As I sat in bed thinking about how delicious everything was...the food, the kissing, the touching...I tweeted, "Its so hard being holy."

Indeed it is.

This Is How It Works

If you can...listen to these songs. Post (with words) forthcoming.

Love is not Blind

I was at BFF's house for baby shower planning.She was supposed to be home at 9pm. We called her at 9. At 9:20, we called.  She said she'd be there in 20 minutes. At 11pm, me and Toni Childs left her house because we were both pissed she wasn't home yet.

We knew where she was...with Punjabi.

Y'know...I don't care where she was. She could've been with Barack Obama but she ignored our phone calls and didn't have the courtesy to call or text letting us know she was delayed or just not coming.

Wtf?!

I was telling Twin earlier that I wanted to set up a college fund for her kid as a baby shower gift. He said something like...."Wow, that's a commitment for someon I don't see you being friends with down the road. Get her a case of pampers and call it a day."

Many have said they don't see us being friends in a few years because they know me and half the foolishness I put up with with her...I just don't allow that to fly with mostly anyone.

I'm upset. Especially because yesterday we had dinner and she cried on and on about how much of a dick Punjabi is. She doesn't think he'll truly be there for her in the delivery room, when the baby comes. He asked her if he could do invitro with his "ex" who still lives in his house..And yet:

A. You ditch your friends for him
B. You still want to be with him

I just want to know if fireworks come out his penis. It is so simple as a text message. "Don't wait up."

Smdh

Seams

I'm falling apart at the seams right now.

I should've known it was coming. This morning while cleaning the house, I was watching my favorite movie, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and although I've watched that movie 50-11 times...I started crying during the emotional parts.

One tear tho...cuz...I'm a thug.

I knew I had tons to do...I wanted to do laundry, get my nails re-painted and eat something before my 2pm driving lesson. After my driving lesson, I would meet up with my client whose wedding I'm doing tomorrow to pick up her deposit/payment and then I had a 5pm date with DK.

No room in there to really breathe.

At 1:30 as I was getting dressed, the school called and said that the car they use broke down and we'd need to reschedule. Fine. I took my time and ended up at my client's house at 3pm instead of 3:30. I fantasized about jumping in the sprinklers as I walked through the projects, breaking my neck to get to DK on time.

Being late causes anxiety within me.

I got to his job right at 5. 45 minutes later, we meet up because his boss handed him a project to do right as he was packing up to leave.

I was disappointed and stressed and hormonal. I'm sure the crying spell earlier was because my period is due on the 13th.

My period is always irregular so it might show up tomorrow. Who knows?! 

Anywhosies, I was feeling all these emotions on top of dealing with all the other stuff going on. Yesterday, I saw my friend Jen in the hospital. She's on life support. There were tubes for every vital function. A tube down her throat to help her breathe, one for urine, another for feces. She had a bag for fluids and another for feeding. It was sooooo overwhelming. The last time I'd seen her, she was cracking jokes and talking about Rebie Jackson's "Centipede" video.

My aunt's funeral was today. There's just so much sadness around. I don't have any proper coping mechanisms in place. (I figured that out tonight.)

Sooooo....DK and I are on our date and I'm being quiet (per usual) and he is talking and talking (per usual)  and he turns to me and says... "Talk to me. You never talk. I thought I was quiet but you're mute."

He is right. I took it as criticism when it was really not but I did. With my hormones acting up, I almost cried. I kept goading myself to say something...anything. but everytime I started a story, he'd interject and then I'd get discouraged and go mute.

I told him about my friend on life support and death and then I just felt like I was being a Debbie Downer. He said.."Should I be careful around you? It seems like a lot of people in your life are sick or passing away." He was kidding but that's exactly what I knew he would say.

Ay caramba! 

We parted ways and were dangerously close to Times Square so I walked to Forever 21. I bought a cute skirt and tons of accessories, spending half of the money I earned from the wedding i'm going to do tomorrow.

I ended up at Duane Reade buying some essentials...but spending a little too much.

Even still, I didn't feel better.

"I need a drink," I text(ed) BFF.
"Me too," she text back.

I felt like there was so much pressure on my head...all these thoughts and emotions and I felt like everything was conspiring against me.

As I sat on the train, it kind of hit me...I was feeling a little insecure around DK.  I don't like having an audience. I feel like I'm going to do something stupid or say something stupid. I just don't know...but yes, like I said earlier..I need better coping mechanisms-  either working out or I don't know. 

I need to snap out of it-  whatever IT is. Part of me feels like I owe DK an apology or something.

Damn not being knocked up!

Thankful

This time last year, if all these things would've happened, I would be on the floor sobbing somewhere but now all I feel is gratitude.

I'm thankful God has blessed me with a skill that I can make money from when it gets thick or rather when my pockets are otherwise thin.

I don't have a fridge but I have running water.

