Saturday, October 29, 2011
my bills are out of control. i don't really know what i'm spending money on...i'm a mess.
this week, i'm a bit more structured. all of my money is in envelopes marked what it is for. no dipping in other envelopes and i see clearly where my money is...
i got the bright idea thursday night that for my birthday...feb 4th....i want to spend 2 nights in my fave hotel. my bday is on a saturday. friday, i would check in to wake up on BDAY to some champagne, roses and room service; spend the day at the hotel spa and have a fabulous dinner that night. i would check out on sunday.
my fave hotel is the gansevoort.
so, i did some research.
umm...they want $319 per night. O.o
so, i did some more research.
of course, i live in nyc. a nice hotel in a posh neighborhood where the room is bigger than a utility closet will AT MINIMUM cost me $174 per night. hotel spas are a rip off...i'm talking $400 for a damn 60-minute massage. for $400, i want tyson beckford to be my masseuse licking chocolate off my back. OK!
i did sign up for spa week and i'm looking at some deals.
i'm also on hotels.com...
thank goodness time is on my side!
every year, my birthday has sucked! the best year was probably 2010..my launch party. when i told twin today my bday plans..he was like..ok...so, who is going to be with you? i said..no one. i want to wake up alone on my birthday, reflect on my year, relax at the spa by myself...the dinner will be planned in advance and whoever shows up, shows up. no reservations. no tracking people down. i'm done. if i end up eating alone, i'm good with that too. if i want my birthday to be great, its up to me! he was like...you going back to the hotel alone? i would rather not...but honestly, i have had no appetite for having sex with anyone. don't get me wrong..i love sex. having sex is fun. but there is no one i would want to have sex with right now. hopefully, i'll have a birthday boo but for now...i am good.
crazy coworker 1 aka shy got fired on thursday. so, i will be picking up extra hours...i will work every friday (if i can) until they replace her which will be at least a good month or two AND the holidays are here so that means overtime as well! according to my calculations, if i can save $60 every week, i will be able to afford a decent hotel with the roses/champagne/spa day and dinner. if i work it enough, maybe an outfit or some new shoes. if i do at least 6 extra hours a week, i can save up some extra $$ for some extra perks. my budget is TIGHT so i need to make some magic happen.
also, i have to think about what i'm getting some folks for christmas. literally 5 people are getting gifts: my mom, twin, my godbaby, my dance leader and whoever impresses me from now until then. each gift will be under $50 and unique. my godbaby will probably get some diapers and formula or a savings bond or something.
i hate my job but a girl's gotta make it do what it do.
also...this weekend, i'm re-doing my resume. there's an internet cafe across from my job. everyday, i plan on spending $2/10 minutes sending out resumes on my lunch break. (it is not an effing game!)
if you guys have the hook-up for some nice hotels in nyc, let a sista know! please and thank you.
Monday, October 24, 2011
louis has officially left the building.
friday, i gave him away to a nice lady from south carolina who lives in the bronx.
she was nice until she kept me waiting an hour and did a whole diva routine before she took him.
i hate late people.
sooooo...thursday night, i give louis a bath and i notice he had fleas! i researched because at first, i was like..wtf is this?! google search later, soap and water should have killed them right?
as i was waiting for the lady, i noticed he still had some fleas.
i called my friend that watched him for me while i went to houston. pre-houston, louis had no fleas. after houston...fleas. it was like making a call to let someone know they gave you an std. lol....
at work, i am itching like a maniac. i itch everyday at work because its dirty. we have dust mites in the stockroom. this itching turned into bug bites all over my ankles.
sunday, i have bites on my arms and stomach.
that didn't come from dustmites!
i looked up the bites and realize they are flea bites!!
and i have to go through a whole fumigation process. how embarrassing is this!
i guess the fleas were like..the dog is gone, we need blood bitch!
i'm super-itchy and i am now in the process of washing my linens and things - apparently, the dog liked my bed...and i have to get my carpet steamed...and so much drama! i never had to deal with this before...*sigh*
its weird not being on dog-time. wake up knowing i have to take him out by 8am or he's going to pee on something or making sure i'm home by 9pm because i know he's going to pee on something and then coming home and realizing he has already peed on something.
