captain obvious

i asked zhang what school does she go to. she said, "esl. english as a second language because i'm asian. i don't know english very well."

i smiled not wanting to laugh out loud literally.

that's like me telling her, "I'm black."

uhhh...duh. (on the asian part)

she's so cute and sweet though.
other than her...the other girls are catty, funny, horny, petty and are at some level of frustration with working with the company.

there was an incident yesterday where one of the girls told me to "do it yourself" with helping a customer because she wanted to put the sale down on her record sheet. i was like...for $14, you want to piss off your co-worker. i spoke to the manager about it because...clearly, they don't know that i don't play that shit. no one speaks to me crazy and i don't want to show them the hard way...by speaking to her even crazier. i have to keep professional because i'm a black lady with an afro. they expect less of me.

this chick goes hard in the paint to make $2,000 a day.
at the end of the year, if she makes $200,000, she gets a pin. if she makes $280,000, she gets $700. that's not even 10%...not even 5% of what she made the company but she's going to create enemies at work for $700 and a pin. ummm...yea ok. she has ONE MORE TIME to speak to me like she has no sense. brown people man...we get so caught up in nonsense.

the money i get paid is comparable to the money i make on unemployment which isn't much. she gets paid less than me. its like they throw pennies at us and we just can't get enough. gtfoh.

i've learned my lesson. my last job i worked crazy hours, had the company blackberry...was always stressed. and they just laid me off without even a courtesy of a thank you or a call to let me know i was laid off. i am NOT ever killing myself like that for a company again.

most of my day is spent trying to explain to people from spain, france, japan or korea what the hell foundation, toner, face wash, etc is using pantomime. the other part of my day is trying to figure out which of the 30 unlabeled drawers the product is in and making sure these chicks don't steal my customers.

i get home. my ankles, legs and knees are killing me. i'm grateful to have a job, especially because i just got a letter in the mail. i think my unemployment is ending.bff called today and said they abruptly ended her unemployment. she's going to have to find a way somehow. it was after 7:30, so i can't check my benefit status. i'm sure my benefits have ended too. so..i got this job in the nick of time.

but i'm still looking.

i was walking home and a lady had a black and white shih tzu with her. it was a girl and had a cute little red bow. i swear the dog almost walked up to me. it was panting a little bit which i equate to being a dog's version of a smile. i wanted to grab the dog and run but see above about my physical state after work and i guess that's wrong of me to do. lol. bff says its rocky's way of reaching out to me from beyond. i still expect to see him when i get home from work. i still smell him around the house (in a good way - the shampoo i used on him)...*sigh*

dk and i talk periodically. he says work is killing him. *sigh*
i'm not waiting for him but nothing else is striking my fancy right now. so...eh.

what else....
i decided i wanted to get a puzzle piece tattoo and i want my husband to get the puzzle piece that fits mine tattooed on him but i want the tattoo to be somewhere random like on my ribcage. *gasp* my husband should get the tattoo on his rib because that's where God made woman from..the man's rib. (things i think about on the train) i think it would be super cute.

i want braids but the african lady wants $250 for some poetic justice braids that go down to my waist.

NOT I SAID THE BLIND MAN!!

i'm sure even janet jackson didn't pay $250 for those damn braids back then.

i gotta do something. i'm starting to resent this bush on my head.

other than that...my apartment still looks like a crack den. if i dont do laundry soon, i'll have to wear boy shorts to work (and those thing give you a perma-wedgie all day). my grandmother's nursing home keeps calling me about stuff. i'm overwhelmed. its like i can only manipulate one part of my life at a time. my work life is (sorta) winning.

tmobile is bugging...they say that i need to pay them $109 for a phone i sent back a month ago because they haven't received it yet and $130 to replace the phone i have now because the screen is shattered. i paid $50 to get the phone in the first place...WTF?!

if its not one thing...its another!

that's it. hopefully i have the energy for more salicious reading soon.

the rain don't last + counter girls

(long post..but aren't all of my posts long?)

