Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Today is the Day!

I pick myself up and live again.
I've allowed myself 17 days of sickness, depression, fear and every destructive emotion there is. Today is when it ends. I can't wallow in whatever it is I'm wallowing in and destroy this life I built.

Today, I reclaim who I am.

Monday, September 27, 2010

fight or flight

i woke up at 7am feeling really great. i wasn't coughing. i sent out a few emails, tweeted, read a couple of blogs. around 10am, i started coughing. fine. doctor's orders...go to the ER. i procrastinated....got to the hospital at 12. at 4:45, i walked out of there...chest xray clear with the doctor's explanation that it could be a virus or the common cold or allergies. she prescribed me cough syrup with codeine. i was pissed. i spent the day in the ER with loud people, crying babies and stinky people to be told...oh...we're not sure what's wrong with you...oh and she said...a virus or a cold could last up to 4-5 weeks...


and so i go to my mom's house because i need cable and my favorite purple comforter. she comes home. she asks me what happened..i tell her 1/2 of what the doctor said before she walks away mid-sentence.

later, she's like...your brother wants us to come down for thanksgiving. i say fine. she says...i guess i'll scrape the money to get the car fixed to drive down. the next sentence is...his insurance company offered him a settlement of $10,000 (from his recent car accident) and i told him not to take it...he needs to hold out for more money.

that explains the sudden interest in my brother.

an hour later, my stomach is imploding...i ask her if she has anything to eat. she doesn't. i ask if she wants chinese..."do you have money?" yes. "are you paying for everybody?" i look around and its just me and her. i say..."if you mean, the two of us...sure."

as we drive 2 blocks over to the chinese place, i say..."your air freshener is killing me." i say this coughing between every word. she says, "well its my air freshener for my house and it sprays every 30 minutes so if you don't like it..." she catches herself. i'm pissed. i try and leave the car while its still moving. i ask what she wants...i get the food. get back to her place, grab my shit as fast as possible and leave.

i was going to leave without saying anything. she catches me as i reach the door. "you leaving?" "yup" i don't look back.

i really think about it. my brother does NOTHING. in the past 11 years since my dad has been gone, he's not given us a dime to help us out, he has sent no birthday/christmas cards or gifts. yet and still...last week when he got into the accident, she says...maybe i'll try and get down there to nurse him back to health.

i live literally upstairs...i've been sick for 2 weeks...i haven't gotten a hug, a cup of tea or a bowl of soup.

i understand.

this is why i harden myself. i've let this sickness make me soft. so, i will harden myself again. the only thing going through my head was..get the fuck out. i am going to pull myself up by my chin..nurse myself back to better health than i was in before, get a job, save money and get the fuck out of here. as soon as i can, i'm going to just buy a ticket some place and work it out.

i can't do this. i can't live like this.

i'm going to forge a life somewhere else and create my own family. i'm sick of always feeling like the people who should be closest to me don't give a shit about me.

i guess at the end of the day, it doesn't really matter.

Sunday, September 26, 2010


Since I haven't found a therapist that I can afford yet...this blog will just have to do.

Thinking about why I'm so guarded. I watched a radio interview with Ryan Seacrest and 9 year old Willow Smith. Ryan asked her how she stays so poised under all the pressure and she said.."My mom told me to always say how I'm feeling."

That was so new to me. Growing up, my parents ruled with such an iron fist that feelings were non-existent. As I got older, I tried to voice how I felt but was always overruled without a second thought. My mom and her feelings took up a lot of space in the house. Everyone just wanted to make her happy.

My dad got sick when I was 9. That was the end of my childhood. My brother took off shortly after and it was just me...during summer vacations when other kids played, I took care of my dad...making him lunch, making sure his insulin was fine, making sure he had his pills...he called me his little nurse. No one asked me how I felt about anything. My mom has always burdened me with things kids shouldn't know...what bill is due, what bill is past due, money problems...I took those problems on myself.

I acted out. When I was 12, I stole maybe $1000 from my dad's bank account. I used the money to go to the mall and buy stuff from Claire's to make my room cool. My dad cried when he found out. My mom yelled. They wanted to know why. I didn't know why. I guess I just wanted them to notice me.
I skipped a grade and went into high school at 13. Each incoming freshman had to take summer school so that they could become familiar with their surroundings. I became familiar with a guy who was going to be a senior. 2 weeks after knowing him, I lost my virginity. He didn't know I was a virgin. I didn't care. I just knew that my parents kept telling me to stay a virgin and I don't know...I just didn't want to. Afterwards, his brother tried to get me to give him a blow job. The stupid boy and his cousin called my house asking me if it was true I just gave up my virginity like that and if I wanted to have sex again. Before I could answer, my dad took the phone from me and asked why boys were calling his 13 year old daughter and to leave me alone. Both parents lectured me about boys...meaning they weren't allowed- period. My brother voluntarily went into a group home to escape them. I understood why.

I found out my dad died from church people calling the house to give their condolences while I was doing homework. My mom's cousin called and I corrected her and she was like no, I thought he died today. I called my mom who told me my grandma had something to tell me. I called my grandmother who told me to go to her house. She had known but hadn't found the right way to tell me. By the time I got home, my mom and her coworker were at home. She admonished me for running home. I needed to get out of my grandmother's house. She hugged me and then I went riding around Brooklyn with her coworker to get us some food and pick up her kids.

I didn't really have friends. I was a month into my freshman year in high school. I didn't cry. No one asked me how I felt. No one really called and talked to me unless they were kids of my mom's friends.

The day of my dad's funeral, I was made to wear an ugly skirt suit. My mom wore a silver and black skirt suit with a big silver hat. The ceremony was in our church although dad never set foot in a church the entire time I was alive. Mom praised God. She was such a spectacle. I was made to say words although I begged not to say anything. I bombed, freezing when I saw my dad in the casket.

Things were estranged when we all came home. Mom kicked out my sister from Bermuda out of "her" house...the house my dad built from the ground up with his bare hands because she had a beer. My sisters left me without a real goodbye. They were hurt.

