RnR

I have the weekend off! Yay!

I get one full weekend off per month with the new job and this was it.

I'm excited. I hope that its the 1st weekend of every month just so that I can have my bday weekend...(errr...next month) off. I'm new so, I can't really call out or go around requesting stuff so...I'm just going to say a little prayer.

I took advantage of the weekend by doing grocery shopping (care of BFF.) My Christmas gift was 3 bags of groceries which I said hell yes to...I didn't go IN. I just got some fruit, juice, milk, stuff to make spaghetti with and some donuts. After I got home, there was all this stuff I WISHED I'd thought of although I had a list...

Anywhosies...free groceries really are saving me this week since my paycheck was kind of short and the next paycheck will be as well...changing jobs sucks....you never really have great overlap.

I have some big plans for this year and I'm trying to put them all into motion. I think slowly but surely, I am. These things are attainable.

I think I need to see a doctor or change my eating habits or something. The whole week I felt super-lethargic. I would look at my living room (which I am pulling up the carpet and putting down vinyl tile and just go into my bedroom (where the floor is literally covered in clothes) and just go to sleep. I would put in maybe 30 minutes of work and then lay down.
That is the main reason I didn't want to run around this weekend...I really just wanted some rest.

This week, I plan to get back "on" it and really get moving on my home projects. The next big event is my birthday. I am kind of dragging my feet making plans.

Firstly, I hate group dinners in my honor. I really would like a date. But....a month left and there's no one there that I would want to take me out....*sigh*

A few months ago, Twin asked what I wanted to do on my day....I said, Enjoy a spa day alone. Have my hair fly and go on a date with someone hot (and maybe a little bday acttion)

I'm not sure what I want to do and I definitely don't want to spend the evening alone but I don't want a big crowd.

Can someone hook me up with a date? I like black, attractive, smart, funny, sane and taller than 5"7. Please and thank you.

happy and sad

i'm super happy to be going to houston. i arrive 11:59 on this thursday evening and its amazing that trish has been generous enough to help me with a ticket and open her doors to me (and my pooch)...who does that?? thank you!!!

this trip has been the light at the end of the tunnel for me because there are so many things making me sad here. i'm going to try and balance the happy with the sad.

happy
louie (i changed the spelling of his name) is so sweet and he listens to commands. he peed on my floor and i told him to go! and he went...lol.

sad
aussie and i were supposed to hang out last night. i told myself ...i would not confirm the date nor would i cook because i want to see his intentions. i am usually the one confirming our meet-ups just because i am super type a all the time and i always have a hot meal waiting for him. i was kind of OVER aussie anyway because we were also supposed to hang out on friday at his house which he conveniently misunderstood as us meeting at my house. i've known this dude for 3 years and i still haven't been invited to his house. something is fishy. so..anyways,i did compromise and agree to meet at my house on sunday because i wanted to see him before i left for houston and i really just needed a hug and a kiss. you know..some affection. but not really sex cuz that ish is PAINFUL right now.

anyways....sunday, i get a text from him asking, "what's for dinner?"
me: ?
aussie: oh ok then
me: you're welcome to bring something
aussie: i don't have anything (umm, what does that mean?)
me: so, you going home first?
aussie: i don't have food at home. (IS IT MY RESPONSIBILITY TO FEED YOU?)
me: so, what do you want to do?
aussie: idk
me: ok, let me know.

did he indeed let me know? NO. I actually called him today and he didn't pick up.

HOW RUDE!

so, i went through the motions: angry then sad. hoping indifference would be next.
its not about being stood up...its about me not providing a need for him and him going ghost. ugh! i don't even want to talk about it anymore. i knew better. i deserve better and i'm just not going to go backwards anymore.

sn: how you gonna be on facebook talking about.."call you anything but broke" and all this other shit and you don't even have money for food. you can't even bring over some chinese to my house. i bet if i said all this shit about how i can do splits and cartwheels in the bedroom and then when it came down to it, said i was celibate, i'd get into some serious trouble. OVER IT.

happy
i went IN on my makeup today. i looked really nice.

sad.
my job.
is killing me.
as wynsters says all the time, "i need a grown up job with a grown up salary."
i got picked on hella hard today and was threateneed to be sent home if i don't keep my white lab coat clean.
firstly, WHO THE FUCK gives someone who works with makeup all day a white lab coat? THEN, i'm expected to clean dust, get stock from a dirty stock room and do all this foolishness in a white lab coat.
PLEASE SEND ME FUCKING HOME. Jerk.
oh yea...AND my nails are hunter green when they're supposed to be clear, pink or red. I really want to be like "Fuck OFf!"

i'm so tired. i'm so tired. i'm so tired.
i gotta make some major changes.

happy.
we danced yesterday in church and people are giving us rave reviews.

sad.
bff is lost in the baby sauce.
chick doesn't respond to texts/phone calls until days later. i called her on friday and am still waiting for a response (monday night)...smh.
i want to ask her to take me to the airport on thursday but honestly, walking to the airport seems like an easier option. like, by the time, i'd get a yes or a no...i'll already be in houston or be looking for a ride back home from the airport.
i'm kind of over that situation too.
we're just 2 different people. i always reach out to the people around me. i couldn't really be in a bubble like that...not unless i purposefully did so and that would mean serious depression.its just annoying.



happy.
i'm pretty sure i have first world problems and it could be worse. i'm blessed.

