A few weeks ago, I met a guy while walking Rocky. He was cute and it was nice the kind of shy way he stepped to me. We talked on the phone once after missing each other and the conversation was..forced. He's 29. Never attempted any college...just went into being a security guard...which he has been for something like 12 years. Now, before you call me bourgie..which if you do, you'd be like the 100th person this weekend to do so...my dad was a blue collar worker and I have no problem with them. I like men that can wire stuff, sheet rock, and plunge a toilet but its like whatever you do..be excellent at it. You don't have to go to college but read the newspaper...read books...be able to converse intelligently. He's soooo about the neighborhood. I am soooo not about the neighborhood. If I were, honestly, I would've been knocked up a long time ago...because that's what the neighborhood breeds - complacency and babies. I felt uncomfortable talking to him because I sound like I'm not from here (to put it mildly) and I felt like with me using "big" words I would be condescending without meaning to be. I've been there before.
So anyways...after our first conversation, his phone gets turned off for about a week. He'd mentioned going on a date this weekend and his birthday is tomorrow (the 9th) but with his phone being off...I kind of played it to the left.
Friday, Wynsters helped me move dressers that were in BFF's basement to my place. She's such a trooper! He called me from a private number. He asked me if I still wanted to see the play, that it was showing on Saturday at 8pm. I agreed to go. He the asked if he could see me that night. We could get something to eat locally. After cleaning and lugging those dressers and then faced with the daunting task of having to clean them more because they smell just like a basement and having to somehow squeeze 10 bags of clothes into 2 dressers and a closet, I declined. I didn't feel like getting all cute for someone I wasn't THAT interested in seeing.
I also kind of had a moral dilemma where I wasn't sure if I should've accepted his invitation when I knew in my heart of hearts that if I don't feel comfortable even talking to him, it probably wasn't going anywhere. Wynsters told me I was being silly but why waste his money (which clearly, he doesn't have a lot of) and why waste my time?
Anyways, Saturday rolls around and I leave dance rehearsal at church and I run into that guy who thought I was 19 on the bus. We start talking. We both didn't have anything else to do so he rolled with me to my house where I picked up Rocky and we walked and talked. He likes to talk...a lot.Some things I pulled from him:
1. He told me that he's in the process of dating anyone he feels attracted to - to go out and have a conversation. Most of his dating pool is in our church. He tries not to get sexual with them but if it happens, it happens.
Red Flag. My church is my sanctuary. I go there as a refuge from the crazy that goes on in the world. I will not treat it like its a dating site. Secondly, he's already told me he's dating multiple women in the church. I will not be a member of someone's harem and I don't want to feel like I'm competing with these other girls in my church no less! He's a nice guy...but he's not worth the anxiety of whether or not, I'll be chosen.
2. He mentioned money and sex a lot. He said that he could afford to take a trip anywhere he wants or buy a car or do whatever he wants with his money.
I feel like men tell you want they're about without telling you in plain English. It took me a long time to realize that he's not going to say, "I want to have sex with you without committment or even remembering your favorite color/birthday/last name" but he will say something like, "I'm a man and I'm attracted to you. I know we should wait til marriage but if you want to take advantage of me, I wouldn't mind. Hahaha." Its like the men in the church are often times like the men in the street, except they dress better, your guard is down in church and they are a but more charming. Also, I really hate discussing financial sitations with people I'm not comfortable with..let's save that for date 2. Men flaunt their money and then get upset when girls try to use them for it...smh
3. He told me he loves another girl who is not ready for a relationship. He told me about his ex-wife whom he married at 18 and that's why he's only casually dating.
He basically told me he's playing around. I'm not into dating for the hell of it. Not right now. I don't see the point of dating someone like guy A in this post if I know it will go nowhere nor do I see myself dating this guy when I know I could genuinely like him and catch feelings and I know he's just having fun. I would casually date men who I know are in the place where they want a relationship...they want more than to just have a companion. Editor once told me that she used to date men she had no intention of being with seriously because she was broke and needed a free meal. That's just not me. Not knocking her..its just not what I'm about.Plus he told me he LOVES ANOTHER GIRL. Really? So, why are you with me? So you won't be home waiting by the phone til she's ready? And then what happens if we start dating and she comes around? I get dropped for someone who was there before me? Oh no sir!
Anywhosies...I had enough of the outdoors, of the pup, of him and I picked up some caramel cone ice cream and checked my phone. It was after 6 and the first dude hadn't called yet to confirm the play. I already made up in my mind I wasn't going. At 8:20, I get a call from a number I don't recognize. The person didn't leave a message. It was probably him but I just couldn't find it in my heart to care. Its like...I already know how the game is played.
If you're going to see someone on Saturday, why ask them out on Friday? Soo, if you don't feel like paying for tickets to a play on Saturday night, you can say - but we saw each other last night. If you were serious about cultivating a relationship with someone, you water it with communication. So, you find a way to call them. Ask me for my email address, email me. Something!
Neither dude is serious.
I was talking to a friend about my motives for dating. I'm 25. I would like to be married and pop out a baby within the next 6-8 years. Before that happens, I'd like a year of courting, 2 years of engagement and at least a year of marriage before the baby comes. Notice...I said would like...I know it doesn't happen like that all the time but it would be nice. So, that means I want to be with someone for 4 years before the ring and baby comes. While you never really know someone, that's a pretty good chunk of time for you to get the gist of who they are as a person. Anyways...if I know what I want, why would I date stupid boys for fun? I don't want fun, I want a future. Let's have fun preparing for the future...not have fun preparing for me to be a conquest for you.
My married friends tell me don't rush to get serious..don't be so serious. I'm not rushing to get serious with anyone. I think I'm biding my time thinking things through...but I tell you this...I'd rather stick it out with the one I know is for me than kissing frogs hoping I find my prince and only ending up with warts.