Everyone was a stranger to me. Mom cried. I consoled her. I didn't cry. I was tough. She noticed that I hadn't shown any emotion and praised me, made jokes about it, made comments...never got me counseling. My siblings scattered. No one really called. I focused on school and soccer. I was in the honors program, made good grades, stayed out of trouble and no one questioned anything.

I imploded within myself...I was in pain. My dad, my only real friend died. I was in a new environment. I wasn't cool or cute or stylish. I vowed to myself...I wouldn't make it past 17. Those were the first times I taught myself not to feel emotion. After a while, it just became part of who I am and its something I struggle with now.
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More Thoughts

I worry about what will happen to my blog if you know...I kick the bucket.

I worry about the people I will leave behind.

I worry if I've shown everyone enough love.

I worry about what will be left behind of my life.

I worry about being alone.

I worry about them reading the blog and seeing my unadulterated thoughts about them. Sometimes I can be harsh. Even harsh, I love everyone I've written about fiercely. I wish they all would do better.

I wish I could sometimes curl in bed with my mom and have her hold me. I wish I didn't have to do most things alone. I wish my back wasn't so strong.

I wish my sisters were around when I was growing up. I was such a lonely kid. I didn't have any real friends til high school. My friendship with junior high best friend was based on...nothing in the end.

I miss my dad every day. I imagine him strong and protective. I miss the sound of his voice. I no longer remember what it sounds like.

I have to rebuild myself. I can. I will.
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I took the medication about an hour ago and now its beginning to work...meaning, I'm light-headed, my stomach is beginning to shred, my throat is on fire from coughing so much....and I'm feeling reflective.

(This may be a long one)

Being sick for so long has taught me the meaning of friendship. Some people are incapable of certain types of friendship. BFF is a nurturer. She will make me tea, she will force-feed me...she will make me go to the doctor. J is not a nurturer. He's incapable of dealing with major issues. He shuts down. I was coughing so bad, I couldn't talk the other day over the phone because he insists on calling me although I told him my cough is aggravated by talking. What does he do? He mocks my cough. Twin is in-between. He feels helpless but he'll pay for stuff for me. Ask if I'm okay. I feel his love. My mom is not my friend. She should be but she never has been and I shouldn't expect it although she expects it of me. I've been to every doctor visit she's told me about. I've brought her stuff when she's sick. I'm there. I'm just playing my part.

I want my man to be my friend.

TN called me twice today. I'm not impressed with his "effort" nor did I really want him to come in with guns blazing trying to woo me back.

Last night, I youtubed Jill Scott singing "Slowly Surely" live and oh my gosh....if you've never heard the song...youtube the studio version and then the live. In this concert, at the end of the song she points to her head and sings Listen. She points to her heart and sings Listen. She points to her vagina and sings Listen. It was the most poignant thing for me.

If I'd have listened to either of those 3 things, I would have left TN alone after the 3rd date. I was clouded. By what? I'll get back to you.

All day I've been saying to myself, "He's not even remotely the man you want or need. He doesn't want to be but he doesn't want to lose you. Not because he cares but because he wants you in his harem. He's not worth that. You're worth more. Be better than this situation."

Enough about that.
I knew I'd lost some weight when the jeans I bought 2 weeks ago and had to squeeze into went on without a hitch. I met up with Twin and the 1st thing he said was..."Omg, you lost so much weight. Is it safe to hug you?"
He and I went book-shopping at Barnes and Noble in Union Square. I researched books I wanted to read thinking the Af-American fiction would be separate. It wasn't and I couldn't find the books I wanted. So, I aimlessly searched for a book and ended up with this Haruki Murakami. I'm a little annoyed because the description on the back of the book praised the writer more than telling the reader what the eff its about. I remember his debut novel had great reviews and they take place in Japan so I figured, why not? If its bad, I'm going to rip it to shreds in my review. Afterward, Twin and I got food at McDonald's and then walked 4 blocks to a dvd spot, perused the aisles and I felt like my muscles were waking up. We walked (very slowly) 3 long blocks to the train and by then the McD's needed to come out. Took the train to downtown BK. Waited for the bus and took my medicine just as the bus came. Its a 45 minute ride home. 15 minutes in, I started coughing so bad, the person sitting in front of me changed seats. By the time I got off the bus, I kept telling myself...just get home, Nina...just get home. I don't know if I felt weak...I just felt like I'd pushed it. I felt fine - just a little tired - until I took the damn antibiotic! Waiting for tomorrow. The moment I start coughing, I'm going to the ER. I've kind of accepted that's what's going to happen. I would be very surprised if I woke up all better but y'know my sisters are praying for me...their church is praying for me...you never know.
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...and then it hit me

i re-read the last post, specifically my feelings for tn and i really really sound pathetic. why pine for some who date-raped you? something has got to be missing inside of me. i need to figure out what that is and fill that void asap.

monday, he sent me that fb message:
I apologize for the way things are going between us, it is not that it is my wish

I responded with:
You apologize for the way things went but not how you treated me.

He never said anything back. He called me 2 days later....today, I made up my mind...this situation I'm in is kind of serious. Every aspect of my life has kind of shut down. I'm really going to have to rebuild everything...my body, my spirit, my self-esteem, my business...everything. I wrote him just a few minutes ago:

You are a very funny person, as you like to say.I could've handled the truth if you'd told me that all you wanted from me was sex. I would have respected you. You won't apologize for the way you treated me because you probably don't think you're wrong. I should have listened to you when you said so many times...you don't like anyone, you don't miss anyone. You have no idea what you see in me.The truth is...you are a coward. You said whatever you said and then cleaned it up. You are too frightened to say what you mean and mean what you say, plain and simple. You are too scared to open up even just enough so that I could see there was a persn in there. I learned my lesson. I'm letting you go.