Updates!

I'm still alive ya'll.

Let me try to update you guys in a way that in concise and ish.

Love and Other Drugs

In my mind DK and I are done-zo. I'd been weaning myself off of thinking about him after we went out about 2 or 3 weeks ago. We met up and sat in Bryant Park. We talked about some things. He basically said what he always says...hold on....when I start school it will be better. I'll have less jobs...yadda yadda yadda....

I won't lie. I was kinda stuck on him because I don't like anyone. A man has to have the right mix of intellect, ambition, humor and social skills for me to melt like butter. He has it. Every relationship needs attention and affection to grow and we weren't growing. So, I needed to move on so that I wouldn't remain stuck and I wouldn't start resenting him.

At the end of the day, I felt like he had me on lay-away and that he just wasn't that into me. Today in church, my pastor said the craziest thing. He said, "Ladies, don't you ever wait for a man. Once you wait and they come back to you, they realize they've outgrown you." - Oh hells nawl. I'm not going to be a sucka. All I can see is...*Antoine D voice* 'He is dumb. he is really really dumb' - to not want to scoop my flyy ass up. *drops mic* "Sexual Chocolate everybody!"

So, of course in my craziness, I decided to try Match.com on the insistence of BFF and Toni Childs. I tried it free and poked my head around because I felt like anyone paying $20 - $40 a month is hella serious about finding someone. Of course, all the dudes that hit me up were over 40, sometimes over 50. and white. Ummm, I would date a white boy. He has to be a certain type of man. Old and over 50 is not him. So, I need to delete my profile.

Smh.

I think I'm just going to give this whole dating thing a rest. Its becoming an anxious thing for me. Everytime I go out, I think...am I going to see a cute guy today? If so, will he/I be interested? Its a drain!

That draining feeling is what kind of kept me stuck on DK for longer than it would've normally had...because the process of finding someone sucks. I guess because they're supposed to find you.

I am kinda lonely though. Lonely is no joke. Lonely eats at you. Lonely gets you into trouble because you run to the wrong things trying to get away from it. It hasn't driven me insane yet. So, I guess I'm alright.


Work and Projects

Work was kicking my ass for a while (like a month and a half). I literally am at work all day like "these people are nuts!" My body is used to standing up all day. Its the salary that needs adjusting. I'm trying to move my way up and stuff.

I was Service Leader of the Day which means I got $10, my pic on the wall in the lunchroom and 3 pseudo-expensive perfumes. The other girls are hating. So, me being me, I started singing Trina "Baddest Bitch" to them.

My boss keeps saying that I'm her favorite. That ish is going to cause contention with my co-workers soon. I can tell but I'm hoping that it'll be okay. I may have an opportunity to do a makeup event with my company and go traveling to the different stores. *crossed fingers*

I need more money!! Damn!

I resigned my position at the magazine. It feels like a weight off my shoulders. I wished Editor the best and I meant it. Her dependency on me was probably holding her back. Who knows? Only God.

Friends

BFF had Baby BFF on August 16th. She was 7lbs 10oz. She is a doll!!!
Punjabi has been really excellent with the baby and of course BFF has stars in her eyes and ish. she needs to get real about what she wants and what's feasibly her future with dude.

He overheard me and Toni talking bad about him. I felt bad and sent him an apology text. My friendship with BFF is changing. I realized two things about her.

1. She can't hold water. She told me about a conversation she had with her ex-husband. She told him that Toni was having a relationship with her cousin. She told everyone that Toni was having a relationship with her cousin. She told her ex that Toni saw him on TV twice in the same jeans. The first thing he said was, "Tell Toni to stop fucking her cousin." O.O In the moment, it was funny but then I thought...if she told this man she speaks to maybe 10 times a year something hella personal about Toni, what has she told him about me? What does Toni know about me if I know some SHIT about her? For a moment, it felt hypocritical of me to blog about her in detail and I have told Twin some stuff about BFF and Toni but the people I've told stuff, I know they would never ever throw it back in her face. The chances of you blog readers of meeting me and her aren't that slim but I'm sure you decent people wouldn't be like..."wait, are you the girl that was fucking her cousin?" after saying hello.

