Sunday, March 31, 2013

weirdest date ever

(this is going to be a long one...get your coffee and muffin and sit

I was on my way home from work, standing at the bus stop freezing my booty off when I see this man walk by. He had a huge smile on his face and was staring at me. He walked by and I shook my head and laughed. A few seconds later, he came back and called me to the side to talk to me.

I never talk to anyone in the street.

I was hesitant but he was persistent and we exchanged numbers.

The first thing I noticed...the French accent. I asked if he was African and he said..."Close, I'm from Guadeloupe."

Side note: Every time I think of Guadeloupe, I think of canteloupe...because they're spelled so similarly.

Anyway, it is a Caribbean island owned by France..he seemed really nice but I hadn't heard from him and I got stood up by Aussie (again) so I decided to call him...I think his name will be The Frenchman. Which kind of makes me chuckle because it makes me think of the guy from The Matrix.
But he's black and isn't such an asshole....but still.

Anyway, The Frenchman called me and it turned out we were doing anything that day, so we decided to hang out that evening at 6:30.

At around 4, I text him to see what the plan was. He said 8:30, to meet him at my old high school - the neutral point between our two houses.  Cool.

As I'm about to leave, I text him the obligatory, "I'm leaving"...he told me he was running about 20 minutes late.

I get a little what point was he going to tell me this? When I was standing by the school in the cold? Ok, so I'm there at 8:50...he said he was on his way...(more annoyance from me)...

I see this guy walking towards me that looked very similar to him except he looked CRAZYPANTS!
I whip out my phone and call him. Thank God Crazypants didn't answer. He told me we were going to walk to a spot about 6 blocks away. He had to pick up a bag before they closed and they weren't open on Sundays and he had to be at work early on Monday.

Okay..I'm thinking it's a small bag. Where do we walk up to? A LAUNDROMAT. He had to pick up his laundry....All I could do was laugh. He called a cab. And I'm thinking..oh shit, we're going to his house..which of course, makes me uncomfortable...

We call a cab. He opens the door and lets me in (cool points) and he runs to the other side. We take a short ride to his house...which is NICE. He has a 62' TV...smh and a 3-bedroom all for himself. When you walk in, you think it's like a studio but then there's this hallway and 3 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms...O.O.

SO, we're siting in his living room watching some random thing on the TV and I'm like...Ok.....where are we going..(in my head, I'm like...I didn't put on heels to sit in your house)...
He apologized. He was waiting for his friend who was supposed to have called him an hour prior. He plays in a live band and it was going on somewhere but he didn't know where.

So, Plan B was to hit up one of my favorite chill spots in Brooklyn...a wine bar called Therapy.
He had to get cash so we could take a cab, so we walked to an ATM and then I realized that the bar was only a few blocks, I said we could walk...which is big of me (and my heels)

So, we walked and it was nice and cozy. He doesn't drink but I had a grapefruit-infused white was sooo delicious...just the right amount of sweet and we talked and talked.
He's a smart cookie. Besides French, he speaks Russian as he stayed in St. Petersburg for a year. When he moved to America, he picked up fluent English in 8 months. He's lived all over the States and he has a degree in Economics which he got from an American college, but works as a fire safety director for a building in the city.He also has a few side businesses like he just started a cleaning company in the city and he had a restaurant in Brooklyn that someone else bought out and he might want to restart it.

I was like SHIT! Dude has it all together...

So, why did he stop for me in the street? He said, he could tell I had a very calm spirit,. I was just minding my business not trying to make trouble for myself and then when he smiled at me, I smiled back and it was the most beautiful thing he'd seen.

We sat next to each other and I felt super comfortable with him. He revealed that his birthday is just 2 days before mine. I have a fascination with man hands...I looked at his and they were nice. His nails were short and clean. He looked at my palm as I looked at his. He says.."Our palms look the know what that means? It means, I'm going to marry you." I laughed. I had a big costume jewelry ring on my left hand. "Let me take this off so you can get me a better one." He remarked that he liked my hands as well so I didn't feel like such a weirdo. We just talked and talked until the 2nd glass of wine made me sleepy and we walked to his apartment.

