swirls of thoughts....

I officially start work on Sunday... YAYYYYYYY! 

Way off my initial plan to start work in September, giving myself 6 months of saving to move in March.
So, April it is!

I CAN'T FUCKING WAIT TO GET THE HELL OUT OF NYC!

The last pleasant day I had was with my mom...we went to eat something and shopping and I went home. It didn't involve any public transportation or work, which is sad because...who can really go out to eat and shop without a job.

And...who commutes by car to their job in NYC anyway???? It's insane.

Literally, without fail EVERY DAMN DAY some fuckshit happens. Who can live like this? I'm becoming so angry. So, I need to scrimp and save as much as I can to get the hell out of here.
Can you feel the frustration???

Moving along...
Someone on tumblr posted something that said. ..

Repeat after me:
Date someone who matches you in emotional development.
Date someone who matches you in emotional intelligence.
Date someone who can support you emotionally.

This speaks to my soul especially with (that dude with the money and bed situation). I reached out to him in subtle ways when I was really contemplating suicide. Just on some...

"Yo, I'm having a bad day. I feel like I'm going to lose it"

and dude would be like "Lol"

WTF son?

or would be like "faux zen-meditative choose to be happy" fuckshit..

(fuckshit is my new favorite word.)

And, it was like BRUH!!!! I'm trying to reach out to you. At the time, he was the only person I was talking to...about like anything...not just romantically

and it was like, I couldn't be a real person and talk about real shit.

Do you know how stifling it is to have play a role all day - beauty expert/extrovert and have real problems - suicidal thoughts/depression and then have a friend have fucking shallow ass conversations with you?

Do you know how horrible and dehumanizing it feels when someone doesn't have any interest in getting to know the real you?

And I understand that people are going through their own stuff but it really doesn't take much to listen and empathize. I do that all day in spite of how shitty I feel, I put on a fucking smile and turn on the charm and people buy that I'm a happy person.

Anyway.....I'm on that no days off plan with work until I get to Miami.
In other news, loving this song.

photogenic

Sometimes, I worry I'm not really pretty in person and that possibly, I'm just photogenic. But then, I meet someone who is like that and at least I'm fucking PASSABLE AS THE SAME FUCKIN PERSON IN THE PICTURE. I decided to give online dating a whirl. I was talking to someone really cool - smart, funny, established, well-traveled. BRUH! He was so cute in his pics but so NOT cute in person. We met at a coffee shop and he ate a red velvet cupcake with his fingers, licking icing off his fingers and everything. He had red crumbs in his teeth. Here's my rule. The grossest thing to watch someone you don't know eat is ice cream. ESPECIALLY, if you're not sexually attracted to them. It gets all over their mouth and its just nasty. Add icing to that too. Long story short, I fucking ran out of that date as soon as I finished my sandwich and smoothie. My heart is so weathered by dating. I'd much rather be alone that go through this process again and again.

better!

I've been trying to climb out of my hole of depression lately.
I haven't told anyone how I've been feeling because seriously, I need professional help.
All last week I was in a dark dark place.
Dark enough to where I started planning my suicide and obituary.

Bad.

And so, I decided to seek professional help.
And the mental health system in NYC is so fucked.
I called around to speak to someone. Everywhere you call, you have to make an appointment.
The place closest to me that is free to low cost, I called to make an appointment. Its just one lady. I left her a message. She called me back days later while I was at work. I called her back an hour later. Let's see when she calls me.
I seriously could be dead right now.

If you guys have been reading this blog for a while, you know I've struggled with depression since I was a teenager. They didn't really know what it was back then. Now, it has a name. I've just come to grips with the fact that yeah...maybe I can't handle this shit on my own.

Hopefully, the lady will call me back before I have another destructive episode.

I always know when I'm on the decline when my space starts looking crazy.
My apartment is so disheveled. Papers and clothes everywhere.
No food really because depressives dont eat.
I was talking to a coworker and I told her that I have to force myself to eat because if I don't, I still wont feel hungry but I will get a raging headache and I'd feel light-headed. She was like....why dont you eat? I told her a story like...oh yea, I just don't feel hungry.


Anyways...I made a promise to myself to fight for my life. I have been doing that with all the strength I have in my body. I've been reminding myself of who would miss me when I'm gone. Who will take care of my dog? Who will find me? Shit like that. Sometimes, doing that makes it possible to live just another day. All last week, it was literally ONE DAY AT A TIME.

Even if you're not depressed, trying to date in NYC will make you want to end it all.
>>>joke<<<<

I've been on OkCupid a lot lately. I went on a date with a guy and he was awesome on paper - loves to travel, stable job, car, no kids, super supportive of me. He was my height when I met him in person. Like..seriously, 5"3. and thin, It was so awkward hugging him. I felt like a gorilla.

I'm trying to be positive about my dating life.
I feel like...if I look at the last few people that I've dated...its getting better.
Since dating Aussie who was not as smart and didn't make as much money as me.
I've dated Claude who is smart, educated, has a house and money but had a small penis and no ambition.
Then I had a sexual relationship with Kevon who was all the things Claude was but had a big penis but couldn't kiss. What 40 year old man can't kiss? YUCK!
Then there was Max who had everything K had except a house but whoa..passion.
Then Wiley who has a car, apt, college education, career but is boring as fuck. Like, made me want to sleep talking to him. (no sex)
The dude I talked about who was short.
And now this dude who seems really cool. His name is K. He's a teacher He's funny and smart and actually calls. We'll see what happens.

I'm still planning on going to Miami in March but I feel like at least my prospects are looking better.This song has been speaking to me when it comes to relationships.

Like...the next time I fall in love, it has to make me feel better.. Yes!!!

seasons + fuckboys

I feel as thought I'm embarking on a new season in my life. As though, it is almost there..its so close that  can touch it and all I have to do is be  positive and boom...it will be here.

I'm excited about my new season.

I embrace it.

I'm ready for it.


Meanwhile on Faacebook, I posted
Once you realize you bring dinner and dessert to the table, you will stop inviting people to dine with you who only bring a knife and fork.

I have to remember this lesson with the dude I talked about in my last post. But, as I sat and I analyzed my last relationships...something I said to an ex came to mind. 

"I'm sick of doing all of the heavy lifting." 

But, not sick enough because with Afroman, Aussie, Claude, Panama Guy....and really pretty much every dude since high school, I've been doing the leg work.The spending on dates and doing things they need and even if its not monetary, its giving up the goods too early, getting comfortable too early, cooking for them too early...being in the type of relationship I want to be in too early. 