Now that I think about it, Toni mentioned something in mixed company that I did and I was hella embarassed about it. She only knew about it because BFF told her. SO, I guess that puts the nail in that coffin. Moral of the day, ladies and gents, if a friend tells you something and you just MUST share it: blog it anonymously and make sure they don't dig blogs, tell someone whom you know will never tell another soul or at least blurt it out in front of them or just tell it to Jesus.

2. Toni also said she would stop telling BFF about her relationship with Punjabi. Clearly, she's not going anywhere. Why should I listen to her bitch and moan about what he does to her - what she allows him to do to her - when she doesn't heed my advice? My advice hasn't changed... Leave that n-word alone! Since she wants to marry him (!!!) and make babies with him and such...what I say is like a drop in a bucket of water - inconsequential.

I know our relationship is changing because once you start limiting your communication with people...what you can and can't say to them...its over!

But the other part of me is saying I need life-long friends around me. What do you think?


That's all for now.

Weekend Round-Up

I need to stop talking to other dog-owners. They scare the be-jeezus out of you.

Yesterday, my neighbor who has a Pekingese told me I need to really watch out for Rocky while walking him in the neighborhood because our neighbor who had a maltese was walking her last summer - her dog got attacked by a pitbull that was off its chain. The pit took the maltese's head off. My other friend had a Yorkie who was attacked by a pit who latched on to the dog's neck and had lockjaw. The poor dog was thrown around so bad, he died. The same neighbor had another Pek that was attacked by a Rottweiler who took his eye out. And on and on the stories go about cutesy little dogs that get attacked by bigger dogs while being walked.

The one about the dog that got her head taken off gave me nightmares last night. I love Rocky like my child. And then, this morning on our walk, I tied Rocky's leash to the fence outside the store to get a tea and a muffin. I would be in an out in 3 minutes. I was in the store for 2 minutes when a man came in and said, "Miss, your dog is free," and there Rocky was at the door licking the man's shoes. .

This little dog pushed his head through his collar. The man was like, "Yes, I watched him as soon as you tied him up. He was fighting boy!" I thanked him thinking about all the scenarios that could've happened. The Good Samaritan could've just scooped Rocky up without a second thought. Rocky could've run into the street. Another dog could've gotten to him....all these things. I hit Rocky 3 times saying "Bad DOG!" I was so pissed! (and a little embarrassed)

When we got home, I said, "I'm angry with you. Leave me alone." He surely did walk into the other room. 15 minutes later, he tried to smooth things over with a game of fetch. "No, I'm still mad." He went and played by himself. (I don't think he can really understand me. I think dogs can feel energy.)

------------------- BFF called me Saturday afternoon as I was meeting up with her mom and other bestie Toni to do some baby shower shopping. I told her I was on my way to Target and if she wanted to she could come by later. I was frying fish.

The Punjabi mess hasn't been straightened out really. He bought her a car. He's been spending a lot more time with her but she says he's been causing a lot of anxiety because he still hasn't told his mom about her being pregnant and she's worried about how his family will accept her and the baby. She wants to take a break from him. To soothe her melancholy, I told her to come over. We'd watch a movie. I'd feed her. All would be right with the world. Also, Twin was coming over to play with Rocky...he's good at making people laugh.

As me, Twin, Toni and BFF's mom are in the car on the way home. Toni was talking about her dog, Diva nonstop. Then she said, "I'm surprised you got a dog. I thought you didn't like pets. I thought you threw your cat out the window. That's what BFF told me." My face was hot. WHY THE FUCK would BFF tell her that and if she did, WHY would Toni repeat it? I denied it for the sake of her mom and made a mental note to smack BFF when I saw her. I did throw the cat out the window. Afroman and I had just broke up. I found out he left me for his ex and moved upstate to be with her. I had the flu. The cat hated me and only liked Afroman. She was always pooping in the bathtub. I was allergic to her and itchy eyes really just added to the misery I was in. I took it out on her and its not like I live up really high. I live on the 2nd floor. I threw her out in the backyard where it was grassy and she came back the next day.

I got home and started frying up the fish and called BFF to come over. She said she would be on her way. About 15 minutes later, I hear Toni's loud ass mouth. "NINA! NINA!" screaming my name in my hallway not sure which apartment was mine. Not only did she bring her Yorkie, but she also brought Aidan, BFF's cousin. I was even more pissed! BFF was in the car talking to Punjabi. I really hate when people bring others without consulting you to see if its okay first. I was so annoyed. One, because Toni talks non-stop and two, I had a house full of people and wasn't really prepared.

My mom always taught me to always plan for more especially when you're cooking because you never know who will show up for dinner. Thankfully, I had enough for 5 when I only planned for 2. (BFF added at the last minute.) I pulled her to the side when she finally came upstairs. "The least you could've done was text me that you were bringing other people." "I'm sorry. I was busy texting Punjabi." "Whatever." Ohhhhhhhhh. If I could slap a pregnant woman, I would!