I lingered over the "Remove from Friends" button for a few minutes and let my eyes well up and then I sucked it up and clicked it and his business partner too. I need to let go. I need to claw my way back to happy.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

fight fight fight!

it has been 15 days and i'm still sick.
the doctors don't have a clue what's wrong with me....my blood tests came back normal on my kidneys, sugar and blood count...THANK GOD!
the azithromycin they gave me makes me light-headed...
my apartment looks like a crack den but every attempt at cleaning makes me dizzy.
i'm getting scared now.

the thought, "they'll find out what's wrong with you in autopsy" popped in my head and it keeps going on and on like a looped record.

friday, the doctor told me that if i'm still coughing on Monday, to go to the ER and ask them to take a chest xray for me. part of me wants to go to the ER now.

the worst part of this is being alone all the time. mom is in dc burying a cousin. the only other person's house i can sleep at is bff's. sometimes, its overwhelming to be there and i don't want to be a burden on anyone.

i've been trying to look forward to something...in 5 months, i'll be 25 (God-willing) and I'm thinking about spending the weekend at my favorite hotel, The Gansevoort, heels, hair, the works...

right now, i'm having slight chest pain that feels like its going straight to my back. i'm thinking about how do i get to the hospital just in case bff can't take me. when she's asleep, she's asleep. i'm thinking about how tacky my dad's funeral was and how i don't want my funeral to be like that at all. all in all, i try and drive these thoughts away as much as i can and i think about makeup, how i would write some book reviews i need to do...

and of course, thoughts go to the nigerian....wondering if he would've been nice to me...probably not. those thoughts are nice..sleeping in his bed while he brings me tea and holds me at night...knowing that situation, he probably wouldn't let me alone and would just force my sick self to have sex with him....

the truth is...i'm so lonely.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Doctor Doctor

Went to the doctor today and something magical happened!!

They listened to me...everybody...from the triage nurse to the doctor.

I decided to go to Kings County medical clinic. Kings County Hospital is like THE biggest hospital in Brooklyn. Its also the place where my mom died but I figured...I had no real other choice. So, I get there at 8:30 (clinic opens at 8) and I'm number 51 on the walk-in list. I get called in. Do you have insurance? No. Go see a financial advisor who asked me 2 questions: 1. Are you employed? No 2. Do you have insurance? No. Ok, any visit to any of their clinics: gyn, dental, medical is $15 until 9/22/2011. Sa-weeeeeeeet!!

Anyways...I wait for 2 hours before the triage nurse calls me in and she wants to know everything. So, I tell her. She looks at me like a person (*gasp*) and she tests me for diabetes. I don't have it. (Thank God)

I wait another 2 hours before this rickety old doctor takes me to some back room and he wants to hear the story too and so I tell him. He thinks I may have had or am getting rid of a virus - explains the muscle weakness and lack of eating and this weird talk-activated cough. I tell him about the kidney disease in my family. He's less hasty to give me UTI meds. Instead, he tells me to give some blood for them to run tests on. I have to come back on Friday for the results.

Also, he gave some heavy duty antibiotics for the cough. $25 for 6 pills!!! They're worth it, I guess. I tried to eat as much as I could but my stomach is still messed up and my head feels wobbly when I stand. I still have the cough and now a sneeze. I had to take 2 pills today and 1 each day so we'll see...maybe it gets worse before better.

That was the best experience at a doctor minus the wait. I feel closer to figuring out what the hell is going on with me.

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Tuesday, September 21, 2010


i've told my friends that i'm fighting the urge to slip into a depression but i'm already here in it.
they don't understand what it means to be depressed. they think it means you're sad and most sadness just passes by naturally right??
I have to psych myself up for every single task. like, ok...nina, you need to get up and shower. ok, we're getting up in 5 minutes. ok, let's break down what goes into this shower...get up, get a clean pair of undies, get your towel, walk to the bathroom, turn on the water....ok, lets get up at the count of 10. 1-2-3-4... literally, this is the mental process it takes to get anything accomplished. if i'm not crying, staring off into space or sleeping...i'm forcing myself to eat, not really liking that sick to my stomach feeling i get from not eating all day...i know that feeling too well or i'm forcing myself to send out job applications. most days, if i step outside my house, i'm lucky. i try and make appointments with friends or solid plans because it will force me to get up and go somewhere. all my friends know i'm methodically on time and i always look a certain way...cute outfit and makeup and so if i show up late looking like a bum, they'll be alarmed. its just that doing so takes so much effort in my state and it takes me 2 hours to get ready instead of 30-45 minutes.

the person who is probably feeling the brunt of my depression is my grandmother. i haven't seen her since thursday and she needs me to do some stuff for her which i haven't done because i just don't have the energy. when i miss a bunch of days, she gets worried and there's no one else to help me take on the responsibility...so, i just have to puuuuuuuuuuuush.
in the meantime, no one knows the whole picture of what's going on....either way i really doubt my friends know how to try and pull me up or that i could trust them enough to allow them to anyway. with most things, i have to help myself. i guess i'm just fighting one battle at a time.

I found this on postsecret this weekend and it spoke to me so loudly....i've pulled back from my friends because i'm always the bubbly big sister (although every one of them is older than me) and I listen for hours....they know something is wrong with me but they're like...just get better already....so, instead of having to explain why i'm not getting better or trying to make new ish up on why ive been in the bed for 2 weeks, i just pull back. easier on everyone involved.

Monday, September 20, 2010

walking out + moving on + being stuck

i went to the doctor today...woke up at 6:30. asked mom for the money for the appointment (a feat fighting myself to actually do that) and then got to the clinic at 8:20. It opens at 8am. I was 13th in line as a walk-in patient since their next appointment is not available until november. anywhosies...10am, i get my blood pressure and temp taken. my bp is 123/58...that seems odd to me. about 15 minutes later, another nurse calls me into her room to ask me what my symptoms are...i try to explain it to her and she cuts me off and is like...what's the main thing bothering you? i tell her the funky urine thing. she looks at my file and is like...you have a history of urine problems...EXCUSE ME?? When you were here in March, you had 6 things wrong with your urine and the doctor gave you some heavy antibiotics. I said...no, that's not true. I came in with stomach pains. He examined me, gave me some pills and didn't explain what the problem was...She says...well that was the problem. You young people only want to drink juice all the time and yadda yadda lecture.

It was at that point that I figured she wasn't going to listen to me and that she was probably going to tell the doctor whatever so they can move on to the next person. Then she goes...Do you have insurance? I say no.. Well, you have to pay for these services. They are not free. I *blank stare* at her for a moment in disbelief that she's talking to me like that. Then she goes, "Do you have money?" My mouth dropped...Yes. Well, go downstairs and pay and then bring your receipt. I felt that I was on an assembly line and all that they care about is clearing me off the schedule and getting my little fear so I'm not freeloading on services.