And really...the result is the same. 
Those fuckboys were not worth my gotdamn time. Each taking a part of me that I can't get back.
I always wanted to have this optimism about love and life. I thought being hard on men meant that my heart was hard and I was bitter but that's not true.

It makes me smart.
I'm a precious jewel. To find a rough diamond, you have to go deep into the Earth and mine for her. How am I any different??

This man is so damn stupid but I'm worse.I'm a fool. 
I was not fulfilled emotionally, mentally or sexually. I didn't feel supported...actively supported in any of my endeavors. None. Not in a way that didn't benefit him. Yet, I was still willing to be there for him in every aspect of his life. Why? Because for some reason, I still liked him. Why? *crickets*

Or maybe its because he represented an idea in my head of who I as supposed to be with.
We make up this idea of a person...of who we think they are...who we want them to be and suddenly this illusion takes on a life of its own and completely replaces the reality of the situation. No more.

I did makeup for a wedding today and the main thought that I took from it was...I want someone to win my heart. I don't want to give someone my heart. I want them to prove to me that they are fricking worth it, they want it and they will do what it takes to show me that I can trust the with it. 

Until then...I'll be single. 

I think I finally get it!

unpatience

I think with most women, when it comes to the guy you like, you have to learn the hard way that he is a cad.
For BFF, that means having 2 kids and still not getting a ring and a whole heap of grief.
For me, its spending over $150 on a dude in 3 days, getting mediocre sex and then radio silence for the week after.

I knew that he has issues revolving around sex and intimacy. It's the classic case of....I'm an artist and I like you but I don't want to be with you until my career blows up and I've been through this a few times.This last time is what it's taken for me to learn my gotdamn lesson!!!

I did what I did out of the kindness of my heart because dude is on hard times.
Thursday night, I offered to buy him a drink because he was having some financial issues and I wanted to see him/cheer him up. Drinks ended up being dinner too. Bill was $70. We ended up making out and it got hot and heavy. I was on my period and couldn't get it the way I wanted to. He mentioned while we were out that his bed was still in storage and he was sleeping on the floor. He's been in his new place for 2 weeks and he wouldn't have the money to get it out for another 2 weeks. I immediately called up BFF and we agreed to rent him a Uhaul. She would drive it and we would get his bed out on Saturday.

Saturday came and the Uhaul place was out of vans. I rang my neighbor's bell and asked her to help (she has vans that she uses to transport kids to school). We went to the storage place. I bought him a lock. The storage place clipped his lock because he was past due on his fees and they wouldn't let him pick up his bed without buying a new lock. Why was a new lock $20? Robbery!

We put his bed in the van which entailed us removing seats and hauling the bed, box spring and frame into the van and into his apartment. I paid my neighbor $40. That night we'd already made plans for him to come over and do the do. He was hungry and broke so, I ordered a pizza. Another $20.

The foreplay was awesome. He's a great kisser and I love how he touches me. However......something was off. He has issues with being too much in his head which ruins the mood. He has performance anxiety which is...sweet. But, its like...damn! If I'm moaning, its good. I'm pretty vocal about what I like and don't like. First round was decent. I wanted more. We played around some more until it was apparent, he didn't have a 2nd round in him. He spent the night. We woke up the next day and tried again. Not even then did he have another go left. I think it was the performance anxiety thing. I was so unsatisfied. The whole encounter left me frustrated to say the least.

Now, the money thing...its not a big deal. Really....I justified it in my head that we're friends. I'd do the same thing for any good friend. The kick in the junk was I realized that I hadn't heard from him all week. I  texted and FB Messaged. Radio silence. I got scared because we'd talked about how we both had dark thoughts before. My rule is to always reach out to someone whenever I get to that place and to check on people I know are prone to depression. I actually called this ninja and left a message that was like..."Please call me. I want to know you're alright." Silence.

And then I went on social media.

There's no wetter blanket than when you're trying to reach someone and they don't respond to you but they're on instagram and facebook and taking pics with people and living their fucking life like they have no fucking worries.

That was a slap in the face for me.

And so, I'm done with the situation.
I have but one rule for dealing with men.
Thou shalt not make a fool of me.
He broke that rule.

So, fuck him.
My work right now is spotty at best. I value my coins because I have some shit I need to do too.
I could work 40 hours this week and 4 hours next week. I helped him because I considered him a friend but maybe he just saw me as something else.
The voice in the back of my head is saying that this whole thing is a big misunderstanding. But, this is how I feel about it right now. So....that's that.

Never a failure. Always a lesson.
Always a lesson.

otra vez

i was talking to panama guy aka carlos about random things...lately, i felt a bit distant from him. he's being a bit ambitious with 2 start up companies and a regular job so i cut him some slack.

if you're unfamiliar: panama guy and i met online in july. at the time he lived in panama but was on his way back to the us. he moved back in late august. we met in september and things were interesting. we expressed mutual interest but failed to make a complete love connection. he blamed the move: looking for a job, the holidays were crazy and then with his start ups he felt it would be unfair to me if we started dating because he wouldnt be able to give me the attention i deserved. we were friendly. blabbermouth me told him the play by play (not everything but most) about claude. i told him i started dating claude because he put me in the friend zone. he said, i never put you in the friend zone. you're amazing. i would love to date you. this a week before nye. once again, he said, if i date you, i want to be the best man i can be for you. i can't do that right now. (yea, melt melt puddle)

cut to nye. he invited me to his house where his mom and sister LOVED me. me and his mom had a loooong talk about death on nye.yep. death. his sister kept saying how much she wanted me to date him and blah blah blah...it was nice. there was another girl there that his sister kept giving the side eye to. i forget her name but what i remember is that she wore a strapless dress, no stockings and high heeled sandals - like 1 strap across her toes. in NYC on NYE when it was 19degrees outside. something about her felt wrong. i asked him who she was...a childhood friend. i let it be.

microwave love

so i made claude dinner for his birthday on the 22nd. i made bacon-covered bbq chicken with roasted potatoes and asparagus. i decorated his dining area with christmas lights, candles and flowers. he even had a freakin gift. that meal was delicious, too. everything was purple- his fave color. even the special drink i made him was purple. i wore a purple top and a tight skirt and thigh high boots that kept falling because my thighs are smaller now. boom!

(yes, claude's real name starts with a j..sneaky...lol)

he was really appreciative and i was tipsy so we went into the bedroom and made the sex for 3 minutes and 49 seconds. lit'rally.

 and carlos is still buzzing around and convincing me of something...what that something is, i have no idea, yet. i guess to not friend zone him. maybe, he's trying to convince me to take my time. i'm a woman of the 00's. i want my shit now. i want my love microwaved so that when it buzzes and i open the door, butterflies and doves fly out at me. so, we're in this weird dance. i'm mildly aware of him.

 his birthday was the 27th. we went to see the secret life of walter mitty. awesome movie. and i just kept staring at his eyelashes. they're like a doll's. ridiculous. and he kept staring at my lips. and then the last hour we were together, we both knew the date (??) was winding down so i kept staring at his mouth.