My quiet Saturday night was anything but with Toni's dog barking at Rocky anytime he got near her. He's a pup, he wants to play. Finally, Rocky started barking back. Then, Aidan pissed me off with a side remark about Jesus. We were trying to get a wine bottle open. He was like, "Why do we need wine? We could drink water?" I said, "Jesus turned water into wine. Its the next best thing." Toni said, "Amen. Hallelujah. Fill my glass." Aidan gets all serious and says..."Don't believe that shit white people tell you. That story is bullshit." He was about to get worked up when I looked him in the eye and said, "Enough."

Believe what you want but don't disrespect what I believe..especially in my own damn house!Aidan is so weird! This is the same guy that was a Jesus-fanatic last year. Dude is so lost! I cut him some slack. His dad died about a month ago.

The night went on and when the movie went off at 10:30, I politely kicked everyone out. I had enough of Toni's loud mouth, Diva barking, Rocky trying to hump people and playing hostess when I thought it would be just me and 2 close friends.

Aidan said, "Are you really kicking us out?" I just smiled.
I'd been up since 8. 2 hours of dance rehearsal, 3 hours of baby shower shopping, traveling all over Brooklyn, and cooking tallied up to way too many hours on my feet.

Yes. I sure was.

Sunday was uneventful except for the guilt I felt missing church.
Anywhosies...it was a great weekend but I'm still trying to get the fish smell out of my house. I'm about to boil some cinnamon.

gin + grease

Before I went to bed, I told myself “No church tomorrow!” and I meant it. I woke up at 10:30 am today craving white wine mimosas and pancakes. I called Editor and requested brunch. She told me she had an interview at 12 and that she could meet me at 2. I told her to tell herself she was meeting me at 1:30. We both laughed.

After we hung up, BFF called me. Punjabi’s live-in gf was blowing up her phone from Punjabi’s phone and from her own phone, leaving angry voicemails and texts – really upsetting her. She was convinced the girl was going to come over to her house with a gun and blow her away- Joey Buttafuco style. I calmed her down as Editor called me to tell me she was getting on the train. (Logistics: It was 1:30 at the time of the call. It takes 25 minutes to get from where she is to where we were going. It takes me 40 minutes to get there. I was still in undies when she called.) I told her I was running (quote unquote) a few minutes late. She said it was fine.

Cute outfit secured complete with sky high lace-up wedge heels that make me feel bad ass and I’m sitting at the bar looking stupid waiting. By the grace of The Almighty, I was there at 2:15. I waited 15 minutes and started calling and leaving messages.
It was 2:45 when she called.

“We are at the train”
(in my head) Who is we?

I foolishly thought she meant she was at the train station at the place where we were meeting. I was wrong. She was still in HARLEM. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat the eff?
At 3:30, she’s strolling with the magazine’s videographer. I thought I would be able to brush it off and seriously, those pancakes and mimosas were calling my name. As soon as I saw her, my cheeks flushed. I was LIVID.

Where were you? Why are you so late? I’ve been waiting for an hour and 15 minutes for you!

I didn’t know what time you were going to be here. I didn’t think it was such a big deal.

I told you I was going to be a few minutes late. Instead of 2pm, I was here at 2:15. What the fuck?

I’m sorry.

Videographer : Blame me. Its my fault.

(I don’t even look at him) Y’know, Editor, every time we’re supposed to meet up, you’re at least an hour late. Is that fair to me and my time?

She has the look of a deer caught in headlights.

I’m leaving. I really don’t want to scream at you in the street.

You’re what?! I came down here just for you.

I’m leaving. I can’t even look at you.

I really wanted to add a well-placed “Fuck off” – its my curse-phrase of choice…instead me and my sky-high wedges walked off in a huff. I thanked God for keeping my balance in those things because I’m very clumsy and I fall. That would’ve been horrible timing – falling in the midst of your huff walk.

I was so pissed I was shaking. I’m so done with situations like that. Seriously, I should’ve stayed true to my 15 minute rule…but honestly, I paid the money to get on the train. I didn’t want it to be in vain. By giving Editor the courtesy of letting her know I was running late, I opened the door for her inconsideration. I’m so done. I could’ve hit her.

I took the train to be with BFF. By the time I got there, Punjabi’s live-in called numerous times. BFF answered.

BASICALLY…Punjabi told her he wanted to have fun – that was his reason for WANTING to break up. They’re not broken up. Live-in was upset that Punjabi had never mentioned her and she had no inclination that he was cheating steadily for 2 years. She also wanted to know where/how they meet up because he’s home in the bed with her every night. She said “Oh, he only goes to your house and meets you in his car. Nowhere public?” BFF felt like a whore. She didn’t tell Live-in about the baby on the way.

Lawd.