So...I walked out and didn't come back. I probably won't. That's bullshit.

Then....I come home and get a message on FB from The Nigerian:
"I apologize for the way things are going between us, it is not that it is my wish."

Firstly, he doesn't understand that things are not "going" any way between us....I'm gone. I'm flip-flopping between responding and not...leaning towards not...

I really need to find a job. I need to grind out as much as I can. I need money and benefits.
there's some other stuff going on...will post tomorrow.

Friday, September 17, 2010


I'm so angry about so many things right now. I'm getting angry that I'm still miserable. Its been a week and I'm still in the same spot more or less.

I'm angry that I'm broke.

I'm angry that people have to be so much more than they are to feel like somebody. I've gone to 2 fashion shows this week...one with a friend for support and 1 because I signed a contract to do the makeup. On both occasions, there were at least 2 people doing too much to the point, if I had the inclination, I would've found a way to commit serious bodily harm unto them...just to make them stop.

I was forced to put blue lips on 2 girls. Why? Because the stylist thought it was hot and edgy but they looked stupid and I have to stand by that.

I'm angry with The Nigerian.

I am angry with myself that I knew the warning signs and it took date rape and horrible mistreatment to get me to leave.

I'm angry with my mom for not caring enough about me. I'm not even surprised when she's not there for me when I need her.

I'm angry with Afroman for breaking my heart. I looked him up on FB and his kid looks just like him, even in his little baby face. Him and his happy family that don't include me.

I just want a better version of my life where y'know, my body is revolting against itself...I have a job and am not fighting for every dollar I make and possibly a boyfriend who is just a regular dude but solid. Simple shit.
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Thursday, September 16, 2010

...And the beat goes on...

I'm sorry if I'm turning some of you off the blog. Things will be back to normal soon. Fingers crossed and such. Part of me needs to chronicle my symptoms...just in case I need to remember or if y'know...I really don't make it.

I got my period today. There's no burning during urination but my body temperature is really hot. My hands and feet are on fire. Small ache in the pit of my stomach. Still can't walk fast or far. I went to the city today to get some sample foundations for the fashion show tomorrow. I got denied from the important places and Sephora was being cheap with the samples so, I just said eff it.

I still have no appetite and everything I do eat comes out like bowel soup. Monday. Doctor for sure.

Every time someone mentions God, I want to cry. Its the strangest thing.

Oh yea...we had a tornado today in Brooklyn.

On my side, it was more like heavy rain, wind, thunder and lightning...I slept through half of it...oops! Lol

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Wednesday, September 15, 2010

and it continues...

the aches are pretty much gone except for 1 stubborn one just under my ribcage. it was gas....yay!!

but now, there is blood in my urine and it burns when i pee.

why lawd, whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy???

its probably a uti or a yeast infection. as long as its not an std....i'm cool.

also, i haven't been eating really. i ate chipotle, 2 small tacos and almost finished it all. that was the only thing i had to eat all day. today, i bought a sandwich. 2 bites and i was done. i don't know what to do on that front.

also my body is still sore from all the activity that's apart of my daily life. when i get done doing what i have to do, i'm exhausted and it's only like 12pm. my life is busy....i need my stamina.

but, jeez...if its not one thing its another.
i just want to ball up in a lil corner and cry.

i'm also done with carter. he basically has not initiated contact with me since our date. even in my lil sad state, i texted him on saturday because his grandma died and they had her funeral on that day. thoughtful, right? right. has he texted, tweeted, facebook'd or anything me to check up on me? no. he just wants to fuck. i'm done being that girl. besides, right now, clearly...i'm off sex.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010


I love that Ms. Evans pops up to say the right things when they need to be said. Thank you. Also, Monique, thanks for sharing....

I've been drinking crazy amounts of water all day and my pee is now clear. Yay!
You guys just have to understand,,,my dad and uncle died from kidney failure. My sister lives with the disease...my other sister is constantly watched for signs of it. It sometimes feels like an inevitability. Like the Grimm Reaper sliding his sickle at your door.

And...I have extra worry because...I'm single. The last few posts show that only BFF is really reliable (and Twin if I called him.) I don't have health insurance. There are many odds stacked against me...so...I just want to catch anything early so that I have time to nip it in the bud. I just have that image in my head of being in a hospital bed on a gray day...all alone.

On a lighter note, I've been watching a lot of episodes of House and there was this episode called Black Hole, Season 6. Ep 15. where all the girl's body systems were failing one after the other and she kept hallucinating. They found that she had an Egyptian parasite that came from sperm from her boyfriend's father. She slept with him when her and her bf split up. I said TN gave me a Nigerian parasite and that's why my sides keep hurting...lmao

motherless child

I called my mom today to tell her what's been going on with me and how I'm feeling. We spent 2:27 on the phone before she rushed me off. The first half of the conversation was about something else. She asked me, "How are you?" and I told her. I don't think she was expecting that and so when I told her, she asked me some questions and then was like..."Ok, ok, keep me posted, ok bye."

What the fuck was so important that I couldn't get FIVE MINUTES of your time?

I started crying. I just felt so alone.
(If you don't know)
My biological mom died when I was 3. My dad re-married 3 months later. My dad died when i was 13. Yes, I notice all the 3's, trust me...23 was a scary year...lol. Basically, that's the only mother I know but our relationship has been strained ever since I hit puberty and decided that hey...maybe I could be my own person.