Fuck RomComs!

So it seems I never talked about this dude I met on POF. He is one of the last dudes I met before I just abandoned ship. I shall call him Carlos. Carlos and I met in late July and have been talking ever since. At the time, he was living in Panama.

I know, weird.

He was working on his PhD, studying abroad in Spain when his funding fell through. He didn't want to come home (to Brooklyn, where I also live - just in case ya didn't know) so he went to live with an aunt in Panama for a year.

Awesome not awesome.

Well, we met and talked and it was cool. He kept saying how he was coming home and being the cynical bitch I am, I was like..yeah, right. But he did!! In September. And I was all like...oh yea, we're totally going to be a couple. We talked every day and we did some "show me yours, i'll show you mine" via Skype and the vibes were vibing. Then.....he came home and it was like...oh shit, he needs a job and a cell phone and a place to live.

Being the macho latin man that he is, he did not ask me to help but I felt weird inviting him out to places and him not having money or being strapped for cash so we didn't hang out.

until October. and it was a cheap date and it was fun.

Men are Confounding

I'd been seeing Corey since September off and on. Our relationship was casual. When we were lonely, we'd hang and it was all good. Friday night, we got some food and hung out, talked and we sort of fooled around a bit. After, we talked some more and he told me that he was developing feelings for me and that he wanted to explore them a bit more.

I was elated. I, too, had secretly been developing feelings for him and could see myself really dating him. Corey is funny, smart, driven and is overall, a sweet guy. He didn't want to just hang anymore. He asked me out on a formal date. Score!

He dropped me off home and I started trying on outfits for our date on Saturday until  I realized I left my phone in his car. Boo!

I emailed him. It was late. He ended up bringing it to me at work. When I looked up and saw his face, my heart leapt. He hugged me from behind and handed me my phone, told me he was double-parked and that he'd see me later.

My client asked me..Who is that?
My boyfriend, I replied. - I know! I know!! Wishful thinking....

Corey texted me at around 7:30 that he was still in Queens. (About 30-45 minutes from where I live in Brooklyn) but that he'd call me later. I was getting off of work at that time and we were scheduled to meet at 10.

Corey is habitually late, so when 10pm rolled around, I still hadn't showered or dressed. I also hadn't heard from him. I sent him a text saying, "Hey. What's up?"

No response.
He called me 3 times back to back at 11pm. Each time I picked up, all I heard was silence.
I called him back twice and the same thing.

Weird.
I sent him a text asking if something was wrong with his phone because I couldn't hear anything..No response.
Even weirder.

He called me again at 12 and then at 1:30. Same thing.
At this point, I'm like...is he playing games with me?
I turned the ringer off my phone and went to sleep.

PISSED.

Not only was I officially stood up, he was toying with me. If he didn't want to date me, he didn't have to bring it up.

Saturday, I hung out with my Twin. He said that clearly Corey is playing games and I shouldn't even invest anymore time in it. The whole situation is bizarre to say the least. As we're talking, another call from him comes through and the same shit - SILENCE.

He told me the next time he calls, I should go off when I pick up...no..Hello, hi, I can't hear you. I'm being too nice.

Maybe he's right.
But...WHY go through all of that? WHY fuck up a good thing? I really don't get it.

feet on the ground

i'm vegan.
not sure if i mentioned this before but my eczema has gotten out of control. rather than go on steroids which caused a lot of the problem, i've turned my diet upside down.

no meat, dairy, corn and corn products, and gluten/wheat-free when i can.

the first 2 weeks, i felt like my feet were stuck in quicksand. now, i feel really good. i don't think i want to go back to a regular diet again. in addition to being vegan, i've been slathering blackseed oil and shea butter on my skin like nobody's business. i've lost some weight. my skin which was heavily discolored is now starting to lighten up.

there is a light spot on my face. i'm trying not freak out about it. it could be vitiligo. vitiligo is connected to people that have eczema...i really don't want to add another thing to the battle but...i'm putting blackseed oil on that too...ugh!

lady k sent me an email asking me about the frenchman.
in april, i asked was it real or game? GAME.
a little after our 2nd date, we were supposed to meet up for lunch while we were both at work.

firstly...we live in nyc. who asks someone to help them move from philly to nj out of the blue.
secondly, why didnt he call or text me to tell me that. i was calling HIM about 30 minutes before we were to meet up.

he says, i'll make it up to you. i'm going to be tired but i'll be taking the train into penn station (down the block from my job) about the same time you're leaving from work. maybe i'll be 30mins or an hour late if you want to wait for me.

sounds reasonable.

i wait 30 minutes before i'm to leave because i'm NOT waiting for someone who's communication track record is not so hot. no answer.

i called this dude like 3 or 4 times.

that was saturday. he calls me monday.
he has the nerve to ask me "why haven't i heard from you?"

are you fucking serious dude???
he claims he came in from nj at 2am. sunday is his day of rest and he doesn't speak to anyone on sundays and here we are monday. but i could've called him on sunday.

it took everything in me not to curse his ass out.
i calmly explained that when you stand someone up..they're not that eager to try and reach out to you. you did wrong. you apologize. he then sees it my way.

he wants to make a plan to see me again. i'm non-committal.
i call him and text him just to see if i'm holding a grudge. this time. he goes RADIO SILENT.
no calls, no texts.
WTF.

yo....3 WEEKS GO BY.
he hits me up like we've been chopping it up every fuckin day.
him:"why haven't i heard from you?"
me: i could ask you the same thing
him: i was on business in alabama and in other middle-america states.

i laugh. hard.

him: i noticed you stopped calling me and texting me so i was seeing what was up. i'm back home. i want to see you.

i don't say a word. i just hang up on him.


and that is that.
soooo many things i wanted to say/could've said...i just let it go. it was SO not worth it.
this is why he's 34, has a great job, great apartment, no kids, knows a lot about various topics but is SINGLE. he's crazypants.

ain't nobody got time for that.