BFF fixed me and Toni Childs (her other bff) some gin and orange juice. We laughed. We almost cried about it. We invoked the name of Jesus to try and smack some sense into the girl.

No dice.

I asked… “What happens in 15 years if you choose to stay with him and you’re the one calling some 25 year old girl about your man?”

Scary stuff.

We ordered a pizza and watched Eat.Pray.Love and felt all warm and fuzzy inside. On my way home, I rubbed my eyes. I wore minimal makeup..just some mascara and lipstick. I smudged my mascara so bad that it looked like someone punched me in the eye. Also, a stray cat stalked me at the bus stop. I was standing there and it was standing there looking up at me. I moved, it followed. I moved again. It followed.

Creepy.

this fish

oh...i thought i was away from the blog for longer. it certainly feels like it.

i feel so unmotivated.
laundry is piled high. dishes have been in the sink since forever. i can't remember the last time i went grocery shopping. cleaning the house is a project. looking for jobs feels like i'm looking for gold. i don't think i'm depressed. i'm just blah.

the only real things that keep me going are rugby and rocky.
if i am not up to get his morning walk in, he poops on my carpet. that's great motivation, yes?! yes.

if i take an extended nap in the middle of the day and miss play time or his afternoon walk, he whimpers at the foot of my bed and doesn't really stop until i either get up or fall deep enough to sleep i don't hear him anymore. luckily, he pees on a wee wee pad in the far corner of the living room all on his own! YES!!!! it is an ideal spot because no one can see yellow-stained pads on my floor.

rugby starts next thursday. i am SO not ready.
it was awesome to play in college. the only other sport i liked was soccer. this game has the weird rules of a soccer game but i can release the beast - the stress and aggression i feel almost all the time. i've been running with rocky every day. right now, i can't run more than half a mile but baby steps.

why is it so hard to get motivated???????

rugby rules in case you have no clue what it is.


bff is really upset over punjabi. he's not being the nurturing father to be at all. it is really sad. she's asked him every day for a back rub. he either says he will do it and doesn't or changes the subject. last week, his live-in girlfriend moved out. he still didn't tell her why. so, she moved back in the next day. she said she wants another fertility procedure with him and if he doesn't concede, she's not leaving. a week later, she said she would move out to be with her sister. maybe said sister talked some sense into her. bff is slowly realizing that she's been an idiot to be with this dude. she said to me, "i'm going through all of this ridicule from my family who knows the situation. my friends - ya'll love me so you're not being too harsh but i know ya'll are looking ar me sideways. i'm going through all these emotional changes. constant headaches, nausea, a roller coaster of emotions and for nothing..to give this man a baby." heavy stuff. anyways...the live-in gf doesn't want a house. she wants a family with him. live-in and bff are crazy. why would you want a family with someone who is morally corrupt?

i went to see an erotic poetry show on sunday. the lawd's day!
wow.
it was amazing. there were men and women, gay and straight. funny, sensual, freaky and open.
it was a great show. i thought i would leave and have to hump something immediately but it kind of reinforced my celibacy. all of the things people were talking about were things i want to do...BUT not with some loser i can't even look back on the experience and smile about. Jesus, send me my husband!

i am very attracted to this transman (transexual male. used to be a woman but is now a man) and i was confused. whyyyyyy? he's freaking sexy. i posted his pic before. he has really smooth chocolate skin with a goatee. his arms, chest, back, abs are all on point. he hits the gym everyday. he's really smart, funny and flirty. but then, i started thinking...about him naked. he still has a vagina. which kind of ruins the sexual aspect. but, he has everything else. part of the allure of having sex to me is making that person feel good. to get personal...(haha) i do kegel exercises and stuff like that to make sure when a man penetrates, it feels damn good. i want him to feel me and i want to feel him. no matter HOW realistic a dildo is...that just won't do. i will continue to flirt and stuff. he knows the deal. after our last talk, he looked deep in my eyes and said.."too bad you're straight." yes. yes....too bad indeed.

this was also at a dinner where i kissed a gay guy. my friend db is so freakin sexy...another smooth-skinned chocolate brother. i've loved him since 2004! we were all at dinner...i was the only straight girl at a table of 10 gays..our friend died last week (gay man) and we had just left his funeral...drinks were flowing. we were reminiscing over him...and then talk came to what do you want to do before you die? db without hesitation kissed me on the lips. i was stunned but i liked it.do you know this boy was tryna make out with me at the dinner table with our friends...TOO MUCH! he wants to make a date to make out...he said he's never made out with a girl before.

it is so easy to cross the line and become out of control.

what else is going on????????
some other stuff...will share later.

p.s. title of this post comes from the blog: "this fish needs a bicycle"...love that blog and the title. it's from a quote that says "a woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle." to which the blog author says...this fish needs a bike. clever.