besides that, he taught me that i really miss my rocky. i still call louis rocky in my head. i miss the companionship. i'm sure next year, i'll get a dog but for now...i can't handle it.
other than that...
aussie is out of the picture.
i'm about to delete him off of fb. every status he posts is about how much money he has. one particular one that pissed me off was, "you can call me anything but broke." - dude, you didn't even have money to buy chinese and bring it over my house. don't try and play like you're something you're not.
and that's how (some) men are...they flaunt what they don't have and then get mad when women go after that. how would i feel if every pic of me on every social media site shows off my body and i get approached by men who want what they see and i get mad? you can't advertise what you're not willing to give.
speaking of exes...how DARE the nigerian friend request me on fb? he's like...kenny from south park. each episode they kill him but he reappears in the next episode. i blocked his ass.
AND...Mr. DK had the nerve to text me on saturday on some..."Hey, how are you?" - like he wasn't missing for over a month. I was like..."Oh, I didn't think I'd see this name in my text box. Where have you been?"
school...work..blah blah blah..the usual. Then he says he wants to see me this weekend. Sorry boo, I'm busy.
funny enough..he hasn't messaged me back.
Oh...you thought you were gonna just come back and i'm gonna jump at the chance to see you. I don't need a free meal THAT bad.
other than that...i'm under a lot of pressure at work, at church...being a leader is WORK WORK WORK. the pressure at work is about to be null and void soon. i'm looking for another job and expect to find one within a month or so. once that happens, i also expect this job to offer me more money. at that time, i can decide whether or not i want to stay or go. the best part about my job is the 45 minute door to door commute. everything else...can go.
i also don't want to do makeup anymore. *gasp*
i've been feeling this way for a while. makeup is a passion that i'm glad to have explored but i think it is only part of my destiny not the whole picture.
there are so many things i need to do, i just don't have the energy or the drive. like, this flea business makes me want to bleach down my entire house but i just can't...after work, i'm tired. before work, i'm tired. i'm off fridays where i try and catch up on sleep. feel tired the whole day, run errands. go to work and dance on saturday. go to church on sunday and try and recharge my batteries for the week.i feel like i'm constantly on E. if i call out, i don't get paid and i am barely making it on a full check..much more trying to make it missing days and trying to make up hours is just not in the equation. i'm already tired!! what am i to do?
i'm so frustrated because I DO SO MUCH and i GET PAID SO LITTLE. I need some damn money! like essential life shit goes to the wayside sometimes because the money just isn't there. ahhhhh!
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Friday, I'd had enough.
I mopped the floors with bleach and put him in the carrier to sleep. He was fine. Saturday, I walked him when I woke up. Let him play. Before I left, he peed on the floor. I mopped again, put him in his carrier and went to work.
When I got home, Louis met me at the front door after breaking out of his carrier and leaving 4 puddles and some poo on my floor. I WAS LIVID!
I put him back in the carrier where he whined all night. I made the decision then...this is not for me. I still miss Rocky. I call Louis, Rocky's name all the time and compare him to Rocky. I'm just not ready nor do I have the patience for a dog right now.
Once Louis is trained for real, he would be a great pet. He's loving and friendly but not for me right now.If anyone wants a dog and you live in NYC, let me know.
Saturday was spent lounging around a bit then going to the aquarium. Downtown Houston was very clean and it was not crowded --- like, not even a little bit.
The Aquarium was fun, if not a random mix of sea-like creatures. Along with lobsters, crabs, fish and alligators, there was a white Siberian tiger and snakes there. I told Trish to warn me when she saw one because I am DEATHLY AFRAID of snakes...like if I saw one next to me, I might freak myself into a heart attack and die. I'm guessing there was a very big one because she said.."OH EM GEE" and told me not to even look in the direction of a very big showcase.
After, we had cupcakes and Sonic (not in that order). Apparently, NYC has no good fast-food restaurants but we are teased by the ads of some of the better ones....we have no Sonic, Jack in the Box, Arbys, etc etc....Anywhosies...we got Sonic and it wasn't earth-shattering but the strawberry limeade was yum yum.