Never a Mistake. Always a Lesson

Lessons learned tonight:
1.Stop being so damn lonely.
2. Stop being so damn naive.
I'm currently on the local train from Harlem to Brooklyn which sucks so much. I don't know what time I will get home or if I will get home (so dramatic!)
I only have myself to blame.
G and I went on a date in June. Drinks...dancing....fun. At the end of the date, he didn't want the night to end. I, who'd just danced for 2 hours in 4 inch heels, was enthusiastic but weary. We walked around as he searched his heart and mind for what it wanted  to do.
As we waited for my train, he decided he wanted IHoP and some bed hopping and I just wasn't down. Man, he begged. It wasn't cute until he realized I just wouldn't budge.
Sporadic attempts at a 2nd date were made. If you call his asking me to spend days at his house attempts at a 2nd date. :/
Yes...he's asked me on 3 separate occasions to spend several days at his house with him.
Today, his approach was different. Lets make it a Blockbuster night. I laughed. Ok.
I showered and put on a cute quirky outfit and headed to Harlem.
He directed me to his apartment via phone.
Him: Tell me you missed me
Me: No. I didn't. Did you miss me?
Him: Yeah....why you think I've been blowin up your phone?
.....
Me: Why aren't you a gentleman meeting me downstairs?
Him: You didn't ask me to.
Me: I have to ask you to be a gentleman?
He met me at the door with a hug that groped my butt and a kiss that he wanted to last longer but I pulled away.
He was dresses terribly. An old T-shirt that maybe had holes in it and a loose old pair of sweats that did not flatter him at all.
I'd told him earlier that I'm on a vegan diet. He offers me a burger. I decline. He says we could go to the corner store and get me something.
I just ask for water. He tries to push alcohol on me.
I'm annoyed.
I've plated hostess plenty of times. Ive made sure to have something for my guests.
His place was a mess. He looked a mess. You see where I'm going.
What are we watching?
Pick something on Netflix
Ugh. I have Netflix at home. Finding something on there sometimes is a challenge.
As I'm picking,I have to stand in the middle of his room and scroll. He comes up behind me and tries to make me bend over.
When I wouldn't...he rubs himself against me.
Yesterday, I told him I had my period. I have no idea wtf he was thinking.
We sit down and watch a movie. An old coworker calls me all upset. I answer and he starts trying to take my shorts off.
*side eye*
I get off the phone.
What are you doing?
Nothing. Lets just watch the movie.
We watch. He puts his arm around me.
Its nice until he starts rubbing my breast. I move.
He licks and bites my neck. I wipe his saliva off of me. I get up, put my shoes on. I kiss him on the cheek and leave.
I'm proud of myself. Period or not. I didn't want to sleep with him. I wanted to be held close with popcorn in our laps watching a movie.
I don't expect Don Juan....but I certainly didn't expect Homeless Ed.

If I wasnt feeling so damn lonely, I would've seen the writing on the wall about what he was about instead of being so damn naive. I feel like I'm not going to find someone...maybe I'm too something and no one will ever love me. Yes, they can use my body for the night but really get to know me and love me...idk.

When I got home, he said I didn't have to leave.

I've been sexually assaulted before being in the same situation. This person I trusted more. I said no twice..the third time, it was while he was ripping off my underwear. I'll never be in that same position again. I'll take the local A train from Harlem to Brooklyn.

Boys Boys Boys Pt 3

The next day, I feel really good about the sex but really awful that it was Matt. So, I text him.

Me: How do you feel about last night?
Him: I feel like it was something that was going to happen...it was inevitable. I'm glad we got it out of the way.
Me: Yea, I wanted to fuck you for a long time. I don't want anything extra from you, though.
Him: Me too. I wanted to do that for the longest but you know how I feel about relationships.

Which basically means, he avoids them like Dracula avoids the Sun.

We were square.
I went to Europe. It was awesome. I came back horny.

Clinton and I met up one late night. I went to his house and we had sexytime. It was 1 position, short and I was a little disappointed. I mean, the first time we went for hours and hours but this time was just....quick. He apologized. He said he'd already masturbated before he knew I was coming but he did eat me out until I climaxed which was awesome. lol...he's a giver, that guy.

I slept over. We spooned. The next day, he had to get up early for work. I wanted a quickie but he was in a bad mood saying how tired he was and I felt guilty.

So, here's the picture:
me, Clinton and his dog leaving his house. They (him and the dog) waited for me to catch the bus, he kisses me goodbye and I pet the dog.
It felt like we were...together.

And that's where I kind of lost my footing.

That picture was so emblazoned in my mind and I was so geeked. I was going to buy him a bed in a bag because he had mismatched sheets...
I told my coworkers...I had stars in my eyes.

Not even a week later, I was PMS'ing. I felt like my job was shit. I hate everyone. I texted him. He told me about his job interview. He was so excited, he just had to send them some samples. I was my encouraging self. Then I told him I was having a bad day.

And I got..........................................nothing.

For 4 fucking days, he was silent.

So, I text him. You guys know I'm not taking that shit.
Me: So, *crickets* That's all you have to say?
Him: Sorry, with the new job, I don't have access to my phone.
Me: Yeah.....okay.

And that was the end of that. Radio silence for a few weeks. 
I was a little hurt because I thought at the end of the day, we could be FRIENDS. I didn't want him to take me out and introduce me to his friends or anything but a little support.

Whatever.

meat grinder

I have never really known the meaning of the word, 'no.' I know what you're thinking...I must be spoiled or have always gotten my way but, I always saw 'no' as a detour to 'yes' and pretty much everything I've ever done in my that started with 'no' ended in 'yes' some way or another.

Because, I'm fucking determined.

The previous posts...that poetry was inspired by DK. For a short while, I thought we would get back together and that we were going to be okay. Obviously, I was wrong.

Suddenly. my phone calls and texts are unreturned. It's like he fell off the planet.
At first, I was worried....something must've happened! He must be hurt or dead or deported. Surely, he wouldn't just be ignoring me. Then it set in that that's precisely what he was doing.

I feel hurt, stupid, angry but most of all, I feel an overwhelming sadness that seeps out of me and surrounds me like a blue aura that everyone sees and I have no explanation for it. Not a rational one that I could explain to people.

How can I feel something for someone who treats me this way?

I've been snappy and bitchy at work. I'm a wreck.

Most of all, I feel so alone.

I don't have many friends. My call log will tell you that I have 3 people that I call consistently. I hear that as you get older, that number shrinks and shrinks and I think about dying alone. Morbidity aside, I wanted DK. From the moment we hugged goodbye after our first date, I wanted him and I let my guard down. I over-extended myself and went out of my way. I gave him my body and my heart and I felt like he wanted to give his heart to me but just wouldn't. Whatever his reasons, it doesn't matter, the end result is the same. My heart is broken.

Wynsters said I have to be the one to make the decision to stay or walk away and it just felt like deja vu. I broke one of my cardinal rules: Never go back to someone you've already walked away from. But I did because it was easy and because I thought I loved him.