As we walked, he grabbed my hand. As he said something, he turned to me...and kissed me.
"You're so sweet. I don't want this to be a one-time thing. I want to be with you for a while. I've been so lonely. I'm a loner. I have friends but I'm not close to many people. My family is in Guadeloupe. I just want a wife."
I came into the whole situation without expectations..just going with the, I said I don't see why the back of my head I'm like...he could just be blowing smoke...

We get to his house...I sit down and take off my shoes which were burning my the soles of my feet. He uses the bathroom. On the TV (he keeps it on when he's out), is the first 48 and they're talking about a woman getting murdered. He starts kissing me on my neck. I'm not freaked out but I'm like..THIS is what we're watching? lol

He hugs me and is like..."Oh, I'm in Heaven. I haven't been with a woman in a long time..I don't think I know what to do..."

He turns off the TV and lays me down on his couch and kisses me and starts touching me..things progress a little...he kisses and sucks on my breasts...we go to the bedroom. He takes off my jeans and underwear and puts on a condom.

He does like 3 pumps...and gets up..


I couldn't help myself. I wanted a little taste but I don't want to go too far.

I'm're already in might as well finish the job.

I say, I want more...He, if we really go in..your head is going to be all fucked up. I don't want that.

Fine. I get dressed. He calls me a cab and gives me money for it. I'm not sure what to think of it. I do know the French are very expressive..they tell you how they feel but one thing's for sure...he's not a normal guy. We'll see where this goes. I don't have stars in my eyes. I'm a little tired of the dating, if this doesn't work out...I'll be hanging up my hat for a while. I do have a few guys I'm talking to all my eggs aren't in one basket.

We'll see...

Thursday, March 28, 2013

the dream of being loved by you.

my mom lost her job yesterday.


all these questions have popped up. she's seeing this as her opportunity to move to charlotte and of course, she wants me to move down there with her.


i was supposed to hang out with aussie today. didn't work. his child's mother was supposed to pick up their daughter but she was a no show.


i hate dealing with men with children. i know, it sucks to say but it adds a whole 'nother level of shit you don't need. what can you do? she's here. she's not going anywhere....

he told me to "stick around this time."

i'm so spoiled when it comes to men or maybe i've just been alone too long. i want things to be my way. i want you when i want you. i want you when i call. i want things my way.
i don't know if i can stick it out with anyone....but i am hungry. starving for something i can't quite put my finger on.

love? attention?


Monday, March 25, 2013

hello old friend

So, I was back perusing pof when i ran across a name I remember seeing a long time ago.
I clicked on his profile.
and there he was.
I messaged him.

what happened to your girlfriend?

long story.

We began to talk like old friends...and began reminiscing about the old times...good times...and i realized i missed him. so, we're going to hang out on thursday and i can't wait to see him

AUSSIE. *slaps forehead*

Get familiar

I hadn't realized until I went searching through the archives for his name that I've known this knucklehead for 5 years. We've been through some ups and downs. I don't know what's going to happen. He said he wants to be friends. I don't think we can but I will try.
Reading those old posts are bringing it all back....

Sunday, March 24, 2013

so, what happened?

i was too eager and i wanted things to be amazing right away
and that doesn't exactly happen.

i realized that i was always the one hitting him up, carrying conversations...if i didn't call/text him, we didn't speak. if i didn't insist we hang out..we didn't hang out.

and the midst of what i now realize was a pms-induced fit of emotional-ness..(idk what to call it)

i text him:

i don't think you're really that into me. when i'm into someone, i want to know everything about them. i'm engaged. i ask questions. i don't get that from you.

and he said....


and that was the end of that.

so FUCK HIM. no, really...fuck him.
my  work wife was like..i have a pattern which i like a guy and then like 2 weeks in, i get a little crazy and i'm like...where is this going and that scares them off.

which is true.

and i will work on that but even still...if someone questions if you're into don't get scared off. you tell them something. and if you don't have anything to say, that answers their question and if there even IS a question, the answer is no.

so buh-bye lee.