So...I text BFF
Me:Just told mom abt the aches and our conversation lasted 2:27. Like damn..she rushed me off the phone.
BFF: Damn, what's up with that?
Me: Idk...smh..*shrug* I'm a fuckin orphan. Plain and simple.
BFF: Don't say that shit.
Me: Its true. Its ok. I've felt this way since I hit puberty. Just first time you heard me say it. No worries
BFF: No its not. Do you really believe that?
Me: Why do you think I work so hard all the time? why do you think I never ask her for anything, ever? She didn't even know I was sick this weekend.
BFF: I mean I know y'all have a disconnect and sometimes she be tripping but do you really believe you mean nothing to her?
Me: Idk. Forget I mentioned it.
BFF: Sigh. Not something I can really forget.
Me: You just accept that some relationships are built on obligation more than love. Sometimes love is expressed diff by diff people people. Some people measure love by how reliable u are when they're in trouble. Some people only measure love by the things you give them.
BFF: Hmmm. I don't know what to say.
Me: Nothing to say. Time will tell I guess.
BFF: I guess.
Me: Some things are too broken to fix. Like, seriously, BFF when i was sick that last big time, she couldn't even walk up 1 flight of stairs to check on me. Who nursed me back to the land of the living? YOU. When you weren't here, I was ALONE. (**I was sick in 2007...in the bed for about 10/12 days with the flu. It was bad**)
BFF: I'm sorry, Ni. I just feel helpless. I really don't know what to say in her defense. Usually I'm in her ass when I feel she doesn't do right by you but I'm just kinda disgusted by what you're saying.
Me: No worries. I'm fine :) I just needed to vent. I keep certain things locked away bc I don't want people to look at her funny.
BFF: Its not you that's disgusting me, its that I'm harsh. You usually defend her but now you smashing her and kinda taken away any defense she could possibly have.
Me: It doesn't matter anymore. I'm tired. I don't want to talk about it anymore
BFF: Its not about her. Its about you. I'm gonna be mean or nasty to her. And what she does doesn't affect me. It affects you and you are my business. We'll talk whenever you want to homie. Get some rest and drink some water.

Posts from when I was sick in 2007.
The Beginning
A Week Later
The End

might don't make it

*graphic post*

I went to the bathroom today and my urine smelled funky. It smelled like my dad's urine did when we did his at home dialysis. I jumped up and my urine is burnt orange.


I'm trying to calm down. For the past 4 days, I have drank 0 water. Only orange juice. I'm just freaking out because kidney disease is hereditary and although my kidneys aren't hurting...I'm genetically dispositioned to be a walking time bomb.

Most of my cold symptoms are gone. I just have this horrible ache at the front top of my stomach that makes it hard to walk. I walk like an old woman. Every time I bend over to pick something up, I get a headache and I feel nauseous.

Then....after the last umm, tryst with TN, I have a hemmroid. Yes, just one. I looked it up. When you're not mentally prepared or used to having anal sex, your body's natural reaction is to push whatever is in there out...your partner is supposed to be gentle...ummm, yea...about that? Anyway...this lil guy popped up a few days after the thing. I got the cream a few days later because a stupid friend told me she had one and it just goes away. The internet told me differently, so anyway...I've been applying it since Friday and it seems to be shrinking. Let me tell you something...until I got the cream, TEARS every time I'd have a bowel movement. Sitting was ridiculous sometimes. I fall asleep on my back and now its like, can't sleep on my back because of that, can't sleep on my side because of the achey tummy, what the fucking fuck?!

I need a doctor. I'm falling to pieces.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Sunday, September 12, 2010


I've been MIA for 5 days, so I guess that September blog challenge is kaput.

*Disclaimer: Any comments left on this blog...as long as they are sincere and not bogus like (You are a crazy whore)) or some ish, I will not get offended. Mmmkay?*

On Thursday of last week, I met up with Carter. We had IHOP and we talked some things out. As soon as he heard that me and The Nigerian are no more, he opened up about how he felt that if we slept together, I would try to make him my boyfriend. I told him that wouldn't be. He was new in town and he has to get himself straightened out and I have to get myself straightened out. He then mentioned that he was game for whatever. Suddenly, I was not. The same things that bug me about Carter still do. To go into a physical relationship would be unwise...but I didn't tell him that...*shrug*

Friday, I woke up, my throat hurt, my head was pounding, my body ached. Fuck...I got a cold. The weather changed so drastically and although I had on adequate clothing, I still got sick. It was Fashion's Night Out and I really wanted to go. Editor said she wanted to get ready at my house..I told her yes but on her way, could she bring me some oj, Progresso soup with rice and some crackers. It should come up to a little over $5. It would really help me out because I hadn't eaten all day. She shows up to my house with a small carton (the breakfast size) of orange juice, and 2 cans of soup, both different brands.

Who brings someone who is sick a tiny carton of OJ?! I was done with it in 5 seconds.

Also, I asked for the crackers because typically, when you're sick, you eat crackers so that any food you eat doesn't really bother your stomach. I heated up the soup any way...thinking I would be fine. 2 spoonfuls later, I was dizzy, nauseous and cold. I wasn't going anywhere.

I felt so pissed off .... firstly, I should've known better not to eat the soup but I was hungry. Secondly, I felt like she half-assed it. Being alone and sick in my apartment alone gave me a lot of time to think about things. Editor half-asses a lot of things she does. She's asked me for favors and I've never half-assed them before. Never.

The problem is not Editor and her lazy ass. Its me.
I decided to create a mantra for scenarios like that...I am not Capt Save-A-Hoe. It is not my responsibility to fix people's lives or come in cape blowing in the wind, guns blazing every single time.

Why? Because its rare that people do that for you. Later on, I called BFF and she hooked me up with some crackers, a CARTON of OJ, made a bed for me on the couch, the only place it was really warm, and made me drink some fluids and take some medicine. She also closed and locked my windows so the cold air won't sneak in.

Not saying I wanted Editor to do that...just some effin crackers.


A couple of days ago...The Nigerian called me. This was actually after my date with Carter. (men always seem to smell when you've possibly moved on) I didn't pick up. I text him.

Me: What do you want?
TN: Nothing
Me: Great! That's exactly what I want from you...nothing. Leave me alone. I wouln't treat anyone the way you have treated me.



TN: Happy Sunday
Me: Fuck off
TN: Fuck off

ummm....ok. He calls me later on today. Dude is delusional!

BFF crashed Punjabi's(her boyfriend whom she's aware has a live-in girlfrend of 11 years) birthday party. She saw them dance together. hold hands and all sorts of bf/gf stuff. His friend came to her and told her that Punjabi was never going to leave the live-in and she should walk away.