it has been 4 days since rocky died. it has felt like 2 weeks...easily.i feel as though those closest to me have never really experienced moments of sadness from me and thus, do not know how to handle such moments when they arise.i needed to be left alone.to deal with my own thoughts without fear that i'd end up consoling someone else (which usually ends up happening.)i needed to process. to go through the stages of grief without someone in my face. expecting. not sure exactly what they'd be expecting but they have that look on their face.

my apartment is borderline disgusting. i havent' cleaned. i've left things where ever they have decided to fall and i'm trying to get my act together. i'm just damned tired.sadness plus a new job, i guess.

at work, i have to put on a smiling face and pretend that everything around me is all roses. i also have to present myself a certain way and so that has helped, actually. i can't call out day 1 of work. i can't show up day 1 looking disheveled and crazy. so, i was forced all week to stretch myself..to shower, put on a full face of makeup and smile.maybe that was the hand of God. my sister thinks so.

people have said extremely dumb shit to me. starting with the guy who tried to help me catch rocky. a few hours later, after i'd cried myself into a headache that wouldn't quit i walked to the store. he and his friend were sitting out on their stoop. i walked by and they started whispering. his friend goes.."hey, did you cry?" i said, "excuse me?" he said, "did you cry over your dead dog?" i said, "fuck you think?" he said, "i was just wondering you bitch."and then various other people wondered aloud if i'd get a new dog, starting with my mom, just 2 hours after rocky had died. maybe you guys see the allure of putting myself in a bubble now.

i'd like to take this time to thank everyone who reached out to me! especially wynsters for threatening to show up at my house. love you boo! but no...thanks for all your support guys!i wanted to knock someone's head off their shoulders. but that could be the anger stage of grief talking. i haven't gotten around to packing up his stuff. i'm not sure if i want to give it away to someone who has a dog or keep it or throw it out or whatever. its the little things getting to me. like i still wake up 30 minutes early to walk him and then i wake up like...oh. or, i do things with him in mind every day like.let me close my bedroom door so he doesn't get into my shoes and then i do it like..oh. or, if have tissue in my purse, i remove it before i put my purse on the couch because i know the dog always gets it and then its all over my living room.i walk in the door expecting to see him. i go to bed waiting or i sit on the couch for him to jump on me. and then i remember he's not there. all week i had to take something to go to sleep because every time i closed my eyes i saw the whole thing happen again. smh. i'm trying. i know it will get better.

canine passing aside...this week has been extremely informative and productive for me as an artist.clinique is all about skin and skin care.

honestly, i have great skin. i understand it. i know how to keep it looking decent and it all has to do with genes and doing the wrong things early and paying dearly for it. that aside, what i know about skin care seems to be very limited as i am working for a company whose main bread and butter is skin care. i also suck at matching foundation on white, indian and asian women. the bulk of my work has been black women and the ladies of other races i've worked with have been easy to match since i had some time to think about it or have worked as professional models long enough to know what their shade of makeup is -- so, i've been cheating basically. i'm learning.

also, i worked with clinique foundation only when a model brought their own in..other than that...mac all the way. if i were working the mac counter, i could match more easily since honestly, they have way more specialized shades than clinique.98% of the people who show up at the counter are not black. 80% of those non-black people don't speak a lot of english. even still my average sales for this week was about $800 for the day which rocks. it would rock more if i got commission but...i'm not there to stay. i'm planning on being there for about 2 years. if i become managament in 2 years, i might consider staying or if i'm in school, i need to pay for that ish. or a better job. lots of ORS but the bottom line is...i'm pitching a tent not building a house.

i'm rusty when it comes to the workforce. i've never quite had to depend on other people as an actual team as opposed to a fictitious team they say you are in the workplace to boost morale when you hardly speak to your cubicle-mate. but i have to depend on my coworkers very heavily. even more heavily because there are like 20 drawers where all the merchandise is held that are unlabeled (WTF for?!) and i'm super new and the cash register is weird for me and i need help matching foundations. i feel like a fish out of water flapping around like crazy while trying to smile and be confident.one thing i learned this week:if you act like you know what you're doing but don't say anything contrary..people will believe you.if you say you know what you're doing but act like you don't..people will not believe you.i smile. i'm super nice and i'm confident.i'm also hella cautious.