Friday, March 22, 2013


i guess i just need to know that my life will be ok.

that i'll get my happily ever after.

but nothing comes with a guarantee in life


there are times in my life i feel so utterly lonely.

in europe, i was alone. i was by myself in countries that didn't speak my language. i had to fend for myself. motivate myself when things didn't go my way. i was responsible for catching trains/buses/planes and for every activity i did.

who knew that at home, i would feel like even more alone...lonely. there are people here that i can talk to freely. everyone (for the most part) speaks english but most times, i feel like i have no one to talk to.

perhaps, that's why i started the blog.

i am tired.

emotionally, mentally, physically.

this city drains everything you have.
and then you try to date because everyone in your life has someone except you.
and it doesn't necessarily work.
and you feel like a failure.

and i wonder.. what is wrong with me?

i am beautiful, smart, funny, ambitious, driven...i have morals, manners...i speak well, i dress well, i like any available opportunity with a partner i trust, i'm all over it.
but i'm fucking alone.
and that fucks with your psyche like...what am i missing?

like, where is my man? why isn't he here?
i'm so tired of feeling so alone all the time.

understanding that alone is different from lonely.

somewhere along this month, i stopped trying to do things. with my book, with my career. everything feels like an uphill battle.

and i just don't know what to do....
i don't know who to reach out to...
i don't know how to make myself feel better...
i feel like being an ostrich and sticking my head in the sand and just giving up.

the only thing i can say to myself is that this will be one of those entries that i will remember later on when i'm happy and shake my head and remember how bad this felt and be glad i felt this bad...because it made me appreciate the happy.

for now, it just sucks.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

decisions decisions

My job isn't hard.

People come to this big department store and they look at makeup.
I walk up to them and ask them if they need help.
If they say yes, I ask questions, they ask questions, I find products to help them.
Sometimes they buy. Sometimes they say they're going to look around and never come back. Sometimes they do. Sometimes they just go about their merry way.
Sometimes, people just hand me a list of products they want to buy. I like these people.
Rinse and repeat.

I've spent the past hour laying in bed in the dark not able to go to sleep just thinking about why I hate my job.

Hint: It has nothing to do with the job.

A few of my coworkers are cookoo for cocoa puffs.

The amount of stress I feel right now is so intense..I wish I had a bottle of alcohol to dull the edges of it in my brain.

I am stressed about work and money.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do but the last time I felt this way, I left.

I just saw a mouse in my bedroom. I suddenly feel dirty. There's never just 1 mouse. They come in packs and now I'm stressed about mice, money and work.

I feel so worn out working days and days on end. The same grind. Numbers and people and coworkers and at the end of the day...the only thing I wanted to do was makeup.

I'm thinking about becoming a freelancer. That would mean not having a steady job I punch in and out of everyday. That would also mean possibly having a part time job to make up for not having a steady job.

This path is uncertain.


Something has to change.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

..and then there was ONE

I would like to say that I know that Lee was special when we were messaging back and forth...but I didn't.
I knew that I liked his conversation and felt at ease with him.
We had some sparks. When I heard his voice, I heard that he was stable and strong.
When we had our date, I was excited.

We met up on a snowy wintry night and I was wearing the wrong shoes and not enough clothes and he was tired.  He works crazy hours like...15 hour shifts and we were both not on our A-game.
But, we sat over hot chocolate and pastries and it felt like talking to an old friend.

He drove me home and we sat awkwardly at the end of the night in front of my house. I'd made up my mind I wasn't going to kiss him. I've had my cold forever and he was going to Panama. I didn't want to give it to him.  I made a comment about hoping to see him when he got back.  He asked why wouldn't I? I said, he could find the woman of his dreams on a beach out there. He gave me a hug and called me silly and then instinct took over and I fell on his lips...


They were like two soft pillows.