We went home for a bit and then got ready to go to PBR Houston because I was determined to ride the bull. PBR Houston is about 4 clubs in one. The "honky tonk" club we went to was everything I thought it would be with its wood detail, cowboy boots, girls in red booty shorts and chaps with cowby hats and alas! the bull! It took me 5 minutes to get on the damn thing which was embarassing enough. Even more so, I fell off in 3 seconds. I am convinced my legs are too short for that damn thing because I didn't feel secure on it at all! Trish disagrees but I stand by my assessment. I'm too short.
We did the cha-cha slide there where no one was going the right direction and left in favor of one of the other clubs. The club was meh...it was definitely diverse. There were people of all races and ages there and I felt comfortable as opposed to NYC clubs where everyone looks like they stepped out the pages of a magazine. It was fun though.
Sunday, We (I) woke up a little late and was greeted by Kolaches (thanks Trish!) which were sweet rolls stuffed with ham, egg and cheese. YUM! We (Trish) did a little shopping, did a little bowling (I SUCK MONKEY BALLS), had Coldstone and saw the most beautiful sunset.
Monday was a mad dash to the airport followed by work. Who goes to work straight from the airport? Me and I will never do that ish again! All in all, Houston was great!! Its at the top of my list of places to go in Operation: Get the F Out of NYC.
(written last weekend, lol)
This weekend was the BIG weekend in H-town. It was seriously by the grace of God that I made it. Everything was going so wrong...man!
I woke up Wednesday morning and my phone was turned off for non-payment...simply because I forgot to pay the bill. I was trying to be on top of everything so my money would be right but BOOM! I cashed in on some funds Twin owed me and it was able to hold me down til that good old direct deposit hit Friday morning. But...sidenote: Whyy is food so damn expensive in the airport?
Anyway, my friend who gave me Louis was going to keep him for me...it was just a matter of getting Louis to her. It would've been an 75min trip for me when I needed to still pack and get it together Wednesday night AND be up by 5:30 am for work. So, I asked Nell (the girl living with my mom) to take Louis to my friend XP's house at 12 on Thursday. I take him to her before work and she tells me she's going to try and take Louis to XP's house at 6am! WHO THE HELL switches plans last minute like that? She had the nerve to get mad that no one was answering their phone. That girl crayyy.
I took the train to JFK which only took about an hour and left me plenty of time to relax before boarding.
I texted the appropriate people before boarding ...y'know..the "in case I die a fiery death...here's the flight number so you know it was me" text. One of those people happened to be Aussie.
Me: Hey, I'm at the airport.
A: Oh yea...you have your trip
Well, pardon me for expecting a "Have a safe flight" or something like that.
I can truly say...that was the moment I wrote him off in my head. Call me mean or whatever...that's the least he could've said.
Flight was great. I was worried about the 2 girls which were talking the WHOLE time but the XM radio handled that. Got my extremely heavy bag and hopped into Trish's vehicle.
You know how you meet people that you k ow from the internet and they are nothing like their online persona. They seem cool online but really they're a douche and not funny and you wonder WHO THE HELL were you corresponding with the whole time...
Well, Trish is not like that. She is cute, funny, smart, genuine, kind and cool as hell. Add super in front of all those adjectives please.
Anyways, Day One...I had BIG plans which were scrapped in lieu of sleep and Dougie'ing with Baby (Trish's dog) whose real name is not actually Baby...(who knew? LOL)
We later ate at ChaCho's which gave me a burrito the size of my head that I ate all of and was so damn good!!!