She is devastated. She was on the phone with me for an hr and a half going over every detail of what the friend said, what Punjabi did...finally, I was like...

Listen, when Brit was here, everyday for a month, she would wake up, cry and then go on and on for at least an hour with me about why her bf was such an asshole. One day, I told her what I'm about to tell you...

I'm done trying to decipher what people are thinking. I'm not a psychiatrist or a psychologist. Truth is...I don't know. The other truth is...the only theory you're going to come up with is something that makes you feel better. The only way we know what a person is thinking is by what they show us and he's shown you many times over...So, if you want to cry...cry...I'll be here for you. I'd rather you make a plan on how you're going to delete him from your life.

I meant every word.
Right after that, I told her about the texts from TN and she was like..."What is he thinking?"
I laughed.
I said, Girl, I don't know...but what I do know is...he's an asshole.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010


The stuff with The Nigerian has been a big distraction, diverting my attention from what's really going on with me, also kind of adding to the distress of what I already feel.

I feel like I've made a mess of my life. I have too much time on my hands and not enough time. It's not enough time because I'm not using it properly. At the same time, I just feel like everything I thought I wanted isn't really what I want anymore and I have to try and rebuild my life from the ground up. Sometimes, I'm not sure if my life has any meaning.

There's no one that I can really TALK to about this in my immediate circle. I feel like their reactions would be the same...mild reassurance that everything is okay - more reassuring of themselves that everything is fine with me because if things aren't fine with me, then...idk. I'm the rock of my friends. I've found myself leaning on them more and more and while scary, sometimes they surprise me.

I don't sleep at night. In the past 2 weeks, the earliest I went to sleep was at 2am. That was because BFF gave me a gin and tonic. I'm not being productive while I'm not sleeping. I'm reading or watching random tv shows or masturbating or just staring off, my mind blank for a significant amount of time. My apartment is a mess. My space always reflects what I'm going through.

I finally doze off at about 5 or 6am and then I sleep until 1pm. Wake up and try to do something productive...something to preserve this outward appearance that I'm okay. People buy it. Maybe I should've been an actress.

I want to talk to someone but really...what will be said? I'm not suicidal or anyting but I think sitting down and saying to someone, I think my life is worthless right now will ring some alarms. I feel catatonic...like the fish in a bowl watching everything move around me.

I don't know what to do to break the seal around my life...break the shell.
Something has got to give. I need to find a job. I need to make some money. I need to shake myself loose.

blog challenge day 7

Describe your perfect wedding.

Unlike a lot of women I know, I've never really thought about my wedding day. Being a makeup artist and having seen the inner workings of my fair share of weddings, let me tell you...that ish is no walk in the park.

So, my perfect wedding would be as low-key as possible. I would do a beach ceremony with maybe 5-10 guests each...only our closest friends. The ceremony would last no more than 30 minutes. I would want a prayer, the formal vows and our own written vows, a beautiful song and that's it. I said that if my dad couldn't walk me down the aisle, I don't really want to walk down an aisle. In my head, me and my bff/maid of honor and he and his best man would come from the sides and meet in the middle. We'd both be barefoot and in white. If I have hair, I want it to be big and curly and wild. Everything should be easy.

I want the reception to be kind of a big blow out but that's if we have the money for it. If not, a small reception and off we go to some tropical island for our honeymoon.

Why? Because the wedding is about us. The reception is about people genuinely happy to see each other together celebrating. I think even the reception would be no more than 100 people...tops!

Phoenix Rising Part 2

I know I'm blogging a lot...there's a lot going on and I need to document it. Maybe I shouldn't also do the blog challenge, but I've already committed to it..I don't know. We'll see.

Read Phoenix Rising first before this post.


I awoke some time Saturday afternoon with a fire in my belly. I read Gorgeous Puddin's comment over and over. I rolled what K told me over and over in my head. I wasn't convinced that I was done yet. I've dealt with some pretty stagnant relationships..both mine and my friends and I know enough to know that YOU have to be done with those situations before they are over.

And so, when Wynsters called to go to her friend's housewarming party, I welcomed the distraction. My mind has been elsewhere lately. Beyond TN, beyond everything going on with me. My house is a mess and my mind is just as scattered. As I was getting ready, the top to my fan fell off. I went to turn the fan another direction while not looking and my fingers got caught in the blades. 3 of my fingers were cut but the middle one has a deep gash in it that didn't stop bleeding for at least an hour.

The housewarming party pretty much sucked giving me and Wynsters time to talk. She is totally disgusted with TN and although she is as sweet as pie, she vows if she ever saw TN, she'd curse him to his face. Afterwards, we met up with Wynsters' boyfriend, The Grecian. I told TG what happened and he said some pretty poignant things:

-Why are you with someone who is not nice to you - not even on a friendship level? I wouldn't do that to my friends.
- Why are you messing around with crazy men?
- Why are you taking things so seriously? You are young. You still have time to explore and experiment and most men your age just want to have fun. He's saying he wants a relationship but his actions say that he wants to have fun with you, get up and have you go your separate ways and then call you 2 weeks later to do it again. It doesn't seem like you're up for that so just leave him alone. Just stop. Stop. Stop taking his calls. Stop.

He kind of shook me.

Phoenix Rising

And even after all that he did, I was not content to leave it alone. There's something in me that has to know that dead situations can not be resuscitated. Friday night, he called me at 8pm.

"Are you coming to my event?" The Nigerian asked.
"No," I answered directly.
"Why not?"
"I don't want to."
"Ok," he hung up as I was about to say something else. I fumed. I called BFF. She fumed.
I called him back.

"How dare you hang up on me?"
"I didn't hang up on you.I though we were done."
I let him have it, questioning his intentions...charging him with accusations of only wanting me for sex and patronizing his events. I let off until I was done. He defended himself. I hung up on him, my patience short.

15 minutes later, his friend B called me, stating that TN was MIA for 2 days because he was helping him film and surely, I know what film sets are like, yes?
Yes, but just like I let TN know what I was doing, all it took was a simple text to let me know. B urged me to come to the event. It would mean so much to TN.