the blame game

I don't need to have male friends because I have a crush on damn near all of them! How dare they all be so cute, funny, smart, witty and intuitive! Also, how dare they be like my brothers and it feels so damn incestuous to even think of them as being so amazing! *sigh* (These statements will make sense in a minute)

BFF is 4 months preggo and her little belly is all sticking out now...I felt it and it was hard and round like ummm...a pregnant person's. So surreal. She calls me today like...Punjabi broke up with his girlfriend. She packed all of her stuff and left. He still didn't tell her WHY he doesn't want to be with her and that tomorrow, he will tell his mother about BFF. Punjabi feels bad and wants to buy the chick a house. BFF feels bad and wants to have a sit-down conversation with her. I told her straight up. Why feel bad NOW? Why not feel bad in January 2009 when you found out about the girl? Why not feel bad and STOP effing him in June 2009 when ya'll got back together? How come he didn't feel bad when he pursued you aggressively, dated you and had sex with you countless times without protection? Why not feel bad and break up after the first abortion? Why do you want to talk to her now? What are you going to say? I'm sorry. Please! Sorry doesn't undo 2 years of you willingly effing her man. Punjabi wants to buy her a house...she does want the house. She's always wanted a house but WITH him. Buying her a damn house does not fix that he carried on a double life. You want to apologize for busting up an 11-year relationship to make yourself feel better. Saying sorry does nothing for her.

I HAD TO SAY IT! C'mon son!

Then, I go on BBM and my boyy BP is like.."Yea, I know Aquarians...ya'll will flip on you and then hug you in the same sentence." It was eerie. lol

I said...you know...its the truth. It needs to be said but it doesn't mean I don't love you.
Am I wrong though?

I Used to be Fat

Hey Guys!

Quick Update
Yes, Punjabi is named that because he is Guyanese Indian. He does not relate to being black (*rolls eyes*) but relates to being Indian. Whatever.
BFF is keeping the baby because Punjabi knocked her up before. She had an abortion. She vowed never to do it again. She also vowed to wear condoms...and that he wouldn't knock her up again...
Christmas was great! I was convinced I wasn't getting anything but mom showed up on Christmas morning with a new laptop. It is GORGEOUS and nothing is allowed in its presence that is all over my old laptop (i.e. makeup, food, etc.)

Speaking of food...MTV has a new docu-series called, I Used to be Fat.
I was watching it and it is really good. Basically, these kids have graduated high school and they have the summer between high school and college to lose the weight that they feel have held them back. It was super emotional. This girl lost 90 pounds in 111 days. I want that to be me. I am 253 lbs at 5"2. I am a size 18. I've never been small. I've never NOT worn a dress size that wasn't in the double digits. In junior high, my breasts were 34A. For me, its not really the weight as much as it is the body image and wanting to be healthy as kidney disease has torn/is tearing my family to pieces. All year, I've wanted another tattoo but couldn't think of a cute place to put it. I want a tiny little tatt but tiny doesn't really match my body type.

Starting Jan 2, I want to change. A lot of women my size blame food. My problem is not that I over-eat. I eat once a day. That meal is usually not that substantial and not all that healthy either. My metabolism is hella dormant. I need someone to be accountable to...I need someone to make me eat 3 times a day plus snacks. It is so hard to eat that much....maybe because when I was a kid...I had the hugest crush on my brother's best friend. He used to tease me constantly by calling me the Cheeseburglar...thanks McDonald's for your classy rendition of the Hamburglar! (Old school McDonalds...lol) Anyway, he'd be like...how many cheeseburgers did you eat today? *insert the ugliest things you can say about someone's weight/eating habits here*

Yikes! Just typing that made me remember his voice saying those things.

My doctor told me that the first step in kicking a lot of my weight is the soda. I am addicted to Pepsi. During the recent blizzard in NYC, I was without Pepsi for 2 days...I was thinking about it constantly. It was like a REAL addiction. I think I'm pretty active but today, I spent the day runing errands with my little cousin (he's 11) and by the time I got home, I was DONE.

I definitely need to get my head together and get the weight off. I know I will go hard in January because my 25th birthday is in February...the 4th to be exact. Right now, the way I feel about my body...it will be hard to get me in that much-desired freak 'em dress..


*le sigh*

motherless child

I called my mom today to tell her what's been going on with me and how I'm feeling. We spent 2:27 on the phone before she rushed me off. The first half of the conversation was about something else. She asked me, "How are you?" and I told her. I don't think she was expecting that and so when I told her, she asked me some questions and then was like..."Ok, ok, keep me posted, ok bye."

What the fuck was so important that I couldn't get FIVE MINUTES of your time?

I started crying. I just felt so alone.
(If you don't know)
My biological mom died when I was 3. My dad re-married 3 months later. My dad died when i was 13. Yes, I notice all the 3's, trust me...23 was a scary year...lol. Basically, that's the only mother I know but our relationship has been strained ever since I hit puberty and decided that hey...maybe I could be my own person.