Truth is, that last statement "thought I loved him" shouldn't be in past tense but since love is a verb, I have to stop loving him....

I feel like the choice to stop doing so makes me feel like my heart is being ripped from me and being sent through a meat grinder.

  This picture was on PostSecret this week and when I saw it, I wanted to cry because that's essentially what I want.

SO, this is the first no I will accept, delete the person from my memory bank and move on. Because a no from him is not a NO to my happy ending. And GOTDAMMIT, I will have my happy fucking ending.

IN other news, the book is out on most platforms. The official release date is November 10th...that's the date I hope it's out on ALL platforms...right now..Amazon, Kindle and Nook have picked it up. I'm hella excited.

Anyways...gotta go...Hurricane Sandy is threatening NYC with some major damage....we'll see how that works out.

coping mechanisms

this week was pure stress getting my grandmother's arrangements together.
i can't even tell you all that goes into making sure a loved one is sent away properly but i will say at the end of it all, we made sure that she had a dignified service and burial. i couldn't have done it without my mom.

my brother, the youngest one is 31 years old. he might as well be 13. he did really nothing to help and complained the entire time while me and my mom are running wild trying to get things done he's like... i'm hungry. i'm sleepy. i'm blah blah blah. we were in the car: me, mom and bro and we're trying to get my grandmother's clothes together that she was going to be buried in and the entire car ride, he complained. i looked in him his eyes and i said as loud as i could, SHUT UP! i really wanted to throw the f-bomb in there but my mom was around. he kept touching me..hugging me and playing with my hair and stuff....for like 2 days straight. i don't particularly like to be touched. so, i was like  STOP TOUCHING ME! she was like...you're so mean. on another ocassion, when she first told me about my grandmother dying....i didn't cry. my reaction was pure business like....ok, what do we have to do? she was like, why are you so cold?

so, i'm cold and mean.
and pretty much everyone concurred.
but they did also add that i'm polite.
i'm polite as a motherfucker.
if that's any consolation.

(it's not)

people don't understand that grief shows itself in many ways. and, i don't get how they want me to be weepy and inconsolable one minute but be on top of the arrangements and keep it together the next.
my mother called me a robot.

yea, i'm a robot that couldn't sleep at night, woke up crying when i did and basically felt the weight of a $7,000 funeral on my shoulders.

needless to say...it was a rough week, man.
my brothers and aunt left hours ago.
brock had been texting me all weekend to come over and fuck him. i decided that....having sex with dk was a great coping mechanism when my gma first died. it made me forget about the stress and emotional turmoil at least for the night. he held me tight and i got the best sleep i'd had all week.
as soon as they left, i called brock and went over to his house.

it is a really nice house.
i didn't get a tour. i came in through the back door which led straight to his bedroom.
we sat and talked about music for like 5 minutes and then he kissed me.

brock's lips are twice the size of mine and they are awesome. he did everything really well.
his penis is not as large as dk's but he knows how to work it better. he was adventurous and he worked my ass like a rag doll. it was good.

but then, he mentioned earlier that he had a work call at 9. we finished at 8:45ish. he asked me how i was getting home because of his call and such.
so, i put on my clothes and called a cab. he didn't even wait with me while the cab came.
i feel kind of empty inside...something i never felt after sex with dk.
he cuddles me and we talk and he insists that i spend the night. i've never really had sex and bounced immediately afterward.

i called dk when i got home and i wanted to talk to him but i got a feeling he didn't want to talk to me. he was like..

dk: how was your week?
me: crazy...yours?
dk: mine was good. why was it crazy?
me: i buried my grandmother.
dk: oh yea, how was that?
me:: i'll call you back later.

how was burying my grandmother?
it was freakin awesome!!!
how can someone be so tender and yet so clueless at the same time?

i want brock's sex game with dk's cuddle sessions and the ability to feel comfortable talking.
and dates. lots and lots of dates......

i was talking to my aunt about men because she asked me why don't i have a bf. i said, i'm sick of games. i'm too old to be wasting my time on dead-end relationships. i want a family.
my aunt is almost 50. she's dating a younger man, he's 42. she was talking to me about the same shit i blog about. she said...26, 32, 42, 60...they all do the same shit.

how depressing  is that!!?!

my friends were all over the place this week. i felt very much alone 90% of the time. i guess i just need to get used to it. grandma's best friend is still alive. they weren't holding hands in the casket. born alone. die alone yes? yes.

Scatterbrains

My mind has been everywhere this week.
(LAST) Tuesday, I called DK and I told him that I was feeling like he didn't want to be with me in the same way I did him. I want to see him and talk to him more but if he wanted those same things it would happen. I told him I wanted to leave him alone. He begs for another chance. There's a good explanation. Lets talk about it in person.  Fine. I give in.
From Tuesday, he texts me on SATURDAY. Not even wanting to meet up. Just saying hello. I threw out hints. He didn't even respond.
That said to me that nothing changed.
I took myself to see The Avengers. I swear...every cute couple in the vicinity made sure they walked in my path. I was heartsick.
On the train, there was a couple holding hands, talking, laughing. The guy would lovingly grab the back of the girl's neck. It was the sexiest thing. I started crying on the train.
I don't want roses everyday, grandiose expressions of love...I just want simple. Lets be together. Lets touch, laugh, talk.
No.
I wrote him an email.Here it is:

Dear DK,

I don't consider myself to be a bitch, a nag or a person to demand things because I don't like for people to bitch, nag or demand things of me. I met you a year ago. From the first date, my answer was yes. I thought that you were funny, hard-working, chivalrous and most of all special. I knew that I wanted to build something with you. My answer was yes from day 1. And so, a year later, when I ask you the same question....your answer is unclear to me. You say yes sometimes but your actions always say no. Honestly, it doesn't take a year to know if you like someone enough for a relationship.

Calling you is like playing Russian Roulette in my mind. Will he answer? Won't he? I plan out when I'm going to text you so I can get an answer by a certain time because I know it takes at least 20 minutes to hear back from you, sometimes hours or maybe days. The things I'm asking you for are simple. I'm not trying to get married or even have you change your FB status or declare your love for me. I'm simply asking for a phone call, a movie date, a stroll in the park but I feel like an asshole for asking for these things because you don't have time. But, you have time for the gym or going out with the guys or whatever you really want to do. When I see you, I want to hold your hand or hug you or show you that I like you with non-sexual affection but I feel like I'm going to be rejected if I do that. And so, if I feel like that...the answer is no. These things should come natural.