you smash 7 girls at a makeup counter the size of a utility closet and there is going to be DRAMA!sales (of course) are a major thing. no one has stressed me about it because i'm new and my sales are pretty good. i'm sure they think i'm promising but are watching me with bated breath because as i was told, everyone is a superstar the first month. the 2nd month, they get burned out a bit. we'll see.so, its time to add my coworkers to this lil blog of mine. yes? yes.as always, names are changed to protect the innocent and not so innocent.

first person i met was:frenchie - frenchie is tall, busty and slim. she's 39 but looks 25. the eyes and mannerisms give her away. i thought she was dominican for some reason but she's jamaican. she's nice, patient and helps me a lot so i give her some of my sales.

daria - black girl (?) who speaks spanish. she's funny and i think she likes me in that sister-girl way. has a major ATTITUDE. hates the job. was the one who told me we don't get commission while makeup counters everywhere else get at least 3% + they make more. i also realized i make more money than her. i make 90 cents more. i found that out because she was saying something about....

shy - shy is a spanish girl who has a dry personality. she's causing a lot of drama because all the other girls hate her, basically. she's the manager's pet and was basically out for a month without calling when the policy is 3 days no call no show and you're out the door. then, she got her gratis (free stuff the company gives you each quarter) because they said "she never left" and she was never penalized for missing a whole month of work. shy goes super hard promoting and getting customer sales. she also (as i've seen) makes a huge deal of everything. someone said something to her in a manner she didn't like and it was a conversation for an hour at least. AND she involved a manager. i was like...really? meanwhile, she said something to me i didn't like and i let it slide. the next time, i'll call her out on it. and then hear her talk about it for an hour. *rolling my eyes*

raoutie - indian girl with very bad bad skin. her makeup is always a little too much and she has an overbite. she's very peppy and speaks very loudly like all the time. she says my name wrong. like n-eh-na instead of nee-na if that makes sense. its annoying. she's nice enough, i guess. *shrug*monroe - 33 but looks 19. she's very particular and she has to do things a certain way. she's nice and helpful but she loves to tell me what to do. and i just look at her and don't do it. i like when black girls wear bright pink lips but hers are a little too bright. then, she doesn't blend her makeup in at her jawline so she ends up with a mask-like thing where you see where he skin is and where her makeup begins.

zhang - is chinese. i don't really talk to her and i'm fine with that. i smile at her. she smiles back. i thought she got an attitude with me when i was helping some chinese girls. especially when she said something to them in chinese and they responded in english that i was helping them. (like she tried to steal my sale) but..whatevs. sherice is on vacay so i haven't met her.

alice is my boss. she's jamaican and has bad bad skin. dark marks that you can see through makeup. she needs mac not clinique.she seems cool. i heard to watch out for her because she gets loose with the lips. hopefully, i give off the vibe that i'm nice but to not get to slick with me. manager or no, there's a way you talk to people, capiche.
i heard another manager at the beginning of the year was waiting for her at the train station to whoop her ass after she said something to her she didn't like. WOW.

i think i'm going to write a book called counter girls where i satire what my experience has been like. we'll see. other stuff happening. hopefully, i can get some posts out soon.

covered mirrors

every morning, rocky wakes me up by licking my fingers. he jumps on my bed and sniffs my face or snuggles next to me and whimpers. i push him off and hit snooze.when i get up, he runs in front of me and sits down and watches me use the bathroom. he jumps up on the couch where i take the moment to snuggle him, tell him i love him and he's the cutest fluffiest thing on earth.

we walk out the door.

he stops at every tree. he sniffs. he poops about halfway down the block.we cross the street and walk up a hill. there are 6 trees on that block. he stops at every one of them and sniffs them and he pees a little at each tree. we get to the end of the block and he does it again with or without pee.

when we get to my driveway, he runs and does a few laps in the grass.

i tell him goodbye as i walk out the door for work. when i get home, we do it again.
last night, after his run in the grass, he smelled like cat urine so i gave him a bath.

oh em gee.