So...I text BFF
Me:Just told mom abt the aches and our conversation lasted 2:27. Like damn..she rushed me off the phone.
BFF: Damn, what's up with that?
Me: Idk...smh..*shrug* I'm a fuckin orphan. Plain and simple.
BFF: Don't say that shit.
Me: Its true. Its ok. I've felt this way since I hit puberty. Just first time you heard me say it. No worries
BFF: No its not. Do you really believe that?
Me: Why do you think I work so hard all the time? why do you think I never ask her for anything, ever? She didn't even know I was sick this weekend.
BFF: I mean I know y'all have a disconnect and sometimes she be tripping but do you really believe you mean nothing to her?
Me: Idk. Forget I mentioned it.
BFF: Sigh. Not something I can really forget.
Me: You just accept that some relationships are built on obligation more than love. Sometimes love is expressed diff by diff people people. Some people measure love by how reliable u are when they're in trouble. Some people only measure love by the things you give them.
BFF: Hmmm. I don't know what to say.
Me: Nothing to say. Time will tell I guess.
BFF: I guess.
Me: Some things are too broken to fix. Like, seriously, BFF when i was sick that last big time, she couldn't even walk up 1 flight of stairs to check on me. Who nursed me back to the land of the living? YOU. When you weren't here, I was ALONE. (**I was sick in 2007...in the bed for about 10/12 days with the flu. It was bad**)
BFF: I'm sorry, Ni. I just feel helpless. I really don't know what to say in her defense. Usually I'm in her ass when I feel she doesn't do right by you but I'm just kinda disgusted by what you're saying.
Me: No worries. I'm fine :) I just needed to vent. I keep certain things locked away bc I don't want people to look at her funny.
BFF: Its not you that's disgusting me, its that I'm harsh. You usually defend her but now you smashing her and kinda taken away any defense she could possibly have.
Me: It doesn't matter anymore. I'm tired. I don't want to talk about it anymore
BFF: Its not about her. Its about you. I'm gonna be mean or nasty to her. And what she does doesn't affect me. It affects you and you are my business. We'll talk whenever you want to homie. Get some rest and drink some water.

Posts from when I was sick in 2007.
The Beginning
A Week Later
The End

so....

I've been MIA for 5 days, so I guess that September blog challenge is kaput.

*Disclaimer: Any comments left on this blog...as long as they are sincere and not bogus like (You are a crazy whore)) or some ish, I will not get offended. Mmmkay?*

On Thursday of last week, I met up with Carter. We had IHOP and we talked some things out. As soon as he heard that me and The Nigerian are no more, he opened up about how he felt that if we slept together, I would try to make him my boyfriend. I told him that wouldn't be. He was new in town and he has to get himself straightened out and I have to get myself straightened out. He then mentioned that he was game for whatever. Suddenly, I was not. The same things that bug me about Carter still do. To go into a physical relationship would be unwise...but I didn't tell him that...*shrug*

Friday, I woke up, my throat hurt, my head was pounding, my body ached. Fuck...I got a cold. The weather changed so drastically and although I had on adequate clothing, I still got sick. It was Fashion's Night Out and I really wanted to go. Editor said she wanted to get ready at my house..I told her yes but on her way, could she bring me some oj, Progresso soup with rice and some crackers. It should come up to a little over $5. It would really help me out because I hadn't eaten all day. She shows up to my house with a small carton (the breakfast size) of orange juice, and 2 cans of soup, both different brands.

Who brings someone who is sick a tiny carton of OJ?! I was done with it in 5 seconds.

Also, I asked for the crackers because typically, when you're sick, you eat crackers so that any food you eat doesn't really bother your stomach. I heated up the soup any way...thinking I would be fine. 2 spoonfuls later, I was dizzy, nauseous and cold. I wasn't going anywhere.

I felt so pissed off .... firstly, I should've known better not to eat the soup but I was hungry. Secondly, I felt like she half-assed it. Being alone and sick in my apartment alone gave me a lot of time to think about things. Editor half-asses a lot of things she does. She's asked me for favors and I've never half-assed them before. Never.

The problem is not Editor and her lazy ass. Its me.
I decided to create a mantra for scenarios like that...I am not Capt Save-A-Hoe. It is not my responsibility to fix people's lives or come in cape blowing in the wind, guns blazing every single time.

Why? Because its rare that people do that for you. Later on, I called BFF and she hooked me up with some crackers, a CARTON of OJ, made a bed for me on the couch, the only place it was really warm, and made me drink some fluids and take some medicine. She also closed and locked my windows so the cold air won't sneak in.

Not saying I wanted Editor to do that...just some effin crackers.

Hmph!!