After our last conversation, the same two phrases came to my mind: "I don't want anything I have to beg for" and "If the answer is no, let me go." I am an amazing woman. I would figure out a way to get you the moon if you asked me. I feel as though I deserve someone who would at least get me a star. I feel like you would only want be around for sex or to hang around until you have it all figured out. I'm not a CD that you can pause, rewind, fast forward and play at your leisure. Foolishly, I've developed feelings for you and since you don't want me in the same way I want you, you're now hurting me.

This sucks because I have faith that no matter where you go and what you do, you will succeed in life. No matter what, you will win. Always remember that. I wish you the best. I hope that you have all that you really want and that any obstacles you encounter are just there to teach you something. I wanted us to be friends and enjoy the city together this summer. I wanted a lot for us but it is not possible.

Goodbye.

With love,

Nina

I feel like an idiot for falling for him. Now, my heart is hurting and there's nothing I can do. I hate it.
The worst part is he still hasn't responded.
Makes me feel even worse!
I've been pretending not to be hurt. I haven't mentioned it to anyone but it does hurt and I have cried. It was almost love. Love is so precious. There was no way I could stay and continue on and act like it was what I wanted. I'd rather pretend with myself than with someone else. Idk. Was I wrong?

Buh-Bye Pt 2 (Finally!)

He answers it. (!!!)
He agrees to let his cousins come over. (!!!!!)
They do and bring food. He then proceeds to have a loud ass conversation with them about random dumb shit.
I feel uneasy about it.
I leave.

I proceed to curse him out via text.
He doesn't know why I'm upset.

Firstly, we just had wack ass sex and then you smoke a joint, fall asleep in another room and then let your cousins come over. I'm supposed to feel secure in a house by myself with 4 dudes, 3 of whom I couldn't pick out of a lineup. Right.

I tell him I don't want to see him anymore.

The next day, he texted me 'Good Morning.' I replied with the same.

I went to brunch with my friend JG and I tell him the whole story. He's like why the fuck did you text him some pleasantries. You should cursed him out again. He's probably thinkin you're not serious.
So, I emailed him why I don't want to see him anymore.

The first of which was that he somehow tricked some woman into marrying him although he doesn't eat pussy and that is a deal-breaker for me. Then, his erectile dysfunction. And lastly...the wack shit of having a spontaneous party after that wack ass sex.

I told him....
"If we are supposed to have a strictly sexual relationship and the sex is far from satisfying, what's the point?"

After this whole diatribe from me ..this fool says..."You don't have the right to tell me who can come to my house and when. We never had a relationship. We had a friendship."

A friendship is not a type of relationship.

Which proves he's a fucking idiot and he never shoul have gotten the panties.

Ugh!

Buh-Bye

!!!!!!!!!!NSFW!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesdsay, Trini text me some really freaky stuff as he was getting off of work and I was going in.
That opened the door for me to have a difficult conversation with him that I'd been wanting to all along.

"I'm not feeling satisfied sexually with you. I know it might just be the whole bleeding thing but I just have to know."

"What's the problem?"

"I want you to go down on me."

"I don't do that."

"You don't eat pussy?"

"I have before. It's just not my thing...but I love being sucked off. It's my favorite thing in the world."

"So you should understand why I would want you to go down on me."

"Yes but I hate it."

"Sucking dick isn't that fun for me."

"Yes, but do you hate it?"

"No, but it isn't my favorite thing to do but I do it because it pleases you. Maybe you should do it to please me."

"Mmmm...I'm thinking about you sucking me off right now."

*sigh*

>>>>>>>>

Friday night, I was feeling really "bothered." So, I text Trini to see what he was doing. He was hosting a poker party for his friends in hopes to make a little extra money.

I told him how I was feeling and he was like....tell me what you would want me to do to you.
The first thing I said was go down on me and then I proceeded with exact positions and such.

He says, "Oh, I'll definitely give you the D." - and glazed over the other stuff that I said.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Saturday night, Trini and I agreed to meet up. I would spend the night and he would take me home in the morning on his way to work. I came over in sweats, no makeup and no hair. It was may-jor. He actually liked it. He said I looked very different but essentially, I'm beautiful with or without it. We watched Poetic Justice on BET. In the middle of it, he muted the movie and turned on some music and was like "Dance for me."

So I did my lil strip tease. We passionately kissed. He started biting my neck and sucking on my breasts and going further down so in my head, I'm like YES!!! He takes off my panties. YES! And he puts on a condom and starts penetration.

It was more like a Yes than a YES.

All of a sudden, he stops and is like..."suck me off."

He's flaccid.

Oy.

We try again. Different position. He stops.

At first, I thought I was bleeding. Nope. Flaccid.

He blames the condom. Its too tight. He gets another.

We're good. We're good. He stops.

In my mind...I'm like WTF!!!!

"Your pussy is so tight and this condom is tight too. I feel like my dick is choking."

He gets up. He's talking to himself. Nothing is working.

"What do you want me to do?"  He means, the alternative is to go without the condom and I'm not with that.  So he just got off with a handjob.

I was pissed.

Literally in the past 5 years, I've had sex maybe a handful of times. I thought this was going to be my way back in. The situation was set up perfectly. He was emotionally unavailable and I was emotionally detached. Even if he didn't have all his baggage, it wouldn't work out between us so there was no way I could fathom in my mind a relationship past something sexual but he was not performing his main function.

At least we could cuddle.

"I'm going to finish watching Poetic Justice."

"Really? I just want to go to bed"

"Ok, I'll be there in a few minutes."

About 10 minutes pass. His phone rings.

happy and sad

i'm super happy to be going to houston. i arrive 11:59 on this thursday evening and its amazing that trish has been generous enough to help me with a ticket and open her doors to me (and my pooch)...who does that?? thank you!!!

this trip has been the light at the end of the tunnel for me because there are so many things making me sad here. i'm going to try and balance the happy with the sad.

happy
louie (i changed the spelling of his name) is so sweet and he listens to commands. he peed on my floor and i told him to go! and he went...lol.

sad
aussie and i were supposed to hang out last night. i told myself ...i would not confirm the date nor would i cook because i want to see his intentions. i am usually the one confirming our meet-ups just because i am super type a all the time and i always have a hot meal waiting for him. i was kind of OVER aussie anyway because we were also supposed to hang out on friday at his house which he conveniently misunderstood as us meeting at my house. i've known this dude for 3 years and i still haven't been invited to his house. something is fishy. so..anyways,i did compromise and agree to meet at my house on sunday because i wanted to see him before i left for houston and i really just needed a hug and a kiss. you know..some affection. but not really sex cuz that ish is PAINFUL right now.

anyways....sunday, i get a text from him asking, "what's for dinner?"
me: ?
aussie: oh ok then
me: you're welcome to bring something
aussie: i don't have anything (umm, what does that mean?)
me: so, you going home first?
aussie: i don't have food at home. (IS IT MY RESPONSIBILITY TO FEED YOU?)
me: so, what do you want to do?
aussie: idk
me: ok, let me know.

did he indeed let me know? NO. I actually called him today and he didn't pick up.