he fought me as soon as he realized he was in the tub. i tried to dry him off, he jumped out of my arms and ran from one end of the apartment to the next trying to dry himself off.

he went to sleep.
i've been having crazy insomnia lately...not falling asleep until anywhere between 4 and 7am. when you have to get up for work at 6am...that is NOT cool.

this morning, i woke up late.
i got up. i snuggled rocky. i told him i loved him and that i had to leave.
i got home. put his collar on and walked him outside.
i stopped him from going in the grass because i just bathed him. halfway down the block, he wiggled free from his collar and ran as fast as he could. i called his name. i tried to catch him but he was so super duper fast. 2 other people tried to help me but they couldn't. i was in flip flops and i slid on something and fell in the street. he ran in between cars that were parked and my heart started to flutter. he ran clear diagonally across the street. one of the guys helping me catch him said.."this is dangerous. i hope we catch your dog."

not 1 minute later, rocky ran across the street just as the light turned green. a mini-bus hit him. it looked as though he broke his neck. he died instantly.

i keep replaying it in my head. i wanted to get him a harness instead of a collar. i was supposed to do it today but i was so tired from not sleeping, i just wanted to come home, walk him, take a nap and pick it up tomorrow.

i thought i tightened his collar before we left. why didn't he come to me when i called him? he's never run across the street. he's never run away from me like that. he never leaves my side. he follows me everywhere.

i picked him up out of the street. the next car saw him and stopped. someone called 911. the driver stopped. he looked like he was going to be sick. he said he has 4 cats at home. i thanked everyone for their help. i walked home with him in my arms. his eyes were still open. a little blood was in his mouth. he wasn't breathing. he was gone. he felt so heavy. i called bff. i got a box and wrapped him in a sheet. we drove to the animal care and control of nyc.

they took him away.

bff brought me some food. i text my friends that knew and loved rocky. people were calling and texting. as bff handed me my food, my phone dropped and the screen shattered. it looks like a huge spiderweb.

i can't believe he's gone.
i want it to be a dream. i'm sitting on the couch waiting for him to jump up and sit next to me. i'm waiting for him to continuously hit me with his red ball forcing me to play fetch with him. 7am, he wants to play fetch as i'm trying to get ready for work. midnight, i get home from being out, he wants to play fetch.

he was my friend. i talked to him all day every day. he was the first face i saw every morning and the last face every night. i told him i loved him every chance i got.

i don't know how to deal.
someone please tell me this was just a cruel joke. i keep expecting the acc to call me and tell me i made a mistake. he is alive. he was just unconscious. but its not true.

its not a joke. my sweet puppy who always brought me so much joy died today.
there's nothing to say...there's no music to listen to...no movies or tv shows to watch...nothing to make me feel better. nothing that will bring him back. he's gone.

Weekend Round-Up

I need to stop talking to other dog-owners. They scare the be-jeezus out of you.

Yesterday, my neighbor who has a Pekingese told me I need to really watch out for Rocky while walking him in the neighborhood because our neighbor who had a maltese was walking her last summer - her dog got attacked by a pitbull that was off its chain. The pit took the maltese's head off. My other friend had a Yorkie who was attacked by a pit who latched on to the dog's neck and had lockjaw. The poor dog was thrown around so bad, he died. The same neighbor had another Pek that was attacked by a Rottweiler who took his eye out. And on and on the stories go about cutesy little dogs that get attacked by bigger dogs while being walked.

The one about the dog that got her head taken off gave me nightmares last night. I love Rocky like my child. And then, this morning on our walk, I tied Rocky's leash to the fence outside the store to get a tea and a muffin. I would be in an out in 3 minutes. I was in the store for 2 minutes when a man came in and said, "Miss, your dog is free," and there Rocky was at the door licking the man's shoes. .

This little dog pushed his head through his collar. The man was like, "Yes, I watched him as soon as you tied him up. He was fighting boy!" I thanked him thinking about all the scenarios that could've happened. The Good Samaritan could've just scooped Rocky up without a second thought. Rocky could've run into the street. Another dog could've gotten to him....all these things. I hit Rocky 3 times saying "Bad DOG!" I was so pissed! (and a little embarrassed)

When we got home, I said, "I'm angry with you. Leave me alone." He surely did walk into the other room. 15 minutes later, he tried to smooth things over with a game of fetch. "No, I'm still mad." He went and played by himself. (I don't think he can really understand me. I think dogs can feel energy.)

