Tuesday, May 3, 2011


when i spend time away from this space and come back, i feel as if i am a lover that has failed to call the morning after.

my abashed apology.

punjabi's mom called bff and told her flat out she's not good enough because she's black and adopted and would never be accepted into their family. she wants no part of the child and even told her that she could get a surgical abortion up until 7 months.

**record scratch**

7 months?!! that's like killing an actual INFANT.

punjabi and his family are guyanese indian. punjabi is on the sepia side of brown and it just saddens me that (number 1) no matter what, black people are always the lowest in any society. no matter where you go, if you're black, people shit on you.

and number 2, we still buy into the bullshit.
beige, taupe, yellow, brown, blue-black...where ever you fall, we're all struggling the same. smdh
i keep running into people randomly.
it must be spring time in the city.
mom got ordained on sunday...it was a really beautiful service yet i can't get with her church. they started at 10am. we left at 3:30. the service ended at 3. my church...service starts at 11. we end at 12:30. the latest we'll end is at 1pm. we get a good word, a good worship service. their praise and worship takes at least an hour to an hour and 45 minutes. no no no no no no no no!

i got to see a lot of people from the past that never would've thought i would grow into the woman i am. wearing high high heels and makeup. i wasn't a tomboy just less conventional and even less worried about my appearance.

it just rubs me the wrong way..like people thought i was homely before. i have the exact same face just now with a little blush on it.
speaking of blush, i had an interview with MAC today. the mac pro store is beeeeaaautiful! the manager interviewing me was very lovely and NICE. i love mac but they are not known for their customer service skills..no - really. i don't think i did the greatest job on my model but its in God's hands.i won't know if i got it for 3 weeks.

speaking of God's hands, the sermon on sunday (at my church) was about marriage. my pastor and his wife tag-teamed the sermon. first lady said something that intrigued me. "many of you want to be married but not many of you want to be wives."

that statement kind of hit me like a bag of bricks. i'm asking myself if i want 1 without the other. i think i'd be a great wife...lord knows, i was acting married in my relationships before.

friday night found me at church for young adult's ministry. it was set to look like club. a room upstairs in our church had dim lighting, candles everywhere with clusters of chairs sitting around small tables with white tablecloths and ice buckets with sparkling cider in them. a dj was there and he was spinning some tunes that i was dancing to...honestly, i'd dance to anything with a beat. at the end of the night, the topic was "is it wrong for christians to go to the club?" the room was polarized into some people saying no because sometimes, you just want to dance..if you're discerning about who you go with/drinking/your club attire, it should be fine. the other part of the room was like yes, its wrong because you're christian and the standard that God sets for us is higher. the next question was "is it wrong for christians to go to the strip club?" there's always 1 who is so secure in her spirituality, it comes off kind of smug more than anything else...she said..."the same thing that's wrong with the strip club is the same thing that's wrong with porn. God meant for sex to be between a man and his wife. the world likes to imitate the things that God meant to have a certain way by having us watch what is supposed to be pure and sacred."

this had me conflicted when i bought my first sex toy the next day and when i watch porn and played with myself.

during the first celibacy (that lasted 19 months) i didn't watch porn or have a sex toy but now, i feel like i need something to ease the frustration from my situation.

i might give it all a rest.

and then i thought about marrriage. i want to let my freak flag fly high and proud. i want to do whatever for my husband but hoping he's christian and in church..what if he doesn't want me to be his whore? what if he wants vanilla sex? hmmmmmm

there's a guy interested in me at church. he eased up on me in the past couple months because he thought i was 19. he said i look really young and i don't really try and be serious like an adult but i'm not a child..he just took a stab and thought 19. (funny) when he found out i am 25...he was like "Ohhhhhh" and then blam! he started flirting. lol

anyways...i know how this works...he's going to have casual conversation until one of us gets turned off by the other. then, he'll ask for my number. then we'll talk some more. then, maybe a date. its kind of cool seeing how this will unfold...if it unfolds.

i usually pump the brakes with church men.
firstly, they're all usually married or in deep serious relationships.
secondly, if it doesn't work out...you still have to see each other in church. i'm so fickle when it comes to men. i dismiss them readily. i don't want to feel uncomfy in church.

anyways..he could just be nice. i could be making up the glimmer. i could WANT to see the glimmer. he's not that cute. he's short. he's not even my type but there's something different about him. i'm trying to let go and let God with a lot of things but the one part of my life i feel anxiety toward is my love life or lake thereof.

speaking of letting go...this guy was beautiful. he walkedd up to me as i was exiting the grocery store yesterday. his skin was the dark chocolate...rich, smooth and shiny. his teeth were nice and white. he was clean-shaven and bald. a little slimmer than i like and he said all soft-spoken, "hi, i'd like to take you on a date. maybe see a movie or dinner." and i said no. everything in me was like...wtf is wrong nina...but i said no.

that womanly intuition...the same one that told me not to give the nigerian my number..not to go on a date with him...not to sleep with him...yea, that intuition said to tell that gorgeous man no.

i'm trying to reconcile that with the fact that i'm not in a ditch right now but i have my little butterfly kiss (toy) in the drawer next to my bed. lol
mom is certain we'll sell the house by the end of the year. she's trying to get me to move with her to charlotte, nc.

i am NOT a southern girl by any stretch of the imagination. people speak too slowly. you need a car to get everywhere. but there's space and grass. you can see the stars at night. men will dog you out (like they do everywhere) but at least they're a bit kinder when they dog you out. lol

so...mom suggested atlanta. i'm not so sure about atlanta as it is a gay mecca. ya'll know i love my gays but i would feel like how i feel in d.c. - paranoid about the down low brothas...no siree bob.

i do know how i want to decorate my next place. i hate my apartment. it doesn't feel like home. nothing says me here. i do want a pink couch. a vibrant pink. lots and lots of black and white. with chrome accents. its weird being uncertain where i'm going to end up...but i guess all last year was just as uncertain with no job.

maybe being a bit further down south would help me not be on edge all the darn time. less anxiety. less nail-biting fury and competetiveness.

any suggestions??? low cost of living, hot sexy black men and good schools.

1 comment:

Monique said...

Sounds like you already made up your mind...you're an NYC girl. :)

Listen to that voice. It won't steer you wrong.