HOW RUDE!

so, i went through the motions: angry then sad. hoping indifference would be next.
its not about being stood up...its about me not providing a need for him and him going ghost. ugh! i don't even want to talk about it anymore. i knew better. i deserve better and i'm just not going to go backwards anymore.

sn: how you gonna be on facebook talking about.."call you anything but broke" and all this other shit and you don't even have money for food. you can't even bring over some chinese to my house. i bet if i said all this shit about how i can do splits and cartwheels in the bedroom and then when it came down to it, said i was celibate, i'd get into some serious trouble. OVER IT.

happy
i went IN on my makeup today. i looked really nice.

sad.
my job.
is killing me.
as wynsters says all the time, "i need a grown up job with a grown up salary."
i got picked on hella hard today and was threateneed to be sent home if i don't keep my white lab coat clean.
firstly, WHO THE FUCK gives someone who works with makeup all day a white lab coat? THEN, i'm expected to clean dust, get stock from a dirty stock room and do all this foolishness in a white lab coat.
PLEASE SEND ME FUCKING HOME. Jerk.
oh yea...AND my nails are hunter green when they're supposed to be clear, pink or red. I really want to be like "Fuck OFf!"

i'm so tired. i'm so tired. i'm so tired.
i gotta make some major changes.

happy.
we danced yesterday in church and people are giving us rave reviews.

sad.
bff is lost in the baby sauce.
chick doesn't respond to texts/phone calls until days later. i called her on friday and am still waiting for a response (monday night)...smh.
i want to ask her to take me to the airport on thursday but honestly, walking to the airport seems like an easier option. like, by the time, i'd get a yes or a no...i'll already be in houston or be looking for a ride back home from the airport.
i'm kind of over that situation too.
we're just 2 different people. i always reach out to the people around me. i couldn't really be in a bubble like that...not unless i purposefully did so and that would mean serious depression.its just annoying.



happy.
i'm pretty sure i have first world problems and it could be worse. i'm blessed.

Updates!

I'm still alive ya'll.

Let me try to update you guys in a way that in concise and ish.

Love and Other Drugs

In my mind DK and I are done-zo. I'd been weaning myself off of thinking about him after we went out about 2 or 3 weeks ago. We met up and sat in Bryant Park. We talked about some things. He basically said what he always says...hold on....when I start school it will be better. I'll have less jobs...yadda yadda yadda....

I won't lie. I was kinda stuck on him because I don't like anyone. A man has to have the right mix of intellect, ambition, humor and social skills for me to melt like butter. He has it. Every relationship needs attention and affection to grow and we weren't growing. So, I needed to move on so that I wouldn't remain stuck and I wouldn't start resenting him.

At the end of the day, I felt like he had me on lay-away and that he just wasn't that into me. Today in church, my pastor said the craziest thing. He said, "Ladies, don't you ever wait for a man. Once you wait and they come back to you, they realize they've outgrown you." - Oh hells nawl. I'm not going to be a sucka. All I can see is...*Antoine D voice* 'He is dumb. he is really really dumb' - to not want to scoop my flyy ass up. *drops mic* "Sexual Chocolate everybody!"

So, of course in my craziness, I decided to try Match.com on the insistence of BFF and Toni Childs. I tried it free and poked my head around because I felt like anyone paying $20 - $40 a month is hella serious about finding someone. Of course, all the dudes that hit me up were over 40, sometimes over 50. and white. Ummm, I would date a white boy. He has to be a certain type of man. Old and over 50 is not him. So, I need to delete my profile.

Smh.

I think I'm just going to give this whole dating thing a rest. Its becoming an anxious thing for me. Everytime I go out, I think...am I going to see a cute guy today? If so, will he/I be interested? Its a drain!

That draining feeling is what kind of kept me stuck on DK for longer than it would've normally had...because the process of finding someone sucks. I guess because they're supposed to find you.

I am kinda lonely though. Lonely is no joke. Lonely eats at you. Lonely gets you into trouble because you run to the wrong things trying to get away from it. It hasn't driven me insane yet. So, I guess I'm alright.


Work and Projects

Work was kicking my ass for a while (like a month and a half). I literally am at work all day like "these people are nuts!" My body is used to standing up all day. Its the salary that needs adjusting. I'm trying to move my way up and stuff.

I was Service Leader of the Day which means I got $10, my pic on the wall in the lunchroom and 3 pseudo-expensive perfumes. The other girls are hating. So, me being me, I started singing Trina "Baddest Bitch" to them.

My boss keeps saying that I'm her favorite. That ish is going to cause contention with my co-workers soon. I can tell but I'm hoping that it'll be okay. I may have an opportunity to do a makeup event with my company and go traveling to the different stores. *crossed fingers*

I need more money!! Damn!

I resigned my position at the magazine. It feels like a weight off my shoulders. I wished Editor the best and I meant it. Her dependency on me was probably holding her back. Who knows? Only God.

Friends

BFF had Baby BFF on August 16th. She was 7lbs 10oz. She is a doll!!!
Punjabi has been really excellent with the baby and of course BFF has stars in her eyes and ish. she needs to get real about what she wants and what's feasibly her future with dude.

He overheard me and Toni talking bad about him. I felt bad and sent him an apology text. My friendship with BFF is changing. I realized two things about her.

1. She can't hold water. She told me about a conversation she had with her ex-husband. She told him that Toni was having a relationship with her cousin. She told everyone that Toni was having a relationship with her cousin. She told her ex that Toni saw him on TV twice in the same jeans. The first thing he said was, "Tell Toni to stop fucking her cousin." O.O In the moment, it was funny but then I thought...if she told this man she speaks to maybe 10 times a year something hella personal about Toni, what has she told him about me? What does Toni know about me if I know some SHIT about her? For a moment, it felt hypocritical of me to blog about her in detail and I have told Twin some stuff about BFF and Toni but the people I've told stuff, I know they would never ever throw it back in her face. The chances of you blog readers of meeting me and her aren't that slim but I'm sure you decent people wouldn't be like..."wait, are you the girl that was fucking her cousin?" after saying hello.