I fell asleep and had some crazy dreams all involving him and I woke up the next day knowing we would be together. I don't know how I know. I just do.

Anyway...he's off in Panama and I'm here missing someone I hardly know. Time will tell.
But I feel like I know...Maybe I'm crazy.

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Boys Boys Boys Pt 4

The whole thing with Clinton made me realize that the picture that we made inadvertently was something that I did want and I was only fooling myself by saying that I didn't.

I ran into this guy...let's call him Chris.
Chris seemed like a nice guy so I let him take me on a date. We went to Lasagna in Chelsea. The food was good but it was weird to be there on a straight date because they had Drag Race playing on the TV. I was distracted. We had good conversation, I made him laugh and feel at ease since he seemed to be really nervous. I think it was my beauty (lol). The date was decent.

He wanted the night to go on but 1. we just ate dairy and I didn't know how my stomach was going to fare. It could get super ugly. 2. I realized halfway through that there were no sparks between us.

We hugged goodbye and said we'd do something the next night.
The next day, however, I left my phone home and missed his call and texts. I felt bad.
I told him what'd happened and he took it as rejection. It was pretty much downhill from there. He just needed more confidence.

I do not like sensitive guys.
I don't want to have to console you on stupid shit. So...long story short, I think I could've been into him if he'd had more confidence but his lack of it, turned me from being halfway off to all the way off...he was a nice guy, though.

Late one night, I couldn't sleep and I had to be at work super early, I pulled out the POF app on my phone and logged on. I did my search and started hitting people up, y'know just shaking the tree to see if a coconut falls down.

I started talking to about 5 guys...It was nuts.
One guy was from my neighborhood and acted all rude when I didn't want to give him my address.

EXCUSE ME, sir. I don't even know your last name...why should I be so inclined to tell you where I am right now? Ixnay

Down to 4
This one Haitian dude kept sending me rapid fire messages with one question in them. The first message asked for my phone number so he could text me. Stupid me, I complied. Then the next 6 messages were crazy like...why didn't you answer my last question...DUDE! Ixnay

Down to 3
The next dude seemed really cool. I sent him my phone number because the app really does suck your battery. He gave me his and said he'd be waiting for me to text him.


Be a fucking man! If a girl gives you her number, you text her. I thought it was really gay to say to a woman..and I quote.. "Here's my number. I'll be waiting..."
That's pretty fucking gay...

Whatever, I waited a day. Saw he really wasn't going to text me and I texted him. The conversation wasn't even that...It was me asking him getting to know you questions and him just answering. I was taught that a conversation was just like tennis. You throw the ball back and forth. You answer and ask a question so that the person knows that you're engaged. Am I wrong??

Whatever. Ixnay. ....pussy.

He was a Bronx guy. Being from Brooklyn....people outside of BK, Manhattan and's a no-go...too damn far. If you don't drive, Queens is a frickin hike.
He was a smart ass and he kept me on my toes. Here is where we got a little tricky.
a. He criticized women wearing makeup. He doesn't get it.
Now...I'm a makeup artist. Do you really think that's going to work? I understand the whole...women should be natural thing....but then men want girls that look like Beyonce who (no matter what her publicist says...) always wears makeup, is in heels, has a weave and a personal trainer to look fab all the time. Give me  a fucking break.
b. He was like....I'd like to give you a try. Excuse me? Am I the 1 month free trial from Netflix? He meant sexually...and I played dumb like I didn't know what he meant and he just stopped contacting me.


Boys Boys Boys Pt 3

The next day, I feel really good about the sex but really awful that it was Matt. So, I text him.

Me: How do you feel about last night?
Him: I feel like it was something that was going to was inevitable. I'm glad we got it out of the way.
Me: Yea, I wanted to fuck you for a long time. I don't want anything extra from you, though.
Him: Me too. I wanted to do that for the longest but you know how I feel about relationships.

Which basically means, he avoids them like Dracula avoids the Sun.

We were square.
I went to Europe. It was awesome. I came back horny.