I relented.
I BBM'ed Brit what was going on and she said..."You can't break up with him every time you guys hit a rough patch."
She was right.
I showered, put on ample smell-good, a tight dress and some sexy makeup.I sashayed in the place with all eyes on me and my eyes were on him. His jaw dropped. B smiled.

"Hey there sexy. You did good," he said.

Did I?
I entertained the conversation of several men and women while TN played social butterfly, hosting, fluttering by me every now and again.

The bartender asked me to go home with him. I blushed.
"No, I'm with TN."
"That guy?" he said with disgust, "I know that guy. He's not with anyone. Trust me."

I shrugged. I watched as he and B went outside, thinking nothing of it until I was ready to leave. They were nowhere to be found. I dug out my phone which was under a washcloth, fresh pair of undies and some toiletries that I had in my bag.

"Went to shoot with B."

I text him back, furious that he left me in the middle of Brooklyn (albeit a gentrified safe part of Brooklyn) with a text message from across the room.

"I'm handling biz"
"I understand that but a simple goodbye would've been sufficient. You're not even wondering how I will get home."

He didn't respond and my new girlfriends urged me to join them at the bar down the street. I accepted as they sat me down trying to ease my tension with free strong drinks. I was hungry, my eyes searching for my next meal. I was resolving in myself to become a man-eater. A few caught my attention and I caught the attention of many. Of course, those whom I caught, I wasn't the least bit interested in them.

And so my new friend, K says.."Girl, you are too beautiful - too dope as a person to settle for less than you're deserving." EB must have told her what TN did that night and that was enough for her. "Look around you. These men are all staring. You have a power that they're aware of on a subconscious level. You need to use it."

She was saying things I needed to hear and on some level, she was right. I decided to sleep on it.

(to be continued)

Monday, September 6, 2010

Blog Challenge Days 4 -6

Day 4. Fave pic of your best friend. She didn't ask to be on the blog so her pic will be taken down tomorrow.

Day 5. Pic of me from 2 years ago. I miss my hair! (even though everyone says they like me better without.)

Day 6. A pet that I'd like to own. I want a shih-tzu!

Saturday, September 4, 2010

Day 3 - Sept Blog Challenge

What is your idea of the perfect first date?

I think first dates should be easy, casual, cool and quick - no more than 2 hours. I would wear T-shirt, jeans, heels and would be picked up in your car and we would go to some place fun: an outdoor eatery, a gallery showing, something where there's people and there's something else going on so that if convo is lacking, we can say...oh look at this painting or that kite. The chemistry between us is great and we don't want to leave yet, so we get dessert. My fave place in NYC is Le Petit Belge. They closed down but they served belgian waffles with any topping you could think of on it. Afterwards, you take me home...walk me to my door and bam! Right on the kisser! Lol.

There you have it. If it happens to be cold outside the date would go differently but perfect dates happen in the summer.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Day 2 Sept Blog Challenge

Post a pic of what you ate today.

Well...I ate fresh at Subway. Grilled Chicken on Italian Herbs and Cheese bread with lettuce, cucumbers, red onions, mayo and chipotle sauce.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

before you walk out of my life + doing me

(the story of how we got back together)

TN called me last week and I actually picked up. Brit talked me into giving him another chance and so I relented. I suggested we speak in person because the phone stuff with him is always semi-distracted. On Monday, I go over there. I tell him my piece.

"Our problem is communication."
He says "You can't rush me to open up to you."
I say, "I won't rush you to open up if you don't rush me to do sexual things."

We agree.

I say, "I think that's the only thing you miss about me." (Sex)
He says, "No, I really do miss you as a person. I know you're a good woman but I just don't know how to keep you."

I say, "Its simple. Listen to me. Talk to me. Go out with me. I don't know if you can change."
He says, " I can say whatever. Judge by my actions."

And so, I decided to do that.

Fast forward to how I'm feeling today.
Yesterday, before I left, I asked TN if we could hang out. I'm sick of being at his house or around him and his friends and I really want that summer boyfriend feeling..y'know, walking around town; hand in hand, picnics and such. I mention us having a picnic. He's indifferent to that idea. I pry to see when exactly he'll be free. I know he has an event on Friday. Saturday, he says he's working. Then, he says.. "Call me. I'll make myself available."

So, later in the day, I called at 3:30pm, 9:30pm and at 1am. None of those calls were returned. Today, I realized he hadn't called me all day. I called him at 1pm and I left a message.

"You say you don't know how to keep me. Its real simple. Pick up the phone when I call. If you miss my call, return it. If you can't, a text will do. Call me back."

At 2:30, he calls back. The phone rings twice. He hangs up.
I call him right back. He doesn't pick up.

It's after 6, he hasn't called me back. I'm guessing he didn't mean to call me. At this point, I'm really sick of the roller coaster ride. I'm tired of games. I don't do drama. I'm going to do me. Whatever that means, I'm not sure but I can't concern myself with someone who is not concerned with me on some Basic Relationship Skills 101 type shit. Not when we just talked about it 3 days earlier.

Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.................Fuck it.
There's not one aspect of my life I'm happy with right now. Work, love, body, family...all of it is bugged out. I don't know what I'm going to do. Something has to happen and quick. As for this situation...no tears, no dramatic farewells...I'm not even going to be mean or bitchy to him. It is what it is and what it will be.

I have to work my way back to happy again.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Sept Blog Challenge Day 1

Day 1- Post a photo of yourself and a description of how your day was.

This post is going to be graphic.

I woke up in The Nigerian's bed not having slept most of the night (and not for a good reason). Lately, I have not been sleeping well at all. He hugged and kissed me as I whispered "Good Morning" in his ear. He got up, used the bathroom and I did the same, almost falling over the latest one of his friends sleeping on his couch. I washed my mouth out with his mouthwash and came back to bed and laid next to him. I tried to kiss him but he moved away, saying he hadn't brushed his teeth yet. Am I nasty for not caring? He hugged me close as I turned on my side, my back to him. He fondled my breasts, stomach and played with my underwear.