A couple of days ago...The Nigerian called me. This was actually after my date with Carter. (men always seem to smell when you've possibly moved on) I didn't pick up. I text him.

Me: What do you want?
TN: Nothing
Me: Great! That's exactly what I want from you...nothing. Leave me alone. I wouln't treat anyone the way you have treated me.

silence

Today

TN: Happy Sunday
Me: Fuck off
TN: Fuck off

ummm....ok. He calls me later on today. Dude is delusional!

BFF crashed Punjabi's(her boyfriend whom she's aware has a live-in girlfrend of 11 years) birthday party. She saw them dance together. hold hands and all sorts of bf/gf stuff. His friend came to her and told her that Punjabi was never going to leave the live-in and she should walk away.

She is devastated. She was on the phone with me for an hr and a half going over every detail of what the friend said, what Punjabi did...finally, I was like...

Listen, when Brit was here, everyday for a month, she would wake up, cry and then go on and on for at least an hour with me about why her bf was such an asshole. One day, I told her what I'm about to tell you...

I'm done trying to decipher what people are thinking. I'm not a psychiatrist or a psychologist. Truth is...I don't know. The other truth is...the only theory you're going to come up with is something that makes you feel better. The only way we know what a person is thinking is by what they show us and he's shown you many times over...So, if you want to cry...cry...I'll be here for you. I'd rather you make a plan on how you're going to delete him from your life.

I meant every word.
Right after that, I told her about the texts from TN and she was like..."What is he thinking?"
I laughed.
I said, Girl, I don't know...but what I do know is...he's an asshole.

Guilty Until Proven Innocent

Read this post first!

Right, so.....

BFF is in Connecticut for the weekend. I told her over gchat about Olu.
Oh yea, it starts off because I told him I was celibate in our first conversation on the phone. He said wow for like 5 mins straight. lol

BFF: cuz its like i just met you, we on the train, why you need to know all that right now but i understand

me: bc it either makes them stay to see if they can get some or run away knowing they cant he says he can't believe i'm single

BFF: really, well, weeds out the losers

me: all the way single yea, to hear you tell it, i love losers


BFF: ol hey thats true, most people are tied up in stuff they dont want or dont need but stay in it to say they got somebody ... like me! nah you dont you used to attract some, but theyre gone now

me: lol they may be making a comeback idk...lol he's 6"5 3/4

BFF: here we go, hes big and brawny and nina's swooning
dont ask me about these things because now im going to come over extremely overprotective

me: hunh?

BFF: 1. he got kids and a baby mama 2. he knows hes sexy, you dont need to tell him, but youve already verified that in his mind

me: how so?

BFF: by raping him with your eyes! i know you! you saw and you said "me likey!!!" rawrrr lol

me: lol

BFF: i dont know homie, it just seems like if you didnt like your baby mama enough to stay with her and want to be with her, then why you have kids with her? and not just one, two? like i said, i feel overprotective and judgmental. perhaps cuz ive already plotted out in my mind what my life wouldve looked like in a semi-similar situation

me: umm 2 baby mamas *Cringe*
he was with the one girl
she admitted she was cheating on him he left her and slept with someone else they both got pregnant. he didn't know abt the first kid until much later they took a paternity test

BFF: i dont know
people are crazy
im part of this group so i can talk about them 1. why have unprotected sex with someone you dont know that well and let them cum in you and knock you up? they could have had any number of diseases, thank God they didnt, but they still knocked you up
you aint married, you aint prepared if you were, this would be planned and he wouldnt be available for you to talk to

me: wow, this judgment now

BFF: yeah it is and its hard

me: now, BFF...after everything you've been thru
this is where it comes because you've been thru it and you know better

BFF: because everybodys situation isnt the same but i feel at the core it kinda is
yeah i do know

me: judge not lest ye be judged

BFF: but i just dont know why people put themselves through this

me: why did you?

BFF: yeah i know, im working on it
outta f-ing stupidity

me: there ya go

BFF: didnt make no dang sense

me: hopefully, they all learned right along with you

BFF: i certainly hope so
forgive me
im just bitter

me: yea, i'm not saying life is perfect but dang...you can't throw your bitterness into other people's situations
it's new
his breath may stink all the time and i may not like him but you cant discount ppl

BFF: im sorry thats why i was saying i shouldnt even give my opinion. it wouldnt come out right yeah i know

me: yea, but ur my bff and i know its rough but i can't not ask your opinion or tell you something and not get feedback

FF: yeah i know, i'll try to be nicer

me: you've told me stuff that i want to go in on but i check myself

BFF:well i hope that something helpful comes out of our convos :)

me: whose?

BFF: ours

me: of course i have my guard up and i try to be smart

BFF: yeah i know you do. luv ya girly

me: I know you do. I love you too. That's why I call you out on your mess.

BFF: don't I know it! lol