Clinton and I met up one late night. I went to his house and we had sexytime. It was 1 position, short and I was a little disappointed. I mean, the first time we went for hours and hours but this time was just....quick. He apologized. He said he'd already masturbated before he knew I was coming but he did eat me out until I climaxed which was awesome. lol...he's a giver, that guy.

I slept over. We spooned. The next day, he had to get up early for work. I wanted a quickie but he was in a bad mood saying how tired he was and I felt guilty.

So, here's the picture:
me, Clinton and his dog leaving his house. They (him and the dog) waited for me to catch the bus, he kisses me goodbye and I pet the dog.
It felt like we were...together.

And that's where I kind of lost my footing.

That picture was so emblazoned in my mind and I was so geeked. I was going to buy him a bed in a bag because he had mismatched sheets...
I told my coworkers...I had stars in my eyes.

Not even a week later, I was PMS'ing. I felt like my job was shit. I hate everyone. I texted him. He told me about his job interview. He was so excited, he just had to send them some samples. I was my encouraging self. Then I told him I was having a bad day.

And I got..........................................nothing.

For 4 fucking days, he was silent.

So, I text him. You guys know I'm not taking that shit.
Me: So, *crickets* That's all you have to say?
Him: Sorry, with the new job, I don't have access to my phone.
Me: Yeah.....okay.

And that was the end of that. Radio silence for a few weeks. 
I was a little hurt because I thought at the end of the day, we could be FRIENDS. I didn't want him to take me out and introduce me to his friends or anything but a little support.


Sunday, March 10, 2013

Boys Boys Boys Pt 2

So, I'd met Clinton in junior high. I didn't know him well but we reconnected a few years ago because of course...I'm a makeup artist. He's a photographer.

Chad had stood me up on one of those jaunts where "he didn't have his phone" and I'd planned on going to a friend's birthday party. I said, fuck it. One monkey don't spoil no show...I went looking super sexy. There were weird people at the party and Clinton was my boyfriend for the night.

Fast forward to January.
One random night, I invited him over for tacos and Love Jones.

Random Fact: I've never watched the entire movie with a man that I was dating. I feel like once that happens, I will just marry the

Halfway through, I sat on Clinton's lap. We started kissing and it was a wrap.

The first time you sleep with someone usually sucks. It was good but then I'm so tight that the friction from the my tightness and the latex in the condom just didn't jibe and we had to stop.

It was about 2 weeks before I was set to leave.
I have had a crush on The Nigerian's friend for a long time. What was the last you heard The Nigerian pop up? Mmkay? Anyway, he knows I hate TN but we're still friends. Let's call him Matt. He had a pajama party for his housewarming. I'm thinking...oooh super sexy pajamas. I show up in a slinky sexy robe, lace slip, garters on and 4 inch black patent leather pumps. It's his cousins and they're in flannel pajamas.

*record scratch*

There was 1 girl who had the same idea and we huddled together in the corner and had intellectual conversation to prove we aren't sluts. As the night progressed, his male cousins came and it was time for me to GO.

I came back about a week later and we watched a movie, hung out and watched Silver Linings Playbook. There's a scene where Jenifer Lawrence slaps the shit out of Bradley Cooper.
I look at him with a glint of light in my eye. He instinctively scoots away from me. But, there's this tension. Suddenly, he asks me what type of woman am I adventurous am I? I tell him about the bathroom thing with Chad and I had sex in a restaurant before....and the tension builds and builds.

Out of nowhere, I was talking and he just grabs me and starts kissing me like his world is ending. Like...grabs my face and holds me so I can't move and  I feel all his strength and I was so taken aback. I'd never seen that side of him before.

After, the kiss, we just watch the movie like nothing happened.
His hand is on my knee. My hand is on his thigh and then I straddel him. He rocks me back and forth kissing me, holding me in this crazy embrace. He gets a phonecall. His roommate/cousin comes home.

His cousin/roomie goes into his room and keeps his door open. His room faces the living room. We stare at each other...the other not knowing what to do.
I say...are we going to finish what we started?