He got up, put on a condom and took out some lube. As he pulled down my underwear, he started feeling at a patch of eczema that's on my hip. He asked me what it was and I told him. He said...isn't eczema a communicable disease? I told him, it was not but he wasn't sure. He kissed me as he laid down and pulled me on top of him. As I rode him, he made noises and pulled at my nipples. He stopped and asked, "Are you about to cum?" I told him I was not. This all-too familiar topic comes up every time we have sex. My inability to cum with penetration is wearing on both of us. Him, his pride and me, my patience and frustration on this topic. He told me to turn on the lights and lay down on my back.

I obeyed. "Masturbate," he said. My interest piqued, I did as I was told. I opened my legs and closed my eyes as he watched. I tried to keep my mind on him but I was thinking about Carter, about a threesome with me and his friend, B on his couch, about this lesbian girl he wants to eat me out. "Cum for daddy," he purred, messing up my concentration. I felt rushed. I lied and told him I was done. I came but really, I didn't. He entered me and the feeling was positively electrifying. My body was already sensitive because I was able to warm myself up. He was in heaven. I laughed and told him that he needs to be careful. We both have things to do and he's going to put both of us to sleep.

He turned me over. "I want to fuck your ass." This, another topic of discussion that wears on us as well. I'm not a fan of anal sex, having tried it with one or two other partners but he likes it the most. I don't want that to be apart of our sexual routine, as I envision those girls in porno, their anus wide holes. I conceded, curious to if it would hurt less than it did last time and if, magically, I would begin to enjoy it.

He entered me and it hurt like hell. I stopped him. We had lackluster vaginal sex for about 5 more minutes as I felt his disappointment drip down on me like his sweat. "Ok, let's try it again," I said. Biting the bullet, I tried to relax as much as possible. It hurt and I fell down on the bed with him still inside of me. He was moaning telling me how much it feels good to him. "Talk dirty to me." I just wanted him to be done and so, I said whatever in which he eventually came.

He gets up and he's like...oh shit, the condom is still inside you. I'm pissed and I go to the bathroom and try to force it out because there's no way I can put my finger up there and get it. I'm silently freaking out inside and he's like, you look mad. I say, "If there was something inside you, wouldn't you be a little upset? I know it's not technically your fault but damn!" He says, "Don't worry, you'll shit it out." He gets on the phone with his job trying to get more hours and then he calls some girl asking her if she's coming to his event on Friday. I can tell they're friends and he probably haven't spoken in a while and I'm like..."Do you have to have this conversation right now?" I calm down, feeling like there was nothing I could do. We both fall asleep on separate ends of his Queen bed.

We awake to B knocking on the door. B needs to get something from TN's closet so, he puts the covers e awake toover me. After B leaves, I get dressed. I calm down. B puts on Rick Ross' BMF and they start talking in stupid guy talk. TN starts moving his hands like how rappers do and he's like yea..I'm a boss. He then says some other things that I would expect an American-born man to say and I tell him to turn off Rick Ross because clearly, he's corrupting him. TN laughs and tells B what I said. He's like, "Just cause I don't talk like that doesn't mean I don't know the words to say. I just choose to be gentle with you." I say, "Yes, I appreciate that. I don't ever want to hear you talk like that to me." He laughs, saying yes...certain things I leave for the whores I'm used to dealing with. (there was a segway into that comment but its too much to type). I ask, "When are we hanging out?" He doesn't answer and I look at my watch, impatient. He says to call him and he'll make time but Thursday - Saturday, I should know that he's working. I say, "Yea, you probably say things like that to all your whores." "You are not a whore." "Just making sure you know that." "You are a very funny woman, ogbanje." I call him Eze which is Igbo for King. Ogbanje is like an evil spirit. Read more about it here. I tell him to find another name for me. That's not nice. He says it will be another Igbo word but he won't tell me what it means. We laugh. I speak to him in French. B sticks his nose in and tries to speak French very poorly.

I leave. Go to the store and buy a juice and some cookies. Take a cab home and fair enough, the condom passes out which was very weird. I resolve in myself that something's got to give. I don't want that to happen ever again. I tell BFF what happened and she freaks out more than me. I shower, dress and help Editor pack up because she has to move out of her house (long story). BFF picks me up and takes me to get something to eat and then home. I field calls from grandma's social worker and from her potential home health aide. I get stressed out because she needs 24 hour care once she's discharged. Also, Verizon sucks ass and hasn't turned on her phone. Her house is a mess. I also need to go grocery shopping for her. Instead of being discharged on Friday, she won't be discharged until the 21st of September. She won't be happy. By the time I get home, I'm stressed and tired. I fall asleep and wake up at 6pm. I get up, blog, tweet, pay some bills.

That was my day.

I'll explain how me and TN got back together and some other stuff in between at a later time.

september blog challenge

Got this from Starrla Monae and I'm going to attempt to participate within my comfort zone (which means photos will be taken down 3-5 days after posting)

Day 1 – A photo of yourself and a description of how your day was
Day 2 – A photo of something you ate today.
Day 3 – Your idea of the perfect first date
Day 4 – Your favorite photograph of your best friend
Day 5 – A photo of yourself two years ago
Day 6 – A photo of an animal you’d love to keep as a pet
Day 7 – Your dream wedding.
Day 8 – A song to match your mood
Day 9 – A photo of the item you last purchased.
Day 10 – A photo of your favorite place to eat.
Day 11 – What’s in your makeup bag?
Day 12 – A photograph of the town you live in.
Day 13 – Your favorite musician and why?
Day 14 – A TV show you’re currently addicted to.
Day 15 – Something you don’t leave the house without.
Day 16 – Your celebrity crush.
Day 17 – A photo of you and your family.
Day 18 – Something you crave a lot.
Day 19 – Another picture of yourself.
Day 20 – The meaning behind your blog name.
Day 21 – A photo of something that makes you happy.
Day 22 – A letter to someone who has hurt you recently.
Day 23 – 15 facts about you.
Day 24 – A photo of something that means a lot to you.
Day 25 – What’s in your purse?
Day 26 – A photo of somewhere you’ve been to.
Day 27 – A picture of you last year and now and how have you changed since then?
Day 28 – Your favorite movie.
Day 29 – Something you could never get tired of doing.
Day 30 – A photograph of youself today + three good things that have happened in the past 30 days