Monday, September 23, 2013

feet on the ground

i'm vegan.
not sure if i mentioned this before but my eczema has gotten out of control. rather than go on steroids which caused a lot of the problem, i've turned my diet upside down.

no meat, dairy, corn and corn products, and gluten/wheat-free when i can.

the first 2 weeks, i felt like my feet were stuck in quicksand. now, i feel really good. i don't think i want to go back to a regular diet again. in addition to being vegan, i've been slathering blackseed oil and shea butter on my skin like nobody's business. i've lost some weight. my skin which was heavily discolored is now starting to lighten up.

there is a light spot on my face. i'm trying not freak out about it. it could be vitiligo. vitiligo is connected to people that have eczema...i really don't want to add another thing to the battle but...i'm putting blackseed oil on that too...ugh!

lady k sent me an email asking me about the frenchman.
in april, i asked was it real or game? GAME.
a little after our 2nd date, we were supposed to meet up for lunch while we were both at work.

firstly...we live in nyc. who asks someone to help them move from philly to nj out of the blue.
secondly, why didnt he call or text me to tell me that. i was calling HIM about 30 minutes before we were to meet up.

he says, i'll make it up to you. i'm going to be tired but i'll be taking the train into penn station (down the block from my job) about the same time you're leaving from work. maybe i'll be 30mins or an hour late if you want to wait for me.

sounds reasonable.

i wait 30 minutes before i'm to leave because i'm NOT waiting for someone who's communication track record is not so hot. no answer.

i called this dude like 3 or 4 times.

that was saturday. he calls me monday.
he has the nerve to ask me "why haven't i heard from you?"

are you fucking serious dude???
he claims he came in from nj at 2am. sunday is his day of rest and he doesn't speak to anyone on sundays and here we are monday. but i could've called him on sunday.

it took everything in me not to curse his ass out.
i calmly explained that when you stand someone up..they're not that eager to try and reach out to you. you did wrong. you apologize. he then sees it my way.

he wants to make a plan to see me again. i'm non-committal.
i call him and text him just to see if i'm holding a grudge. this time. he goes RADIO SILENT.
no calls, no texts.

yo....3 WEEKS GO BY.
he hits me up like we've been chopping it up every fuckin day.
him:"why haven't i heard from you?"
me: i could ask you the same thing
him: i was on business in alabama and in other middle-america states.

i laugh. hard.

him: i noticed you stopped calling me and texting me so i was seeing what was up. i'm back home. i want to see you.

i don't say a word. i just hang up on him.

and that is that.
soooo many things i wanted to say/could've said...i just let it go. it was SO not worth it.
this is why he's 34, has a great job, great apartment, no kids, knows a lot about various topics but is SINGLE. he's crazypants.

ain't nobody got time for that.

Wednesday, September 4, 2013


i havent felt like myself for a long time.

i feel like my old job has beat something out of me - the hustle, i suppose.

i feel like i'm floating and the world is the sea around me just letting me be weightless but at a cost.

my bills are backed up. my apartment is a mess...and i feel like i don't know what to do, although i do have a lot on my to do list. when i try to do it, i feel like it is the act of picking up 1 brick to make a wall.

the stress and weight of being directionless keeps me up at night.

is this depression?

Never a Mistake. Always a Lesson

Lessons learned tonight:
1.Stop being so damn lonely.
2. Stop being so damn naive.
I'm currently on the local train from Harlem to Brooklyn which sucks so much. I don't know what time I will get home or if I will get home (so dramatic!)
I only have myself to blame.
G and I went on a date in June. At the end of the date, he didn't want the night to end. I, who'd just danced for 2 hours in 4 inch heels, was enthusiastic but weary. We walked around as he searched his heart and mind for what it wanted  to do.
As we waited for my train, he decided he wanted IHoP and some bed hopping and I just wasn't down. Man, he begged. It wasn't cute until he realized I just wouldn't budge.
Sporadic attempts at a 2nd date were made. If you call his asking me to spend days at his house attempts at a 2nd date. :/
Yes...he's asked me on 3 separate occasions to spend several days at his house with him.
Today, his approach was different. Lets make it a Blockbuster night. I laughed. Ok.
I showered and put on a cute quirky outfit and headed to Harlem.
He directed me to his apartment via phone.
Him: Tell me you missed me
Me: No. I didn't. Did you miss me?
Him: Yeah....why you think I've been blowin up your phone?
Me: Why aren't you a gentleman meeting me downstairs?
Him: You didn't ask me to.
Me: I have to ask you to be a gentleman?
He met me at the door with a hug that groped my butt and a kiss that he wanted to last longer but I pulled away.
He was dresses terribly. An old T-shirt that maybe had holes in it and a loose old pair of sweats that did not flatter him at all.
I'd told him earlier that I'm on a vegan diet. He offers me a burger. I decline. He says we could go to the corner store and get me something.
I just ask for water. He tries to push alcohol on me.
I'm annoyed.
I've plated hostess plenty of times. Ive made sure to have something for my guests.
His place was a mess. He looked a mess. You see where I'm going.
What are we watching?
Pick something on Netflix
Ugh. I have Netflix at home. Finding something on there sometimes is a challenge.
As I'm picking,I have to stand in the middle of his room and scroll. He comes up behind me and tries to make me bend over.
When I wouldn't...he rubs himself against me.
Yesterday, I told him I had my period. I have no idea wtf he was thinking.
We sit down and watch a movie. An old coworker calls me all upset. I answer and he starts trying to take my shorts off.
*side eye*
I get off the phone.
What are you doing?
Nothing. Lets just watch the movie.
We watch. He puts his arm around me.
Its nice until he starts rubbing my breast. I move.
He licks and bites my neck. I wipe his saliva off of me. I get up, put my shoes on. I kiss him on the cheek and leave.
I'm proud of myself. Period or not. I didn't want to sleep with him. I wanted to be held close with popcorn in our laps watching a movie.
I don't expect Don Juan....but I certainly didn't expect Homeless Ed.

If I wasnt feeling so damn lonely, I would've seen the writing on the wall about what he was about instead of being so damn naive. I feel like I'm not going to find someone...maybe I'm too something and no one will ever love me. Yes, they can use my body for the night but really get to know me and love me...idk.

When I got home, he said I didn't have to leave.

I've been sexually assaulted before being in the same situation. This person I trusted more. I said no twice..the third time, it was while he was ripping off my underwear. I'll never be in that same position again. I'll take the local A train from Harlem to Brooklyn.