Now that I think about it, Toni mentioned something in mixed company that I did and I was hella embarassed about it. She only knew about it because BFF told her. SO, I guess that puts the nail in that coffin. Moral of the day, ladies and gents, if a friend tells you something and you just MUST share it: blog it anonymously and make sure they don't dig blogs, tell someone whom you know will never tell another soul or at least blurt it out in front of them or just tell it to Jesus.

2. Toni also said she would stop telling BFF about her relationship with Punjabi. Clearly, she's not going anywhere. Why should I listen to her bitch and moan about what he does to her - what she allows him to do to her - when she doesn't heed my advice? My advice hasn't changed... Leave that n-word alone! Since she wants to marry him (!!!) and make babies with him and such...what I say is like a drop in a bucket of water - inconsequential.

I know our relationship is changing because once you start limiting your communication with people...what you can and can't say to them...its over!

But the other part of me is saying I need life-long friends around me. What do you think?


That's all for now.

From Mothers to Just mother-F-ers

A few weeks ago, I met a guy while walking Rocky. He was cute and it was nice the kind of shy way he stepped to me. We talked on the phone once after missing each other and the conversation was..forced. He's 29. Never attempted any college...just went into being a security guard...which he has been for something like 12 years. Now, before you call me bourgie..which if you do, you'd be like the 100th person this weekend to do so...my dad was a blue collar worker and I have no problem with them. I like men that can wire stuff, sheet rock, and plunge a toilet but its like whatever you do..be excellent at it. You don't have to go to college but read the newspaper...read books...be able to converse intelligently. He's soooo about the neighborhood. I am soooo not about the neighborhood. If I were, honestly, I would've been knocked up a long time ago...because that's what the neighborhood breeds - complacency and babies. I felt uncomfortable talking to him because I sound like I'm not from here (to put it mildly) and I felt like with me using "big" words I would be condescending without meaning to be. I've been there before.

So anyways...after our first conversation, his phone gets turned off for about a week. He'd mentioned going on a date this weekend and his birthday is tomorrow (the 9th) but with his phone being off...I kind of played it to the left.

Friday, Wynsters helped me move dressers that were in BFF's basement to my place. She's such a trooper! He called me from a private number. He asked me if I still wanted to see the play, that it was showing on Saturday at 8pm. I agreed to go. He the asked if he could see me that night. We could get something to eat locally. After cleaning and lugging those dressers and then faced with the daunting task of having to clean them more because they smell just like a basement and having to somehow squeeze 10 bags of clothes into 2 dressers and a closet, I declined. I didn't feel like getting all cute for someone I wasn't THAT interested in seeing.

I also kind of had a moral dilemma where I wasn't sure if I should've accepted his invitation when I knew in my heart of hearts that if I don't feel comfortable even talking to him, it probably wasn't going anywhere. Wynsters told me I was being silly but why waste his money (which clearly, he doesn't have a lot of) and why waste my time?

Anyways, Saturday rolls around and I leave dance rehearsal at church and I run into that guy who thought I was 19 on the bus. We start talking. We both didn't have anything else to do so he rolled with me to my house where I picked up Rocky and we walked and talked. He likes to talk...a lot.Some things I pulled from him:

1. He told me that he's in the process of dating anyone he feels attracted to - to go out and have a conversation. Most of his dating pool is in our church. He tries not to get sexual with them but if it happens, it happens.
Red Flag. My church is my sanctuary. I go there as a refuge from the crazy that goes on in the world. I will not treat it like its a dating site. Secondly, he's already told me he's dating multiple women in the church. I will not be a member of someone's harem and I don't want to feel like I'm competing with these other girls in my church no less! He's a nice guy...but he's not worth the anxiety of whether or not, I'll be chosen.

2. He mentioned money and sex a lot. He said that he could afford to take a trip anywhere he wants or buy a car or do whatever he wants with his money.
I feel like men tell you want they're about without telling you in plain English. It took me a long time to realize that he's not going to say, "I want to have sex with you without committment or even remembering your favorite color/birthday/last name" but he will say something like, "I'm a man and I'm attracted to you. I know we should wait til marriage but if you want to take advantage of me, I wouldn't mind. Hahaha." Its like the men in the church are often times like the men in the street, except they dress better, your guard is down in church and they are a but more charming. Also, I really hate discussing financial sitations with people I'm not comfortable with..let's save that for date 2. Men flaunt their money and then get upset when girls try to use them for it...smh

3. He told me he loves another girl who is not ready for a relationship. He told me about his ex-wife whom he married at 18 and that's why he's only casually dating.
He basically told me he's playing around. I'm not into dating for the hell of it. Not right now. I don't see the point of dating someone like guy A in this post if I know it will go nowhere nor do I see myself dating this guy when I know I could genuinely like him and catch feelings and I know he's just having fun. I would casually date men who I know are in the place where they want a relationship...they want more than to just have a companion. Editor once told me that she used to date men she had no intention of being with seriously because she was broke and needed a free meal. That's just not me. Not knocking her..its just not what I'm about.Plus he told me he LOVES ANOTHER GIRL. Really? So, why are you with me? So you won't be home waiting by the phone til she's ready? And then what happens if we start dating and she comes around? I get dropped for someone who was there before me? Oh no sir!

Anywhosies...I had enough of the outdoors, of the pup, of him and I picked up some caramel cone ice cream and checked my phone. It was after 6 and the first dude hadn't called yet to confirm the play. I already made up in my mind I wasn't going. At 8:20, I get a call from a number I don't recognize. The person didn't leave a message. It was probably him but I just couldn't find it in my heart to care. Its like...I already know how the game is played.

If you're going to see someone on Saturday, why ask them out on Friday? Soo, if you don't feel like paying for tickets to a play on Saturday night, you can say - but we saw each other last night. If you were serious about cultivating a relationship with someone, you water it with communication. So, you find a way to call them. Ask me for my email address, email me. Something!

Neither dude is serious.

I was talking to a friend about my motives for dating. I'm 25. I would like to be married and pop out a baby within the next 6-8 years. Before that happens, I'd like a year of courting, 2 years of engagement and at least a year of marriage before the baby comes. Notice...I said would like...I know it doesn't happen like that all the time but it would be nice. So, that means I want to be with someone for 4 years before the ring and baby comes. While you never really know someone, that's a pretty good chunk of time for you to get the gist of who they are as a person. Anyways...if I know what I want, why would I date stupid boys for fun? I don't want fun, I want a future. Let's have fun preparing for the future...not have fun preparing for me to be a conquest for you.

Le sigh.

My married friends tell me don't rush to get serious..don't be so serious. I'm not rushing to get serious with anyone. I think I'm biding my time thinking things through...but I tell you this...I'd rather stick it out with the one I know is for me than kissing frogs hoping I find my prince and only ending up with warts.