I'm refusing to turn on my A/C because my light bill last year was RIDIC!  I have a working fan.

Sure Rocky is noone's guard dog but his little face makes me smile.

Its going to get better!

I thought about the boy today and he called just as I was saying...man! How are we gonna make it? We're both so busy! (He has 2 jobs, working on a 3rd. I have a job, a hustle and drama unfolding) He called me and he said..."I feel so bad we haven't spoken all day. I said to myself I had to call this girl." Where did he come from? We were both so tired and then after 5 minutes I had to rush him off the phone and then he wasn't available when I was available. Grrrrrrr. On Monday, we scheduled a date for Friday. How wacktastic is that? I probably wont be able to see him until next Wednesday.  I grumble but its great. Everytime we see each other its like...ohhh hello! No one is jumping into bed. Its all so civilized.

My vagina hurt after going to lamaze class with BFF on Tuesday (err-  yesterday)
The instructor was talking about the changes in the body then BLAM labor pictures...cervix, crowning, person's head and shoulders coming out of a vagina! I was like take my name off the list to volunteer for that ish, yo! I told BFF her va-jay-jay is gonna be wrinkled and misshapen after that ordeal. she concurred.

What other shenanagins have I been up to? Same ole...same ole. 

Jehovah Jireh

(*means God, the Provider)

I wanted to make stir fry today but lacked the ingredients. A quick trip to the grocery store would fix that, right? I checked my balance (knee-jerk reaction to being broke all the time) and what do you know? I only have $7 in my account til Wednesday.

Upset and hungry, I prayed...God, i'm not going to get angry. I am going to trust you. I know you will not allow me to go hungry. I need money. I know you can do it...I'm on the look-out for the how part.

So, I searched old purses and looked in discarded clothing. I only came up with a dollar. Did I mention I had no money on me at all? Yea. I thought I had about $80 in my account. It turns out...I scheduled part of my phone bill to come out my account and forgot about it. If I had remembered, this weekend's spending wouldn't have been the way it was.

Anywhosies...I went through my mom's cupboards and found some rice, chicken strips and broccoli in the freezer and made a meal.

She didnt have anything in the fridge i wanted to drink but she did have iced tea mix and sugar. Done and done. Amazing.

I never go in her cupboards for anything. I figure she's in South Carolina. She's not gonna be checking for a box of rice and some chicken strips when she gets home. Anyways...I get a call from a client whose wedding I'm doing on Saturday. Her niece's prom is Wednesday. She gave her niece my number. She called. I gave her my website. She loved my work. Her and her 2 friends are getting makeup done on Wednesday.

Who doesn't love unexpected money? (And prayers being answered)

On a Sunday Afternoon

I could go into a long diatribe about how great today was....mostly, what I want to say is how it was revealed to me:

I'm not working hard enough. I let the passion in me die out. I got tired. I got discouraged and I stopped believing in my dreams. I stopped believing in me. Why? Because it wasn't happening fast enough. Because there were so many trials. God has blessed me with this talent and I have buried it. I can't limit my greatness because I want instant gratification. There is something in me and I can't let my light flicker and die out.

God has been asking me over and over about DK. If I am willing to let him go...if I am scared he will walk away. If I trust God enough to trust Him that my mate is out there and to stop being so desperate in my emotions. I am walking down a path not to different from before and I need to stop. I need to stop being so aggressive, so forward...I need to cool out, take a cold shower and prepare for him to leave but act as if he's staying. Mentally, put God first. Emotionally put God first, myself first. It would hurt if he left...if we're being honest. I don't handle rejection of any kind well. Him leaving would feel like rejection. But...I can't under any circumstances go through what I went through with The Nigerian again. Some things in me need to die. I feel as though I might have abandonment issues. My dad died, the person I thought was the love of my life left me for someone else - actually, that happened twice. My high school boyfriend of 3 years left me for a friend and then paraded his relationship with her in front of me and everything I wanted him to do with and for me he did with and for her. (Side note: Funny...that guy was so shallow! He started dating my friend AB and then decided to take another girl to prom SS because SS looked better than AB and he wanted nice pictures.) I guess I was the one #winning. Lol. The 2nd guy was Afroman and Lauren. I guess part of me is tired of feeling like I'm going to lose all the people I grow to love. I have to let go of that hurt...really let that die or else I end up doing things that hurt me more (like break a 19 month celibacy, get taken advantage of, get pseudo-stalked,  get super sick for a month) ...ya know, things like that.

Annnnd so....
That's that, I guess.

What else is going on?
That dude I met like a week or so before DK, I forget his moniker...(his phone got cut off but he invited me out on a date only to not call me until after we were supposed to meet up..) has been calling me all weekend. But, he's been calling from his number (which I deleted) and then private like....I don't know its the same person that called 10 seconds ago. If I eeeeeever gotta call someone private just to get them to answer, that's the day iQuit.