(to be continued)
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
"the unmet needs of a child become the agenda of the adult."
i've been trying to figure out my unment needs...because i feel like i had what i needed but then this whole aussie thing has shown me that is definitely not the case.
then it hit me. the issue with dk. the issue with aussie. the issue in most of my recent relationships have been me not feeling like the SIGNIFICANT other. lack of communication. lack of affection...it made me feel unimportant.
like the non motha-fn factor.
when my dad got sick, the whole family came to him and made him priorty#1 from ages 9-13, it was all about my dad - hospital visits, doctor's visits, dialysis...the works...and then when he died...everyone just kind of did their own thing. i acted out...in a big way. i wrote suicide notes, i stole like $300 from my dad and spent it on food at the mall and dumb shit, i lost my virginity, i had older boys calling the house when NO Boys were allowed to call me and my parents really didn't do much. they yelled. they grounded me...but they never sat me down and talked to me.
after a while, i told myself it didn't matter and i built a wall where my mom still can't get through. i mean, who finds a suicide note than an 11 year old wrote and makes it about them? ("how dare you put this stress on me?")
but evidently, that little girl who needed love and attention is just an angry 25 year old woman seeking the same thing. so now that i know this, what am i supposed to do? its still a void. its still a need. am i supposed to suppress it or control it? i don't really know.
Monday, October 3, 2011
this trip has been the light at the end of the tunnel for me because there are so many things making me sad here. i'm going to try and balance the happy with the sad.
louie (i changed the spelling of his name) is so sweet and he listens to commands. he peed on my floor and i told him to go! and he went...lol.
aussie and i were supposed to hang out last night. i told myself ...i would not confirm the date nor would i cook because i want to see his intentions. i am usually the one confirming our meet-ups just because i am super type a all the time and i always have a hot meal waiting for him. i was kind of OVER aussie anyway because we were also supposed to hang out on friday at his house which he conveniently misunderstood as us meeting at my house. i've known this dude for 3 years and i still haven't been invited to his house. something is fishy. so..anyways,i did compromise and agree to meet at my house on sunday because i wanted to see him before i left for houston and i really just needed a hug and a kiss. you know..some affection. but not really sex cuz that ish is PAINFUL right now.
anyways....sunday, i get a text from him asking, "what's for dinner?"
aussie: oh ok then
me: you're welcome to bring something
aussie: i don't have anything (umm, what does that mean?)
me: so, you going home first?
aussie: i don't have food at home. (IS IT MY RESPONSIBILITY TO FEED YOU?)
me: so, what do you want to do?
me: ok, let me know.
did he indeed let me know? NO. I actually called him today and he didn't pick up.
so, i went through the motions: angry then sad. hoping indifference would be next.
its not about being stood up...its about me not providing a need for him and him going ghost. ugh! i don't even want to talk about it anymore. i knew better. i deserve better and i'm just not going to go backwards anymore.
sn: how you gonna be on facebook talking about.."call you anything but broke" and all this other shit and you don't even have money for food. you can't even bring over some chinese to my house. i bet if i said all this shit about how i can do splits and cartwheels in the bedroom and then when it came down to it, said i was celibate, i'd get into some serious trouble. OVER IT.
i went IN on my makeup today. i looked really nice.
is killing me.
as wynsters says all the time, "i need a grown up job with a grown up salary."
i got picked on hella hard today and was threateneed to be sent home if i don't keep my white lab coat clean.
firstly, WHO THE FUCK gives someone who works with makeup all day a white lab coat? THEN, i'm expected to clean dust, get stock from a dirty stock room and do all this foolishness in a white lab coat.
PLEASE SEND ME FUCKING HOME. Jerk.
oh yea...AND my nails are hunter green when they're supposed to be clear, pink or red. I really want to be like "Fuck OFf!"
i'm so tired. i'm so tired. i'm so tired.
i gotta make some major changes.
we danced yesterday in church and people are giving us rave reviews.
bff is lost in the baby sauce.
chick doesn't respond to texts/phone calls until days later. i called her on friday and am still waiting for a response (monday night)...smh.
i want to ask her to take me to the airport on thursday but honestly, walking to the airport seems like an easier option. like, by the time, i'd get a yes or a no...i'll already be in houston or be looking for a ride back home from the airport.
i'm kind of over that situation too.
we're just 2 different people. i always reach out to the people around me. i couldn't really be in a bubble like that...not unless i purposefully did so and that would mean serious depression.its just annoying.
i'm pretty sure i have first world problems and it could be worse. i'm blessed.