------------------- BFF called me Saturday afternoon as I was meeting up with her mom and other bestie Toni to do some baby shower shopping. I told her I was on my way to Target and if she wanted to she could come by later. I was frying fish.

The Punjabi mess hasn't been straightened out really. He bought her a car. He's been spending a lot more time with her but she says he's been causing a lot of anxiety because he still hasn't told his mom about her being pregnant and she's worried about how his family will accept her and the baby. She wants to take a break from him. To soothe her melancholy, I told her to come over. We'd watch a movie. I'd feed her. All would be right with the world. Also, Twin was coming over to play with Rocky...he's good at making people laugh.

As me, Twin, Toni and BFF's mom are in the car on the way home. Toni was talking about her dog, Diva nonstop. Then she said, "I'm surprised you got a dog. I thought you didn't like pets. I thought you threw your cat out the window. That's what BFF told me." My face was hot. WHY THE FUCK would BFF tell her that and if she did, WHY would Toni repeat it? I denied it for the sake of her mom and made a mental note to smack BFF when I saw her. I did throw the cat out the window. Afroman and I had just broke up. I found out he left me for his ex and moved upstate to be with her. I had the flu. The cat hated me and only liked Afroman. She was always pooping in the bathtub. I was allergic to her and itchy eyes really just added to the misery I was in. I took it out on her and its not like I live up really high. I live on the 2nd floor. I threw her out in the backyard where it was grassy and she came back the next day.

I got home and started frying up the fish and called BFF to come over. She said she would be on her way. About 15 minutes later, I hear Toni's loud ass mouth. "NINA! NINA!" screaming my name in my hallway not sure which apartment was mine. Not only did she bring her Yorkie, but she also brought Aidan, BFF's cousin. I was even more pissed! BFF was in the car talking to Punjabi. I really hate when people bring others without consulting you to see if its okay first. I was so annoyed. One, because Toni talks non-stop and two, I had a house full of people and wasn't really prepared.

My mom always taught me to always plan for more especially when you're cooking because you never know who will show up for dinner. Thankfully, I had enough for 5 when I only planned for 2. (BFF added at the last minute.) I pulled her to the side when she finally came upstairs. "The least you could've done was text me that you were bringing other people." "I'm sorry. I was busy texting Punjabi." "Whatever." Ohhhhhhhhh. If I could slap a pregnant woman, I would!

My quiet Saturday night was anything but with Toni's dog barking at Rocky anytime he got near her. He's a pup, he wants to play. Finally, Rocky started barking back. Then, Aidan pissed me off with a side remark about Jesus. We were trying to get a wine bottle open. He was like, "Why do we need wine? We could drink water?" I said, "Jesus turned water into wine. Its the next best thing." Toni said, "Amen. Hallelujah. Fill my glass." Aidan gets all serious and says..."Don't believe that shit white people tell you. That story is bullshit." He was about to get worked up when I looked him in the eye and said, "Enough."

Believe what you want but don't disrespect what I believe..especially in my own damn house!Aidan is so weird! This is the same guy that was a Jesus-fanatic last year. Dude is so lost! I cut him some slack. His dad died about a month ago.

The night went on and when the movie went off at 10:30, I politely kicked everyone out. I had enough of Toni's loud mouth, Diva barking, Rocky trying to hump people and playing hostess when I thought it would be just me and 2 close friends.

Aidan said, "Are you really kicking us out?" I just smiled.
I'd been up since 8. 2 hours of dance rehearsal, 3 hours of baby shower shopping, traveling all over Brooklyn, and cooking tallied up to way too many hours on my feet.

Yes. I sure was.

Sunday was uneventful except for the guilt I felt missing church.
Anywhosies...it was a great weekend but I'm still trying to get the fish smell out of my house. I'm about to boil some cinnamon.