Anywhosies.....that's all on my mind for now. Everyone have a great week on purpose!

le sigh

my aunt passed away this morning.

what do you say about death? my mom called and left me a message to tell me. i didn't listen to the message. i just called her back. in retrospect, that was a bad idea. i called her like.."hey what's up?" then she puts my cousin on the phone and i say,

"there's nothing anyone will say to make you feel better. your mom is okay. everything is going to be okay. the pain you're going through will not go away magically but the pain will be less sharp. you will be fine."

not sure if those are sage words. everyone always calls me like..i know what to say when a parent dies. i don't.

i carried on with my work day and the magic hour came and i got paid.

*cue disco ball*

i called around to driving schools and found a school that charges $185 for 5 (1-hour) lessons. Most schools give 45 minute lessons...me (and my weekly earnings) went and paid for the lessons. i felt like such a grown up. (look at me doing what i've been wanting to do since the beginning of time) i got home and called the refrigerator repair guy. in 20 minutes (and much picking up of shoes that rocky had eaten) later, he came to tell me my motor was broken and i need a new fridge.

mom called to tell me she needs money. she had to buy clothes. she expected to be down south for a weekend..a week later, she's still looking at another week.

my driving lessons seem less important...as say...giving my mother money or buying a mini-fridge (which costs the same amount of money)

i felt foolish.
until...i realize. heyyyy..wait a damn minute....i had to buy lessons because NO ONE will teach me. (not even my mom). I've been wanting to buy lessons since MARCH. it is JUNE. i worked hard all week...specifically for this purpose and damn it! i will rock those lessons!


i hung out with DK on Wednesday. this guy...something is missing. i keep telling myself...but i can't figure out what. he's super easy to be around and talk to. there's attraction. there's passion. there's also a sensibility. i feel comfortable sleeping with him right now (kinda..always have that puritan guilt) but i like waiting. HE wants to wait. i offered for him to come over and he said no. he wanted to wait. *grins* there's so much we don't know about each other. how do older people do it? get to know each other...date. it feels like the other person had this WHOLE LIFE before you. i guess, they go into it knowing they can't know all the details about the other person.

i am enjoying this time when i discover new things i like about him.
like...

i like that he is super nerdy by accident. he's a computer engineering student but he's working in IT already. wednesday, he had his backpack with all his computer parts and he was telling me about his day. super nerdy. i was like "oh yea, defragment my hard drive baby..." lol..i'm super nerdy as well.

i like that he's honest. i realize that americans like things in a cute little package (how japanese of us). specifically, we like the truth wrapped in a jasmine scented bow. people who are not american (*ahem* nigerian men) tell you things like i don't know.... "your butt is huge but i like it." or "your breasts are in my face." *adjusts shirt* "they are stilll in my face because they are big. its okay. don't worry." with a big smile on their face. it is the truth but it kinda makes you go "damn...can i get a euphemism?" there is no gray area. he said, "nina, i like you. i am also sexually attracted to you. you smell nice." - not in one sentence but several sentences sprinkled in a conversation. gray areas for me cause anxiety. my whole relationship with the nigerian was freakin gray. yes, spell things out for me!!

i like that i can be myself. yes, i want to look good but i don't feel like that's all he sees. yes, i'm on my best behavior still but i can still say whatever i want to say. i can breathe.

anyways...see what i did there? i distracted myself from death and not having anything cold to drink in the house (sans tap water) so..i like that he does that. lol "oh yea baby...distract me...rarr"

Sunday/Monday

I wake up determined to focus on what God has to say to me. Surely, it has to be some type of balm to ease the stress of what I'm going through.

I go to church looking and feeling good. I know God's got my back.

I go to 9am service. At 10:30, I am walking in my door. BFF called and we decide to brunch. I change my clothes..still feeling foxy..I put on this flowy dress I got from Target, bright orange clutch, wood jewelry and my Jesus sandals from last year.

I liked my face in person but I kept photographing how I felt...hot..sweaty and a little tired.


(photos removed)




We brunch. We talk about the boys in our lives, childbirth, the usual. I then help BFF do some grocery shopping because she's preggo and needs all the motivation to do something productive she can get.

Later, I take Rocky for a walk in the park where he gets tired out (!!) by a Pomeranian who he desperately tries to hump.

All is well.

Monday.

I do NOTHING.
I get up. Shower and park my ass on my mom's couch. I stay there intermittently between walking Rocky and eating. I get a call later in the day. My mom's oldest sister's heart stopped. They were able to revive her but its not looking good.

Mom's going to stay in Charlotte until her sister's out of the woods.

As soon as I hang up with my mom, J calls. Our friend who has been in the ICU since last week has taken a turn for the worst. Doctors are looking grim. Oh and my grandma is also in the hospital.

AHhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!