Matt grabs my hand and takes me into his room where we have glorious sexy time. Again, he's not packing a lot either but he knew what he was doing. He knows how to handle a woman.

Now that I think of it, every time a man asks me to watch a movie, my panties end up coming off...smh

It's late and I don't feel like going home even though it's only a few blocks away. I really should've gone home. His bed was the best thing about the night. It was big and he had fuzzy sheets. He kept music on all night. We didn't cuddle and he had to get up at like 5am.

I didn't get much sleep and it was my day off.
We talked after and we're still friends. After The Nigerian and the whole DK debacle, I vowed no more Africans. I wouldn't mind playing in the sack with him but anything else would be too much.

More boy tales...

Boys Boys Boys

This year, so far, I've slept with 2 people, have dated 4 or 5 and am currently plotting on someone to be my boyfriend.

I'm busy. lol

Where do we begin?
Chad. I met Chad on match dot com.
Whoa. Match was a huge waste of my cotdamn time. Seriously, they charged me the amount for my left titty and the same dudes from POF are on there. Chad was trouble. He was an amateur body builder and he was so complimentary of me...oh, you're so beautiful. hi gorgeous...y'know.

It was....nice. lol...what? I'm vain.
Anyway, first date. We ate at a Peruvian restaurant that we happened to stumble upon. He was all over me. His kisses were nice. His hands were like an octopus, man. I really had to take a step back and be like...woosaahhhhh.

We held hands and walked around the city. He walked me home and we kissed in front of my apartment. This ninja tried to come up. (of course, he tried) and I said no, although my panties were wet. lol.

Well, we went from texting all day everyday to me not hearing from him for almost a week.

He came back, saying.....he had to take his phone to get fixed. He didn't have it.

Mmmkay. *skeptical look*

But he really wanted to see my beautiful face and so I let him take me to the movies.

In the middle of Flight, he started rubbing on me and things got hot and heavy and he started fingering me in the theatre.

Yes, because we are 14 years old.

I'm hanging my head in shame.
After the movie ends, we're hanging around the theatre kissing like teenagers. He pulls me into the bathroom and we proceed to have sex.


Ok, so my count was off in the beginning of the post. That makes 3 people I slept with this year....but I don't really think this should count...WHY???
His penis was the size of my index finger in length and girth. I was sooo sad. He had the sexiest abs, arms and chest. I could really have kissed each part of him except the fun stick because everything else was nice and big and delicious., his penis is small...that's fine...he can make up for it by his tongue or his fingers or sheer stamina. He works out everyday, he can work out by trying to make me climax....

Yo, he lasted for a good minute. If that. I think we got in 5 pumps and that was it. I know the look on my face was like...REALLY??? I don't use the 'n' word but that was one instance, I really wanted to.

But, he was really loving and sweet after and the first part of the story was hot and so I rolled with it.

Then, I didn't hear from him for 3 days again.

And then he pops up like nothing happened. the the left...Ain't nobody got time for the shenanagins.

So, that was that.
He was nice to look at.

Oh...and then he popped up again on WWF while I was in London and I beat him by 300 points. He was cute but had like 1 marble rolling around in his head.

I'm Alive

*taps mic*
Hey guys, I'm still here...alive and well... And well...I've missed telling you old friends that lost touch. I want to catch you all up and it's going to take some time...

If anyone still reads this blog.
 I also want to get some new fresh blog meat happening.... If you have a blog, comment and I will add you to the roll and read everything you ever wrote.


I did go to London, Paris, Brussels and Amsterdam. I left Jan 31 and came back Feb 11th. Travel changed me in ways I didn't expect. It refocused me into what/who I want and it made me more badass. True story: Now, I don't take anyone's shit. I used to be mad passive. Now, I'm just, fuck you. When it's appropriate, of course. And since I'm fauxnonymous. Meaning, you guys know who I am but for the most part, I still write like an anonymous are the links to my European adventure from my other blog.

I will update as I get the chance